Benjamin Sobieck's Blog, page 42
February 20, 2012
A Political Humor E-Book That Gets It Right
Does it really matter what political parties "stand for" any more? What if you stripped away the bumper stickers, the phony piety and hollow everymanism to expose their true essence? You'd probably end up with something similar to ninjas and pirates. Both hate each other. Why? Who cares. Let's fight.
There are similar scenes in Laura Roberts's excellent humor novella, Rebels of the 512. (Note to author Roberts: I know you're an editor and may ding me for using "Roberts's," but I stand firm on using 's on singular nouns. Just be glad I didn't write "scene's" just now. You'd probably kill me.) In a pitched battle between ninjas and pirates, the exhausted sides agree to settle it on an arm wrestling match.
While this makes for good humor, it reveals a potent remark about politics. Heated debates often devolve into childish gestures hurled between sides. Whoever puts up the strongest fight wins, regardless of whether it was the best outcome.
Understanding the political references isn't critical to enjoying Rebels of the 512. Neither is living in Austin, Texas, where the piece takes place. Nor is knowing much about Texas Gov. Rick Perry, parodied here as villian "Nick Harry."
All you really need to know is that Gov. Harry's budget cuts put teacher Suzie Jimenez out of a job. She goes on the warpath with a group of ninjas determined to defeat Harry's pirates. Hilarity ensues.
But the plot isn't what makes Rebels of the 512 tick. It's Roberts's sense of comedic timing that really matters - and shines. Writing humor is all about knowing when to plant and harvest a joke. It's something that can't be taught. An author either has it or doesn't. Roberts has it in spades.
That's why Rebels of the 512 is such a fine read. This is an author who knows how to write humor. Don't be fooled by the slapstick, it's not an easy thing to do. That she wrote it in three days as part of a contest proves Roberts's humor chops beyond the remotest shadow of a doubt.
Click here to pick up Rebels of the 512 on Amazon for $2.99.
Click here to get it from Smashwords (all e-reader formats available).
February 19, 2012
Worth Checking Out: Partners in Crime Blog Tours
The world of indie author promotion is full of pitfalls. Of greatest concern are the grifters selling advertising they know goes no where. Directory listings, display ads and various boutique social networks all vie for attention - and dollars. The odds can stack up quick against an honest author in a dishonest Internet.
[image error] There are only a handful of places I'd recommend authors plunk down their hard-earned dollars. One of those is Partners in Crime Tours.
Partners in Crime offers blog tours renowned for effectiveness and efficiency. It's helmed by great folks passionate about books, such as Molly Edwards of Reviews by Molly. I've known Molly for some time, and can vouch for her work ethic and bright personality.
If all this sounds like a commercial, I'm not getting any money for it. I've also not engaged on a tour myself. But you know who has? Vincent-frickin'-Zandri, one of my favorite crime authors. He sold a quarter-million e-books last year. Here's what he said here.
"Partners in Crime did such a great job on the tour for my novel, Scream Catcher, I could hardly keep up. For one full month I woke up to a new review, guest blog post, interview or sometimes all three! Not a day was wasted. In fact, on some days, two new reviews came out. The tour not only spread the word about my new publication, it resulted in increased sales. I'd recommend them to anyone. Great job!"
What I can say is if I was looking to do a blog tour, I'd hire Partners in Crime. Good, hard-working people deserve recognition. And I'm more than happy to recommend Partners in Crime.
February 18, 2012
Submissions Sought for Cool Horror Anthology
The sequel to the fantastic 8 Days of Madness horror anthology (of which I'm proud to say I am a contributor) is looking for submissions.
Authors, this is an annual anthology hosted by Chris Allinotte - a terrific guy and bonafide horror guru.
Readers, egg on your favorite authors to submit something. It's a lot of fun for everyone.
February 17, 2012
When is it OK to Kill Animals in Fiction?
There are two reasons people will be talking about The Wrong Delivery - Corrin's Eyes, by McDroll:
1) The depiction of a dog's gruesome death in the first paragraphs.
2) The twist at the end that you won't see coming.
The story opens with Morna - one half of a couple (the husband being Gordon) in Scotland - finding their dog Corrin dead outside their home. As Morna makes her way to the house, she's hit with another shock that makes it clear Corrin's death was no accident.
Killing animals (and for that matter, children) in fiction has always been a sensitive topic. Some people will be appalled that this short story opens in such a way. They'd be overreacting. Be it animals or children, the difference between a gratuitous death and a justifiable one (in the writing sense) is how it relates to the plot.
In this case, McDroll uses the death as the pivot on which the entire story revolves. There's a reason the story is called Corrin's Eyes and not Morna's Bad Day.
As for the twist, I'm not giving that away in the least bit. All I can say is after I read the ending, I went back and re-read the whole thing. The non-linear format of the story begs for it. Readers will find the most satisfaction when they answer that calling.
McDroll once again proves herself as one of the most capable indie crime authors today. Give this short story a read.
February 16, 2012
FREE E-BOOK of a Funny Detective Short Story
Maynard Soloman Solves the War on Drugs FREE - ALL E-Book Formats Supported
"Maynard is the philosopher-cum-man-of-action that we all wish we could be, the detective who solves mysteries by turning idiocy against itself." - Peter Rozovsky, Detectives Beyond Borders (Spinetingler Award winner)
"I recommend to everyone who is looking for a quick read. It's perfect for that pick me up laugh, that bathroom read, that afternoon escape." - Molly Edwards, Reviews by Molly
"Oh my goodness! I'm not sure when I've laughed so hard. It was like having a conversation with the man from the 'Grumpy Old Men' movie! So much fun!" - Gina Hott, Hott Books
"It never ceases to amaze me how this young man has created such a perfect crotchety old character. This is such a fun series and Maynard has become one of my favorite characters." - Michelle Peden Vasquez, Life in Review
"With a satirical take on everything from America's war on drugs to immigration law to social security, Maynard Soloman is a mobile home-dwelling crime-fighting dynamo. He may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but he sure is amusing." - Laura Roberts, ePublisher Daily
"With a chip on his shoulder and more than his share of attitude, the protagonist presents himself as a force to be reckoned with and immediately captured my interest." - Chantal Boudreau, author/illustrator
* Author nominated for Best Short Story of 2011 by Preditors & Editors Readers Poll.
Fans of funny detective stories, meet Maynard Soloman, gal-damn detective. Some would say he's crusty, profane and clueless. But if you ask him, he solves the world's problems one case at a time. Once you experience his 1930s-style of doing business in a 21st century world, you just might agree.
In this misadventure, Maynard wraps his arms around the War on Drugs. Or is the war wrapping itself around his beloved Winnebago RV and threatening to bust down the door? Either way, the Ol' Badger will solve this business of the War on Drugs once and for all.
Click a link to get this free e-book for a variety of devices.
Kindle
Nook/epub
PDF
All other formats
February 14, 2012
What "Justified" Got Wrong (and Right) About Kidney Transplants
SPOILER ALERT: DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE FEB. 14, 2012, EPISODE OF JUSTIFIED.
Tonight's episode of Justified featured a creepy doctor bad guy taking both kidneys from loveable bad guy Dewey Crowe. To get his kidneys back, Dewey needed to find $20,000 in four hours - presumably the time it takes to die from a lack of kidneys.
I don't want to be a pompous snot - and I don't expect total medical accuracy from my favorite TV show - but the specifics of kidney transplants are kind of my "thing." I got one in 2010, so I want to highlight what they show portrayed as accurate and not so accurate. I do this because there is a lot of misinformation out there that could affect whether someone becomes a donor.
What It Got Wrong
* Although it turns out Dewey never had his kidneys removed in the first place, he would most likely not die in four hours. It'd likely take days or weeks for toxins to build up to lethal amounts. Poisons and their side effects would torch other critical organs. It's a gradual process. Heck, my two bum kidneys operated at less than 10% for most of my life. And I didn't even know it.
* It's mentioned twice (once by the creepy doctor, once by the strippers) that kidney transplants occur in sets of two. This isn't true. You only need one kidney. That's all that's ever donated. The creepy doctor was selling himself short by claiming to have one recipient in Chicago for two kidneys.
* Cutting a kidney out and selling it on the black market in a matter of hours won't work. Aside from blood types, there are all kinds of factors to match a donor to a recipient. An example is PRA (panel reactive antibody). The PRA measures what tissue attributes, called Human Leukocyte Antigens (HLA), a recipient's immune system will attack compared to the donor. My PRA was a 6% compared to my donor, which is well below the threshold of 25% needed to get in the clear. Sound confusing? You're right. Which is why a quick turnaround on a black market kidney isn't going to work.
* A character (I forget which one) mentions a kidney taken out of a drowning victim. This is extremely rare. As my doctors told me, "Most people don't die correctly." Most cadaver kidneys come from people who died in controlled settings, such as on life support. With car wrecks, drownings and any sort of unexpected death, the kidneys usually die from lack of oxygen unless promptly removed.
* Although the creepy doctor never took Dewey's kidneys, the incisions he made were totally off. You'd need some nimble fingers to reach the kidneys after cutting on either side of the abdominal muscles.
What It Got Right
* As Raylan said, "Kidneys are for pissin'."
* Also as Raylan said, dying of kidney failure usually involves nodding off and not waking up.
* Justified is still the best crime drama on TV.
10 Other Things You May Not Know About Kidney Transplants
1) The kidney count goes from 2 to 3, not 2 to 1. Surgeons add kidneys to bowel rosters, they don't subtract. They don't remove the bad kidneys. These are absorbed into the body after they completely shut down.
2) Blood type is not the most important factor for determining donor candidacy. Whenever I'd tell someone I needed a kidney, a typical response (and I don't mean this in a negative way) was, "What blood type are you?" While blood type is important, it's not the most important. That's because EVERYTHING is the most important. Medical history, tissue type, kidney function and countless other variables are extremely important. Thankfully, there are doctors who can decode everything and match donor to recipient.
3) Recipients aren't put on "the list" right away. The list I'm referring to is that one your grandpa went on before getting a kidney from a motorcycle wreck. Or the great aunt who got another 20 years from a cadaver. Recipients are only put on this list (which is a very complex list in and of itself) after willing donors are ruled out.
4) Receiving a transplanted kidney isn't a fast process. This isn't like going in for a physical. Expect to wait months, even years, for a new kidney. Everything depends on how fast willing donors are matched, and how lucky (or not) recipients are on "the list."
5) Most transplanted kidneys last an average of 20 years. This means a strapping young lad such as myself will need another kidney at age 45. Although some kidneys can last up to 40+ years, this is not common.
6) People with kidney disease may not even know it. I had it most of my life and didn't have a clue. The symptoms were never enough for me to worry. These include random bouts of fatigue (who doesn't?), bad breath (name someone who hasn't had it), twitching during sleep (hey, it beats other bodily functions) and others. Since chronic kidney disease takes place over many years, bodies sometimes get used to it.
7) There are five stages of kidney disease. Unsurprisingly, those stages are: 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. This is because the doctor who came up with this system ran out of fingers on his right hand. (I hope I'm kidding) The fifth stage is also called "end stage."
8 ) Not everyone with end stage kidney disease needs dialysis. While someone waits for a kidney, he/she must need dialysis, right? Nope. Some people can continue to function while waiting for a kidney. It depends on the severity of the situation.
9) The cause of kidney disease is sometimes unknown. This is my case. My kidneys have been so messed up for so long that they couldn't be tested for causation.
10) Kidney recipients need to go to the dentist. If you don't take off your shoes in the entryway, the whole house gets dirty. Same concept here.
BSP: Maynard Soloman, a crusty and profane private detective, is a product of my frustrating road to recovery. Check him out in 4 Funny Detective Stories - Starring Maynard Soloman.
Diagram of kidney transplant via Wikipedia here.
February 13, 2012
5 Crappy Valentine's Gifts from a Dollar Store
Each Valentine's Day, my wife and I pick out gag gifts for each other from dollar stores. It's become a tradition more fun than the holiday itself (if you ask me). Maybe this list will give someone ideas for that last-minute V-Day gift.
The two frumpiest people of all time take a walk on the beach. Probably after a romantic dinner at Applebee's. The inside reads, "I think I'm very fortunate to have a wife like you." In other words, "I'm not sure if I was OK with us not splitting the tab at Applebee's."
Although the heart graphic looks like something you'd find on an AED, it's supposed to be a broken heart. Fellas, check the socks of your dames. It's the only way to know whether they're heart breakers. Or just don't be a douche and you won't have to worry about it.
You can't fully appreciate how creepy these "clip lips" are unless you see them up close. Maybe it's because even these fake lips look to be injected with collagen. It's the perfect gift to terrorize those sock-sporting heart breakers. Note to self: Store with the Halloween decorations.
As seen in Inspector Gadget's bathroom, these nail clippers were in the V-Day gift section for some reason. I give them 45 seconds of use before they break. I'll go ahead and dial 9 and 1 on the phone right now.
Love and luck often go hand and hand, which is what brought me to these fortune cookies. These things are notorious for being poorly written in the first place. But dollar store fortune cookies? That's got to be a whole 'nuther level of awfulness. I'm looking forward to fortunes like, "Never pet a dog on Sunday" and "You will fund luck yesterday" or "STEVE 555-2121 One fried rice, one chicken special, one eggroll to go."
And when you're all done with your shopping, you can dump your haul in this "gift bag." Also known as a "glorified trash bag." Even for a dollar store, it feels like I'm being taken advantage of here. Next year, I'm stickin' it to The Man and grabbing a trash bag from under the sink.
What are your Valentine's Day plans?
BSP: If you're really up a creek with your V-Day gifts, I recommend getting your significant other my e-book, 4 Funny Detective Stories Starring Maynard Soloman. You can read it while he/she moves out.
February 11, 2012
Spinetingler Award-Winning Blog Reviews Maynard Soloman
A fantastic review of 4 Funny Detective Stories - Starring Maynard Soloman from Detectives Beyond Borders:
"Maynard Soloman is an American archetype — solo man. Get it? — roaming the heartland alone, free of emotional commitments, fighting for the little guy, his only goals self-preservation and righting wrongs.
"Except he and the stories in which he appears are funnier than all that. His steed is a decaying Winnebago motor home on which a vandal has spray-painted that Maynard Soloman Investigation Services SUKS!, and Soloman is on the run not from outlaws or marauding Comanches, but from unpaid medical bills.
"The titles of the 4 Funny Detective Stories — Starring Maynard Soloman say much about author Benjamin Sobieck's targets: Maynard Soloman Solves the War on Drugs, Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony, Maynard Solomon & The Job-Nabbin' Illegal Immigrants, and, in a story that comes as close to heart-warming as the old cuss gets, Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real.
Click here to read the full review.
February 10, 2012
Vote for Your Mud Wrestler: Maynard Soloman vs. Miss Marple
For a brief moment yesterday, 4 Funny Detective Stories - Starring Maynard Soloman beat out a collection of Miss Marple stories. It might only be a coincidence, but a loud rolling sound could be heard near Agatha Christie's grave.
This "beating" of one of crime fiction most beloved detectives had Peter Rozovsky of Detectives Without Borders wondering about mud wrestling. As in, who would win in a mud wrestling competition? Maynard or Miss Marple?
Peter is voting for Maynard. "I'd pick Maynard on luck and guile." I'm actually going with Miss Marple. I hear she was quite the bearcat in her chamber back in the day.
What about you? Leave a comment below with your vote and explain why. The best response at the end of the weekend will get not only a free copy of 4 Funny Detective Stories - Starring Maynard Soloman, but will also be forever known as an honorary Ol' Badger.
Vote away! It's no less ridiculous than Jennifer Garner playing Miss Marple in a new movie.
On Twitter: #battleoftheoldfarts
Review: "11 the Hardest Way" by Graham Smith
Let's get this out of the way first. 11 the Hardest Way is not the novel adaptation of a porno. It's a collection of 11 short stories from crime author Graham Smith. It's way better than 40 e-reader pages of "oh baby"s.
Some stories are funny, or at least have an ironic twist. Others are tragic. All are punchy in the way only authors from the United Kingdom can write.
Yeah, I'll make a sweeping generalization about crime authors on the east side of the pond. They keep things to the point. Here's your crime story, now shut your mouth before your face gets sandpapered with the grit of another one.
Graham Smith is no exception. His style is blunt in the most brutal sense possible. Like trying to find the give in the hurt side of a knuckle.
On that note, the best story of the bunch involves not a punch but a bullet. One coming from a sniper on a rooftop. He's aiming at an actress who made a personal attack in a public way. The ending is one of the most unexpected, most satisfying wrap-ups I've encountered yet.
Check out 11 the Hardest Way by Graham Smith on Amazon for the Kindle. I'm sure it'll be on Barnes & Noble for the Nook and other fine e-book retailers soon enough. It's perfect for a quick crime pick-me-up. Or a punch to the face.
