Lynn Messina's Blog, page 3

Spa package: Take home the perfect zombie boyfriend

Zombies! They're still a dime a dozen, but you've yet to meet one that qualifies as boyfriend material. If all the zombies you know are too zombiacious, then our first two methods—culling the herd and hitting the slaughterhouse—probably aren't for you. You need something a little more sophisticated. Method 3 provides sophistication (as well as domestication!) in spades. But you have to be willing to put up with a little pampering. Think you can handle it? Great. Check in to the resort spa of love.

Method 3: Spending a day at the spa

Best suited for:

Women with no time to spare
Women who like luxury
Women who want a low-maintenance relationship
Women with large disposable incomes

What it entails: Spending a day at the spa is exactly what it sounds like: You check into a high-end spa in the morning and spend the day being coddled and pampered while the staff presents a series of zombies for your inspection based on a detailed questionnaire you filled in while getting a pedicure.

The advantages: The advantages to a spa zombie are almost impossible to calculate. A zombie from a spa is fully domesticated, which means you get a perfectly groomed specimen whose skin is soft and firm from daily elasticity treatments. He smells as fresh as a daisy and comes with a firmly established drug regimen. All spa zombies are vetted by the spa staff and are trained in comportment. They eat only the highest-quality brains and retain all their limbs and digits.

Biannual checkups are included in all spa packages, as is a month's supply of all creams, sprays and injections.

A spa zombie requires no effort on your part. You walk in single; you walk out with the perfect boyzomb.

The disadvantages: There only disadvantage to a spa zombie is expense. Prices start at $1,000 and increase incrementally depending on what services you require.

Conclusion: Going the spa route is a simple, high-end, luxurious, no-fuss way to meet a zombie—and what a zombie you'll meet! Busy career women with no time to spare will delight in the ease and splendor of the experience: They leave with softer, younger skin; perfectly manicured nails; and a boyzomb. Now, that's what you call one-stop shopping!

Zombie Dating Command is standing by!

Here at the Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies, we know it's never easy to sustain a healthy relationship. And just because your partner is a reanimated corpse with a rotted brain doesn't mean dating is suddenly  simple. Au contraire, my friend. If you thought men with fully functioning brains were uncommunicative , just wait until you try to get one with slushy gray matter to tell you how he really feels.

You'll be hard-pressed not to ugh, ergh and argh your head against a wall.

Hold steady! The experts at the Girls' Guide are here to help. We've spent years bungling our way through every awkward dating experience conceivable. Inconvenient smell? Check. Irate ex? Check. Missing cat suspected of being devoured by a poorly medicated zombie? Check. Lost eyeball in the soup? Check, check and check. (We challenge you to find a bowl of soup on the isle of Manhattan that one of our zombie dates' eyes hasn'tfallen into.)

And now we're making our extraordinary expertise available to you on a one-on-one basis, so you can get all our excellent zombie-dating advice tailored to your situation. We call our new, premium service Zombie Dating Command hotline because we have full command of your zombie-dating experience. To get started, simply fill out this form and email both to our command center centralized location (ZombieDatingCommand@gmail.com). What are you waiting for? Your perfect relationship is only a few clicks away.

1. I've been dating my boyzomb for

more than six months.
fewer than six months.
I've never had a boyzomb
What's a boyzomb?

2. I've had




 five or more boyzombs.
 three or four boyzombs
 one or two boyzombs.
 maybe one boyzomb—I'm not sure if we were dating or just hunting for squirrels together.




3. I believe a relationship should be


 satisfying all the time.
 satisfying most of the time.
 satisfying some of the time.
 never satisfying. What's the point of having a boyzomb if you can't complain about him?







4. My ideal boyzomb would


 be into me 24/7.
 notice important details like my cute new haircut.
 love watching chick flicks.
 None of the above. I have realistic expectations for my relationship.






5. I am


old enough to have dated a zombie.
old enough to have dated several zombies.
old enough to remember what it was like to date men.
old enough to consider this questionnaire completely absurd.






6. I would be interested in


getting an email reply from you (free).
having a one-on-one email chat ($9.99 for three email exchanges).
discussing my problem over the phone ($19.99 per each ten minutes).
the deluxe Zombie Dating Commando package ($299.99 for total access; email or call whenever you want—in the middle of the afternoon or the dead of night. We are here for you in your time of need!)






7. Yes, I'm totally interested in your book, The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies!


 Tell me where to get it now!
 Tell me where to get it a second ago!
 Tell me where to get it two weeks ago!
 Tell me and every person I've ever met where to get it! Here's my mailing list!

Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don’t have sex drives

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies’ hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for “flesh,” the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie’s hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn’t have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies’ affliction.

Zombie sex misconception #5: Zombies don't have sex drives

Although the zombie sex drive seems like a recent invention, it has in fact been present in every species of zombie since time immemorial. Zombies, despite their demonlike appetites, are members of the natural world, and every living thing in the natural world has a sex drive. We did not see evidence of it in the three previous zombie outbreaks—the plagues of 1867, 1910 and 1964—because it was overpowered by the zombies' hunger drive. The two drives coexist, but when the desire for flesh is stronger than the desire for "flesh," the latter appears not to exist at all.

By controlling the variant Y zombie's hunger drive, zombaceuticals have freed up his sex drive. So zombies want sex. A lot.

The desire for sex, however, is not always accompanied by the ability to have sex, and in this zombies need a little help. Based on the late-twentieth-century treatment model for erectile dysfunction, drugs like Zombiagra and Zombialis can create a sustained erection for approximately four hours.

Many critics point to the need for drugs as proof that zombies shouldn't have sex. But history refutes this theory. According to a 1998 study, 5 percent of forty-year-old human males and 15 to 25 percent of sixty-five-year-old human males were unable to—in the vernacular of the time—get it up. Finding a medical solution to their physical problem was hailed as breakthrough. No less can be said for the zombies' affliction.

Why do you think zombies make better boyfriends? Pick a reason. Send a postcard!

Here at The Girls' Guide to Dating Zombies, we're all about looking on the bright side of things. So what if the zombie apocalypse turned 99.9999 percent of human males into zombies?! Zombies aren't all bad. Below, our top 5 reasons zombies make better boyfriends. Pick your favorite and send it with a note ("And you thought John grunted a lot!") to your pals. Simply follow the Greeting Card link.

Reason #5 No quibbling over clothes! Your zombie boyfriend will let you dress him any way you want. His sense of style is your sense of style. Bow tie? Yes, please. Waistcoat? Double-breasted preferred. Bolero? Bring it on!

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Reason #4 Sociability! Your zombie boyfriend will get along great with all your friends. He'll never make an obnoxious comment about Sadie's pretentious dinner parties or Catherine's appallingly bad fake British accent.

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Reason #3 Shoe shopping! Your zombie boyfriend loves shopping for shoes and will cheerfully spend hours in a chair watching you try on pair after pair. Torn between the red pumps and the pink heels? Let your boyzomb decide! His taste is impeccable. Best of all: He won't notice price, let alone grunt with disapproval when those sexy slides set you back half a mortgage payment.

Reason #2 Total career support! Your zombie boyfriend won't feel threatened by your job or how much money you make—he doesn't even know what money is! Moreover, he won't complain if you cancel plans because you have to work late. He'll support your career 110 percent and will never require you to compromise it for the good of your relationship.

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Reason #1 Complete devotion! Your zombie boyfriend won't wince at the wordcommitment or leave you wondering if he'll call. Dating a zombie means no more mind games, no more sitting by the phone, no more will-he-or-won't-he conversations, no more ugly scenes at your cousin Judy's wedding, no more drama. Your days of obsessing over your boyfriend's every word and action are behind you. Rejoice!

Have your own reason why zombies make better boyfriends? Great! We'd love to hear it. Leave it in the comment box, and our illustrator will create an amazing image for it. Then we'll add it to the e-card options, so others can see it and send it to their friends.

What are you waiting for? Get sending!

Send a Greeting Card

Retrieving an E-Card?Enter Card Pick-up ID below:

Get your Free E-cards

by bravenet.com

Maggot infestations. Bursting body cavities. Bad breath. Andy Warner tells his fellow zombies to clean up their act if they want a second date.

If it sometimes feels like you're doing all the work in your zombie relationship, take heart. Not all undead are willing to coast on their corpse-y charm. Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers, by S.G. Browne, reminds his follow zombies that appearance is important—just because you're dead is no reason to let yourself go. Read this to-do list to your zombie boyfriend. If he doesn't eat the paper, then he might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.

I'm Andy Warner, the protagonist and hero of the dark romantic zombie comedy Breathers, written by S.G. Browne, here to give a few helpful dating tips to my fellow zombies. Or as we refer to ourselves in therapy: the living-challenged.

When you're a gradually decomposing reanimated corpse, you have to expect to deal with certain challenges—like the smell of hydrogen sulfide and the oozing of intestinal juices and the occasional skin slip. It's just part of being a zombie. But there are a few things you can do to improve your general hygiene that will help to keep your date from gagging or dry-heaving before the appetizers arrive.

1. Rather than relying on deodorants or neutralizing fragrances to mask the odor of decomposing flesh, I suggest soaking in a Pine-Sol bath. It penetrates the skin and lasts longer and will do wonders for your self-confidence.

2. If you have zombie breath, which, admittedly, most zombies do, try gargling with Lysol disinfectant. Simple Green is good, too. And it tastes minty fresh. Either one works. And they're both wonderful at preventing pesky maggot infestations.

3. Spontaneous dismemberment happens. While there's nothing you can do to prevent it, how you deal with it can make or break an evening. So rather than getting upset that your ear has fallen off and landed in your soup, make a joke about it. Women love a sense of humor.

4. Finally, even if you get regular formaldehyde fixes, at some point it's likely that one of your main body cavities is going to burst open. So a good rule of thumb is to wear Depends. This can help you to avoid an otherwise embarrassing situation and improve your chances of scoring a second date.

If you take the time to take care of yourself, you'll eventually find that special someone who appreciates you for who you are. So I hope these dating hints are helpful to all of my living-challenged friends out there.

One final word of advice for any Breathers who might be reading this: When you're out on a date with a zombie, much the same way it's polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mustard on the corner of their mouth, it's always proper etiquette to let a zombie know if his nose is sliding off his face.

S.G. Browne is the author of Breathers and  Fated, an irreverent comedy about fate, destiny, and the consequences of getting involved in the lives of humans. His new book, Lucky Bastard, drops on April 17.

First zombie date jitters? Dating coach Evan Marc Katz talks you down with these smart, simple pointers.

Evan Marc Katz provides pointers for the perfect first date with a zombie.

So you've finally decided you've had enough of Wall Street alpha males. Good for you! But you're still not sure you want to date a zombie. That's understandable. Millions of women share your concerns. Dating expert and media commentator Evan Marc Katz thinks you should keep an open mind. Here, he makes a case for dating the undead and provides pointers for a memorable first date.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, you can only imagine the number of requests I get for tips on how to better connect with zombies. Today's working girl doesn't need some Wall Street alpha male who is too busy climbing the corporate ladder to appreciate that she changed her hair color or needs a spa weekend to detox. Zombie men are among the most open, least judgmental and appreciative dudes on the entire planet.

So if you want to connect with that cute zombie in the next cubicle, here are 3 tips that are sure to make him grunt with delight on your next Z-date.

1. You know how normal guys like to hear themselves talk? Not zombies! So if you generally try to connect with men by being a really great listener as they prattle on about their golf games or college hijinks, stop. Zombies are all about YOU and will keep lumbering and lurching forward as long as you're doing the talking. Make sure you tell them about your funny girlfriends and your everyday workout routine. Unlike regular guys, they LOVE that!

2. Despite their penchant to be traditional and conservative, most zombies simply will NOT pay for the first date. Some say it's because they're unsure about the ever-changing dynamic between men and women, and some say it's because they simply don't have wallets, but either way, make sure you bring a little extra cash when dining out with the undead.

3. Most importantly, just be yourself! Zombies can sniff out a Nervous Nellie as quickly as they can detect the scent of a nearby severed head. So relax. Have an extra cosmo. Try not to recoil at the pungent scent of rotting flesh, freak out when he loses a hand in his lobster bisque or scream when he attacks the sommelier. You do want there to be a second date, don't you?

To be sure, zombies aren't for everyone. But for the young, upwardly mobile woman who prefers the strong, silent type to today's sensitive Peter Pans who cry when they can't sell their Bright Eyes–inspired acoustic music, you're in luck. A date with a zombie isn't only a thrill a minute, but it's likely the last first date you'll ever go on. Have fun!

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach for strong, smart, successful women and the author of Why He Disappeared. He has appeared on the Today show, The Early Show and The Rachel Ray Show, among other programs. Read his blog at EvanMarcKatz.com, watch his videos on YouTube and follow him on Twitter @evanmarckatz.

Zombie boyfriend away and you wanna play? Anka Radakovich has your sex toys.

Sexpert Anka Radakovich discusses zombie sex toys.

If your zombie boyfriend is away on business—lumbering after deer on Fire Island, say, with several of his closest undead buddies—or off his meds, you might need a backup plan to take care of your…needs. Never fear. Anka Radakovich, world-famous sex columnist and writer for British GQ, has emergency provisions that will keep you satisfied. 

The perfect sex toys for zombies and the people who date them have arrived!

From its Freaks collection, the Fleshlight Company offers his 'n' her sex toys for nights of "necro-feel-ya." The nasty-looking gray  Zombie Dildo is for the ladies, and the Zombie Fleshlight is the favorite sex toy of zombie males. The fake vagina-in-a-can will suck the life out of him.

The company claims their "cock of the living dead" is made with "the highest-quality, platinum-cured silicone." The zombie dick is great as a gift to yourself when your zombie is out of town, or to use in case your zombie can't get it up.

According to Fleshlight, "The zombie wants your brains and the only way to get them is to f**k them out of you!" Dead or alive, the Fleshlight zombie dong has a constant erection.

Columnist, author and screenwriter, Anka Radakovich defined the modern-day sex column with her wildly popular column for Details magazine, which she wrote for nine years. Her hilarious take on sex, dating and relationships, created a devoted following. Currently, she writes a column for British GQ and is finishing her third book. Follow her on twitter @ankarad.

It's all fun and games until someone gets eaten

Don't be lunch! Ashby has tips for a safe and healthy zombie relationship.

Worried that the besotted look in your zombie boyfriend's eye is just hunger? Don't panic. Amanda Ashby, official leader of Team Zombie and author of Zombie Queen of Newbury High, has your be-as-close-as-two-peas-in-a-pod-without-being-dinner plan right here. Follow her advice to getting devoured the right way!

Do you remember what it's like the first time the cute guy at the coffee shop smiles at you and your stomach goes all flippy? Then you go on date and he does that adorable thing with his eyes and listens to you talk all night, only stopping every now and then to be witty and amusing, and when you tell your girlfriends about it afterward they swear that you are making up since no guy could be like that. And then you get to give them the smug smile because turns out that your guy is like that.

And by the third date you realize just how perfect his hair is (perhaps even more perfect than Zac Efron's perfect hair) and you start to imagine what it would be like to live with him. But by the fourth date things start to change. Suddenly, instead of looking lovingly into your eyes, he's sniffing your arm and picking up the ketchup bottle. Or you catch him having more than a nibble of your ear and too late you realize that Mr. Perfect isn't actually looking for a relationship, he's just looking for lunch.

Well, fear not because while it is virtually impossible to retrain any male (dead or alive) to put the forks in the correct drawer or hang up a wet towel after they've used it, it is in fact completely possible to retrain your zombie boyfriend to stop looking at you like you're a double cheeseburger. Now, I'm not saying that it will be easy and there are times when you might reconsider dating Mike-the-guy-who-sneezed-every-two-minutes-for-three-hours-straight, but if you follow this process through to the end, I can guarantee that soon the only thing your new zombie boyfriend will be smelling is the perfume that he bought you on that romantic trip to Paris.

So what is the secret to turning your zombie guy around?

Simple. You need to make yourself look about as appetizing as a soggy plate of cabbage. You see, right now you're dressing up and pulling out all the stops, which is the zombie equivalent of three Michelin stars. I mean literally all that has been missing from your dates is you climbing up onto the table and sitting on a plate. However, if you try the gym-hair, no makeup and the ugly dress that your aunt gave you for Christmas last year, your zombie guy will no longer be distracted by all the trimmings and soon he will be able to sit through an entire conversation without trying to imagine you covered in cheese.

Some women have even found that over time they can start reintroducing basic items back into their lives, like mascara and lip gloss (though please, nothing that smells because otherwise you are back to square one). So I hope that if you're having zombie problems you will consider this method to help create the future that you and your brain-munching dead guy have always wanted to have.***

*Please be advised that the author of this article is in no way responsible for anyone who does accidentally get eaten while attempting to retrain their zombie boyfriend.

**And that if you do happen to get eaten and are therefore not dating your zombie boyfriend anymore, could you please pass me his number because they're not lying when they say that there are no decent guys out there anymore.

***Again, very, very sorry if this article has lead to your being consumed by a zombie. Really not my intention at all.

Amanda Ashby has a degree in English and Journalism from the University of Queensland and is married with two children. Her debut book, You Had Me at Halo, was nominated for a Romantic Times Reviewer's Choice award, and her first young adult book, Zombie Queen of Newbury High, was listed by the New York Public Library's Stuff for the Teen Age 2010. Her latest release, Fairy Bad Day, has been selected by Voya as one of their Top Shelf Fiction for Middle School Readers 2012.

Want a zombilicious Valentine's Day? Rachel Federoff, star of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker, has all your dos, don'ts and don't-stops!

Matchmaker and TV star Rachel Federoff dispenses zombie-dating advice.

If Valentine's day with a human male stresses you out, then welcome to the wonderful, anxiety-ridden world of zombie dating! You don't know where to go. You don't know what to do. You haven't a clue what to wear. Take a deep breath and read  Rachel Federoff"s romantic-zombie-date survival guide. She's the VP of Matching for the Millionaire's Club, so she knows a thing or two about setting the right mood. Here, her tips for having the most zombtactular Valentine's Day ever!

Girls, as a matchmaker I've noticed a trend in our men acting like, well, to put it bluntly, zombies. So I've been brushing up on these brain-eating, grunting, flesh-tearing, slow-moving creatures, and if you're going to date one, you best do it right. I have the perfect tips for a perfect Valentine's Day with your putrid and hunky zombie fellow.

Dress to impress and avoid a mess: Time to break out that little black SILK dress because you want him to put down the brains and take notice how smoking hot you look. Why silk? Well, let's just say this dinner date won't be a clean one and better to have the blood and brain bits slip and slide right off than spend hundreds at the dry cleaners from suede or linen.

The 2-drink maximum overdrive: On your mark, get set, drive! Girls, your zombie has the coordination of Lindsay Lohan on a good day. So stay sober, as you are the designated driver for this romantic date. Let's face it—he's killed enough, and drinking and driving isn't an option.

Light his fire, not the house: Girls, if you are planning the date and have set up a nice, romantic dinner at home of Brains Parmesan à la candlelight, here's a tip—ditch the candles! Zombies, well, being brainless, have no concept of fire and therefore will end up burning themselves, you, and the whole neighborhood! Try a nice setup of multicolored glow sticks: Zombies look great when they glow!

Stop and smell the roses: Everyone knows that flowers are a huge hit on Valentine's Day, and roses, with their glorious scent, are the perfect thing for masking your zombie's unfortunate perfume of Eau de Rotting Flesh. Take the rose petals and toss them in the car, the house, his body.  Get Hansel and Gretel and trail them everywhere you both go for a wonderful-smelling evening of romance.

Get packing: Now, normally I say single girls should not travel in packs. However, when it comes to caching that oh-so-gore-tastic zombie guy, going out with a girl posse is key. Zombies always travel in herds so best bring your own so you can share with the rest of the class. Just make sure you make eye contact and give him the five-second flirt. If he grunts at you and comes charging, he's a keeper!

Girls, make sure to follow these tips and you're sure to have the most romantic, safe and stress-free Valentine's Day ever. Zombies can be romantic, too. They just need a little nudge every now and then!

Rachel, who has a background in booking and casting, is the VP of Matching and Director of Registration for Millionaire's Club. As Director of Registration, she holds the "keys" to the club—permitting in those that follow the Club's strict guidelines.  As VP of Matching, she is the CEO's right hand in finding love for the company's clients. Watch Rachel on Bravo's hit television show The Millionaire Matchmaker, read her blog at SinHalo.com, and follow her @rachelfederoff.