Lynn Messina's Blog, page 2

Don’t date the zombie, warns Married with Zombies author Jesse Petersen

Zombie expert Jesse Petersen warns women not to date zombies. “Aim for the head,” she says. “Protect your brain.”

It’s no secret that dating a zombie isn’t for everyone, and here at the Girls’ Guide we pride ourselves in embracing dissenting views. In the following, zombie expert Jesse Petersen, author of the supremely funny Living with the Dead trilogy, shares why she thinks dating a zombie isn’t such a good idea. She’s written three books on the subject, so perhaps she knows something we don’t!

First off, thanks so much to Lynn for having me today as a guest on the blog. I especially thank her since my topic is one so very far from her own opinion on this subject. I mean, date a zombie?? I’ve always thought my first reaction (and the reactions of all my characters) would be to kill a zombie and think about dating last. So I would like to offer a bit of an alternative advice to those considering dating a zombie.

5 Reasons Not to Date a Zombie (Out of 50,000)

1. Lack of upward mobility

Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there are going to be a lot of zombies. Really, it will be the “it” thing to do, so you’d think that would mean a zombie would be a great guy to date. He’s not. There’s no upward mobility in it. Once you’re a zombie, you’re a zombie. There aren’t upper management zombies. Or doctor zombies. And it’s not that you need a guy who is going to move on up, but dating a guy who has no chance of upward mobility is dating a man who is stalled in his life. No fun.

2. He’s always checking out other girls…and guys

Cheating is just a no-no, and it can come in a lot of forms. With a zombie boyfriend, he’s always going to be looking around at other people. Now it won’t be for sex…but he’s going to want someone else for their brains. Can you live with that? With not being the only brain for him?

3. His sense of humor is stilted

Imagine a lifetime of this one joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Brains.” That’s it. That’s the whole joke. He’s not going to learn another one.

4. Body parts coming off during sex

Sexual compatibility is a big part of a good relationship, and I’m sure there are some zombies that still remember all the right moves. And since their muscle fibers and tissues are breaking down, they can also probably move around in some really crazy ways. But if a leg comes off in the middle of the sexy,

it’s going to scar you for life. I don’t care how freaky you are!!

5. Also, he wants to kill you

This is biggest reason not to date a zombie. He’s going to moan and groan and make all the right hand gestures, but when he smells your hair, it’s not about how hot he thinks you are. It’s about that tasty brain you’re keeping in your skull cavity. That’s what he wants, girl! Your brain. And even though we’ve all spent

decades exclaiming how we want guys to love us for our brains, in this case, it’s really not going to work…unless you want to zombie up, too.

So make your decision about who you pursue after the apocalypse comes, but don’t let some hot piece of zombie ass make you forget the pitfalls. Aim for the head, protect your brain.

Jesse Petersen is the author of many novels, including the truly hilarious Married With Zombies, Flip This Zombie and Eat, Slay, Love. Until the zombie apocalypse, she lives in the Midwest with her husband and two cats. Find out more about her at jessepetersen.net or follow her on Twitter @jessepet.

Fork you! The zombie utensil debate

To spoon or not to spoon—that is indeed the question. And what a seemingly inconsequential one it is, too. And yet whether or not zombies should be given utensils is one of the most hotly contested issues of the post-human-male era. The reason is hardly surprising, as the question goes to the very heart of what a zombie is: helpmeet or equal, companion or predator, poorly motor skilled animated corpse or deftly coordinated uncomposing human.

Despite the chatter, the only thing that matters is how you feel about the issue. Not sure where you stand? Answer these questions and decide for yourself. Then stick a fork in it! This debate is done.

Do I have the patience to teach my boyzomb how to use utensils?

Forget should zombies use knives and forks. The real question is can they? The short answer is yes. With training and practice, a zombie can master the skills necessary to pick up a piece of brain with a fork. But it takes a lot of training and practice. A zombified human male loses 3.5 percent of its gross motor skills each day and 4.75 percent of its fine motor skills. By the time it’s one year into its zombihood, a typical grown male zombie has merely a fraction of its human coordination. And that’s only its physical decay; mentally, a zombie decays at five times the rate. This means teaching your zombie how to eat with utensils requires a tremendous about of patience and effort on your part. If you decide it’s worth it, stick with it. Studies show that after three years of consistent behavior therapy, a typical zombie can cut with all the accuracy and flare of a 4-year-old.

What do I find embarrassing?

Picture this: You and your boyzomb are at your boss’s house for dinner, and she puts a plate of perfectly prepared brain au jus in front of your beau. What happens next? Does your boyzomb clumsily pokes at his meal with a fork and knife or does his pick it up and start munching? Both options have their risks. At any moment, his knife could fly across the table or a fine stream of brain drizzle can run down his chin. Which one makes you cringe more? If it’s the latter, then run out and get Jennifer Junipers’s international best-seller, Introductory Utensil Skills for Dummies, an indispensible primer on teaching your zombie the basics.

How good are my reflexes?

If you do decided to go the utensil route, be prepared to duck often because knives, forks and spoons will frequently fly out of your zombie’s loose grip and straight at your head. Last year, eight women in the United Provisional Authority died from utensil-instruction-related injuries. Eighty-seven percent of wounds are caused by knives, so you might consider limiting your boyzomb’s repertoire to forks and spoons at first. Introduce the knife only after he has mastered the grapefruit spoon. Another alternative is to eliminate the knife entirely. Just know that in doing so you run the risk of being picketed by zombie-rights groups, who believe that denying zombies the right to a knife is denying them their essential humanity. Wearing headphones and drawing your shades should effectively drown out the protest, which typically last from five to thirteen days.

The Zombie Sex–Bacon Issue

I know you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, and I know you think you’re the only one it happens to. But trust me, you’re not a freak: 82 percent of women crave bacon after having sex with a zombie, according a recent study by the Zombo-Humalogical Intercourse Intercon Research Group. A postcoital BLT is as common as a cigarette.

The reason is simple—xylem sap. (And now you’re thinking, Xylem wha…? You, my friend, are so predictable!)

Xylem sap is the main ingredient in maple syrup, a staple when it comes to flavoring bacon.  Xylem sap is also a major component in the scent sanitizer with which you regularly dose your zombie. Thanks to the abscisic acid, which binds to the odor molecules in putrified flesh, your fetid honey smells as fresh as a forest on a brisk autumn morning. But when the abscisic acid in your zombie’s scent sanitizer interacts with the chemicals in his erectile-dysfunction medication, the compound takes on a sweet-smoky smell. The result: visions of sizzling bacon dance in your head.

Should you give in to the craving? That question is up to you. Each person is different and there’s no universal right or wrong. Many women consider bacon to be one of the best things on earth, and after a rigorous session with their sweetie, they’ve built up an appetite.

My one piece of advice: If you do succumb, go whole hog. Don’t waste your time, money or calories on turkey substitutes. You might be in a relationship with a rotting corpse, but you’re still too good for second best.

Zomba Zumba is here!

Hey, girl guides, does your workout need a shakeup? Have all your Downward Dogs become Downer Dogs? Your jumping jacks turned into jumping lacks? Pilates no more! A hot, new fitness craze is coming to a gym near you. Zomba Zumba is spreading faster than the H1Z1 virus itself.

And with good reason! This supercharged workout combines the cardio bennies of aerobics with the sleek-muscle-building addies of strength training. You get it all in one fun, energetic class.

“Let’s face it, zombies are total depressors,” says Zomba Zumba creator Olive Leandor, 23. “I mean, like, how can anyone keep their life energy up when zombies are around dropping limbs and losing eyeballs. They’re the second law of thermodynamics, like, right there in your face. Everything goes to crap, our bodies especially. Zombies are, like, a sneak peek of what happens when you turn 30.”

But zombies aren’t only decay; they’re inspiration, too—at least for Leander. “Watching my boyzomb lumber up the steps to my apartment, I realized rot creates resistance. And we all know resistance is core to maintaining your core. So I created Zomba Zumba to maximize, like, the zombie’s natural advantages.”

Not sure Zomba Zumba is right for you? Check out the deets!

What: A one-hour workout that incorporates a zombie’s natural resistance with hip-hop, soca, samba, salsa, guacamole, merengue, ferengi, mambo, ju jitsu, tae kwon do, cro-magnon, belly dancing and Civil War reenactment to torch calories and sculpt lean muscle

You’ll need: An open mind, a willing spirit and a 10- to 20-pound BodyRotLove BodySuit™ with enough FreshMeat refills for a month. (For maximum results, store at room temperature.) The biometric breakthrough of the BodyRotLove BodySuit is the more the FreshMeat decays, the heavier the suit gets. By Sunday, you’re working with twice the resistance as Monday. How’s that for upping the effort?!

How: Put on your BodyRot suit and show up for class. It’s that simple. (Be sure to don your suit after you get to the gym, as BodyLove Incorporated is not responsible for any accidents that may happen while wearing BodyLove gear or accessories.)

Who: Each Zomba Zumba class is led by a licensed instructor trained in dance, aerobics and meat processing.

Where: A gym near you

Next up: Zomba Zumba for Zombies. “Being dead is no excuse to let yourself go,” says Leandor of her ambitious plan to get zombies out on the workout floor. “People say things like, ‘Hello, they’re corpses. There’s no benefit to their working out.’ But, like, it’s the same with old people and we still encourage them to get up and move. Exercise helps everyone, even, like the people it doesn’t help.”

What are you waiting for?

Defusing the zomb Guam bomb

You arrive at a dinner party of an old college friend or a colleague from work. Your host greets you and your zombie date graciously at the door. She invites you in, and as she takes your coat, she runs through the basics: hors d’oeuvre on the coffee tables, drinks in the kitchen, zombies in the corner by the ficus. You look up and sure enough, six zombies are herded into the far corner of the living room behind a tall plant.

Welcome to zomb Guam.

A zombie-holding zone, or zomb Guam, as it’s more commonly known, is an area that’s put aside exclusively for zombies to keep them out of the way during a party or event. This practice, which is patently offensive to zombies and the women who date them, has been wholeheartedly condemned by the NAAZP. Nevertheless, many women, particularly those of the older generation, still think it’s perfectly fine to park zombies in a dark corner like they’re strollers.

If zomb Guam happens to you—and if you date a zombie for an appreciable amount of time, it will happen to you—don’t be shocked. Handle the situation with equanimity and give the zombaphobe a reason to blush. Here are four ways to keep your cool.

1. Speak up. Gently suggest to your host that you don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to deposit your date in the corner like an inanimate object. Smile so she knows you’re not judging her or her attitude.  It will be a little awkward because you’re a guest and you don’t want to make waves, but she’s your friend—she’ll understand your concern and respect your opinion.

2. Suggest an alternative. Most zombie zones are tiny. Wanting to concede as little space as possible to brain-munching interlopers, a host will typically cram six or seven zombies into an area large enough for three. Ask your host if the zombies could be relocated to a spare bedroom or a finished basement, any space that’s not currently in use. (Do not propose the room that’s being used to collect coats. It does not further the zombie cause to have a guest go home with skin slippage on her cashmere scarf.) Putting the zombies in a different room provides them with greater comfort while at the same time ensuring they remain separate. If she seems receptive, request that she bring in a  television for their entertainment.

3. Accept it. If you’ve made your case and your host is stubbornly committed to zomb Guam, let it be. After all, you are her guest and you have to respect her wants and wishes. Apologize quietly to your zombie date for the disrespectful treatment and visit him often in his pen. It’s unlikely a zombaphobe will have refreshments on hand for her zombie guests but give the kitchen a thorough once-over  just in case. If the cupboards are bare, check the mousetraps.

4. Plan better. Once you’ve been hit by a zomb Guam bomb, you learn to anticipate it.That’s good. It doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up. The next time you’re invited to a party, ask explicitly if your boyzomb is invited. If she says yes, confirm that he will have the run of the house and not be confined to a tiny zone. Once you know everything, you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to attend. Take heart: As more and more women date zombies, the old-fashioned anti-zombie attitude will become an artifact of the past, as will zomb Guam. Just give it some time.

The birthday double whammy: two gifts, one perfect package

Let the older generation lament the loss of mankind. Sure, there’s a lot to miss—your fella picking up the tab or fixing a leaky sink—but who pines for the wildly-off-the-mark birthday present, an annual feature of most healthy heterosexual relationships at the latter end of the twentieth century? You know what I’m talking about. One year your dad bought your mom sponges or a vacuum or a jeweled pin that looked like a fly that had been run over by a sixteen-wheeler. The next year, he gave up completely and had his admin pick something up. Worse, he had his admin send a dozen long-stemmed red roses—a lovely romantic gesture, but your mom’s favorite flowers are lilies, which he should have known.

But lucky you dates a zombies so you don’t have unrealistic expectations of the perfect gift. In fact, you have no expectations of a gift at all. Zombies can’t shop: Their fine motor skills are insufficiently developed to let them handle merchandise, let alone sign a credit card receipt. And even if they could read a price tag, they don’t have a clue what a birthday present is or why they should give you one. (Most times, they’re not even sure who you are. But that’s another post.)

This is great for you because it means you can buy your own gift—and you know exactly what you’d like. In the olden days, you had to drop mega-hints and hope for the best. Some women, having given up completely, would get the gift themselves, give it to their husband to wrap, then feign surprise upon opening it.

Zombies don’t play that game. Zombies don’t play any games, which is why they might just be the world’s best boyfriend.

Still not convinced? Here’s the bonus round: When it’s his birthday, you don’t have to stress over finding the perfect thing for him. Simply get him a box of Mrs. Yummikin’s Preseasoned Cat Brains. It’s what you would have given him for dinner anyway, so you know his rotted zombie soul will love it. Better than that, it’s the sort of practical gift his human self would have given you—an item you needed anyway topped with a pretty bow.

And there it is—two gifts in one! Vive le zombie romance.

Zombie sex misconception #6: Zombies can father zombie babies

Listen up, folks! The rumors about this one are rampant, despite a multimillion-dollar National Association for the Advancement of Zombie People public-awareness campaign, so I will be absolutely clear: Sex with a zombie will not result in a half-human, half-zombie baby.

Hold on. Let me repeat that for the women in the last row: SEX WITH A ZOMBIE WILL NOT RESULT IN A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-ZOMBIE BABY.

Sorry to get all crazy-loud-neighbor shouty on you, but this misconception is particularly persistent. But it’s patently not true. For one thing, it’s physically impossible for any creature to reproduce without the necessary biological matter of sperm. Zombie’s don’t have sperm. Their testicles do not function, which means they cannot produce little swimmers. Secondly, even if a zombie could produce viable sperm (which it can’t!), a human-zombie hybrid would be no more feasible than a goat-lion or dog-elephant hybrid. In order for a hybrid to survive, the animals must have similar genetic makeups.

The only way for a human female to reproduce is to have sex with a human male during her fertile period (good luck finding one at all, let alone at a vital moment!) or for her to be implanted with her own fertilized egg* at one of the 146 government-run sperm banks across the country.

That’s it. There are no other options for human reproduction.

Got it? Good. Because I don’t want to have to repeat myself again.

*Women wishing to reproduce must meet certain monetary and intellectual standards. See ProvisionalGovermentAuthorityReproductiveRules.gov for more info.

You’ve got male

Congratulations, girl guide! Despite the astronomical odds not in your favor, you’ve managed to track down and unmask an unzombified human male (UHM). He’s standing before you in all his be-jeweled, be-wigged, be-dressed and be-makeuped man glory. Now what do you do?

Rule #1 No sudden movements.

Blenders—UHMs who dress up as women to blend in with their surroundings—are easily spooked. They assume every woman is a heat-seeking missile waiting for the opportunity to home in on their pelvis and touch their groin.

Rule #2 Don’t touch his groin.

Yes, I know the novelty of a fully intact penis is a lure almost too irresistible to withstand but you must. Even though men divested themselves of all responsibility for society, legally, they still have the same inalienable right not to be touched by a stranger as you do. Unauthorized physical contact is considered harassment in most jurisdictions.

Rule #3 Go in for a good look.

Just because you can’t lay on hands doesn’t mean you can’t caress him with your eyes. Go on, lean in closely. The feel of your breath on his neck doesn’t count as assault. Check out his eyes, nose, face, stubble, jaw line, broad shoulders, anything that seems notable or particularly masculine.

Rule #4 Strike up a conversation.

It’s all right. You can ask him anything. What’s his life like? Does he ever get tired of being pampered and cosseted? How does he live with the fact that he’s a drain on society? What’s his favorite color? The vast majority of UHMs will not answer even the most harmless of questions because they fear engaging with the public. But you might get lucky and find one willing to chat. If so, buy him a latte. UHMs like when women buy them things. It makes them feel special.

Rule #5 Share the love.  

Don’t be shy about your discovery. Tell everyone you know about it. For many women, unzombified human males are more myth than reality, and seeing an actual man in a familiar environment can help affirm their existence. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And, no, his skin isn’t molted purple. Yet.) Snap a picture with your phone and send it to your friends and family with the caption: “Look what I found!” Even better, submit it to the New York Post‘s Man Candy Monday contest and win 100 bucks. An unzombified human male and mad money? Best. Day. Ever.

Male-watching basics

All right, girl guides! Now that you know where 96.4 percent of unzombified human males are (still not sure? See our color-coded breakdown), it's time to go out and find one.

Oh, yeah. Find one. These anthropological curiosities won't be around for long, so grab your binocs and hit the street before they disappear completely.  Here, everything you need to know to male-watch with the best of them.

Know what you're looking for.

Chances are, you've sat next to a UHM on the subway or stood behind one in line at the supermarket. You just didn't realize it because he was dressed exactly like you.  The vast majority of UHMs are blenders—men passing as women to blend in. Men blend for a variety of reasons: They're embarrassed by their own lack of productivity; they're ashamed of how they behaved when the plague first struck; they want to avoid a fuss.

The best way to identify a UHM is by his Adam's apple. A man can don a dress and a speak in a falsetto, but he has few options when it comes to hiding the projection in the front of the neck formed by the largest cartilage of the larynx. Be suspicious of any woman wearing a wool scarf in the middle of summer or indoors. A UHM will typically claim to be an opera singer keeping her vocal cords warm. To confirm, ask her to sing Der Hölle Rache from The Magic Flute. Most divas have the aria down pat and will happily show off their technical skill. Other suspicious characters? Clowns and scuba divers.

Know where to look.

When the daily grind of their total pampered existence takes on a minutely uncomfortable edge ("What's that pea doing under my mattress?"), UHMs like to come down from their penthouse suites and immerse themselves in the teeming humanity of everyday life. Their chosen spot to remind themselves of the hyped-up anxiety and rude discomfort of the true daily grind? Starbucks. But not just any Starbucks. UHMs prefer the ones with the tightest quarters, the better to be annoyed by their fellow patrons queuing impatiently for their macchiato lattes. For kicks, they will always mutter their name, then laugh at the barista's closest approximation.

Know how to look.

Finding a UHM requires three crucial things: good binoculars, an excellent bladder and a mildly engrossing book. Male watching is a full-day activity, so arrive early and grab a table with a clear view of the door. (Skip the counter; stools don't provide back support and you'll be facing away from the action.) Since you're settling in for the long haul, it's important to pace your purchases. A good rule of thumb is one drink every two hours. Go for small tea or regular coffee; fancier drinks will up your budget and calorie intake quickly. Keep your binoculars handy and don't be shy about using them. Other women won't mind the attention, and UHMs won't risk their cover by complaining. Hold steady. Male watching might seem like a wasted effort but if you persist, I guarantee you'll eventually see a human male. Which begs the question: What will you do when you find him?

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Welcome to the other side of the looking glass!

Today, for the first time ever, the Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies turns its steely gaze and keen intellect to the matter of—wait for it—men.

Yep, you read that right. In this one-time-only, three-part series, we discuss the other half of the species: that elusive creature known as the unzombified human male.

What is there to say about him? Frankly, not much. After the great H1Z1 outbreak of 2000, the UHM went into seclusion—in penthouse suites, castle courtyards and ski chalets—and never reemerged. Instead, he chose to avail himself of the many luxuries bestowed on his randomly immune Y chromosome.

In the first installment in our series, we address the eternal question, What do men do? Not surprisingly, they work in exclusive industries that, prior to the outbreak, were not available to the vast majority of them. Here, a breakdown of the zombified human male population by occupation. As you can see, none of them are manning the checkout counter at the local bodega.

WHERE THE BOYS ARE

Stat source: International Institute of Men's Studies

.

52.4 percent: movie star 

Post-plague, any man, regardless of looks or talent, can be a movie star; all it takes is immunity and a willingness to show up at the appointed hour.

19.6 percent: companion

For one hundred bucks a pop, a man will sell the simple pleasure of being in his company, and the pleasure stops there: For a Benny Franklin, all you get is the right to occupy the same space as a man and a keepsake photo; conversation is extra.

12.5 percent: sperm donor

 Unlike sperm donation centers of previous generations, current ones have no genetic or medical requirements. All donators are welcomed and provided with a generous living.

11.9 percent: pharmaceutical researcher

This is a fancy way of saying pampered guinea pig. To find a cure to the zombie plague, drug companies need unlimited access to the DNA of survivors, and those who are willing and able to provide it can have their every desire fulfilled.

3.6 percent: other

No hard data exists for this segment of UHMs, but the IRS speculates that they are the intimate friends of extremely successful women (read: companions with benefits).