Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 17

Fresh To Death: A Lil’ Spring Cleanin’ For Your Heart + Mind

Last night I gathered with a crew of super hot chicks for a Sex, Sleep, & Emotions Class, which then flowed into a Moon Gathering. Twas the Full Moon in Pisces, which is a perfect time for releasing and resetting. We talked a lot about how, around this time, a lot of us get jazzed to throw down some hard-core spring cleaning action onto our living spaces, but often neglect to do the same for our psyches.

Our hearts and minds are a lot like our closets. Crap accumulates. Stuff gets heavy. And every once in a while, you gotta get in there and do a deep clean. Air that shit out. Toss out the stuff that doesn’t work anymore – like the thing you bought with the best of intentions, promising yourself that it would fit sooner than later, but in the end, it never did (dudes, we’ve all been there). Get that space prepped and primed for the lighter, more colorful stuff that you want to bring in.

In spiritual + nerd speak, you Level Up in life by busting through the blocks and smashing through the walls that are holding you back from your highest self. And we all have those things: Lame relationships that we can’t seem to let go of, memories or mistakes that we use to hate on ourselves with, gross interactions or missteps that haunt us still. The Full Moon in Pisces is the perfect time to finally let that gross shiz go (when the Pisces fish is done with something, it simply swims away from it, never to return). How? By laying some heavy-ass forgiveness on the thing that’s been following you around like the ghosts from Pac-Man.

And then you release it. Fucking let that shiz go.

To help, spark up some self-love by rubbing a little Bergamot essential oil onto your heart space; next, ignite your vision and heart-mind connection by dabbing a bit of Frankincense onto your third eye; then, release old patterns and the feeling of being stuck by smoothing some White Fir onto the bottoms of your feet. If it helps, write a letter to the thing you most want to let go of. Let yourself float into a stream of consciousness – sometimes it’s crazy, the stuff that comes up for you when you just stop censoring, editing, and monitoring yourself and let your brain speak to you for once (hello, dreams). Finally, get quiet, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let your mind usher into your consciousness the things, people, and experiences that no longer serve you (a guided Releasing or Forgiving meditation by Gabrielle Bernstein will do the heavy lifting for you). Recognize the place those things once had in your life, accept it for what it once was, forgive it for what it has become, and then release it. Wash it all with golden light, and imagine yourself smashing the thing into a thousand pieces (I literally imagine the Super Smash visual and sound effects from old video games…it’s surprisingly gratifying) or tossing it into the ether.

Then take that letter and delete it. Or print it out and burn it.

It’s over.

You are motherfucking done with that shiz. 

And BAM – you’ve just made space for some rad new stuff come into your life. Nature abhors a vacuum, and probably the most valuable and infallible rule of the universe is that, when you delete gross stuff from your heart + mind, you’re sending a message to the Cloud that you now have space on your hard drive for some stellar new tracks. You can either get really deep with that principle, or keep it stupidly simple. Either way? Get into it. It’s fucking spring, y’all.

Time to make your life fresh to death.

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 10: The Women Tell All!

Every season, I look forward to The Women Tell All (or, more aptly, The Men Tell All, because that shit is always super fun). From the very beginning, it’s been the best episode of the entire season – a chance to see get the women’s inside perspective on the show, each other, and less importantly, the Bachelor.

In later seasons, though, the Bachelor franchise has skimped on the Women Tell All – filling up the time with unnecessary flashbacks, Harrison and the Bachelor showing up at Bachelor viewing parties, and talking to the girls we could give a shit about. I wanna hear the DIRT! I wanna know about the stuff that we didn’t get to see! I wanna hear what each girl REALLY thinks about the Bachelor! I wanna hear which girl all the other girls thinks will get a rose!

So this year, after the craziness and drama of this season – which made it even more obvious that the producers knew just how boring Chris would be, so they instead focused on finding crazy, dramatic, controversial girls to fill the house with – I told my pals that if the Women Tell All skimped on the gossip this year, I was gonna put a hit out on some of the producers I follow on Twitter.

Just kidding.

I actually don’t care that much.

But I WAS gonna complain about it on Twitter.

Luckily, that didn’t have to happen. Even though WTA missed the mark on some stuff, there was enough to keep me happy.

RT @NickPetersonTV: America watching #TheBachelor #WomenTellAll pic.twitter.com/eZHWB0vWbL

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) March 3, 2015

Harrison & Chris Surprise Some Bachelor Viewing Parties That Nobody Cares About Unless They Were Actually At Those Viewing Parties

Snooze. Stop wasting our time with this unless you’re going to show up at every viewing party in America, because we could give a shit what other girls are doing or how excited they were to see Chris and Harrison. The End.

The Part Where Ashley S Basically Admits To Being a Total Freaking Weirdo Yet I Still Suspect That She’s On Some Psychotropic Drugs Because That Shit Is Messed Up

I mean, that’s basically it. She got up onto the hot seat, gave Harrison an onion as a gift, shrugged about being such a weirdo, and Harrison begged her to be a part of Bachelor In Paradise.

The Part Where We Kind of Want To Take Britt’s Side At First But Then She Cries All The Time So We’re All Just Like, SHUT UP, BRITT

So let’s get to the part that we’ve all been waiting for: The part where Britt confronts Carly on how she thought Carly was her friend but she betrayed her, etc.

First, I gotta say it: Carly looks great:

…and Britt looks like she’s still wearing the same makeup from her one-on-one date with Chris (her dress is rad, though).

Here’s how the conversation played out:

Britt: I thought, like, you were my best friend, dude.

Carly: Yeah, I never said that.

Britt: But we sat on your bed and talked about our feelings and wrote in our dream journals together. I wrote down all the songs you told me to check out, and I wrote them in my journal.

Carly: *shrugs*

Britt: *cries*

Jillian: “CARLY YOU TOLD EVERYONE I HAD A BIG DIIIIIICK!” *HULK SMASHES CHAIR*

Carly: *shrugs*

Some girl that none of us have ever seen before: “It wasn’t about FRIENDSHIP! It was about CHRIS!”

Britt: *waits for camera to turn to her again, then cries*

Harrison: “Britt, come up here.”

Britt: “Carly ruined my relationship with Chris.”

Carly: “No, you ruined it because you were being fake.”

Jade: “Yeah, Britt, you’re pretty fake.”

Britt: “I just think Carly’s jealous and would rather hate on me than focus on her own issues.”

Carly: *shrugs*

Britt: “Ashley I. lied about me not wanting kids. I’ve worked with kids my entire life! I love kids! I’ve done a MILLION THINGS WITH KIDS!”

Ashley I: *bats eyelash extensions* “Like, sorry. Miscommunication.”

Britt: *cries some more*

Harrison: “Did you really think you would be happy in Iowa, Britt? I don’t even see you staying there for very long.”

Britt: “But a house. In the country. With Chris. I mean…”

Harrison: “You gonna cry some more?”

Britt: *waits for the camera to turn to her again* *nods* *cries some more*

Harrison: “Get outta here, ya dramatic baby.”

Kaitlyn: “YEAH, GET OUTTA HERE.”

Britt: *takes her gold metallic dress back to her chair with the women. waits for the camera to pan the rest of the women, then come back to her. starts crying again*

Kelsey Tries To Get Us To Feel Sorry For Her, But The More We See The Footage of Her From The Season, The Less We Do

So Kelsey goes up to the hot seat and says a bunch of fake stuff about how she felt so betrayed by the women, and that she feels like she’s “grieving all over again”. This REALLY pisses the women off. First of all, yes – no one knows what your grief journey is like except for you, and everyone grieves in your own way, and I’m not going to speak to whether Kelsey was ready to go on the show or not. But, it’s the using your grieving process as a way to gain sympathy that is annoying and gross, and I feel like some of the girls didn’t quite get that point across as eloquently as they could have. But wow – a LOT of them really were truly and thoroughly disgusted with her. Ashley I. wouldn’t accept Kelsey’s apology about saying that Kelsey was up “here” and Ashley was down “there”, and when Kelsey tried to get all uppity about Ashley insinuating that “Sanderson Poe” – also, does anyone else note that Kelsey loves to say his whole name like that? You know she fucking loves that name and just wants everyone to be all, “Oh, what a COOL name! He must be a MUSICIAN!” So annoying – was actually fake and Kelsey was never married in the first place, Ashley literally just rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and retorted that it was so bizarre how, every time Kelsey brought the story up, that she never showed emotion. “It really was unbelievable.”

And then Juelia laid into Kelsey, telling her that she’s never seen someone so calculating in using something tragic that had happened to her (and Juelia can speak to that, actually) and called her condescending and rude. “There’s a reason why you’re not friends with these people.”

Ooof. That was way harsh, Tai.

But it was Trina – whom, again, we’ve never seen before – who hit it on the head with Kelsey bragging that she had “an amazing story.” “You don’t say that when you lose someone!” Nope. No, you don’t. Unless you’re Kelsey, in which case you revel in the tragedy. Samantha’s reason for hating Kelsey was personal, in that she felt that the reason why she got elminated when she did was because Kesley orchestrated a “pity rose” with her panic attack. “I lost out,” Samantha pointed out. “Sammy,” Kelsey replied – oof, DO NOT CALL HER SAMMY, YOU DON’T KNOW HER LIKE THAT – “You should know that I felt like it was my fault that the cocktail party got canceled.”

YA THINK?

Chris Finally Shows His Face

So Chris comes out, and immediately Harrison notes that Britt is getting “emotional” again. “Can I come up there?” she asks. OF COURSE YOU CAN, BRITT, DIDN’T YOU KNOW? THIS WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT YOU!

Britt goes up to Chris, gives him the longest, most awkward hug ever, then not only hijacks his appearance, but uses it to shit-talk Carly to him. “I don’t think it’s bad that you believed her. She duped me too,” she told him.

What. A. Bitch.

I used to really like Britt, and as some of you might remember me saying at the beginning of the season, unless she ended up doing something horribly wrong, I really wanted her for the next Bachelorette. And Carly might be jealous, but I’m kind of on her side because she reminds me of the girl in the movie who sees the pretty, popular girl for who she really is and only wants to take her down so that everyone else can finally see the popular girl for the shitty person she is, too.

Britt is a spoiled brat. Someone had also brought up the whole “fear of heights” vs. “SO EXCITED for the hot air balloon ride” thing that also painted Britt as disingenuous, and you know what Britt’s reply was? That she and Chris had AMAZING conversations on the hot air balloon ride, but that wasn’t shown because the girls were all back at the hotel, talking badly about her and how she didn’t want to have kids. SORRY THAT THE PRODUCERS DIDN’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU, BRITT.

The best, though, was when Britt tried to do the “look at how wonderful and mature and kind I’m being about this whole thing” by telling Chris that she didn’t blame him for believing Carly and that he did the right thing with the information that he had, and that she was just “really proud” of him and that she respected him. “I never lied to you.” Chris, in response, thanked her for her words, but laid the smack down that Carly had nothing to do with why he would have asked her to leave the show if she hadn’t decided to leave first (or, what he really meant was, “that time you pretended to leave just to get me to convince you to stay because you knew you probably weren’t getting a rose”). “My decision was based on our journey together and our relationship,” he said.

HAHAHA, BRITT, GUESS YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.

In the now infamous words of Carly:

“How it’s feel?”

Agreed x A Billion RT @SeanLowe09: I can't watch Britt cry anymore.

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) March 3, 2015

So that was fun.

The Part Where Kaitlyn Stays In Her Seat And America Loves Her Because She’s Now The Opposite of Britt

Chris and Kaitlyn’s conversation was surprisingly low-key. Harrison had called Kaitlyn up to talk earlier in the show, where she admitted that she had been falling in love with Chris, and that she just needed some closure on why she was sent home. So when Chris came out, Kaitlyn stayed where she was, she didn’t cry, and she was very much all “Yo, explain yourself” to Chris about eliminating her instead of Becca. She dropped something in there that made America realize that they had, indeed, done it in the Fantasy Suite, but what she really wanted to know was why he let her stand through a rose ceremony if he knew she was going home. The unspoken insinuation was “Why would you pull Becca away to talk to her and give her a chance to leave gracefully, but yet you let me stand there and wait to be eliminated like a chump?” Chris told her he still didn’t have an answer (dick), and that, going into the rose ceremony, “I was still wavering on what my decisions were going to be and I apologize. I could have handled it differently and in hindsight that would’ve been the right thing to do.” Yep.

The Part Where Chris Does Something Right For Once When He Talks To Jade

So Jade joins Chris in the hot seat and pretty much gives it to him about how, when he eliminated her, he told her it didn’t have to do with her nudie pics, but that she then later read his blog about how he was “disturbed” to learn about her wilder side from her brothers. She explained that she had been showing Chris a shyer side of her as they got to know each other better, and that his words really hurt her. “After the episode aired I read your People blog and what you said really hurt me,” she told him. “You said that the person that you knew and the person my family described were two different people and that was ‘disturbing’ and I just want to know what you mean by that.” Chris apologized, and explained that “caught off-guard” was probably a better way to put it. Jade also called him on saying that looking at the photos were awkward, and we got some background intel that, when the nudie video screening was happening, Chris and Jade had had a conversation about the fact that seeing the video should maybe be saved for a special moment but Jade also didn’t want Chris to see the photos or video from someone else, so Chris, in the end, told her it was okay if they looked at them right then. Chris apologized for making her feel like she had been thrown under the bus, but that awkward was truly how “it initially felt. And I think you would have felt a little awkward as well!” (if it had been nude photos of Chris). Personally, I don’t feel like that would have been awkward at all..it’s practically what we’ve been watching this entire season for in the secret hopes of. But, that explanation seemed to break the ice between them, and they hugged and laughed and yay Jade.

Then we got to see the bloopers – yawn – and then Harrison announces that he’s written a book! And it’s a romance novel!

IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ANY OF THE STORY IDEAS I’VE WRITTEN ABOUT IN MY RECAPS, HARRISON! I KNOW YOU READ THESE RECAPS AND IF YOU STOLE ANY OF THOSE STORY IDEAS I WILL SUE YOU AND THE PRICE YOU WILL BE ORDERED TO PAY BY A COURT OF LAW IS TO MARRY ME AND BE THE FATHER OF ALL MY CHILDREN!

See you Bachelor Baes next week, when Chris picks Whitney and Becca goes home to remain a virgin FOREVER!

{Prehistoric Amber} Northwoods Spotlight: The Apostle Islands Ice Caves

[Note: This is a post I wrote for Girl from the Northwoods last year. Today it was announced that the Ice Caves will be open again on Saturday, so I thought this would be a perfectly timed Prehistoric Amber post. Please head over here for updates on parking, admission, and trail conditions. I’ll work on a “If You Go” post for those looking to round out their the Ice Caves trip with some cool local places and will try to have that up and in front of your fine faces by Friday)

Living up here in the Northwoods, for some reason I always kind of feel like people need to ask for my permission before they can up for here for stuff like the Birkie or Fat Tire.

Or at least give me credit for being an obviously integral and super important part of the Northwoods that they’re visiting and enjoying.

Especially if they’re people that I know… Part of it is just me being my territorial self, which is admittedly one of my less-awesome character traits (hi, every girl who’s tried to date one of my guy friends! How are you? Sorry for being a jerk). But I think this sort of attitude is also something I share with a lot of locals, and it grows the longer I become a local myself…that sort of protective ownership and pride tends to bleed into uptight territorial tendencies (This is OUR special place, NOT YOURS!)

Pretty sure this’ll be the next cover of National Geographic. Headline: “Newly Famous Ice Caves Explorer Fun, Also Cool.”

The other part of it is just me being a self-absorbed jerk who doesn’t like to share and still feels flabbergasted when offered proof that she’s not the center of everyone’s universe. I mean, if you’re going to the Ice Caves, you’re only going to be a short 45 minutes away from where I live. That’s reason enough to plan your entire trip around the opportunity to see me, yeah?

Anyway.

The reason why I’m sharing this is because, when the Lake Superior Ice Caves opened in January for the first time in 5 years and everyone started going ballistic about it, I put it on my bucket list of Need-To-Do-At-First-Opportunity. First, because they are freaking ridiculously awesome and possibly a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but also because I didn’t want 5,000 other jerks to get there first and ruin it all for me.

Oh! Hello! I didn’t even see you there…I was just lounging around on this ice formation, thinking classy thoughts…

(This also works into another one of my neuroticisms, which is a minor panic that, if I’m going to some kind of show, experience, or party, I have to get there super early so that other people don’t ruin it for me by crowding out the place or gobbling up all the good stuff. I grew up with brothers. A lot of stuff got ruined if I didn’t get there first, okay!?

Boy, you guys are getting know me REALLY well with this post! I don’t think 75% of the guys I’ve dated even knew all this about me. Let’s get married. Two kids cool with you? Great.)

That’s Sasquatch.

If you haven’t yet heard about the Lake Superior Ice Caves, they’re a natural wonder of the Apostle Islands National Lakeshore. During the summer, the sea caves of the Apostle Islands are only accessible by boat and kayak, so being able to access them by foot in the winter is already pretty awesome…but when wind, snow, and ice combine to form the ice caves, the magnificent result will make you feel that you’ve traveled to a different world altogether.

So when I was spending time with my family for my father’s birthday and my mom asked if I wanted to venture up to the Ice Caves only a couple days before my birthday, I jumped at the chance.

I mean, what better way to celebrate my birthday than by marveling at natural wonders that were obviously created just for the anniversary of my very special birth?

#ForScale

So we headed up north to the Apostle Islands National Lakeshore, the entrance to the mainland sea caves along Lake Superior. My rad mom and I lucked out in that we decided to go on a weekday (Tuesday, to be exact) that just happened to be the warmest day the Northwoods had seen in weeks. We were also super lucky to roll in just as two packed school buses were leaving. The crowds were small enough that we got to park close to the entrance (as opposed to three miles down the highway, which some unlucky suckers experienced last weekend when visitors reached a record high).

The temp was around 14 degrees, but we still bundled up and used heated handwarmers inside our mittens…being seasoned lake visitors, we knew that conditions on the lake tend to be windy and chilly no matter what the temps are (especially since, I mean…you’re walking on ice. You’re on a miles-wide slab of frozen ICE). I also have to give my mom another high-five for bringing Yaktrax for us to wear on our boots – those things made the trek super easy and worry-free (especially for this girl, who only broke her tailbone a year ago after slipping on ice).

I did all of this FOR YOU! SPECIAL! Just for YOU!

After a respectable hike – about a mile on a paved path of snow – we reached the Ice Caves, and they were AMAZING. Just ridiculously breathtaking. Giant sculptures of glittering, shimmering ice against red and brown rock. I’m already weirdly fascinated with everything Arctic, so having a natural wonder like this in my backyard just makes me feel so, so lucky to live here.

Trekking back, we decided to hit up Big Water Coffee Roasters for something warm, which served as both motivation and reward for a really windy mile-long hike. If you don’t know this about me yet, Big Water Coffee Roasters is one of my absolute favorite places on earth: The staff is always uber friendly (and hilarious…the barista on duty that day teased my mom and I about being on our cellphones instead of talking to each other. I was like, “Dude, we just hiked across Lake Superior together. We’ve talked enough.”), the atmosphere is über cool, and the coffee…it’s tragic, basically, to be in Bayfield and *not* go to Big Water.

All in all, it was a wonderful day with my moms, and an uber awesome way to celebrate my 35th birthday.

If you’re even *thinking* about going, make haste and get up there – there’s no telling how long the Ice Caves are going to be accessible or if they’ll open again next winter (this is the first time in five years that they’ve been open to the public).

If you go:

* Call the Ice Line first to make sure the Ice Caves will still be open on the day of your visit. You can also get directions to the park entrance by clicking the link above.

* Go on a weekday, or go early/late on the weekend to beat the crowds. Current reports cite that the Caves are seeing around 6,000 people on weekends, so…that’s a lot of people to maneuver around for your new Facebook profile pic, yeah? If you absolutely can’t go on a weekday, then try to go around sunrise or right at sunset – you’ll beat the crowds (not to mention get some super stellar photos).

* Leave the little ones at home. I am not exaggerating when I say that it’s a trek out to the Caves, it’s windy and old, and it can be a miserable experience for anyone who isn’t totally gung ho on seeing the Caves. In my opinion, the Ice Caves themselves just aren’t something that a kid under 7 can really appreciate. We heard a lot of crying and whining from little ones about being cold and bored, and I did not envy the hassle for some parents who thought sleds or shoulder carriers were a good idea.

* Bring cash for parking. Parking spots at the lake entrance cost $2, so if you’re lucky to be parking off the highway, pull up to the cash dropbox in the parking lot and get your slip *before* you park (it will save you an extra trip back to your car to place your slip in your windshield). There’s also a shuttle available on the weekends.

* Bundle up. As previously mentioned, no matter what the temperature, it’s always windy and chilly on the lake. Wear lots of layers, and snag some heated handwarmers at the gas station before you arrive – they are a lifesaver!

* Yaktrax are the best thing ever for the mile-long walk on ice and snow. Poles, not so much. They seemed to really slow people down. Go for the Yaks instead.

* Bring a fully charged phone or camera for photos. I charged my phone to full power before we left, then turned it off and didn’t turn it back on again until I was right in front of my first photo opportunity. The reception up there is spotty, so having it on – especially in those cold conditions – will drain your battery fast.

* Plan to hit a warm-up spot afterward. Bayfield and Washburn both sport some of the coolest places in the Northwoods, so rushing back home after a visit to the Ice Caves is kind of the dumbest move ever.  Hit up Big Water Coffee Roasters for the best damn Pumpkin Spice Latte you’ve ever had (trust me on this one, ladies) or a Lavendar Mocha. If you’re in the mood for alcohol, hit up The Bayfield Inn for one of the best Bloody Marys on the planet (and if they have fish tacos available while you’re there, GET ONE). Or, tuck into The Snug in Washburn for a beer and some Scottish Eggs. If you’re really out to grab a hold of the day, head to Ashland and visit the South Shore Brewery, Black Cat Coffeehouse, and Ashland Baking Company.

Hope you have the greatest time!!!

And if you do, I definitely expect you to give me credit for it.

Written & Published February 19, 2014

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 9: Bali’n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites

Welcome to Episode 9 of The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer! We are finally to the famous Fantasy Suite episode, where Chris finally gets to nail three of the ladies that he’s barely gotten to know over the course of 9 weeks!

Except that, this season, he only gets to nail 2 because one of those girls is a virgin.

After wandering listlessly in Iowa, New Mexico, and Deadwood, SD (seriously, Bachelor franchise, I am never going to let you live that one down), Chris has come to Bali on a spiritual quest…after a painful divorce brought on by the realization that he doesn’t want to have children, Chris has embarked on a round-the-world journey to find himself again and make peace with his soul. In an effort to focus on himself and not just match whatever romantic relationship he happens to be in, Chris has remained abstinent this entire time.

Well, except for that time when he fingered Britt during their “nap”.

(Whatever, like we weren’t all thinking that that’s what really happened. A lot of us went to college, okay? I went to a goddamn Bible college, and even I know what “nap” stands for.

But no more! Because he is now on the sacred, spiritual island of Bali, and that means doing’ it in the Fantasy Suites!

Oh, except that one of the girls is a virgin.

So. That sucks.

Monkey See, Monkey Poo

Kaitlyn and Chris meet up for their overnight date, where they do some stuff like hang out at a sacred temple and then play with monkeys.

 

 

Chris sweats a lot – like, a lot a lot, because it’s a tropical island on the sea, and omg science – and even though monkeys are filthy animals that carry the Ebola virus, it’s apparently sooo hilarious when they literally pee and poop everywhere while Chris and Kaitlyn try to interact with them. Super romantic, guys!

This is really boring. Get to the part where they start doing it in the Fantasy Suites. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

Even though Kaitlyn said “I heart you” during the Hometown dates, she’s super nervous about “letting her guard” down with Chris and telling him that she’s falling in love with him. Apparently Chris and Kaitlyn had a conversation where he noted that she seemed to have her guard up, and during this date, Chris really wants her to let her guard down with them.

Uh oh.

Classic #TheBachelor:
1. Contestant is pressured by The Bachelor(bette) to "let their guard down".
2. They do.
3. They get eliminated.

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

See, in almost every incarnation of The Bachelor, there’s always one guy or girl toward the end that that Bachelor(ette) is pressuring to “let their guard down”. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, that person will open up to the Bachelor(ette) and tell them how they’re feeling, and then they’ll get sent home. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because you wanna know what “let your guard down” is, in real talk? “I don’t exactly know how I feel about you yet, but I’m hoping you’ll tell me a bunch of stuff that will change my mind and make me wanna keep you around.” It’s literally the emotional equivalent of “You would do it if you loved me.”

So anyway. Chris and Kaitlyn show up for their dinner together. The Fantasy Suite invitation arrives and Kaitlyn’s all, “We deserve this.”

Ya sure do, ya crazy kids! I mean, going on national TV and having all-expenses paid trips to Bali and earning a brand new lucrative career trajectory is just soooooo hard. You guys TOTALLY deserve this, and everything else that you get for free because you went out and followed your dreams by auditioning for a reality TV show!

So they walk into the Fantasy Suite, and there’s a hot tub with a bunch of rose petals strewn into in the shape of a heart (that poor fuck who had to style that – sorry, dude), and they sit down on a couch to talk about their “feelings”. Kaitlyn tells Chris that, while it’s really hard for her to open up and be vulnerable, blah blah blah, she’s falling in love with him.

"I'm totally, totally listening, listening sooooo hard." @C_Soules #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/cLWYebkCO0

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 24, 2015

Then HE tells HER that he’s falling in love with HER.

Wait, is he allowed to say that? Is that a spoiler? #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/mEuHUEVJaM

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 24, 2015

Which is kind of huge, you guys.

You see, in the land of The Bachelor, it’s okay for The Bachelor to tell us that he’s falling in love with a girl, but it’s kind of a big no-no to tell the actual girl that you’re falling in love. In fact, there’s been a multitude of girls who have struggled with the fact that they were expected to tell the Bachelor that, knowing that he “couldn’t” say it back. And while I don’t think it’s a contractual rule – the only big contractual rule is that you can’t tell a girl that you’re going to give her the Final Rose until you’re actually *at* the Final Rose – the amount of avoidance a Bachelor will go through to avoid committing that faux pas is both historically awkward and sometimes painful.

So anyway, that’s what happened, and then they did it.

Saaaaaaailin’, Sailin’ Away On Whitney’s Nasal Passss-aaaaa-gesssss

Whitney shows up and tells Chris that she has a surprise for him. “Come with me!’ She says excitedly, putting her hands over his eyes and leading him down to the shore. When she removes them, he sees a little row boat.

“What is this?” He asks.

“I rented a whole island for us for the weekend.”

“Why would you do that? I can’t just leave.”

“Of course you can. This is how it works – I do this grand romantic gesture, and you go with me.”

“But I have to MEDITATE!” Chris yells at her. “That’s why I’m here! TO MEDITATE! I am on a SPIRITUAL QUEST! And now you’re trying to RUIN IT!”

“Chriiiiiiiiiis!” Whitney whines in her baby voice. “But I thought you would be haaaaaapy!”

“STOP PUSHING ME!” Chris yells. He turns away and starts walking up the beach path. “I’m going to go MEDITATE, like I wanted to do THIS WHOLE TIME, until YOU came along!”

But later Chris changes his mind and decides to go sailing with Whitney.

The only notable thing from that entire day is this incredibly awks photo that I ended up talking about with my old awesome roomie, Andy, about on Twitter -

Whitney's position in this photo makes me uncomfortable. RT @BachelorABC: She's completely invested. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/U8VbYSEWPg

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

The position of that Bachelor logo is very unfortunate.

Also, this happened:

The search for the next #Bachelor is over! pic.twitter.com/zJuz1Ze0OE

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 24, 2015

Later that night, Whitney and Chris have dinner and get the Fantasy Suite invite. Whitney apparently has the voice of a baby and the libido of a cougar.

"Check, please!" #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/8CpcVr0MSp

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 24, 2015

SHE’S GONNA DO HIM, YOU GUYS.

But not before she tells him that she’s totally ready to give up the career that she’s worked so hard for in Chicago so she can move to bumfuck Iowa with him and make the babies.

Cool.

The Date Where Becca Talks a Lot About Her Vagina

Can we just talk about how gorgeous Becca is here? Holy smokies.

Becca is very worried about her vagina. You see, her vagina is the new vagina in town, and it’s never hosted a penis party before. But her date tonight is all about the penis party, and Becca’s not sure how to tell Chris that her vagina is still under renovation and therefore closed to any and all penis parties, and will remain so until she procures the correct documents that will allow her vagina to host a penis party. After she has those documents, though, her vagina will open for business, and then she intends on having a penis party in her vagina every night of the week, and maybe even during some days, if the retainer fits the bill.

But before she can tell Chris about her no-penis-party rule, he takes her to see the small, toothless man who taught him how to truly meditate.

“He told me that when I meditate, I should be smiling down to my liver,” he whispers to her. “Oh cool,” Becca replies, with absolutely no emotional affect or inflection in her voice, because that’s just the way she says stuff. They sit down before him. “Master,” Chris intones. “Tell us what you know.”

The small man is quiet, then whistles through his two teeth, “Make love tonight.”

“HAHAHAHAHA, HO HO HO, WOW, THIS GUY IS TALENTED,” Becca fake-laughs as she stands up. “BOY, A REAL JOKER, THAT ONE!” She calls back, as she sprints away. Chris watches her, then turns back to his meditation master. “Good, now we can mediate in peace, like I wanted to do IN THE FIRST PLACE before all these chicks showed up to DISTRACT ME FROM MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY.”

Later that afternoon, Chris finds Becca hanging out by a pool of water. They take their shoes off, get into the water, and start making out. The End.

The two of them reunite for a romantic dinner that evening.

Becca tells us that tonight she’s going to have to tell Chris that her vagina is closed for business…except, wait! Only, if Chris tells her that he falling in love with her, there’s a chance that her vagina might decide to do a soft opening for VIP penis clients.

RT @jenniferweiner: "Tonight's a make-or-break night," Becca deadpans. "OH NOOOOO!" says Becca's hymen. #thebachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

“It’s very natural to want to have sex,” Becca says, trying to convince herself. “It’s very natural to not want to run away and hide, to not want to lock yourself in a convent so no man can ever find or touch you, ever. It’s very natural to not want to throw up at the thought of him putting his dirty, rough hands all over your pure, untouched body. It’s very natural to pretend like I enjoy kissing a man when in reality all it makes me want to do is scream and cry and run away as fast I can, off this island and into the calm, silencing depths of the blue watery sea forever.”

While pretending to eat dinner, they talk about their feelings and whether or not Becca could see herself moving to Iowa. Becca concedes that Arlington is really small, and that she would want to be sure of a future with him before she gave up her life to move there to be with him. Becca talks about falling in love with Chris the way someone would talk about an undiagnosed illness – I’ve never felt this way before, so I feel like this must be what it’s like to fall in love? – and Chris tells her that he feels the same way, and can see the two of them together for the rest of their lives. He whisks out the Fantasy Suite Invitation, and Becca tell him that she would love to have some alone time with him. The look in Chris’ eyes is so priceless, because you know that he’s literally, at that moment, thinking about what it’s going to be like to do her.

But later! She sits him down on the couch and basically tells him that she’s a virgin.

This is the face of a guy who just had his fantasy suite plans ruined. #TheBachelor #watchwithUs pic.twitter.com/stG6vbhx3D

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) February 24, 2015

Chris gives out the most awkward sigh in history.

"i'm a virgin." – Becca

"Uhhhhh. Mmmmm. Uhhhhh. Whew…" – Chris, nailing it once again with his Iowan eloquence.

#TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

He first says that he never knows how to respond with that kind of information (Uh, after having to respond to it more than almost any other guy in history, you should have a handle on it now, Chris), but that he respects that and that her intact hymen says a lot about who she is.

RT @JillBidenVeep: "Yes, all sex always lasts 30 seconds, 35 tops." – Chris to Becca. #Bachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

Zing! RT @team_bentley: Chris really appreciates that Becca is okay with things being smaller than she expected. #PrinceFarming #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

He says that he’s more concerned about how they’re going to work through how they’re going to be together in the future, and at that moment, I kind of genuinely really do want the two of them to end up together.

Even though they won’t.

By The Time The Cock Crows Three Times, It Is Then That Chris Will Have Betrayed Kaitlyn

Once again, the crazy kids of The Bachelor find themselves at a sacred temple, dressed up in traditional Bali garb. Harrison gives Chris a very careful speech of what can happen on those holy grounds and what cannot, and I am immediately comfortable with the fact that they’re shooting a rose ceremony on a holy, hallowed space. Gross, you guys.

Chris thinks a lot about how he started this journey first to eat, then to pray, and then to find love. And here, in this sacred temple, as he looks at the three women that he most likely banged all in the same week, it’s obvious that’s he’s probably done two of those three, and it weren’t no prayin’. He starts to give a speech and then asks Becca if he can talk to her for a moment. She steps forward and takes his hand, and there was something about that gesture that suggested a lot of intimacy.

Both Whitney and Kaitlyn takes this mean that Becca’s going home right then and there, and that Chris just didn’t want to humiliate her with a Rose Ceremony. Nope – instead it means that Becca and Chris talk about how they left things the morning after the Fantasy Suite: Apparently Chris still feels unmoored by the fact that Becca is unsure about whether or not she loves him and can see herself in Iowa.

Becca hasn't said I love you yet and has concerns about moving to Iowa. In other words she's completely normal. #TheBachelor

— West Lee (@NotthatAdamWest) February 24, 2015

Which bugs me – I know you want to know, but at the same time, it irritates me that you can’t just give her some space to figure it out on her own. But the conversation ends well and they walk back int the ceremony hand in hand, much to both Whitney and Kaitlyn’s shock.

Kaitlyn ends up not getting a rose. Totally called it.

Called it. Call it every time. When #TheBachelor pushes you to "let your guard down", they're eliminating you in the next Rose Ceremony.

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 24, 2015

He walks her out to the van (there’s no Limo of Tears in Bali, only a clunky Van of Tears) and the pain on her face is seriously tough to take.

She tells us in the Van of Tears that this is why she didn’t want to let her guard down, and all I can say is YUP.

Meanwhile, Becca is like "lets never leave this holy ground in which you aren't allowed to kiss or touch." #bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 24, 2015

Next week! It’s the Women Tell All, and I am SO EXCITE. Kelsey! Kardashley! Mackenzie! Ashley S.! Britt! Carly! All I gotta say, though, is if we had to sit through a three-hour premier and will likely have to sit through a three-hour finale, you better fucking make that Women Tell All worth it, ABC. None of this bullshit one-hour quick clips of the women’s conversations with each other. I WANT BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIFE THREE HOUR REUNION TYPE STUFF.

Do it for me, ABC.

Do it for America.

See you Bachelor baes next week!

New + Full Moon Gatherings

Last night:

 

• Brownies made with Peppermint Essential Oil (so good!)

• A super casual class about mind-blowing oils + talking about All The Patchouli Feels

• A gorgeous guided meditation by Gabrielle Bernstein (get yours here)

• Materializing the future through vision boards

• Personalities + relationships illuminated by The Secret Language of Relationships

• More mind-blowing tarot card readings by Kari

• (As always) Wine + the best kind of girl talk

•••

It’s kind of a dorky story.

(But I literally just realized that absolutely everything great in my life has started out that way, so.)

It was an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I dig Dina Manzo, as I dig most soulful chicks with style. Seeing the AstroTwins, Ophi and Tali Edut, show up on the episode was like seeing a pair of old friends show up a new friend’s party. On a whim, I Google’d Dina Manzo’s website, and found this:

When I first started listening to Gabrielle Bernstein’s first living room lectures on The Course of Miracles or reading about Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions, I would think about how rad it would be to gather a local group of chicks together to explore and learn about All The Cosmic Things…meditation, manifesting, astrology, intuition, etc. Yet it was always just A Great Idea…something that stayed in the back of my mind, waiting to be shaped solidly into a plan.

Yet something about the above video clicked. Running on a lot of instinct and intuition, I asked two amazing women, Kari and Danielle, to help me, and then got to plannin’.

You know what makes planning fun? Freestyling your invite list by letting names float into your brain, writing them down, and doing a stomp performance on pre-judgement. ‘Cause you never know who might be, at that very moment, in the midst of being led to something like this.

Then you make it personal: As in, fuck Facebook Events (did you guys know that most people take “please RSVP” as a mere suggestion? And that Facebook is the absolute WORST place to try and plan an event? And that the “Maybe” reply is total, total bullshit?). Instead, I sent everyone on that list a text, explaining my idea and asking if they would like to come to something like this. Some said no, which was surprisingly YAY – so much energy saved on both sides. Most said yes (and of course, the most enthusiastic ones were the chicks I ordinarily would have assumed wouldn’t be into this stuff).

The gathering itself was Hygge in full effect. To me, The Bigs are a roaring fire in the fireplace (fed by a LOT of paper and wood, because I am the worst at starting fires), lit candles strewn around the room, wine in glasses, silver note cards to make affirmations extra illuminating, and cool chicks sitting cross-legged on the carpet. For our first gathering, we talked about meditation and setting intentions (New Moons are like cosmic New Years in that they represent fresh starts and beginning; whereas Full Moons represent turning points, manifestations, and closure). For our second gathering, we harnessed the power of the Super Moon by doing a guided meditation on vision and then learning about +  making vision boards.

Legend holds that there’s a lot of epic power in women gathering together under the new and full moons. Take the way you feel after a really great yoga session or a deep massage and multiply it by a thousand, and that’s how it feels to be in attendance at one of these things. Today I’m working on a field trip to the Salt Caves, a private yoga + oils class, a beach bonfire for the full moon in May…there’s a lot of radicalness in store.

On the night of our first gathering, there was a lots and lots of talk about how so many of us had longed for something like this. When things feel right, you know it. It’s a deep and abiding calm, a instinctual sense that the universe is opening up for you. A coming together…seemingly random pieces (or people) slowly gliding toward each other to form one perfect, gorgeous whole.

(Sort of like a Majestical Wolficorn. It doesn’t seem to make sense at first, but then you see it and cross-breeding a majestic unicorn and a mystical wolf suddenly seems like the most obvious thing in the world.

Well, maybe to me, anyway.

And this guy, who came up with it)

•••

If you’re local to Minneapolis/St. Paul and would like to join our gathering, send me a note via the Very Damn Essential Facebook Page and we’ll get you hooked in with upcoming dates!

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19 Episode 8: Britt Meets Her Fate + Hometown Dates

Photo Credit: ABC

Welcome to the second night of the two episode The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer! extravaganza this week! Hope you got used to not having a life outside of watching three hours of The Bachelor every night!

This must be how it feels to be a fan of The Voice or American Idol.

HAHAHAHAHA, just kidding, I will never know what being a fan of those shows feels like.

Anyway: To catch you up on last night’s episode, we got to see Britt act like a super spoiled brat after not getting the rose on her group date with Carly and Kaitlyn.

 

She had a completely inappropriate and disrespectful conversation with Chris about it in front of Carly and Kaitlyn, both testing Chris on the fact that she didn’t want to be second or third, etc, and when he wondered out loud if this made her feel that she wanted to go home, she called him on what he would say to her if she did decide she wanted to leave. He looked visibly annoyed and left abruptly.

It was uncomfortable, awkward, and totally awesome.

Make the jump into the Iowa drama!

Becca & Chris, Having The Most Boring One-on-One Date Ever, Which For Chris, What Else Is New

So our episode opens on Becca and Chris having a very low-key one-on-one date. As in, they literally are just sitting on a couch and talking.

Becca starts telling him about her previous relationship and that she’s never been in love with anyone. Chris asks how long she was with her previous boyfriend, and then apologizes if they’ve talked about this already:

Forgive me if I get you confused with my other six girlfriends #princessprobz #TheBachelor

— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 17, 2015

Becca explains that she just didn’t see that guy as the father of her kids, blah blah blah.

Chris says he has "learned a lot" about Becca. Like, that she's still there. #TheBachelor

— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) February 17, 2015

Then they go up on the rooftop and watch the sunset and WE FINALLY SEE WHO THE MYSTERY WOMAN IS IN THIS WEIRDLY PHOTOSHOPPED PHOTO!

I’m sure Becca was real happy with them giving her an extra 200 pounds in this photo ^ to mask the fact that it’s her in this one:

Don’t Let the Rose Ceremony Door Hit Your Ass On The Way Out, Brit

THEN, we see all the other girls sitting around in the suite, talking about last night and wondering what Britt will say about last night. Britt tells them that she was actually just thinking about it and just got done packing her stuff. “I think I’m going to leave tomorrow night just before the rose ceremony.”

Jade says that she feels like it’s so crazy that “if if you feel like you guys have a really good connection one rose would change that for you.” Britt tells her that that makes it seem really petty, and Carly’s just over there, her raised eyebrows screaming that it is.

Every season — every season! — there's the girl who is Just Now Realizing that the #Bachelor is Dating Other Ladies.

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

Jade, however, actually says out loud that ultimately that’s what it is.

Britt immediately starts crying and defending herself by telling them that she told Chris that she wants to be his wife she allowed herself to envision a life with him in Iowa, she wanted him to come and meet her family, “and then right after that conversation he hands it to someone else.”

"Uhhhhh, that 'someone else' is sitting RIGHT HERE" – @kaitlynbristowe #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/zdPpnQXND9

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 17, 2015

In her heart, “that does not feel like” the man she wants to introduce to her dad the next week.

Carly tell her that she doesn’t believe her, because she notices that Britt will say something like that and then a few minutes later will say something else to contradict that. “Is there anything that he could say that could change your mind at this point?”

“No,” Britt says, quickly.

The girls test her on this, and Britt mentions that she’s going to talk to Chris tomorrow, and that there’s a realm of possibility that he could say something, and Jade jumps in with “you just told me that there’s nothing he could say,” and Britt makes this weak little defense that in her heart she’s going home tomorrow, she’s packed her stuff, that’s it.

"In my heart, I'm going home right now," says Britt. Carly, playing her as expertly as a champion fisherman, rolls her eyes. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE NOW, BRITT? That’s why all the girls are calling bullshit. If you are determined to leave and there’s nothing Chris could say to make you change your mind, then you would be telling the producers that you’re ready to go, take me to Chris so I can say goodbye, that’s it.

Britt then tells the girls that she feels like they’re being antagonistic toward her and “this is a totally personal decision that I’ve made”, whine whine whine. Then she cries and tells the girls that it’s nothing against them and she really really loves all of them. This is Carly’s reaction to the “I really really love you guys”:

The eyes of Carly! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/HmiNZ5zzRD

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 17, 2015

Then baby-voiced Whitney puts a point on it by telling us that she feels like, from night one, Britt has gotten everything she’s wanted, and in this last week she’s started to realize that there are other people here who are forming relationships with Chris and they may be stronger than the relationship than she has. “And you are beautiful. But looks aren’t everything. And I think she cracked.”

The answer is because she's Britt! She the only one! Always! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/XqF2u2MHcs

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 17, 2015

Britt leaves the suite to go cry out in the hallway, and the girls basically agree that if she goes home, none of them are going to be particularly sad about it.

Whitney is packing for the Rose Ceremony, and tells us that she would really love to introduce Chris to her family, so not getting a rose tonight would be devastating. Jade tells us that she needs to tell Chris about her nude modeling at the cocktail party, because if that’s something that bothers him, then they do need to go their separate ways before Hometowns. Britt tells us that she needs to tell Chris that she just doesn’t think her heart’s in the right place to introduce him to her family. It’s absolutely crucial that she says goodbye before the rose ceremony, that it’s only fair.

The girls, for their part, know that one of the reasons why Britt wants to talk to Chris before the Rose Ceremony is because she knows that she’s probably not going to get a rose tonight, so she wants to eliminate herself out of the game before he eliminates her. Which, I mean…that might be a part of it, but I’m pretty sure that Britt thinks she would get a rose no matter what. I think it’s more that she wants him to beg her to stay and give her that pre-ceremony rose to make up for not giving her one on the date earlier.

But HAHAHAHA, Harrison tells them that there won’t be a cocktail party, that “this week has apparently given Chris some clarity and he knows what he needs to do.”

Carly is THE BEST! She fake-shock says, “oh my gosh!” and stares at Britt, like, “Whaddya gonna do NOW?!”

When the Rose Ceremony begins, the girls are lined up at the Rollins Mansion, Chris comes in, begins to make his speech, and Britt interrupts him, asking if she can talk to him “for like two seconds?”…

For once, just ONCE I'd like a Bachelor to say 'no' when a girl asks to talk to him when it's not a cool time to talk. #TheBachelor

— Emily L. Foley (@EmilyLFoley) February 17, 2015

He says of course, they walk out of the room, and immediately the other girls all start talking about how Britt just couldn’t wait through the rose ceremony and stand the chance she couldn’t get a rose, and that she wants to talk to him because she wants him to beg her to stay.

Britt tells Chris that she knows that she put him on the spot during the group date. Then she asks if he had anything to say to her about what she said, “because I feel like I talked a lot.”

And there it is. There’s Britt’s card, and she’s laying it out: You didn’t say the things you were supposed to say when I confronted you on the group date, so I’m hoping you’ve wised up since then and realized that you could lose me if you don’t tell me what I want to hear. 

Chris calls her out on putting him in a tough position – and Britt does this really weird smug smile thing, like she’s just waiting for him to apologize and give her everything she wants to hear – and then he says that she made him question a few things, and we see her eyes suddenly ice over and she asks, “What do you mean?” Chris tells her that there were a few instances where girls questioned her honesty, particularly her reaction to Arlington. Britt tries to interrupt him and defend herself, selling her story about the sunset once again, only this time Chris isn’t buying it. Britt asks Chris if it was Carly who said those things, and Chris tries to ignore her, so she asks again, and he blurts out, “Does it matter?” FINALLY CHRIS, YOU’VE LEARNED SOMETHING. Britt tells him that it does matter, that Carly has something against her and she doesn’t know why. Chris tells her that the way Carly reacted is something that he wants, and the way Britt reacted, and the way she disrespected him and everyone else around them is something he doesn’t want for a wife. SO GOOD. He stands up and tells her that he’s going to walk her out. They hug, peck each other on the lips, and then he leaves her alone to cry in a driveway.

Getting dumped? Sucks. Getting dumped in Iowa? Reallllly sucks. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/YQDmJRzmFf

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 17, 2015

Everyone can hear her crying from outside, even the girls. Carly takes it a little too far, delighting in Britt’s pain. “I don’t feel bad for Britt at all…now the girl who’s the prettiest girl in the room who’s gotten everything she wants now knows what it’s like to be a normal person. How’s it feel?“

"She now knows what it's like to be a normal person," smirks Carly. Well. Normal person on reality TV gang-dating a dim hottie. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

Which totally reminds me of a straight-to-DVD movie about a nerd girl who becomes insanely jealous of the popular, pretty girl who becomes her step-sister and works to ruin the pretty girl’s entire life. Which I will also write after this season ends and sell for a million dollars to Lifetime.

Britt, of course, is completely confused about why Carly would do mean things to her – “I thought she was my friend!” – and I kind of feel bad for her but not really, because maybe she really is that kind of girl who’s gotten everything she’s ever wanted and just assumes that everyone loves and adores her. Also, this is essentially a competition and you really shouldn’t trust the other girls until the show’s over.

We just witnessed Britt's audition to become the newest E! News correspondent. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 17, 2015

(^ And we totally know that’s going to happen, don’t we)

After finally walking back into the Rose Ceremony, Chris tells the girls that Britt is gone, and thanks them for being honest with him about her. Then he hands out the roses, and guess who didn’t get one.

Poor Carly. Jade cries as she watches her leave, and the girls all say that Carly put on a brave face. But that face broke in the limo as she has a sob fest/pity party for herself. The limo confessions are tough to watch and you want the girl to stop feeling sorry for herself, but watching Carly’s, it struck me that it’s always a moment when a girl says the things that a lot of other girls think to themselves but won’t admit out loud.

The first thing Carly does when she gets back to the mainland is call Chris's mom and tell her to Google Jade. @TheBachelor

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 17, 2015

The Part Where I Fly Through Hometown Dates Like I Never Have Before Because I Find All of Them Super Boring Except For Jades

My #TheBachelor drinking game for tonight: every time a person says "family" I will slam two martinis down my throat

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) February 17, 2015

So Becca’s first up for the hometown date, and when she sees Chris she runs and jumps into his arms, which prompts a bunch of tweets about how the running and jump thing is a huge Bachelor thing and yes, everyone finds it incredibly annoying.

Is it in their contract that they have to jump into the arms of #TheBachelor?

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 17, 2015

Becca’s a little nervous about showing Chris a good time in her hometown, and sounds delighted when Chris mentions that it’s beautiful.

If your town has more than 3 places of business open at the same time, you're going to wow Chris. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 17, 2015

So they go out and do stuff like a canoe ride and hold hands a lot.

Then they go back to Becca’s house, where we meet Becca’s family. In particular, we get to meet Becca’s sister, who reminds me of a sloth:

And she throws Becca under the bus by telling Chris that Becca is pretty much asexual and has an aversion to intimacy and touching and that she’s pretty much going to be the worst bed blanket bingo partner that Chris has ever had.

What is Becca sister's damage? Does she hate her sister? #TheBachelor

— Emily L. Foley (@EmilyLFoley) February 17, 2015

I might be *slightly* exaggerating, but I’m not kidding on the whole aversion to intimacy and touching part. Like, she literally tells Chris that Becca is not “an intimate person.”

"Basically, my sister is a frigid bitch." #TheBachelor #betweenthelines

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 17, 2015

Then she corners Becca about being a virgin and what that might mean for the Fantasy Suite, and makes some weird allusion to a sugar donut being as much excitement as Chris is going to get.

"A sugar doughnut is going to be the excitement of the evening." – It clearly won't be a boston cream. #Bachelor #GrossedMyselfOut

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 17, 2015

Then Becca and Chris go on a ferris wheel and I think Becca may have told Chris that she was falling in love with him, but I don’t really remember because BORING.

Chris goes to Chicago to see Whitney, and she takes him to her fertility clinic.

"I get to see inside Whitney's career and her passion," says Chris, with his dead, dead eyes. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

She pranks him by making him believe that he’s going to get his sperm tested to see how many “soldiers” he has, and when she shows him into the “specimen room” there’s a bunch of Playboys on the table and EVERYONE in AMERICA makes the same joke about Jade being in one of those Playboys.

You guys all know that every single one of you made the "specimen reading material is Jade's Playboy" right? Yawn. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 17, 2015

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA you guys are soooo funny maybe you should write for comedy or a TV show or maybe try to come up with an original joke that no one could see from a hundred miles away.

Then Chris and Whitney go to her house for dinner, and because Whitney doesn’t have any parents, we meet her sister and her uncle and her uncle cries about Whitney finding someone who makes her happy.

@amber_lcarter "So…Uh…it's a pretty incredible evening," he says with his dead voice and vacant eyes.

— sopheava (@sopheava) February 17, 2015

Then Whitney and her sister have the “please be nice to him and don’t embarrass me on national TV” talk, and her sister is all, “I’m not giving him my blessing”. Whitney’s all, “please don’t embarrass me” and her sister’s all “Get back to me after you dump those other girls, Chris” when he asks her for her blessing.

This season's theme for hometowns is: SURPRISE! YOUR FAMILY HATES YOU! #TheBachelor

— BachShitCray (@Bach_ShitCray) February 17, 2015

There was also something about Chris opening Whitney’s wine and the two of them watching a video of Whitney’s deceased father and them crying a lot, but again. Wasn’t really paying attention.

Oh wait, I forgot – Kaitlyn and Chris do a rap in a studio and it is THE WORST:

I mean, seriously? Could you not?

And we meet Kaitlyn’s weird mom and Kaitlyn and her sloshed mom use the word “heart” a lot…as in, “I can see that you heart him.”

"I heart him!" "I can see that you heart him!" LOL OMG. I'm so old. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

WTF. Then Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard that says, “Kaitlyn Hearts Chris.”

On one hand, cool throwback, on the other: way to be a copycat, @kaitlynbristowe! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/AXKYa2CxDY

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 17, 2015

 

It’s really dumb.

THEN IT’S FINALLY JADE’S HOUSE.

Chris shows up in Nebraska, she shows him around town, then brings him home to meet her dad and two brothers. Her one brother looked like a dirtbag in the preview – “Jade’s a wild stallion”, but when Chris talks to him, he simply tells Chris that Jade is a free spirit and adventurous but super sweet, etc. Her dad basically says the same thing, mentioning that guys before couldn’t really “handle” her and her independent personality. Jade and her dad have a heart-to-heart, and I seriously tear up when her dad starts crying about how she deserves a really great guy who will love and accept her for everything she is. We should all have dads like Jade’s dad.

Then Jade and Chris are sitting around, and Jade decides to finally tell Chris that, when she moved to LA, she decided that she really wanted to be free and out there and that everything she would have normally said no to in Nebraska, she was going to say yes to in LA. Chris’ face is CLASSIC – you can totally tell that he’s thinking that she did porn or drugs. She tells him that she was approached by Playboy to pose nude, and she did.

Jade got $$ for her nudes vs. sending just free ones via Snapchat. Which makes her way smarter than you. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 17, 2015

Chris’ face looks visibly relieved…until she asks if he wants to see them.

"Is there video?" Chris pants. Oh, indeed. And Jillian's black bar has found more work! #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

No no no no no. NO. Jade, WHY are you doing this? This is so inappropriate and awkward. I'm literally squirming. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 17, 2015

Chris tells her that if it makes her feel more comfortable, then sure (Chris, WHY?). So she grabs her laptop, sits down next to him, and she pulls up her Playboy video.

(And I gotta say: It’s not her best work. Her pictorial is much prettier). They watch it and Chris looks both uncomfortable yet also incredibly mesmerized, which makes the whole thing uncomfortable for all of us.

My favorite part was when he tells us that she “took her bottoms off”, which is basically the farmer equivalent to saying “pantaloons.”

"It's nice to see Jade come out of her shell. And I saw her. Out of her shell. Completely out of her shell." Hee. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

When the video is over, Chris redeems himself by telling her that he doesn’t judge her for what she did in the past, and that it doesn’t affect the way he thinks about her.

It's not like there's anyone in Arlington to judge her. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 17, 2015

BUT, I gotta say…poor move on Jade’s part. I just feel like…WHY. Just telling him about your nudes was totally enough…he didn’t actually need to see them, and especially not just after he met your family.

Don't think Jade has anything to be ashamed of, but I prob would've waited to show vid until *after* I was intimate w/ Chris. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 17, 2015

But she literally gives a huge sigh of relief that she finally told him and that his reaction was sweet and kind, so…while the rest of us can see doom ahead, in the moment, it’s nice to have an instance where doesn’t act like a total and compete douche.

The Rose Ceremony

Jade gets dumped at the Rose Ceremony.

The End.

Listen to Chris heavy-breathing the sad sighs of regretfulness. "I'm sorry…I think you…an amazing person." #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

"It's been a gift just to have you in my life." And I'll bookmark those pictures for sure. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 17, 2015

(^ see, but it’s funny when we make fun of *Chris* when it comes to the nudes. I don’t know why…that might be entirely sexist of me in a roundabout way, but I don’t care)

Just kidding. It’s actually really sad, and Chris cries as he watches her go. I feel really bad for Jade, because you know she’s assuming that it’s her nudes that sent her home. And the rumor is that Chris was fine with it, but the moment his mom found out about it, she was like, No Way In Hell. Which I don’t know if that’s factual or not, but it doesn’t really matter in the end, I guess. I know that she won’t be picked because, at the end of the day, Bachelor Nation is more wholesome white bread America than anyone really likes to admit, but I really wish Jade would be the next Bachelorette.

#TeamJade all the way. I want her to find a really great guy who is super awesome. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 17, 2015

At the very least, I really hope one of the awesome, good Bachelor alumni guys snatches her.

BUT NOT CHRIS BUKOWSKI.

YOU HEARD ME, CHRIS? YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER! YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!

Anyway, next week Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney go to Bali with Chris for the Fantasy Suite dates, and that means I’ll be making a lot of stuff up in my recap, because while I think Whitney and Becca are sweet and Kaitlyn’s growing on me, now that most of the drama-making girls are gone, BOY IS THIS SHOW GONNA BE BORING FROM NOW ON.

That is, until the Women Tell All…(omgIcan’twaitpleasemakeitthreehourssowegetallthegoodjuicystuff)

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19 Episode 7: AND CARLY WILL RIIIIISE!

Hey everybody! Welcome to the bonus episode of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer, which aired last night because apparently ABC assumes that we 1) Don’t have lives 2) Would possibly want to skip the epic SNL 40th Anniversary Special to see a bunch of chicks go to Iowa.

Haha.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Oh ABC, you dumb, stupid, awful joker.

But, as per usual, they decided to add a little “Chris Tells All” special to run an hour before the episode, where Chris sat down with Kelsey, Chris, and then Andi to get the real hard story on what was really going on in their lives.

I love Chris Harrison, but I was seriously annoyed with this “special”. It was all just a bunch of softball spin. Kelsey did her over-articulation “I just don’t understand why people don’t like me” song-and-dance, which was both entertaining but also annoying. Chris didn’t apologize for selling Kardashley out to Kelsey, nor did he even seem to understand why it was super shitty of him to leave the girls on the group date waiting around for hours while he took Britt to the Big & Rich Show (the fact that this was Chris’ move and not the producers’ suggestion was evident when Harrison pointed out that Chris just took off and left the girls waiting at the bar for hours. We all know Harrison enough to know that he would never suggest or cordoned that bullshit). Chris, of course, just replied by being all, “Uh, this is hard, uhhh, I don’t know, uhhh, this is hard.” SHUT YER DUMB UNMOVING MOUTH CHRIS I HATE YOU.

And then Andi came on to talk about her break up with Josh, and while I really love her and I adore the way Harrison felt genuinely bad for her, it was seriously about 15 straight minutes of listening to her sniffle into her mic. She conceded that her and Josh had been struggling, and that the “red carpet premiere” at the beginning of Chris’ season was one of the breaking points: After they got home, they realized that they had to “really stand back” and ask why it was, really, that they couldn’t seem to set a wedding date. When Harrison asked her if she was still in love with him…it was pretty brutal. She also admitted that things were a little contentious between them right now, which was brave of her to do. There’s been rumors that Andi will be brought back for another season of The Bachelorette, but I highly doubt that will happen. I wouldn’t mind it, but I doubt it.

Then the episode!

It opens with everyone at the cocktail party before the Deadwood Rose Ceremony. All the girls are hoping that, since both Kardashley and Kelsey were sent home, that there won’t be any more eliminations. But Megan takes Chris aside and asks him if he thinks that there’s something still there between them. They both agree that, while they had a connection in the beginning, his connections with some of the other girls have progressed a lot farther. So she decides to go home. In the limo, she tells us that if it were just the two of them, she knows they could have fallen in love, and in thinking about it? I think she’s totally right. They both have those sweet, slightly-dopey personalities that would have fit well together.

So then the girls think that, now that Megan has gone home, for sure there won’t be another elimination! But then Harrison has to be a Debbie Downer (SNL inclusion FTW!) and announce, nope, one of them will still be going home. Chris, however, saves them all from the Tribute Ceremony and tells Harrison – and the girls – that he wants to bring all of them to Iowa.

I have never seen girls be so excited about going to Iowa in all my life. 

So the girls arrive in Des Moines, which is hilarious, because all week I was wondering where the girls would possibly stay in Arlington. Fun Fact: Once Upon a Time I worked at a Bible Camp where we did these things called Day Camps, where a team of counselors traveled to different churches around Iowa and organized their week-long Summer Bible Schools for them. While there, we stayed with host families…sort of like a Student Exchange Program, only not exotic and not fun. One of those towns was Arlington, which fifteen years ago was still pretty small but not as dead.

So yeah. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I stayed in the same town as Chris for a week once so that makes us super close friends.

ANYWAY! Jade gets the first one-on-one date, and it’s a date in Chris’ hometown. Britt immediately starts crying about it because she thought she was going to get the one-on-one and also because she’s just really jealous that Jade gets to see Chris’ hometown and have that kind of “information” that they’re all wanting when it comes to having a future with Chris. Even though I liked her a lot before, I’m now getting way annoyed with her. Somewhere along the way Britt got the impression that the show was really just about her and Chris and the other girls were really just along for support scenery. It’s no secret that Carly doesn’t like Britt, and now I’m starting to see why.

Arlington, Iowa…Where The Streets Are Safe Because No One Lives There Anymore

Jade meets Chris at his home outside of Arlington, and I gotta say that a lot of people in my Twitter feed were surprised by how not-millionaire-esque his home was. However, having lived in Iowa and known a few farmer millionaires, I can attest that, often, a lot of that money is in the land rather than a huge house (though it bears saying that, after we see what Arlington looks like? You’d think that Chris would make his home a little bit more of a one-stop shop worth sticking around for. Like, maybe get a home theater room in there or something, Chris, so your future wife won’t freak out so much over the fact that you have to drive an hour just to see a movie). Jade and Chris walk around his farm, Chris talks about how land gives him a major boner, and then they ride Chris’ motorcycle into the SMALLEST, BLEAKEST, MOST BORINGEST TOWN IN AMERICA.

I have to say this: I spent the earliest years of my life in a town call Halstead. Both my parents grew up in tiny towns called Ada and Twin Valley. I once lived for two years in a town called Bruce, Population You Don’t Want To Know. Therefore, I am no stranger to the rich community life that a small town often hides behind the facade of its barren-looking Main Street. Also, if you’ve watched Gilmore Girls than you obviously know that towns like Stars Hollow are totally dope.

However. Arlington? Definitely not Stars Hollow. It’s a freaking ghost town. It is a sign that you are in the wrong place when even the town bar has closed its doors (people are much more likely to spend money at the local bar than they are at the local market…plus, what else are you going to do in a town like that but drink?). Jade catches onto the fact that Chris is a little insecure and nervous about the town when he gives Jade the one-block tour…which, I mean. That shit would be hard, to have a huge farm and your family in a town that you know most girls would be all “NOPE” when you proposed that they move there. But then they go to a high school football game – smooth move, Chris…small town football games are actually super great date ideas – and Jade gets to see the tight-knit community, and that’s the draw to a town like that. Plus, show her the surrounding towns that do have bars and restaurants (because in farming communities, usually there’s about two or three nearby towns that comprise of the whole community. Hi, Ellsworth and Goodhue!) and yer golden.

So Jade gets to meet Chris’ mom and dad (“Britt is SO GONNA CRY about this when she finds out!” I yell to my roommate), and then they wandere the halls of Chris’ old high school and start talking about how they used to be rebels (please. Did you skip so many days of school during your senior year that you wouldn’t have graduated if you would have skipped one more class? Okay, then. Shed), and Jade almost tells Chris about her Playboy days, but caves and decides to wait. Which, might not be the worst decision she’s ever made (geddit?). Here’s the thing about that, though: You will not see any Playboy shaming on this blog when it comes to Jade. First of all, fuck Reality Steve and everyone else on Twitter who think it’s hilarious to call her Stripper Jade or allude to the fact that she might be a slut, etc. It’s her fucking body, and she can do whatever she wants with it, and I’m not cool with the slut-shaming. Plus, we all make decisions in our early twenties that we regret…it just so happens that hers is a little more public than the rest of ours, which should make us thank our lucky stars instead of joining in the gleeful hateration. Also: SHE IS THE SWEETEST, NICEST GIRL ON THIS SHOW SO FUCK YOU GUYS FOR BEING MEAN TO HER.

Anodda One-On-One Date I Didn’t Really Care About But Apparently Chris & Whitney Had a Great Time, etc. 

Chris and Whitney go to the Des Moines Social Club, where Chris tells us – rightly – that Des Moines has a lot of really great art, and so they’re going to take part in an exhibit where people document their love for someone else. So they take a bunch of photos of themselves kissing around Des Moines. Yawn.

Meanwhile, Jade tells the girls about her date in Arlington and, as guessed, Britt starts crying. Carly suggests taking a road trip to Arlington since they have the whole day to just hang out. Britt tries to pull the “I don’t know if I’d feel right about that” card, which makes Carly rolls her eyes, hard. Finally Britt agrees to go and they pile into an SUV to drive the two and half hours to Arlington.

The look on their faces when they get to the town and realize that “this is all there is” is priceless, Britt’s especially. Everywhere they try to go is closed or locked. Finally they find the town pastor – wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt, FTR – and the church treasurer hanging out on his lawn, and they ask him questions about where the best place to eat is and what people do here for fun, and he just kind of laughs at them.

Then we watch Whitney and Chris go to dinner somewhere where ten people have decided to show up and cheer for them as they walk in, and Chris’ three best friends show up for drinks. Apparently this goes great, Whitney tells Chris she’s falling for him, he takes her outside and there’s a (fake, pasted-on) mural of their photo on the side of the bar building, which makes Whitney cries with specialness.

The End.

The Group Date Where Britt Doesn’t Get a Rose & Loses Her Goddamn Mind

The group date card arrives and it’s Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn, which kind of sucks because Kaitlyn hasn’t had a one-on-one with Chris for a while (I actually am starting to like her now, because people change and we have to allow for growth and I can change my mind whenever I fucking want). Before the date, Carly does this hilarious hand-puppet thing:

Which isn’t even the best part…the best part was when Carly told Hand-Britt that she was going down, and Hand-Britt replied with “And Carly will riiiiiiiise!” The Best.

They meet Chris at a hockey rink, where they skate and play hockey. Britt asks for time with Chris, so they go and walk out onto a bridge (like, what is it with those two taking two hours to go somewhere else? So rude). Carly tells us that, at one point during their Arlington Adventure, Britt had told Carly and Kaitlyn that there was no way she could ever live in Arlington. But earlier that morning, when they were talking to Jade and Whitney about it, Britt said something about a beautiful sunset over the cornfields and how it just made her feel really at peace. BULLSHIT. So, as Carly predicts, Britt gives this same spiel to Chris, and they make out a bunch.

But Carly’s issue with this is that she has a feeling that Britt is gonna lie to Chris about being able to live in Arlington, and then he’s going to pick her and she’s going to leave him within a week because she hates living there so much. Which, I mean…the girl has a point. So she tells Chris this, and while it comes from a good place…I still cringe whenever a girl uses her one-on-one time to talk about another girl. It rarely ever works out to their benefit.

Later that night, at this cool coffeehouse in Des Moines, the girls and Chris do their night date thing. Chris and Britt have their one-on-one time where Britt tries to sing him the song about wanting to be mom no matter where she is and what they would do if he came to her hometown (sidenote: She talked about how her family often has dinner together in the living room with paper plates and they go get seconds and eat off each other’s plates, etc, and for some reason, this bugged the shit off of me. People who are totally cool with eating off other people’s plates are, like, my least favorite people ever. Probably because this one time when I was young I was in a nice restaurant with my family and my dad had gotten dessert and this lady at a neighboring table asked if she could have a bite of my dad’s dessert and then proceeded to take two bites which was the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing ever, not only because gross but also, hey lady, get your own food, my dad has to pay for that, you know and after that I just kind of skeeve whenever people try to bring their forks anywhere near my plate. MY FOOD. NOT YOUR FOOD. MINE!) and then they made out a lot again.

Kaitlyn and Chris have their time, and Kaitlyn mentions that she’s just a little frustrated that she’s not getting enough time with him. To make up for it, Chris gives her the rose, which…was the right thing to do, but goddamn it, is Carly ever going to get a break? Britt, for her part, literally has a tantrum…not even kidding.

She gets mad when Chris comes and grabs the rose, and then when Chris and Kaitlyn walk back in, she literally sits there and tells Chris that she’s upset that she opened up to Chris and was vulnerable with him about her family and that she doesn’t want to marry someone who sees her as second, third, or fourth. Chris says something about not wanting to make anyone want to leave, and she says, “What would you say right now if I said I wanted to?” Oh man, THE LOOK ON CHRIS’ FACE. Carly and Kaitlyn just shoot each other a look over their wine glasses, and Chris basically tells Britt that he doesn’t understand what kind of position she’s trying to put him in. Chris takes off, and Britt tries to tell the girls that she’s sorry, that it had nothing to do with Kaitlyn, but that she’s just trying to process how she feels about Kaitlyn getting the rose instead of her as they’re going into Hometown Dates.

This is amazing, because it totally illustrates what I mentioned earlier: At some point in time, Britt became convinced that Chris was her boyfriend and that she deserved to get the rose on every single date she went on with him. As Carly pointed out to her, she just got a rose last week (and when other girls might have deserved it more, I might add). And Britt says – this is the best – that she’s not worried about getting a rose, but not getting a rose on this date makes her question whether or not she wants to introduce Chris to her family. This is my absolute favorite because now Britt now falls into the category of the girls who think that, if they turn the tables and make it look like The Bachelor should be pursuing them and winning them over, that it will get them what they want. Nope. It’s a smart move in the beginning when you’re trying to stand out, but if you’re intent on making things difficult for the Bachelor toward the end, you’re doomed. He’s got a handful of other girls there who are only too eager to make things as easy as possible for him and are absolutely delighted with every nugget of attention he gives to them, so who do you think he’s gonna want to keep around? Also, what a total brat move to vocalize all of this in front of the other two girls. CHRIS IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, BRITT. You don’t get a say about who he gives the rose to. 

The episode ends with Carly and Kaitlyn telling the other girls that Britt totally screwed herself, and that she’s for sure going home.

Oh, and at some point Jade told Carly about the Playboy thing, which gave us this Vine, which I will post here because, yeah…that’d be kind of a tough one, especially for a family boy like Chris:

See you guys again tomorrow!

‘The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 6: Save a Horse, Ride (Punch? Shoot? Sell him for glue?) a Farm Boy

I wish an HR professional was the next Bachelor/Bachelorette.

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 10, 2015

Welcome to Episode 6 of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer! This episode was a banner one, my friends…we thought last week was crazy.

We knew nothing.

Also, I’m kind of tempted to just let all the amazing tweets from my Bachelor Feed do my recap for me, because HOLY SMOKIES YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.

More insanity after the jump!

So our episode begins where the last one ended: With Kelsey lying on the floor, having a “panic attack.” If you’ll remember, Kelsey decided to “panic” after she found out that Chris had canceled the cocktail party.

Seriously saving all these episodes for when my fiancé calls me crazy. #TheBachelor

— Kelly Travis (@kellytravisty) February 10, 2015

How great would it be if they unblurred the medic's face and it was TIERRA who then starts screaming "NO ONE CAN STEAL MY SPARKLE!"

— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) February 10, 2015

This pretty much sums up all the girls’ reaction to Kelsey’s “panic attack”, as well as all of America’s:

And the winner of Best Reaction Shot During Kelsey's Panic Attack is… pic.twitter.com/88aElfscET

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) February 10, 2015

To add insult to (faked injury), Kelsey then asks for someone to get Chris, then jokes with the medic about how she’s “going to get a rose tonight for sure!” [insert diabolical laugh here]

So Chris comes in, Kelsey does the thing where she’s like, “I’m fine, I just knew that this was the perfect way to get your attention and make you feel sorry for me again”, and then Kelsey wraps a fur stole around her shoulders and whisks back into the room where the girls are waiting. She tries to explain that the emotions were just “too much for her” and that she collapsed.

On the plus side, Kelsey would make an amazing Real World house member. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 10, 2015

Because this recap is so late, I also have the luxury of linking to this bonus deleted scene, in which the girls express the reasons why they think Kelsey is full of some deep, deep shit.

Kardashley is crying and freaking out again, which is normal. This time it’s about not being able to get some time with Chris before the Rose Ceremony.

OK it had to be done. #TheBachelor #watchwithUs. pic.twitter.com/rJ9xuR5vRb

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) February 10, 2015

I can totally see Ashley living on a farm in Iowa. #TheBachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) February 10, 2015

Mackenzie also starts to freak out, citing that she and Chris seemed to have a connection in the beginning, but now she’s worried that they’ve lost it. And if she goes home, she tells us, it would be something that she might never get over.

Being on #TheBachelor is harder for MacKenzie than being a single mom. Pretty sure she's not doing the mom thing right then.

— Emily L. Foley (@EmilyLFoley) February 10, 2015

Mackenzie and Samantha are eliminated. Some of the girls are upset that Kelsey’s manipulative ploy(s) worked and that Chris was fooled into keeping her. “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shitty human being,” Kaitlyn tells us, which is probably the only thing she’s said this entire season that I’ve actually liked. Jade also calls it by telling us that “Samantha has had terrible things that have happened to her that have shaped her, too, but she didn’t use them to level up.”

Damn right.

The South Dakota Badlands Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love…?

For the next leg of our “journey” everyone travels to South Dakota! Because South Dakota…is…really…magical? And romantic?

Everything > this seasons travel budget.

#TheBachelor

— Holly Julian (@HollyDurst) February 10, 2015

To put a cap on it, it also looks like the girls are staying in a Best Western. Boy, those travel budgets sure have changed since Emily and Ben’s season, huh? You would think that the Cinderella promo by Disney would’ve allowed the show to go to, I don’t know…ANYWHERE BUT SOUTH DAKOTA?

America, watch out. #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/OCvzqkHOv5

— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) February 10, 2015

Kelsey and Britt hang out on the patio of their Best Western hotel suite and talk about who they think is going to get the one-on-one date. Kelsey tells Britt that she thinks she’s going to get it. “I’ve worked so hard!”

Really?

Kelsey and Britt converse. Kelsey wants that one-on-one. "I've worked so hard." She's playing hard. Truth. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 10, 2015

But HAHAHAHA, Becca gets it instead. Kelsey’s Resting Bitch Face is THE BEST. “I’m not happy”, she tells us. TOUGH SHIT, PSYCHO!

Chris is waiting for Becca to show up for his date, and mentions that she’s the only one that he hasn’t kissed yet.

If I was #TheBachelor I would kiss everyone. Everyone. Hotel staff. Drivers. Helicopter pilots. Literally everyone I saw

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) February 10, 2015

If you’ll remember, he tried to kiss her once during their alone time on a group date, but she stopped him and told him that she wanted it to be special.

Also, because SHE’S ALSO A VIRGIN.

Let’s do a countdown:

2 virgins (Kardashley & Becca)

1 girl with some serious psychological issues (Ashley S)

1 girl with a drinking problem (Jordan)

1 girl who doesn’t shower (Britt)

1 girl who is just straight up psycho and probably killed her husband (Kelsey)

= The Most Entertaining Season Ever

Becca and Chris go horseback riding on the trails, because this is South Dakota and there is literally nothing else to do. I feel like both of them are nice but also really boring, so I pay literally no attention to this date.

Back at the Best Western, the girls decide to talk to Kelsey about the fact that she’s a psycho. Whitney ends up being the one who actually confronts her, which is surprising. They talk to her about the suspicious nature of her going to see Chris alone, then having a panic attack and asking Chris to come and see her, then joking about getting a rose and laughing about the whole thing. Kelsey sort of laughs and then tries to play it off as nervous laughter. Then she turns on the water works and the soft patronizing voice. Carly, however, isn’t having it and won’t let her off the hook that easily.  “I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life,” Kelsey defends, then whispers: “It was terrifying.”

 

The thing is, if you watch the footage over, Kelsey is cognizant of the fact that she’s “having a panic attack.” And maybe I’m wrong, but based on my experience and the experience of my friends, when you have a panic attack? You are so whacked out and taken so totally off guard with what’s happening to your mind and body at that moment that you really have no idea what the shit is happening until it’s over. So I’m calling bullshit on that one.

Then, Kelsey pounds the own nails into her coffin by telling us that when it comes to why the girls are attacking her, she’s “get it” -

#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/OHcgXZ2A9V

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 10, 2015

And also, she didn’t go through “all this” to be defeated and be ganged up on by the girls.

Yeah, I guess I probably wouldn’t predict that when I was taking delight in my husband dying and exploiting it to both get on and get further on in a reality TV show that it would all turn against me, too.

The Group Date Where Chris Is a Big & Rich Douchebag

#TheBachelor

— Nick Peterson (@NickPetersonTV) February 10, 2015

Finally, Kardashley runs away, grabs Chris, and asks him why she told Kelsey what she said. YEAH CHRIS, WHY DID YOU, YA DUMMY? Chris mumbles something about wanting to give Kelsey a chance to defend herself, and Kardashley cries, and then Chris dumps her.

He tries to tell her that he doesn’t think she’d be happy in Iowa – which, I mean, fair point – but she does give the best comeback ever and asks him if he really thinks Britt would be happy in Iowa.

"Like we both wear lipstick THIS ISN'T FAIR I LOVE IDAHO OR IOWA OR WHATEVER UGH CHRIS UGHHHH." #princessprobz #TheBachelor

— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 10, 2015

As nuts as she's acting, Ashley might have a point with that whole Britt comment. #TheBachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) February 10, 2015

Then she sort of cry-stumbles away, then turns around and comes back, weirdly asking, “Like, what are we even doing?”

THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CHASE AFTER ME! DUH! #TheBachelor

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 10, 2015

And it’s all wonderful and crazy and awful and you kind of have to wonder how the hell she even made it this long.

Kardashley wanders off crying somewhere, presumably to destined to wander the Badlands forevermore.

The Badlands thirsts for your tears, Kardashley. The Badlands delights in all your delicious, salty, mascara-soaked tears. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 10, 2015

We see a producer go into the girls suite, and they all watch as she rolls Ashley’s suitcase away. Instead of being happy, they’re all kind of stunned and frightened that it means that Kelsey got the rose.

Chris then joins Kelsey on the Bed of The Badlands and tells her about Ashley leaving. She puts on her fake concerned wifey expression, strokes his face, and coos, “It’s a loss.”

Translation: BYE FELCIA.

AND THEN HE DUMPS HER TOO! Oh my god, it is so, so good. She cries, and does her whole patronizing “I’m strong and admirable” schtick and tells him, “It’s okay if it’s not me. It’s okay.” and she smiles through her sweet, sweet, salty, crazy-psycho tears.

Chris then walks toward the waiting chopper, leaving both girls to wander the Badlands alone.

"I want the absolute best for you" – guy that just boarded a helicopter, leaving two women alone and unarmed in the Badlands #TheBachelor

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) February 10, 2015

#TheBachelor walks to the chopper, leaving the girls to wander the Badlands and soak it w/ their tears for eternity. #JustLikeInTheBible.

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) February 10, 2015

The producer once again enters the girls’ suite again, grabs Kelsey’s suitcase, and rolls it out. AND ALL THE GIRLS’ MINDS FREAKING EXPLODE.

Back in the Badlands, Kelsey reminds us that her story is “amazing. It’s tragic, and it’s inspiring, and it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed.”

The girls do a champagne pour -

 

And Kaitlyn toasts everyone with a, “I am immeasurably blessed.”

HAHAHAHAHA!

If there were awards to be given out for Best Bachelor Moments, that would be in my Top 5 nominations.

But Kelsey’s not done yet! “I have no regrets because I did what I came to do, which is challenge myself in the adventure of love.” And also at least my husband’s still dead so I can profit off of that and exploit his tragic passing for my personal gain, so yeah. I’m gonna be fine. 

The chopper flies off with the girls just walking around in the badlands.

I'd give anything for them to stumble across a Meth lab right now. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 10, 2015

Next week! It’s a double-feature on Sunday and Monday as everyone goes to Chris’ hometown of Iowa!

IOWA?? This season has the worst fucking destinations ever! #TheBachelor

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) February 10, 2015

Britt cries a lot! Jade talks about doing Playboy! There’s a Ferris Wheel!

Snore.

See you guys next week!

 

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 5: Tears For Fears

Welcome to Episode 5 of The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer! This recap is going to be brief, since it’s already a week + a day old, and compared to this week’s episode, this one is not even that crazy.

And with the above Vine pretty much defining the entire episode 5, that’s saying something.

LET’S GET TO IT, BACHELOR BABES!

For this week’s dates, Harrison announces to the girls that they’re all going to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Megan, in typical airhead fashion, tells us that she’s really excited. “I’ve never been to Sante Fe, but I’ve heard it’s beautiful, it’s like a beach…resort…place.”

I’m seriously not even making this stuff up.

“I think that New Mexico is definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to,” she continues. “You know, the hats, the sombreros that they wear in Mexico? I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. It’s definitely exciting to go on a new adventure and fall in love with Chris. I’m so excited, I’ve never been out of the country! It’s awesome.”

HAHAHAHA. Oh, you stupid, adorable, dumb, dummy-dummy dum, Megan. If I cared more about the vaccination debate, I would nominate you for the anti-vaxxer poster child and offer you as proof for why maybe not everyone should survive the natural selection that is being thwarted by vaccinations.

But anyway!

The One-on-One Date That Both Gives The Heebie-Jeebies & Then Takes Them Away 

After arriving in Santa Fe and oohing and aaahing over their hotel suite (which, granted, does look fairly New Mexico gorg), the girls learn that there’s a one-on-one card. Both Kelsey and Kardashley want it REALLY bad.

Which usually means that neither of them will get it.

Instead, it’s Carly! Pretty, sweet, cruise-ship singer Carly. “I was not thinking this was going to happen at all,” she says, happily. “I knoooooow,” all the other girls say, in that “Yeah, we didn’t think you would get it EITHER! This is a shock to ALL of us!” sweet Girl-Catty way.

Carly meets Chris at some house in the desert, and they walk to the back to find an Eve Ensler look-a-like meditating on the back patio. She tells them that she’s a love guru, and that their time there together is going to bond them closer together and release their fears of intimacy, and “just bring more juiciness into the relationship.” UGH. I HATE when people use “juicy” in that kind of context. Also, using “juicy” in any love or relationship context just makes me think of really gross, slobbery sex. Okay?

The love guru has Carly and Chris meditate with their backs against each other. Chris is having a really hard time breathing – like he’s literally hyperventilating – which I want to make fun of, but I actually had that same exact problem when I started learning how to mediate, too, so I’m just going to let that go.

Then the guru has Carly blindfold Chris and sit on top of him, doing really weird stuff where she has to touch him like it’s the first time she’s ever touched a body. Then she has to give him food and incite his sense of “taste”. Then HE has to wrap his hands around her legs and pull her against his hips.

"Okay, now fuck in front of me" – sex guru #thebachelor

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) February 3, 2015

THEN, the love guru instructs them that they are going to disrobe in front of each other – no, actually, they are going to disrobe each other – and thus remove all the barriers that they have placed against complete intimacy.

You all just fucking know that the producers are standing in the background while the love guru tells them this, faces filled with glee at the situation that they’ve created for both the couple and for the entire TV audience of America.

Carly softly admits that it’s been a while since she’s been naked in front of another man, and even though we can all tell that she wants more than anything to just be all, “Yeah, I’M OUT”, she decides to go along with it.

Carly takes Chris’ shirt off, then he takes her shirt off. I am so physically uncomfortable watching this that I can’t even stand it. Then they’re instructed to ask themselves what is that next piece that they’re ready to let go of. Chris pipes up that he hoped that this would help them get to “the next step” in their relationship, but that this is really uncomfortable and awkward. Carly places her hands on his pants and begins to slowly take them off, but then whispers to him that she’s really uncomfortable.

"I'm really uncomfortable with this," -Carly. Also, all of America. #TheBachelor

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 3, 2015

Fortunately, Chris breathes out a sigh of relief and tells her that he is, too.  The guru asks them to talk about the feelings around that, and Chris tells her that this is their first date, and that there are just some things worth waiting for. So the guru asks them to talk about it instead” “Talk about one mask you’re okay with taking off, that maybe has been holding you back in past relationships.” Which, I gotta admit, is a solid question. Chris says that he thinks his mask is of letting himself just truly fall in love, and letting himself commit to that for the rest of his life. Carly says that hers is the fear that she’s not worthy of love. And honestly, it does feel really intimate to hear them tell those things to each other. They hug, and it’s actually a really sweet moment. But then the guru ruins it by making Carly sit on Chris’ lap and telling them that they can only breathe, they can’t kiss, and they have to explore each other with their hands. “Position yourself where your lips can be about an inch apart, and so when you’re breathing out you’re also breathing him in.” And again, it is super freaking uncomfortable, you guys. Not just because these are weird methods, but because Eve Ensler’s doppelgänger is just sitting there, watching them do this the whole time. Gross. They are told to pull apart, and then to thank each other, and Carly goes in for the kiss. “As crazy as this date has been,” Chris tells us, “I feel more of a romantic connection with Carly than I ever have.”

Meanwhile, back at the Santa Fe Sister Wives House, Kelsey talks to some of the girls about how she had a husband who supported her in everything, and that “everything we needed that was humanly possible in this life, we gave to each other.” “I’ve been a widow for about a year and half now,” she tells them, “but I was once someone’s very very important person.”

And YET – she can’t even remember the actual name of what he died from. “It’s called heart…uh, what is it called…it’s called congestive heart failure?” UH, CONGENITAL HEART FAILURE, I THINK YOU MEAN? I mean, it’s not usually in me to judge someone who has lost a significant other, but from my own personal experience I can tell you that, when that happens to you, you fucking remember the specifics.

Oh, and then she ends the story by saying, nonchalantly, “And darlin, that is life.”

Um.

If she killed her husband…imagine what she's going to do to the guy that's dating her and 14 other chicks. #TheBachelor #princessprobz

— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 3, 2015

The Group Date Card arrives, and Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Kardashley, and Kelsey’s names are on it. Kelsey’s look when her name is called is amazing. “I want a one-on-one with him,” she tells us, “but it’s not happening because he has a myriad of other women throwing themselves at him. That doesn’t make me feel special. It’s unacceptable.”

Yeah. It actually is acceptable, because that’s the how the entire show works, Kels.

Back at the date, Cary and Chris arrive at some house that has been set up with a romantic dinner and roaring fire. Carly’s Southwestern outfit, I should mention, is also totally on point, but her propensity to say “like” a lot? Not so much. Carly tells Chris that she hasn’t been intimate for a year and a half, and she dated her last boyfriend for two years but he wouldn’t not her. “He never wanted to be physical with me, ever. It really missed with my head. It made my feel not beautiful and not desired and not a woman. So after that, it’s been hard for me to see myself that way,” she tells him. And my heart is pretty much breaking for her, because that stuff is just the worst when you’re in a relationship. Chris, for his part, tries to make her feel better with his famed eloquence:

"You're cool and smart…great sense of humor," Chris mumbles. She kind of looks like his sisters. I'm concerned. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 3, 2015

Which, I mean…sister has a point.

Chris gives her the rose, they kiss, Carly cries in her interview, and even though I know that Chris won’t pick her in the end, I really dig this girl.

Man, These Group Dates Just Are NOT Getting Better This Season. 

For their group date, the girls and Chris are going white water rafting. Megan. for her part, is concerned that the Rio Grande could be filled with alligators and dead bodies.

I mean. It’s a valid concern.

BTW, the white-water rafting guide is the WORST! He basically tells them to not worry, but if you fall in, you’re probably gonna drown. DON’T WORRY, YOU GUYS, YOU’RE JUST GONNA GET WHITE WATER RAFTED KILT ON THIS AWFUL GROUP DATE. So of course, one of them falls in, and it happens to be Jade. Chris grabs her and pulls her back in, and it’s pretty much a scene out of the Harlequin Romance novel that I’m writing – the strong silent (cause he’s stupid) farmer expertly plucks the raven-haired, soft-spoken beauty from the dangerous churning rapids, his solid muscles rippling in the sunlight as he lifts the lithe lass back into the boat…saving both her life and winning her heart!

I’m really glad I can use these recaps as a place to work on my drafts, you guys.

Apparently, Jade has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia when it’s not supposed to, which, if you’ve read any historical romances, is pretty much the opposite of consumption, where your body continually tries to heat up to a temperature that it cannot regulate (I think that’s what it means? That’s what they told us in the ridiculous yet hey-those-are-good-actors movie, A Winter’s Tale, anyway). So at the post-rafting picnic, Chris rubs her numb feet, trying to warm her up. “I wish I had that condition,” Mackenzie tells us. “I need Chris to warm my hands and feet up. And my butt. It’s actually freezing.” HAHAHA. Mackenzie, I kind of love you. Kelsey, on the other hand, says, “I should have just dove into the water. Oh, Oh me oh my, I’m cold, I need someone to warm my feet.”

Like, who the fuck says “oh me oh my” anymore? You guys, do you kind of wonder if Kelsey is some kind of wicked schoolmarm who’s traveled across time? Like, what if she’s a black widow but also an evil headmistress whose deeds were so evil that she was conscripted by the devil to come in to our time and harken the end of days? And her husband started to suspect something, so then, “on a beautiful sunny day”, she did some kind of evil spell thing and made his heart explode while he was walking to work? “Oh me oh my,” she probably said, afterward, as she navigated her web browser to The Bachelor application site. “Looks like I’m suddenly single with a story to tell…”

For the evening date, the girls show up to the hotel, rocking their jade turquoise jewelry and Southwestern outfits. Chris arrives after they do, and walks into the lobby to find Jordan waiting for him. Jordan, if you might remember, was one of the blond girls who got super, uber drunk during the first couple weeks of the show. She tells Chris that she drove there from Colorado to make her case about how she feels like she didn’t take the opportunity presented to her seriously. Chris agrees, and mentions her drinking, but that he’s not going to judge her for it. She tells him that sometimes it gets the best of her, sometimes, but that she would like a second chance.

Chris walks into the group date with Jordan. The girls act stunned but also weirdly pleasantly surprised. Everyone, that is, except for Kardashley: Not only was Jordan eliminated, she tells us, but she was also her least favorite person. Whitney, for her part, loves Jordan and wants to catch up with her, but just not in this environment. Chris tells them that they can be honest about how they feel about this.

I don’t think he knew what he was asking for.

ALL the girls take their time with Chris to talk about Jordan, which is a HUGE no-no, but it was also strangely effective. When the girls are together, the reactions to Jordan herself are mixed – they’re all being polite, except for Kardashley. “I don’t understand why the other girls are welcoming to her,” Kardashley says. Um, because they’re POLITE. “We shouldn’t be nice to her right now,” Kardashley points out to the groups, and Whitney disagrees, pointing out that you also don’t have to be mean.

At the end of the night, Chris tells Jordan that he can’t keep her. She mentions that the point was to not have regret, says goodbye to the girls. Kelsey hugs her and whispers, “I’ll always admire you.”

"I'll always admire you" = "Bye cunt" #TheBachelor

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) February 3, 2015

Jordan handles the goodbye really well, but in her interview she cries that she wanted an answer, but that the one she got wasn’t what she was hoping for. “So…yeah, it’s going to be a long drive tomorrow.”

So Jordan leaves, and it’s time to hand out the rose.

"There is…a rose…on this date. It's very special…as are all of them." Truly, words are not Chris's friends. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 3, 2015

Whitney gets the rose. Kardashley is PISSED.

Ashley: non-resting bitch face. #TheBachelor #princessprobz

— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 3, 2015

She didn’t see Whitney as a threat. “Whitney, who I literally looked at on the boat today and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about THAT.”

"I don't really have to worry about THAT," says Ashley, referring to a human being. #bachelor

— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) February 3, 2015

Kardashley cries the whole way back to the hotel room. “I just don’t think she deserves it. I think that’s really messed up.” OH MY GOD, GIRL, GROW THE FUCK UP.

A Hot Balloon Ride Made of Tears

The night before Britt’s one-on-one date with Chris, she’s hanging out with Carly and they’re talking about her date. “What are you going to do to get ready for your date?” Carly asks. “You might have to actually take a shower.” UH, apparently Britt hasn’t showered in weeks. WTF. I mean, sometimes when I’m working on finishing a book and things are kind of busy and crazy, I don’t shower for a couple days, but weeks? The date card comes, and it says, “The Sky’s The Limit.” Brit literally starts crying. She’s terrified of heights, so of course the producers planned an entire date around that fear. CLASSIC BACHELOR, EVERYBODY! “It hurts my body, like I’m so scared of it. My body shuts down, I freak out. It’s very embarrassing,” Britt tells Carly, as she tears up over the fear.

You have to jump off the cliff, it's the literal interpretation of your journey. Amazing. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 3, 2015

Also, this above tweet pretty much sums up the entire history of the Bachelor franchise. (And also, if you’re not following @JillBidenVeep for your Bachelor tweets, you’re not living life right.)

It’s the next morning, and Chris sneaks into Britt’s hotel room that she’s sharing with Carly and Jade to wake her up. Carly wakes up as he walks in, and he shushes her to be quiet. He sneaks over to Britt – where, of course, she’s reclined upon her pillow in a full face of makeup, I FUCKING CALLED IT, YOU GUYS, IN LAST WEEK’S RECAP – and Carly tells us that Britt sleeps in all her makeup, she actually puts on makeup before she goes to bed, just in case. Chris tells us that Britt looks “just as beautiful…first thing in the morning…as she does when she’s all dolled up for a rose ceremony.” Oh, Chris. Ya big dummy dum dum dummy…THAT’S BECAUSE SHE’S WEARING THE EXACT SAME MAKEUP THEN AND NOW.

Although I do have to point out that her nails were totally on point.

Carly, however, is no amused. “It’s 4:30 and Chris is here, and he wants me to be quiet, and I have to be quiet so I don’t ruin this moment for you guys. Wow, I wish I wasn’t here.” Which, you know? She has a point. “And then I hear their kissing, and I’m like, are you fucking kidding me? That’s not a cool way to wake up.”

See, and this is the thing I want to point out when it comes to Chris – he seems sweet and like a family guy, blah blah blah, and maybe Britt is just his blind spot, but like….he’s not a nice or particularly polite guy, when it comes to sparing their feelings in his interest of another girl. And yes, knowing that other girls’ feelings are going to get hurt when he’s spending time or on a date with another girl is how the show works, but you can bet your last $20 that Sean would never have started making out with another girl while two other girls were in the same room. It just wouldn’t have happened.

So Britt gets up and quickly gets dressed and meets Chris in the hotel lobby, and there’s just a few shades of how much fun that would be – to get woken up by surprise by the guy you’re dating and then whisked off on a date with him in the early morning hours – but I couldn’t help thinking that I would be all, “YO, can we at least stop at Starbucks first?” Like, all potential suitors out there that might be reading my reality TV recaps, don’t wake me up from a sound sleep before 8 unless you already have a coffee ready for me in your hand, mmmkay? Because that’s freaking romance.

So Britt is still really “nervous” about what kind of height-induced activity they’re doing on their date, but when they pull up to a hot air balloon she practically has an orgasm. She does a lot of jumping up and down, which you instinctively know is something she does a lot because she’s fully aware of how adorable it makes her look. They get in, the sun starts to rise, and I have to admit that this is a totally legit, awesome date. Until one of them says, “We’re holding each other, and all of a sudden we’re soaring.”

Puke.

Meanwhile, the girls are talkin’ smack about Britt and why she doesn’t shower (which, I mean, is something that all of us would like to know). Kardashley plays out the “I’m not in any rush to get married and have kids” thing that Britt apparently said the night before.

The other ladies cat it up. Britt "loves being single!" "She's not in any rush to get married or have kids!" SHE IS THE WORST. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 3, 2015

Britt and Chris walk into his hotel room after their balloon ride. Britt asks Chris how many kids he might want, and he says as many as possible. She does the whole “OMG ME TOO” thing, and they kiss. “At a scale of 1 to manipulative, Britt is at…wait, what is number that is beyond manipulative?” Carly asks. “I just need her to go home.” Carly feels really raw about being shhh’ed in the morning by Chris so he could surprise Britt. Meanwhile, we see Chris and Britt getting into his bed (fully clothed). “This date started bed and ended in bed,” Britt says, as they get under the covers. We see his doors close, and then later, we see Britt walking back into girls suite, and I feel kind of bad that she’s literally walking into a room where everyone was just talking shit about her.

That is, until she decides to go into detail about their date, including the fact that they went back to Chris’ room and took a “nap”.

"We went to his room…we had dessert and coffee…and then we took a nap!" If looks could kill Britt would be extremely dead. #thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 3, 2015

“Nap”, emphasis on quotation marks. Anyone who’s ever been to college knows that “nap” is just an excuse to get into bed together and make out a lot.

Took a nap, eh? #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/VrGU0zVm9G

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 3, 2015

Kesley is upset about this information, and feels like his growing connection with Britt is compromising her “relationship” with Chris. She decides that, no matter what, she can’t go home without telling Chris her story.

Kelsey can't let Chris send her home without her telling him that she's a widow. That's interesting. Widowhood as selling point?#thebachelor

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 3, 2015

So she gets dressed up and decides to surprise Chris by going to his room.

"Chris how do you feel about my mom hair my mom cardigan and my mom jeans?" -Kelsey #TheBachelor

— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) February 3, 2015

They sit on his couch and she tells him the whole “on a beautiful sunny day” husband-dying story, and then says some really weird stuff about how her story is so “amazing”. I mean…the tragic things in our lives are often the things that shape and hone us the most, but I guess I nor anyone I’ve known has delighted in those things because they’ve made an “amazing” story.

“@BachelorABC: No words. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/qH6EV6KBpm” WHAT IN THE… Seriously @C_Soules RUN AWAY FAST

— lena kathleen (@LenaKathleen) February 3, 2015

But then, after she’s done telling him, she, like, straight-up MAKES OUT with him. As if talking about her dead husband is a huge aphrodisiac. And you might think that I’m being mean right now or insensitive, but seriously you guys – it was freaking WEIRD. It also just seemed really off – your husband died, you don’t cry about it when you talk about it, and then you use the story of it to get closer to this new guy?

She obviously killed her husband, right? #TheBachelor

— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) February 3, 2015

Also, she totally did the thing where she kissed him on the nose and then did an Eskimo kiss. LIKE, GROSS, YO.

But THE BEST PART is, after that, she tells us: “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another personal romantic relationship. And I’m so glad that the first kiss is something that can be written in the story books. And hell yes I’m getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled.”

Never in my life have I seen someone so excited to benefit from something so “tragic” that’s happened to her.

We'll all be watching The Kelsey Story: From Bachelor to Behind Bars on Lifetime shortly. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 3, 2015

No Cocktails, Just Crazy

So, the girls arrive for the cocktail party, and Chris makes a speech about how he had talked to Kelsey this afternoon, and it really made him think hard on a lot of things. Then he abruptly excuse himself to go out and “think” some more.

So, some of the girls start to freak out, especially about the fact that Kelsey “stole” time with Chris this afternoon to tell him her story. So some of the girls ask her what she talked to Chris about, and she goes into this SUPER WIERD, super patronizing speech: “This is obviously is very difficult for him. He already has his mind made up. And I know that he’s thinking very hard about the fact that every day is a gift, and time is precious, and we should never take it for granted. And I’m so sad to have to say goodbye to some of you.” And when she says that, everyone in America knows that she might actually think that he’s going to send all the rest of the girls home and just keep her.

Kardashley, for her part, is super worried and upset about the fact that Kelsey’s “story” is so much more “traumatic” than her story and that she can’t compare to that.

This bitch is cray.

Don't worry, Ashley, you're plenty traumatizing for the rest of us. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/OXhNo75rX7

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 3, 2015

Ashley I. is upset she won the silver in the Olympics of Suffering. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) February 3, 2015

After Harrison goes out to talk to Chris, Chris decides that he doesn’t want to have a cocktail party…he’s already made his decision, and doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time. Harrison make a cryptic announcement to the girls about it, mentioning that Chris’ hands are tied but he’s knows what he has to do.

Chris' hands are tied and soon he will be too…in an abandoned cabin….in the woods….with Kelsey. #TheBachelor

— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) February 3, 2015

After the announcement that there’s not going to be a cocktail party all of a sudden Kelsey gets super nervous. “I feel like if my story had such an impact on him that he had to cancel the cocktail party, then something serious is going on.” She was SO SURE two hours ago, you guys! In fact, she was practically sure that the whole show was going to end right there and then!

But now she’s not so sure. In fact, she’s PANICKING.

As in, a totally fucking fake panic attack.

If this were a Lifetime movie, the twist would be that Kelsey actually murdered her husband. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/SagCJ7THel

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) February 3, 2015

It's not a panic attack, it's congestive heart failure. #TheBachelor

— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) February 3, 2015

And that’s where the episode ends! HOORAY!

Things we learned tonight: Kelsey is a crazy killer. Britt would be good & beautiful while homeless. #TheBachelor #princessprobz

— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 3, 2015

Stay tuned for my recap of the next episode, coming up whenever I have time to finish it!

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 4: Muddy Lakes, Cinderella Dates, & Virgin Debates!

Still totally mesmerized by this.

Welcome to Episode 4 of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer! This post is only a week and some change late, mostly because, now that I’m turning another year older on Friday, the days just seems to whiz by as I relax on my rocking chair by the bay window of the local rest home, drinking lukewarm tea and daydreaming of past beaus.

Anyway! Catch up on the stuff that you forgot (and the stuff I just kind of made up) after the jump!

Last week, Harrison gathered all the girls into the living room and announced that they would be meeting Chris’ sisters. The girls all act like he just announced that they were all going to Paris. “OMG! I’M SO EXCITED!”

“Yeah, they’re not here now,” Harrison informs them with a smirk. Seriously: Stop putting on a show, ladies. NO ONE is ever excited to meet the boyfriend’s sister(s). That’s like, the least exciting thing to do ever, when you start dating someone.

Speaking of fake! Harrison hands off the date card for the first group date, which reads, “Let’s do what feels natural.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Jillian makes a jab at Eyelashes, saying that she bets it means they’ll have to go without makeup. Kardashian Eyelashes is WAY offended by this, telling us that Britt is the one who doesn’t even take off her makeup when she sleeps (like, what’s wrong with that? What if she gets woken up in the middle of the night by some hottie burglar who’s actually a really good guy who’s being forced to steal to support his younger siblings after his parents were killed in a tragic accident, and so he climbs in through her window, takes one look at her gorgeously made-up sleeping face, and realizes that, while he thought he was there to rob money, turns out he was really there to rob her heart™*). In a perfect moment of “Show, Don’t Tell”, Kelsey brags to the camera about being all-natural as Kardashian Eyelashes fixes her hair weave.

In a Perfect World, This Group Date Would Have Also Included a Flesh-Eating Piranha or a Bunch of Lady-Lovin’ Aliens. (But It Didn’t, So It Sucked) 

The Group Date girls take off with Chris via two vintage convertibles. Kardashian Eyelashes somehow scored shotgun in Chris’ car, and she practically gives him a hand job the entire way, gushing that a man driving is “so hot, like the hottest thing ever.” Really? What else turns you on, Kardashian Eyelashes? A guy unlocking his house door, or just casually buying a newspaper?

“Oh my god, it’s the most beautiful place,” Megan gushes to us, as the two cars pull up to what looks like the lake from Pirahna 3DD. It is not the most beautiful place. It seriously is not the most beautiful place.

Chris announces that they’re going to have a lake day, so the girls all start stripping down. Like, really stripping down. Kardashian Eyelashes get up on the floating dock, takes her top off, and jumps in with her back to Chris (like, what was even the point, then?). Then the ever-classy Kaitlyn yanks her bikini bottoms down, but doesn’t take her top off before she jumps into the water (again, what is the point?).

Black Bar on loan from Jillian.

These displays of wantonness do NOT make Schoolmarm Kelsey happy. In fact! Nothing about this WHOLE ENTIRE DATE EXPERIENCE makes Kelsey happy. According to her, it’s just not appropriate to take your clothes off in front of Chris during this “awkward” group date (which I begrudgingly agree is true). “This is a group date for bimbos,” she tells us, while she basks in the sun of her self-proclaimed dignity and self-respect. And besides the bimbos, the lake even had the audacity to be muddy! “I hate this dingy pond!” She whines. Wanna know why? Because she’s from Michigan, you guys. They have beautiulf lakes there. You wanna visit a lake? You go to Michigan, you asshole!

Kelsey proves that just because you are only wearing a bikini, does not mean you have to take your bitch pants off. #Bachelor

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) January 27, 2015

But poor, poor, prudish Kelsey…her misery has just begun, because after a rousing game of Red Rover (not even kidding), Chris announces that they’ll all be spending the night there. Then Kelsey gets stung by a bee right by her vajeej, because God hates her.

So the girls set up their tents, and it’s basically a comedy of errors. Chris literally gets frustrated by how long it takes one group to set up their tent. THEY CAN’T HELP IT CHRIS! Kardashian Eyelashes tries to defend herself by telling us that she’s not only a virgin camping, but she’s also a camping virgin. HAHAHAHA! Get an actual life, Kardashian Eyelashes.

Later, after it’s dark, all the girls sit around a campfire, and Chris tries to jump out and scare them, and not even the fakiest girls act scared. Like, seriously, guys, it makes me feel sorry for you when you try to scare us and it fails. So just stop trying, mmmkay? Much like how I left pinned pants and silk blouses as viable fashion choices behind in the 7th grade, that is something you should have left behind, as well.

Kaitlyn gets some time alone with Chris, and she had The Five Love Languages talk. Chris is touchy-feely, he tells her, so his love language is touch. Kaitlyn is Words of Affirmation. For the record, I am both Touch and Quality Time, in case you were wondering. Unlike Kaitlyn, though, if you buy me something, it will make me happy. Also, if you bring me coffee in bed or fix my car, those gifts of service will also make me happy. And, you know, if you tell me that I look bangin’, that’ll also make me pretty happy. Basically, I am all the Love Languages, and all the Love Languages are me.

Meanwhile, the girls talk about how great this whole camping jam is and how the they’re all so lucky to be here and Kelsey’s like, “Really?” She actually says that. A couple of the girls note that Kelsey pouts a lot but when Chris is around, she’s smiling and laughing and acting like she’s having the best time ever. In pretty much the only redeeming moment Kardashian Eyelashes has had yet, she does a stunning impression of Kelsey’s fake laugh:

Ashley S decides that sitting around the campfire is a perfect place to start a sing-a-long, and suddenly I have a stunning moment when I feel like she might have worked with me back in my Bible Camp days. And then she breaks out into an actual camp song, and the resemblance to all the other bouncy, blonde, and this-close-to-a-medically-defined-mental-breakdown girls I worked with at camp is suuuuper eerie. We see a little more of Ashley S’s weirdness when she gets some alone time with Chris. The one perfect moment was when Chris tried to keep talking and Ashley basically kissed him to shut him up. “I hope that resonates within your mind tonight,” she tells him, then whispers, “You don’t have to say anything.” She stares deeply into Chris’ eyes, which are filled with some pretty blatant discomfort.

Mackenzie is turning out to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious girls on the show. During a group interlude, some of the girls are talking about how the place they’re camping by is kind of creepy, and reminds them of a place where aliens would land. Then Mackenzie asks us:

Oy. I AM GETTING SO MANY GOOD IDEAS FOR MY NEW EROTICA SERIES OF BOOKS, YOU GUYS.

During her time with Chris, Kardashian Eyelashes basically attacks him with her mouth. Chris keeps his eyes open while she’s kissing him, and it’s kind of totally obviously that he’s a little weirded out by how intense she is. Later, The Big Moment of some girl slipping into Chris’ tent to have sex with him ends up being Kardashian Eyelashes waking Chris up to talk to him about how she’s a total nerd and inexperienced in every way possible. Everyone else in America can tell that he just wants to go back to sleep and he’s trying to get her to stop talking, but she keeps asking him if he really “GOT” her.

Every guy likes being woken up from a deep sleep to talk about a girl's feelings. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) January 27, 2015

“He can ask about it, he can probe at that area if he wants later on,” she tells us.

HAHAHAHA.

The Part In Which Some of The Girls Are Asked Some Hard-Hitting Questions By Three Blondes, and Jillian Once Again Is Dressed Inappropriately For Something. 

While the other girls are on what is pretty much the perfect scenario for a Bachelor-themed horror film (who wants to write this with me?!), Chris’ sisters show up to the mansion. This is what they look like:

The sisters are all blonde and pretty, and one even lives in Ireland or something. While they’re talking to the girls, it’s noticed that Jillian’s butt is asleep on the patio. Someone goes and wakes her up, but since there’s no time for her to go change, she basically walks in wearing her bikini. Cool first impression, J.

The sisters announce that they’re here to interview the girls and pick one of them to go on a date with Chris. They talk to the girls one-on-one, and it’s like one of those job interviews where the women are nice, but you know that they’re sharply assessing every single gesture and word. Almost all the girls try to suck up to them, telling them how excited she’s been to meet them (honestly, stop. Every sister in the world knows that this actually is not true). The sisters grill Carly on how many serious relationships she’s had, and she tells them that she’s really only had one, and that the guy wasn’t “very nice” to her. She talks about her grandpa and how she looks for someone who’s like him and can make her feel the way that he did, and it’s kind of sad and sweet at the same time. Fuckin’ guys. Whitney does pretty good in her interview, Jade is sweet and soft-spoken, and Jillian blows it by being herself.

In the end, Jade is the one who is picked to go on a Royal Ball date with Chris. The twist is that Chris won’t know who’s going to show up, just that the sisters pick her. Britt surmises from the clues that it’s a Cinderella theme, and all the other girls are super jealous. Jade literally tears up when she finds out that she’s been picked by the sisters, but it’s like…it’s nice. You kind of get the feeling that Jade doesn’t have a disingenuous bone in her body.

When the other girls get back from their camping date, Julian tells the crowd about the sister date, and Kardashain Eyelashes is PISSED. If she had been there, she totally would have told the sisters that she’s a total Disney princess and that this would be her dream date, and they probably would have picked her (uh, no, they wouldn’t have). She’s so pissed that it’s hilarious. Two stylists come into the house, usher Jade into a room filled with evening dresses, shoes, and jewelry, and announce to Jade that they’re here to transform her. “Ashley I is gonna cry,” Jillian correctly predicts, as the girls all hang out in the doorway and watch. The Cinderella transformation does actually look pretty fun (Oh, BTW, this whole date is basically a promo for the new Cinderella movie). The trying-on of all the dresses does look really fun, and when Jade tries on a pair of shoes, the stylist tells her that if she likes them – they’re Louboutins, btw – she gets to keep them. Oh, and she also gets to keep all the Neil Lane jewelry she picks to wear on the date. I gotta hand it to the sisters, though – they really did pick the perfect girl for this: Jade is so sweet and unassuming about all of this. Kardashian Eyelashes, on the other hand, is busy throwing a huge fit. “It honestly physically pains me,” Kardashian says, about the fact that this whole Princess date is so her element and everything that she wanted. SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY. Kardashian’s pain over not getting a Princess Date is so intense that her eyelashes are starting to fall off!

Just kidding! Those are fake.

The best part, though, is when the stylist pulls out her iPad and asks Jade if she wants to see where she got her inspiration from for the dresses, and Jade is like, “Uh, suuuuure”. WHADDYA KNOW IT’S A PROMO FOR THE NEW CINDERELLA MOVIE! These product placements are slick!

Then we see Chris dancing by himself like a total doof at the date venue, as he waits for his date to show up and he makes a lot of Fairy Tale Allusions before she even shows up, which literally makes me groan out loud. Jade shows up, he’s pleasantly surprised, they sit down and have dinner.

Jade makes a comment about feeling like she should tell him something, and everyone in America holds their breath, wondering if this is when she’s going to spill that she used to be a nude model, but, nope: She tells him that she was engaged before, when she was 21, to a guy from her hometown. Chris tells her he was with someone else for 7 years, and it was long distance, so he gets it. “Cheers to my sisters for making a super great decision, like for real,” he eloquently toasts, and the heads of Toastmasters everywhere explode into a billion bits of tiny colorful confetti.

Back at the Mansion, Kardashian gets dressed up in the dress she brought specifically in case she got picked for a princess date. “Tonight I’m going to have a Royal Ball, even if I have to have it all by myself!” she announces. She goes out to hang out with the girls, who are all dressed in comfy clothes and hanging by the pool. She looks crazy, but not as crazy as she does when she goes into the mansion and sits on the couch and eats a corn on the cob in her princess dress.

Stay Classy/Crazy, Kardashian.

Back at The Royal Ball, Chris and Jade get to dance to a full orchestra while Cinderella plays on a big screen. Chris does the thing where he dips Jade and kisses her and then lifts her up while they kiss, which is actually SUPER SMOOTH. Fucking good job for once, Chris.

“Excited to see where this thing goes,” he says to her, as they stand at the top of the biggest staircase in the entire world. Which is like the least charming thing he could say: Hey thanks for this magical time, I’m excited to see if I want to maybe call you in a couple days after the memories of this wears off! The click strikes midnight and they do the thing where Jade has to run out of there, which is kind of dumb. Plus, you make her run down a hug slight of stairs in new Louboutins? WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SUCH MONSTERS.

At the end, though, Chris tells us that he might have overlooked Jade before, but “I’m not going to overlook her anymore.”

See, that’s the kind of thing you say at the end of that kind of date.

The Part Where, If Any Guy On This Planet Ever Made Me Do Something Like This On A Date, I Would Flip Him The Double Birds, Go Back To The Limo & Then Leave Him There. 

Jillian, Nikki, Carly, Whitney., Becca, Britt have been picked for the group date, and that morning, they receive big huge white boxes that they open out by the pool. Surprise! They’re wedding dresses! He-Man Jillian, of course, doesn’t love the idea of getting dressed up in some froufrou white confection. “I’m not feeling the best Jillian that I can feel today.” Which is pretty much the only redeeming thing she’s said this entire season.

 

After they’re changed into their dresses, they’re ushered to a private jet and flown to San Francisco, where they meet Chris on the edge of town in some abandoned field that looks like the perfect location for a mass bridal massacre. Chris is waiting for them, and he tells us, “In these dresses, these girls might think they’re gonna be walking don with aisle with me…”

Yeah. While some of these girls’ judgment is questionable, pretty sure none of them think that.

SURPRISE! IT’S A FUCKING MUCK RUN. You guys, I would be so fucking pissed. DO NOT MAKE ME DO ATHLETIC COMPETITION STUFF ON DATES. Especially not after I just took the time to get all beautified in a gorgeous dress, mmmkay?

Whitney tries to figure out what Muck Fest is all about. “I think a muck fest is a cross between mud and schmuck? What’s schmuck?” MUCK is another term for MUD, ya adorable baby voiced idiot!

So the girls run, because the prize for the winner is a romantic one-on-one date in San Francisco with Chris. Jillian wins. Yawn.

 

And of course she’s a super bitch about it.

There's this cool thing called "winning graciously". Jillian should really check it out sometime. #TheBachelor

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) January 27, 2015

Also, dudes, these group dates are bullshit. The other girls got an ENTIRE OVERNIGHT date with him, and these other girls have to run a fucking obstacle course in wedding dresses and then they get sent home when they don’t win? I would not be a good sport about that shit.

Anyway – Jillian and Chris go to San Francisco, the whole set-up is beautiful, but Jillian talks the entire time. “I feel like I’m more on the Take end of the conversation so far…it’s nice to listen so far, and not have the pressure to talk so much,” Chris tells us at first, doing his best polite version of “LADY. SHUT YER MOUTH.” Then he says, “When Jillian’s talking, I find myself confused, because the words come out a lot faster than my mind can process.”

HAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for summing up the entire season for us, Chris.

Then Jillian basically pulls out her vulgar Would You Rather jokes and Chris grabs that date rose and tosses it off the balcony.

“We were given one of the most romantic settings to make something happen, and it just fell face forward,” He tells Jillian, explaining that he didn’t feel a connection. She cries a bunch and tries to explain that she was nervous, but in the end, he was all, “PACK YA BAGS, YA DONE.”

And I’m not sad about it, mostly because we never again have to see her do this:

The Cocktail Party Where Being Here For The Right Reasons Sadly Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That You’re Here For Anodda Cocktail

During the cocktail party, Megan decides to whip out some tricks she learned from Cosmo during her alone time with Chris. She blindfolds Chris and feeds him some fruit and melted chocolate while talking about the five senses.

For the record, she doesn’t actually know what all the five sense are.

I’m not even kidding, you guys. This is an actual admission she made while doing this.

Kardashian Eyelashes, worried that Chris may not have GOT what she was trying to tell him when she snuck into his tent, decides to steal him away and just outright tell him that she’s a virgin. The talk goes well, but then later she flips out to Mackenzie, saying that she probably freaked Chris out because for the first time ever, he didn’t kiss her.

Yeah…all those other times? You were the one who attacked Chris with your mouth, Kardashian, not the other way around.

Mackenzie calls it in that Eyelashes blows everything out of proportion. But Kardashian is a drama queen, so she tells all the other girls that she’s a virgin, hoping for some commiseration. Carly is surprised since she’s seen Kardashian kiss Chris at least 13,000 times.

Britt feels insecure and wastes her time with Chris to ask him why Kardashian’s and Kaitlyn’s actions – a.k.a., their weird half-skinny dipping actions on the camping trip – were being validated with roses. Chris gets pissed, calls the girls into a room, and tells them that he is here to find a wife. “And if any of you question that, you are welcome to leave.”

BUUUUUUUUUURN!

The roses are handed out, and Nikki, Ashley S., and Juelia are all sent home. I feel bad for Nikki the way I do with all the girls who seemed like they never really got a chance for a Chris to know them. There didn’t really seem to be a connection between Jeulia and Chris, and Ashley S….well…

“I feel…NOTHING,” she tells us. “I’m not upset at all. Like honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me.”

WE are kind of worried about you, though, Ashley. I sincerely, genuinely hope that if she needs psychiatric care, that she gets it.

ANYWAY! Still at the top of my bracket wit’ mah picks:

 

* This story will be coming to you soon via the Romance/Erotica Genre wherever eBooks are sold)