Amber L. Carter's Blog, page 16

The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 1 + 2: 2 Girls, 1 Season!

Welcome to a brand new season of red rose dreams and white wine tears!

Our Bachelorette season kicked off with a two-night special event on Monday and Tuesday, because ABC would prefer it if you didn’t have a life. However, since I do (reading YA novels and researching other reality TV series constitutes as a life, right?), I decided to pack alla dis into one big yo-mama-so-ugly-people-break-into-her-house-just-to-pull-down-her-shades recap.

Let’s start out the season with a list of complaints: Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re that kind of person who willfully tunes out all current reality TV show news on the regular (and if you are, kindly take your things and go), then you already know that the last season of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer ended with a bombshell: Because the producers just could not agree on who they wanted as the next Bachelorette – Britt or Kaitlyn – they decided to just go with both.

Except that they didn’t – instead of the two girls sharing the spotlight for the entire season (which arguably would make for a really entertaining and interesting season) and forcing the guys to fight to be chosen by either (or both) girls in order to stay on, the power has been put back into men’s hands and one of the girls gets voted off by the guys before the first official rose ceremony.

(PS: The most excellent and hilarious @JenniferWeiner guest-tweeted for US Weekly the past two weeks. If you’re into The Twitter, you should follow her)

The ladies are nervous! Confused! Excited! And probably secretly pissed because this ISN'T HOW THE #BACHELORETTE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) May 19, 2015

The resounding attitude last night on Twitter was that Bachelor Nation was still not happy with this decision. Almost no one besides Chris Harrison thought it was a good idea. Even though we actually saw the Two Lead thing happen on The Bachelor before with Byron Velvick (the professional fisherman), people straight up lost their shit about this happening on The Bachelorette, both when it was announced and during the premiere on Monday night. Arguably, the whole point of The Bachelorette is to flip the switch and give the (previously-dumped) woman the power to command her own destiny by having 25 hand-selected men vie for her heart and subsequent media-career-coattails. And this is a formula that has historically had way more success than The Bachelor: There are triple the amount of successful, still-going marriages that came out of The Bachelorette (Trista, Ashley, Des) vs. The Bachelor (Sean).

I, personally, was kind of leaning toward Britt…not because I liked her more than Kaitlyn (I so don’t) but because I think she would make way more interesting, entertaining TV. You can’t deny that the girl is stunning, and it’s kind of fun to watch her try to cover up her inner conceit with some Crest White humblebrag “I sponsor kids in Africa” charm.

I hate Britt because she doesn't get charged extra for guac. I hate her even more because she probably doesn't even eat it. #Bachleorette

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015

Kaitlyn won props from me for being in this video –

(The double screen hurts my eyes tho)

– and she’s obviously really pretty with a self-deprecating + crude sense of humor, which you would think would make me her biggest fan. But I’m just not. She actually used to be one of my least favorites on Chris’ season, but now, even though I like her, I just don’t like her enough.

But anyway. For another view on this that I respect, check out this blog post by one of my Bachelor Nation favorites, The Possessionista.

On to the season premiere(s)!

Kaitlyn & Britt Are Not The Girls Eating Big Macs In The Bouncy House That You’re Looking For

Britt and Kaitlyn are both very different people.

They say this a lot about each other. They are very different people.

(This is code for Move Bitch, Get Out Tha’ Way)

Britt comes off as fake-bubbly, and Kaitlyn purposefully contrasts this behavior with subtle eye-rolling and prominent duck lips. Basically, they both try to pretend that the other girl isn’t there, except when they’re forced to acknowledge that the other girl is there.

So.

This should be fun.

The Boys of The Bachelorette

Historically, the intro videos of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette feature a telling combination of guys: One or two guys who are going home right away; a dark horse that no one expects will go far but does; one or two who are going to the very end; the most controversial guy; and Mr. Congeniality/potential future Mr. Bachelor.

First, we meet Jonathan, who is 33 yrs old, works in the automotive industry, and his version of fun is doing whatever he gets to do with his 5 yr old, Sky (translation: If you date this guy, you will never ever get to have your own say on what you and Jonathan will do when that kid is around). He likes Britt.

Joe is from Kentucky, which you could probably surmise just by looking at that scrunched up face underneath that miles-long real estate of a forehead. He likes Kaitlyn.

Josh, is an the Exotic Dancer/Lawyer who is earning that coin at the strip club. You know who Josh would choose to have lunch with if he could choose to have lunch with anyone in the universe? Himself, you guys.

This tells us everything we ever needed to know about Josh.

Josh doesn’t tell us who he likes. Mostly because he just likes himself.

Then we meet Brady, who’s a singer-songwriter from Nashville. His hero is Chris Martin from Coldplay. He’s always had melodies inside him, which marry together pain and joy! He sings for the camera, and I don’t like it. He likes Britt.

Joshua is an industrial welder who is from a small town and looks exactly like every guy you’ll ever date if you live North of 8. He likes Kaitlyn, and makes connections between how love is like welding, then holds up a metal rose. (goes to the end and/or is Mr. Congeniality)

Ian provides us the best moment in Bachelorette history:

Wait a minute, I want more on the skateboard video bomber! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tsi82BQqU5

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) May 19, 2015

He’s a Princeton man, former college track star, and once got hit by a car. He likes Kaitlyn, no ifs, ands, or but(t)s!

Jared is a restaurant manager from Rhode Island who’s a low (low, LOW) rent version of Josh Hartnick. He feels he’s still single because he’s the type of person who knows what he wants (even thought it miiiight be because everyone else knows what they want, too, and it’s not him?). And also, because he’s a superhero called LOVEMAN.

Fucking…I mean…c’mon.

He likes Kaitlyn because she’s like wildfire. You know? She’s just hysterical! He could see himself go on a date with Kaitlyn and just laughing the entire time. Which is something all girls want to hear…that you can’t wait to go on a date with us so we can spend the whole time amusing you. It’s kind of like when we talk about how we can’t wait to go on a date with a rich guy so he can fly us to Paris for a romantic weekend and stuff.

Plant Kisser (a.k.a., Tony the Healer, who, incidentally, had one of the least-weird profiles)

Hellllooooooo Ben! Ben is a personal trainer. And HOT. And a former pro football player. And HOT. And he lost his mom, which is pretty sad. But also HOT.

The Limo Snail Trail

“Omg I love this this is so great it’s not awkward at all to watch this happening right next to me I hope this keeps happening alllll night…”

So the big excitement about the limo arrivals was keeping a tally of who went up to Kaitlyn first and who went up to Britt first. There are also a couple guys who only talked to one of the girls (um, RUDE), and a few who were not super subtle on who they were rooting for to make it. First, through the magic of editing, it looked like all the guys were going to Brit-Brit first, which caused Kaitlyn to slightly tear up in her ITM (In The Moment) interviews. But as we should all know by now, those Bachelor editors are better than the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race when it comes to producing a winning illusion, so this don’t mean nuthin’.

Also, after the next commercial break, all the guys started going to Kaitlyn first, so.

Like I said.

Highlights:

This photo –

Kaitlyn’s resting bitch face as Brady tells Britt that she’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside

JJ gave Kaitlyn a hockey puck and told her that he wanted to Puck her (heh); Josh did a strip tease right out of the limo, then made the girls run their hands down his abs, then showed off his new rose tattoo (barf);

and Tanner brought Britt a $1.36 package of tissues based on what he saw of her last season (again: RUDE). Kaitlyn asks her if that’s soap or tissues.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

At one point, Kaitlyn decides dash from the Driveway of Dreams and into the house to say hi to all the guys and thank them for being there. Britt didn’t think that was entirely fair, and in a way, it did come off as sort of Mean Girlish. But on the other hand, Kaitlyn’s in it to win it, and if it’s not against the rules and it gives you an advantage…fuckin’ kill it, yo.

Tony comes along and says the exact same thing to both girls. “Hi, how are you. I’m Tony. Been waiting for this moment for a while. I believe in love. Real love. And I hope that…the universe provides.”

Also:

There was a Hot Tub Car.

(&)

There was a Cupcake Car.

The End.

COCKtail Party Moments

To start off the party, Kaitlyn makes a knock-knock joke (it’s lame, I’m not repeating it), while Britt opens up about who she’s looking for (hint: it involves a best friend and an adventure partner). This is because they are different people, which is what makes them different, which also means that they’re looking for different things, because, you know, they’re different.

The girls have some time to hang out with the guys, but then Chris announces that the voting is open.

Britt's all "I'll put soda in the water fountains" and Kaitlyn's like "oh yeah, well I'll make every day taco tuesday." #bachelorette

— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) May 19, 2015

Clint drew and brought this portrait:

Which makes me wish there was a rose box just for him.

Best quotes:

“Britt is like your trophy wife, and Kaitlyn’s like, your wife, your natural wife.” – Jonathan

“We’re just different people, and I think that’s what makes us different.” – Britt

“Britt’s box was pulsating.” – Tony

“I have to prove myself as wife material so they put a rose in my box” – Britt

SO MANY ROSES IN BOXES JOKES!

Ryan M. got druuuuunk (also, gossip: This guy is also Nikki Ferrell’s ex).

First, he was shouting things like “Is this the gay Bachelor?” and drinking Fireball on the rocks. Then he got into a verbal altercation (see, I can write good and use them big words) with Shawn E., the amateur sex coach, about what he said about his Shawn’s hot tub car when he pulled up (basically, Ryan yelled, “That car sucks”, instead of what he should have yelled, which was, “WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AMATEUR SEX COACH AND A PRO SEX COACH, BRO?” Because, like…is there a certain required amount of hours of observational field work, like in behavioral therapy? Hands-on tutorials you need to pass? Case studies or group experiments? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.) At one point he asked Britt to talk to him outside, even though JJ thought that was a “gross mismanagement of her time” (pause for a second to just let that weird control-freak statement sink in). Then he hit Kaitlyn on the ass, which was like, LINE CROSS WHOA. THEN he stripped down into his speedo, got into the pool/hot tub…and then stumbled on the pool steps, fell onto his side, yet kept every single drop of his beer still in the glass.

This guy is pro.

Then he goes into the voting room, where he almost knocks over a standing candle, hits the wall, knocks over Kaitlyn’s portrait, throws his rose at Britt’s photo, then strolls off.

And THEN, JJ asks him why he’s taking his shirt off, and Ryan responds with, “Why am I not raping you right now? That’s my whole thing.”

“Why am I not raping you right now?” Oh, gee, I don’t know. Bad time management skills? Already busy raping someone else? #bachelorette

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) May 19, 2015

Sheesh.

But have no fear! Bouncer Paulie is here! “Ryan, Chris Harrison would like to speak to you, buddy.”

“Chris Hansen?” Ryan asks. HAHAHAHA.

Chris Harrison basically goes, “SEE YA BRO”, and Ryan’s like, “YO, ALRIGHT HOLMES” and then hops into the White Caravan of Shame.

Britt calls Tanner on his “here’s some kleenex, YA BABY!” gift during their alone time. He’s like, “Ahhh, depends on how you take it.” She’s like, “Little bit of a dick [move]”. The very next shot, we see Tanner tell the guys, “I like Kaitlyn. 100%. She’s more real to me.” HAHAHAHA, TANNER, YOU SUCK.

The Poor-Woman’s Version of Ryan Gosling, Shawn B., makes Kaitlyn feel the closest she’s ever felt to love at first sight.

Brady is SO SMITTEN with Britt. He played minor league baseball (The Cardinals), and Britt loves baseball games the way she loved Arlington. But there’s seriously a cute connection, even though the combination of their names, “Britt & Brady” immediately makes me envision hipster-rustic wedding invitations designed with gold-foil arrows (gross).

Then, Chris announces all the votes are in. He announces that he’s off to tally the votes and then announce who’s going to stay and who’s going to home. Britt talks about how she’ll be devastated if she has to go home, and Kaitlyn tells us that she’s sick to her stomach.

Then the show ends!

When Two Become One

And then it’s Tuesday night, and the show begins again!

The new Bachelorette isn’t Britt. (sidenote: Chris Harrison does not look like he feels bad for Britt at all)

It’s Kaitlyn. It’s the best moment of her life, you guys. Which pretty much just means that she’s never had anyone go and get her Chipotle without her having to ask them to, which makes me feel sad for her.

Britt sobs in the limo (Tanner’s like, “Guess those tissues are coming in handy now, huh?”) while Kaitlyn gets to know the guys some more. Sean B. gets the First Impression Rose, which nobody saw coming (not).

Kaitlyn Pops Her Rose Cherry

Coming up, the first Rose Ceremony ft. Pitbull. #Bachelorette

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015

Sean B gets the First Impression Rose. Guys get roses, but then Brady is like, “Yo, girl, you ain’t the one for me. I’m into that round-a-way girl, so I’s gotta bounce.” He’s got a hard-on for Britt, ya see, so he’s off to white-horse that girl and bring her back to his castle in Nashville. Chris Harrison is all, “Yo, if you are intent on embarking upon this noble mission, I will be thy trusty steed and journey you to your fair maiden.” And Brady’s like, “The harmony of you and me is creating another melody in my heart, homie!”

Love, you guys.

Sean E (noooo! Now we’ll never know the secret to being an amateur sex coach!), Stripper/Lawyer Josh S, David, and Bradley C are told to get the fuck out, cause ya done!

And then.

There’s THIS. (Go and watch that shit RIGHT FREAKING NOW)

Amy Schumer! Hot make-outs! Heated confrontations! Nick Viall!

TEARS. ILLICIT SEX. ANGER. SOMEBODY STORMS OUT. MORE TEARS. OH. MY. GOD. #TheBachelorette

— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 20, 2015

Ya guys.

This season?

Is gonna be GOOOOOOOOOD!

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 1: 2 Girls, 1 Season!

Welcome to a brand new season of red rose dreams and white wine tears!

Our Bachelorette season kicked off with a two-night special event on Monday and Tuesday, because ABC would prefer it if you didn’t have a life. However, since I do (reading YA novels and researching other reality TV series constitutes as a life, right?), I decided to pack alla dis into one big yo-mama-so-ugly-people-break-into-her-house-just-to-pull-down-her-shades recap.

Let’s start out the season with a list of complaints: Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re that kind of person who willfully tunes out all current reality TV show news on the regular (and if you are, kindly take your things and go), then you already know that the last season of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer ended with a bombshell: Because the producers just could not agree on who they wanted as the next Bachelorette – Britt or Kaitlyn – they decided to just go with both.

Except that they didn’t – instead of the two girls sharing the spotlight for the entire season (which arguably would make for a really entertaining and interesting season) and forcing the guys to fight to be chosen by either (or both) girls in order to stay on, the power has been put back into men’s hands and one of the girls gets voted off by the guys before the first official rose ceremony.

(PS: The most excellent and hilarious @JenniferWeiner guest-tweeted for US Weekly the past two weeks. If you’re into The Twitter, you should follow her)

The ladies are nervous! Confused! Excited! And probably secretly pissed because this ISN'T HOW THE #BACHELORETTE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) May 19, 2015

The resounding attitude last night on Twitter was that Bachelor Nation was still not happy with this decision. Almost no one besides Chris Harrison thought it was a good idea. Even though we actually saw the Two Lead thing happen on The Bachelor before with Byron Velvick (the professional fisherman), people straight up lost their shit about this happening on The Bachelorette, both when it was announced and during the premiere on Monday night. Arguably, the whole point of The Bachelorette is to flip the switch and give the (previously-dumped) woman the power to command her own destiny by having 25 hand-selected men vie for her heart and subsequent media-career-coattails. And this is a formula that has historically had way more success than The Bachelor: There are triple the amount of successful, still-going marriages that came out of The Bachelorette (Trista, Ashley, Des) vs. The Bachelor (Sean).

I, personally, was kind of leaning toward Britt…not because I liked her more than Kaitlyn (I so don’t) but because I think she would make way more interesting, entertaining TV. You can’t deny that the girl is stunning, and it’s kind of fun to watch her try to cover up her inner conceit with some Crest White humblebrag “I sponsor kids in Africa” charm.

I hate Britt because she doesn't get charged extra for guac. I hate her even more because she probably doesn't even eat it. #Bachleorette

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015

Kaitlyn won props from me for being in this video -

(The double screen hurts my eyes tho)

- and she’s obviously really pretty with a self-deprecating + crude sense of humor, which you would think would make me her biggest fan. But I’m just not. She actually used to be one of my least favorites on Chris’ season, but now, even though I like her, I just don’t like her enough.

But anyway. For another view on this that I respect, check out this blog post by one of my Bachelor Nation favorites, The Possessionista.

On to the season premiere(s)!

Kaitlyn & Britt Are Not The Girls Eating Big Macs In The Bouncy House That You’re Looking For

Britt and Kaitlyn are both very different people.

They say this a lot about each other. They are very different people.

(This is code for Move Bitch, Get Out Tha’ Way)

Britt comes off as fake-bubbly, and Kaitlyn purposefully contrasts this behavior with subtle eye-rolling and prominent duck lips. Basically, they both try to pretend that the other girl isn’t there, except when they’re forced to acknowledge that the other girl is there.

So.

This should be fun.

The Boys of The Bachelorette

Historically, the intro videos of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette feature a telling combination of guys: One or two guys who are going home right away; a dark horse that no one expects will go far but does; one or two who are going to the very end; the most controversial guy; and Mr. Congeniality/potential future Mr. Bachelor.

First, we meet Jonathan, who is 33 yrs old, works in the automotive industry, and his version of fun is doing whatever he gets to do with his 5 yr old, Sky (translation: If you date this guy, you will never ever get to have your own say on what you and Jonathan will do when that kid is around). He likes Britt.

Joe is from Kentucky, which you could probably surmise just by looking at that scrunched up face underneath that miles-long real estate of a forehead. He likes Kaitlyn.

Josh, is an the Exotic Dancer/Lawyer who is earning that coin at the strip club. You know who Josh would choose to have lunch with if he could choose to have lunch with anyone in the universe? Himself, you guys.

This tells us everything we ever needed to know about Josh.

Josh doesn’t tell us who he likes. Mostly because he just likes himself.

Then we meet Brady, who’s a singer-songwriter from Nashville. His hero is Chris Martin from Coldplay. He’s always had melodies inside him, which marry together pain and joy! He sings for the camera, and I don’t like it. He likes Britt.

Joshua is an industrial welder who is from a small town and looks exactly like every guy you’ll ever date if you live North of 8. He likes Kaitlyn, and makes connections between how love is like welding, then holds up a metal rose. (goes to the end and/or is Mr. Congeniality)

Ian provides us the best moment in Bachelorette history:

Wait a minute, I want more on the skateboard video bomber! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tsi82BQqU5

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) May 19, 2015

He’s a Princeton man, former college track star, and once got hit by a car. He likes Kaitlyn, no ifs, ands, or but(t)s!

Jared is a restaurant manager from Rhode Island who’s a low (low, LOW) rent version of Josh Hartnick. He feels he’s still single because he’s the type of person who knows what he wants (even thought it miiiight be because everyone else knows what they want, too, and it’s not him?). And also, because he’s a superhero called LOVEMAN.

Fucking…I mean…c’mon.

He likes Kaitlyn because she’s like wildfire. You know? She’s just hysterical! He could see himself go on a date with Kaitlyn and just laughing the entire time. Which is something all girls want to hear…that you can’t wait to go on a date with us so we can spend the whole time amusing you. It’s kind of like when we talk about how we can’t wait to go on a date with a rich guy so he can fly us to Paris for a romantic weekend and stuff.

Plant Kisser (a.k.a., Tony the Healer, who, incidentally, had one of the least-weird profiles)

Hellllooooooo Ben! Ben is a personal trainer. And HOT. And a former pro football player. And HOT. And he lost his mom, which is pretty sad. But also HOT.

The Limo Snail Trail

“Omg I love this this is so great it’s not awkward at all to watch this happening right next to me I hope this keeps happening alllll night…”

So the big excitement about the limo arrivals was keeping a tally of who went up to Kaitlyn first and who went up to Britt first. There are also a couple guys who only talked to one of the girls (um, RUDE), and a few who were not super subtle on who they were rooting for to make it. First, through the magic of editing, it looked like all the guys were going to Brit-Brit first, which caused Kaitlyn to slightly tear up in her ITM (In The Moment) interviews. But as we should all know by now, those Bachelor editors are better than the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race when it comes to producing a winning illusion, so this don’t mean nuthin’.

Also, after the next commercial break, all the guys started going to Kaitlyn first, so.

Like I said.

Highlights:

This photo -

Kaitlyn’s resting bitch face as Brady tells Britt that she’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside

JJ gave Kaitlyn a hockey puck and told her that he wanted to Puck her (heh); Josh did a strip tease right out of the limo, then made the girls run their hands down his abs, then showed off his new rose tattoo (barf);

and Tanner brought Britt a $1.36 package of tissues based on what he saw of her last season (again: RUDE). Kaitlyn asks her if that’s soap or tissues.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

At one point, Kaitlyn decides dash from the Driveway of Dreams and into the house to say hi to all the guys and thank them for being there. Britt didn’t think that was entirely fair, and in a way, it did come off as sort of Mean Girlish. But on the other hand, Kaitlyn’s in it to win it, and if it’s not against the rules and it gives you an advantage…fuckin’ kill it, yo.

Tony comes along and says the exact same thing to both girls. “Hi, how are you. I’m Tony. Been waiting for this moment for a while. I believe in love. Real love. And I hope that…the universe provides.”

Also:

There was a Hot Tub Car.

(&)

There was a Cupcake Car.

The End.

COCKtail Party Moments

To start off the party, Kaitlyn makes a knock-knock joke (it’s lame, I’m not repeating it), while Britt opens up about who she’s looking for (hint: it involves a best friend and an adventure partner). This is because they are different people, which is what makes them different, which also means that they’re looking for different things, because, you know, they’re different.

The girls have some time to hang out with the guys, but then Chris announces that the voting is open.

Britt's all "I'll put soda in the water fountains" and Kaitlyn's like "oh yeah, well I'll make every day taco tuesday." #bachelorette

— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) May 19, 2015

Clint drew and brought this portrait:

Which makes me wish there was a rose box just for him.

Best quotes:

“Britt is like your trophy wife, and Kaitlyn’s like, your wife, your natural wife.” – Jonathan

“We’re just different people, and I think that’s what makes us different.” – Britt

“Britt’s box was pulsating.” – Tony

“I have to prove myself as wife material so they put a rose in my box” – Britt

SO MANY ROSES IN BOXES JOKES!

Ryan M. got druuuuunk (also, gossip: This guy is also Nikki Ferrell’s ex).

First, he was shouting things like “Is this the gay Bachelor?” and drinking Fireball on the rocks. Then he got into a verbal altercation (see, I can write good and use them big words) with Shawn E., the amateur sex coach, about what he said about his Shawn’s hot tub car when he pulled up (basically, Ryan yelled, “That car sucks”, instead of what he should have yelled, which was, “WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AMATEUR SEX COACH AND A PRO SEX COACH, BRO?” Because, like…is there a certain required amount of hours of observational field work, like in behavioral therapy? Hands-on tutorials you need to pass? Case studies or group experiments? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.) At one point he asked Britt to talk to him outside, even though JJ thought that was a “gross mismanagement of her time” (pause for a second to just let that weird control-freak statement sink in). Then he hit Kaitlyn on the ass, which was like, LINE CROSS WHOA. THEN he stripped down into his speedo, got into the pool/hot tub…and then stumbled on the pool steps, fell onto his side, yet kept every single drop of his beer still in the glass.

This guy is pro.

Then he goes into the voting room, where he almost knocks over a standing candle, hits the wall, knocks over Kaitlyn’s portrait, throws his rose at Britt’s photo, then strolls off.

And THEN, JJ asks him why he’s taking his shirt off, and Ryan responds with, “Why am I not raping you right now? That’s my whole thing.”

“Why am I not raping you right now?” Oh, gee, I don’t know. Bad time management skills? Already busy raping someone else? #bachelorette

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) May 19, 2015

Sheesh.

But have no fear! Bouncer Paulie is here! “Ryan, Chris Harrison would like to speak to you, buddy.”

“Chris Hansen?” Ryan asks. HAHAHAHA.

Chris Harrison basically goes, “SEE YA BRO”, and Ryan’s like, “YO, ALRIGHT HOLMES” and then hops into the White Caravan of Shame.

Britt calls Tanner on his “here’s some kleenex, YA BABY!” gift during their alone time. He’s like, “Ahhh, depends on how you take it.” She’s like, “Little bit of a dick [move]”. The very next shot, we see Tanner tell the guys, “I like Kaitlyn. 100%. She’s more real to me.” HAHAHAHA, TANNER, YOU SUCK.

The Poor-Woman’s Version of Ryan Gosling, Shawn B., makes Kaitlyn feel the closest she’s ever felt to love at first sight.

Brady is SO SMITTEN with Britt. He played minor league baseball (The Cardinals), and Britt loves baseball games the way she loved Arlington. But there’s seriously a cute connection, even though the combination of their names, “Britt & Brady” immediately makes me envision hipster-rustic wedding invitations designed with gold-foil arrows (gross).

Then, Chris announces all the votes are in. He announces that he’s off to tally the votes and then announce who’s going to stay and who’s going to home. Britt talks about how she’ll be devastated if she has to go home, and Kaitlyn tells us that she’s sick to her stomach.

Then the show ends!

When Two Become One

And then it’s Tuesday night, and the show begins again!

The new Bachelorette isn’t Britt. (sidenote: Chris Harrison does not look like he feels bad for Britt at all)

It’s Kaitlyn. It’s the best moment of her life, you guys. Which pretty much just means that she’s never had anyone go and get her Chipotle without her having to ask them to, which makes me feel sad for her.

Britt sobs in the limo (Tanner’s like, “Guess those tissues are coming in handy now, huh?”) while Kaitlyn gets to know the guys some more. Sean B. gets the First Impression Rose, which nobody saw coming (not).

Kaitlyn Pops Her Rose Cherry

Coming up, the first Rose Ceremony ft. Pitbull. #Bachelorette

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015

Sean B gets the First Impression Rose. Guys get roses, but then Brady is like, “Yo, girl, you ain’t the one for me. I’m into that round-a-way girl, so I’s gotta bounce.” He’s got a hard-on for Britt, ya see, so he’s off to white-horse that girl and bring her back to his castle in Nashville. Chris Harrison is all, “Yo, if you are intent on embarking upon this noble mission, I will be thy trusty steed and journey you to your fair maiden.” And Brady’s like, “The harmony of you and me is creating another melody in my heart, homie!”

Love, you guys.

Sean E (noooo! Now we’ll never know the secret to being an amateur sex coach!), Stripper/Lawyer Josh S, David, and Bradley C are told to get the fuck out, cause ya done!

And then.

There’s THIS. (Go and watch that shit RIGHT FREAKING NOW)

Amy Schumer! Hot make-outs! Heated confrontations! Nick Viall!

TEARS. ILLICIT SEX. ANGER. SOMEBODY STORMS OUT. MORE TEARS. OH. MY. GOD. #TheBachelorette

— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 20, 2015

Ya guys.

This season?

Is gonna be GOOOOOOOOOD!

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

Pizza Rainbow! 24: I Didn’t Have To Pay For a Heggie’s! (And Other Tales About Sex)

This little guy also makes a guest appearance!

Welcome to Episode 24! This week we dive into some unintentional realness – the theme for this week’s episode was supposed to be about pop culture origin stories, but somehow delved into some straight talk about penis size (does it matter? Share your thoughts on our Facebook page!), afterglow guilt trips, taking matters into your own hands, and losing your V-Card.

And we probably shouldn’t have to tell you this, but this episode is an 8 on the NSFW scale.

Listen now: Pizza Rainbow! 24: I Didn’t Have To Pay For a Heggie’s! (And Other Tales About Sex)

Check out Math Is Hard.net and/or iTunes for new episodes every Friday + Like our Facebook Page!

Pizza Rainbow! 23: I’m, Like, Sexually Obsessed With Him

Welcome to Episode 23! This week I mispronounce everything, Jen avoids a cringe guy, and we dish on drag queens, body love, cultural appropriation, Met Gala hits and misses, and feminist themes on Game of Thrones, Inside Amy Schumer, and Mad Men.

Listen now: Pizza Rainbow! 23: I’m, Like, Sexually Obsessed With Him

Check out Math Is Hard.net and/or iTunes for new episodes every Friday + Like our Facebook Page!

The 2015 Fuck It List: #6: Being Consistent About Content

Back in 2014, I posted my 2014 Fuck It List based on and inspired by this most excellent post:

Welcome to my Fuck It list. Fourteen things I’m going to stop giving a fuck about in 2014. Because, as important as it is to push yourself to be a healthier, more compassionate person, that can be downright impossible. Refusing to give a fuck, however, isn’t just easy — it’s kind of awesome.

So fuck it. Here are the fourteen things I’m going to stop worrying about come 2014.

- 14 Fucks I Refuse To Give In 2014

This year, I’ve made a list of 15 Things I Refuse To Give a Fuck About In 2015 (capitalized, because it’s IMPORTANT). But instead of trying to write and post a huge massive manifesto all at once, I decided to instead break my list down into bite-sized pieces.

15 Fucks I Refuse To Give In 2015: #6

Being Consistent About Content

(Note: I thought this was fitting since I haven’t posted in, oh, a month)

For YEARS I’ve been planning on really getting going on posting every single day on my blog. I gotta have consistent content! I should have a blog series, so I can attract more readers to my blog! 

Until I realize: Yo, that’s dumb.

That’s not why I’m blogging, and it definitely isn’t why I started blogging in the first place. I started blogging because I wanted to have a place to write fun stuff and interact with cool peeps who also liked said fun stuff. Obviously it’s easier to sell a ton of books (buy one today!) if you’ve got a huge blog readership…

…but even just writing that feels gross. I also don’t naturally adhere to a daily blogging or writing schedule because I’m an Aquarius Introvert Depressive Weirdo who will be absolutely ON FIAH! for two weeks where I’ll write reams and reams of outlines and book drafts and blog posts and I’ll be having days-long interactions with everyone I know on social media and planning tons of future events and projects…and then the next two weeks I’ll be camped out under my duvet, devouring RuPaul’s Drag Race and every article and post that looks remotely interesting because I’m in the consuming phase instead of the output phase and thus unable to write a single coherent sentence without wanting to smash my laptop against the wall (just kidding, Baby Mac! Momma would NEVER hurt you like that!).

So while I am working on creating more consistency in my personal and creative life, I’m just gonna let go of the sometimes burning need to do something every single day on here. And also, I am happily ignoring every “How To Blog Effectively” article that exists on the internet. Does anyone else read those and feel like they assume readers are non-sentient animals that need carefully scheduled bells and whistles to keep their attention?

I mean, I know the landscape of the internet is changing and our attention spans are shortening and all, but I kind of would prefer to assume that everyone who’s reading this knows how to find a blog to see if there’s a new post up when they’re in the mood for reading what that particular blogger has to say. Shiiiit…I’m capable of tracking down an old high school crush who barely has any social media accounts and finding out where he lives and what he does for work now and if he has a girlfriend…and that’s just during the commercial breaks during Real Housewives of New York. Maybe you guys won’t come to my blog as often if I’m not publishing a new post every day. Maybe some of you like that I only post every so often because you might be one of those mythical creatures who possess that thing called “A Life” and get annoyed when you have always have a shit-ton of catching up to do when it comes to your favorite bloggers. Maybe people don’t even fucking read blogs anymore! Who knows. I’ve been busy watching a hilarious drag queen skewer YouTube Vloggers, for godsakes. It’s like watching No Country For Old Bloggers, you guys.

But I can promise you this: Every single thing that is published here is something I had a blast writing. Which means it’s also something I feel you might have a blast reading.

So you should come back. This blog will be like that girl you’re dating who can’t always go out with you on Saturday nights, but when she can, it’s totally worth it.

(Fun fact: Those girls don’t give head. They don’t have to, fool! You wait around for them even though they can’t go out with you every Saturday night. And don’t think suddenly being smarter about that is going to change anything…

they’ve spent their whole life getting away with not going down. They don’t call it a job for nothin’, and those girls definitely do not work if they don’t have to)

//

What do you refuse to give a fuck about in 2015? 

Pssst: Everyone who comments on any and all 2015 Fuck It List posts will be entered into a drawing to win a $15 Gift Card from Amazon (yes, that’s still happening). 

Pizza Rainbow! 22: Cleavage In The Modern Workplace

This is the stye of dress that Jen and I talk about in the podcast!

Jen and I get right into it by talking about boobs, put a moratorium on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills talk, get serious for a serious minute about the Bruce Jenner interview, talk about boys because of course we do, express some feels about Game of Thrones and Mad Men, and get controversial about the Fuller House reunion!

Listen now: Pizza Rainbow! 22: Cleavage In The Modern Workplace

Check out Math Is Hard.net and/or iTunes for new episodes every Friday + Like our Facebook Page!

Pizza Rainbow! 21: We’re Legal!

After a brief hiatus, we’re are baaaack for their 21st episode, so break out your boxed wines and get ready for some pop culture catch-ups, chats about (new) work and dating dramz, and what it’s like to live fast and take chances when you’re single and childless in your mid-thirties*!

*note: It’s a lot more fun than that makes it sound

Listen now: Pizza Rainbow! 21: We’re Legal!

Check out Math Is Hard.net and/or iTunes for new episodes every Friday + Like our Facebook Page!

Pizza Rainbow! 20: Because I Am a Man, and You Are a Woman

Pizza Rainbow! is a podcast where real teens talk about real teens issues…real teens being two chicks in their mid-thirties named Amber and Jen, and real teen issues being psychopathic killers (fun!); the worst people in America (aka, the stars of Vanderpump Rules, Southern Charm, and some of the chicks on RHBC); the joy of Jen’s southern drawl; using trashy reality TV to take a deep dive into some psychological issues; and catching up on some personal stuff that may or may not make you uncomfortable to listen to.

Listen now: Pizza Rainbow! 20: Because I Am a Man, and You Are a Woman

Check out Math Is Hard.net and/or iTunes for new episodes every Friday + Like our Facebook Page!

‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Season Finale + After The Final Rose: A Boring Conclusion For A Boring Season (+ Bachelorette Controversy!)

Well, friends, we’re finally at the end of our journey… Hope you were ready for a super boring finale in the middle of some cornfields, Bachelor Nation, cause that’s exactly what we got! And fittingly, my recap for it is also going to be super quick, because basically imagine two hours where three boring people talk endlessly about their feelings, and that’s basically it, which does NOT make for a good, action-packed recap.

If we don't have a post-engagement tractor ride into the sunset, then this season will have been a giant waste for everyone. #TheBachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 10, 2015

The Part Where Chris Talks A Lot About His Feelings

So first we find Chris staring moodily across a snow-dusted cornfield, thinking about Whitney and Becca and wondering which one he’ll choose. Except that we all know already who he’s going to choose…we’re just annoyed that *he* doesn’t know and actually thinks that Becca is still a viable choice for him.

Lunch on the Farm With Whitney

Whitney shows up at the family farm with flowers that her dead mom loved, which is sweet, I guess? Then she make the entire family – including Chris’ dad, who is a SILVER FOX, btw – get all weepy up with her lunchtime toast.

Then she sits down with Chris’ three sisters for a lil’ chat about her intentions. Basically they wanna know whether or not she’s okay with giving up her job to move to Arlington, and Whitney tries to stop herself from screaming, “OF COURSE I’M OKAY WITH IT, EVERY GIRL DREAMS OF STAYING HOME WHILE HER MILLIONAIRE HUSBAND PAYS FOR EVERYTHING, BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ADMIT THAT SO LET’S PRETEND THAT I’M A CAREER GIRL WHO’S WILLING TO WORK IT OUT IN THE MEANTIME.”

This is also the part where the entire nation becomes big fans of Lori, Chris’ sister:

Chris's sister is intimidating me. #BachelorFinale

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) March 10, 2015

She’s a badass bitch who wore leather leggings to have lunch with her family. I think she also lives in Ireland, and she’s the one who asks the hard – but smart – questions of Whitney concerning whether or not she thinks that Chris is the right fit for her and her life. I love her. I want her to be my new best friend (just kidding, Katy. She can be BOTH our new best friends!)

Then Whitney talks to Chris’ mom, and says some kind of uncomfortable stuff ala “Are you my new mommy?”, but Chris’ mom is suuuuper adorable so it’s okay.

Then Chris kisses her goodbye and we’re all just kind of like, “Dude, you kiss her like you don’t even really like her” which kind of makes us hate him a little bit.

And then Chris sits in a poleshed with all the male members of his family – as you do – and talks about the fact that Whitney’s perfect for him but he doesn’t like as much as Becca because Whitney’s 100% in and Becca isn’t so he wants Becca more. His brother-in-law calls him out on wanting the thing that he can’t have, and Chris completely shuts down and pretends like he’s not like that even though we all know he is and then we (I) hate him even more.

The 1st part of #TheBachelor is Classic Guy Behavior. First girl is great + totally in. But he still wants the girl who's only 50% in.

— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) March 10, 2015

The Part Where Becca Meets The Family Way Earlier Than She Probably Should Have Because Guess What Guys, She Doesn’t Even Know If She Really Wants Chris To Even Be Her Boyfriend

What you didn't see was Kelsey showing up in between the dates to tell Chris's family her amazing story. #TheBachelor

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) March 10, 2015

So Becca shows up for another Iowan Lunch On The Farm With The Soules Fam the next day, bringing store-bought cookies. Oh boy.

Whitney brought the fam her deceased mom's favorite flowers. Becca brought store bought cookies. #TheBachelor

— Emily L. Foley (@EmilyLFoley) March 10, 2015

The sisters sit down with her to probe her with questions like:

“Do you love him?”

Becca: “I don’t know.”

Sisters: “What’s your favorite thing about Chris?”

Becca: “I don’t know.”

Sisters: “Could you see yourself marrying him?”

Becca: “I don’t know.”

Sisters: “Can you see a future with him?”

Becca: “I don’t know.”

Sisters: “Are you a real person with actual feelings?”

Becca: “I don’t know.”

Lori serves up some delicious dish by telling us that they’re concerned because they’ve already seen one California girl who didn’t want to move to Iowa in the end.

Chris's sister could probably negotiate a nuclear deal with Iran. #BachelorFinale

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) March 10, 2015

Then Chris’ mom sits down with her, and basically tells Becca that missing Chris and not wanting to lose him is “love.” Chris’ mom, you adorable, adorable idiot, you!

BeccaBot understands your human emotions. @beccatilley5 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xlEO3Mi9UL

— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) March 10, 2015

For Becca’s part, she wants to just kind of date long distance and see where things go. Which, like, is totally normal and logical if you’re not on The Bachelor. Chris’ dad basically calls out Chris to us by telling us that Whitney is the perfect match for Chris, but that it appears that he wants Becca more. Then we see Chris have an existential crisis because he wants Becca but she doesn’t know how to feel about it, and the whole thing is super annoying because give it up already, Chris. SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

#TheBachelor is the only place where guys freak out when their girl DOESN'T want to get married and have babies right away.

— West Lee (@NotthatAdamWest) March 10, 2015

The Final Rose Ceremony

Chris dumps Becca.

 

Then he proposes to Whitney.

The End.

Becca didn't make a scrapbook. It was never meant to be. #BachelorFinale

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) March 10, 2015

We won't be that happy when Whitney and Chris make a dozen babies that all have Whitney's voice and Chris's laugh. #BachelorFinale

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) March 10, 2015

After The Final Rose

So leading up to The Final Rose, Harrison tells us that we’re in for an unprecedented twist that will change everything. I *kind* of have an idea of what this is – if you followed my Bachelor Master List, which includes the Twitter accounts of more than a few Bachelor producers, you’d have had an idea, too – but was waiting impatiently throughout the entire episode for it to happen.

Here’s what I was wishing I could fast-forward though:

1) We talk to Becca about her non-existent feelings

2) Chris talks to Becca about her non-existent feelings

3) Chris and Whitney gush a lot about their feelings

4) Jimmy Kimmel gives Chris and Whitney a cow

But I'd be there to make friends RT @elisefoley A Bachelor season with only ladies who recap/livetweet the Bachelor would be fun.

— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) March 10, 2015

Then, FINALLY, the surprise comes – Harrison announces that they couldn’t decide who to pick as the Bachelorette – really? – so they decided to pick both Katilyn AND Britt.

So much duck face.

During the first rose ceremony, the guys will get to vote on which girl they can most see as their wife.

First of all:

I’m calling bullshit on being able to decide. Kaitlyn is clearly the fan favorite (even though she’s not my favorite, but okay)…nobody actually likes Britt anymore. The only reason why a producer wanted her on The Bachelorette is because she’s super gorgeous…but this show is watched by women, and women do not want to watch a show about a girl who’s 10X prettier than they are get showered with attention by 25 hot men. We already did that, it was called high school and now we call the shots! We want incredibly nice, sweet, and/or quirky women who could be us – if only we worked out a little bit more at the gym or got some subtle highlights. The only exception to this rule was Emily, and that was because she had the kind of story that broke America’s heart and was so sweet and funny that you couldn’t hate her even if you wanted to.

Also, I going to totally side with Sean Lowe on the fact that picking two women and letting the guys pick who they want to continue on as Bachelorette is degrading and totally ruins the premise of The Bachelorette. The whole point of The Bachelorette is to give a fan favorite whose heart was at the mercy of The Bachelor the chance to be in the control seat for once. Letting the men once again control the outcome ruins this premise. Also, how humiliating is it going to be for the woman that the guys don’t vote for? That’s bullshit. The other part is the fact that contestants are put through an exhaustive selection process and are hand-picked specifically for the Bachelorette…that has, historically, contributed to the success of The Bachelorette in the past…with this new premise, that’s going to be impossible.

However, I also agree with former Bachelorette Ashley Herbert’s hilarious and hot husband, J.D., who agrees with Sean on all of those but also points out that this premise is going to do the thing it’s supposed to do: Provide much-needed ratings (the past two Bachelorettes had the lowest viewers of the franchise, which I found surprising only because of Andi’s season…I’m not surprised that nobody watched Des’ season because she sucks) and $$.

In my estimation, if they really want to go forward with this premise, then add more men and just have the two women be Bachelorettes together, throughout the whole season. There’s going to be a lot more dramz in having it come down to a narrow number of guys and whether Kaitlyn or Britt wants this one or that one or – gasp! – if they want the same guy at the same time. Put them both in the driver’s seat and make it a team thing for them. It’ll make everyone step up their game and will make for a much more interesting season.

 

What do you guys think? Do you think it should have been Kaitlyn or Britt (or maybe another girl)? Do you like the idea of two Bachelorettes at the same time, or are you on Team Sean? Do you think Chris and Whitney stand a chance, or do you think he’s gonna dump Whitney, sell the farm, and decide to stay in California with Becca? Let’s talk it out! 

Spring Heartbeats

 

Dark blue zip-up hoodies and the lake. Pine trees and cloudy skies. The feeling you get when that boy, the one from cross-country with the brown hair and vintage Nikes, pulls on the strings of his hooded sweatshirt and fixes his blue eyes on you. Knowing that you’re only seventeen and yet still feeling like you have the whole world at your feet. Like you just get everything.

And then, navy blue t-shirts that just say “COLLEGE” and early morning walks down the city block. Mochas and the cloudy skies of spring. The feeling that swells, like hugging yourself from the inside, when his voice softens and lilts, and you’re suddenly smelling woodsmoke and standing across a campfire under a starry night. “In one night…” The universe is full of possibilities, of books and business and boys. You wonder what will happen today, and you’re lucky that way…to know that you’re thirty-two but can still remember exactly how it felt to feel seventeen. You still have the whole world at your feet, and now, really, you get everything.

- Heartbeats, certain things you ought to know

It’s always fascinating to me, how I both know and don’t, when a day or a moment or an experience is going to become cemented in my mind + heart forever.

Little more than four years ago – it seems so crazy, how long ago that is, yet it feels like yesterday – it was a cloudy, cool, early spring day like this one. I had slipped out of bed, thrown on my favorite shirt – a navy blue “COLLEGE” t-shirt that I had gotten in NYC and thought was hilarious – a cute pair of jeans, threw my long hair up into a ponytail, slipped my feet into a pair of sandals, and strolled a couple blocks from my apartment to Muddy Waters (which later that year was replaced by Urban Bean) to grab a mocha. The plan to move up north to my parent’s lakeside cabin for the summer had already been put into place, and walking back, I took in the budding green of the trees and reminded myself to enjoy this while I could…the ability to walk two blocks to a coffeeshop (something I had wanted almost my entire adult life), to be in the middle of Uptown, and live within striking distance to all of my friends. That would all change in less than a month.

I went back to my apartment, sat next to an open window, cued up Heartbeats by José González, and wrote the above story. I remember being filled with a tingling gratitude…I was a handful of months in from having quit my 9-5 therapist gig, and I sat there, drinking my mocha and staring out the windy at the cloudy day, a little giddy that I had the freedom to do all of this. I had an idea that this was going to become a day that I would remember forever, but I didn’t really realize why, or how so. Now I think back on it and remember every detail distinctly, mostly because I can now cite that as one of the last days before the summer (and fall) that would change my entire life.

As I get older, and as I sit here, at my desk by an open window, drinking a latte I made for myself (Bulletproof coffee FTW), I like remembering those things. I like looking back and remembering a day before everything miraculously, magically changed…because sometimes I want to know that those things can still happen. That the memories I’m making today, as I breathe in the early spring air, play Heartbeats on repeat, and hug myself from the inside at the thought of writing all day, might just end up what I remember as Being right before everything changed.

And there’s still a certain gratitude to all of it…being able to simply decide to write all day is not something that will ever, ever get old. I’m really lucky to have this kind of freedom, and I’m really lucky to have days like today to remind me of it.