Selene Castrovilla's Blog, page 8

My Life Without Wine: Day Three

 

 

I would like to buy a llama and name it Dolly. This has nothing to do with this post, but I ran across this picture in my files when I was “adding media.”

I’m fine. Actually, I feel good! I’ve been hitting the gym – a fairly yucky one, but it’s big and people aren’t pressed against me and I can use the machines I want in peace. I’ll take that over fancy any day. I do need to get my own exercise mat, because the ones at this place are grotesque. And really, what’s the point of using a “communal” mat? Might as well lie in the floor – except that’s even more grotesque. There’s a corner spot in this gym with a big picture window overlooking the parking lot, and when I lie down (lay down? God help me, that’s one grammatical rule that floats through my brain without a trace) I can see the branches of a big tree and that’s what I look at while I do my stretching and breathing. At the risky of sounding “granola,” I am at one with nature.

This is not the tree outside the gym, but you get the idea.

The sunset reflected into my deck window! I have endeavored to make every room one with a view.

And at home I’m also one with nature, looking at the water from every conceivable spot in my house. Right now I’m in in my office, looking at the flowing current through my gauzy plum curtains. It’s like looking at the world through violet colored glasses. My office companion Molly is sleeping in front of my computer. All is well.

I don’t need the wine. It was just something to do to occupy myself, and to fit into society. I’ve always wanted to belong. I believe this is a universal desire, and at 48 I realize that I do in fact belong – all I have to do is accept myself.

All these distractions and addictions we burden and hurt ourselves with. They are just avoidance. How did we come to be so afraid of being alone and looking inside? Where did our insecurities and shame come from? We weren’t born with them.

Sitting with a glass of wine made me feel socially acceptable. And that made me feel more acceptable to me. A chilling thought, actually.

So there you have it. As they say in recovery, “Take what you want and leave the rest.”

I can take or leave wine. But if you touch my coffee, I will cut you.

Bye for now.

Apparently I’m not alone in my thoughts. I wager many creative minds have felt this way. Poor Poe. Such tragic brilliance. BTW, his birthday is January 19. Happy birthday, Poe!

 

My Life Without Wine: Day One

Okay. I’d been hitting the vino a bit vigorously. In the beginning I’d add ice. But, hey, that’s kind of gauche isn’t it? So I started pouring it “straight.”

They say wine is healthy, right? But what’s that word we Americans so steadfastly ignore? Oh, I know. It’s moderation. So dull, so slow. The word plods, doesn’t it? So no, I was not exercising moderation. Yeesh.

And anyway, I was drinking organic wine! Who could find fault with that? As it turns out, my fat cells found no fault with that at all. In fact, they relished it. They expanded in pleasure from all that rapid sugar. This from Dr. Silver, my chiropractor who serves as my all-around guru when I take the time to consult him (in other words, when I’m ready to know something and not bury my head in the sand.)

There are so many things to learn in life! Maybe that’s why it takes us so many years to get grounded. I was telling Dr. Silver that life is like Slum Dog Millionaire – our experiences give us the answers we’ll eventually need.

I’m not an alcoholic. But as my friend Pascale observed the other day, “Being a wino is socially acceptable.” Perhaps it’s a nefarious PR campaign from the vineyards. Maybe wine is the new “milk” – neither of which do a body good. Actually, wine is better than milk. Go figure. I started drinking wine more at my writing retreats. Cocktail hour became the reward at the end of the day’s work – and soon I was Pavlov’s dog at the sound of the cork popping.

When I was a kid I discovered I loved beer, and I’ve gone through stints such as my “Corona Summer” a couple of years ago (Corona Light, to be specific – with lime n’est pas) but in the past year or so wine became my mainstay. More and more. The wind flowed past the retreats, and I was buying cases during my liquor store’s semi-annual sale. And going through them quicker and quicker.

Cougar Town was no help. What the hell??? How are these women so thin with all guzzling??? I know it’s TV, but I thought: Maybe it’s because they’re drinking red wine. The truth is, maybe they’re not really drinking all that wine. Or maybe they’re training their asses off. Or maybe they’re having surgery. Or maybe they’ve signed deals with the devil. Is there a painting of Courteney Cox in her closet, getting fatter and fatter?

The other thing you need to know in all these pieces is that I have one body feature I abhor, and it’s not what you’re thinking. I can live with my butt (hey, I don’t have to look at it) and I can suck in my belly at parties. Can you guess? It’s my upper arms. In a word, they’re bulbous. Flappy, too. I’m surprised I can’t fly.

Even when I lost a ton of weight about ten years ago – I was hot! – I still had my flaps. What a disappointment. I worked out with a trainer and spent countless hours in the gym, but those suckers wouldn’t succumb. I even went for a plastic surgery consultation, but the cost was high – and then Kanye West’s mama died. Certainly he would pay for the best surgeon! This meant that plastic surgery was deadly. The end.

Sometimes I wear t-shirts, but generally they’re huge ones in order to cover up. It’s not because I don’t want anyone else to see - I don’t want to see. Puffs of bloat pop out from under the sleeves of regular t-shirts. Actually, I look better in a tank top. But not better enough.

Then I heard about “lipo-light.” They use LED lights and heat to liquify the fat, and then you exercise immediately afterward so that the fat winds up in the lymph system and will be eliminated. Something like that. Dr. Silver says that could work!

I’d heard about it a couple of months ago, but didn’t dare investigate because I knew it would be pricey. But then there was a Groupon for it. I went for a consultation – and I’m giving it a go!

Here’s where it all ties together like in Slum Dog Millionaire: they want me to give up my wine. They say there’s no point if I don’t follow with a good diet. They could find no fault with my food, but the wine was the sticking point.

But I must be ready, because though my initial reaction was a look so sharp that I felt myself shooting it at her, like a death ray. But then I thought, Okay. I’ll get more writing done. Seriously, I don’t know how Hemingway did it.

Less guzzling can only lead to more writing! I’ll have to put my water in a purple wine glass.

So this is day one. I’ll let you know how it goes. (Yesterday, following my session, I forwent alcohol at lunch with my older son who had accompanied me to the appointment as the voice of reason, in case they tried to get me to spend thousands, which they did not.) I also didn’t have any wine when I got home. I did have one glass at a networking function in a bar – hey, they gave me a ticket for a free drink. C’mon!)

The good news is: I can pay for the lipo-light with the money I save from not buying wine!

Bye for now.

Or not…

Hard Work Pays Off (Eventually)

A New Year’s gift! I received an e-mail from my mentor, a well-known children’s writer. He took me seriously when I joined the Long Island Children’s Writers and Illustrators years ago with determination and muster but also much to learn. He listened to my early stories, and critiqued me honestly.

Today he wrote:

“I finished your new book some days ago, but waited to write until now. I can say, for sure, that the fanfare your book has received in reviews is deserving. The book’s impact sat upon me for days, (hence my delay in writing). When your construction of plot, creation of 3-dimensional characters and their interplay, and use of language leave such lasting impressions on the reader, (even if a bit painful), you’ve approached literature as an art form…as all true art must emotionally affect its viewer or reader. You have done this. You have created a niche for yourself and are clearly a new voice and a new force in YA literature. I still remember first meeting you…WOW!…Look at what has happened! I also saw that you will be presenting at the SCBWI Metro monthly workshops. Congrats again. I am pleased to have as a friend and colleague someone who shares my passion for the craft.”

After reading this, I took several moments to breathe and take it in. I think we sometimes brush over important moments in our lives, in our rush to the next thing, or to do the dishes or please someone else. Or because we are somehow embarrassed by compliments.

I’m celebrating this moment, and cherishing it. His words mean so much, because this is a man who does not compliment falsely. I have earned his respect.

I’m so proud, and I share with you not only because I’m proud, but also because this is proof that if you work hard (to put it mildly), you will succeed. I can’t tell you when or how, but I can tell you that you will.

Bye for now.

 

A Giveaway and a Pep Talk!

Happy New Year!

I’m giving away AT LEAST a dozen e-copies of MELT, 6 signed copies and a “grand giveaway” case of thirty signed copies, which must be used by a high school, library or juvenile detention center reading group (I will only ship to one of these places, and it must be domestic.)

For your chance at one of these items please:

1. Like my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/SCastrovilla)

2. Tweet the following:

#NewYear #Meltdown! Check out @SCastrovilla ‘s #yalit #romance MELT & see details on how to her #flash #giveaway! https://www.facebook.com/SCastrovilla

(Note: If you don’t have Twitter, you can use an alternate form of social media.)

3. Comment “I’m having a New Year’s Meltdown!” on my Facebook page. (If you’d like a chance at the case of signed books, please indicate that you work at or are affiliated with one of the above-mentioned places.)

(Note: If you don’t have Twitter, you can use an alternate form of social media.)

This giveaway will run through the weekend. (Okay, it’s longer than a flash. But I like the term!) I may give extra copies away if the mood strikes .

 

And now: A New Year pep talk!

We have all had crushing things happen to us, and perhaps the most hurtful was when people crushed our dreams. We were young, easily influences, insecure, vulnerable. We didn’t know the power of what we believed in.

But the great news is that, as George reminds us, it’s not too late. So let 2015 be the year that you return to your dream, and rediscover the joy it brought you. Because the real gift is that joy, and the shame is in depriving yourself of it.

Revel in what you are destined to do!

 

Bye for now.

As I Sit Writing: Giving Thanks to William Faulkner

Happy Thanksgiving!

I’m writing the sequel to MELT, also in alternating voices. Actually, it may have many voices instead of two. (Don’t hold me to that! Still gestating.)

On this day of gratitude, I want to give thanks to William Faulkner, whose novel AS I LAY DYING was the impetus for me to write in more than one voice.

First edition

I read this novel while in the masters program for creative writing at The New School. Dale Peck was my teacher. I disliked the bulk of the books we read that semester. I felt that that were too forced in their structure – too beholden to the style they were representing. For example, it was pure torture to read Virginia Woolf’s THE WAVES. Good God. We had to write a paper about each book, and at the end of this one I wrote, “I now know why Virginia Woolf walked into the waves.”

My son read TO THE LIGHTHOUSE in his first college semester. He asked me, “Why does she write like this?” I answered, “Just be glad you don’t have to read THE WAVES.”

Someone once commented on the plot of a Virginia Woolf novel, and she responded, “There was no plot.” I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want a plot in your novel – is it a story without a plot? Or is it rambling?

But I’m not here to bash Virginia Woolf (even though I just did.) I’m here to celebrate William Faulkner, who showed us how brilliant and moving stream of conscious writing could be when incorporated into the structure of story, moving forward to SOMEWHERE.

I remember where I was when I read certain passages of AS I LAY DYING. They moved me SO much. I felt each character’s pain, or lack of. These are people you would never want to be associated with, and yet I was absorbed completely into their lives. Faulkner embodied the human condition so fully, in a way that I had only experienced through Shakespeare and JD Salinger. This book changed my life, and led me to the path toward my next phase of writing. I would not be the writer that I am if not for William Faulkner.

I remember too well the ironic night we discussed AS I LAY DYING in class. It was the day when George W. Bush declared war on Iraq. We were all upset, and spoke about this for a few moments when Dale said, “Let’s not take away from the discussion time of this beautiful novel.” He was right, but looking back, the War against Iraq had similar overtones to AS I LAY DYING.

Did anyone else notice that while the people were protesting in the streets of Ferguson, brightly lit green and red signs proclaiming “Season’s Greetings” were arched above them? This is irony, played out in real time. This is the thing novels are made of. This is humanity, just as Faulkner described it. Circumstances change, but people do not.

I looked up AS I LAY DYING on Wikipedia and found facts I didn’t know:

“As I Lay Dying is a 1930 novel by American author William Faulkner. Faulkner said that he wrote the novel from midnight to 4:00 AM over the course of six weeks and that he did not change a word of it. Faulkner wrote it while working at a power plant, published it in 1930, and described it as a ‘tour de force.’  Faulkner’s fifth novel, it is consistently ranked among the best novels of 20th-century literature. The title derives from Book XI of Homer’s THE ODYSSEY, wherein Agamemnon speaks to Odysseus: ‘As I lay dying, the woman with the dog’s eyes would not close my eyes as I descended into Hades.'”

It makes sense for stream of conscious to come pouring out, but it takes courage to open oneself and allow it. I still struggle with the latter. But Faulkner’s courage shows me that I am not alone – and he reminds me that such a task is indeed possible.

Sometimes I feel I am less a writer, and more a conductor for the voices in my head. And it scares me, because I wonder if they’ll abandon me. But maybe they have the same fears. Maybe they wonder if I’ll stop letting them out. We need each other.

Enjoy your day in a manner which pleases and serves both you and your muse. Even if you’re not a writer, be certain of this: you DO have a muse. Enjoy each other!

Bye for now.

Meet Me in DC!

It’s conference season!

Right now I’m sitting in a Starbuck’s in Austin, Texas – where I’ll be signing 200 copies of MELT at Yalsa’s Young Adult Literature Symposium for young adult library collections around the country!

http://yalitsymposium12.ning.com/

Next week I’ll be in Washington, D.C. for the National Council of Teachers of English convention, doing a panel discussion called Real Stories: Adding Flesh to the Bare Bones of Fact.

http://center.uoregon.edu/NCTE/2014An...

Being on the road is fun, though not conducive to writing! I have to sequester myself next week. Between my launch, blog tour and conventions – I have a lot of catching up to do! (And forget about laundry!)

Since my friend and fellow author Marry Dane Brimner is on the DC panel with me (indeed – it was his idea & labor – I merely hitched a ride on his star!) I thought I’d share an interview I did with him back in 2012. Wow, so much has changed since then. But literature remains an anchor of humanity.

Here’s the link! Enjoy:

http://selenecastrovilla.blogspot.com...

My Daily Meltdown Epilogue: A Happy Beginning!!!

Hello!

What am amazing week it’s been. My blog tour kicked off last Monday, and I made three awesome stops:

Nov. 3

Once Upon A Twilight

http://www.onceuponatwilight.com/2014...

Thanks to Laura of Once Upon A Twilight for giving Melt five stars! (Or, actually, trees in this case.)

Laura writes:“Is it wrong to say that I LOVED this story when it was so depressing to read? There were times where I was crying, no sobbing, for a fictional character.”

Dear Laura,

If that’s wrong, I don’t want you to be right!

Sincerely,

Selene

Nov. 5

Lulo Fangirl

http://lulofangirl.com/2014/11/05/aut...

Thanks to Christina Marie for an awesome interview, where I talked about how I knew I wanted to be an author and the steps I took to live my dream – and much more! There’s a lot to learn about me here

Nov. 7

Addicted Readers

http://addictreaders.blogspot.com/201...

Thanks to Alicia, who asked me to write a guest post about MELT’s connection with THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ. This delves even deeper than my Meltdown post on the subject, because I provide each quote from WWOZ that I used, and explain why I chose it in relation to MELT. (I knew this post was coming up on my tour, which is why I didn’t get into such details in My Daily Meltdown. So if you’ve been craving more on the connection behind the quotes – here it is!)

And then, of course, there was launch day!

WOW!!!

I’m still reeling from the response. Thank you SO MUCH to all the bloggers and readers who spread the word. I wish we could all hang out together and celebrate in person.

The next best thing is online! And I’d love for you to join me at my Facebook Launch Party, where we can chat, and you may win some fun prizes! I will also have four guest authors hanging out and giving away copies of their amazing books!!!

https://www.facebook.com/events/15289...

Please don’t forget to enter my Rafflecopter Tour-Wide Giveaway for a chance to win a $100 Amazon gift card + a signed hardcover copy of MELT!!!

(You can enter at the blog tour stops.)

Thanks for supporting and reading. You’re the connection I seek with my words.

Love,

Selene

Bye for now.

My Daily #Meltdown: Me, Myself & You

Welcome to My LAST Daily Meltdown: where I’ve been counting down the days until the release of Melt with insights and explanations which I hope you’ve found illuminating.

I decided to give you something of myself today. Why I specifically, so deeply connect to writing a young adult “bildungsroman.”

Being human, we are all made up of many emotions and facets. Problems come when certain ones take over, due to our experiences and learned environment. At least, that’s what happened to me. I don’t claim to have universal answers, but I share myself with the thought that we have a commonality we can all draw comfort from. In fact, we are not alone.

My novels are all, in essence, my attempt to reach out to you. To connect. Because what else do we have, but each other?

It bothers me when people write books claiming to have the answers for others, because it’s up to each of us to find our own. Literature is a torch, which we may carry as we head down our paths. But we must find the path for ourselves.

If we are teens, YA literature is an essential torch as we head down that path. If we are older, YA literature is the torch to carry while walk back, to reflect and understand. It’s never too late to do this. I’ve used my own writing to do this – involuntarily. Hell, I was kicking and screaming. And crying.

I’ve never understood “fantasy” writing. As Richard Peck said at a talk a few years ago, “The real world is dystopian enough.” I guess some people want to escape – to “forget.” I don’t think that’s possible – the deeper you bury something the more internal injuries it causes. That’s what happened in my case.

There is something of me and my struggle to understand my experiences in all my novels. But Saved by the Music, my first novel, is the one that directly confronted my issues.

Growing up, I felt like an outsider. Like I was separated by a glass pane, looking in.

“I was like a stray dog with her face pushed against a restaurant window, begging for scraps.”

-From Saved by the Music

I lived my life as a beggar for many years past my youth, not knowing that the answers to happiness were inside me all alone. You see: here is where The Wizard of Oz fits in. I guess sometimes fantasy isn’t so bad.

I have no idea why Dorothy’s story, out of many which carry the “searching for home” theme, resounded and continues to resound so much with me. Maybe because I saw it as a child, and these spontaneous, unexpected moments mean so much to us. Maybe it was the first story I encountered that had this theme. We all know the impact of “firsts.” Maybe it was a glimmer of light in the darkness I lived in (sorry for the melodrama, but it’s true.) My mom had pretty big, undiagnosed personality issues and my dad was a heroin addict. I was an only child. I think that’s enough said. (If you want to know more, Saved by the Music addresses some of this.)

There were two things inside me which were eating me alive:

1. My empathy for others had no boundaries. I felt everyone’s pain as though it were mine.

2. I was allowing desperation to rule me. For love. For belonging. For some kind of home.

There are so many things I did to work on myself. But sitting down to write a young adult novel about my experiences was a biggie. The book was my thesis at The New School. I told my advisor that I was scared to let everything out because doing so might kill me. She responded, “Keeping it inside is killing you. It’s poisoning you.” My old pain was an emotional cancer, eating away at my mind and soul. It affected my decisions, big and small. It ruled me. All I had to do was see that, and release it. So I did.

It wasn’t that easy of course. Writing that book was my first step, and it didn’t actually heal me. It was like exploratory surgery, to identify the problem.

But I did it, and I continued to write about teens. Because everyone goes through something in their adolescence which defines them. And if I want to find out why people hurt each other – or at least pose the question to my audience – the place to explore is the teen years.

Which brings us to my personal connection with Melt. I think (and I just realized this a moment ago, as I took a break from writing to pet my cat) that although Melt is based on the experiences of my boxing coach Joe, there is a lot of me to be found in it as well: inside the passages from The Wizard of Oz.

Yes, now I see this well.

My torch is blazing.

I’m grateful for the recognition you’ve given me – and the connection. I love you.

God bless us all. (In whatever way that means to each of us.)

Bye for now.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

-George Eliot

 

 

 

My Daily #Meltdown: The joys of building a bildungsroman

Welcome to My Daily Meltdown: where I count down to the release of MELT with my thoughts about its creation.

Can you believe it’s two days away???

Yesterday I shared the Kirkus Review which declared my story to be a bildungsroman.

This makes me ecstatic!!!

Why am I so happy to have written a bildungsroman?

Because I think coming of age stories are the most important to share. A writer’s greatest gift to humanity and its future, Because teens are at the brink of adulthood, teetering on the edge. Making choices they are in many cases unprepared to make, and uncertain of themselves. Trying to fit in, thinking they’re alone in experiencing the problems they’re going through. Thinking that there’s something wrong with them because they are “different.” Thinking they are unacceptable – and unlovable. Victims of their parents’ shortcomings and flaws – thinking that everything is their fault. That they are bad, wrong…desperate to fit in.

I write the books for the outsiders like I was. And guess what: everyone is an outsider.

Our adolescence defines us, and shadows us forever. In some cases it is our undoing. Often it is the monkey we carry on our backs. I spent so many years trying to work out the unsolved problems of my youth. I was trapped in my teen years – and still, I go back into a teen state of mind like nothing.

Teens need coming of age stories to give them hope, direction and companionship. Adults need coming of age stories to reconcile all those loose ends – and maybe more.

A bildungsroman is one of the greatest contributions to society and its future. And I have written one. It’s official. Kirkus Reviews said so.

That’s why I’m so happy.

Bye for now.

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Please join me at my Facebook virtual launch party on this Sunday, November 9, 5-11 pm EST. We will have four guest authors joining us, with giveaways in addition to the flash prizes I’ll be handing out through the evening – and a grand prize as well. Let’s hang out and celebrate my bildungsroman!!! Looking forward to chatting with you.

(Sorry I can’t post the link. Still dealing with virus issues. It’s on Facebook under “Melt Launch Party.”)

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Join my street team Castrovilla’s Crusaders and help spread the word about a great bildungsroman while earning rewards!

You can find our page on FacebooK!

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I’m giving away a $100 Amazon gift card and more for my blog tour/launch day giveaway! Check details on

My Daily #Meltdown: I Wrote a Bildungsroman!!!

Welcome to My Daily Meltdown, where I countdown the days to the release of MELT with insider commentary. I must again apologize for the late posting – I have been waylaid by a horrible computer virus, and it’s challenging to get on the internet.

Today I would like to address my Kirkus Review. I’m so thrilled with it:

In Castrovilla’s (Revolutionary Friends, 2013, etc.) YA novel, a teenager finds an existential crisis in a doughnut shop—and a love like no other.

When straight-laced 16-year-old Dorothy meets rough-edged 17-year-old Joey at a Dunkin’ Donuts in her new home of Highland Park, her friend Amy warns her to keep her distance. But she can’t ignore the fact that she and Joey are drawn to each other. She’s a stereotypical “good girl”; her parents, both successful professionals, regularly quiz her on her whereabouts and watch for truancy. Joey, on the other hand, is a quintessential lost soul: a paradoxical, convoluted figure whose violent past has left him with literal scars. He’s also physically intimidating, with a reputation to match, but it’s a façade that masks his sensitive, traumatized interior. Joey’s father, a police officer who beats his family, is another obstacle to his happiness, and as Dorothy does her utmost to save Joey from a life of alcoholism and nihilism, his father stands in the way, a perpetual source of danger. Joey and Dorothy must find their way as they struggle with doubt and fear for their lives. The story is told from Joey’s and Dorothy’s first-person points of view, alternating between snappy prose and jagged, sharp-edged poetry that evokes the terror of violence and the ecstasy of infatuation. The author sugarcoats nothing in this tale of adolescence and anxiety, nor does she paint its characters with a broad brush. Dorothy and Joey’s plight is both an inner and an outer struggle, a reckoning with a cold world, and a psychological drama about the stakes of truth-telling that ends with a gratifying act of mercy.

A fresh, emotionally complex bildungsroman of young American love that looks long and hard at violence, and at what can overcome it.

I love the whole thing, but the end line means the most. To be credited with writing a bildungsroman means the world to me – because that is the most important novel that can be written. When I was young, The Catcher in the Rye was the bildungsroman that changed my life. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone at being alone. I wrote a guest blog piece for a stop on my tour with some Catcher quotes that mean a lot to me.

Tomorrow on my Meltdown I will elaborate on why writing a bildungsroman is so significant to me.

Bye for now.

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My blog tour celebrating Melt’s release started today on Once Upon a Twilight! What an awesome review! I’m so grateful

(You can read the review via my link on my Facebook page – I’m having so much internet trouble I can’t paste it here. Sorry!!!)

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My Facebook virtual launch party is Sunday November 9, 5-11 pm. Join us for guest author chats, prizes, laughter & fun!!!