Heather V. Shore's Blog, page 7

Honoring your parents

Honoring your parents is something I haven’t always done well. In fact, this post is hard for me to write this year. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and long conversations on how to make our relationship better. My husband and I discussed several questions on the way home from visiting my family last year. As Thanksgiving approaches and we’re headed back into family time, we want to navigate this well. We want everyone to enjoy our time together and create special memories. As we discussed this topic, my husband and I had some interesting questions to answer for ourselves and our kids. Is it hard for kids today to honor their parents? What traits do your parents have that you wish you had?

Honoring means having great respect and high regard for the person in question. And respecting our parents means admiring them and treating them in a proper way. As I started to research what all of this really meant, I came across a great Family Life article. Loved their practical advice of how to really admire and love your parents even during the hard times.

Appreciate the good things. Everyone on earth has redeeming qualities. Try to think of as many as you can for your mother or father. What positive physical attributes did they pass onto you? What about personality traits? Instead of dwelling on the bad memories or scars, consider how God has used this parent to make you the person you are today.
Do something as an act of kindness. Send flowers for no special reason or call the parent on the phone just to catch up. Use a special skill you have to meet a need such as paint the bathroom, fix the car or mow the lawn.
Choose to speak kindly of them. Our words are powerful. James 3:5 says “The tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!’

3 simple things to do. As we head into Thanksgiving, I keep reminding myself of the good things my parents have done. They have passed on many amazing attributes and traits which I need to dwell on even when we disagree. My biggest goal is to speak kindly to them and after we leave to appreciate their generosity for the week. So yes, it can be hard to honor your parents today, but if you appreciate how much they’ve done for you over the years, it can change your perspective. Praying blessings over all families as they gather together this year.

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Hope in Hardship

Hope in hardship is one of the themes of my story. Hope means holding onto courage when you feel like giving up. Courage keeps up moving towards hope. How does someone keep hope during hardship?

Give yourself grace. Grace is an undeserved gift. Sometimes the gift is recognizing you’re exactly where you need to be in your story. You don’t have to be as far along as someone else. Whether you’re just leaving your perpetrator or have been out of the relationship for 15 years, giving yourself grace will allow you to enjoy life. Finding and holding onto grace can empower you to be hopeful each day.

God can turn a no into yes. I told God multiple times I was never moving back to Denver. Ever. Denver represented the severe adversity I had been through and it was something I associated with the city. God must have chuckled when I told him I would never move back to Denver. He knew coming back would be a healing experience. Denver has been where I’ve had my babies, walked through cancer, multiple other surgeries, all while experiencing God’s goodness. He’s grown me in ways which has allowed me to trust Him even when I can’t see the ending. Ultimately, God brings redemption out of those broken places even when they literally exist. Redemption of these places (figuratively and literally) means we let go of the past hurts, and have the courage to go from trial-to-trial without losing hope. It’s amazing to sit in the mountains at a coffee shop and realize how far He has brought me. I can honestly say I like Colorado now.

Hold onto hope. Hope helps us to be expectant no matter what’s happening in the moment. These series of moments called life can be filled with amazing experiences. Our creator gives us this beautiful tapestry of creation, relationships, and love, to point us back to God. All of these things create the hope you cling to during hardship. Through all our choices and hardships, hope exists and will be there at the end of the journey. God wants to redeem every bad choice and decision with the hope of our future. Our future is always bright when we hold onto hope.

Do you walk through your daily life hopeful? Hope, grace and answered prayers will give you hope in hardship. It will turn your life around.

 

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What is Emotional and Psychological Abuse?

Abuse comes in many different forms leading to different consequences and reactions. Abuse ultimately is always about power and control. The partners’ goal is to maintain power in the relationship and figure out how to control the other person. One definition of emotional abuse is: “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.”1

The perpetrator’s goal is to always undermine the self-worth and dignity of the one they are abusing. Often the emotional abuse is carefully constructed so only the victim can understand the depth of their partner’s words. The abuser picks up on the victim’s sensitivities and will specifically target them with subtle manipulations and attempt to confuse them, talking in circles and instilling doubt. Emotional abuse is also known as “chronic verbal aggression” by researchers. People who suffer from emotional abuse tend to have very low self-esteem, show personality changes (such as becoming withdrawn) and may even become depressed, anxious or suicidal.

Examples of emotional abuse are below. As you can see this closely ties into verbal abuse and they are often defined together.

Threats of violence or abandonment
Intentionally frightening
Making an individual fear that they will not receive the food or care they need
Lying
Making derogative or slanderous statements about an individual to others
Socially isolating an individual, failing to let them have visitors
Withholding important information
Demeaning an individual because of the language they speak
Intentionally misinterpreting traditional practices
Telling an individual that they are too much trouble
Ignoring or excessively criticizing
Unreasonably ordering an individual around; treating an individual like a servant or child

Emotional abuse can be hard to decipher, and even harder to see. When someone is experiencing emotional abuse most people will be dismissive and excuse the other person. Since it can be so subtle, it’s important to understand the context of a situation. I had a lady in a support group setting where the husband was causing emotional abuse. She excused his behavior because he wasn’t hitting or verbally assaulting her. However, he was constantly criticizing her and making her think she was too much trouble due to her cancer treatments. This woman had to stay because she needed insurance and had no option to leave. It was heartbreaking because she couldn’t change him, and felt like a burden to others. Eventually she was able to get a job once she healed, giving her husband another chance to shape up. If he hadn’t, she had made a safety plan to leave.

Not every abuse situation is obvious. There are so many stories where it takes courage to identify the dysfunctional relationship. Some relationships heal and work, and others don’t. Understanding emotional abuse will help anyone in a demeaning relationship. Learn the signs and get the help you need to move on to healthy relationships.

 

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What is Verbal Abuse?

Abuse comes in many different forms leading to different consequences and reactions. Abuse ultimately is always about power and control. The partners’ goal is to maintain power in the relationship and figure out how to control the other person. Verbal abuse is when a person forcefully criticizes, insults, or denounces someone else.[1] Characterized by underlying anger and hostility, it is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of the other person and produce negative emotions.[2] 

While those definitions are very accurate descriptions, it doesn’t encompass the amount of pain caused to the victim. Verbal abuse causes significant psychological damage that can’t be undone or unheard. Our words have such an impact in our lives and others lives. There are words which still cause me to recoil when I hear them. The amount of name calling, put downs, and cursing done at me make me shake my head in disgust. Verbal abuse can be the one of the worst forms of abuse. I hope the story below will inspire you to not only treat others with kindness, but truly appreciate the power of your words.

My Verbal Abuse Story

I was 20 when I met Seth. He was good-looking, charming, and very intelligent. We started dating on a regular basis and it wasn’t till many months later, close to our wedding, that he said unkind words. My parents don’t argue, so I had no inclination of how to handle the situation. How do you address someone who puts you down when you can’t handle conflict? You learn how to stand up for yourself, tell them ‘that’s rude’, but it does take time to learn these skills. The words he used at me, made me start question myself as a person. The first time he called me a ‘stupid, fucking bitch’ I sat in shock. As he repeated those words over the months of our marriage, I began to believe it. I knew in my heart I wasn’t stupid, but it didn’t stop the words from hurting my soul.

Self-concept inventory

Once I moved on from the relationship, I got myself into therapy to undo the negativity. Here are a few things I’ve done over the years to help overcome the effects of verbal abuse.  I start each day with writing my prayer requests and things which make me grateful. Stating what you’re grateful for each day can truly help adjust your attitude. It also helps you move the scale on any negative self-talk. Each day I say the affirmation ‘I am enough’ and the other positive attributes God has given me. This has greatly moved the needle on my self-esteem. Every year I go through the self-concept inventory below. This is very helpful as it gives you a gauge of where verbal abuse and other triggers are occurring.

What do I like about myself? What traits do I possess that make me attractive to others — how do other people see me?
Look at your character traits. Look at what you are and what you can do. What makes you unique?
What would you like to improve about yourself as a person? I set a yearly goal to work on myself in whatever area needs to improve.
What is my mission in life? What are my beliefs — what do I stand for?
An example of self-defeating behavior is negative self-talk. Where does this come from? Find the source. Fix the negative self-talk with the positive attributes about what makes you unique.

The self-concept inventory allows you to create positive self-talk and shift any negative behaviors which have occurred from being abused. Fixing negative self-talk is such important work and can really change the direction of your life. One of my friend’s mantra is ‘You can fly as high as you want — don’t let the negative thinking cut you down.’ I love this and it’s so true! Only you can change your attitude, find those who lift you up and rebuild your life free from any type of abuse.

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The day I met a prophet

This past Sunday was an ordinary day which became extraordinary. On the way to my friends house, I sensed God telling me to stop and buy some homeless guys a sandwich from Subway. There were 3 homeless men hanging out on the corner of Colfax. A little annoyed because I wanted to go to Jimmy Johns, I went into Subway wondering what I was getting into.

I walked in and was greeted by a friendly kid behind the counter. I asked the worker if the homeless guys had been fed and he said no. I told him I wanted to buy them a meal. The worker was blown away and said ‘Your generosity made my day’. As he was talking, a black gentleman named Darryl introduced himself. Darryl asked me if was an evangelist. I told him no; I wanted to do something nice for the guys. He said evangelists are normally the ones feeding the homeless, so he was impressed I stopped to do this. I asked him if he was an evangelist and he told me no, and said ‘I’m a prophet.’ Darryl went on to tell me how people only care about themselves today, and by paying attention to my servants heart, God was going to bless me.

The Subway guy said he was going to bless someone else with a meal. His smile was very contagious and I hope he paid it forward. Before I left, Darryl asked if he could tell me one more thing. He said the verse Matthew 6:33 was being downloaded into him and God will bless me beyond what I can fathom. ‘More than I can imagine.’ Matthew 6:33 says “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I left in tears because the words spoken through Darryl were things I needed to hear from a long week.

Jim was the name of the homeless man at the corner. He was so grateful and quite talkative. He divided up the sandwiches between him and his friends as we chatted. The whole time I kept thinking you’re someones child, maybe a father, but more importantly a person God created. Valuing people is something I’m starting to recognize as a life theme. My goal was to extend worth and value to Jim, so he could know he was seen.

God sometimes quietly nudges us to follow him. When we do follow him, He is crazy good. He’ll use us in quirky ways to show His love to others. May we see the face of God in each person we encounter.

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What is Financial Abuse?

Abuse comes in many different forms leading to different consequences and reactions. Abuse ultimately is always about power and control. The partners’ goal is to maintain power in the relationship and figure out how to control the other person. Financial abuse is one of the ways an abuser gains control of the situation. Financial abuse occurs when one intimate partner has control over the other partner’s access to economic resources, such as their source of income, credit cards, etc. This form of abuse is often prevalent and very subtle. The partner slowly works their control over the victim to take control of all possessions. When women or men leave a relationship, most people don’t have much beyond what is on their back or in their purse. The first time I left I had more possessions however it was due to the safety plan I had created with a friend.

There are many ways in which this subtle type of abuse can happen. The abusive partner wants total control of the finances and will do anything to maintain it. There are several examples below of how someone can financially control.

Try to prevent you from having access to bank and retirement accounts.
Placing your paycheck in their bank account (I always recommend direct deposit.)
Limiting the hours you work or where you can work.
Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities such as groceries, medical care or clothing.
Maxing out credit cards in your name.
Not paying bills and possibly ruining your credit.
Living in your home, but refusing to work.

As you can see, this type of control is all about who has the power in the relationship. My ex-husband would do anything to maintain that control when were married. I still remember having only $200/month for groceries. We worked at corporate jobs and made plenty of money, but he wanted to invest 40% of our income in mutual funds. Saving was his biggest priority, not taking care of his new family. Having money for necessities is still a trigger for me. Making sure our fridge is stocked with food and my kids are well fed is a big priority. This is due to the financial abuse I experienced for 3 years.

When safety planning to escape, I setup a credit card and bank account in my name. All paper correspondence for those accounts went to my work address. The last thing I needed was for him to find out what I was doing. When I finally left, I had set aside enough of my money to cover expenses while looking for a job. Not everyone can wait three months while saving to escape an abusive situation. You have to plan according to your safety and needs. Always do what’s best for your family and don’t wait if the situation is dire. InCharge Debt Solutions has some great resources for women escaping. While I’m not a fan of debt now, there are times when credit cards are absolutely necessary to use.

There are many components to financial abuse, but another one being highlighted in the news is intimate partner harassment at work. The trends are alarming as you can see below. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in the United States reports that:

25% – 50% of victims of abuse from a partner have lost their job due to domestic violence.
35% – 56% of victims of domestic violence are harassed at work by their partners.

While I never lost my job I was constantly harassed at work by my ex-husband. Before I left that position, it had effected my performance making my boss question my personal life. She had seen such a change in my demeanor, she recognized something outside of work was weighing on me. She was kind enough to talk to me about it and how we could turn my performance around. As the divorce proceedings started, she could see the shift not only in my demeanor, but in my work performance. It took having the courage to leave to turn my life around. Again, I’m lucky because I had an understanding work environment. Not everyone is so lucky as the above statistic indicates. This is where Safehouse Denver does a phenomenal job of educating companies in the Denver area. As part of the Community Engagement Committee, we work with employers to watch for signs, how to help employees and when to report the issue. All work environments can educate their managers to help employees when appropriate.

Each day I come home to a loving spouse, 2 kiddos, a house, and an abundant life. I’ve built this way of life intentionally over the last 15 years. Overcoming the repercussions of financial abuse can last a while. It takes time to come out of financial abuse and create a life free from debt. Once you find financial freedom, you feel alive. You create momentum in your life to go out and intentionally build the life what you want. My biggest take-away for any woman, man or child overcoming financial abuse is to believe you are enough and that you deserve to live financially free.

 

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Rebuild or walk away?

The older you get the harder it is to maintain friendships. Life ebbs and flows, friends move away, and people move on to other circles. Moving this last year and additional health issues caused me to be in a funk. I wondered if this was my new reality or something else was happening. Part of my issue was thyroid cancer and thank goodness it’s gone! The cancer was causing exhaustion and a low-level depression while wreaking emotional havoc on my body. During this time a good friend of mine stopped being friendly. As we met to talk through our issues, it became clear this person had chosen to walk away during this time. It hurt when the things they mentioned were brought on by the cancer and could have been worked through had I known sooner. This got me pondering about what to do when someone you like or love walks away. What do you do?

Figure out if it’s worth working through. This is a hard one to process. You need to take time to make sure both of the people in the relationship want to be friends. Working through boundaries on which life topics are safe can help move the relationship forward. My friend and I had to do the hard work of figuring out what we could and couldn’t talk about in order to continue the friendship. That’s never an easy conversation to have, but a necessary one. Some would think, ‘Well, is this truly a friend?’ But the answer can be yes. These types of conversations need to happen in order to be a better person and friend.

Do they reciprocate? This keeps coming up for me personally. If someone won’t hang out, text you back or call you, then stop bothering them. Time is so precious to everyone. You can’t get time back, so why waste it with people who don’t want to spend it with you? Find the people that love you for you and move on.

Find out why they walked away (if you can). Sometimes it’s best to let people walk away. There is a reason why they have left the friendship and that’s okay. If they are willing to talk, ask them what you did to cause the conflict. It can be something as little as ‘you hurt me when you said this’. Or maybe they need space to figure out life situations. Whatever it is, the following quote helps me navigate hard relationship decisions. Henry Cloud uses this illustration in his book, Necessary Endings to explain that if some relationships don’t end, your life cannot flourish. He writes, “Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they were meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them”.

How can you rebuild? Rebuilding takes time and should be done with intention. Reaching out and setting up coffee dates, etc. can be a time to reconnect. However, the re-connection needs to done on both sides for it to work. Rebuilding can take months as you navigate the new normal. In being intentional ask yourself, ‘Does this person still build me up and are we good influences in each others’ lives?’ Keeping these types of questions top-of-mind can help you figure out how to rebuild.

Is it worth your time? This is up to you and your friend. I love the picture quote above. As friends, we should clap loudest when someone has good news. Your circle or core group of friends should want you to win at all aspects of life. If they don’t, it’s time to get a new circle. Our loudest cheerleaders need to be the circle of friends in your life.

This friend and I worked everything out for the better. She says now I’m someone who listens when something is off and allows others to speak into my life. Our friendship has grown as a result of all this hard work. One of my life themes this last year has been how to be a better friend who loves well. There are many components to that statement, but God has made it abundantly clear who to keep in my life and how to love those people well. While a very lonely season, there is always a reason behind these rebuilding times. God wants you to surround yourself with those who lift you up, help you flourish and move you forward. Sometimes that means stepping away and letting go. Other times it means making it work. Whatever friendship season you are in, know that He always wants what is best for you and your friends.

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Digital Detox

This summer I decided to do a digital detox. What a hard thing to tackle. It tested my patience to not be in the know. I wondered what was

going on in others lives, but this time gave me space to be present with others. This is why it started in the first place, to be present in my little kids lives. Summer’s are always such precious times as families.

Taking a step back from the news, social media and other outlets truly helped me to refresh. It was such a lovely summer of refreshment. I’m thinking a  much shorter digital detox once a year will be a great way to reset life and expectations. A few of the things I learned are how to be more present, how to not carry my phone around, and how to have a conversation again with my family.

Technology isn’t a bad thing and it provides people the ability to communicate in an instant. But sometimes it can get in the way of communicating with those right next to you. I noticed last April as I was recovering from surgery that I was spending too much time on my phone. Granted laying on the couch after surgery is the time to read the news. None of that is bad, but I noticed I would get perturbed when one of my kids would interrupt me while I was catching up on world happenings. That’s when I decided to take on digital detox over the summer and try to be present with my family. So we created the ideas of adventures where we would go explore local hangouts. The kids love adventures and that’s what we call our outings. We realized we were onto something which would extend beyond summer.

This led to the next thing which was to buy a regular watch. I had read up on several reviews of the Apple Watch to find that it emits a lot of radiation. As a cancer survivor the last thing I need is more radiation. This parlayed into me looking into regular watches, so I wouldn’t use my phone as a watch. It’s been amazing to leave my phone on the counter and be able to tell time from my wrist. Again, nothing against technology, but I felt like I was accomplishing two goals with buying a watch.

Putting your phone up and not having it around when you eat meals together isn’t a new concept. My husband currently works for a technology company and I used to work for a software company where you’re expected to have your phone on you. I finally got my husband to agree to leaving it on the counter during dinner even if it’s just 15 minutes. His employees always call during dinner, so we’re used to being interrupted. However, Mike has finally started telling people he’ll call them back because we’re eating dinner. Coming to consensus over meals is huge for us as a family and it made a big difference. With the start of school it’s very cute to hear the kid’s stories at meal time. Our conversations are growing and the kids can see a difference in our attitudes.

A side note, next year when I do a digital detox it will be for a smaller amount of time. I realized that I can do it for 2 months, but 3 months is when I started posting the cool things going on in life. I also wanted to see what was going on with my friends who live far away. Digital detoxing was a wonderful goal to complete and provided me with new insights to incorporate into life. We all struggle with different aspects of the digital world, but making a point to be present in your current world will make your digital life much more interesting.

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Were you a Christian during your abusive marriage?

I’ve had people ask me several times if I was Christian during my first marriage. Some Christians find it hard to believe you can enter a marriage like this and be a Christian. I beg to differ as I was personally naive and ignored the warning signs. An early twenty-something doesn’t always have the life skills to recognize when something is amiss in someone else.

I was recently at a book event and this question came up after my talk. While being taken aback for 30 seconds, I gave them an answer I think they weren’t expecting. Yes I was Christian. Did I act like one during this phase of life? Nope. I was what you would call a little ‘c’ Christian. A little ‘c’ is someone who follows after God when it’s convenient and see Jesus as a blessing dispenser. A big ‘C’ Christian follows Jesus regardless of the outcome and faithfully walks with Him during all times. I explained to this sweet lady the choice I made changed the course of my life and God has used it for insane goodness.

Just last week I was at the pool with a friend and her parents. They explained what was going on with their oldest daughter and how she won’t leave an abusive marriage. You could see the desperation in their eyes asking what to do after exhausting all resources. We came up with some new strategies such as contacting their local shelter and finding a support group for emotional and verbal abuse. Her parents were so grateful as not many people are willing to speak into this prevalent issue.

The little Christian in me chose to get married to a man I thought loved me. He looked fantastic on paper and claimed to be a little ‘c’ too. Who knew it would turn out as it did and that’s where faith comes in. I had to lean on what little faith I had in myself and God to walk out of the relationship. After the divorce is when I became a big ‘C’ Christian by learning who I was in Christ and finding the security and love I was looking for all along.

I’ve honestly been surprised at people’s reactions to my story. Most people have lots of questions, are sympathetic and very kind. But a few opinionated people have questioned the validity of my testimony. Each person’s faith journey is filled with personal choices that either bring them closer to Christ or farther away. My hope is that those moments help make each person into a big ‘C’. For the few people who question my Christianity, they deserve nothing but grace and love.

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You’re exactly where you need to be

It’s summer! I love (insert heart emoji many times) summer in Evergreen. It’s my favorite season up in the foothills because there is no snow and its warm. If it could be like this all year, I’d be in heaven. I would prefer to live at the beach, but my husband won’t let me buy a beach house until I’m older (like 60). That’s another story for another time. Summer is always a carefree time for us. We have a lot more freedom to go, explore and have adventures. However, in addition to all the fun we have planned, I took on some personal development goals. July is when all of these events are happening, so to mitigate my stress I hired a life coach. We started over a week ago and I’m already thinking about my goals differently. She also implied I need to get my act together and start writing regularly (insert gulp).  As we debriefed during my first couple of sessions, I mentioned how I should be further along in life. I just turned 40 and have seen the amazing things others have done by that age. She reminded me that ‘you’re exactly where you need to be’. Maybe it’s turning 40 or all the health issues talking, but I have felt behind. Behind when I have to do everyday household tasks, take care of the kids and oh, by the way, get them prepared for kindergarten. We’re already behind on the last one cause we’re off having adventures most of the time. Just behind…

In being behind, the Bible story of Joseph keeps coming up. This story is a great reminder of how God is working in the midst of being exactly where you need to be. ‘Just as God used Joseph’s past to prepare him to save the nation of Israel in Genesis 37, He continues to prepare His people through the hard circumstances of yesterday and today. When face with past suffering, and the brothers who sold him into slavery, Joseph said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20) How has God prepared you for the current circumstances? How can you openly share your past experiences, including your hardships, to relate to those around you?’ The previous quote is from this BSF article. Now I’m not implying I’m on the same level as a bible character, but the life of Joseph had several twists and turns. He had to wait 13 years to be used in a huge way, and during that time he was in a service position and prison. He also had time in prison to learn how to forgive his family, forgive those who enslaved him and the cupbearer who forgot him. Joseph’s entire story is predicated on forgiveness in the midst of being exactly where he needed to be. Joseph wanted a new chapter in his life to begin, but he had to wait a while before the new chapter would start. That new chapter started when they remembered him in jail and then restored him to second in command in Egypt. That’s a big restoration story.

In all of the ups and downs, each of us yearns to have our stories restored into something bigger than we can see. It’s during those waiting and learning to forgive times, that our stories are written in unforgettable ways. I had a friend say this year, ‘Each of us needs to have a book written about our stories,” and I agree with her. All of us want to have a Joseph-sized story about our lives, but are we willing to pay the price for such a story? Joseph paid the price, although I would say not willingly at first. I thought about that a lot as I wrote my story. The choices I made certainly had repercussions on my life’s trajectory. In looking back at how far my life has come in 15 years, I can unequivocally say it was worth it. But the amazing thing to come from those years is restoration. It has been a restoration of hopes and dreams which at times I didn’t think was possible. The restoration didn’t happen overnight, but tucked away in the lonely places, God showed up when I needed him most. He placed me exactly where I needed to be in each circumstance.

My coach asked me to start thinking through some questions. What are my goals for the next few months? How do you want to build your life in a better way? How do you want to portray your story? Those answers are for her ears, but I’ve thought a lot about restoration and being a person of grace to others. How all of that morphs into goals remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure, I’m exactly where I need to be.

 

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