Rebecca Besser's Blog, page 8

Micropoetry – Torn by Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Apathy by Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Paper by Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Gift by Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

False Perceptions – Expectations

ExpectationsBy Rebecca Besser

The weight of our own expectations can be heavy. But adding in the expectations, or perceived expectations of others, can make that load unbearable.

I’ve often had conversations with my son about different things in life, explaining things to him and how he can live better and happier. You know, giving him the wisdom of experience in the hopes it will sink in and save him some hardship as he navigates life. It’s my job as his mother to do so, after all.

One of those conversations I had with him was about the expectations of others and how they aren’t his responsibility to meet. Specifically he didn’t need to stress himself out by trying to fulfill his perceptions of what others expect from him. What do I mean?

Often times we have these ideas, that are completely our own, of what other people expect from us. Most of the time, those perceived expectations don’t exist other than the pressure we put on ourselves.

I told my son he shouldn’t pressure himself to be something he thinks someone else wants him to be, or do things he thinks someone else wants him to do. I make it very clear, often, my love for him is unconditional. I’m going to love him just for existing and being him; he doesn’t have to do anything or be anything other than who/what he is for me to love him. And I’m always proud of him, simply for being himself. I hope this relieves his need to perform or live a certain way just to please me.

We all, in some way, have perceived expectations, and those influence our own expectations of ourselves if we let them—usually in a stressful way. This could bear the weight of people pleasing, which isn’t a good thing to believe we have to carry. That’s taking on the burden of happiness for ourselves and for others, and it often leads one to not be happy because all energy is spent trying to make others happy and we forget about ourselves. While this is considered somewhat noble, especially in the case of one’s child(ren), we shouldn’t be doing it for other adults. If everyone takes responsibility for themselves and their expectations, etc., we’d all be a lot happier.

I’m one of those people who expects a lot from myself in many ways. High expectations and high standards are kinda a thing for me. I’m a borderline perfectionist in some areas of my life. So much so I’ve had people accuse me of thinking I’m perfect in the past. Nope. Don’t think I’m perfect. I think I fail at a lot, which is why I try so hard to do what I can well, despite knowing nothing I ever do will be perfect…ever. And, of course, I’ve had to learn to not expect people to meet those expectations I place on myself, because more often than not, others don’t even attempt to meet the level. (I deeply admire and love the people in my life who have come even close to being on the same level.)

I’ve often tried to make others around me happy, particularly my family, but I’ve learned to stop and manage my life better, and in doing so, have the lesson to impart to my son.

I’ve found many times the expectations I have of what others expect or want from me are just my perceptions of what they expect. So, I’m putting pressure on myself to do or be something no one but me expects. Thank God I’ve figured that out, because it’s exhausting. When you put undue pressure on yourself to be or do something that’s not even really expected or wanted is a waste of time and energy. And adds stress to life.

When it comes to family, those added, perceived expectations are born of love, but are often misguided. Think of the husband who works a lot because he believes giving his family material things is important and what they want, when his wife is unhappy and would rather he have more time to spend with her and their children. Or a child who believes their parents expect them to get straight As all the time or be the best athlete, etc., and will be deeply upset if they’re not. In these instances, if there was an honest conversation, there wouldn’t be so much wasted time, emotion, energy, and physical effort put into what’s not working out for anyone in a positive way. After all, you can’t make other people happy; happiness is something each person needs to figure out and achieve for themselves. And knowing all that…we start to really wonder why we’ve pressured ourselves for so long, for a mere perception.

I’m not even going to get into where all these perceived expectations come from, because, honestly, there are many different influences on our lives that make us expect unrealistic things and ways of being. Ugh!

But the undue influences that surround and shape us, and our thinking, are another reason we should examine on a regular basis where our expectations come from. Not only for ourselves, but of others too. Not only do we expect ourselves to perform at a certain level, but we expect things from other people we shouldn’t. Or, at least, we shouldn’t without expressing those expectations clearly. The perceived expectations we have of others they don’t know about, are what causes us to be unhappy with them most of the time. Think of all the times you expected someone to know what you wanted without telling them, and how they let you down. They really didn’t let you down, you let yourself down by not communicating what you expected from them, what you needed.

This, from my personal experience, was made most clear to me when my son was brought home from the hospital as an infant. He was our first child. Neither of us really had experience in the full-time care of a child, especially a newborn infant, and neither of us knew what to do or expect from each other, or even from a baby. I usually tell new parents if they can survive the first three months of parenting, they’ll be fine. That’s a grueling test of lack of sleep, not knowing what to expect in any area, complete lack of control, and unclear needs of one’s self as well as the other parent.

In reality, it would be great if we could do away with expectations altogether and just be ourselves and everyone would know what we want and need all the time. Humans aren’t structured that way though. I think we can get there, but we have to be aware of ourselves and what we want, and we have to be brave enough to be clear about those things with ourselves and others. That’s not easy. That takes time. That takes others around us who are at the same maturity level, because those can be hard conversations. But, imagine if our expectations were clear…

Then our expectations could change our lives.

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Unwanted by Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Stretching By Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Perception By Rebecca Besser

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023

Micropoetry – Propaganda by Rebecca Besser

Copyright @ Rebecca Besser 2023

Choices – Being Chosen

Choices – Being ChosenBy Rebecca Besser

We always have options. There are always choices to be made…in every area of our lives.

Every day decisions are made that shape and alter the course of our lives. The reasons behind each and every choice, and the choice itself, ultimately affects our future in some way. For example, making a decision from fear or desperation can alter the course in a negative way and lead to a possible loss of something or someone special, while making a decision from a calm place of knowledge or love can take us on a positive course and increase our chances of the best in life and relationships.

Most of the choices we make are based on perception, circumstance, and timing; we might believe we made a bad choice, but in reality, it was the choice we needed to learn something or help someone along their life’s journey. When you make a choice that feels like a step (or more) backward, returning to something that was once familiar and comfortable, it can slow you down from reaching your goal but also show you how far you’ve already come from where you once were. It could show you how much you’ve grown and show you in a very deep and real way you don’t belong there anymore, that the things that once brought you pleasure and joy don’t satisfy you anymore. You’re destine for more, for better in every area of your life. In that choice and action, you realize the only way to go is forward and on to something that now delights the new you, whether that be a new person, a new job, etc.

Choices can also enhance the future, even when we perceive them as negative at the time. Something you choose to do that may not feel good for you, or that might hurt someone else, may be what is needed to spur you/them to make a different choice. In essence, you’re the massive stone in the river that parts the way, where a choice needs to be made to determine which way life needs to flow; you just happen to be the hard lesson needed to make the separation. You’re there to spur their movement, their growth…and your own at the same time.

And if you make what you perceive to be good choices, you could inspire others, you could increase the speed of your life toward an outcome you desire, and/or you could discover hidden blessings you might have missed. You just have to be aware and brave enough to make the choices that will take you there. Few people make clear, positive choices on a regular basis. You have to be intentional about what you want, where you want to go, and who you want to be beside you on the path.

Ultimately the choices we make shape our lives. And some of the most important choices we make are who and what we allow into our lives; the who usually decides the what. There are a lot of people that feel comfortable who won’t bring value and depth to your life like someone who feels a little out there or crazy or too unbelievably amazing to be real.

Throughout life we encounter many people, each unique in their own way. Some we vibe with and some we don’t. Some we’re forced to interact with (like co-workers, etc.) and some we decide we like and seek a more personal connection with (like close friends and romantic partners). These are people we naturally click with who can’t be replaced by anyone else. And even though those rare, special people bring us the most joy, they’re often overlooked and ignored for those “step backwards to be comfortable” people. Why? Usually fear, self-doubt, and the emotional risk. This is a major issue for special people, those who stand out. Often they quiet down what makes them stand out so they can fit in with everyone else and be chosen for the love that’s denied them if they shine in their full potential. The “different” are always punished to some extent by society. And the need for love is what causes most to conform even when they don’t want to.

Being real, we all want to be chosen. Being “the chosen one” is popular in literature and entertainment for a reason; it’s a powerful trope that speaks to a need in everyone. We all want someone to see us as special and to be loved completely for it. But being special often scares people away. There’s the unbelievable factor, the overwhelming factor, and just the plain out “they’re too good” belief from those with low self-esteem. And face it, we all have self-doubt to some degree that influences our relationships with others.

I learned this lesson early in life, when my boyfriend ghosted me because I was deemed “too good” by his parents after they met me one time. He was adopted and had been through some hard things, and had some past behavior issues because of them. (Which is really messed up considering how fucked up my early life was, but they had no clue about.) I didn’t find out until years later why he cut all contact with me all of a sudden. I can’t even imagine the conversation his parents must have had with him; sounds pretty shitty to me, but they probably, ultimately, thought they were protecting me. It turned out to be a very memorable lesson on the price of being me, in my early teens. Apparently I wasn’t allowed to have a say or choice in my own life; to this day people who believe they have the right to make choices for me without my input piss me off.

As I grew into adulthood, I learned people like what’s comfortable, and that adds to the complication of being more than people expect. When you don’t fit into people’s idea of “normal” most don’t know how to handle you.

I never have “fit” into what people perceive as “normal.” I’m good at making people uncomfortable. I ask too many questions. I thumb my nose at too many societally acceptable behaviors and beliefs. I push boundaries with glee, and I don’t ask permission to be me. I’m also “too honest” for most people. I naturally have an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that shoves fear out of the equation. I literally terrify people by shaking up their world through challenging their comfort zones. And I’ve learned to embrace it and love it. (And I’d like to take a quick moment to thank all the people who tried to break me throughout the course of my life—you just made me stronger. Thank you!)

The price of being me is expensive, and I’ve learned most people can’t mentally or emotionally afford me. I’m not for the weak or faint of heart. I’ve learned not to expect people to choose me. I’ve been overlooked and ignored more times than I’ve been accepted or acknowledge.

It hurts. It really, really hurts.

But through rejection I’ve learned to love myself more.

I’ve learned what it means to choose myself, to love myself. That’s my choice. I’m my choice.

On the flip side, I’ve also met a lot of amazing people who absolutely adore and love me. They are what I consider authentic people. They tend to be the people who have also been punished by society in some way for not bending and breaking. And through having them in my life I’ve learned no matter how many people reject me for being me, there will also always be people who will love me for being me. That’s all in their choices, after all. And, since I hate it when people make decisions for me, I hate the idea of making choices for others and don’t do it.

If you want to reject me, that’s fine. I’ll float out of your life knowing someone, somewhere will love what you didn’t want to. I make the choice to choose me, and I plan to love me forever ‘cause I’m fucking awesome.

I hope you make the choice to be you, and that someone considers you worthy of being chosen.

We’re all worthy of being “the chosen one.” We deserve to be someone’s intentional and complete choice. We may be someone’s bad choice and be there to teach lessons, or we may be someone’s good choice and light their life up with excitement. Hell, maybe even a mixture of the two!

Regardless, don’t be afraid of your choices. Be aware of them, be intentional with them, learn for them and grow, but don’t mourn them. Your choices have made you who you are and have brought you to this point in your life. And you still have choices to make… I hope you’ll make them intentionally and choose something/someone wild, crazy, and fun. Brighten your future from this moment forward.

Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023