False Perceptions – Expectations
The weight of our own expectations can be heavy. But adding in the expectations, or perceived expectations of others, can make that load unbearable.
I’ve often had conversations with my son about different things in life, explaining things to him and how he can live better and happier. You know, giving him the wisdom of experience in the hopes it will sink in and save him some hardship as he navigates life. It’s my job as his mother to do so, after all.
One of those conversations I had with him was about the expectations of others and how they aren’t his responsibility to meet. Specifically he didn’t need to stress himself out by trying to fulfill his perceptions of what others expect from him. What do I mean?
Often times we have these ideas, that are completely our own, of what other people expect from us. Most of the time, those perceived expectations don’t exist other than the pressure we put on ourselves.
I told my son he shouldn’t pressure himself to be something he thinks someone else wants him to be, or do things he thinks someone else wants him to do. I make it very clear, often, my love for him is unconditional. I’m going to love him just for existing and being him; he doesn’t have to do anything or be anything other than who/what he is for me to love him. And I’m always proud of him, simply for being himself. I hope this relieves his need to perform or live a certain way just to please me.
We all, in some way, have perceived expectations, and those influence our own expectations of ourselves if we let them—usually in a stressful way. This could bear the weight of people pleasing, which isn’t a good thing to believe we have to carry. That’s taking on the burden of happiness for ourselves and for others, and it often leads one to not be happy because all energy is spent trying to make others happy and we forget about ourselves. While this is considered somewhat noble, especially in the case of one’s child(ren), we shouldn’t be doing it for other adults. If everyone takes responsibility for themselves and their expectations, etc., we’d all be a lot happier.
I’m one of those people who expects a lot from myself in many ways. High expectations and high standards are kinda a thing for me. I’m a borderline perfectionist in some areas of my life. So much so I’ve had people accuse me of thinking I’m perfect in the past. Nope. Don’t think I’m perfect. I think I fail at a lot, which is why I try so hard to do what I can well, despite knowing nothing I ever do will be perfect…ever. And, of course, I’ve had to learn to not expect people to meet those expectations I place on myself, because more often than not, others don’t even attempt to meet the level. (I deeply admire and love the people in my life who have come even close to being on the same level.)
I’ve often tried to make others around me happy, particularly my family, but I’ve learned to stop and manage my life better, and in doing so, have the lesson to impart to my son.
I’ve found many times the expectations I have of what others expect or want from me are just my perceptions of what they expect. So, I’m putting pressure on myself to do or be something no one but me expects. Thank God I’ve figured that out, because it’s exhausting. When you put undue pressure on yourself to be or do something that’s not even really expected or wanted is a waste of time and energy. And adds stress to life.
When it comes to family, those added, perceived expectations are born of love, but are often misguided. Think of the husband who works a lot because he believes giving his family material things is important and what they want, when his wife is unhappy and would rather he have more time to spend with her and their children. Or a child who believes their parents expect them to get straight As all the time or be the best athlete, etc., and will be deeply upset if they’re not. In these instances, if there was an honest conversation, there wouldn’t be so much wasted time, emotion, energy, and physical effort put into what’s not working out for anyone in a positive way. After all, you can’t make other people happy; happiness is something each person needs to figure out and achieve for themselves. And knowing all that…we start to really wonder why we’ve pressured ourselves for so long, for a mere perception.
I’m not even going to get into where all these perceived expectations come from, because, honestly, there are many different influences on our lives that make us expect unrealistic things and ways of being. Ugh!
But the undue influences that surround and shape us, and our thinking, are another reason we should examine on a regular basis where our expectations come from. Not only for ourselves, but of others too. Not only do we expect ourselves to perform at a certain level, but we expect things from other people we shouldn’t. Or, at least, we shouldn’t without expressing those expectations clearly. The perceived expectations we have of others they don’t know about, are what causes us to be unhappy with them most of the time. Think of all the times you expected someone to know what you wanted without telling them, and how they let you down. They really didn’t let you down, you let yourself down by not communicating what you expected from them, what you needed.
This, from my personal experience, was made most clear to me when my son was brought home from the hospital as an infant. He was our first child. Neither of us really had experience in the full-time care of a child, especially a newborn infant, and neither of us knew what to do or expect from each other, or even from a baby. I usually tell new parents if they can survive the first three months of parenting, they’ll be fine. That’s a grueling test of lack of sleep, not knowing what to expect in any area, complete lack of control, and unclear needs of one’s self as well as the other parent.
In reality, it would be great if we could do away with expectations altogether and just be ourselves and everyone would know what we want and need all the time. Humans aren’t structured that way though. I think we can get there, but we have to be aware of ourselves and what we want, and we have to be brave enough to be clear about those things with ourselves and others. That’s not easy. That takes time. That takes others around us who are at the same maturity level, because those can be hard conversations. But, imagine if our expectations were clear…
Then our expectations could change our lives.
Copyright © Rebecca Besser 2023
