Laura Roberts's Blog, page 15
April 2, 2019
April Foolishness: Baked Alaska
“Wait, isn’t this supposed to be deep-fried ice cream?” Gina asks the waiter, pondering the sky-high dessert before her. It’s a billowy cloud of meringue, fashioned into cruel-looking spikes in places, with a toasted marshmallow hue here and there.
“It’s Baked Alaska, you nincompoop!” the French chef in spotless whites shouts from the kitchen. Not only is he a culinary genius, but he can detect criticism from a mile away. He shakes his fist at Gina, and mutters something about ignorant tourists under his breath.
“Mademoiselle, Baked Alaska is cake and ice cream covered with meringue, which is toasted in an oven,” the waiter says. He plasters a tight smile on his thin lips, and tries desperately not to roll his eyes. Where do they dig up these Americanos?
“We use the torch!” the chef screams from the kitchen. He appears to be pulling chunks of his hair from his skull in frustration.
Gina nods, silently worrying that the chef is going to have a heart attack if she asks any additional questions.
“Café?” the waiter inquires.
“Oui, merci,” Gina says. Finally, something they can all agree on.
The waiter disappears to fetch her an espresso, and Gina takes up a knife, ready to slice into the mound before her. She briefly wonders whether she’s supposed to crack the shell first, like a crème brûlée, but goes with her instincts. She plunges the knife into the top of the peak, and cuts stealthily like a downhill skier intent on Olympic gold.
The meringue gives easily, and she repeats the motion a second time, removing a thin slice and placing it onto her dessert plate.
A nearby diner pauses to ooh la la! at the sight of the rainbow revealed by Gina’s slice. She grins involuntarily, as if they have complimented her, though she knows that if anything, they are only paying their respects to the palpitating chef.
“Un café, mademoiselle!” The waiter returns, brandishing a tiny cup of coffee. He sets it onto the table with a flourish, and Gina nods her thanks. She is still transfixed by the dessert she’s about to sample.
The cake and ice cream layers within the pristine meringue form a bold springtime pattern. Orange, yellow, green, blue, violet. She wonders whether they represent particular flavors, or have merely been dyed with food coloring.
“Cognac? Anisette?” the waiter asks, holding up two liquor bottles.
“Cognac, s’il vous plaît,” Gina murmurs. She is still entranced by the Baked Alaska’s interior, and is tempted to snap a photo for her Instagram feed. She knows this is considered poor taste, but then again, is it really a breach of manners to photograph such a beautiful dessert as a tourist, when seated at a café in the tourist district of Paris?
She resists the temptation, having already been chastised by the chef. One too many faux pas and she might be ejected from the country altogether.
Gina readies her fork, aiming it toward the bright orange stripe, taste buds intrigued.
She cuts a slice of the exquisite dessert, brings the morsel to her lips, and slips it into her mouth.
The taste is like nothing she’s ever experienced, and her senses are awash with the color and flavor orange.
She closes her eyes and savors the sensation, knowing this is a once in a lifetime trip.
Photo credit (and accompanying recipe!): BBC
Don’t miss a single story!
Follow along with my April Foolishness series of stories (in alphabetical order, of course) by checking here for previous posts, or sign up for my mailing list to get an entire week’s worth of stories sent to you all in one weekly update.
The post April Foolishness: Baked Alaska appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
Baked Alaska
“Wait, isn’t this supposed to be deep-fried ice cream?” Gina asks the waiter, pondering the sky-high dessert before her. It’s a billowy cloud of meringue, fashioned into cruel-looking spikes in places, with a toasted marshmallow hue here and there.
“It’s Baked Alaska, you nincompoop!” the French chef in spotless whites shouts from the kitchen. Not only is he a culinary genius, but he can detect criticism from a mile away. He shakes his fist at Gina, and mutters something about ignorant tourists under his breath.
“Mademoiselle, Baked Alaska is cake and ice cream covered with meringue, which is toasted in an oven,” the waiter says. He plasters a tight smile on his thin lips, and tries desperately not to roll his eyes. Where do they dig up these Americanos?
“We use the torch!” the chef screams from the kitchen. He appears to be pulling chunks of his hair from his skull in frustration.
Gina nods, silently worrying that the chef is going to have a heart attack if she asks any additional questions.
“Café?” the waiter inquires.
“Oui, merci,” Gina says. Finally, something they can all agree on.
The waiter disappears to fetch her an espresso, and Gina takes up a knife, ready to slice into the mound before her. She briefly wonders whether she’s supposed to crack the shell first, like a crème brûlée, but goes with her instincts. She plunges the knife into the top of the peak, and cuts stealthily like a downhill skier intent on Olympic gold.
The meringue gives easily, and she repeats the motion a second time, removing a thin slice and placing it onto her dessert plate.
A nearby diner pauses to ooh la la! at the sight of the rainbow revealed by Gina’s slice. She grins involuntarily, as if they have complimented her, though she knows that if anything, they are only paying their respects to the palpitating chef.
“Un café, mademoiselle!” The waiter returns, brandishing a tiny cup of coffee. He sets it onto the table with a flourish, and Gina nods her thanks. She is still transfixed by the dessert she’s about to sample.
The cake and ice cream layers within the pristine meringue form a bold springtime pattern. Orange, yellow, green, blue, violet. She wonders whether they represent particular flavors, or have merely been dyed with food coloring.
“Cognac? Anisette?” the waiter asks, holding up two liquor bottles.
“Cognac, s’il vous plaît,” Gina murmurs. She is still entranced by the Baked Alaska’s interior, and is tempted to snap a photo for her Instagram feed. She knows this is considered poor taste, but then again, is it really a breach of manners to photograph such a beautiful dessert as a tourist, when seated at a café in the tourist district of Paris?
She resists the temptation, having already been chastised by the chef. One too many faux pas and she might be ejected from the country altogether.
Gina readies her fork, aiming it toward the bright orange stripe, taste buds intrigued.
She cuts a slice of the exquisite dessert, brings the morsel to her lips, and slips it into her mouth.
The taste is like nothing she’s ever experienced, and her senses are awash with the color and flavor orange.
She closes her eyes and savors the sensation, knowing this is a once in a lifetime trip.
Photo credit (and accompanying recipe!): BBC
The post Baked Alaska appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
April 1, 2019
April Foolishness: A Life Less Ordinary
The postcard arrived on a Thursday. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Just another Thursday, like the one before it, and the one before that. An endless chain of dreary days, signifying nothing.
At least that was how Private Felstein thought of it. What more could there be? Here he was, stuck opening the General’s mail, while everyone else was out getting some action.
Never mind the fact that “action” usually meant “death or dismemberment” – where death was preferable.
Never mind the fact that most of the boys out getting action would have killed (or at least maimed) Private Felstein in order to be stuck with his “boring” job, safe in the bunker.
We never know just how good we’ve got it, until we lose it all.
Private Felstein was about to lose everything, though he didn’t know it yet. And this postcard was just the beginning of his troubles.
In bright green lettering, it read:
GREEN MEANS GO.
“What in the blue blazes is that supposed to mean?” he wondered aloud.
On closer inspection, the postcard was addressed to him – not the General.
“But no one knows I’m here,” he whispered.
He flipped the card over. It was a picture of a sandy beach, with two palm trees supporting a hammock. There was even a tropical drink sitting on a table. It was a scene straight out of Private Felstein’s daydreams.
Across the top of the card was a banner that said “Beautiful Bora Bora!”
His mission was obvious. But who had sent for him? And why?
Don’t miss a single story!
Follow along with my April Foolishness series of stories (in alphabetical order, of course) by checking here for previous posts, or sign up for my mailing list to get an entire week’s worth of stories sent to you all in one weekly update.
The post April Foolishness: A Life Less Ordinary appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
A Life Less Ordinary
The postcard arrived on a Thursday. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Just another Thursday, like the one before it, and the one before that. An endless chain of dreary days, signifying nothing.
At least that was how Private Felstein thought of it. What more could there be? Here he was, stuck opening the General’s mail, while everyone else was out getting some action.
Never mind the fact that “action” usually meant “death or dismemberment” – where death was preferable.
Never mind the fact that most of the boys out getting action would have killed (or at least maimed) Private Felstein in order to be stuck with his “boring” job, safe in the bunker.
We never know just how good we’ve got it, until we lose it all.
Private Felstein was about to lose everything, though he didn’t know it yet. And this postcard was just the beginning of his troubles.
In bright green lettering, it read:
GREEN MEANS GO.
“What in the blue blazes is that supposed to mean?” he wondered aloud.
On closer inspection, the postcard was addressed to him – not the General.
“But no one knows I’m here,” he whispered.
He flipped the card over. It was a picture of a sandy beach, with two palm trees supporting a hammock. There was even a tropical drink sitting on a table. It was a scene straight out of Private Felstein’s daydreams.
Across the top of the card was a banner that said “Beautiful Bora Bora!”
His mission was obvious. But who had sent for him? And why?
The post A Life Less Ordinary appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
March 31, 2019
Results of the March Buttontapper Challenge
This month I challenged myself to submit a piece of short fiction to at least one outlet every day. Some days I submitted to more than one outlet, but even on days that I’ve felt low, I’m happy to report that I haven’t missed a single day!
Here is the full list of publications that I’ve sent stories to this month:
Barely South ReviewLittle Patuxent Review Cheat River Review MOJO ROOM The SpectacleJet Fuel Review Southword Book XI: A Journal of Literary Philosophy American Chordata Hot Metal Bridge Gordon Square Review Levee Lumina Fiction Contest The Fifth Plinth Gasher Salt Hill Journal Panoplyzine Atlas & Alice Saint Katherine Review Meow Meow Pow Pow Mutiny! SmokeLong Quarterly (4) Flash Fiction Magazine Threepenny Review (8) Minola Review The Penn Review The People’s Preservatory Delmarva Review The Canopy Review Barnhouse Minnesota Review The William & Mary Review Bridge Eight Journal of Compressed Creative Arts (5) The Tangerine The Moth The Dublin Review Crannóg Banshee Matador Review Planet Cream City Review Puerto del Sol Bad Nudes Translunar Travelers Lounge Ghost Proposal Hot Flash Fiction Anastamos Blue Moon Whiskey Island Okay Donkey Quarter After Eight Bending Genres Pithead Chapel Alban Lake Publishing (Drabble contest) The Finger Oxford Magazine Gutter Canthius Raconteur Harpur Palate Adelaide Lunch Ticket A Public Space Connotation Press Prime Number Magazine (Press 53) Otis NebulaGold Man ReviewOyster River PagesThe HungerBrilliant Flash FictionStorm CellarThe SunThe MacGuffinNinth Letter (Web edition)Winter TangerineObra/ArtifactPiece MagazineThird Point PressTin House OnlineApeiron ReviewNotre Dame Review
Submission Stats
As of 3 PM today, I’ve received 35 rejections this month, from 20 different publications, and I’ve withdrawn 1 submission.
I have also racked up one acceptance! It was from a new publication called Dirty Girls Magazine, which I highly encourage you to check out. (They are a paying market, and offer $10 upon acceptance.)
I’m still waiting on payment from an erotica outlet that accepted a piece from me back in January. This is a little frustrating because I have asked about their publication schedule several times, and so far they haven’t given me any clue as to when I might expect my piece to be published. This is also frustrating because they only pay upon publication, and since I don’t have any idea when that might be I’ve been waiting until I find out how long it takes for them to publish and pay for a story before I send them any more. (They are also a new market, and only publish to an app – which requires a subscription to read the stories, and they don’t give subscriptions to their authors as part of their payment – which is another issue.)
The total number of submissions I’ve sent out so far this year is 150!
I am still waiting to hear back about submissions I sent in January, so my longest wait time (as of 3/31) is 87 days and counting.
I actually sent out 12 submissions on January 3rd, and only half of those journals have responded, so there are 6 still in my queue at the 87 day mark.
The longest it has taken me to receive a response so far this year has been 87 days.
The shortest time it has taken to receive a response is just 1 day. I’m still torn on whether or not receiving a rejection note this quickly is really a good thing, but at least you know where you stand, right?
I have had 11 different stories rejected by the same journal so far this year, with 8 of those rejections occurring in the month of March alone. I don’t know if I will ever get an acceptance from this particular journal, but I’m going to keep trying.
This brings up an interesting question: Is there such a thing as submitting TOO MUCH? Specifically, to the same publication? I always figure that if they’re sick of seeing my name in their inbox, they will let me know – in no uncertain terms – that I need to lay off the submissions for a while. (Indeed, one of the journals I sent a few pieces to did this in a subtle way, removing the “feel free to submit again” lines from their form rejection letter.) If they don’t mention something like “if rejected, please wait X many days/weeks/months before trying again,” I usually assume I am free to submit as much work as I like (following the typical guidelines that indicate “only submit one piece at a time, and wait until you hear back from us before submitting another”) until their submissions window closes. But is there some kind of unwritten rule about this kind of thing?
I guess this is just one of the many mysteries of submitting short stories for publication. Especially flash fiction, which can be read and rejected in a few minutes.
Tracking Submissions
I have a few different ways that I’ve been tracking my submissions. This may sound like overkill, but I like to keep my own records because I noticed there’s at least one journal I submit to that doesn’t use Submittable, and doesn’t include the name of the story you submitted anywhere in their form rejection letters, which makes it really hard to keep track of what you sent them!
So, here’s my method:
Submit story.Add the name of the story you submitted, the name of the market, and the date you sent it to your Google Sheet.Add your submission to the Submission Grinder (if the market is listed there; some aren’t), to keep track of various stats.Add your submission to your paper log (I’m keeping a binder full of items related to my writing work, and have a section dedicated to submissions) so you can flip through and see what you sent to whom and when.Wait until you hear back from these outlets, and record your acceptance or rejection on each tracker.
Like I said, it’s probably overkill, but there’s a method to my madness. I was going to just record everything in my paper log, because it feels like an accomplishment logging everything by hand, but it’s so much easier to view everything in a Google Sheet in case I want to sort by submissions instead of markets or dates sent. I was going to rely on the Submission Grinder, because it’s free and they offer stats for how long your submissions have been out as compared to other writers tracking their pieces within the system, but they don’t list all the markets I’ve submitted to, so some pieces would still be going untracked. So this mix of three different systems seems to get the job done.
In Conclusion…
That was my month-long experiment in sending out short fiction to various literary journals, with a goal of one submission per day. While I do plan to keep on submitting pieces throughout the rest of the year, I’m not sure whether I will stick to the same pace of “a submission per day.” Instead, I might experiment with designating certain days of the week as my “submission days,” so I can batch tasks together, which seems a bit more efficient, especially when it comes to finding and researching new markets. Although it’s great that submissions have gone digital (no more trips to the post office, nor paying for stamps!), writers do still have to do their homework: going through individual markets’ submission guidelines, studying some of their previously published pieces in order to decide which of their own stories might be a good match, formatting pieces to the stated guidelines, and adding in any additional info that market requests before finally hitting “send.”
If you’re sending out pieces for publication, too, play along with the hashtag #SubmitYourWork on Twitter or Instagram!
The post Results of the March Buttontapper Challenge appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
March 18, 2019
A to Z Challenge: 2019 Theme Reveal!
It’s that time of the year again: the annual Blogging from A to Z April Challenge theme reveal.
Last year I wrote a series of posts on the topic of Online Dating from A to Z, which I am still planning on turning into a book.
[image error]My 2018 theme: Online Dating from A to Z
This year I’ve been thinking about a series of linked stories I started back in 2016. Since I had quite a few written, but never finished the full storyline, I’ve decided to start posting them on my blog in April. There will be one for each letter of the alphabet, so you’ll get to read a new flash fiction piece every day.
Although the original title for those pieces was “Mayday” (as I wrote them during the month of May), I’m recasting them as “April Foolishness.” The stories themselves are slightly off the wall, and follow a cast of characters involved in murder, mayhem and assorted crimes. I’d rate them somewhere between PG-13 and R, in terms of language and violence, but I aim not to be totally gratuitous and certainly shy away from anything too gory.
[image error]2019 Theme: April Foolishness!
Hopefully that hasn’t scared you off! But in case that doesn’t sound like quite your cup of tea, I’ll also be presenting the ABCs of Sacramento on my new blog, Exploring Sacramento. I moved to California’s state capital last summer, so I’m eager to share some of the sights from my new hometown with you. Those posts will all be rated G (or “E for Everybody!”), with no cursing or naughtiness (except, possibly, for the letter X, which often proves X-rated despite my best efforts).
[image error]2019 Encore Presentation: Sacramento from A to Z!
Whichever journey you choose to follow, don’t forget to sign up for my mailing list to get weekly reminders about new posts AND a free book!
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March 6, 2019
Rom-Com Roundup: The Greatest Rom-Com of All Time
There can be only one.
And, clearly, the Best Rom-Com of All Time is…
The Princess Bride .
As the kids on Twitter say, don’t @ me.
Or, as a fellow writer pal has said, there’s a shortage of perfect movies in this world. This one just works.
If you hate The Princess Bride, then clearly you hate both romance AND comedy. And you just don’t get life, the universe, or ANYTHING.
How can you hate a movie that’s got it all? Swashbuckling swordplay, pirates, giants, spicy Sicilians ready to outwit you in a game of life and death, poison, murder, return from the dead, miracles, true love!
And I haven’t even mentioned the six-fingered man, the cowardly prince, the Miracle Worker, or the Pit of Despair yet!
Let’s get right into it.
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COMEDY RATING: 5 out of 5 LOLs. 
March 3, 2019
Buttontapper Read An Ebook Week Sale begins today
In partnership with Smashwords, Buttontapper Press is celebrating Read An Ebook Week with a huge sale. Some of our best-selling titles will be available at 50% off, starting today!
The sale runs from March 3 to 9, so you’ll have plenty of time to stock up on ebook titles to educate, entertain and titillate with titles like:
Everything I Need To Know About Love I Learned from Pop Songs,Sexy Haiku,Naked Montreal, parts 1 ( Sex and the Underground City ) and 2 ( Porn Stars and Peccadillos ),Haiku for Lovers,The Vixen Files,All of our Quickies , and How to Suck Better
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You can also grab a FREE copy of The Portable Laura Roberts any time.
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To purchase one or more of our books, please use the links above – and don’t forget to use the coupon code EBW50 at checkout to receive your discount.
Happy Read An Ebook Week from Buttontapper Press!
The post Buttontapper Read An Ebook Week Sale begins today appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
March 1, 2019
Legitimately good erotica: Introducing Laure L’Amour
Yesterday Cosmopolitan decided to publish a very poorly researched list of “legitimately good erotic novels,” which inexplicably includes both Lolita and Judy Blume’s Forever. I can only assume these “classics” slipped past the editor because although everybody thinks that E.L. James invented erotica, it’s actually a thriving part of the romance genre that’s been around forever.
As someone who has read the book several times AND devoted an entire issue of her literary magazine to paying it homage, I am here to tell you that Lolita is decidedly NOT an erotic novel, despite its prurient content.
[image error]The “Lolita Issue” of Black Heart Magazine, on the other hand, is FULL OF EROTIC CONTENT.
To help set the record straight, I was inspired to set up a new Patreon page for my sultry alter ego, Laure L’Amour, who is writing high-quality smut for readers willing to pay.
Like a modern-day Anaïs Nin, Laure L’Amour trades words for cash, and has worked up quite a body of work in this genre. As such, we figured it’s high time that she does what she does best: (1) answer probing questions about sex (and anything else that comes to mind), and (2) write more smut for an eager audience.
To that end, Laure’s tiers include perks like answering naughty questions (the Curious Cat patrons will get to ask up to 3 questions per month, depending on how much they’re willing to pledge), as well as creating sexy new content for patrons of the boudoir arts (Quickie Creators and Double Trouble level patrons will receive one or two new stories, respectively, on a monthly basis). And, for the truly adventurous and well-endowed patron, there’s the Girlfriend Experience where one lucky reader will get to direct her characters in the bedroom as she writes them a one-of-a-kind erotic novella based on their preferences and proclivities.
I suspect most of Laure’s would-be readers will be interested in slipping past the velvet ropes at the $1 a month level, and we certainly won’t neglect these lucky guys and gals, since every dollar tucked into her G-string counts! Everyone who pledges at least one dollar a month will receive a coupon for a free copy of one of Laure’s Quickies – short erotic stories, available in my Smashwords store.
If you’re interested in learning more about becoming one of Laure’s patrons, click on over to her Patreon page for full details and make your monthly pledge now.
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The post Legitimately good erotica: Introducing Laure L’Amour appeared first on Buttontapper Press.
February 20, 2019
Let’s talk rom-coms!
When you think of romantic comedies (or rom-coms), what comes to mind?
>> Romance? Check
>> Comedy? Check.
>> Criticism? But of course!
Now, what makes a romantic comedy either romantic or comedic?
That is a question that rarely seems to be answered, though many critics do criticize rom-coms on both scales. To me, the definition of “romantic comedy” is simple: it’s a romantic movie that is also comedic, whether that’s laugh-out-loud funny, employs dark humor, or even acts as a parody or satirical take on romance. To broaden that definition slightly, I’d also say that rom-coms are typically the story of a boy meeting a girl (or vice-versa) and falling in love, going through a series of misadventures, mistaken identity or other lighthearted struggles, before finally ending up together, either Happily Ever After (HEA) or Happy For Now (HFN).
Of course, this is not to say there aren’t plenty of rom-coms focused on LGBTQ relationships – there are lots! For the purposes of my discussions here, however, I’m going to stick primarily to examining movies about hetero and cisgender relationships, since I understand those dynamics best as a hetero cis woman married to a hetero cis man, as well as being a romance writer who focuses primarily on writing about those kinds of relationships.
So today I’m here to kick off a discussion of romantic comedies, from both a romance and comedy standpoint. I’ll be awarding points for both, and noting the things I like or dislike about various films in this genre, with special attention paid to various tropes, gender and relationship stereotypes, potency of the “meet-cute” (the initial meeting of the two main characters), and closing with a prediction about the sustainability of the relationship itself.
Here’s a list of 20 films I intend to cover:
As Good As It Gets (1997)The Princess Bride (1987)Amélie (2001)Pretty in Pink (1986)The Big Sick (2017)10 Things I Hate About You (1999)High Fidelity (2000)Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)Hitch (2005)When Harry Met Sally (1989)The Five-Year Engagement (2012)Juno (2007)The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)Groundhog Day (1993)There’s Something About Mary (1998)The Seven Year Itch (1955)How to Marry a Millionaire (1953)Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)Green Card (1990)Sex and the City (2008)
I could definitely use more suggestions for both more recent AND more classic films to cover, so if you’ve got any faves you’d like to see dissected, please feel free to drop them in the comments section!
Meet me back here at the same time next week for my first discussion of one of my favorite movies of all time, The Princess Bride!
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