Lynn Schneider's Blog, page 11

How Not to Write a Novel Back Blurb

I thought I might see a lot of interest in the subject of independent adoptions yet there were only two comments, and those from people who read this blog faithfully. Thank you loyal supporters, you know who you are!

Not even the friend who suggested I write it and to whom I submitted it for an accuracy check commented, so I guess everyone is otherwise occupied with more important matters. Even though it seemed the readership was quite substantial and a modest increase from my usual traffic, still not much comment action.

I did receive some "likes" though which is always fun.

WordPress sends a congratulatory email when someone "likes" a post. Congratulations! They say. Someone liked your post well enough to press the Like Button. Pressing the Like Button isn't exactly a physical challenge, now is it? And it's not like they brought me a Chili Macaroni Casserole or anything. But still, WordPress considers it a moderately big deal.

I'm back to writing about writing.

I finished up my novel, Perigee Moon, this week so I'm on to the next task, that of designing a book cover. To do this, I must write a "back blurb" and I'm not sure why I need it since the book is self-published and is never going to be sitting alongside the likes of books with cover pictures of Fabio on the bookshelves at Wal-Mart. The blurb is to sum up your novel, to "sell" it and, much like the headline at the top of a sleazy tabloid magazine, is supposed to tempt you into picking it up and tossing it into your shopping cart.

"Bill Clinton Dying!" Yes, probably. Aren't we all?

"Nick & Jessica's Sham Marriage: Why Are They Still Faking It?" Who's this again?

"Jen Tells Pals: Angie's a Monster!" Really, Jen. Get over it.

"Possible reconciliation between Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush?" Could someone please remind me why we should care about these people?

Based on your willingness to give the teeniest of shits about any of the above topics may in fact influence you to purchase the magazine in order to get the true scoop. Of course, you could be really tacky and stand there and browse through the magazine while the clerk zips your cat food through the scanner, but he's trying to engage you in conversation because 1) you are incredibly good looking, 2) you are incredibly interesting, or 3) he's bored. Any bets?

Back to our subject at hand. The title has to grab you enough that you want more. The headline "Bill Clinton Suffers Sniffles" isn't quite as compelling as the fact that he might be dying. And while this is not a dissertation on Bill, I suspect many people might be interested in what the Old Guy has done now to put him in such ill health. One can only imagine.

The back blurb of a novel has to grab you, make you want to read it. So it needs to contain lots of good keywords and it should be true to the type of novel it is — only more so. It should be exaggerated, and enticing, and earth-shattering. But it's a PITA to write one and I'm not very good at it.

If I said something like "action packed, tense suspense and drama on each page", this would not be indicative of what my novel is all about. The people who don't want action packed won't buy it and the people who do want action packed will be pissed off because it's not that kind of novel.

I found five pieces of back blurbs that I find tempting:

Compellingly written, running the literary gamut from menacingly dark to hilariously funny, this is an epic saga of one family's trials and triumphs in a world of sin, guilt, and redemption.

I'm hooked on all of this. Compellingly written (although, says who?) and menacingly dark and hilariously funny and epic saga always grab me. Not to mention sin, guilt and redemption. It isn't any wonder that I found this paperback in my possession.

…a brilliantly crafted story of parallel lives, familial secrets, and the redemptive power of love.

Brilliantly crafted, I like that. Is that better than compellingly written? I love the idea of parallel lives and familial secrets. And you can't beat the redemptive power of love.

But for his wife, who feels like a tiny gnat buzzing around her family's edges, "walking away from it all" is not a premeditated act, but an impulse that will lead her into a new, exciting and unimagined life…

I love that she feels like a tiny gnat buzzing around her family's edges. This portends to be about a woman who feels diminished, unimportant and I'll just bet she does something really cool and then her family takes a second look and says, Well, I guess Mom wasn't as much of a loser as we thought she was.

An extraordinary, moving story, this novel explores the complexities of love — how it survives time and heartbreak, and how it transforms us forever.

Ah, the idea of the complexities of love and how it survives time and heartbreak. How it transforms us forever. The romantic in me can't resist this.

This intense new novel follows a middle-aged man as he contends with a past he has never much thought about — until his closest childhood friends return with a vengeance, one of them from the grave, another maddeningly present.

An "intense" novel, that sounds good. A middle-aged man, I like it that the character is the same age as the ones I write about, and I really can get into the idea of a past he never much thought about, and childhood friends returning with a vengeance, and from the grave. Wow, that's got to be great.

Here's how I might write my back blurb:

A compellingly written, beautifully crafted story. Menacingly dark yet hilariously funny, an epic saga which crosses the boundaries of four generations, of a man who feels as unimportant as a mosquito being batted outside the familial edges as he attempts to remember the complexities of love yet fears it can't survive the test of time. A heartbreaking story of forgotten pasts and uncertain futures emerge as his closest childhood friend returns with a vengeance from Buffalo.

What do you think? Pretty good huh?

No?

Back to the writing board. Back blurbs are killers to write.

Oh, and one more thing, Bill Clinton is not dying.

Independent Adoptions and Not So Happy Endings

Once upon a time there was a couple who were married after they had gone to school for a really long time. They were smart and good looking and successful. They would live happily ever after. They would have a family, live in a nice house, adopt some dogs, contribute to the world with the research that they do in lieu of big-dollar salaries, and generally live responsible, rewarding lives while helping others.

Life would be good to them because they did all the right things.

Everything worked out pretty much that way except the babies didn't come, so the couple thought they would adopt a child, as they very much wanted a family, to care for a baby and make a difference in that child's life. They decided to try an independent adoption.

The difference between independent and agency adoption is the method by which the birthparents give their consent to adoption. In an agency adoption, the birthparents relinquish their parental rights to an agency, and the agency, in turn, consents to an adoption by specific adoptive parents. In independent adoption, the birthparents give their consent directly to the adoptive parents. In a private or independent adoption, prospective adoptive parents are advised by an adoption attorney.

Since independent adoptions are specifically authorized by law in most states, broadening the search for a child will ensure a better match, or a quicker resolution (or both) so most people opt to search in all states where it is legal to do so. The state the couple lives in is one in which independent adoptions are legal, and so they contacted a lawyer who was supposedly the "best adoption lawyer" in their state.

Enter Lawyer #1:

The couple's first attempt at adoption failed because the birth mother changed her mind at the last minute. It is not clear why she did this, it may have been racially motivated (the baby was not the same race as the adoptive parents) or it may have been a case of mother love, a last minute remorse, the I-just-can't-do-it response. This is completely understandable, even though one would have hoped such emotions might have emerged just a bit sooner for everyone's sake.

The second adoption seemed like it was a perfect match. The birth mother wanted the couple to raise her baby, she picked the couple specifically. Everything was going along smoothly, communication via phone and email, and arrangements were made, that the couple would arrive at the hospital at the appointed time for a C-section delivery and they would be given custody of the child. The birth mother lived in another state.

Enter Lawyer #2:

Everyone knows we couldn't possibly have just one lawyer involved. That would be too simple. No, of course not, we need another lawyer who knows all about the "state regulations" in that particular state, the state where the birth mother lived.

Here's the part that didn't end well. The not so happily ever after part. The excited couple got on a plane and flew to the birth mother's state in order to be there in time for the C-section, all set to live there for one week, as that state's laws require. They had all the baby paraphernalia, the car seat, the clothes, the wipes, everything they'd need for the baby's first week. They got to the hospital, only to be told that the mother had had the C-section three days earlier, had checked herself out and taken the baby with her and no one had a clue where she was. For the couple, it probably felt like a death to them. They were devastated, and dejected, and had lost hope.

I see two problems with this.

Lawyer #1
Lawyer #2

The couple paid the "best adoption lawyer", Lawyer #1, quite a bit of money to represent them. The fee is, of course, non-refundable. We're talking tens of thousands of dollars here, which is not chump change to the couple, since they are not Working for da' Man, as many in their field do, but are making smaller salaries so they can do research in their chosen fields in order to make a difference (aka help people). Bottom line, the money is a big consideration and they had to borrow it in order to go ahead with the process.

Why wasn't Lawyer #1 on top of this situation? I use the generic "he" here. He's the one who recommended Lawyer #2, and so he should have been working with Lawyer #2 on behalf of the couple. He should have made sure that everything was on track to go forward, but of course he didn't do that. No, he was real good at collecting that fee, but not so good on following through.

It gets worse.

Lawyer #2 failed even more miserably. He collected his fee too, and he was to meet with the birth mother at least one time. He failed to do this. Either she didn't show up or he didn't contact her to come in for a meeting. Either way, Lawyer #2 – you suck. So he collected a bunch of money and did not add much value. Make that none. Nada. Zilch.

I can't even figure out which lawyer is worse. They both got paid a fee for not doing a job.

The couple can still go forward with a third attempt. They've paid the fee for Lawyer #1 so he will still be around to "help" the couple. What does this lawyer do exactly? Cross his fingers and hope for the best? How about checking up on Lawyer #2 (you know there has to be one in nearly every case)? How about making sure Lawyer #2 is doing what he's supposed to do? And Lawyer #2? How about getting off your ass and setting up the meetings you are required to conduct? Lawyer #1, how about asking Lawyer #2 if that meeting ever took place?

It's easy to blame the birth mother here. She received a few bucks for her care, maybe $1200 or so. She didn't make any money off this deal, unless just getting medical care was her motivation in the first place. "I'll pretend I'm going to give my baby up for adoption so I can get it paid for, then I'll just take off. Let them come after me. So sue me. Good luck with that."

But really, it's the lawyers in this case. The ambulance chasers of the adoption industry. They aren't paying attention, they aren't doing their jobs. They put in a few years of hard work, gain a reputation as being the "best" in some area of law, then put their feet up and relax for thirty years.

While searching for illustrations for this posts, I came upon a joke:

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

It's not that bad of course, but just watch your local TV ads, all those guys who want to "help" you when you're in an accident, or when you've been exposed to asbestos, or when you've been prescribed a drug that they now find will kill you. They don't want to help you, they want your money. We can pretty much forget about finding the John Grisham lawyers, the Atticus Finch's or the Matlocks. And when you do find one of these, you won't find him advertising on TV.

Lawyer #1 and Lawyer #2 are in the "I'm Here to Help" (big eye roll here) category. They pretend to care, but they don't. They are in it for the fees. Those huge sums that people will pay, when they are desperate to start a family.

These (the couple) are good people who want to raise a child. A child who would have had everything he could ever want or need. Two parents who love him, and a stable home, and given every opportunity to succeed.

It's just too bad that crappy things have to happen to good people, who just want what everyone else wants, a family.

And too bad there are lawyers out there who will take advantage of that.

 

Komen Foundation: Race for the Consumer

Reblogged from Life in the Boomer Lane:

For those of you who believe that Komen's decision to pull breast cancer screening from Planned Parenthood goes against what Komen is supposed to stand for, read this post from ginandtacos.com: I have been of two minds about how to approach this. One option is to be thorough, do some research, and make a careful, reasoned argument about why the Susan G. Komen Foundationtm is a marketing consultancy masquerading as a charity, a fact only reinforced by their recent actions regarding Planned Parenthood. The …

Meaningless Political Phrases

Back in the year 2000, I remember having a short discussion with my father about the upcoming presidential election. We never talked about politics much because I suspected we might have differing opinions, even though I was pretty sure he was an independent with a bit of a lean to the right. I had always thought discussing politics something we might want to avoid. But this particular day, he mentioned to me that it was "time for a change". This meant that because of all the scandal during the Clinton administration, which must have really disgusted a lot of people of that generation, it was time to throw the Democrats out.

People all over were saying it, that it was time for a change. It was a phrase circulated, spread from conversation to conversation, and it started me thinking about those kinds of phrases and how they become important, if said often enough, and can affect elections, which of course, is the desired outcome. Naturally I had to write about it in my new novel, out this spring (self-promotion alert!), Perigee Moon.

Gertie and Randy didn't seem to be too well-informed and could make no real valid arguments that defended their position that it was "time for a change". When asked exactly why that would be they could only point to the Lewinsky Matter. So it would seem that no matter that Mr. Clinton was an adept politician and had kept the peace for eight years and balanced the budget and governed rather well, the fact that one naïve girl, rather sluttily inclined, could tempt and tease and torment a man who, as are many powerful men, might be more sexual in nature than the  average eight-to-fiver, it was still time for a change. Luke saw this, in that instant, that people around dinner tables all over the country were saying the same thing that Gertie and Randy had just said.

  "Al Gore is going to get screwed, because of Clinton," Luke said.

This year, we have similar phrases circulating around, and two have caught my attention:

Obama is bad for our country. Okay. Just how is he bad for our country, could you elaborate on that please? No, he's just Bad. Bad for Our Country.

We must take our country back. From whom must we take it back? The House of Representatives is controlled by the Republicans. The Senate is split pretty evenly. The Supreme Court, even though they are directed not to, seems to be a little top-heavy which is causing that right lean. Yes, the President is a Democrat so I guess we need to take the country back from him.

This is not meant to be a political blog, it's a blog about writing. I was interested in the way phrases circulate and people begin to say them, without knowing why they are saying them. And besides I like to throw a bit of politics into my novels occasionally.

Recently, I went to a Newt Gingrich Rally. There are many reasons one would attend such a rally.

One is a die-hard Newt supporter and wants to yell and scream so Newt knows someone loves him.
One is a supporter of Mitt Romney and is out to gather information, which can be used against Newt in the future.
One is an Independent voter and is out to become educated about each of the two men, one of which will surely be the Republican Nominee.
One is an Obama supporter but wants Newt to win because they believe he will be easier for Obama to beat in November.
One who has nothing else to do but visit an airplane hangar on a 75-degree day in Florida.
One who wants to see Callista's hair up close.

Because I don't want to offend any readers of my blog who might be of a different political persuasion, I will refrain from saying which category I fall into, except 6 for sure. The turnout was disappointing, only 300 or so supporters or "supporters", but we got to get pretty up close and personal to Newt and Callista, who was wearing a beautiful shade of blue suit that day.

We were stopped outside and interviewed by CBS who, while they paraphrased what my husband said, they did not show him on TV. This was a big disappointment but I'm pretty sure they liked what he said, which was, "With Newt, what you see is what you get. If he's elected he won't flirt with liberals." And he also said, when asked about Newt's marriage baggage, that "we are Christians and as such we believe in redemption." Now, this may or may not be the true feelings of my husband, depending on his reasons (see above) for attending the Newt Rally.

Once inside, there was a cheerleader, who yelled out periodically "We gotta take our country back!" and when that began to fall flat she'd just start up the chant, "Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt!" Here is out cheerleader:

Is this Ben Kingsley?

Bill Gates?

I believe Ellie Mae Clampett was there, and she looks real good:

Mike Raegan was there:

Herman Cain was there:

Finally! Newt and Callista arrived! The crowd went wild! Or as wild as 300 old people can get. Here they are arriving at the hangar:

Newt speaks, and says that between the swearing in and the inaugural balls, on the day he becomes President, there will be a working session and he expects to be sent bills from the House that will:

Repeal Obama Care! (applause, hollers, whistles, and sign pumping)

Repeal Dodd-Frank! (applause, hollers, and sign pumping)

Repeal Sarbanes-Oxley! (applause, hollers, whistles)

I turned to a woman and acted dumb. "What's that?" I asked, meaning SOX? "It's got something to do with Medicare," she said. Well, actually not. People are clapping and yelling to repeal something and they don't know what it is they are repealing. That's okay, it must be good. Newt says we should repeal it.

Callista clapped at everything Newt said. You can't see it here, but the rock on her hand sparkled while she was clapping. Damn phone cameras aren't worth much, they can't even capture the flash of a multi-carat.

Other observations at the Newt Gingrich Rally.

Is this Michael Moore? What's he doing here?

I don't think this person is a Republican, do you?

This guy looks like his rug shrunk. Aren't those square pieces supposed to go in front of the ears?

I think this is Barbara Bush, but I'm not sure.

Here's a nice elephant hat, complete with American flag. And that's Tiger's ex-wife behind her there.

Does this man have pants on?

Is this Viggo Mortenson? If only I'd known he was going to be here, I'd have worn my I Love Viggo pin.

It's Stephen Colbert! Are we going to be on the Report?

Alas, Newt did not take Florida. But I did get both his and Callista's autograph on the back of my "DON'T BELIEVE THE LIBERAL MEDIA!" fan.

Disclaimer: The people in these photos may or may not be who they are depicted to be by their labels, which may or may not be misleading, and should be left to the discretion of the viewer and/or reader to discern if that are or are not, who they are or are not.

Three Deceptive Food Labels That I Found in Ten Minutes

Without much difficulty, make that without any difficulty, you can find examples of stupid food labels that are nothing more than deceptive advertising, euphemisms designed to make you think you are eating better, healthier foods, when clearly you're not.

I do not eat two of these foods but do fancy a nut or two once in a while. Sometimes questionable items end up in one's pantry though and one has no memory of how they came to be there. When there are children around, unhealthy stuff has a way of sneaking in. One would think the way we protect our kids nowadays, we'd protect them from eating junk but, alas, I guess the protection stops at the nearest Burger King.

Triscuit Rosemary & Olive Oil Crackers – Kids would never eat these. This is grownup junk food. These crackers are so flavorful with artificial ingredients that they completely disguise the taste of the cheese, which is the only way crackers should be eaten anyway. Everyone thinks Triscuits are good for you, and contain fiber, which they do, but they also are loaded with fat, carbs and sodium. But the fun part is the claim on the front of the box: NATURAL FLAVOR WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVOR. What is the natural flavor and what is the "other" natural flavor? Sounds like a good letter to Nabisco, to ask that question.

Kirkland Extra Fancy Mixed Nuts – Nuts are good for you, a good source of protein, unless you have some digestional issues like diverticulitis. My question here is the application of the "extra fancy" description. Are nuts fancy? What exactly makes these nuts fancy? Is it their shape that makes them fancy? Their size? Their color? And once one has determined why these nuts are fancy, what exactly makes them "extra" fancy? This is a great puzzle to me.

Aunt Jemima Butter Rich Syrup – Note that the word "syrup" is in small letters and the "butter rich" is in big yellow letters. I would not eat this particular food but for those who would, there are a few issues here that need some discussion. This looks suspiciously like something that should not be consumed by anyone who is not a grizzly bear. It looks scary, even to the untrained eye, in its artificiality. But wait! Our fears are assuaged because in small letters it says "Natural Butter Flavor With Other Natural Flavors – Contains No Butter". Yes, I know it's hard to see that on the picture here, but it really says that. I am not making it up. This opens up a crapload of questions, so I needed to put them in a list.

Are the letters yellow because that's the color of butter?
When people put syrup on pancakes, they usually also use butter, so is this extra butter?
Should we not put real butter on our pancakes if we are using Aunt Jemima Butter Rich Syrup and would that be too much butter?
What is Natural Butter Flavor?
What are Other Natural Flavors?
Is Natural Butter Flavor also an Other Natural Flavor?
How can there be Natural Butter Flavor if there is No Butter?
Do we really need butter in syrup anyway? Shouldn't syrup just be, well, syrup?

These are three items I found with hardly any searching. There are others, probably even funnier than these. Yet it's kind of sad to think consumers can be fooled by these kinds of phrases which are designed by experts in marketing and the English language (and probably psychology) to dupe the public.

Watch your labels, and better yet, try to buy things that don't have labels. Things like fresh vegetables and fruit. And if they have labels, it's a lot better if the ingredients are pronouncable. Stuff that ends in "acetate" or "oxide" or "phosphate" should probably be bypassed. Other questionable ingredients contain the word "gum" and anytime you see "natural flavorings" be concerned, be very concerned.

So, how about commenting about your favorite misleading food label? I'd like to hear about it.

  

The Mystery of Intersecting Events

It's about time I start to hype my new novel (Perigee Moon) which I hope to have out by Spring, 2012. I have four weeks to work on it, then I'm committed to a babysitting gig until the end of May. I'm thinking I might not have a whole lot of time to devote to it while taking care of an 8-week-old. I'll probably blog about that experience. It's been a long time since I've changed a diaper.

In the past, people (make that one person) has said that my female characters are "mean". I was shocked to hear that because I didn't intend them to be considered mean, just strong women, or women who have put up with less than perfect relationships (through no fault of their own) and take a stand about what their futures will hold.

There is a character in the book, Abby, who couldn't be called mean by anyone. She is the kind of person many can identify with, not overly sure of herself, second-guessing herself along the way. Many years ago she had a crush on Luke (the main character) and she finds that when their paths cross again, decades later, she still pretty much feels the same as she did back then.

She's just seen him again and she thinks about how coincidental it is. Is it coincidence or some kind of predetermination which causes events to happen the way they do? She thinks of it as intersecting events where all along the way a different path could have been chosen. But because one path led to another and another, she's ended up here, and it's precisely where she wants to be.

Here is an excerpt:

She thought about her Aunt Maude — who'd been dying for the last thirty of her ninety-eight years (or so she'd told anyone who would listen) — and how Aunt Maude had picked this particular time to succumb. But of course, Aunt Maude hadn't picked the time of her death, it had just happened that way. And what if she, Abby, hadn't come back here, for the memorial service? She would never have seen Luke Koslov again, and would never have had the chance to talk to him, and here he was asking if they could go together, to the dinner dance, tomorrow night. It made her think that somehow events are planned to coincide and intersect in such a way that it alters the course of a life, or what's left of a life, as if the person or persons whose life might change because of a chance meeting, might be in the eye of an almighty somewhere and deemed important enough that He has designed it for the sole purpose of having them reconnect.

Interesting thought. She liked to think of it. What if. What if Aunt Maude had died last Tuesday, a week ago, instead of this Tuesday? What if she hadn't arranged to meet up with her cousin, Anne, for lunch at Applebee's on Thursday? What if she hadn't run into her old friend Dorie Wester, whom she hadn't seen in decades, just as Dorie was pushing her 90-year-old mother in a wheelchair past the table where Abby sat? What if they hadn't recognized each other? What if Dorie hadn't mentioned the reunion? What if Dorie hadn't suggested she come? What if Dorie hadn't insisted that she come? What if Abby hadn't said she would come?

And, most important, what if Luke hadn't been there?

I've thought about this, as it equates to my own life. I'm sure others have done the same. What if I'd done it differently. What if I'd done A instead of B? What if I'd gone here instead of there? It's an interesting thought, and sometimes, unfortunately, tinged with regret. As if it might have been better if I'd gone here instead of there, or done A instead of B.

Nevertheless, we end up where we are because we choose a number of paths along the way. We come to an intersection and choose one way over another. This is what Abby thinks has happened, and for her, it's the best outcome she could have hoped for. A little like March Madness, you have to choose correctly and keep on choosing correctly and if you do, in the end, you might be a winner.

A Novel Field Trip

Occasionally I like to write about things about which I know not much (or nothing) and when this happens a field trip becomes necessary. In my new novel, Perigee Moon, the main character, Luke, becomes very attached to a place, a park in Columbus, Ohio, called Highbanks. This park is located in the midst of urban sprawl just off US 23 between Worthington and Delaware, Ohio in the midst of suburban housing and some rather forgettable urban development, strip malls, car dealerships and the occasional abandoned home.

Luke is especially enamored of the wetlands area which can be viewed, but to which there is no access. There is a trail to an overlook deck which is built on stilts such that the park goers cannot access the land, but can only view the natural protected area.

I decided if I wanted to write about it I better not just assume it, but should go there and take a look for myself. A field trip. Unfortunately I waited until December to go but needed to get there because the book is nearly completed. I couldn't afford to wait around for spring.

We had an unnaturally warm December this year, no white Christmas, and days that felt like late March. On December 21, 2011, the high temperature must have hit 60. It had rained earlier but the sun appeared at noon and I thought, this might be the last chance I have to do this. So I went to Highbanks in order to walk the trail to the wetlands overlook deck. I packed up my camera because I figured it might be blog material and I wanted to include some pictures.

The park has two main paths and the wetlands trail veers off from one of them and continues for .4 mile to the deck. I started down the path, got about twenty steps and thought, hmm, this might not be as easy as I had hoped. Because it had been so wet, the trail was covered with wet, soggy leaves with standing water in places.

Since I am a bit of a little old lady when it comes to slippery stuff, I was not a little apprehensive. But I really, really wanted to see it so I trudged on, thinking all the way, this is dumb, what if I fall down here and break something (and around my house we joke about falling down and breaking a hip, but really, that seems as if it could be more of a reality these days), and there I'd be on a trail where sane people are nowhere in sight. I figured I could always call someone as I lay bleeding on the ground but it would be a case of hindsight at that point and a realization that I had just done a really dumb thing.

With every step I thought, I have to do this all again on the way back, but for some reason I kept on with it. At points I had to stop and figure out my strategy for the next step. How do I get over this little stream of water which is surrounded on both sides by roots of trees that are slimy with moss and other miscellaneous park debris? Each step was a new hazard.

Finally I reached my destination. It was worth the trip. Here is what I saw there:

 

The wind kicked up and I thought I really need to get back and not get stuck in a rainstorm which would only add to my precarious situation, so I picked my way back the .4 miles of slime to the main trail. Once safely back to the main (much more civilized) trail, I notched up the pace because the changeable weather was now kicking in to windy, going-to-rain-any-minute mode. I was a little disappointed in how this picture turned out, that it didn't capture the drama of the day. While overhead the sky was still blue, I could see ominous black clouds at the horizon through the trees.

 

Sure enough, it rained and the wind became very gusty and those trees, so tall because they have been there since the beginning of time and denuded of their leaves, swayed and cracked. I could hear the occasional limb let go in the distance and a new worry surfaced. What if I get clocked with a piece of a tree?

I made it back okay without breaking anything and nothing breaking me, but not in time to avoid the downpour. After I was pretty thoroughly soaked it didn't seem to matter much any longer. You can only get so wet but a bad hair day for sure.

It might not make a bit of difference, but I feel by being there and seeing what Luke saw I can write about it with a little more confidence.

Here are a couple more nice remembrances of my outing.

Up through the trees:

The wetlands:

10 Opening Lines From a Random Bookshelf

This blog has been active for one year!

A few posts about opening lines have been coming my way, that I happened on in Facebook from someone I don't know personally but somehow ended up being a Facebook friend of mine. Can't remember how that happened.

The best opening lines were determined, from all genres of books, the idea being that you should hook the reader on the first line, go on to further hook with the first paragraph, first page, first chapter. And no backstory until at least the second chapter, after you've sufficiently hooked the reader.

I thought I'd do the opposite and take ten books from my bookshelf, all of which I have read, and examine their first lines and dissect them, whether they are bad or good and issue them a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

 1.       Renowned curator Jacques Sauniere staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

This is pretty good, I think. There is enough detail that I am intrigued. I know that Sauniere is a curator, and the fact that he is "renowned" probably puts him at middle age or beyond. The fact that he "staggered" is a curiosity, and it puts me in a museum, probably a section of which is devoted to fine arts, (the "Grand" Gallery). I am most interested in why he staggered. Something has happened to this old guy, let's find out what. Thumbs up on this one, although I found the rest of the book tedious.

 2.      The day Shelley told me she was pregnant, I laughed.

Back to Me Again by Gretchen Hirsch

I think laughter as a response to someone announcing a pregnancy might not be appropriate, so I would like to know why that happened. But other than that, I'm not sure I liked the opening line. It sounded flippant. This book was self-published by a woman who gave an interesting time management talk to aspiring writers. As part of the deal, she wanted to read a portion of her manuscript to the audience and get their feedback. I liked what she wrote, so I bought her book. It was good, I'd say it was really good women's fiction. The author is an accomplished writer of non-fiction and this was her first attempt at fiction. I thought she did a really good job of it, but her publisher wanted nothing to do with fiction, which is why she self-published. Liked the book, not the opening line. Thumbs down.

3.      The day was too beautiful to take a cab.

A Trip to the Inn by Dave Cunningham

This book was written by the son of a friend of mine. I believe it was his first, and there were parts of it that I liked a lot and found very thought provoking. Most of the characters were evil; there were almost no good characters in the story, they were all out to get each other. Which is fine, I don't believe you have to identify with, or like, characters, but not everyone agrees with that by any means. The premise of the book was excellent, in the way of the movie, Fargo, where one bad event happens and it gets covered up, and more characters get involved, so the cover ups go on and escalate until it's a real mess of a situation. But the opening line didn't do it for me. Thumbs down.

4.      Reece Gilmore smoked through the tough knuckles of Angel's Fist in an overheating Chevy Cavalier.

Angels Fall by Nora Roberts

This tome was left behind by someone, and wouldn't have ended up on my bookshelf otherwise. But in the spirit of diverse genres, I read it. I wasn't disappointed, in that, I got just what I expected. I did like part of it, but mostly it's formulaic in content. The opening line tells me nothing much except she is probably in some sort of financial trouble, but by the sound of her name, I would guess it is a temporary situation. This author is a bazillionaire, has written hundreds of books and has fans that will probably do themselves in if anything ever happens to Ms. Roberts. I thought "smoked through" and "tough knuckles" were iffy in their credibility, but I guess this author can now say whatever she wants and no one will dare to suggest she do it otherwise. Luckily she won't happen upon this post, so I can be safe in saying, thumbs down.

5.      I was six years old the first time I disappeared.

Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult

Good. This is a great hook, at least for me. I have no idea what is going on here, but that line seems poetic to me. A lot of Ms. Picoult's sentences are poetic, and I always start one of her novels so hooked I can't put the thing down. Unfortunately it doesn't carry me to the end. She does a great job of hooking, but not a great job of sustaining. By the end of the book, I didn't really care much what happened to the characters and there were events included that I thought should be cut, that they did very little to add to the story, if anything. But the first sentence is definitely a thumbs up.

6.        For the weekly docket the court jester wore his standard garb of well-used and deeply faded maroon pajamas and lavender terry-cloth shower shoes with no socks.

 The Brethren by John Grisham

Ah, John Grisham. His books are well-written, exciting, entertaining. He is also a bazillionaire. And getting what you expected, in this case, is a good thing. Not literary by any means, kind of like going to a movie of this same genre, it's fun while you're there but you don't take anything away from it other than the fact that you had two very pleasant hours watching it and the popcorn was delicious. I can't say I know anything about what the book will be about with the first sentence but it seems like he spent a lot of time on it, and while it piques my curiosity, I can't say it hooks me. Thumbs down.

7.       When I telephoned Thomassy that morning in March of 1974 and asked him to lunch, I counseled myself to muster a casual voice.

 Other People by Sol Stein

Mr. Stein writes fiction and also how-to-write books for amateur authors. In On Writing, he says that he wrote this novel using first person POV. That's not unusual except that he skipped from person to person and there were several characters, each with a chapter headed with his or her name so you knew whose head you'd be inside at any particular time. He said this was hard to do, and wouldn't recommend it to us newbies. I was curious and read it. I liked it, and I liked the first line, which tells me in what time frame the story takes place, and that the caller is very anxious, or nervous, or upset and wills himself to be calm when speaking to Thomassy. I liked it, thumbs up.

 8.       I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Apart from the punctuation, what's not to like about this? It sets the time and place and the idea of being born twice – what's that all about? I want to know, and maybe I have an inkling, but it sounds like it will be an interesting unraveling of the facts. And it was. This was an Oprah Pick, and I like this first line and give it the thumbs up but could do without the colons and semis.

 9.      All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

This is on everyone's list as one of the greatest first lines of all time. It is one of the best books ever written about nineteenth-century Russia, and social scandal. Men are allowed a certain freedom to dally, but not so with women. The men might have to deal with irate wives. The women throw themselves under trains. The beauty of this book is the translation. (Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky). I have seen other versions that do not compare to this one. It made me wonder, is it the writing that is wonderful, or the translation? Guess we won't know for sure, but this first line is naturally a thumbs up.

 10.     After dark the rain began to fall again, but he had already made up his mind to go and anyway it had been raining for weeks.

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wrobleski

I did like this first line but I'm not sure if I can explain why I do. It's conversational, as if the author is about to tell me a story. And I do want to know where he is going. The style makes me think this book will be beautifully written in an understated way. Of course I don't know that to be true after reading just this first line, but it did turn out to be true. Thumbs up.

Can You Make a Boring Subject Funny?

Interesting search criteria today, which resulted in a click on the Home Page of this blog – "fiction book on getting rid of baby boomers". I am pretty sure this searcher did not get what s/he hoped for.

I guess there are a lot of younger people out there who would like to get rid of baby boomers. We must be the thorn in the sides of many Gen Xers (and younger) but getting rid of a whole generation of people would be difficult to achieve. Maybe they don't want to support us, our socialized incomes that they are forced to contribute to? Maybe they think, as we age, and retire, and go on Medicare that we will bring on even more financial ruin to this country? Or, maybe, we're just regarded as a bunch of self-centered, me-first, egotistical cry-babies that everyone else loves to hate.

Speaking of Medicare, is there anyone else out there who is tired of getting Medicare mailings? Can anyone enlighten me, if there is a subject more boring than Medicare? Can anyone further enlighten me, on why they feel it necessary to bombard us with mailings every single day? Is it because it's so confusing to begin with? Is it because they think more is better when it comes to junk mail? The following is a partial list of the types of junk mail one can expect to receive when one reaches a "certain age":

Medicare and Medicare related mailings, including (but not limited to) Medicare Part A (hospitalization), Medicare Part B (doctors),  Medicare Part C (HMO's which are too complicated to explain here), Medicare Part D (drug coverage), and enough Medicare Supplemental Insurance information to fill the bed of a Ford F-250.
Invitations to lunch or dinner, but oh by the way, you are required to sit through a presentation of how to protect your assets through annuities.
Hearing aid devices (to my knowledge, I am not yet deaf).
Funeral pre-arrangement plans.

I refuse to think of myself in these terms, that the wheels are falling off. When I hear that particular phrase, I always think of the little red wagon, the Radio Flyer. Everyone had one back when we were kids. The wheels may be getting wobbly, but they are not falling off. The paint is peeling, and the metal a little rusty, but basically the wagon is still street-worthy.

Mailings for Medicare always seem to have pictures of people with gray or white hair, smiling Crest Whitestrip smiles, who are enjoying very active lives. They go to the beach and ride bikes a lot. I think some of the people in these pictures are really younger people with old-looking hair. Good news and bad news. The good news is you get the gig to be a pamphlet model, the bad news is you have to wear a gray wig and pretend you're 65.

Recently I received, as part of my brand new Medicare Supplemental Plan, an invitation to sign up with the "SilverSneakers" program. Really? I guess I have an aversion to signing up for programs with dumb sounding names because it went immediately to the recycle bin, even though there were lots of pictures of happy looking (albeit older) women who were very satisfied with themselves for "getting fit and staying healthy".

Earlier this week, ten (that's 10!) letters from my Medicare Supplemental Plan came on the same day.

I decided to blog about it, Medicare and the mailings forthwith , in the hopes that I could take a subject that is more boring than watching Pimp My Ride, and try to make something humorous out of it.

A while back, I blogged about Idiot Letters by Paul C. Rosa. The following is a Paul Rosa-type letter I composed, back to the Medicare Supplemental people who had sent the ten letters. Here it is:

20 Examples of Great Euphemisms

Repost Alert! Originally posted earlier this year. I think there might not be too many blog readers during this time, so am reposting with a new title (new numbered list blog title strategy). Merry Christmas!

A euphemism is "the substitution of a mild, indirect or vague term for one considered to be harsh, blunt, or offensive". Sometimes called doublespeak, a euphemism is a word or phrase which pretends to communicate but doesn't. It makes the bad seem good, the negative seem positive, the unnatural seem natural, the unpleasant seem attractive, or at least tolerable. It is language which avoids, shifts or denies responsibility. It conceals or prevents thought.

Doublespeak was one of the central themes of George Orwell's famous novel, 1984, although he didn't use that term, instead he used the terms "doublethink" and "newspeak".

Here are some particularly amusing examples, except where downright offensive.

1. If you are offered a career change or an early retirement opportunity, a career or employee transition, or you are being involuntarily separated, or if personnel is being realigned or there is a surplus reduction in personnel, or the staff is being re-engineered or right sized, or if there is a workforce imbalance correction then: You're fired!

2. You aren't poor, you are economically disadvantaged.

3. You aren't broke, you have temporary negative cash flow.

4. You do not live in a slum but in substandard housing, or in an economically depressed neighborhood, or culturally deprived environment.

5. If you are managing company stakeholders, that means you are lobbying, which is really the same as bribing.

6. When you get an unwanted phone call just as you are sitting down to dinner from a representative of the Republican party (and you are a Democrat) or vice versa, this is called a courtesy call. Only courtesy has nothing to do with it, it's just freaking annoying.

7. In light of the recent demise of Osama bin Laden, several politicians have stressed that it was the enhanced interrogation methods which caused the informants to squeal and give up the nickname of the courier, which we then followed around until he led us to the compound of OBL. This is one of my personal favorites, not the process it refers to of course, but the absolute ludicrousness of this particular phrase. The ultimate of euphemism. It's torture, folks! Torture, and you can't sugarcoat it, and you can't make it sound nice. Torture.

8. Since we've been involved in two wars for ten years, stuff happens, stuff that we don't want to happen. When you come into a country and break it, for a variety of good reasons, you might cause some collateral damage, which are really deaths of civilians. Women and children and old people. Accidental death. Accidental – but you can't quite escape the "death" part.

9. When a geographical area is neutralized or depopulated that means the CIA killed people, just because.

10. On a lighter note, intelligent ventilation points, when speaking of a garment are – armholes!

11. You're not buying a used car, you are purchasing a pre-enjoyed or pre-loved vehicle.

12. If you are a bank, bad, crappy debts are non- or under-performing assets.

13. Ah, genuine imitation leather. That new car smell. But really, it's cheesy vinyl. 100% virgin cheesy vinyl.

14. If you want a raise and you deserve a raise, but there's no money or the company just doesn't want to do it, you might get an uptitle instead, which is a fancy name for what you already are. Uptitles are fancy job names given in lieu of monetary compensation. An example: Assistant Supervisor of Things Beginning with the Letter "A".

15. Watch out if the company you work for says it is levering up, it means they are spending money they don't have. See "uptitle" above.

16. If you say you committed terminological inexactitude, or you relayed misinformation, misspoke or were economical with the truth, well that means you just told a whopper. A bold-faced lie.

17. If you are a politician in Arizona, people who run across the border are illegal aliens, unless they are employing these same people to tend to their children or flower gardens, then they are known as undocumented workers.

18. We consume adult beverages which are booze drinks, beer and wine and hard stuff. Adults also drink things like water, coffee and tea but these aren't called adult beverages, just beverages. There's adult entertainment too, and we know what that means. So attaching the adjective "adult" to a noun, must mean the same as "sleazy" or "bad for you".

19. If you get rejected for a job because you are partially proficient, that means you are just plain unqualified. This happens a lot to the middle class, as they attempt to find employment in other areas because the areas in which they used to work no longer exist. See my prior post about corporate buzzwords for the explanation of Outsourcing. But don't despair because you are probably totally proficient to be a greeter at Wal-Mart.

20. Here's the one that really hurts. When you're called postmenopausal, or mature, or senior – that means you're old.

What is your favorite euphemism?