Lynn Messina's Blog, page 4

Why do you think zombies make better boyfriends? Pick a reason. Send a postcard!

Here at The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies, we're all about looking on the bright side of things. So what if the zombie apocalypse turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies?! Zombies aren't all bad. Below, our top 5 reasons zombies make better boyfriends. Pick your favorite and send it with a note ("And you thought John grunted a lot!") to your pals. Simply follow the Greeting Card link.

Reason #5 No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!

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Reason #4 Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He'll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie's pretentious dinner parties or Catherine's appallingly bad fake British accent.

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Reason #3 Shoe shopping! Your zombie boyfriend loves shopping for shoes and will cheerfully spend hours in a chair watching you try on pair after pair. Torn between the red pumps and the pink heels? Let your boyzomb decide! His taste is impeccable. Best of all: He won't notice price, let alone grunt with disapproval when those sexy slides set you back half a mortgage payment.

Reason #4 Total career support! Your zombie boyfriend won't feel threatened by your job or how much money you make—and he won't complain if you cancel plans because of work. He'll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.

Reason #5 Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won't wince at the wordcommitment or leave you wondering if he'll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won't-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy's wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend's every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Have your own reason why zombies make better boyfriends? Great! We'd love to hear it. Leave it in the comment box, and our illustrator will create an amazing image for it. Then we'll add it to the e-card options, so others can see it and send it to their friends.

What are you waiting for? Get sending!

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Zombie sex misconception #4: Zombies lose arms and legs all the time.

Once upon a time, zombies were a walking junkyard of littered limbs and scattered digits, but the new generation of zombaceuticals successfully halts the breakdown of ligament fibers, the number one cause of limb discharge. Limb retention is almost at a staggering 75 percent, which means most domesticated zombies have the vast majority of their limbs.

And don't worry: Recent studies show that sex is neither more likely nor less likely to cause a limb mishap, disproving earlier theories that the rigors of intercourse are too much for their fragile frames.

Despite great advances in science, zombies still tend to lose their fingers and toes at an alarming rate and any discussion about zombies and sex would be remiss to not mention it. If a zombie loses a finger or toe during intercourse, stop what you're doing immediately and fetch your zombie repair kit. Sew the digit back into place, wait ten minutes and resume previous activity.

Odds are, it'll never happen to you, but it's smart to be prepared, so make sure to keep your zombie repair kit up to date. Better safe than sorry.

Is Mom a zombaphobe? Don't adjudicate—educate!

All those years of imagining that wonderful moment when you tell Mom you're getting married, you never once pictured her trembling in horror and shrieking Dear God, no!

Disappointing? Yes. But to be fair, neither did she.

When your mother was young, human males were plentiful and a girl had her pick of the fresh-flesh litter. Back then, the saying "There are plenty of fish in the sea," didn't actually refer to fish; it referred to men.

In the wake of the great zombie plague, that sea has dried up, but your mother, like most women her age, has been slow to adapt. She wants to be there for you, but she doesn't know how to support you through what she sees as troubling life choices. Although this problem might seem very specific to our particular zombie age, it is, in fact, reflective of the common generational wrangling every age engages in.

Before you despair, try these tried-and-true techniques. Your mom will be overplanning your wedding in no time!

Hear her out. Although you probably want to dismiss her attitude as reflexive zombaphobia, let her share her concerns. Agree that, yes, a relationship with a zombie has challenges. Consider mentioning a few that you yourself have experienced. If you find the constant little splatters of brain matter on your carpet vexing, tell her so. Knowing her concerns aren't completely one-sided will go a long way to eradicating them.

Talk up the upside. As right as your mom is about the disadvantages, she's equally wrong about the lack of advantages. There are plenty. Take some time and tell her what they are. Say, "You know, Mom, with this new promotion at work, I'm putting in tons of late hours. Joe doesn't mind at all. Plus, he won't say a word if you want to stay with us for a week."

Get on the same page. It's unlikely your mom understands the zombie language, let alone believes it exists. Give her lessons. (You can find a complete glossary of terms here.) Most of the "violent" and "rough" behavior commonly attributed to zombies is a product of frustration. Just like you, he simply wants to be understood. Explain that to your mom. I'm sure she'll understand.

 Leave them alone together. Not for long at first: Take the dog for a walk, run out for a carton of milk—any quick errand that leaves them alone for fifteen or so minutes. Zombaphobia is really just a fear of the unknown, and the only thing that ever overcomes ignorance is knowledge. So give your mom a chance to acquire some.

Cut her some slack. For years, your mom has seen horrific portrayals of zombies as brain-eating monsters in the movies and on TV, and she's just reacting to those familiar images. They have no bearing on reality, and eventually, she will figure that out. Keep a positive, love-me-love-my-zombie attitude, and with a little time, she'll do both!

Be a wanna-z! Advice for pulling off the zombie look without pulling out your hair (literally!)

Once the province of glossy magazines and fashion models, haute decay has finally stepped off the runway and into the supermarket, PTA meeting, executive conference room, and even the five-star restaurant on the Upper East Side.

And yet, as popular as the zombie look is, many women are still intimidated by the amount of time and money it takes to adopt a properly putrefied pose. Sure, some women spend hours at the beauty salon having their hair strandardized, but you don't have to. You can get the same coveted straggly chic style without leaving your own bathroom, and you don't have to lose a single strand to do it!

Here, tips for becoming your own homegrown beautiful corpse.

The eyes have it. Central to the zombie trend is the red webbing in a wanna-z's eyes. BloodTacts—bloodshot contact lenses—can cost up to $100 per pair, depending on the intracacy of the lines. You can attain the same effect at a fraction of the cost with a helpful little product that's probably already in your purse: pepper spray. A tiny shot of pepper spray will turn your eyes bright pink for hours. Apply carefully. Excessive application can result in burning, stinging and temporary blindness.

Neither hair nor there The stringy gray strands of straggly chic might be all the rage but don't be so quick to surrender your tresses to strand-thinning mavens at the local salon. Rates of regrowth vary, and many women report dissatisfaction with the appearance of their scalp. Instead of heading to the salon, head to your pantry. Douse your head with olive oil; on days when you  need a little extra conditioning, go  extra virgin. Once hair is seriously soaked, sprinkle with all-purpose flour. (Use 3 tablespoons whole wheat for a super-grime look.) Clump hair together in bunches about a quarter inch thick, taking care to keep them separate, and you are ready to go. Not sure what to do with the excess oil sliding down your forehead? Take along a brightly colored statement handkerchief and keep the drips at bay in style!

Clothing in on it. The best haute-decay designs are those that leave the tailoring to Mother Nature. All too frequently, torn and ripped clothes can look calculatingly damaged. Replicate the replication of the natural world by staking your favorite outfits to a tree for several weeks. Then run them through the dishwasher with boric acid. In no time at all, your beloved 7s will look like they've been dragged around by a rotted corpse for ten years. Beautiful!

Making scents. Fifty percent of wanna-z success is aural. If you smell like a zombie, then you look like a zombie. To be on trend without making your gag reflex kick in, buy Eau de Death at any drugstore or pharmacy and sweeten it at home with this easy concoction: 2 tablespoons cream soda, 1 tablespoon vanilla, 1 teaspoon confectioners' sugar, 1 cherry Jolly Rancher dissolved in 2 ounces hot water. Mix with your perfume of choice and voilà—sweets for the sweet!

"You're standing on my foot!" and other things your zombie is trying to tell you

It's easy to become discouraged when you hear the garbled nonsense your zombie spews. (I'm looking at you, Mostly As and Bs. Not sure which "mostly" you are: As, Bs, Cs or Ds? Take our "Your Zombie Said Wha…?" quiz to find out!) But learning to decipher zombese is not as tricky as you think. Simply refine your ear to become more in tune with the subtle differences in pronunciation.

Still sounds too challenging? Try supplementing what you hear with what you see. Each word a zombie says is formed in a particular way, according to Lauren March, an Australian mezzo-soprano whose book, Decoding Zombie Speech for the Masses, is the definitive work on the subject. "Keeping a careful eye on a zombie's mouth is the surefire method to understand his every utterance," she says. "Ugh, for example, is formed by the slight bending of the lower lip. Its complement, ergh, is formed by a slight bending of the upper lip. Neh is made when what is left of the tongue presses against the front roof of the mouth. Meh is made when what is left of the tongue presses against the back roof of the mouth."

March's system is easy, reliable and guaranteed to bring you and your boyzomb closer together. Nothing fosters intimacy like conversation!  But it only works with zombies who have sufficient mouth architecture. If you are dependent on visual cues for understanding, think carefully before entering a relationship with a zombie whose lips and tongue have rotted away.

Practice is key to any successful endeavor, so study the glossary below and commit the words to memory.  Then get chatting!

GLOSSARY

Word                        Type                               Meaning

Ag                                exclamation                  conveys frustration

Argh                           statement                        "I hate flies."

Ack                              statement                       "You're standing on my foot."

Egh                              exclamation                  conveys annoyance at flies circling head

Ekk                              interjection                    "Ouch!"

Ergh                            statement                        "I want to dance."

Grr                               statement                       "I'm full."

Igg                               exclamation                   conveys satisfaction

Igk                               interjection                   "Oh, no, a hat!"

Irgh                             statement                        "Brains good!"

Meh                             interjection                    "Good brains!"

Mrgh                           greeting                          "Hello"

Neh                              statement                       "Nice shoes"

Oog                             statement                        "I want to watch football."

Ooga                          statement                         "I want to watch more football."

Oogagg                      question                          "Hey, why did you turn off the football?"

Oaw                            interjection                    "Yummy brains!"

Ow                              exclamation                   conveys sadness

Ugg                             question                           "Do I smell brains?"

Ugh                             statement                        "I'm hungry."

Uhn                            exclamation                    conveys desire to go  shoe shopping

Your zombie said wha…?

We've all been there—at the snack counter at the movie theater and you turn to your zombie date and ask if he wants a little something brainy to munch on during the film and he says, "Argh gaw." Or was that "Gargh yaw"? Maybe "Argh yaw"? "Gargh gaw"?

The movie starts. The opening credits roll. You stand there baffled.

The truth is, yes, zombies, with their undifferentiated vowels and all those glottal stops, are hard to understand. But it doesn't have to be impossible. First, take this quiz to find out how much you have to learn. Then come back tomorrow for tips on how to improve your comprehension. You and your boyzomb will be bantering like Hepburn and Tracy in no time!

1. Ugh means…

a) Ugh

b) Oog ergh grrr

c) Is this a tow-away zone?

d) I'm hungry.

2. Grr means…

a) Grr

b) Ergh neh argh

c) Is alternate side of the street parking in effect?

d) I'm full.

3. Ergh means…

a) Ergh

b) Grr oog ugh

c) Do you have change for the meter?

d) I want to dance.

4. Oog means…

a) Oog

b) Ugh ow neh

c) Is this permit parking only?

d) I want to watch football.

5. Neh means…

a) Neh

b) Ugh ergh grrr

c) How can I appeal a ticket?

d) Nice shoes

If you chose mostly As…

Like most women on the planet, you've written off the various moans and groans of the zombie as, well, various moans and groans. No need to be embarrassed. It's perfectly natural to assume a groan is a groan is a groan. The zombie language is unsophisticated but it exists.

If you chose mostly Bs…

Unlike our mostly-As friends, you're willing to give zombies the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they're not capable of communicating with humans, but they can converse with others of their own species subcategory. What they're actually saying to each other doesn't matter so much as they have the ability to say it. Like two dogs barking at each other, zombies know what they need to know and not an iota of information more.

If you chose mostly Cs…

Congratulations! You understand the sophistication of zombie language even if you've overestimated the substance of it. Yes, zombies are fond of cars and enjoy attacking them as frequently as possible (perhaps because they think they've got tasty rhino brains inside, as some zombologists have suggested). But their love of automobiles stops short of dissecting parking rules. But perhaps that's only for now. New zombaceuticals improve zombie accomplishments daily.

If you chose mostly Ds…

Hello, savvy woman. Nothing gets by you. You might not be hip to all the ins and outs of zombese, but you know something significant is going on. And go, you, for keeping your expectations in line with reality. With their guttural grunts and groans, zombies are indeed expressing basic needs. Tuning into the subtleties of their language will help you communicate your needs as well. Tomorrow, all you need to create a harmonious relationship with your cutie-pazoombie.

Hold that Ming! Tips for zombie-proofing your home

As anyone who has seen a zombie get mowed down by a bus during rush hour knows (and, honestly, who hasn't?), their coordination and sense of awareness leave a lot to be desired. And crossing the street is the least of it. During the average day, a zombie runs into 16.35 occasions of potential extinction, according to new research from the Zombie LifeWorth Network. Make his existence at home a little safer with these easy fixes.

Go un naturel. We all know there's nothing more romantic than dinner by candlelight, but a charred zombie hardly makes for a pleasant dining companion. The smell of burnt putrified flesh can make even the most pungent coq au vin unappetizing. Protect your zombie from the irresistable lure of fire ("Ooh, bright, shiny, flickering. Me want to cuddle."*) by using only electric lights. Neither one of you will be particularly complimented by the harsh glow of fluorescent bulbs but you won't be flambéed—and that's a good look for everyone!

Step away. A zombie's focused, straight-ahead stare, although flattering when you're wearing a particularly lovely new dress, can be deadly when stairs are involved. Zombies never look down, which means they frequently fall down stairwells and shaftways and over the sides of cliffs. You can't protect your boyzomb from all the hazards of modern life, but a zombie gate at the top of the staircase can go a long way toward ensuring he remains unharmed in the home. Buy a gate specifically designed for zombies, such as ZafetyFurst's One_Press Peace of Mind Gate ($39.99); it opens easily and with little fuss. Gates designed to keep out babies and toddlers often have complicated latches. Your zombie isn't as smart as a 1-year-old, so there's no reason to treat him like one!

Take the high ground. Zombie-proofing isn't about protecting only your zombie from harm; it 's also about protecting your favorite things. A zombie's lumbering gait might be great for stomping grapes into wine, but it can spell disaster for your fine antiques. Store all objects of emotional or financial value on the top shelf. To gauge if the shelf is high enough, compare it to the shoulders of your zombie. If it clears them by two inches, you're fine. Typically, a zombie won't reach up for your grandma's beloved Ming vase unless it's coated with animal brains. Make sure all bookshelves, display stands and cabinets are sturdy.  Look for ones rated 3 zombforce; furniture with a 3 zombforce rating can withstand the weight of three zombies knocking into it at the same time.

Zombie-proofing might seem like a drag, but it's easy once you put your mind to it. Just follow these simple steps and you'll be set for life—your zombie's life, that is!

* Simulated zombie thought only. Actual zombie thought not yet determined to exist.

SF Signal premieres The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies trailer

http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/2012...

Brainiac: a smart woman's guide to buying brains

It's hard to hit the brain aisle of the local supermarket without having your mind blown. There are so many choices: fried chicken brains, sautéed cow-brain medallions au poivre, Mama Mamamino's brain ravioli in red or white sauce, boiled octobrains with hollandaise, filet de porc du cerveau, Funfoods Happy Treats Brain Freeze frozen pops in twelve great species, and so on and so on.

There are as many options for feeding zombies as there are for dating them.

It's little wonder that 56 percent of women cite supplying food for their beau as the number two reason why they don't want to date a zombie. (The number one reason? Sex. But you already knew that. Wink.)

The trick to buying dinner for your boyzomb is reminding yourself that zombies don't have sophisticated palates. They can't detect an insouciant hint of lemon. In fact, they can't detect anything at all. Thirty-six hours after initial zombification, the taste buds start to break down. Seventy-two hours later, the human taste mechanism ceases to exist.

A study by researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Madison confirms this deficiency. In a blind taste test, zombies showed no preference for prepared brains over unprepared brains. "Zombie's don't care about taste, texture or smell," says study author Jasmine Courtland, Ph.D., professor of applied zombie psychology. "They will eat any speck of brain you put in front of them. The only time they won't eat something is when it's not brains. We tried substituting spaghetti, pumpkin and kidney beans but they literally didn't bite."

Courtland advises women to save their money and buy the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product they can find. "Sure, we'd all like to think that the zombie we're dating isn't so primeval as to suck the gray matter right out of the skull of a still-breathing animal. But the truth is, these are wild creatures that live solely by compulsion. They weren't made to wait thirty minutes while a French chef sous-vides the cerebral cortex."

And where can you find the simplest, plainest, rawest, cheapest brain product at the supermarket? "Well, that's a bit of a challenge," Courtland concedes. "Gourmet brain cuisine is big business, so managers tend to hide the cheap stuff. It's usually in the back under  Mrs. Yummikin's Prepackaged Preseasoned Cat's Brains."

You'll probably have to shift around a few boxes to find the good stuff, but savvy shoppers know it's worth the extra effort. With all the money you save, you can treat yourself to a mani-pedi. Or a dozen.

Slaughterhouse jive: Find love at the local abattoir with these easy steps

Zombies! They're still everywhere and yet you still can't figure out how to meet one! Don't worry. If the first method, culling the herd, wasn't for you—and don't blame yourself: Most women can't bear the thought of braving the wilds of suburbia!—maybe method number two is. This method entails visiting a slaughterhouse and having cocktails with your friends. Interested? Read on.

METHOD 2: VISITING THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Best suited for:

Women with a can-do spirit who don't want to do too much
Women who are budget-conscious but not budget-constrained
Women with a moderate amount of spare time
Women with an adventurous sense of fun

What is entails: Given how naturally drawn to slaughterhouses zombies are, it was only a matter of time before these meat facilities became meet facilities. Enterprising owners, noticing the swarm of women around the swarm of zombies, added dance floors and bars to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. To find your honey at a slaughterhouse, simply put on your best duds and head down to the nearest hotspot (check local listings).

The advantages: Visiting the slaughterhouse is an easy, low-risk way to meet a potential boyzomb. You can show up whenever you want and check out the stock with little effort or emotional investment. Don't see anything you like? Leave and come back another day. Shy about going alone? No problem. Take along your best pal or your posse and turn it into a girls' night out. Order drinks, nibble on light fare and catch up with your GFs before looking for BZs. The evening doesn't have to be all about finding a zombie.

The other advantage to a slaughterhouse zombie is he's already on the road to domestication. All zombies living within city limits are on state-mandated appetite suppressants, so his desire to feed constantly is under control. You simply have to augment the regimen with limb-retention supplements, firming creams and odor neutralizers.

The disadvantages: Slaughterhouses are not free, most requiring a cover charge and two-drink minimum. A typical evening can run you fifty to sixty dollars. Some places offer better value than others. The Green Mosquito on Gansevoort in New York City, for example, has a VIP lounge, karaoke rooms and a comedy club where bands also perform on the weekends.

Another drawback is the popularity of such joints means the competition to meet zombies is fierce. Don't expect to make a love connection simply by showing up. At a slaughterhouse, you have to assert yourself. Keep it polite—remember, we're still ladies—but don't defer to anyone. If you see something you like, go after it. Otherwise, all you will have at the end of the evening is lots of regret and a large bar tab.

Lastly, at the slaughterhouse, you won't get a perfectly groomed specimen. City zombies live easier lives than roamers in the burbs, but they're still rough around the edges. Limb retention is good but not one hundred percent, so expect a missing arm, leg or nose here and there. Likewise, the worst of their odor should be tempered by slaughterhouse-administered perfume dust, but their smell can still make you queasy. Be prepared for a long de-scent-ization process.

Conclusion: Visiting a slaughterhouse is the perfect method for the career girl who wants a boyzomb but is wary of commitment. She's not afraid to have fun and nourishes strong personal connections with her friends. A little effort doesn't scare her, but she's not in it for a long haul. A shortcut or two is just fine with her!