Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 36

Camp out.

Made in 2007. Still applicable.
I'm getting reeeaaaalllly good at this whole outdoorsy Northwoods stuff, everybody: Last night I went on my very first camping trip as an adult!

(When I was a kid, I went camping alllll the time - it's pretty much all our family did during weekends in the summer. I have many hilarious and adorable stories of me camping as a kid, but I'll save them for later so you'll have something to look forward to when life gets sad and there are no tacos immediately available.)

So! Had this camping trip planned for about a week, and was super psyched. It was also to be a camping trip with my fly fishing companion, which I was also psyched about. What I was not psyched about was the fact that I'm a girl, and it was getting close to the time when it might be a little dangerous to camp... Because, besides the billion and one things that make being a woman of child-bearing ability annoying, there is also the fact that when your body suddenly realizes that, hey, guess we're not gonna grow a baby this month, bears can actually sense this and it makes them want to eat you.

(Yeah, we're talking about periods, guys. Every girl and woman you know between the ages of 12 and 50 probably has one, and it happens every month (twice a month if she's really unlucky) and as gross as you might think it is to hear about it, it's about 1,000 times more gross for us to actually experience it, SO SUCK IT UP COWARDS, AND LET ME TELL THE DAMN STORY)

So besides the fact that I didn't want to get Bear Eaten, can you really think of anything more miserable than being stuck in a tent in the middle of the woods while surfing the crimson tide? Yep, I can: being stuck in a tent in the middle of the woods with a ridiculously hot guy while surfing the crimson tide instead of doing what you're supposed to be doing, which is doing it.

We're camping, guys. You can really only read the Bible together until the sun goes down, and then you've got all those extra hours you gotta fill up, and since you're in nature, you might as well do what comes naturally, right?

That little tip should probably go in a camping guide somewhere.

Anyway! It ended up that my body decided to not hate me for once, so I was in the clear and safe from a Lady Blood Bear Attack. However, this was a moot point, since my camping companion and I were so taken up with the beauty of God's creation that we decided to give our relationship over to Him and save the body-rockin' for the sanctity of marriage. (Talk to you later, Mom! Thanks for reading.)

The only problem I really had was when I ended up demolishing about half of the forest's natural vegetation when I thrashed into the woods in the middle of the night to give back to the earth the water that it had given me. If you had been there, you probably would have thought it was a family of bears barreling through the woods, except for the part where you could hear me giggling at myself because I literally just kept crashing into more and more brush and small trees. The best part was that I had tried to sneak away all stealth-like so as to maintain my female grace and mystery...so yeah. Pretty sure those illusions were shattered fairly quickly.

Oh! And we also got a nocturnal visit from a raccoon. Turns out he loves Snickers as much as I do (apparently my companion decided to eat a Snickers bar before I got there instead of saving it to share with me. This observation was not mentioned to him at the time, but it has been duly noted and will be brought up later when he least expects it), so we bonded, and are now friends. Disney will probably even make a movie about us: "Amber and Snickers the Raccoon: A Tale of Forest Friendship."

It'll probably be a family film.

So fly.

Living in the Northwoods, there's a few outdoorsy things that I feel like you're kind of required to at least try while you're up here. They include:

* Cross-county skiing

* Kayaking/canoeing

* Fly fishing

I've lived up here off and on for the past ten years and I've really only done one of those things (you should know me well enough by know to just automatically know it wasn't cross-country skiing). So last week I was pretty damn excited to learn how to fly fish for the first time.

Here was my vision of fly fishing - wading out into the open water, repeatedly casting my line ala Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It, the sun shining on my shoulders as I recited poetry in my head...maybe a bear would amble out of the shore line and just nod his head at me, like, "Yes, Amber...yes. You are one with nature. You are us."

I even had this whole imagery of what my outfit should look like. In my head, it looked something like this:


Or even like this: 
Y'know...sporty, northwoodsy, but also mainly cute. 
Yeah. I did not get to look like any of that. (I did, however, have the luck of coordinating the color of my shirt with my (borrowed) waders. I know you guys might think this is stupid, but if I have to be out of my comfort zone, I want to at least look good while I'm failing miserably at something)
Also, apparently fly fishing requires hiking through dense wooded brush while carefully maneuvering a really long pole (I asked my companion, "Is this what guys feel like?" He replied, "It's what I feel like." And then I laughed and then a branch hit my face). It also requires climbing through rocky river beds, which is really hard to do when A. the rocks are slippery B. said rocks are also underwater, so they're hard to see B. you're wearing boots that are a little bit too big for you. So I wasn't going to impress anyone with my grace that day, but at least I didn't fall and give myself a concussion and almost drown like that last time I was in a river. 
Learning the casting was a bit tricky, but I'm proud to say that I didn't tear anyone's eye out with my hook/fly. After a while I got the hang of it, and that's when I started to understand why fly fishing is so addictive...the rhythm of it is really soothing, almost meditative. Standing in the middle of the river, the sun on my shoulders, casting out my line...no bears appeared on the river bank to tell me that I was one with them now, but it was still pretty okay. 
We packed up and headed to another spot, and this is when it turned into probably one of the most amazing afternoons I've ever had. The river was rocky, which made for some tricky footing, but I got to practice casting out and then reeling in when I felt a bite (I had lots of bites but no catches, which I was totally okay with...it was enough just to practice). Standing in the middle of this rushing river with the bright green forest on both sides of the bank during one of the most glorious sunny summer days one could ask for...it was pretty damn fantastic. Later we took a break and climbed onto a huge rock in the middle of the river, opened up a couple of Canoe Paddlers, and I pretty much could have stayed there for the rest of my life. 
So yeah...definitely down for going again (and again. And probably again after that). I'm probably going to invest in a pair of my own waders, though.  Some really cute ones, obviously. 
I'll probably forego the bikini top, though. That just kind of feels like tempting fate. 

Cloudy summer morning. Up early to write.

Today I'm learning how to fly fish.

Pretty sure this is the exact outfit I'm going to wear for it.

From Pinterest
And then I'm just going to stand there, just like that, the whole time.

Dapper Dozen Paaaartaaaaay

A handful of weeks ago, we had a little party at my place for the men of the Dapper Dozen calendar. Because we were shooting a group shot that was taking place on Main Street after sunset (shit yeah it was cool), we thought...why not have a party then, too? That way we can all hang out and get to know each other and chillax while everyone's getting their hair and makeup done (guys have to do it too, kids). So we did. And it was awesome.
Jennifer, our stylist, making Calendar Man Ryan beautiful
Calendar Men Chuck, James, Tim, and Craig in the kitchen, drinking beers and talking about stuff that men talk about.
Calendar Men Derek and Adam, meditating in the closet.
Calendar Man Jared and photographer Erik, chatting it up in the living roomWe should have some outtakes of the group shots shortly, and I'll post them up here when they're ready.

This Must Be The Place.

Well, kids, it's been an exciting past couple of weeks for your old pal Amber! As you can probably tell, I've been busy.

Busy not blogging.

Busy not blogging even The Bachelorette.

I know. I get it. I'm sorry. It's just like...life, man. Life. It gets crazy sometimes.

And also I get really lazy.

So there's that, too.

But to catch you up to speed on June:

My laptop completely died. As in, I turned it on one late Tuesday night to see a black screen and the words "Missing Operating System." The only correct response to something like that is to utter an "Oh fuuuuuck" and then mix yourself a drink. Which I did, mainly because Gin & Tonics are delicious and I had already planned on having one.

With the Great Laptop Crash of June 2013, I also lost my entire iTunes Library. The one I had been building since, oh, you know, 2003. Sensing that the end was neigh, I had begun saving all my music to the cloud via Dropbox...only to discover a few days after the crash that Dropbox had only saved the music folders, NOT the actual files. I wanted to cry - do you guys realized how many beautiful and amazing easy listening classics I lost?! My whole Michael McDonald collection, everybody. MY WHOLE MICHAEL MCDONALD COLLECTION! - but I didn't. Also, luckily I had the foresight a couple years ago to start buying most of my new music on Amazon, which automatically saved it to my Amazon Cloud Player. So that was nice.

Oh, and then my phone also died in the Electronic Holocaust. Which actually wasn't that big of a deal, since it's been giving me grief for the past two months and I was already at the point where I hardly needed it. And, to be honest, I was kind of starting to really like not having a phone...when I didn't have it, I realized just how much time I spent doing those reflexive cell checks to see if I'd gotten new email (and like, it's never GOOD email that you're suddenly getting, right? It's never some email out of the blue from that hot guy you like...it's always the "I need you to do this for me NOW" stressball crap) or texts. It was kind of revelatory to go out to a place and not have a phone to check during a lull in conversation. I guess what I'm saying is...having a phone made me a much more engaged person than all you electronically-hooked fools and I'm so much better than you for it now and I'll just keep reminding you of that every time I see you check your phone.

And while it was pretty much the worst week ever to not have a working laptop - client deadlines were looming, crucial moments for projects were happening, etc - I decided that instead of getting upset over the mandatory unplugging, I would just make the best of it. So I did a lot of yoga, read a lot of books, finished up my newly-renewed obsession with Mad Men, caught up on my sleep, etc. And then every couple of days I would trek out to my parent's house on the lake to use their computer and catch up on work, which ended up being a pretty rad plan...got some quality time in with my parents, got to be out on the lake for a couple of gorgeous days, got up to speed on my Real Housewives watching...it was fantastic.

My new laptop arrived last week, and it was a shiny new MacBook Air. Gingerly opening the box, you could hear angels singing, a couple of bluebirds landed on my shoulder, the sun started streaming...it was beautiful. I have waited SO LONG for a Mac, you guys...and it's so pretty that I actually was kind of scared to touch it for a couple of days. Like it had to be a moment - I had to wash my hands before using it, I had to have a couple of free hours to really dig into all the new programs and files, etc. You know that thing of how our brains are discounting mechanisms? Where the more familiar we are with something, the more we start to discount it or value it less? That will not happen for my MacBook Air. This MacBook Air is like that hot chick you waited all through high school to ask out, and then she finally says yes, and you know full well just how much of a lucky bastard you are to be going out with her, so you call her when you say you're going to call her and you put up with her dumb friends when she wants the two of you to go out dancing with them and you do a whole bunch of other shit that with someone else you would probably just blow off but you do it because you know that's just what you do when you care about keeping something.

Yeah. So my new laptop is like that.

So that's the status with that. Now that I'm back in action, I have a few more posts to update you all on other areas of my life that are not electronic.

It's going to be amazing.

Maybe not amazing...but it's going to be fun. For me, at least. For you guys...get your own blogs and then we can talk about whether or not I'm responsible for your level of entertainment.

The Bachelorette Recap, Episode 3: Where Everything In This Episode Is Like a Movie, Except Not Funny or Entertaining.

My tweet showed up on last week's episode. Congratulations, everyone, I'm famous now!Welcome to Episode 3 of The Bachelorette: Des Was Poor, Bachelorette Babies! Let's just get right to it, shall we?

"It's Like War," Only It's Dodgeball, So Actually Not Like War At All
Our fairy tale opens up on the Rosebuds hanging out at the house. Group date card time! Everybody hates Ben. He knows this. He doesn't care. "Love is a battlefield," everybody.
The Rosebuds pull up to a garage. Des is wearing gym gear. The guys think she looks "gorgeous, as usual." This is nice, since it means that they have super low standards and it gives me hope that I can spend the rest of my romantic life in yoga clothes and still get laid, as per my dream. Des opens the garage door to reveal a dodgeball team. Some captain reads a bunch of stuff off a cue card about this being "the real deal", and guys start throwing balls at the wall and talk about how this is like being on the A-Team, which is hilarious, because there's no way Mr. T would ever let a fool even try and throw a ball at his face.
During this WHOLE TIME, the Rosebuds kept saying stuff like, "balls are flying" and "this one guy's ball came right at my face", "you don't even notice the whiz of the balls flying right by your face" AND THIS IS WHEN I KNEW THE REAL REASON WHY THE PRODUCERS PICKED THIS DATE.
Chris shows up and throws out a twist that everyone saw coming - the guys are gonna Dodgeball Battle EACH OTHER for the chance at MORE TIME with DES! Whaaaaat?! They never do that on this show! Michael G seems to have a natural talent for over-explaining the most obvious things - first he tells us that he now gets what Des meant by "love is a battlefield", because this date is about Dodgeball. Then he tells us that "Winner takes all" means that whichever of the two teams wins gets to have more time with Des. Gosh, Michael G! I was so confused before, but now, because of you, I feel like I have all the answers! Please explain to me what "All the days that end in Y" means, too.
So Chris tells them that they're going to play the game in a very public arena. The guys get suited up and arrive at some location in L.A, sporting headbands and tube socks. Des acts like it's way more hilarious than it actually is. Michael G tells us that this isn't "his grandfather's dodgeball." Really, Michael G? Your grandfather played dodgeball? I'm tired of you talking. Shut up.
Des tells us that SHE remembers playing dodgeball as a child, too. "Throwing the balls at all the guys." *giggle* "I really go at it." You, too, Des. It's time for you to shut up, too. 

Blue team wins a game, then red team wins a game. It's down to the third and final game on who wins. And here comes Michael G again with his stunningly brilliant commentary: "This is all the marbles. And what we think of as marbles are all the minutes with Des at the end of the night."
Brooks breaks a finger. Michael G says more stupid stuff about how serious this dumb game is. Blue team wins, thanks to Zak K. Des makes it all not worth it by announcing that she's taking everybody to the afterparty. Glad you guys all worked so hard to win for the prize that everyone gets anyway! Look like none of it was worth it. Please also take a moment to wonder if this is also going to be the overall moral arc of this show.
So, Brooks broke a finger. A FINGER. And yet he's rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, and he's talking like he's having an out of body experience - "my body just felt really light...and there were all these doctors...and stuff was all hooked up to me. It was one of the most painful things I've had happen to me in my life."
You broke a finger. Right? One of the smallest bones in your body. A finger.
Group date by a pool! Some guy tells Des about his kid - Medic? Madoc? - and how he hit his drunk ex-girlfriend one night because she tried to leave him. Another guy tried to push Des off the roof of a skyscraper. Brooks arrives, holding his finger up like a gun and threatening to kill whoever did this to him. Des doesn't give a shit that Brooks broke his finger and he almost died, and she gives the date rose to Chris.
What? It's ANOTHER private concert? By a sucky band no one has ever heard of? This episode is just so full of surprises! Des and Chris slow dance to the band and start making out. Brandon creeps on them and watches them kiss, like a total creepstar. Then he gets upset about it, and that's when I knew that he was probably going to end up crying soon.
The Girlfriend That Anyone Would Want To Go On A Reality TV Show To Get Away From

Des is hanging out at her Malibu Beach House, fake-writing in her journal about her date that day with Kasey, when Chris calls her cell. Something weird is happening at the Rosebud Mansion! Des needs to get over there right now! She jumps in her Bentley (which by now I know is a product placement, because c'mon) and heads over to the Rosebud Mansion, telling us that she's usually really good about "knowing about...people" which, when people say that, it usually means that they're not good at it at all.
Des walks into the Rosebud Mansion and pulls Brian out to talk to him, grilling him about his sincerity and where he's at with all of this. Chris comes walking in with a girl. Des and Brian talk about his ex-girlfriend and how, even though they weren't "compatible", they're still good friends and it's not awkward at all. "Great, because she's actually here," Des say, in a stunning case of perfect timing orchestrated by a crackerjack team of producers. "Hi, I'm Stephanie" the chick says. "I'm Brian's girlfriend." "OH GEEZ!" Brian blurts out, looking sheepishly at Chris and then at the camera.
So, it turns out that Brian told this girl that he wouldn't see anyone else, and that she tried to break up with him a day before he left for the show, and he told her that he just needed time to get things sorted out. She brought up Donovan, her son, who apparently this guy has been a role model to. More accusations fly. Stephanie doesn't want to let anyone else talk, and bulldozes Chris about a hundred times when he tries to interrupt her to bring this scene back on track. She calls Brian a pig and asks him how he could do this to her. He was like, "Easy. You throw rocks at my face and you won't let Chris Harrison talk." Stephanie drops the bomb that she and Brian slept together two nights before coming to the house, which Brian admits to, and so Des basically kicks him out. 
Bye bye Brian!Sidenote: "Stephanie" is also Stephanie Larimore, a Playboy Playmate. Which doesn't really change the fact that she's loud, annoying, and kind of mentally unstable (you threw rocks at your boyfriend's face?! WTF), but still. Nice work so far, Brian - a Playboy Playmate and The Bachelorette? Yeah, you'll be fine. Brush yourself off and go find yourself one of those Beverly Hills Nannies or something.
Oh my god. Then Brandon starts crying about the fact that Brian left a single mother, because that happened to him a lot when he was young - he would bond with his mom's boyfriends and then he would wake up one day and they would be gone. He's still such a hurt, lost little boy in his heart that it's kind of painful to watch.
Kasey and Des finally go on their date, and I get bored and check out hot guys on OkCupid. They do repell dancing or something, and Kasey says "oh geez" a lot, and then they have drinks somewhere where it's windy. So they decide to jump into the pool and it was freezing. Then they kiss. It was boring, I think he got a rose.
The Lone Ranger Rides For Justice! Except For Today, When He's Riding For The Worst Network Promo Imaginable.   Ohhh, Juan PaaaablooooGroup date time! Western theme at "Rose & Thorn Ranch." Some idiot mentions that Des is in a dress from the "1900's or something" and this is when I decide to pay attention, because stupid people are hilarious. But then there's some super cheesy play-acting where Des fights off a guy on a balcony and the Rosebuds are like, "Whoa whoa whoa!" LIKE IT'S REAL, and then Des kicks the guy off the balcony, and this is where I decide that maybe I want to wait to watch the rest of this when I can logically have an alcoholic drink in my hand. So then Des joins the guys and says, "I'm excited for the guys to see my skills" and tells them "so that's how it's done," LIKE IT WAS REAL and I suddenly realize that Des often likes to take credit for stuff she really had no part in.
So the date is centered around learning stunts from the same team that did the stunts for The Lone Ranger. It's so weird how these timely promotional things keep finding themselves on this show! The competition for more time centers around the guys acting out a fight scene. It's mildly entertaining.
Ooooh...but then it's Juan Pablo's turn, and he speaks Spanish and act-fights! Mmmm, Juan Pablooooo. He wins! And so do all of we, because this means more of...Juan Pablo!
Des and Juan Pablo go to a little barn, where, surprise! They get to watch The Lone Ranger, which just so happens to be out in theaters RIGHT NOW! What a coincidence.
And then...they kiss. And then...I watch it again so I can imagine that I am the one kissing Juan Pablo. And then...I watch it again, to once again imagine kissing Juan Pablo.
And then they kiss again, and it's like the universe just knows my wishes and dreams and gives them to me.
Group date party night time! Des and Bryden go off together, and Des mentions that Bryden doesn't really make the moves, but when she goes in, then he goes for it. Get used to it, Des, because this is what it's like for the rest of your life with guys like that - you'll always have to make the first move. You'll always have to initiate sex, pick out your own ring, plan the trip, RSVP to the party, put in the offer for a new home. As long as you're cool with doing all the work that shouldn't come naturally, then you should pick Bryden.
She has more time with more guys, and I stop paying attention because I don't care anymore. 
The Cocktail Party That Turned Into a Hot Tub of Emotion

Chris calls the guys into the living room and announces that the cocktail party has been canceled, and instead, Des is inviting them to a casual, relaxed pool party.
Des arrives at the Rosebud Mansion in - whaddya know, her Bentley! - and Ben waylays her by asking her if she wants to go for a quick drive. Meanwhile, the guys are waiting at the pool for Des to arrive. Finally Des shows up, and the guys somehow find out that she went on a drive with Ben before the party, and they are pissed. HOW DARE BEN TRY TO MANIPULATE THIS SITUATION FOR TIME ALONE WITH HER! What kind of show does he think he's ON?! A dating show where the person who makes the best impression essentially WINS? But that's not the thing that pisses the guys off: It's that Ben lies to them about his drive with Des. So beefhead Mikey W confronts Ben, because it's his business. Michael G gets involved, too, because it's also his business.
And then Brandon gets some quiet time with Des, and tells her about how the whole thing with Brian and Stephanie really upset him. Oh, Brandon. C'mon, Brandon! Get it together. Quit crying all the time! Quit getting so serious before it makes sense to. You're getting clingy. And weird. And too, too intense.
Rose Ceremony! Brandon tells us that he told Des he was falling in love with her, and he couldn't feel better right now. Which means he's probably going home. Michael G and Mikey don't want Ben to get a rose, which of course means that Ben will.
It gets down to the final rose, and it's between Ben, Brandon, and some other dude with a weird face. The look on Brandon's face when he starts to realize that he might not get the rose...oh my god. I couldn't even take it. Ben gets the rose. The guy with the weird face - Dan, I guess his name is - handles it fine, but Brandon is like, "I think you just made a huge mistake" to Des, and he starts to walk out, and then she goes and gets him and pulls him away to talk some more. "The chemistry just wasn't there," she tells him. And he is way more upset about getting dumped three episodes in than any normal person should be. But he's in love with Des, you guys. He's known her for three days, and he's in love with her. 
Let's maybe talk about some therapy, Brandon.  Brandon Dan Next week! The guys go to Atlantic City and have a Mr. America contest. All I noticed were speedos. So that should be fun. 
-------------------------------
What did you think about this week's episode? Do you think Des made the right choice by sending Brian, Brandon, and Dan home? 

The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You, Part Four

Photo source
Here's what I know: Nothing is ever "meant to be" in the way that here is finally the thing that's going to make you happy forever. When something seems "destined", it's not because God or the universe or whatever has suddenly decided,"Hey, let me drop this reward into your lap so everything can be perfect now." If things seem to align in a way that blows your mind...get ready, because what it really means is that the universe has decided there's a lesson you're finally ready to master. Which isn't a bad thing or a scary thing or even a drag thing...it's the right thing. That lesson is often the exact obstacle you need to learn to leap over so you can go hurtling toward more of the good stuff.
I've had a lot of the above happen in the last three years. Great big huge incidences of "Disaster struck, and I didn't know what I was going to do, and then that very same day, the most amazing thing happened." Last fall, this client was one of those happenings. And I will never not be grateful for that, because it taught me, above all, that the universe has my back. Especially when I make decisions that support my self-worth...that whole "one door closes, another door opens" thing? I've learned that when I slam the door in the face of "Hey, this doesn't feel great and I know I should want better for my life", it immediately triggers the opening of another, bigger door (usually a gold-plated one that opens on clouds parting and angels singing and the cool Will-Ferrell-version of Jesus floating down on a pink puffy cloud, saying something like, "Right on, Amber. I like the choices you're making. Here's a Snickers ice cream bar.").
So I no longer worry about whether or not I'm going to be okay: Because no matter what, I'm always going to be okay. But the lessons that this experience ushered into my life are the real reason why this has turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Here's The Big One (and it's kind of meta in that thing where the student is the master so it feels weird trying to explain it but stay with me here): The only way for me to turn something shitty into the best thing that ever happened to me is by making the best thing that's ever happened to me. There's an instinct there...somehow my mind knows that the only way to get over misery is if I channel all that energy into creating something new. And all the time, that "something" has to do with writing. Usually it's a book - for instance, finishing Holiday Chick was the direct result of a super-shitty break-up - but sometimes, it's even bigger than that. Like last fall: I felt so awful about my break-up with Chris that I somehow knew the only thing that would make me feel better was if I literally made something positive out of all that pain. So I started writing a series about how to get through a break-up. From that, I found that I love writing stuff that reaches out and teaches people what I know...and that I really really love writing stuff that teaches people what I know about making light out of dark.
Which brought me to the next point: I realized that I am so unhappy when I'm not writing that I'm finally ready to do whatever it takes to organize my entire life around just that. And one day, while working it with some new stuff I learned, I realized that if I write and publish a book every two years, I will just barely write and publish all the books I want to write by the time my life expectancy gives out. In essence? There is no time to fuck around here, kids.
So I started giving more thought to the whole "waiting tables looks like a cush job" thing. Which was actually a pretty radical departure for me. I've always felt that, if I was going to work for someone else, then that work had to be cool and ambitious and have a higher meaning for me than just making coffee for hipsters. So I've spend a lot of time and energy helping other people build their brands, and you know what I realized? I don't wanna do it anymore. I want to build my own thing. I want my time to be my time and for that time to not be your time.
So after I fired this client, I took a job waiting tables at a local brewpub three or four nights a week. I still had other client projects in my pocket, so I'll admit that I had the luxury of not really needing to take the serving job. Yet I wanted to see if my hunch was correct in that I would be infinitely more happy doing the thing where I go somewhere to make some cash money and then I come home and I never have to think about it on the in between. When I'm there, I'm there...and when I'm not, I can focus on my own thing without any interference from anyone else.
And you know what? My hunch was correct, and it feels fucking great. I'm working on wrapping up the rest of my client projects this summer and then I'll be phasing those out by replacing them with some projects of my own. It kind of feels like cleaning out a new apartment on moving day - with each room, I'm scrubbing out the stuff that didn't come from me, and replacing it with the shiny, glossy things that do.
But like everything else, it's a process. I'm still kind of in the middle of resorting, and some of it is like Welcome To My Rad New Walk-In Closet Motherfuckers and other stuff is like Why The FUCK Did They Build This Corner Cupboard Like This. Because that's just how life works, right? And I'll be telling you more about some of that stuff later, but for now, I want to end with this:
I know that sometimes it's easy to feel like some of this is just a Jedi Mind Trick of Optimism, or that it's all a bunch of mumbo jumbo (gumbo. dumbo! This game is fun.) designed to help us ignore the cold hard reality of life. Sometimes shitty stuff happens because we do shitty things or because we make shitty mistakes. Yet that's actually when I think this sleight of the mental hand is even more important. Do I feel like I made mistakes when it came to this client? Yep. Could I have done some things differently? You bet. But that's when it comes down to even more of a choice - I can either punish myself by wrapping myself up in regret and recrimination, or I can determine that this is going to propel me forward to both being and living something bigger and better.
And so can you. At every single motherfuckin' turn.
-----------------------------------------------------------Got an example (or maybe even a full-blown tale) where something shitty turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you? I wanna hear about it! Feel free to share it up in the comments, or, if you'd prefer, you can email me and I'll share your experience on the blog for you (undercover, of course, if you wish). 

'The Bachelorette' Recap, Episode 2: Here's Some Awful Stories About Me, Now Let's Make Out!.

Photo: macleans.caGood morning Bachelor Babies, and welcome to the recap for the second episode of The Bachelorette: Des Was Poor. Once again we return to an alternate universe where Des is a princess, every date is like a fairy tale, all the guys are knights in shining armor, and hopefully somebody dies a horrific death soon, because that's the awesome part that people always forget about fairy tales.

More truth telling after the jump!

Our episode opens with Chris calling all the Rosebuds into the living room, and then ominously announcing that only one would be going on a date tonight. "Which one of you will volunteer as tribute to honor your district?" He asks. Knowing that a a few hours alone with Des would be worse than certain death, no one steps forward. "All right then, here are the rules: There will be three dates each week. Two one-on-ones and one group date. At the end of every date, Des may choose to give an unlucky guy a rose, forcing him to stay on this excruciating journey even longer. But on the one-on-one, if she doesn't give you a rose...well. Then you are free, and will be going home immediately."

All the Rosebuds sit forward, nodding. Free. Free from this, finally...they could be sent home again. Back to their lives, their families, their dreams...the ones that are all their own, the ones that belong only to them... They could be happy again, they could be free, they could- "But if Des does give you a rose on a one-on-one, then you will continue on for another week."

Oh what cruelty! That this horrible woman holds their fate in the palm of her terrible hands...that their destinies are subject to her silly whims. The Rosebuds sigh and shake their heads at how torturous mere life can be. Chris holds up a card. They each eye it warily. "The name of the man going on the first one-on-one is on this card." He studies each of their faces, wanting them to understand the weight of what lies before them. "I will leave it here." Quietly, he lets the card drop onto the table. No one moves. Each Rosebud regards it with a certain dread...inside that card is the name of the man who must spend the evening with Des. Inside that card is the name of the man who must bear untold suffering and unimaginable pain for the rest of this godforsaken day.

Finally one of the Rosebuds walks up to the card, opens it, and reads, "Brooks."

The Date of Terrors

We see Des sitting at the drafting table in her Malibu Dream House, sketching yet another awful wedding dress and talking about how all this feels like a feels like a fairy tale. I drink deep from my cup at this, because that's a new game I made up - every time Des says that she feels like a "princess"  or that this feels like a "fairy Tale", I drink. (I also drink during every other second during the show, but particularly whenever she says either of those phrases). She then gets ready for her "date" that night, driving over to the Rosebud Hostage House to pick up Brooks. They hop in her car and she tells us that she really wants him to see her "passion and desire for designing wedding dresses", so they go to a bridal salon. It's a bold move. A bad, bad, bold move.

They try on wedding garb - Brooks tries on a green suit, which is apparently something you do when you have a sense of humor (did you guys know that? That you can just put on a colored suit and suddenly you're the funniest person in the world?), Des wears a wedding dress, and yet we're all still mystified as to what this has to do with designing an actual dress. They go to a food truck in their wedding duds and get mobbed by people paid by ABC to act like they like Des. Then they drive to the Hollywood sign. Des tells Brooks a bunch of stuff about this being some kind of anniversary for the sign and that usually no one has access to it, which is not true, otherwise how would the 90210 kids be able to replace "Hollywood" with "90210" after they graduated?! Brooks says, "You're the best" like she's the one who arranged it all, instead of a well-paid team of producers. Des tells us once again that she feels like a princess. The sun goes down, and Des and Brooks kiss, and this is the kind of the point where I know that the show's over, you guys can all go home now, because this is that part where all the other guys cease to stack up to Brooks in Des' eyes. They have genuine chemistry, and while he's kind of a dope, Brooks does seem like a super sweet, fun guy, which is exactly what Des is looking for.

Driving back from the Hollywood sign, Des acts like she's lost, and does another poor job of acting when they pull up to a roadblock and she's like, "Oh, let's just move these" and Brooks is like, "Uh, please don't" and we're all like, "OMG WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? Is this just a set up for a date surprise? That would be CRAZY!"
And it's dinner on a bridge in the middle of a slum! So romantic. I like that they recycled one of the most familiar dates from the last season of The Bachelor Pad. 
Look familiar? Lindsay and Kalon on their Bachelor Pad date last year. Photo: tvrecaps.ew.comBrooks opens up about his dad, I check out Twitter for a while, and then Des starts hearing music. I'm pretty excited, because I'm hoping this is a sign that she's crazy and that this is the part where she draws out a machete from under the table and the show finally gets good, but no. There really is music playing. It's so weird when bands that no one likes just pop up on these dates... You would almost think that the same company that owns ABC owns a record label or something. Anyway, Des and Brooks have to dance by themselves to an awful song, my face flushes in embarrassment for them, and I drink some more. 
All The Right Reasons, All The Right Reasons, This Date Will Make You Vom For All Four Seasons Photo: starpulse.comGroup date time! The kids all pull up to a winery, where Des is standing in the courtyard wearing a hootchie dress and super ugly heels. It must be for the making of a rap video! Soulja Boy, in a quest to revive his career in the worst way possible, is making a rap video with the Bachelorette and the Rosebuds called "All The Right Reasons." Basically it involves a few of the Rosebuds parodying past Bachelor peeps like Jason Meznik and Kasey That One Guy Who Got A Tattoo For Ali, which is kind of hilarious and awesome, except that Des is also in it. 
Brandon tells us that when they got the group date card asking "Are you here for the right reasons?", he knew she wasn't messing around. He's kind of a dummie, right? Like he's cute, but...maybe not the brightest bulb in the bunch. Des tells them that she needs a man who can have fun and laugh at himself. And the boys have to dance, and then some of them have to wear costumes and perform a rap lyric or two, which is awkward and embarrassing for all of us. 
Then the video is over, and the evening part of the date begins. Shirtless Wonder Zak W. pulls Des into a quiet corner and gives her a present. It's an antique journal, blank except for a beautiful inscription from a father to a daughter about letting her emotions flow from the pen. Des keeps cooing that this is "so amazing" and interrupting Zak with it when he tries to get deeper, and I start to realize that she doesn't actually realize what an amazing and thoughtful gift it is. Especially from Shirtless Wonder! Totally called it on being the Lindsay of this season who turns around his First Night antics and becomes a favorite. 
Brandon's not going to stress about the group date rose, because Brandon thinks that love is like a butterfly - hold it too tightly, and it's gonna get squished and die. The other guys obviously do not think that love is like a beautiful butterfly, because they use every moment with Des to tell her about their troubled childhoods and diseases and their chances of developing early-onset of glaucoma. Ben and Des even kiss, which is gross because it's so loud, and Brandon sees them kiss and he gets really upset because he's literally known this girl for one day and he's already developed strong enough feelings about her to get bummed about another guy kissing her. 
So Brandon decides that love doesn't have to be like a butterfly, so he goes to find Des and tells her all about his drug addict mom and his deadbeat dad. Des listens politely but also looks supremely disinterested, and for once I don't blame her - bottle up that crazy, Brandon. Get it together. Nothing kills the beautiful butterfly of love more than smothering it with all your baggage before it's even gotten a chance to grow some wings. 
See what I did there? I'm super good with analogies, you guys. 
Meanwhile, Mikey T. confronts Ben on not being genuine. Apparently Ben interrupted Mikey T's time with Des, and Ben does the equivalent of the female "I'm not here to make friends" Bitch Slogan by being all "I'm here for Des." He could give a shit what the other guys think about him, even though he tries to convince them that he does. I don't dislike Ben at this moment - he seems like that guy who heads up charities and helps little old ladies cross the street when everyone's watching and is the most popular member of the country club, but meanwhile he's leading a secret double life full of hookers and blow. Which would actually make him more interesting, and frankly I'm grateful for any dramatic diversions on what is fast becoming the most boring season ever.
In the end, Ben gets the group date rose, all the guys start chanting "All the right reasons, all the right reasons" and I have talk myself down from vomming my wine all over the place. 
Because Who Doesn't Bring Along Photos Of Their Past Bloody Disfigurement To Their First Dates?
Bryden has the next one-on-one date with Des, and Des decides that they should go on a road trip. I am now so bored with this show that I'm basically just drinking and tweeting back and forth with my Bachelor Twitter List. I do know that Bryden didn't know what brie was (what a dum-dum!), that they went to the beach and flew kites and other boring stuff like that, and that they go to dinner and Bryden starts telling her about an accident he had back in high school.
Why is this appropriate first date conversation? It is NOT, gentlemen. Not even on the Bachelor. I know that the guys are trying to create bonds with Des by telling her these things, but it makes it awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing. 
But no...then Bryden takes it to a WHOLE 'NOTHA LEVEL and actually pulls out PHOTOS of this accident to show Des. How romantic! Nothing like looking at photos of your date lying bloodied and disfigured in a hospital bed to get things heated up! 
They get in the pool, Des says some stuff to us about liking Bryden, they sit in the pool and make small talk, and finally she says, "Just kiss me already." "Just kiss you already?" He replies, surprised. NO, BRYDEN, TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE BECAUSE WE'RE OBVIOUSLY IN THE POOL IN OUR SWIMSUITS TO TALK ABOUT OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. 
Can we start giving out IQ tests during Bachelor/ette auditions from now on? Obviously we don't need them for Bachelor Pad, but for this show, can we just please start doing that, producers? 
The Cocktail Party of Careless Confessions
Cocktail time! Instead of using their time alone with Des to learn more about her, it seems that all the men have decided to monopolize her time with the unloading of baggage and useless confessions about their past. One guy told her he had diabetes, another guy told her that he was held back a grade, then another guy told her he was afraid of public speaking, and then another one told her that being gluten-intolerant made him the man he is today. 
But apparently, it's poor form to interrupt The Most Boring Faux-Deep Convo Ever, as Ben sadly learned that evening. Even though he already had a rose, Playa played it like every other champ in history and still decided to interrupt some other chump's time with Des for some connecting time of his own. Only this time it was Mike G getting the shaft, and he did not appreciate it, Ben! He was in the middle of a tearful confession about his body's intolerance to glucose, and you ruined it! So the guys all gang up on Ben and accuse him of not being genuine. It's probably the most boring group-gang-up in Bachelor history. And then a tweet of mine was posted on the show, so I literally lost all interest and didn't pay attention again until the rose ceremony.


During the Rose Ceremony, Des gives Nick M, Robert, and Will the shaft.  Nick M. Robert WillNick M seemed kind of boring, so no big loss there, but even though Will is kind of a dork, he was also one of the few funny ones of the Rosebuds. Robert was super cute, so obviously Des is incapable of making smart decisions. 
Top Four still stands as: 
Ben Brooks Zak W DrewNext week a girlfriend of one of the Rosebuds shows up, apparently there's a fight, and there's more talk about fairy tales and being a princess. So I'll be drinking next week, also. 
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What did you think of this week's episode? Who's your favorites so far? 

The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You, Part 3

Photo: 4uquotesru.comHere's the thing about conflict: I don't love it, and I would prefer not to have it in my life, but I do understand that sometimes, it's necessary. I like to think of it as being a rock in one of those Rock Tumbler Kits that we all had (or wished we had) as kids. It probably didn't feel great, to be that dull rock that was plucked from some kid's garden and tossed into that annoyingly loud tumbler. But occasionally you have to go through a lot of noise and at-times-painful jostling to get to the shiny and smooth.
In the end, there was fall-out from my decision to fire that former client. Have you ever had a discussion with someone where, the more calm and rational you remained, the more livid and out of control they became? Yeah. It was like that. And then I had a friend yell at me for something I said on Twitter, and then I unwittingly got involved in a tense discussion that I didn't want to be involved in, and then a simmering resentment was finally forced into the open with an acquaintance, and it was like, "ENOUGH. I just wanna move to a cabin in the woods again and become a reclusive writer and I'll go to Mooselips on Friday night for one cocktail so that people don't think I'm becoming the Unabomber but then THAT IS IT."
It was a stressful time.
And while it sucked - like, super really totally sucked - I dofeel that we learn the most about who we are when we are in the midst of conflict. And the trick, I think, to turning that conflict into something good is figuring out who you want to be at the end of it. Do you just want to win? Or do you want to come out of it knowing that you handled yourself well? Do you want to get your way? Or is it more important to diplomatically create future peace?
I will be the first to say that I've had to learn - a lot - not to just spout my mouth off when I feel like it. I know this might surprise some of you, but I'm...a bit of a firecracker. And even better/worse, I seem to have a knack for knowing how to sling words in a way that will fully hit their mark. But in recent years, I've learned that - when it's possible - it's better to keep my mouth shut and simply forgive and delete. Sometimes, I don't always have to tell everyone exactly how I feel, you know?
So when it came to this particular conflict, I decided to flex the muscles of brief, cordial, and professional. I somehow had an inkling that if this thing escalated, it would be best if my communication remained a stark contrast to theirs. And it did escalate...it escalated to bullying, then verbal abuse, and then to threats, all in the timeline of one email exchange (my exchange was somewhere along the lines of, "I understand that you're asking for this but I politely decline to do that at this time." and theirs was along the lines of, "You better watch your back."). And here's the part where, when your mettle is tested, you find out what you're made of:  I know I can be a powerful person, but especially as a woman, there's always been a small part of me, deep down inside, that worried what I would do if someone threatened my personal safety. Would I fight or flee? Here's the knowledge I gained that I'll now have with me for the rest of my life: When push comes to shove, I'm not going to let someone else hurt me. I'm not even going to let that someone threaten that they're going to try to hurt me. When my well-being is threatened, I'm not going to whimper and play dead...I'm going to do the thing that you're supposed to do with a bear who's roaring at you: I'm going to draw myself up to full height and roar the fuck back.
(In this instance, roaring back was stating, in no uncertain terms, that I would no longer be entertaining any further communication from this person, and that if they insisted upon continuing to infringe upon my personal comfort, I would react accordingly. And then I followed it up with a police report then they didn't take my advisement seriously. Yeah. It got THAT crazy, you guys.)
And it was scary, and it was stressful, and it was kind of unbelievable. It was hard for me, at first, to not blame my own judgment - how had I not seen this type of thing in this person before? But as my friend Larkin reminded me, "It's hard to spot crazy from far away."
Damn straight.
And if anything, that experience confirmed for me that I was right to disassociate myself from that person when I did. 
And here's The Big Point, and here's what I want to share with you: Looking back, I realized that the best things that ever happened to me all sprouted up from the soil of conflict. There has never been a "Oh, things were totally easy and super awesome and I was having a blast and this thing just came along and then life got even better!" Nope. Not even close. And while, again, sometimes it's simply a matter of deciding that you're going to turn those lemons into some super sweet hard hippie lemonade, it's heartening, isn't it, to realize that sometimes those suckholes are only a few digs away from finding a glittering seam of gold?

So now that that part was (essentially) over, it was time to start figuring out exactly what I wanted that seam of gold to look like.