Gail Vaz-Oxlade's Blog, page 21

Gail’s Mushroom Soup

I love mushrooms. I like them fresh and dried. I go through phases when I eat mushrooms two or three times a week. I eat ‘em in sammies, in omlettes, on salads. I am partial to oyster mushrooms, and I love the dried mushrooms you get in Asian stores…I take those puppies home, reconstitute them, slice ‘em up and stir-fry them with broccoli and sweet soy sauce. Om nom nom.

Several years ago while shooting TV, my crew and I had a most delicious mushroom soup in a restaurant. I don’t remember where we were, but I remember the soup like it was yesterday. The whole gang of us ordered it and emptied the pot. I’ve spent a couple of years trying to replicate it.

Success. Hope you enjoy.

 

Gail’s Mushroom Soup

12 cups cremini mushrooms, quartered
1 large sweet onion, roughly chopped
4 cloves garlic, sliced
7 sprigs thyme, chopped fine
2 tbs olive oil
1 1/2 tbs balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup red wine
1/3 cup dry sherry
2 cups milk
2 cups heavy cream
4 cups chicken stock or vegetable stock
Salt and pepper to taste

 

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Place mushrooms, onions, garlic, and thyme sprigs in a large bowl. Add olive oil and vinegar. Season with salt and pepper and toss to coat. Transfer to a rimmed baking sheet and spread into an even layer.

2. Roast on the centre shelf for about 15 minutes. The mushrooms will release liquid, which you will drain into a separate container and reserve. Continue roasting mushrooms until browned, about 30 minutes more.

3. Remove lemons and thyme sprigs and discard. Transfer mushroom mixture along with drained liquid to a large pot or dutch oven. Add wine, milk, cream, and stock. Stir to combine and cook on low for 2.5 hours.

4. Using an immersion blender (or by transferring to a blender) blend until desired consistency is reached; not too smooth. Add sherry. Simmer for another 10 minutes.

Vaping

You all know I love, love, love words. When the Oxford Dictionaries announced its Word of the Year for 2014, it was a word I’ve never even heard. The word: Vape.

Every year, candidates for Word of the Year are debated then one is chosen that supposedly reflects the preoccupations or mood of that particular year and to have lasting potential as a word of cultural significance. Turns out “vape” is smoking up the conversation.

So am I the only one who is decidedly behind the times when it comes to this new word? Have you used the word vape? Have you heard the word vape? What does vape even mean?

Turns out vape originated as an abbreviation of vapour or vaporize. The verb means ‘to inhale and exhale the vapour produced by an electronic cigarette or similar device.

As e-cigarettes (or e-cigs) have become much more common, so vape has grown significantly in popularity. Did you know that you’re thirty times more likely to come across the word vape than you were two years ago? Yup. The use of vape more than doubled between 2013 and 2014.

The e-cigarettes biz is a booming, billion-dollar industry, on track to outsell tobacco products within a decade. The number of teens and tweens using these products doubled between 2011 and 2012.

Most E-cigarettes work much the same way. There’s a battery that powers a heating element and a cartridge that holds nicotine and other liquids like flavorings. Some are disposable while others are rechargeable and refillable.

I’m not sure why teens and tweens even have access to these products since the nicotine inside the cartridges is addictive. Stop vaping and you’ll get withdrawal symptoms. If it’s being used as the methadone of real cigarettes, I see the point. If advertisers with their huge budgets are going to be able to glam up smoking to a whole new generation of kids, not so much.

Since e-cigs produce no smoke… users inhale a vapour… are we likely to see people lighting up where legislation now forbids smoking? And what are the health implications of this ‘safe’ alternative to cigarettes? The World Health Organization has recommended that e-cigatettes be banned indoors because the chemicals in that exhaled vapour could be as dangerous as ciggies.

So for all the people who see vaping as a hip, environmentally friendly alternative to smoking, just know that each inhalation is equivalent to an entire cigarette so your heart is still at risk.

Entitlement

When I ask people why they buy stuff, they tell me it’s because they need it, whatever IT is. That’s hardly ever true. Folks don’t need most of the stuff they buy. They want it.

It’s very easy to confuse needs with wants. You work hard and deserve nice things, right? Whether you’re thinking about buying a big-ticket item (We need a vacation) or smaller, impulse purchases (I need a super-dee-dooper latte), your sense of entitlement can muddy the waters when it comes to what you want and what you really need.

I did a workshop and my daughter Alex was along to help. A middle-aged woman couldn’t get her budget to balance and Alex pointed to her $200 a month cigarette habit. The woman said it was a need. Alex shook her head. “A need is something you must have to stay alive,” she said. Seriously, if you can’t balance your budget, what are you doing feeding your vices?

People who are raised in a first-world country like Canada may have a sense of entitlement simply because they have no idea how lucky they are. If you’ve never been hungry, never wondered where you would sleep, never had to go without shoes, then your sense of what is, by rights, your due may be askew.

If every winter your family went on vacation to a warmer clime, if every summer you went to camp, if each fall you started the new school year with a fresh wardrobe and all the school supplies you could imagine, why would you think you were entitled to any less as an adult.

This is a particular problem for people who were brought up in homes where they benefited from a higher income than they currently enjoy. Even if you haven’t got the income to support it, you have no idea why you can’t have everything you want when you want it. That’s entitlement!

People who watch a lot of TV, read flashy magazines and walk the malls have a sense of entitlement because they believe that everyone else has one so they can have one too.

But here’s the rub: a lot of those people are going into debt to have the lifestyle you crave, so what you’re craving isn’t real. It’s smoke and mirrors. Playing the keeping-up-with-the-Jones game is stupid at the best of times, but it’s suicidal if you’re doing it on credit.

If watching all that house porn is making you think you’re perfectly lovely home needs to be renovated, turn off the TV. You won’t die without granite countertops and a stainless steel fridge. And if hanging out with friends who are always going shopping is busting your budget, you’re going to have to find some new friends if you’re determined to live a real life.

If you don’t believe me when I say that the culture is influencing our sense of entitlement, just look at the sizes of the houses we’re living in now, compared to 50 or 60 years ago. Back then people were having more kids but living in houses far smaller than we’re willing to settle for today. $1,200 square foot homes have given way to 3,600 and 4,800 McMansions. Unfortunately, as our expectations have gone up, our ability to pay for them has been seriously challenged.

While we like to castigate the younger generation for their rampant sense of entitlement, it’s not just a problem of youth and immaturity. Because we live in a society where education is primarily free, we believe our children are so entitled to an education that they, and we, have to do very little for it. We feel entitled to a level of medical care for which we have very little appreciation. If we had to pay for our care, we might take our own health more seriously. So it’s not just our young’uns who feel entitled.

Our society has even created a whole new set of words to describe our sense of entitlement: words like “consumerism” and “shopaholics” and “affluenza” and “selfish capitalism” and “consumercide” and the counter “sustainable living” weren’t part of our grandparents’ vocabulary.

Have we become so addicted to having (instead of being) that we are not longer able to distinguish between needs and wants? Is acquisition of more stuff our new life’s blood?

Here’s a challenge. It’s based on the concept of “buy nothing day”, but is much more practical, personal and pointed. Pick one day of the week on which you will buy nothing. It doesn’t really matter which day it is. Just pick a day and commit to buying nothing on that day. Buy Nothing Monday should be dead easy. Buy Nothing Saturday is for those who are more committed to testing themselves.

How long can you keep your buy nothing day streak going? How hard is it? How much planning does it take?

How addicted to shopping are you? Challenge your family members, your co-workers, your friends to commit to a buy nothing day. The first person to break the streak has to cook dinner for everyone!

 

Are You In Love with Life?

I have been in love with life for most of my many years. As a child, I remember the wonder I felt seeing how a hibiscus was constructed. As children, we would peel back the layers until we got to the little yellow piece that we could break off and stick to the ends of our noses. Then we would laugh at our witchy selves. As I peeled, I watched. I saw colours and textures, ran the velvet petals over my lips and between my fingers. I marvelled at the attention-seeking variations, the determination of colour to overcome the lack of scent.

I watched my children in much the same way, learning their strengths and weaknesses, revelling in their excitement and encouraging them to step out beyond their comfort zones. When their eyes sparkled, so did mine. When they cried in frustration or erupted in anger, I helped them to see that life is hard sometimes, but it is always wonderful if you keep looking with eyes full of love.

I’ve watched people fall out of love with life. Events and choices can push us out of sync with what we love about life  — our passions, our values, what we want to accomplish — and then love is replaced by what?… just living?

Have you been waiting for the person, time, thing, that will snap you out of your torpor and reinvigorate you? Do you imagine that all that has happened — by accident or by choice — is all you have? Hate your job? Loathe the path you’ve chosen? Feel like you haven’t grown, aren’t being challenged, can’t find the energy you once had?

If you’re waiting for someone or some change in circumstance to fill up the emptiness  — the ‘what’s missing’ — you’ll be waiting for some long time. It is you who must save yourself. It is you who must create a life you love.

You must be brave. Clinging to old behaviours, as sure of them as you may be, will keep you where you are. If you aren’t loving your life, you must be willing to stretch even though that stretching may come with some soreness.

Mix it up. When you see something for the first time there is wonder in what you see. Change where you live. Take another route to work. When we get used to what we’re seeing, we stop seeing. We can drive by, bike by, walk by wonders and never notice the magic that surrounds us.

Going on vacation is a perfect example of how awareness heightens when you don’t know what to expect. Coming upon an unusual flower, walking through a building that was built hundreds of years ago, the details catch our attention and we revel in them. Loving life means creating that same wonder in your life at home.

It is that need to see things differently all the time that may be at the root of my love of gardening.  I primarily plant perennials and bi-annuals. Both my front and back yards have been converted from lawn to full garden. And each day brings opportunities to see wonder. Some plants do very well, some die away one year but come back the next. Sometimes there are disappointments. Many times there are moments of pure delight. And all because I never know what to expect.

If you are bored or restless with your life, maybe it’s time to change what you feel most comfortable with. Lose the focus on perfection or comfort – or whatever else it is that has become the barrier to loving life in all it’s messy, unpredictable glory.

 

This & That: In Charge of the Money Edition

P Wrote: I have a pretty good job, but I’m living pay cheque to pay cheque trying to pay debts that I’m so far behind on. I want to know what to do because I can’t seem to save any money because what I make goes to rent and utilities and there is nothing left for me and my family, which is so hard to deal with. I have seen how you take couples and help them get on the right track financially so I would like to know if you could help my wife and I escape from this huge problem? I have been so stressed due to this mess that I’m in. I haven’t even been able to take my wife on a well deserved vacation or anything because of our finances, and I can’t rely on my family for a loan because I just don’t want to ask. Can you please help us?

Gail Says: The first step would be to do a spending analysis to see where your money has been going. Have you done that yet? If not, gather six months’ worth of bank and CC statements and do it. Track where every penny went. Using the average numbers you come up with (whatever you spent in total on groceries, divide by 6 to see your monthly average) make a budget. Does it balance? If not, what are you going to cut?

 

K Wrote: I want, so badly to get out of debt and am going home tonight to complete the Building a Budget worksheet. My question is, is our bank account is in overdraft of $900. So, I feel like we are never going to get out of the overdraft black hole. Do I enter the overdraft as a current debt that we owe, so that it’s a fair judgement of what we actually should put in the jars?

Gail Says: Yes, treat the OD as a debt, with a high priority for payoff. Make sure you’re not just pulling numbers out of the air when you make your budget. Look at what you’ve been spending so you can see what you have to change. Good luck!

 

L Wrote: L Wrote: I’m am really committed to following a budget, but need two questions idiot proofed for me.

The first is about the automobile “jar”. Is a car loan payment and car insurance a fixed expense and the automobile weekly allowance are for gas and maintenance? Or are the entire payments/insurance/gasoline/maintenance supposed to be covered by the variable weekly jar? My loan & insurance is $940 a month, with gas & maintenance being about $50 a week.


The second is about my income. I have four children; two have disabilities and qualify for the disability credit and assistance for children with severe disabilities. My EARNED income is $43,000 a year. With child support, child tax credit and disability, I receive another $43,000. My problem is this. As my children are getting older, I realize that my income will eventually (8yrs) will be cut in half. As it is now, I am living pay to pay and get consolidation loans regularly to get back on top. I am panicked that the time is coming when my finances will be cut in half, and I’m not even managing now! At this point (41) I have contributed zero to my retirement. I don’t know what to focus on first, and whether I should be making a budget based on my projected income in 8 yrs, or whether to focus on debt, or RRSP contributions. I also have RDSP’s for both children that I opened but have put zero in them. I feel guilty thinking about putting money in an RRSP for me and not their RDSP. Gah! My head is spinning!

Gail Says: You’re absolutely right, the car loan/insurance are fixed expenses and do not go in the jar. As for your income, you should have 2 budgets: 1 for you and 1 for the kids. Manage the money separately. If you will find a less expensive place to live when the kids head off on their own, then take the difference between what you’ll pay individually and what it’s costing now from the “kids’ money.” If not, you’ve got to learn to live on your $43K baby, that’s all there is to that. BTW, if you don’t save anything for retirement, you’ll be living on less than half YOUR current income so you should start practicing now!

 

B Wrote: We’re finally trying to get our finances in order and am reading your book to help us. We are presently working on our 6 month spending analysis, but have a couple of questions.

If I enter my purchases from my credit card onto my spreadsheet, but then am also entering the money we put towards paying off the credit card (debt repayment), are we not counting the funds twice? I’m just wondering if it would skew the results.

When doing my analysis, I’m assuming I should also take into account the things we put money aside for each month? i.e. we have 2 cars and one we make monthly payments for the insurance but the other we pay once a year (we didn’t have time to save up for the second one). So the one we pay once I year I keep track of in a spreadsheet and put money into the ‘account’ (column) every month. We also do this for a few other things like property taxes and savings for car repairs.

Any advice would be helpful. We’re really trying to get on top of things and want to make sure we’re doing it right.

It really is eye opening. We’ve only got one month entered thus far and I knew we ate out a lot, but didn’t realize just how much. Entering each transaction really makes you think about whether it was worth it!

Gail Says: You don’t count your debt repayment as part of the spending analysis. The spending analysis lets you see where the money went — to what items and activities. The debt repayment plan is about getting the debt gone.

The spending analysis does not usually include planned spending. It’s supposed to be a snapshot of your average spending over those six months. So what I suggest is that you hold off on including planned spending until you get to the budget stage. For now, just do the spending analysis to see what you learn about where your money has been going (like that eating out). When you get to the budgeting part, then you can include your planned spending.

 

S Wrote: I am about to start our spending analysis worksheet. It’s amazingly shocking looking back! Anyways, do I still calculate the 6 month average even though we were in the middle of relocating to another city and/or our bills/utilities were more than normal?

Gail Says: The higher bills will skew the numbers so use the “normal” amount for things like utilities or do the analysis using a six-month period that doesn’t include the move.

 

S Wrote: I have been following your plan very closely and have my Emergency Fund on its way to a 3 month salary savings. However I struggle with knowing what is actually an emergency. I have a break down car fund going, a yard work fund going, a kids fund going, reno fund going, a vacation fund going etc. I feel like I have money stashed in so many places that I get confused as to what should actually be where. What in your opinion is deemed as an emergency? My septic field needs replacing unexpectedly which will cost around $10,000 and I only have half of it saved in my house fund. Would I be taking the other half from my Emergency fund? Feeling a little scattered.

Gail Says: Typically an emergency is loss of income because of illness, disability, loss of job (or hours of work) or death. Everything else is planned spending and you save up for it as you are currently doing. But sometimes the thing you have to pay for arrives before the money is completely saved. If you take the money from your emergency fund you must make it a priority to put it back. Or you could “borrow” from your other categories and then rebuild your car, yard work, reno and vacation funds.

 

P Wrote: We are family of three: my husband and I and a 4 year old girl. I always cook at home and maybe once a week we go to a restaurant. We spend $800 dollars per month on groceries and my husband is very, very upset and asked me to lower the budget to $400-$500 dollars. My question is: how much our family could consider budget for groceries?

Gail Says: How much you spend on food is a very personal thing and can vary dramatically by season and by region (where you live). I suggest you sit with your husband and do a meal plan for a week and then send him to the grocery store to do the shopping.

 

Books, Books & More Books

The Emperors soul is by Brandon Sanderson who is a wonderful and very prolific writer. The is the story of a forger named Shai who can copy and re-create any item by using magic to rewrite its history. She is caught attempting to steal the emperor’s sceptre and condemned to death. Things take an interesting turn when the Emperor hovers near death and those who would keep him in power agree to free Shai if she can create a new soul for him. It is an tale of magic woven intricately with characters who are engaging and believable. If you aren’t a huge fan of fantasy, this is a good one to dip your toes into because it is a novella about the nature of art and the value of originality and reproduction.

The Hypnotist’s Love Story by Liane Moriarty was a delight. I have fallen in love with this Australian’s writing. Her stories are real, thoughtful and charming. Ellen O’Farrell is a hypnotherapist who doesn’t know her father, can’t find a solid man to call her own, and is always in conflict with her mom. When she meets Patrick, she thinks he could be the one. But Patrick comes with baggage. He has a son, a dead wife whom he still adores and a stalk who adores him. Ellen doesn’t know that his stalker has already made contact with her. And she finds herself liking the woman – her name is Saskia — even as she discovers just how invasive this woman is willing to be to stay close to the life she loved and lost. Sometimes sad, often funny, I loved watching this story unfold. I’ve already got another Liane Moriarty book ready to go. Man she can write.

Flash forward by Robert Sawyer was terrific. Imagine that during a physics experiment everyone in the world goes to sleep for just a few moments. Planes fall out of the sky. Disaster strikes world-wide. And yet, as people sleep, some dream of themselves in lives which turn out to be not dreams at all but glimpses of the future. Would you do it again? Would you want to know what your future holds? And what if you don’t dream at all? Does that mean you have no future? How differently would you live you life is you already knew that 20 years into the future you’re still alive? Wouldn’t be afraid of skydiving, right? Hey, you know it’s not your time? Or would you look at your new strange self and wonder how the hell you’re going to get from here to there – from the life you’re living now to the life in the future? And if someone you loved died during that black-out period, how angry would you be at the scientists who inadvertently created the whole event?

I hear the sirens in the streets by Adrian McKinty I got this one on sale. Isn’t it nice when you pay $5 for a great book. This is part of the Troubles Trilogy starring Sean Duffy, who is a man with a broken heart and all the energy in the world to figure out who put the torso in the suitcase. Turns out that torso once belonged to an American tourist. What the dickens was he doing in Norther Ireland in the midst of the 1982 Troubles? And is the beautiful widow with whom Sean Duffy wants to do very unprofessional things part of the problems that keep piling up? Sean’s a stubborn man. He’s not going to let go until he has shaken every tree.

Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi. H. Beam Piper wrote Little Fuzzy in 1962 and it became a classic. With his estate’s permission, John Scalzi reimagines the story putting Jack Holloway on the distant planet Zarathustra prospecting for ZaraCorp. Jack’s a wise-ass, smarty-pants, who uncovers a trove that is so valuable he can negotiate for just a teeny percentage of it’s worth and never have to worry again. But then there’s a wrinkle, a furry biped, trusting and appealing, that may put the whole mining operation on hold if it turns out to be a sentient being. Will the fuzzies all be anniahlated for the sake of ZaraCorp’s profits, or can Big Hearted, wish-cracking Jack do something to protect the little darlings and their world.

Think of a Number by John Verdon is the first in the Dave Guerney series that I’ve read and it was great. I’ve already stuck another in my cart! Dave Gurney is a retired NYPD cop who made a name for himself by catching a serial killer. He’s a tortured soul with a wife who gets him completely, even if that means she’s sometimes a little impatient with him. He’s drawn into a mystery by an old school friend who turns to him after receiving taunting letters that end with a simple declaration: “Think of any number…picture it…now see how well I know your secrets.” Amazingly, those who comply find that the letter writer has predicted their random choice exactly. How is that even possible? And when those diverting letters turn into a serial murder investigation, will Dave be a victim too?

The Dragon Factory by Jonathan Maberry is for you if you like a book chock-a-block full of action. Joe Ledger and his team are up against corrupt scientists who want to implement the Nazi master-race plan. The twisted Jakoby twins are formidable foes, but nothing compared to their evil father who will stop at nothing – not even his own children’s lives – to see the plan to fruition. It’s a thrill a minute with genetically enhanced mercenaries and transgenic monsters to boot. As if that’s not enough, Joe Ledger must also elude his own government that is gunning for him.

The Poisoner’s Handbook by Deborah Blum is subtitlted “Murder and the Birth of Forensic Medicine in Jazz Age New York. Wow, right? It is a very a entertaining look of the inventive ways that people found to off each other before, during and after prohibition in the U.S. Stylishly written, Deborah Blum draws from original research tracking the early days of forensic medicine and the trailblazing work done by Charles Norris and Alexander Gettler. From poison in pies, to morphine in cosmetics Deborah Blum interlaces the true-crime stories of the Jazz Age with the chemistry of poison.

Debt: The first 5000 years by David Graeber. Yeah, I know. Of course I would read this book. But you might be surprised at what you learn and what was considered ‘debt’ before money became the main means of exchange. David Graeber is an anthropologist who says that for more than 5,000 years, before the invention of ‘money’ as we know it today, we have used elaborate credit systems to buy and sell goods. What may surprise you most is how often ‘rulers’ and ‘governments’ forgave personal debt as a way of re-establishing balance within an economy. Even our language — words like “guilt,” “sin,” and “redemption” – which shape our ideas of right and wrong derive from ancient debates about debt. It’s a tome, but very interesting.

Loving Frank by Nancy Horan tells Mamah Borthwick Cheney’s love story. She met Frank Lloyd Write when she and her husband commissioned him to design a new home for them. They began a love affair that would rip apart their families and scandalize their community. It’s an historical novel that blends fiction with fact, weaving in little known details to vividly portray the conflicts and struggles Mamah faces as a mother, a wife, a lover and a women on the edge of the woman’s movement. How do you balance personal joy with your responsibility to your children and to society? Can love be so important – so much the air you breathe – that you would walk away from everything else to keep it alive? And does sheer brilliance give you the right to destroy the lives of the people who love you? This is Nancy Horan’s first novel and I am looking forward to what she writes next.

 

Something Bothering You?

Ever had one of those days when you just can’t shake whatever it is that’s intruding on your thoughts… constantly. Maybe you got a call that said your projects been put on hold. Maybe your kid’s teacher wants to set up a meeting to discuss how Kidlet is doing (or not doing). Or maybe your mother-in-law made some comment about your stuffing.

“Just don’t think about it,” is easy to say. Doing is a whole other matter. In fact research shows that when people are told not to think about something, that something is even harder to get off our minds. The constant rehashing is called “rumination” and not only is it damn unpleasant, it’s a great way to ruin your day.

Wouldn’t you love it if you could beat back those thoughts? No, I’m not going tell you not to think about them. Here are some things that might work:

Visualize details: Whether you imagine yourself shopping at the grocery store, in the craft store picking out wool, or in a book store hunting for your next great read, picture the items on the shelf. See them.

Anything that requires concentration will work. Think about the order of the songs on your workout playlist. Name the songs. Or list what’s on your bedside table. Or try to name the order of the spices on your spice rack. This isn’t something you have to struggle with. Thinking about details for 30 seconds to a minute is enough to break the rumination cycle.

Each time a negative thought tries sto ruin your day, visualize details. If you have to do it 10 times an hour, so be it. With practice you’ll get better and better at training your brain to change direction when negative thoughts threaten to mess you up.

Hang out with positive peeps: Notre Dame researchers found college students pick up rumination-like behaviors from their roommates. When you interact with people who are always worrying you could find yourself mirroring that worry (or anger, or stress, or sadness.) Yup, hang out with Debbie Downer and you’ll be down there with her in no time flat. Once you become aware of how other people’s thoughts might be rubbing off on you, you’ll realize that happy thinkers are a better option.

Trash your negativity: According to a 2012 Ohio State University study, folks who wrote down their negative feelings about their bodies and then threw those notes away had a better self image after just a few minutes. The folks who kept their notes, not so much. Clearing your thoughts of negativity may be as easy as typing up a list and then dragging it to the trash

Warm up: Have you ever noticed how often “cold” and “lonely” show up together. In 2012 Yale researchers found that people recalled fewer negative feelings when holding on to a hot pack. Weird, right? They also found that lonely people tend to take longer hot showers. So the next time your thoughts turn to the dark side, grap a cuppa and warm up.

Plan Your Spending

The very best way to make sure you have the money you need to do all the things you want without blowing up your budget is to stir “planned spending” into the mix.

If there are things you spend money less routinely – think car insurance, property taxes, gifts, sports fees, and the like – you should include a line for each of those things in your budget and set money aside monthly. Let’s face it, if it’s costing you $800 a year to keep your kid in hockey, it’s far easier to come up with $67 a month than to scrape together the $800 all at once. And $100 a month for holiday gifts makes way more sense than heading into a new year with a shopping hang-over on your credit card.

Whenever you need to accumulate money for a particular buy, that’s planned spending, and you should have a separate savings for that money. Each month you total up the amounts going to planned spending and transfer it to your Planned Spending savings account. (For heaven’s sake, find an account that pays you at least 1% in interest. Don’t just settle for your bank’s savings account option paying sweet-diddly-squat!) When it comes time to use the money, you transfer it back to your regular account to pay the bill.

You can use a single account to accumulate all your planned spending money if you keep track of the various line items so you know exactly what you’ve piled up for each of your planned spending lines on your budget. Or you can use several savings accounts to make the process easier to manage. Unlike chequing accounts, savings accounts don’t cost a penny, so knock yourself out.

Some people need separate accounts because they have low money set-points. Think of your money set point like an internal thermostat: once you move above a certain temperature – a certain amount of money in the bank – you are driven to spend. Everyone’s money set point is different, but if you’ve got a low set point, when you’ve piled up a bunch of money your spending gremlin will kick into gear and try to get you to part with some of that money. Having separate savings accounts is one way to trick the noisome bugger.

Having one set up one savings account for your gift giving and another for your vacation means each account is seen by your gremlin as separate — no, he can’t add – and he’s less likely to start pushing your spending buttons.

Now you have a strategy for dealing with those costs that you don’t pay monthly. You’re welcome.

How Do You See Adversity?

Perspective is a funny thing. Some people see things in a positive light. Other people see exactly the same thing negatively. And how you perceive something will determine how happy you are or not.

I heard a story recently about Claude Monet that made this point so clear for me. You may know that Monet’s water lily paintings are some of his most famous. Like this one:

 

What you may not know (and what I just found out) was that when Monet painted this, he was suffering from a significant reduction in his eyesight. That very stylized way of blurring his edges didn’t come from an artistic choice he consciously made. No, it came from how he saw the world through his cataracts. Here is another painting from the same time period.

 

One of the things that distinguished Monet as a painter came about because of his failing eyesight. He was often frustrated with his loss of vision, but he did not stop painting. What we got was a way of looking at water lilies no one else had given us.

When faced with adversity you have a choice. You can draw on your emotional strength, your courage, your discipline to push through. Or not. You can dig deep to find those resources, or you can throw your arms up in despair. You can use your faith to help you keep moving forward. Or you can give in the negative chatter running through your brain and accept that you’re done.

We will all face adversity in our lives. For those who push through, greatness is possible. Winston Churchill had a horrible stutter and performed abysmally at school. Helen Keller pushed through deafness and blindness to become a strong promoter of women’s rights. And Wilma Rudolph, the 20th of 22 children, overcame scarlet fever and polio to win three gold medals in track in the 1960 Olympic games.

Changing how you perceive adversity can change the way you deal with it. Are there learning opportunities hidden in the challenges? Will those tough times help you to appreciate the times when things go more smoothly? Are you willing to keep going even when it feels like you’re trudging up a mountain with an elephant on your back?

Even small adversities give you an opportunity to strengthen your resilience. So stop looking at set-backs as just bothersome and aggravating. They are your training. The stronger those resilience muscles, the better able you will be to deal with the big stuff that comes along.

This & That: Family Edition

S Wrote: I’ve written to you before and I enjoy watching your career continue to blossom on TV! Since then, we’re debt free (posted a success post), we have 20K emergency fund, I’m saving for my degree tuition (yep, going back to school), and we have a 7 month old baby! All on cash!!! I bought your Money Rules book which ended up being a huge assignment with Excel sheets +++ and I’m only on rule #15!

Here’s my new situation. There’s an expectation that when grandma dies, we’ll look after my mother-in-law. We’re the responsible ones in the family. My mother-in-law is 57 and a Princess (since you did the show!). She’s addicted to pills for 25+ yrs and uses any and all ailments to prevent working, cleaning, cooking and yes, her mother enables her by letting her live with her and cleaning her room, cooking and paying everything for her. But grandma refuses to turn her back on her daughter or talk about a will or do a will. She’s petrified of dying. I’ve sent her links and links on wills, creating a trust (which would be ideal since her daughter burns through money).

So I used to get really upset at this expectation but now I’m wondering what I can do to be pro-active and mitigate the situation. My husband says, we’ll look after her but not in the way she expects us to (e.g. send her money) but doesn’t know how that will play out. Can you help me with this? I don’t want to die of stress and I don’t want to expose my son to this toxic situation.

Thanks Gail, you rock, glad I tuned into your show 6 yrs ago!

Gail Says: You’re going to have to convince your grandma to make a will. Point out to her that if she dies without a will her daughter will not be protected. Only by making a willing and taking the right steps can she be sure her daughter doesn’t end up destitute. You’re right; she needs to set up a trust for her. Make it clear that while your mother-in-law can count on you for some — and that’s just some — financial support, she may not live with you. And that financial support may be in the form of bill payment, but it will not be cash or money directly in her hands so grandma had best take steps to protect her Princess’s independence.

Failing that, tell your mother-in-law that while you love and would never want to see her destitute, you’re not prepared to put your own family at risk (or see your children go without) for her sake. As an adult woman, she must be responsible for herself. If she cannot be, then she best make sure her mom has set her up so she doesn’t end up without a penny to her name.

If your grandmother ends up dying without a will, her estate will be divided equally amongst her children. If one of her children has died, but has children, those grands will get that parent’s share. But dying without a will is a tiresome process and can take months if not years to settle. So unless grandma wants her daughter to have NO MONEY at all, while the estate is being settled, she’d best make a will PDQ.

 

H Wrote: I am a woman in my early 30’s who is in a relationship with a man in his late 30’s. I consider myself to be very financially responsible and while my partner, in the past was a spendthrift, he now has a handle on his finances and his only debt is a student loan which he is currently paying off.

The problem is that my partner’s parents are complete money morons. They are in their mid to late 60s, have gone bankrupt twice, and still continue to live well beyond their means. They themselves do not seem to care about this situation-the level of denial is unbelievable. I think that they believe that they will work until the day that they die.

My partner and I do not have the funds to be helping his parents out financially, nor do I believe that it is our responsibility to pay for the financial idiocy of others.

My partner is a wonderful man and I love him dearly but I am afraid that in the future, that we will be forced to make the hard decisions that his parents are incapable of making and may have to pay bills and potentially shelter them. What to do?

Gail Says: You and your husband had best have this conversation NOW before the story unfolds so you both know where you stand. I get that children think they are responsible for their parents, but I don’t believe it’s true for parents who have wasted resources in the belief that their children will “take care of them.”

You might want to sit down with your husband’s parents and have a conversation making it very clear that you’re ready, willing and able to help them create their own healthy future, but you’re in no way going to step in to “save them” later. Get it on the table now. Make it clear where you stand. Then there can be no discussion down the road of borrowing or bale-outs.

I’m sorry this is your reality. Your husband has clearly made great strides and is to be congratulated for overcoming his history. Having learned the lessons, this must be very distressing for him to watch. Have a chat with your in-laws and see if they can appreciate how their behaviour is impacting their son in terms of his concern and stress.

 

I Wrote: My father is retired, living on pension income, and has made some bad financial choices over the years. I’m trying to help him sort them out now. About 3 years ago he put around $40,000 on a line of credit he couldn’t afford to pay back. As far as I understand, the bank hounded him for payments, and then sent the account on to a collection agency. The collection agency eventually stopped calling him, and he says he hasn’t heard anything about this debt for over a year. He said the last time they spoke; they told him they would settle for $10,000 of it. I don’t know the interest rate on this account but I think it’s between 5 and 10%.

He has a functioning bank account and in the short term everything is normal, but I am worried about that debt. What are the implications if he (a) doesn’t do anything about it at all, (b) calls them and tries to set up a payment plan?

Some possibly relevant factors: (a) he has enough income to make regular payments of maybe $500/mo, (b) he may wish to sell his house & move at some point in the next 5 years, (c) he is not in good health and if it continues to deteriorate he may need health workers, or to move into some sort of assisted living, over a 5-10 year horizon (d) we (my wife and I) should be able to help him with payments if he does decide to pay.

Gail Says: I am getting letters like yours more and more often as adult children come to the point where they must get involved in their parents’ financial affairs.

First, if he’s gone to collections his credit history is already in ruins. It sounds like the account couldn’t be collected and they’re not sure what to do next. I’d wait for the next call and then offer $7,500 to settle the debt. If they agree, get their agreement in writing before you send a penny. Keep in mind that “debt” cannot be inherited. If your father dies in debt, those debts will be paid out of his estate. If there is not enough money to pay the debt, the lender has to eat the loss.

You don’t say whether your father has any equity in his home. If he does, then you’ll want him to gift you some money to a) get it out of his hands before you seek an assisted living situation since his income/assets may affect his ability/cost to get into a space and b) have it available to use by you for his care. I would not recommend this willy-nilly since some children can be quite selfish, but if your intention is to help him with payments anyway; getting that money to you for his future needs may be a good thing.

There is no gift tax in Canada if your father wants to give you a gift of cash (as per Revenue Canada Agency Miscellaneous Receipts NO: IT-334R2 section 4) so amounts received as gifts, are not subject to tax in your hands (as long as you’re not a spouse or a minor child).

Okay, onto the care issues. Provincial governments provide in-home care through a regional health agency like the “health authorities” in B.C. or “community care access centers” in Ontario. You’ll need a referral from his doctor or you can contact your local health agency directly. They’ll send a case manager to assess your father’s needs but you shouldn’t expect more than 2 hrs a day in help. If you intend to pay for a personal care worker for your dad, it’ll cost you $20-$28/hr if you go through an agency. Full-time help can $1,800-$3,000/mo plus room & board (or add another $1,500 to $2,000 a month if you don’t provide room & board.) These costs will add up fast, so make sure you’re prepared before you take this route.

If your father agrees to sell and move, then you’re looking at a retirement home. He can have his own space but will share meals, housekeeping help and social activities with other residents. Costs associated with “assisted living” help – help with bathing, taking medicine and the like – are substantially higher. Private retirement/assisted living resources can run from about $1,800-$7000 a month. The difference in cost is the difference in facilities, location and services provided. Publicly subsidized assisted living services are charged based on income and vary by province. For those whom the rate would cause serious financial hardship, reduced rates are possible.

Since facilities and costs vary dramatically from region to region (even within a province) you’re going to have to do some legwork. Start by researching the assisted living facilities in the area you want your father to live. Get recommendations from friends/family/co-workers. The internet (here’s a place to start: http://www.thecareguide.com ) is a great place to gather basic info, but won’t give you a feel for the place. For that you’ll need to do a visit. Pay attention to things like cleanliness and how the staff seems to be interacting with residents. Do the rooms look comfortable? Try to go for a visit around mealtime so you can see the quality of the food.

 

A Wrote: My stepmother is 62, recently divorced and on long term disability. The company paying her disability has sent her paperwork to apply for CPP. Is this a good idea for her?

Gail Says: No, by applying for CPP early, she will reduce the benefits she gets. When she does get CPP, the insurance company can reduce the amount they pay her by a similar amount, but they’ll stop completely at some point (65 I think, but you have to check her contract) at which point, having taken CPP early she may get far less money to live on.

 

K Wrote: After my dad passed away last year, I’ve taken over primary management of my mother’s finances. My dad always managed the money but slowly I am teaching my mom how to budget, pay her bills and otherwise manage her money.

She is on a fixed income (her portion of my dad’s teacher’s pension + government benefits). She also has a paid off home, and some investments. I am wondering if I should establish an emergency fund for her. I believe an emergency fund is primarily to cover expenses in the event of a total or partial loss of income. This should never be an issue for my mother. On the other hand, it’s possible she will run into a situation where the fridge breaks down and without some sort of liquid savings, she’d have to cash in investments to pay for it.

Gail Says: Clearly your mom does not need the emergency fund we traditionally talk about now that she’s retired on a fixed income. But as you rightly point out, things pop up. I suggest a curveball account – a high interest savings account- for just such expenses. You’ll have to decide how much is enough? I’d recommend about $3,000 if she can afford that. If not, then work with what you have.

 

D Wrote: Please Gail, my mom’s a quarter of a million dollars in debt and I’m only 14 please help!

Gail Says: Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry you are stressed out by this. I’m sorry my love, your mom has to figure out what to do next. But you have an important lesson to learn too. You know how bad this feels, so make sure you don’t do this to yourself when you become an adult and responsible for yourself (and kid’s maybe?). If you have the resolve to walk a different path, to be in charge of your money and live within your means, you will have a different life. I’m sending you a huge hug. I won’t tell you not to worry, because you’re going to anyway. I will tell you that you are still a child so this is not your problem to fix. When you do become an adult, don’t make this be a problem your daughter has to write me about, k?