Danny Mac's Blog, page 18
June 17, 2022
What Is Half the Bed?
Hello everyone,
My wife has put up with me for twenty-eight years. I do my thing and she does hers. We share chores with me doing some and her doing other jobs. We don’t share desserts but do share a bed. She claims we share 50/50 but her half looks much larger than my half. Generally, I get twenty, maybe twenty-four inches to her forty inches and the dog has to use my half of the bed when she becomes cold at night.
There is an internet store selling bedsheets with a line defining the bed into hers and his. However, the line always seems to designate two-thirds of the bed to her and one-third to him. I excel at math and can determine mathematically the ratio between hers and his, but this doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to portions of the bed. So, the question remains, what I am missing in my calculations in determining “What Is Half the Bed?” I need answers to understand.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our discovery this morning is our resident Karen makes a lousy model. My wife tries to get the right picture of Ginger for a craft she is preparing to sell. She wants the right angle, setting, and mood for the headshot. However, there is no cooperation without a bribe and in this case, it means a cookie. (I do what I am told because of 28 years of conditioning)
That being said, a cookie gains her participation but it comes with exuberant emotion and entitlement. We sit her facing the light from the window glowing on her to remove unnecessary shadows. This last for a whole two seconds before she jumps up wanting her reward. We try several more times breaking the cookie into small pieces to reward her to do our bidding.
A Karen has a strong will and is easily distracted by her own wants. In the end, we take about thirty shots trying to get one where she smiles for the camera. Her disdain for not getting what she want when she wants it comes through clearly in each shot and none appeal to my wife.
After I return to writing this morning’s blog, manager mom tries again using one of her toys. She obtains the perfect shot where Ginger smiles for the camera. The picture takes Karen time to complete.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
My wife has put up with me for twenty-eight years. I do my thing and she does hers. We share chores with me doing some and her doing other jobs. We don’t share desserts but do share a bed. She claims we share 50/50 but her half looks much larger than my half. Generally, I get twenty, maybe twenty-four inches to her forty inches and the dog has to use my half of the bed when she becomes cold at night.
There is an internet store selling bedsheets with a line defining the bed into hers and his. However, the line always seems to designate two-thirds of the bed to her and one-third to him. I excel at math and can determine mathematically the ratio between hers and his, but this doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to portions of the bed. So, the question remains, what I am missing in my calculations in determining “What Is Half the Bed?” I need answers to understand.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our discovery this morning is our resident Karen makes a lousy model. My wife tries to get the right picture of Ginger for a craft she is preparing to sell. She wants the right angle, setting, and mood for the headshot. However, there is no cooperation without a bribe and in this case, it means a cookie. (I do what I am told because of 28 years of conditioning)
That being said, a cookie gains her participation but it comes with exuberant emotion and entitlement. We sit her facing the light from the window glowing on her to remove unnecessary shadows. This last for a whole two seconds before she jumps up wanting her reward. We try several more times breaking the cookie into small pieces to reward her to do our bidding.
A Karen has a strong will and is easily distracted by her own wants. In the end, we take about thirty shots trying to get one where she smiles for the camera. Her disdain for not getting what she want when she wants it comes through clearly in each shot and none appeal to my wife.
After I return to writing this morning’s blog, manager mom tries again using one of her toys. She obtains the perfect shot where Ginger smiles for the camera. The picture takes Karen time to complete.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
June 10, 2022
Book Funnel Week One
Hello everyone,
Most of the promos on Book Funnel want the participating authors to advertise the sales in their newsletter and/or social media. Therefore, I posted the links to the promo on several pages on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and LinkedIn. This gathered 112 clicks of potential customers going to the promos and 58 views of my book. Since I used a unique link to my book, I know there have been five book sales with one being mine. Here is to sell more.
I am still learning as I manage through Book Funnel and hope to learn more about it. I am planning further promos but will limit it to two romance and two fantasy promos in July. So far the $25 membership per year seems to be paying off and I will keep other authors informed as to its success. If you are an author, join my website so you don’t miss updates. And to the readers, please be sure to follow the links advertised or go to Book Funnel for your next great read.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Every morning at eight I watch a television show. Every morning about ten minutes into the show, Ginger wants out. The music or maybe the lead actor’s voice triggers something in our dog and she wants out come rain or shine.
Tired of missing part of my show, I wait until the commercial break to let her out. Of course, since she is a Karen, this comes with the usual sighs, grumbles, and moans as if the wait lasts weeks instead of the minute or so to the commercial.
Almost five minutes later, she notifies me she wants back in by kicking at the door. Again I wait for the commercial to come in a minute. Does a Karen remain calm and patient, no. She barks after thirty seconds because the door has not opened. As the commercial break begins and I head for the door, a louder bark of exasperation resonates throughout the house.
The five seconds it takes to reach the door becomes enough to set her into a full Karen rage and while I unhook her from the leash, she gives me a disapproving grunt to express her indignation of waiting an extra minute to come into the house.
“Yes I waited for the commercial,” came back with not nearly as much disdain.
She runs off to tell the manager mom about me.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
Most of the promos on Book Funnel want the participating authors to advertise the sales in their newsletter and/or social media. Therefore, I posted the links to the promo on several pages on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and LinkedIn. This gathered 112 clicks of potential customers going to the promos and 58 views of my book. Since I used a unique link to my book, I know there have been five book sales with one being mine. Here is to sell more.
I am still learning as I manage through Book Funnel and hope to learn more about it. I am planning further promos but will limit it to two romance and two fantasy promos in July. So far the $25 membership per year seems to be paying off and I will keep other authors informed as to its success. If you are an author, join my website so you don’t miss updates. And to the readers, please be sure to follow the links advertised or go to Book Funnel for your next great read.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Every morning at eight I watch a television show. Every morning about ten minutes into the show, Ginger wants out. The music or maybe the lead actor’s voice triggers something in our dog and she wants out come rain or shine.
Tired of missing part of my show, I wait until the commercial break to let her out. Of course, since she is a Karen, this comes with the usual sighs, grumbles, and moans as if the wait lasts weeks instead of the minute or so to the commercial.
Almost five minutes later, she notifies me she wants back in by kicking at the door. Again I wait for the commercial to come in a minute. Does a Karen remain calm and patient, no. She barks after thirty seconds because the door has not opened. As the commercial break begins and I head for the door, a louder bark of exasperation resonates throughout the house.
The five seconds it takes to reach the door becomes enough to set her into a full Karen rage and while I unhook her from the leash, she gives me a disapproving grunt to express her indignation of waiting an extra minute to come into the house.
“Yes I waited for the commercial,” came back with not nearly as much disdain.
She runs off to tell the manager mom about me.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
June 3, 2022
Book Funnel
Hello everyone,
I recently started a Book Funnel account. I am not sure all of what is happening with it, but I will learn over time. With one promo complete and five more in progress, I am patiently waiting to see if it brings more sales. In the meantime, the more people coming to Book Funnel through my links posted on social media, the more promos become available. Please help me and other authors by visiting Book Funnel for your next venture into fiction.
It is my impression that Book Funnel hosts many authors struggling to sell books. Many of these authors are unknown to the wider book reading population. I encourage everyone to find Book Funnel and search its many books exposing yourself to new authors, like me. I am currently featuring The Six Loves of Jack Brown in five promos with many other authors with some offering an Amazon gift card. Many of them offer special pricing and other incentives.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our previous dog learned new tricks within days. Starting with a treat, repeating the command, and eventually weaning her off the treat. Lucky learns “Last pee-pee” within a week. This gives the dog one last time to relieve herself before bedtime. We hate having to get up in the middle of the night.
A younger Ginger first appears as not very bright. I soon discover she learns things quite fast when it benefits her. Things like, when I pull the plates out of the cupboard for dinner, she jumps and howls to go out on the back porch she masters in two days. She likes the porch to view the world and perchance howl at the neighbor’s dog. However, when it comes to tricks that she sees no immediate benefit to her, she goes full Karen on us.
After nine years, she still refuses to move on “Last pee-pee” command without a cookie. Now that our resident Karen is nine years old, sometimes it takes waving the cookie under her nose before she shows any life. No amount of verbal encouragement works on her and she refuses to move without an edible bribe. She knows what to do and she knows it has the benefit of not waking her in the middle of the night, she refuses to move. Why, because Ginger is a Karen.
Furthermore, last night she gave me the disappointing Karen stare when I didn’t have a second cookie for her. My wife explains she breaks the cookie in half, gives her half to get her up, and the other half after hooking her up to go out. My attempt to please her did not meet her satisfaction and she grumbled at me until she fell asleep again.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
I recently started a Book Funnel account. I am not sure all of what is happening with it, but I will learn over time. With one promo complete and five more in progress, I am patiently waiting to see if it brings more sales. In the meantime, the more people coming to Book Funnel through my links posted on social media, the more promos become available. Please help me and other authors by visiting Book Funnel for your next venture into fiction.
It is my impression that Book Funnel hosts many authors struggling to sell books. Many of these authors are unknown to the wider book reading population. I encourage everyone to find Book Funnel and search its many books exposing yourself to new authors, like me. I am currently featuring The Six Loves of Jack Brown in five promos with many other authors with some offering an Amazon gift card. Many of them offer special pricing and other incentives.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our previous dog learned new tricks within days. Starting with a treat, repeating the command, and eventually weaning her off the treat. Lucky learns “Last pee-pee” within a week. This gives the dog one last time to relieve herself before bedtime. We hate having to get up in the middle of the night.
A younger Ginger first appears as not very bright. I soon discover she learns things quite fast when it benefits her. Things like, when I pull the plates out of the cupboard for dinner, she jumps and howls to go out on the back porch she masters in two days. She likes the porch to view the world and perchance howl at the neighbor’s dog. However, when it comes to tricks that she sees no immediate benefit to her, she goes full Karen on us.
After nine years, she still refuses to move on “Last pee-pee” command without a cookie. Now that our resident Karen is nine years old, sometimes it takes waving the cookie under her nose before she shows any life. No amount of verbal encouragement works on her and she refuses to move without an edible bribe. She knows what to do and she knows it has the benefit of not waking her in the middle of the night, she refuses to move. Why, because Ginger is a Karen.
Furthermore, last night she gave me the disappointing Karen stare when I didn’t have a second cookie for her. My wife explains she breaks the cookie in half, gives her half to get her up, and the other half after hooking her up to go out. My attempt to please her did not meet her satisfaction and she grumbled at me until she fell asleep again.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
May 27, 2022
Wore Out a Karen
Hello everyone,
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? On Monday, my wife and daughter worked a second plot for a garden. They dug the grass from the lawn and turned over the soil. They started at nine in the morning and toiled until lunchtime preparing the new section to receive melons of several varieties.
Ginger, our resident four-legged Karen, promoted herself to the boss of their work. She stood in judgment over them for the three hours commenting on their endeavor with a disappointing groan or a yap at the lack of appreciation for her suggestions.
After Lunch, the two urban farmers tilled the clay soil with its rock-hard clumps and dirtballs. Karen grumbled audibly upset for the two failed to bring her with them, and so, I let her out. My enterprising cultivators did not hear Ginger’s micromanagement style over the spinning blade of the electric tiller. They finished the initial turning of the land around four o’clock just in time for me to start cooking supper. Our Karen oversaw the preparation of the evening meal. Her fault-finding supervision consisted of her walking through, around, and across my path while cooking.
On Tuesday, my gardeners started adding compose and topsoil to the garden to replace the volume of the removed grass and enrich the soil for better yield. This took most of the day with Ginger still as acting manager. Small-Group met at our house on Tuesday night. As we all know, a Karen had to be the center of attention and Ginger pushed her way in front of all the guests.
After two days of supervising her workers lead to exhaustion and she plopped into her bed for much-needed rest. However, I was leading the group through Luke 24:36-48. This was a rather excitable section of the Bible and we became quite animated during the discussions. During one of the more ruckus portions, Ginger jumped from her slumber to investigate any danger.
Wednesday morning made me the first out of bed. Being in my sixties, this came with the cracking of joints, moans and groans from old muscles not wanting to move, and my wife complaining about the noise. As my feet planted firmly on the carpet, the room filled with a long disgruntle groan from our dog, the Karen.
It seems dogs require a good eight hours of sleep every night with twelve hours of naps in between. After two days of missing naps makes our dog is quite grumpy and sleepy. This meant she required twenty-four make up hours of sleep. There is usually a dozen reason for her to howl at something in the neighborhood, but this past Wednesday, she only finds one by coincidence at the end of the day. I wave a dog cookie under her nose, just to get her out one last time before bedtime.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? On Monday, my wife and daughter worked a second plot for a garden. They dug the grass from the lawn and turned over the soil. They started at nine in the morning and toiled until lunchtime preparing the new section to receive melons of several varieties.
Ginger, our resident four-legged Karen, promoted herself to the boss of their work. She stood in judgment over them for the three hours commenting on their endeavor with a disappointing groan or a yap at the lack of appreciation for her suggestions.
After Lunch, the two urban farmers tilled the clay soil with its rock-hard clumps and dirtballs. Karen grumbled audibly upset for the two failed to bring her with them, and so, I let her out. My enterprising cultivators did not hear Ginger’s micromanagement style over the spinning blade of the electric tiller. They finished the initial turning of the land around four o’clock just in time for me to start cooking supper. Our Karen oversaw the preparation of the evening meal. Her fault-finding supervision consisted of her walking through, around, and across my path while cooking.
On Tuesday, my gardeners started adding compose and topsoil to the garden to replace the volume of the removed grass and enrich the soil for better yield. This took most of the day with Ginger still as acting manager. Small-Group met at our house on Tuesday night. As we all know, a Karen had to be the center of attention and Ginger pushed her way in front of all the guests.
After two days of supervising her workers lead to exhaustion and she plopped into her bed for much-needed rest. However, I was leading the group through Luke 24:36-48. This was a rather excitable section of the Bible and we became quite animated during the discussions. During one of the more ruckus portions, Ginger jumped from her slumber to investigate any danger.
Wednesday morning made me the first out of bed. Being in my sixties, this came with the cracking of joints, moans and groans from old muscles not wanting to move, and my wife complaining about the noise. As my feet planted firmly on the carpet, the room filled with a long disgruntle groan from our dog, the Karen.
It seems dogs require a good eight hours of sleep every night with twelve hours of naps in between. After two days of missing naps makes our dog is quite grumpy and sleepy. This meant she required twenty-four make up hours of sleep. There is usually a dozen reason for her to howl at something in the neighborhood, but this past Wednesday, she only finds one by coincidence at the end of the day. I wave a dog cookie under her nose, just to get her out one last time before bedtime.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
May 20, 2022
First Book Signing
Hello everyone,
A couple of months back, I approached the owner of a local coffee hot spot called Coffee in the Valley. The owner agreed to host my Meet & Greet from nine to noon on Saturday, May 21, 2022. She is allowing me to take up a corner of the restaurant and sell my books.
I started advertising on Facebook a month ago. This process included making a new audience called Local. This audience included readers, book topics, and coffee drinking. I set the demography to our town plus ten miles. This covered neighboring communities. I boosted a second time for a week and today added a third for the next twenty-four hours. I copied several local FB groups to help spread the word. I have a dozen people marking interested in attending.
My darling wife created a flyer showing the coffee house, me, and my books. I posted these flyers in as many establishments as I could for people to see generically. Wherever I go for the past month, I mentioned the book signing and the coffee shop hoping for a good turnout. With god’s grace both the coffee shop and I sell more product.
My wife then made a poster for me this past week. It has the background of our small community with a picture of me and my books with a brief description of them. The print shop laminated it to a stiff board for displaying and calling patrons to my table. Again, she knocked the design out of the park.
My nerves are under control as of writing this blog. But, I think tomorrow around nine in the morning that will change. My life has been filled with moments of gaffes and faux pas over the years. Please pray that I remain calm, cool, and collected while maintaining a personable disposition for my potential readers.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Ginger, our dog is nine years old and that equates to sixty plus in people's years. Like any being reaching their sixties, she has become a little grumpier as the gray starts showing under her chin.
For the previous nine years when I roll over in the morning that was her clue to jump on me to rise and shine. The other morning I stumbled out of bed and spotted her giving me a death glare for waking her up. However, with Ginger being a Karen, it did not end there. The rest of the day I got the cold shoulder from her. Then it became worse. I called to her for an ear scratching and she turned a strutted off with her tail lightly flicking from side to side in defiance and retaliation for waking her ten hours before. Not only did I receive the cold shoulder, but I also got the cold butt too.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
A couple of months back, I approached the owner of a local coffee hot spot called Coffee in the Valley. The owner agreed to host my Meet & Greet from nine to noon on Saturday, May 21, 2022. She is allowing me to take up a corner of the restaurant and sell my books.
I started advertising on Facebook a month ago. This process included making a new audience called Local. This audience included readers, book topics, and coffee drinking. I set the demography to our town plus ten miles. This covered neighboring communities. I boosted a second time for a week and today added a third for the next twenty-four hours. I copied several local FB groups to help spread the word. I have a dozen people marking interested in attending.
My darling wife created a flyer showing the coffee house, me, and my books. I posted these flyers in as many establishments as I could for people to see generically. Wherever I go for the past month, I mentioned the book signing and the coffee shop hoping for a good turnout. With god’s grace both the coffee shop and I sell more product.
My wife then made a poster for me this past week. It has the background of our small community with a picture of me and my books with a brief description of them. The print shop laminated it to a stiff board for displaying and calling patrons to my table. Again, she knocked the design out of the park.
My nerves are under control as of writing this blog. But, I think tomorrow around nine in the morning that will change. My life has been filled with moments of gaffes and faux pas over the years. Please pray that I remain calm, cool, and collected while maintaining a personable disposition for my potential readers.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Ginger, our dog is nine years old and that equates to sixty plus in people's years. Like any being reaching their sixties, she has become a little grumpier as the gray starts showing under her chin.
For the previous nine years when I roll over in the morning that was her clue to jump on me to rise and shine. The other morning I stumbled out of bed and spotted her giving me a death glare for waking her up. However, with Ginger being a Karen, it did not end there. The rest of the day I got the cold shoulder from her. Then it became worse. I called to her for an ear scratching and she turned a strutted off with her tail lightly flicking from side to side in defiance and retaliation for waking her ten hours before. Not only did I receive the cold shoulder, but I also got the cold butt too.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
May 13, 2022
Sharing Is Caring
Hello everyone,
I broke a well-established protocol in this house and paid the price for it. My wife gave birth to a beautiful bouncing germ factory nineteen years ago. Her ability to make the house sick amplified when starting the petri dish called elementary school. She came home from school with a cold sniffling, barely slowed her down for a couple of days, and then recovered as if nothing happened.
My wife and main caregiver would catch the cold and proceeded to pass it on to me. Being adults, the effects of the cold were worse and lasted most of a week. During the worst three days of the cold, it was hard to effectively maintain simple duties around the house and we felt miserable.
I questioned my daughter in third grade about the transfer of germs to her parents. She replied with a grin, “Sharing Is Caring.” This has been the mantra for the past years every time a bug traversed from daughter to mother, and then to father. If you wonder where she gets her sarcasm from? It is her mother, yes, definitely her mother.
I missed this past weekend due to one bugger of a cold. It spread to my ears causing dizzy spells and queasiness. As my head started to clear out on Monday and my wife began sniffling. By Tuesday, she couldn’t breathe through her nose. Then on Wednesday, my daughter started the sniffles, and Thursday she sounded like Eeyore.
Today, I am in trouble for saying, “Sharing Is Caring.” When I reversed the sickness in the house and the cold ran from eldest to youngest, it changed the whole cosmos upsetting the natural flow. So, I am in trouble and gaining glares from the two most beautiful women in my life.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our best friends moved to Florida leaving their nineteen-year-old daughter behind. She and my daughter have been best friends since before they could talk. I am a second dad to her and include her with the dad joke text. Ginger formed a special bond with her over the years.
My second daughter came for a visit on Wednesday and I, being the only healthy person, welcomed her into our house. We tried to hold a conversation, but it proved to be nearly impossible with our resident Karen whining her way into the discussion. Ginger’s especially loud high-pitched whistled whine preempted our ability to talk. Every part of her forty pounds wagged with excitement for seeing her friend. After the quick five-minute visit, I had to hold back the Karen from trying to leave with her BFF.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
I broke a well-established protocol in this house and paid the price for it. My wife gave birth to a beautiful bouncing germ factory nineteen years ago. Her ability to make the house sick amplified when starting the petri dish called elementary school. She came home from school with a cold sniffling, barely slowed her down for a couple of days, and then recovered as if nothing happened.
My wife and main caregiver would catch the cold and proceeded to pass it on to me. Being adults, the effects of the cold were worse and lasted most of a week. During the worst three days of the cold, it was hard to effectively maintain simple duties around the house and we felt miserable.
I questioned my daughter in third grade about the transfer of germs to her parents. She replied with a grin, “Sharing Is Caring.” This has been the mantra for the past years every time a bug traversed from daughter to mother, and then to father. If you wonder where she gets her sarcasm from? It is her mother, yes, definitely her mother.
I missed this past weekend due to one bugger of a cold. It spread to my ears causing dizzy spells and queasiness. As my head started to clear out on Monday and my wife began sniffling. By Tuesday, she couldn’t breathe through her nose. Then on Wednesday, my daughter started the sniffles, and Thursday she sounded like Eeyore.
Today, I am in trouble for saying, “Sharing Is Caring.” When I reversed the sickness in the house and the cold ran from eldest to youngest, it changed the whole cosmos upsetting the natural flow. So, I am in trouble and gaining glares from the two most beautiful women in my life.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Our best friends moved to Florida leaving their nineteen-year-old daughter behind. She and my daughter have been best friends since before they could talk. I am a second dad to her and include her with the dad joke text. Ginger formed a special bond with her over the years.
My second daughter came for a visit on Wednesday and I, being the only healthy person, welcomed her into our house. We tried to hold a conversation, but it proved to be nearly impossible with our resident Karen whining her way into the discussion. Ginger’s especially loud high-pitched whistled whine preempted our ability to talk. Every part of her forty pounds wagged with excitement for seeing her friend. After the quick five-minute visit, I had to hold back the Karen from trying to leave with her BFF.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
May 6, 2022
A Mother’s Day Tale
Hello everyone,
A humorous tale of how not to handle the birth of your child or a gentle reminder for fathers-to-be of what not to do.
Mother’s Day is this Sunday. It is a time to rejoice and reminisce about the growing importance of moms giving birth. Generally, long labor times become longer with time as the child grows into adulthood. My mother-in-law after fifty-three years walked the twenty miles through a small parking lot because my father-in-law parked so far away. My wife had a very short labor and to hear her tell the story today, she gave birth moments after reaching the hospital. I want to set the record straight and give some insight to fathers-to-be.
I worked late one Friday evening because of a phone call coming just before closing. I called my very pregnant wife to explain my lateness. My cell rings almost home and the panicked voice, “WHERE ARE YOU?”
“Two turns away, I’ll be home in a couple.”
“HURRY UP!”
I entered the house and she stood at the top of the stairs. Before I said hello, her eyes bulge out of her head as her face turned red. “Is that a contraction?”
“Yeeeeeesssss,” a slow guttural groan came through her nose. As the pressure subsided, she managed several snarky comments about her condition.
Being the coach, I bought a stopwatch and whistle. However, if I touched the whistle I’d be blowing from a part of my body I didn’t think possible. I loaded her, the go-bag, and other necessities into the car and drove to the hospital while timing the contractions. It was my fault the road chosen for the trip was torn up for repaving. I still hear about nineteen years later when we travel down the road and it gets bumpier every year.
Not seeing any wheelchairs near the maternity ward, we walked in and took the elevator to the second floor. The triage nurse took us to the assessment room with a lackadaisical attitude as first-time parents tend to be overcautious. As we entered the room, my wife doubles over in pain, eyes practically hanging from the sockets, and groans out in extreme pain.
Concern reached the nurse’s voice as I stopped the watch, “How long since the last contraction?”
“Two minutes and two seconds.”
Panic settled into her bones and she efficiently ushers us to a birthing room. She called our OB-GYN and told him to hurry. Apparently, he wanted to shower first because she was sternly heard, “Just put deodorant on and get here.”
Here is where I got in trouble. The doctor arrived around six-thirty, examined my wife, and then talked with me. It didn’t take long and we were exchanging dad jokes back and forth. Until the screech in the middle of an unyielding pang, “STOP MAKING JOKES.”
The doctor checked in at seven and I whispered, “Are you going to finish by seven-thirty.” The doctor looked strangely at me and my lovely wife, not in contraction, “You are going to miss Jeopardy, get over it.”
I managed to keep my mouth shut until eight-thirty and she became a mom of a beautiful daughter. It was less than three hours from water breaking to birth which is quite remarkable for the firstborn from the tales of other mothers. However, after nineteen years, those were the shortest three hours in human history.
My warning for fathers-to-be is don’t make jokes during labor. I don’t care how funny they are, she is not in the mood for them.
Subscribe for alerts at my website: About | Danny Mac - Author (dannymacauthor.com)
God bless,
Danny Mac
A humorous tale of how not to handle the birth of your child or a gentle reminder for fathers-to-be of what not to do.
Mother’s Day is this Sunday. It is a time to rejoice and reminisce about the growing importance of moms giving birth. Generally, long labor times become longer with time as the child grows into adulthood. My mother-in-law after fifty-three years walked the twenty miles through a small parking lot because my father-in-law parked so far away. My wife had a very short labor and to hear her tell the story today, she gave birth moments after reaching the hospital. I want to set the record straight and give some insight to fathers-to-be.
I worked late one Friday evening because of a phone call coming just before closing. I called my very pregnant wife to explain my lateness. My cell rings almost home and the panicked voice, “WHERE ARE YOU?”
“Two turns away, I’ll be home in a couple.”
“HURRY UP!”
I entered the house and she stood at the top of the stairs. Before I said hello, her eyes bulge out of her head as her face turned red. “Is that a contraction?”
“Yeeeeeesssss,” a slow guttural groan came through her nose. As the pressure subsided, she managed several snarky comments about her condition.
Being the coach, I bought a stopwatch and whistle. However, if I touched the whistle I’d be blowing from a part of my body I didn’t think possible. I loaded her, the go-bag, and other necessities into the car and drove to the hospital while timing the contractions. It was my fault the road chosen for the trip was torn up for repaving. I still hear about nineteen years later when we travel down the road and it gets bumpier every year.
Not seeing any wheelchairs near the maternity ward, we walked in and took the elevator to the second floor. The triage nurse took us to the assessment room with a lackadaisical attitude as first-time parents tend to be overcautious. As we entered the room, my wife doubles over in pain, eyes practically hanging from the sockets, and groans out in extreme pain.
Concern reached the nurse’s voice as I stopped the watch, “How long since the last contraction?”
“Two minutes and two seconds.”
Panic settled into her bones and she efficiently ushers us to a birthing room. She called our OB-GYN and told him to hurry. Apparently, he wanted to shower first because she was sternly heard, “Just put deodorant on and get here.”
Here is where I got in trouble. The doctor arrived around six-thirty, examined my wife, and then talked with me. It didn’t take long and we were exchanging dad jokes back and forth. Until the screech in the middle of an unyielding pang, “STOP MAKING JOKES.”
The doctor checked in at seven and I whispered, “Are you going to finish by seven-thirty.” The doctor looked strangely at me and my lovely wife, not in contraction, “You are going to miss Jeopardy, get over it.”
I managed to keep my mouth shut until eight-thirty and she became a mom of a beautiful daughter. It was less than three hours from water breaking to birth which is quite remarkable for the firstborn from the tales of other mothers. However, after nineteen years, those were the shortest three hours in human history.
My warning for fathers-to-be is don’t make jokes during labor. I don’t care how funny they are, she is not in the mood for them.
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God bless,
Danny Mac
April 29, 2022
Disney Princesses Versus Marvel
Hello everyone,
This is a story for the fathers of daughters, please share with them although moms will also find humor in it.
I had a daddy’s little girl. As an infant, I curled her up in my arms during her worst moments and she became peaceful. It drove mom crazy to see how she calmed down instantly. I read to her every night before bedtime starting early on. Her favorite was the Disney Princesses books my mother bought her. It was not enough to just read to her and I made up voices to go along with the story.
Around five years old, I mentioned Ariel sleeping until the prince kissed her back to life. “No, dad that was Aurora, not Ariel,” came at me with authority and indignation. This comment proceeded with a five-minute lecture on the differences between the two. Only after satisfying her concern over the lack of my knowledge of Disney Princesses did she relent and allowed me to continue with my day.
Fast forward to my thirteen-year-old and not my little girl anymore as we watched a Marvel movie together. This movie introduced several other characters into the plot with another faux pa by me going into a commercial break. “Is that Poison Ivy?”
With an extended eye roll, “Poison Ivy is DC. (Duh, a two-year-old knows that) That is Natasha Romanoff. Don’t you know anything?” Luckily the commercial break was only three minutes long or she would still be lecturing me to this day. Apparently, DC and Marvel may not interchange at any time. Her brief sermon on the devastating effects of combining them compared to a fire and brimstone preacher on the end of the world.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? For the past three days, Ohio shivered through near-freezing temperatures. The previous three days we enjoyed eighty-degree weather. (28 to 0 for my metric friends) During the warmer nights, I opened the window to allow fresh air into the room for sleeping. Sleep came blissfully as the cool spring air wafted over the room and all was right with the world.
Until about twelve-thirty in the very early morning. Ginger, our ever-watchful Karen starts with a quick “Arf,” in her sleep. Several more proceeding “Arfs,” as she wakes from her slumber. I think what is she yapping about when I hear the call from the coyotes off in the distance and coming closer.
The whole of the house awakes to her singing the song of her people out the window at the coyotes. “Arrrrrooooorrrrooo” streams from her mouth only stopping for another deep inhale of air. It culminates in me slamming the window shut and yelling at her to go back to bed.
She lays down for almost thirty seconds and then decides it time to go out. Mom hollers out, “No go back to sleep.” Ginger replies with the nastiest and foulest of gas attack she could muster. Our resident Karen gets her way when mom lets her out.
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
This is a story for the fathers of daughters, please share with them although moms will also find humor in it.
I had a daddy’s little girl. As an infant, I curled her up in my arms during her worst moments and she became peaceful. It drove mom crazy to see how she calmed down instantly. I read to her every night before bedtime starting early on. Her favorite was the Disney Princesses books my mother bought her. It was not enough to just read to her and I made up voices to go along with the story.
Around five years old, I mentioned Ariel sleeping until the prince kissed her back to life. “No, dad that was Aurora, not Ariel,” came at me with authority and indignation. This comment proceeded with a five-minute lecture on the differences between the two. Only after satisfying her concern over the lack of my knowledge of Disney Princesses did she relent and allowed me to continue with my day.
Fast forward to my thirteen-year-old and not my little girl anymore as we watched a Marvel movie together. This movie introduced several other characters into the plot with another faux pa by me going into a commercial break. “Is that Poison Ivy?”
With an extended eye roll, “Poison Ivy is DC. (Duh, a two-year-old knows that) That is Natasha Romanoff. Don’t you know anything?” Luckily the commercial break was only three minutes long or she would still be lecturing me to this day. Apparently, DC and Marvel may not interchange at any time. Her brief sermon on the devastating effects of combining them compared to a fire and brimstone preacher on the end of the world.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? For the past three days, Ohio shivered through near-freezing temperatures. The previous three days we enjoyed eighty-degree weather. (28 to 0 for my metric friends) During the warmer nights, I opened the window to allow fresh air into the room for sleeping. Sleep came blissfully as the cool spring air wafted over the room and all was right with the world.
Until about twelve-thirty in the very early morning. Ginger, our ever-watchful Karen starts with a quick “Arf,” in her sleep. Several more proceeding “Arfs,” as she wakes from her slumber. I think what is she yapping about when I hear the call from the coyotes off in the distance and coming closer.
The whole of the house awakes to her singing the song of her people out the window at the coyotes. “Arrrrrooooorrrrooo” streams from her mouth only stopping for another deep inhale of air. It culminates in me slamming the window shut and yelling at her to go back to bed.
She lays down for almost thirty seconds and then decides it time to go out. Mom hollers out, “No go back to sleep.” Ginger replies with the nastiest and foulest of gas attack she could muster. Our resident Karen gets her way when mom lets her out.
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
April 22, 2022
Prayers Requested
Hello everyone,
I am sorry for posting this late on Friday evening. Normally I normally post around ten in the morning but this week the typing didn’t start until six in the evening. This week brought a lot of turmoil to the house and I request prayers for our family.
My father-in-law suffered an acute stroke two weeks ago. This past week his kidneys gave him some problems and returned to the hospital. This was where the commotion began. My FIL didn’t want to go back to rehab but we were in no shape to care for him. We reached our wit’s end today as he refused to speak with us although fully capable. With all other options failing, we resorted to prayer from us and friends. My family and I came to the point where we all had tears flowing down our faces as we cried for help.
God sent an angel in the form of a therapist and she was able to get him to speak again. He agreed to return to therapy but not the center he came from. She brought him flowers and befriended him. It was through her loving heart for an old man she convinced him to talk again. God brings a stranger into our lives to serve us and do his work. Thank God and his servant.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? My wife worked on cleaning and organizing the in-law suite this past week. Ginger wanted to be with her but there are many items throughout the quarters that she will eat that would not agree with her well-being including dropped pills. Ginger laid by the door and waited for mom to finish her work.
Being a Karen, she could not lay quietly and spent the day whining in a high-pitched tone over mom, my wife working away the day and talking with her mother. Every time they spoke, Ginger whined a heartbreaking “rrrrrrnnnnn.” It reminded me of a lost child missing their family, but then again, it sounded like a spoiled child not getting their way.
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
I am sorry for posting this late on Friday evening. Normally I normally post around ten in the morning but this week the typing didn’t start until six in the evening. This week brought a lot of turmoil to the house and I request prayers for our family.
My father-in-law suffered an acute stroke two weeks ago. This past week his kidneys gave him some problems and returned to the hospital. This was where the commotion began. My FIL didn’t want to go back to rehab but we were in no shape to care for him. We reached our wit’s end today as he refused to speak with us although fully capable. With all other options failing, we resorted to prayer from us and friends. My family and I came to the point where we all had tears flowing down our faces as we cried for help.
God sent an angel in the form of a therapist and she was able to get him to speak again. He agreed to return to therapy but not the center he came from. She brought him flowers and befriended him. It was through her loving heart for an old man she convinced him to talk again. God brings a stranger into our lives to serve us and do his work. Thank God and his servant.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? My wife worked on cleaning and organizing the in-law suite this past week. Ginger wanted to be with her but there are many items throughout the quarters that she will eat that would not agree with her well-being including dropped pills. Ginger laid by the door and waited for mom to finish her work.
Being a Karen, she could not lay quietly and spent the day whining in a high-pitched tone over mom, my wife working away the day and talking with her mother. Every time they spoke, Ginger whined a heartbreaking “rrrrrrnnnnn.” It reminded me of a lost child missing their family, but then again, it sounded like a spoiled child not getting their way.
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
April 15, 2022
Ginger Picks on Mom
Hello everyone,
Ginger possesses ears that are part rigid and part floppy. They stand out from her head and yet slump alongside. She moves them forward to hear better and back to the point where they become invisible. One unique ear attribute is when she shakes her head, sometimes they flop over her head.
The first time she was just a pup. I chuckled at the sight because it look silly funny. I pointed it to mom who flopped them back while babying her. So, I positioned them back on top annoying mom and for nine years this was a running gag. I flopped the ears on top of the head, she flopped them back. Occasionally, Ginger walked around for hours at a time with them on top of her head before mom saw them and put them back.
Here is the best part, Ginger comes to me to receive ear flopping, then runs over to mom to have the un-flopped. Of course, she receives love each time and she does this as much as three times in a row. Mom always complains about why everyone picks on her because even the dog likes picking on mom. Picking on mom is a true family tradition.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Last Friday I satirically wrote about Ginger’s rage at the telephone repairman. I printed a copy and went to read it for my wife just after lunch. Ginger awoke from one of her numerous naps during the day upon me entering the bedroom. (She tries to sprawl entirely over the queen size bed not allowing anyone else room.)
As I read about her first scream of fury at the man doing his job, she rolled over onto her back and with a helpless but hopeful stare at mom as she begged me to stop. I kept reading only now it was with a chuckle at her antics. I voiced her displeasure at being sent to the room and Ginger groaned with embarrassment, but I kept reading with more amusement.
By the time I finished, a steady stream of “Grummmm and groannnnns” came from her vexed disposition. We paid the price for laughing at her as she grumbled at mom for the next half hour. As for me, she delivered the cold shoulder all afternoon. She rang the bell to go out, saw it was me, and ran back upstairs. What else would you expect from a Karen?
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
Ginger possesses ears that are part rigid and part floppy. They stand out from her head and yet slump alongside. She moves them forward to hear better and back to the point where they become invisible. One unique ear attribute is when she shakes her head, sometimes they flop over her head.
The first time she was just a pup. I chuckled at the sight because it look silly funny. I pointed it to mom who flopped them back while babying her. So, I positioned them back on top annoying mom and for nine years this was a running gag. I flopped the ears on top of the head, she flopped them back. Occasionally, Ginger walked around for hours at a time with them on top of her head before mom saw them and put them back.
Here is the best part, Ginger comes to me to receive ear flopping, then runs over to mom to have the un-flopped. Of course, she receives love each time and she does this as much as three times in a row. Mom always complains about why everyone picks on her because even the dog likes picking on mom. Picking on mom is a true family tradition.
Did I mention my dog is a Karen? Last Friday I satirically wrote about Ginger’s rage at the telephone repairman. I printed a copy and went to read it for my wife just after lunch. Ginger awoke from one of her numerous naps during the day upon me entering the bedroom. (She tries to sprawl entirely over the queen size bed not allowing anyone else room.)
As I read about her first scream of fury at the man doing his job, she rolled over onto her back and with a helpless but hopeful stare at mom as she begged me to stop. I kept reading only now it was with a chuckle at her antics. I voiced her displeasure at being sent to the room and Ginger groaned with embarrassment, but I kept reading with more amusement.
By the time I finished, a steady stream of “Grummmm and groannnnns” came from her vexed disposition. We paid the price for laughing at her as she grumbled at mom for the next half hour. As for me, she delivered the cold shoulder all afternoon. She rang the bell to go out, saw it was me, and ran back upstairs. What else would you expect from a Karen?
Learn more about me at my website: www.dannymacauthor.com
God bless,
Danny Mac
