Kathryn Mockler's Blog, page 14

March 21, 2025

I know so much more about tenderness than I used to.

August 7Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when publishedI read a poem today about a couple on a winter morning, one baking bread, the other shovelling snow,and imagined us for the first timein a different season. saw myself kneading the doughwith both hands. if dough is ready,it springs back when you touch it,stretches thin without breaking –let me shut the door behind you,take the shovel, brush the snowfrom your beard, scarf, shoulders.I know so much more about tendernessthan I used to. my hands are learning to be kinder,reaching for yours across the table, squeezing onceto remind you that this is all real. I feel you squeezing back. yes, there is breadto bake and a sidewalk to clear and a storm on the wind, but I know moreabout patience now, too.about faith. the storm will comeand we will be here, at the table, eating bread with our handswhich belong to each other,watching each snowflake landexactly where it needs to be.

Thanks for reading Send My Love to Anyone! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

Natalie Lim is a Chinese-Canadian poet living on the unceded, traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-Waututh Peoples (Vancouver, BC). She is the winner of the 2018 CBC Poetry Prize and Room magazine’s 2020 Emerging Writer Award, with work published in Arc Poetry Magazine, Best Canadian Poetry 2020 and elsewhere. She is the author of a chapbook, arrhythmia (Rahila's Ghost Press, 2022).Excerpted from Elegy for Opportunity by Natalie Lim. Copyright © 2025 Natalie Lim.Reproduced with permission from Wolsak & Wynn. All rights reserved. Elegy for Opportunity by Natalie Lim Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published Elegy for Opportunity by Natalie LimWolsak & Wynn

Publisher’s Description

In her debut collection, Natalie Lim asks: How do we go on living and loving in a time of overlapping crises? Anchored by elegies for NASA’s Opportunity rover and a series of love poems, this collection explores the tension and beauty of a world marked by grief through meditations on Dungeons & Dragons, Taylor Swift’s cultural impact, the all-engulfing anxiety of the climate crisis and more. Confessional, funny and bursting with joy, Elegy for Opportunity extends a lifeline from Earth that will leave you feeling comforted, challenged and a little less alone in the universe.

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 21, 2025 21:37

March 16, 2025

Why my column is called "Ignore Me"

Ignore Me

Once I went for an early morning walk along a Victoria beach where many like to winter swim.

A swimmer who looked to be in her 80s was walking towards the water wearing a robe.

Nearby a middle-aged woman noticed the swimmer and called out in a cheerful but condescending sing-song voice, “Are you going into the water?”

The swimmer turned back and said, “Yeah.”

She was clearly in no mood for this conversation.

“Have you done this before?” the middle-aged woman inquired like she was talking to a toddler.

The swimmer turned back again and nodded.

“Are you with a group or do you go in on your own?”

Without looking back the swimmer said to the woman, “Ignore me.”

Leave a comment

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 16, 2025 21:12

While I didn’t have wild expectations, I did have some low-bar desires like readers not FUCKING HATING MY BOOK.

Part 2 of My Adventures in Book Publicity!

Check out Part 1 of my Adventures in Book Publicity: Goals

A Loser Before I Got Out of the Gate

I stated in my last post that my goal for my book was connection and that kept me grounded, but I’m not dead inside!

Obviously, on some level, I did want people to like the book or else why bother to write work for an audience or publication?

While I didn’t have wild expectations, I did have some low-bar desires like readers not FUCKING HATING MY BOOK.

The reason I was able to keep focused on connection and not external validation throughout the publicity process is that three terribly disappointing things happened before the book came out.

The Goodreads/Net Galley Reviews

The first one was my fault.

In the lead up to the pub date, I did what everyone tells you NOT to do: I read the Goodreads and NetGalley reviews of the book.

Dear reader, they were not nice.

A one star reviewer wrote:

“I did not finish this book, I got about 30 pages into it, just couldn’t do it. Reminded me of Gabbie Hanna poetry in fiction form, felt very fake deep.”

Another wrote:

“Well, this was just not an easy-to-read "NOVEL" .It was not at all funny, entertaining, or even a point to this. I am afraid I couldn't finish this one.”

And a two-start review read:

“Author Mockler recounts her horrific childhood and young adult years in a series of, as the title says, "anecdotes." Taken as a whole, it's a damning indictment of the systems that are supposed to keep children safe, including family, teachers, and others. That said, I don't understand the hype for the writing, which I found kind of lacking impetus and life.”

I share these god-awful reviews from readers—two of whom did not even finish the book—in the event there is some debut writer out there reading this after checking out their own terrible ARC reviews. Trust me. It is a badge of honour.

I cried and then I laughed. And then I came around to liking the descriptor “fake deep”.

Brushing myself off, I decided I would be “strong” in the face of criticism!

Yeah right.

Not Being Included on a Gigantic List

The second thing that happened was that the book was not included on a huge list.

Now that few media outlets publish reviews, literary spaces at the CBC, The Toronto Star, and The Globe & Mail are filled up with these GIGANTIC lists which basically use the publisher’s back cover copy to describe the book and then claim that these are the season’s “books to watch”. Did AI come up with this list? We’ll never know.

While they make great publicity pieces for writers and publicists to share on social media, they pretty much say nothing about the books.

I rarely get worked up about not being on an actual curated list of say 10, 20, or even 30 books. I mean, it’s all subjective, but, oh man, does it hurt to not be included on a list of 78 of “best” new books of the season by a major media outlet.

Talk about not getting invited to the party!

You can tell yourself the lists are silly and that they include so many books they render themselves meaningless; however, it certainly feels like everyone got a participation ribbon except you when your book is not on a list like that.

And honestly, it does hurt.

But again I was going to be strong in the face of disappointment, I told myself!

Being Forgotten

The final thing that happened prior to the launch of Anecdotes was that a writer I deeply admire accidentally told me they forgot having read my book.

Nothing curbs the ego than a blow like that.

Most writers would rather someone hate their writing than forget it. Unfortunately this sent my fragile ego into a spiral.

I get it though—this writer reads a ton of books. More than I ever could in a year and sometimes you do forget books you read.

I’m actually extremely grateful this happened because it really set my expectations in check, and forced me to GET OVER MYSELF!

Rock Bottom

The publishing roller-coaster had began, and it caught me off guard.

It wasn’t really rock bottom, but in my mind (by the way a writer cannot trust their mind in book launch season), I had hit rock bottom. The book was terrible and everyone hated it, so I really had no where to go but up.

This, my friends, ended up being a really good thing.

And in some weird way it was actually a relief. My worst fears about publishing a book were realized in a short span of time and I didn’t melt or die.

I figured I had two choices—I could crawl into a hole and wait for the launch season to pass or I could pick myself up (even if it hurt and I didn’t feel like it), reframe my purpose, and give the book a chance despite feeling it was a loser before it got out of the gate.

A lot of people had put effort into this book.

This wasn’t just about me.

I thought of my editor Malcolm Sutton who reading typo-riddled draft after typo-riddled draft edited this book with such care and who also designed the best book cover a writer could ask for. Surely I could promote the book based on the cover alone!

I thought of my publishers—Hazel and Jay—and their team who put blood, sweat, and tears into publishing wonderful books and who do so much behind-the-scenes work to get writing into the world that might otherwise not be published (if it were up to, say, a conglomerate).

I thought of my husband who had emotionally supported me throughout the long and difficult writing process and who also had read numerous drafts and provided feedback. Seriously cheers to anyone who has to live with a writer when the writing is not going well!

I thought of the things I was writing about sexual abuse, addiction, climate, oppression—these ideas were important to me and impacted others. Maybe I wrote about them imperfectly, but the ideas in and of themselves were still important.

So I took these thoughts and FORCED myself to change my mindset about the book publicity and how I felt about the book.

Mindset

Even though I find some forms of book promotion fun (social media, making videos, writing essays), I’m actually a person who doesn’t like to draw attention to themselves.

Yes, it’s a contradiction; we are all made of contractions.

So how does someone who gets anxious at drawing attention to themselves show up for their own book especially when they believe the book is terrible and everyone hates it?

I decided that my feelings about the book were going to be irrelevant, and I was going to act as if I were doing book publicity for someone else.

Instead of trying to sell my book for me, which would leave me feeling desperate, self-conscious, and demoralized, I framed my promotion activities as being in service of supporting my publisher.

Book*hug is an independent press who publishes politically relevant writing. Check out books by , Jacob Wren, Anita Anand,, Shani Mootoo, Zoe Whittall, Ben Ladouceur and vital translations of Caroline Dawson, Chantal Neveu, and Bertrand Laverdure to see what kind of cool shit they publish.

I believe what they do is important, and it is one of the reasons I wanted to work with them on this book.

If they don’t sell books, they can’t do their great work. So I felt a responsibility to contribute to the press that was supporting my writing.

This mindset shifted everything for me and helped me be less self-conscious when it came to promoting myself because I wasn’t doing it just for me.

This allowed me to take wild creative risks like making this really foolish and embarrassing promotional video that ended up doing pretty well on Instagram.

Turning off the tap of my very all-over-the-place feelings allowed me to do the work I needed to do.

While I cannot tell an author to not feel discouraged when upsetting things happen, I can say with confidence that it is in the realm of possibility to show up for your book and your self-promotion even when you feel shitty and when you feel like all hope is lost.

Ask yourself why is this book important to you? And how would you promote your book if you weren’t the author of it?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Leave a comment

Check out Part 1 of My Adventures in Book Publicity

Part 3 coming soon!

Kathryn Mockler is the author of the story collection Anecdotes (Book*hug Press, 2023), which won the 2024 Victoria Butler Book Prize and was a finalist for the 2024 Trillium Book Award, 2023 Danuta Gleed Literary Award, 2024 Fred Kerner Award, and 2024 VMI Besty Warland Between Genres Award. She co-edited the print anthology Watch Your Head: Writers and Artists Respond to the Climate Crisis (Coach House Books, 2020). Her films have screened at TIFF, EMFA, the Palm Springs Film Festival and most recently at the Arizona Underground Film Festival and REELPoetry/HoustonTX. She runs the literary newsletter Send My Love to Anyone and teaches screenwriting and fiction in the Writing Department at the University of Victoria.Featured Campaign - RAVEN

RAVEN, supports Indigenous Justice by raising legal defence funds for Indigenous Peoples in Canada to defend rights and the integrity of lands and cultures.

Consider making a donation to RAVEN today!

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 16, 2025 11:58

March 10, 2025

📬 Send My Love to Anyone with Maggie Helwig, Tanis MacDonald, Susan Sanford Blades, Kevin Spenst, and Kirby

Hello SMLTA Readers,

Well this is a big issue with a new essay by Tanis MacDonald on the fraught world of literary citizenship, fiction by Susan Sanford Blades, an excerpt from Maggie Helwig’s new book, Encampment, and two poems from Kevin Spenst’s recent poetry collection.

Plus two essays from Kirby and two essays from me.

And I’ve just learned how to do table of contents! Exciting!

Hope you enjoy!

Kathryn

Issue 44 ContentsThe First Time

Don’t fuck with me, fellas! by

66 (or, as I like to call it), "Sexy Sex" by

Nonfiction

Excerpt from Encampment: Resistance, Grace, and an Unhoused Community by Maggie Helwig

Words Count

Unread: A River by

Fiction

Of Monsters and Dolls by

Poetry

Two poems from A Bouquet Brought Back from Space by

Books

Poets, put your books in the hands of your neighbours’ children by Kathryn Mockler

I wrote two blurbs this season one for A Song for Wildcats by Caitlin Galway and the other for Iris and the Dead by Miranda Schreiber

Ignore Me

On Not Wanting Children by Kathryn Mockler

Gatherings

Junction Reads, Wild Prose Readings, Mary Turfah, Deborah Dundas interviews Omar El Akkad, Remembering Canadian artist Kelly Mark, fiction by Amber Nuyens, Hannah Black, David Lynch & more!

Send My Love to Anyone is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support this project, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The First TimeNonfiction
I am writing this because I want you to understand my world, the world I live in, and the world I live alongside. I have been an Anglican priest since 2012; I have been the priest at St. Stephen-in-the-Fields, in Kensington Market in Toronto, since 2013. We have had, I guess somewhat famously, an encampment in our churchyard since about the spring of 2022, although there was no single clear point when it began, and it is tied up with events and choices going back for years, and is perhaps ultimately the responsibility of the poet and theologian Rowan Williams, who was once the Archbishop of Canterbury. I am writing this because I want you to understand that this is a world of real people, who struggle and are kind, who are often special and beautiful in ways that most of our society cannot and does not try to understand. I want you to understand that I have felt safer here than in most other places, hard as it has sometimes been.","size":"md","isEditorNode":true,"title":"I am writing this because I want you to understand my world, the world I live in, and the world I live alongside.","publishedBylines":[],"post_date":"2025-03-03T04:41:54.182Z","cover_image":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f..., Art & Hybrid Works","id":156584914,"type":"newsletter","reaction_count":0,"comment_count":0,"publication_name":"Send My Love to Anyone","publication_logo_url":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f... Count
Maybe you’re like me; for decades I have remembered to pay my literary dues. To read, to review, to mentor, to teach, to praise the work of others with a glad heart, all while writing, re-writing, learning and unlearning bad habits, fostering better habits, thinking well and less well, and generally not worrying about making an impact on the literary scene because any opinion that an impact has been made is always the decision of other people. Like many of us, while waiting for eyes on my work, I just due it.

And I’m not always – let me extend that to not often – read.","size":"md","isEditorNode":true,"title":"So I’m thinking about literary citizenship and its vicissitudes; that is, how paying dues is both necessary and fraught.","publishedBylines":[{"id":23973556,"name":"Tanis MacDonald","bio":"Tanis MacDonald is the author of Straggle: Adventures in Walking While Female, and six other books. ","photo_url":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazon... MacDonald","primaryPublicationId":4181531}],"post_date":"2025-02-28T08:51:08.775Z","cover_image":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f... Count","id":156429905,"type":"newsletter","reaction_count":0,"comment_count":0,"publication_name":"Send My Love to Anyone","publication_logo_url":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f...
In my little life
I hope to hold
some wonder —
like so many","size":"md","isEditorNode":true,"title":"In my little life / I hope to hold /\nsome wonder","publishedBylines":[],"post_date":"2025-02-21T01:15:54.022Z","cover_image":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f... ","id":157235954,"type":"newsletter","reaction_count":0,"comment_count":0,"publication_name":"Send My Love to Anyone","publication_logo_url":"https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f... & FilmsIgnore MeGatherings
 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 10, 2025 22:01

"Don't fuck with me, fellas!"

Two of the prettiest, gayest, queer, smart, sexy, colourful, playful, fun-loving places I cherish on earth are being vandalized by nazi-hate graffiti —“PEDO FILTH” spray-painted on their front door/windows — calling the businesses “child groomers” and for the “extermination” of queer people.

“We also had to cancel an event in November due to the potential of anti-trans protesters showing up. As much as we will persist and continue to be a space that offers safety and comfort for marginalized folks, this rise in aggressive bigoted behaviour towards queer life is absolutely concerning.” - Facebook post by Glitter Bean Café

Always bustling, welcoming, meeting/serving it’s loyal fans, the Glitter Bean Café is the local, a vital community hub, the buzz of all things happening in the city. A queer safe haven of coffee, gatherings, artists, events, and lip-smack’n treats where I’ll meet Sue Goyette for a cuppa while I’m in town.

A platter of colourful vibrators at Venus Envy Platter du jour at Venus Envy Halifax

They, along with my darlin’s at that rainbow palace of ultimate delights, vibrating with joy and good reads, backed by a learned, knowledgable sex-positive supportive staff at Venus Envy HFX, again, one of our most essential hubs—I would even say Queer-Fucking-Central—in Downtown Halifax. My tongue hardens, my orifices come alive, my brain cells activate as they will when her imagination is completely LIT!!! Venus Envy is my playhouse! My “Pink Pony Club!” Ry & Rachele & Christine & the entire gang are on the frontline as the hotline of all sexualities and bodies in wonderment. And do so cleanly, responsibly, with regard for the inquisitive and knowledgeable alike. For so many that front door at VE is the first to be opened by queers of all ages. So, yes, you best believe it’s a “gateway,” to make informed choices for a more pleasurable existence.

An entrance now marked, defaced by the hate-filled. Those who wish us dead.

This brilliant, must-read response post on Venus Envy’s website:*

So, is there really a 2SLGBTQIA+ agenda then? Sure. It is the dream of a world in which kids are safe and free to explore who they are, who they want to be, their interests, their self-expression, and to be regarded as people with bodily autonomy, not property. The need for inclusive school environments and education is so that all children may see themselves and their experiences reflected and not fear those who are different. Comprehensive and age-appropriate sex education teaches kids and teens about their bodies, social and physical changes that come with growing up, gender identity, healthy relationships, consent, and safer sex. Access to this information gives kids the knowledge to identify appropriate versus inappropriate interactions with others, including adults. Ignorance, misinformation, and lack of information are factors that can actually make children and teenagers vulnerable to very real harm whether that is from others or to themselves. For more on this, please read this statement from YWCA Halifax.

As Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford famously said to a bunch of vipers at a Pepsi board meeting, “DON’T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS!” (I know. She’s old-school gay).

My world is held together knowing such places as the Glitter Bean & Venus Envy not only exist, but thrive. These are not only businesses, they are social enterprises providing what is vital to our very being. Space. Place. Information. Community. Goodness.

I hoping to return sometime soon, in person, this year to mount something special in support/celebration of, but for now, I’m launching a new EP, My Happy Place with three new tracks/recordings on Bandcamp from my upcoming follow-up to Poetry is Queer, FAIRY. All sales* go directly to Venus Envy’s “Pay It Forward” initiative you can read more about here.

There will also be a free “Listening Party” at Bandcamp where we can listen to the tracks and engage with each other “live” 21 March at 7pm [Toronto time] RSVP.

And, Glitter Bean has it’s own bright progressive option in store where you can purchase coffee/s in advance for those in need these difficult times.

Of course, both businesses are grateful for your continued love and support, as I’ve always said, “support where you live what you love .” (More info on how you can support our beloved Glitter Bean here.)

And know, there’s a queen on Church Street in TO who’s got your back.

Kirby seated with their book Kirby “Poetry is Queer” at Venus Envy HFX

*In fact, all sales from anything you purchase to download at my Bandcamp site (through the end of April 2025) will go directly to Venus Envy’s “Pay It Forward” initiative. #SupportWhereYouLiveWhatYouLove

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 10, 2025 20:39

March 9, 2025

Iris and the Dead by Miranda Schreiber

I wrote a blurb for this wonderful book by Miranda Schreiber.

Iris and the Dead is an unsettling story of an exploitative relationship, blurred boundaries, intergenerational trauma, a fraught medical system, and the shifting landscape of mental illness and recovery. This moving and meditative queer coming-of-age tale is written in lyrical prose vignettes that embrace desire, menace, and myth. Miranda Schreiber’s debut is as fierce as it is mesmerizing. A gorgeous book that will appeal to readers of Carmen Maria Machado and Daisy Johnson.

Iris and the Dead by Miranda Schreiber Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published Iris and the Dead by Miranda SchreiberBook*hug Press, 2025

Purchase Iris and the Dead

Publisher’s Description

This haunting exploration of love and desire, disability and madness, and trauma and recovery, is a diaristic marvel for fans of Annie Erneaux.

Weaving personal memory with magic realism and folklore, Iris and the Dead asks: What if you could look back and tell someone exactly how they changed the course of your life?

For our narrator, that someone is Iris, the counsellor with whom she developed an unusual, almost violent bond. There are things she needs to tell Iris: some that she hid during the brief time they knew each other, and some that she has learned since. She was missing her mind the autumn they spent together and has since regained it.

Iris and the Dead unfurls the hidden power dynamics of abuse, offering a beguiling inquiry into intergenerational trauma, moral ambiguity, and queer identity.

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 09, 2025 19:49

I’m into book publicity because it’s something that I weirdly enjoy. I don’t hate or dread it. I find it fun to come up with ways to reach readers. I’m an outlier.

Book Publicity

Now that it’s a little over a year and a half since my debut story collection came out, I want reflect on what went well and what I would do differently in hopes that it will help others especially small press traditionally published authors.

I also want to help myself remember for my next book! How quickly we forget these things once we stop doing them.

Publicity can be a touchy subject for authors. Some don’t think it is their job—although their publishing contract would likely disagree. Most of us have signed contracts that indicate that we do have be involved in some form of promotion and be available for interviews, podcasts, festivals, etc.

But how do you get those publicity opportunities without some self-promotion—especially if

you don’t have an agent,

aren’t with a big five press,

aren’t a famous author, and

don’t have unlimited time, money, and resources?

I’m not here to convert anyone on the virtues of self-promotion. I’m just going to outline what I did and what I would do differently.

I’m into publicity because it’s something that I weirdly enjoy. I don’t hate or dread it. I find it fun to come up with ways to reach readers.

I’m an outlier. I know.

I probably like publicity because I’ve run literary journals and for a short time ran private writing workshops and studied marketing. Once I learned how to promote other writers and my courses, I applied that knowledge to myself. I also l have a community-focused approach to my literary life which makes self-promotion more enjoyable.

I’m in the small/independent press traditionally published literary world although much of my advice can apply to writers involved in any type of publishing. [Incidentally has a very handy template about the different publishing paths that you should check out if you are not sure what world you are in or want to be in.]

While Anecdotes was my debut short fiction collection, I am the author of five other poetry collections (3 full length and one co-authored chapbook which were traditionally published and one self-published collection) and I’m also a screenwriter and experimental filmmaker.

Naively I thought I had a handle on my own self-promotion. And while I did to some extent (I’ve run online journals since 2011 and this newsletter since 2021) in the end

I took on more than I could handle,

was not able to execute all of my plans, and

I burned out.

So there are a couple of things that I would do differently the next time around.

If you have a book that is timely or highly anticipated or you are famous then you probably don’t need to be involved so much in trying to generate publicity. Your press or agent will be able to deal with it and just send the requests your way.

Lucky you!

But for most of us, we have to do something to get our work out to readers and to generate some interest.

When writing about self-promotion, book publicity, and marketing from an author’s point of view, I struggled to figure out where to enter this discussion because there are about ten different entry points. No wonder book promotion is so overwhelming for authors!

Like where the hell do you start when there is so much to do?

It’s sort of like planning a never-ending wedding—not that I would know—I got married in Las Vegas!

So, I have decided to get to the very heart of the matter and begin with goals.

Send My Love to Anyone is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support this project, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Goals

The great thing about goals is that you get to set your own.

By my own standards (i.e. my goals—not comparing with others) Anecdotes exceeded my expectations. It won an award and was nominated for four others. It received reviews and it got some attention—podcasts, social media, and most exciting to me it sold out a couple of modest print runs. My goal with this project was to connect with readers around shared concerns and to that extent I achieved my goal.

Others have more lofty aspirations which is fine. Bigger awards, more money, attract agents, etc.

The great thing about goals is that you get to set your own.

I like to have low expectations to avoid disappointment. I also like to have my literary goals not focused on external validation but rather on connection with others and connection to the reason why I’m writing the book in the first place.

This attitude took me years to come to after many disappointments and self-perceived failures including self-perceived failures before this book even launched.

But focusing on connection was what helped me stay grounded.

My writing is political, feminist, anti-empire, etc., so finding readers who care about those things is the most important thing to me especially during these years of climate and social collapse.

*

It may sound tacky but self-promotion can begin years before your book is finished.

I had initially submitted Anecdotes as poetry but quickly realized it was a book of prose and flash fiction. My publishers agreed but the book needed to be extended. I signed the contract with a small advance in 2019 with a projected publishing date of fall 2021. And then as we all know, the pandemic hit in early 2020. I could not write during this time and entered one of my most terrifying bouts of writer’s block I’ve ever experienced. Prior to this I didn’t really believe in writer’s block—but during the pandemic, I definitely had it. Book*hug was accommodating and allowed me to delay publication, which I am eternally grateful for because it gave me the room to write the book I wanted and needed to write.

Knowing I had a book on the way (even if I had trouble writing it) and a future but unknown publication date, gave me time to think about how I would promote the book that I couldn’t write. Even though this very specific and weird situation happened to me, others can learn from it.

If you know you want to have a book published in the future, it is never too early to think about self-promotion. I self-promoted years early because of my writer’s block, but I will take this knowledge with me for future books. With my poetry books, I never thought about self-promotion until about three months before the books came out which is far too late.

Because I used to teach private online workshops and had studied marketing, I knew that the most valuable thing to a marketer is having an email list. I had several but legally (due to anti-spam laws) you can’t convert these addresses for a different purpose. I couldn’t for instance suddenly start spamming The Rusty Toque or my writing workshop list with emails about my own writing. You can send one email inviting subscribers to your new list and then you have to suck it up if they don’t want to come along. And many—actually most—don’t.

I don’t remember how I even heard about literary newsletters, but I thought it might be a good idea to start a to help me out of this terrible writer’s block. My goal was to write about the writing process and my block and begin to develop an email list.

Of course, I don’t like anything to be just about me, so I quickly invited others to contribute guest posts and interviews, and before I knew it, I was running a literary newsletter—a hybrid of a personal newsletter and a literary journal.

I do NOT recommend every writer start an online journal!

This is a tremendous amount of work—made a little easier for me because I had done it before. I support and publish other writers because it is something I like to do. It is not transactional; I don’t do it to get something from others. This kind of excessive community effort is not always in my own best interest because it sets my own writing back. But I was desperate to connect with others and engage in an activity that felt normal during very uncertain times. This is how Send My Love to Anyone came to be in January 2021.

I will write more about email lists and newsletters later, but right now I want to focus on goals.

When you have a serious intention, this can propel you to take the necessary actions to achieve that goal.

I’m a big believer in goal setting. When you have a serious intention, this can propel you to take the necessary actions to achieve that goal. If you put on your running shoes, you’re more likely to go out for that run or walk.

My overall goal for my writing is not literary or material success (I mean I wouldn’t turn down money or fame but I don’t really think it’s possible with the kind of writing I do and what I’m interested in), but rather my goal is to connect with other people and readers about issues I care about out such as patriarchal violence, the climate crisis, addiction, oppression. So it makes sense that my “marketing” was and is community focused because that is my main goal in life and my values.

It wasn’t always that way. At other points in my life I was driven by delusions of grandeur or desperate for external validation. And sometimes that still slips in when I’m not attending to my larger goals.

Apparently I have also now entered the “fuck you 50s” (an expression I recently learned) where I don’t care about the things I used to think were important.

Wherever you are in your writing journey, think about what your goals are. What do you really want out of this?

Hopefully you can move beyond external validation earlier than I did and to something more meaningful about the work you are writing.

In Part 2, I will focus on Mindset.

What are your goals for your book or writing? Share in the comments!

Leave a comment

Kathryn Mockler is the author of the story collection Anecdotes (Book*hug Press, 2023), which won the 2024 Victoria Butler Book Prize and was a finalist for the 2024 Trillium Book Award, 2023 Danuta Gleed Literary Award, 2024 Fred Kerner Award, and 2024 VMI Besty Warland Between Genres Award. She co-edited the print anthology Watch Your Head: Writers and Artists Respond to the Climate Crisis (Coach House Books, 2020). Her films have screened at TIFF, EMFA, the Palm Springs Film Festival and most recently at the Arizona Underground Film Festival and REELPoetry/HoustonTX. She runs the literary newsletter Send My Love to Anyone and teaches screenwriting and fiction in the Writing Department at the University of Victoria.Featured Campaign - The Sameer Project

Each edition of this book promotion for authors series will feature a campaign or organization close to my heart that I will donate to and hope you will join me.

The Refaat Alareer Camp - by The Sameer Project

The Sameer Project, a grassroots aid organization led by four Palestinians in the diaspora, is proud to announce our first tent encampment project that provides shelter and specialized support to displaced families in Central Gaza.

Donate to the Refaat Alareer Camp.

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 09, 2025 11:40

March 8, 2025

On Not Wanting Children

I like to share my personal essay “On Not Wanting Children” on International Women’s Day.

Originally published in Catapult Magazine in 2022, this is an evergreen piece for those who have never wanted children and feel like there are few places to discuss this experience.

Thanks for reading Send My Love to Anyone! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

Why are the childfree by choice such a threat?

When you tell people that you don’t want children, they often look for a reason for it to make sense to them. You must hate children or you must have something very wrong with you. Sometimes they’ll take your declaration as a criticism of their own life choices or circumstances and become defensive.

If you are still in your childbearing years, things get even more personal: Many people will tell you that you’ll change your mind or you’ll feel differently about your own. Others love to share their story about how they once felt like you but their lives changed for the better when they had children. Consequently, for most of my life, I’ve not talked about it.

Ouiji Board Photo by James Frid

My earliest and most vivid memory of knowing that I did not want children occurred during a Ouija-board session when I was ten. The Ouija board predicted I would be married with two kids, while my best friend would be a magazine editor in New York.

“I don’t want that life!” I was furious at the Ouija board and secretly hoped my friend was moving the planchette to give herself what I considered a better future.

“You don’t have to have that life. It’s not written in stone,” she said.

I won’t, I remember thinking.

There are myriad ways to be in the world. Parenthood is just one of them, and, while it happens to be the choice for the majority of the population, that number is going down as more people are electing to not have children. The birth rate has been steadily declining in the US since 2014 and in Canada since 2009. According to a 2021 Pew research poll, “Some 44% of [US] nonparents ages 18 to 49 say it is not too or not at all likely that they will have children someday.” Fifty-six percent of these nonparents younger than fifty cite “not wanting to” as the main reason for their choice.

Many people will tell you that you’ll change your mind or you’ll feel differently about your own.

Recently, I googled the question “What is another word for childless?” A site called WordHippo came up with a long list that included infertile, barren, unfruitful, empty, dreary, hollow, uninteresting, worthless, and so on.

Normally I wouldn’t take a site like this seriously, but the combination of the negative implications of the existing words and the absence of a word that adequately described my relationship with nonparenthood struck me deeply. These words are exactly how society treats people with uteruses who don’t have offspring. The connotations of this language make me never want to talk or write about this subject again, and yet I’m compelled to because, when I was weighing this choice, I longed to hear stories like mine.

*

I am old enough to remember when access to abortion was restricted in Canada. Before 1988, when the law was struck down, therapeutic abortion could only be performed in a hospital and had to be approved by a committee who believed the mother’s health was in danger. Interpretations of “in danger” varied wildly, and access to abortion was neither consistent nor equitable across the country. It often still isn’t, as access is largely dependent on proximity to an urban center.

Having few abortion options made getting pregnant in the mid-1980s one of the worst things that could happen as a teenager—so much so that when I was fourteen and started dating my first boyfriend, my mother said, “Whenever you want to, I’ll take you to the doctor to get the pill.”

I was mortified. “But I’m not even having sex!”

Two years and another boyfriend later, I got on the pill myself. One day my mother saw the birth control package in my room and said, “Oh. Good.”

Years later, as a young adult, I still thought getting pregnant was one of the worst things that could happen to me, and this feeling didn’t dissipate once I got married at the age of twenty-five. My partner Dave and I got married in Las Vegas as a way to celebrate our relationship, not as a precursor to having children. Although we assumed that we might have kids someday, we didn’t talk about it or plan for it.

Since Dave and I only had ourselves to consider, we were able to support each other fully in our creative lives, he as an artist and me as a writer. We moved across the country and back multiple times for school or to take advantage of creative or teaching opportunities—even if it meant more debt, temporary separation, or unemployment. No matter where we lived, we always had an active social life. The majority of people we hung around were writers, filmmakers, and artists of varying ages. Some had kids, others didn’t. While I was happy for my friends and family who had children, I still did not pine for my own.

For the rest of my twenties and into my thirties, I had no biological yearnings and experienced zero family pressure.

At one point when we were in our early thirties, Dave wondered if we should think about having kids, and I said, “I’m not ready,” ending the discussion before it could start.

In my midthirties––the time when many people are having or preparing to have children––I quit my sessional teaching job so I could attend the Canadian Film Centre’s screenwriting program and immerse myself in the film world. Because I never thought about having children, I never worried about whether it would impact my writing.

But at the age of thirty-six, I was jarred when a gynecologist said, unprompted and unrelated to the reason for my visit: “If you’re planning on having children, don’t wait. This isn’t going to last forever.”

For the first time in my adult life, I said out loud, “I don’t want children.”

“You better be sure about that,” she said, which sounded less like advice and more like a threat.

Her statement, although it irritated me, prompted me to ask Dave, when I got home, if we were going to have kids. He wasn’t sure he wanted them, and I still wasn’t ready.

But in case I changed my mind, I thought I should take prenatal vitamins. The vitamins were horse-pill­-sized capsules from the health food store that I tried to gag down unsuccessfully. How would I ever be a parent if I couldn’t even swallow this pill? After a while, I stopped trying. The prenatal vitamins stayed on the kitchen counter, then migrated to the cupboard under the bathroom sink, where they expired and were eventually thrown out.

*

Because we were ambivalent, Dave and I didn’t talk about parenting again until the fall of 2013, when we went to see Linda Griffiths’s play Heaven Above, Heaven Below in Toronto. The play is about an ex-couple who meet up at the wedding of a mutual friend and revisit their past relationship and her abortion twenty years earlier. While he is now a parent, she is not.

Dave and I were unusually quiet on the walk home. Although the play didn’t depict our experience exactly, it had deeply affected us. I felt simultaneously glad I didn’t have children and wondered if I would regret it. Suddenly, making this decision became pressing. By that point I was in my early forties and probably only had a couple years left to even try. If I couldn’t get pregnant, there was no money for fertility treatments. We were still paying off student-loan debt. The only way we could have afforded a child would be to move in with my mother, and I was not prepared to make that sacrifice.

Did I really want to become pregnant? I did not. As someone who lives with a chronic illness, I would not fare well during a geriatric pregnancy, the term for anyone over thirty-five who becomes pregnant. The times in my life when I had pregnancy scares, I always knew I would abort.

But despite my reservations about pregnancy, now that the choice was soon to be taken out of my control, all of society’s motherhood projections began to haunt me: Who will help me in my old age? Am I being selfish? Why have I never had an urge to become a mother? Does my life have purpose? Is there something terribly wrong with me? In her essay “Beyond Beyond Motherhood,” Jeanne Safer describes exactly how I felt: “I don’t really want to have a baby. I want to want to have a baby. I long to feel like everybody else.”

Choosing not to be a parent can be extremely isolating. Between the limited vocabulary for describing the experience and few established communities and support networks for people who make that choice, it was clear to me that society did not want to make room for this way of being.

I was desperate to find other women to talk to who did not want children but who had some mixed feelings as they were approaching the end of their reproductive years. Eventually I found a forum for “childfree women,” which was the first time I had heard that term. The site used the categories “childfree by choice” and “childfree by circumstance,” implying the group members were accepting of both situations. I went to one of the local meetups at a coffee shop, hoping to have nuanced discussions about the tension between gendered societal pressure and not feeling any desire to have children.

All of the women present had what are usually considered “legitimate” reasons for not having kids—infertility, no partner, other family responsibilities. They bonded over their search for partners, fertility treatments, and their exclusion from family and society. When I introduced myself as someone who never wanted or tried to have children with my husband and had no family pressure to do so, they turned on me. One gasped. Another said, “What a waste,” and the rest became unfriendly. I left feeling confused and even more alone.

A year or so later, Dave declared out of the blue that he was no longer undecided. He had been thinking about this for some time, reflecting on his childhood, and he realized that he did not want a child. At all. Not biologically and not by adoption, something we had also been considering.

Between my age and Dave’s realization, the choice I theoretically could have made at any time in the previous twenty-two years was no longer available to me. While I wasn’t particularly surprised by Dave’s statement, it was the finality of this decision that shook me. Suddenly, the fear of missing out gripped me like it never had.

But Dave and I had been together for over two decades, and our relationship meant more to me than having a baby. While I knew there was room for negotiation, I decided not to try. He had been abandoned by his father when he was younger, and, at the time, I was estranged from mine. I would never choose to bring a child into the world if there was a risk they would be unwanted. Nor would I make the person I care for most have a child he did not want.

With the decision finally made, I descended into the grief another childfree friend had described—not just grieving the baby I wouldn’t have, but the loss of future relationships as it would grow. I felt disconnected from the world. I was mad at Dave and mad at myself.

Although the grief did pass, it was not quite in the way I expected it to. In 2018, when the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) announced that the world had twelve years to slow global warming, I felt a deep despair (and still do) for the planet and the children who would come of age into this chaos. This crisis felt like it let me off the hook for not wanting children, and after the IPCC report, I was never conflicted about it again. Instead, I was relieved and grateful I could invest my energy into environmental activism.

*

Despite my relief, being childfree still was not something I felt I could discuss openly. One need look no further than the Catholic Church to see how the childfree are treated. In 2015, Pope Francis, during a speech about the joys of having children, said that “the choice not to have children is selfish” and later went on to say that a marriage that does not produce children “comes to old age in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness.”

Accusations of selfishness, threats of loneliness, and warnings about dying alone are often hurled at childfree people. In fairy tales, childfree women are cannibalistic witches, pitiable old maids, or abusive stepmothers. In film and television, childfree women are portrayed as shallow, child-hating, career-focused, or insane. While there are some notable exceptions of childfree TV characters who remain childfree throughout a series—Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore), Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy), Issa Dee (Insecure)—often on mainstream television, childfree women succumb to motherhood by the end of the series. The most egregious and infuriating example of this in recent history is Penny and Bernadette in The Big Bang Theory—neither of whom wanted to be mothers but who conveniently changed their minds by the finale, further reinforcing the cliché that women don’t know their own desires and cannot be fulfilled until they are mothers.

Despite my relief, being childfree still was not something I felt I could discuss openly.

When I was in my childbearing years, these attitudes were pervasive. I would be having a chat about the weather when suddenly a neighbor felt the need to say, “You’ll never experience true love until you’ve been a parent.” Or a friend would note, “You would be such a good mother.” Often I would hear the dismissive, “You’ll change your mind.” Another common refrain is “You’ll regret it.” People often like to use the word regret in relation to people who are childfree by choice when in fact studies show that few childfree women regret their choices, unlike many parents who do.

When I get the do-you-have-kids question now, and I cheerfully say, “No, I didn’t want children,” the reaction is much different than when I was younger. It’s like people don’t know what to make of me. Who am I if I am not someone’s mother? They will end the conversation quickly or become cold. It doesn’t matter if it’s an acquaintance or a stranger. Recently I interacted with a nurse who had this reaction. Suddenly all the warmth and familiarity vanished, and I became someone with whom they could no longer relate.

Why such an interest in our lives? Why are the childfree by choice such a threat?

*

The two most common words for a person who does not have children are childless and childfree, with the latter connoting choice and the former, circumstance. Not everyone accepts or identifies with these terms; some call themselves nonparents, NotMom, or aunty, or they don’t wish to be labeled at all.

The reason I had been looking for another word for childless is because I flat-out rejected the term childfree to describe myself. The word had always bugged me. It seemed mean or smug or suggested that I hated children. But recently, I learned that’s not the case.

In her book Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence, sociologist Dr. Amy Blackstone notes that early use of the word childfree dates back to the 1970s by the National Organization for Non-Parents (NON), founded by Ellen Peck and Shirley Radl. “As parenthood became increasingly viewed as a choice rather than a destiny,” Blackstone explains, “the term childfree emerged to differentiate those who had chosen nonparenthood from those for whom childlessness was not a choice.”

By dismissing the word and being more concerned about maintaining the perception that I don’t hate children, I denied myself language that describes my experience.

After reading Childfree by Choice, I realized I had unwittingly participated in the pronatalist agenda, which Blackstone describes as the “political, ideological, and religious systems designed to encourage childbearing and retain high birth rates within nation states.” Pronatalism is the reason behind the negative depictions of childfree women in art, literature, and media; the attempt to control reproductive health (through anti-abortion laws or prohibiting the voluntary sterilization of people with uteruses); the social pressure to reproduce; and the deliberate ostracization of those who don’t. Even the myth of a woman’s biological ticking clock is rooted in pronatalism, ­­which Moira Weigel writes about in her book Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating.

I now use childfree to describe myself and make no apology for it. In fact, I feel more comfortable with childfree as a self-identifier than even the word woman because of our culture’s insistence on equating womanhood with motherhood.

These days, there’s a delightful childfree movement afoot. Search the hashtag #childfree on any platform and you’ll find people celebrating their lives, dispelling myths, advocating for reproductive rights, pushing back against gender stereotypes, and supporting one another. There are childfree-by-choice communities for specific identities, attitudes, or circumstances and a rich body of work on the subject. Sheila Heti’s 2019 book Motherhood grapples with this decision in the context of being a writer. Houreidja Tall writes in a 2021 Harper’s Bazaar article about the issues that Black childfree women face. Therese Shechter’s 2021 documentary, My So-Called Selfish Life, explores the right to choose to not be a mother. It’s exciting to see these discussions happening and communities forming in more mainstream spaces.

There is a great deal of freedom in writing about my childfree choices at the end of my reproductive years. No one can say you’ll change your mind or you’ll regret it. People might not know how to react to me, but I don’t have to deal with their condescension anymore.

This doesn’t mean I haven’t had mixed emotions along the way, or that I haven’t been affected by society’s gender expectations. But I did come out on the other side. I am living a meaningful and fulfilling life as a person who didn’t want to be a parent, who didn’t have children, and who doesn’t regret the decision. The only thing I do regret is that I didn’t talk about it sooner.

Eventually Dave and I even gained a sense of humor about it. When our neighbors got engaged, they asked us the secret to our long relationship. Perhaps they hoped to glean some hard-earned wisdom about trust or commitment, but, much to our amusement and likely their horror, we both blurted at the same time, “We didn’t have children.”

Originally published in Catapult Magazine in 2022. Edited by Tajja Isen

Leave a comment

If you enjoyed this essasy, you can also check out my latest book Anecdotes, a hybrid, experimental, autofictional collection of short stories.

Anecdotes by Kathryn Mockler Kathryn Mockler is the author of the story collection Anecdotes (Book*hug Press, 2023), which won the 2024 Victoria Butler Book Prize and was a finalist for the 2024 Trillium Book Award, 2023 Danuta Gleed Literary Award, 2024 Fred Kerner Award, and 2024 VMI Besty Warland Between Genres Award. She co-edited the print anthology Watch Your Head: Writers and Artists Respond to the Climate Crisis (Coach House Books, 2020) and runs the literary newsletter Send My Love to Anyone. She teaches screenwriting and fiction in the Writing Department at the University of Victoria.

Send My Love to Anyone is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 08, 2025 13:15

March 7, 2025

My earliest foray into autofiction from one of my old public school composition notebooks.

My earliest foray into autofiction from one of my old public school composition notebooks.

One of the interesting things about this is that the tone and style is not all that different from my writing today.

ID: Once when I was about two years old and I had a babysitter and she put a rope around my waist and tied the other end to a clothesline, so she tied me up like a dog. When my mom came home and saw me tied up she was very mad and that babysitter never came back.

ID: Once when I was about two years old and I had a babysitter and she put a rope around my waist and tied the other end to a clothesline, so she tied me up like a dog. When my mom came home and saw me tied up she was very mad and that babysitter never came back.

If you enjoy my ramblings on notes or my SMLTA column Ignore Me, you can also check out my latest book Anecdotes, a hybrid, experimental, autofictional collection of short stories which won the Victoria Butler Book Award in 2024

Here’s what readers are saying about Anecdotes including my mom who writes “Oh dear, you’re pretty sad.”

Support Send My Love to Anyone

Support Send My Love to Anyone by signing up for a monthly or yearly subscription, liking this post, or sharing it!

Share

Big heartfelt thanks to all of the subscribers and contributors who make this project possible!

Connect

Bluesky | Instagram | Archive | Contributors | Subscribe | About SMLTA

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 07, 2025 11:51

I have found a couple of valuable newsletter resources which I’ve collected below.

We’re inundated with Substack “how-to” posts which can be annoying.

But along the way I have found a couple of valuable newsletter resources which I’ve collected below.

Where to Get Royalty-Free Images

Public Works by Cosmos - images from the public domain.

Substack TipsReally Good Business IdeasHow to Add a Table of Contents to Your Substack Articles (And Why You Should)Read more7 days ago · 78 likes · 19 comments · Casandra CampbellSubstack Writers at Work with Sarah FayHow to Write or Revamp Your Substack About Page to Draw SubscribersThe magic of writing and revising your Substack About page…Read more25 days ago · 87 likes · 140 comments · Sarah Fay

Have you come across a good or helpful resource?

Share below in the comments.

Leave a comment

 •  0 comments  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on March 07, 2025 10:24