'The Bachelorette' Recap, Episode 2: Here's Some Awful Stories About Me, Now Let's Make Out!.

Photo: macleans.caGood morning Bachelor Babies, and welcome to the recap for the second episode of The Bachelorette: Des Was Poor. Once again we return to an alternate universe where Des is a princess, every date is like a fairy tale, all the guys are knights in shining armor, and hopefully somebody dies a horrific death soon, because that's the awesome part that people always forget about fairy tales.

More truth telling after the jump!

Our episode opens with Chris calling all the Rosebuds into the living room, and then ominously announcing that only one would be going on a date tonight. "Which one of you will volunteer as tribute to honor your district?" He asks. Knowing that a a few hours alone with Des would be worse than certain death, no one steps forward. "All right then, here are the rules: There will be three dates each week. Two one-on-ones and one group date. At the end of every date, Des may choose to give an unlucky guy a rose, forcing him to stay on this excruciating journey even longer. But on the one-on-one, if she doesn't give you a rose...well. Then you are free, and will be going home immediately."

All the Rosebuds sit forward, nodding. Free. Free from this, finally...they could be sent home again. Back to their lives, their families, their dreams...the ones that are all their own, the ones that belong only to them... They could be happy again, they could be free, they could- "But if Des does give you a rose on a one-on-one, then you will continue on for another week."

Oh what cruelty! That this horrible woman holds their fate in the palm of her terrible hands...that their destinies are subject to her silly whims. The Rosebuds sigh and shake their heads at how torturous mere life can be. Chris holds up a card. They each eye it warily. "The name of the man going on the first one-on-one is on this card." He studies each of their faces, wanting them to understand the weight of what lies before them. "I will leave it here." Quietly, he lets the card drop onto the table. No one moves. Each Rosebud regards it with a certain dread...inside that card is the name of the man who must spend the evening with Des. Inside that card is the name of the man who must bear untold suffering and unimaginable pain for the rest of this godforsaken day.

Finally one of the Rosebuds walks up to the card, opens it, and reads, "Brooks."

The Date of Terrors

We see Des sitting at the drafting table in her Malibu Dream House, sketching yet another awful wedding dress and talking about how all this feels like a feels like a fairy tale. I drink deep from my cup at this, because that's a new game I made up - every time Des says that she feels like a "princess"  or that this feels like a "fairy Tale", I drink. (I also drink during every other second during the show, but particularly whenever she says either of those phrases). She then gets ready for her "date" that night, driving over to the Rosebud Hostage House to pick up Brooks. They hop in her car and she tells us that she really wants him to see her "passion and desire for designing wedding dresses", so they go to a bridal salon. It's a bold move. A bad, bad, bold move.

They try on wedding garb - Brooks tries on a green suit, which is apparently something you do when you have a sense of humor (did you guys know that? That you can just put on a colored suit and suddenly you're the funniest person in the world?), Des wears a wedding dress, and yet we're all still mystified as to what this has to do with designing an actual dress. They go to a food truck in their wedding duds and get mobbed by people paid by ABC to act like they like Des. Then they drive to the Hollywood sign. Des tells Brooks a bunch of stuff about this being some kind of anniversary for the sign and that usually no one has access to it, which is not true, otherwise how would the 90210 kids be able to replace "Hollywood" with "90210" after they graduated?! Brooks says, "You're the best" like she's the one who arranged it all, instead of a well-paid team of producers. Des tells us once again that she feels like a princess. The sun goes down, and Des and Brooks kiss, and this is the kind of the point where I know that the show's over, you guys can all go home now, because this is that part where all the other guys cease to stack up to Brooks in Des' eyes. They have genuine chemistry, and while he's kind of a dope, Brooks does seem like a super sweet, fun guy, which is exactly what Des is looking for.

Driving back from the Hollywood sign, Des acts like she's lost, and does another poor job of acting when they pull up to a roadblock and she's like, "Oh, let's just move these" and Brooks is like, "Uh, please don't" and we're all like, "OMG WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? Is this just a set up for a date surprise? That would be CRAZY!"
And it's dinner on a bridge in the middle of a slum! So romantic. I like that they recycled one of the most familiar dates from the last season of The Bachelor Pad. 
Look familiar? Lindsay and Kalon on their Bachelor Pad date last year. Photo: tvrecaps.ew.comBrooks opens up about his dad, I check out Twitter for a while, and then Des starts hearing music. I'm pretty excited, because I'm hoping this is a sign that she's crazy and that this is the part where she draws out a machete from under the table and the show finally gets good, but no. There really is music playing. It's so weird when bands that no one likes just pop up on these dates... You would almost think that the same company that owns ABC owns a record label or something. Anyway, Des and Brooks have to dance by themselves to an awful song, my face flushes in embarrassment for them, and I drink some more. 
All The Right Reasons, All The Right Reasons, This Date Will Make You Vom For All Four Seasons Photo: starpulse.comGroup date time! The kids all pull up to a winery, where Des is standing in the courtyard wearing a hootchie dress and super ugly heels. It must be for the making of a rap video! Soulja Boy, in a quest to revive his career in the worst way possible, is making a rap video with the Bachelorette and the Rosebuds called "All The Right Reasons." Basically it involves a few of the Rosebuds parodying past Bachelor peeps like Jason Meznik and Kasey That One Guy Who Got A Tattoo For Ali, which is kind of hilarious and awesome, except that Des is also in it. 
Brandon tells us that when they got the group date card asking "Are you here for the right reasons?", he knew she wasn't messing around. He's kind of a dummie, right? Like he's cute, but...maybe not the brightest bulb in the bunch. Des tells them that she needs a man who can have fun and laugh at himself. And the boys have to dance, and then some of them have to wear costumes and perform a rap lyric or two, which is awkward and embarrassing for all of us. 
Then the video is over, and the evening part of the date begins. Shirtless Wonder Zak W. pulls Des into a quiet corner and gives her a present. It's an antique journal, blank except for a beautiful inscription from a father to a daughter about letting her emotions flow from the pen. Des keeps cooing that this is "so amazing" and interrupting Zak with it when he tries to get deeper, and I start to realize that she doesn't actually realize what an amazing and thoughtful gift it is. Especially from Shirtless Wonder! Totally called it on being the Lindsay of this season who turns around his First Night antics and becomes a favorite. 
Brandon's not going to stress about the group date rose, because Brandon thinks that love is like a butterfly - hold it too tightly, and it's gonna get squished and die. The other guys obviously do not think that love is like a beautiful butterfly, because they use every moment with Des to tell her about their troubled childhoods and diseases and their chances of developing early-onset of glaucoma. Ben and Des even kiss, which is gross because it's so loud, and Brandon sees them kiss and he gets really upset because he's literally known this girl for one day and he's already developed strong enough feelings about her to get bummed about another guy kissing her. 
So Brandon decides that love doesn't have to be like a butterfly, so he goes to find Des and tells her all about his drug addict mom and his deadbeat dad. Des listens politely but also looks supremely disinterested, and for once I don't blame her - bottle up that crazy, Brandon. Get it together. Nothing kills the beautiful butterfly of love more than smothering it with all your baggage before it's even gotten a chance to grow some wings. 
See what I did there? I'm super good with analogies, you guys. 
Meanwhile, Mikey T. confronts Ben on not being genuine. Apparently Ben interrupted Mikey T's time with Des, and Ben does the equivalent of the female "I'm not here to make friends" Bitch Slogan by being all "I'm here for Des." He could give a shit what the other guys think about him, even though he tries to convince them that he does. I don't dislike Ben at this moment - he seems like that guy who heads up charities and helps little old ladies cross the street when everyone's watching and is the most popular member of the country club, but meanwhile he's leading a secret double life full of hookers and blow. Which would actually make him more interesting, and frankly I'm grateful for any dramatic diversions on what is fast becoming the most boring season ever.
In the end, Ben gets the group date rose, all the guys start chanting "All the right reasons, all the right reasons" and I have talk myself down from vomming my wine all over the place. 
Because Who Doesn't Bring Along Photos Of Their Past Bloody Disfigurement To Their First Dates?
Bryden has the next one-on-one date with Des, and Des decides that they should go on a road trip. I am now so bored with this show that I'm basically just drinking and tweeting back and forth with my Bachelor Twitter List. I do know that Bryden didn't know what brie was (what a dum-dum!), that they went to the beach and flew kites and other boring stuff like that, and that they go to dinner and Bryden starts telling her about an accident he had back in high school.
Why is this appropriate first date conversation? It is NOT, gentlemen. Not even on the Bachelor. I know that the guys are trying to create bonds with Des by telling her these things, but it makes it awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing. 
But no...then Bryden takes it to a WHOLE 'NOTHA LEVEL and actually pulls out PHOTOS of this accident to show Des. How romantic! Nothing like looking at photos of your date lying bloodied and disfigured in a hospital bed to get things heated up! 
They get in the pool, Des says some stuff to us about liking Bryden, they sit in the pool and make small talk, and finally she says, "Just kiss me already." "Just kiss you already?" He replies, surprised. NO, BRYDEN, TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE BECAUSE WE'RE OBVIOUSLY IN THE POOL IN OUR SWIMSUITS TO TALK ABOUT OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. 
Can we start giving out IQ tests during Bachelor/ette auditions from now on? Obviously we don't need them for Bachelor Pad, but for this show, can we just please start doing that, producers? 
The Cocktail Party of Careless Confessions
Cocktail time! Instead of using their time alone with Des to learn more about her, it seems that all the men have decided to monopolize her time with the unloading of baggage and useless confessions about their past. One guy told her he had diabetes, another guy told her that he was held back a grade, then another guy told her he was afraid of public speaking, and then another one told her that being gluten-intolerant made him the man he is today. 
But apparently, it's poor form to interrupt The Most Boring Faux-Deep Convo Ever, as Ben sadly learned that evening. Even though he already had a rose, Playa played it like every other champ in history and still decided to interrupt some other chump's time with Des for some connecting time of his own. Only this time it was Mike G getting the shaft, and he did not appreciate it, Ben! He was in the middle of a tearful confession about his body's intolerance to glucose, and you ruined it! So the guys all gang up on Ben and accuse him of not being genuine. It's probably the most boring group-gang-up in Bachelor history. And then a tweet of mine was posted on the show, so I literally lost all interest and didn't pay attention again until the rose ceremony.


During the Rose Ceremony, Des gives Nick M, Robert, and Will the shaft.  Nick M. Robert WillNick M seemed kind of boring, so no big loss there, but even though Will is kind of a dork, he was also one of the few funny ones of the Rosebuds. Robert was super cute, so obviously Des is incapable of making smart decisions. 
Top Four still stands as: 
Ben Brooks Zak W DrewNext week a girlfriend of one of the Rosebuds shows up, apparently there's a fight, and there's more talk about fairy tales and being a princess. So I'll be drinking next week, also. 
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What did you think of this week's episode? Who's your favorites so far?