Sarah MacLaughlin's Blog, page 6

Aunt Annie's Review

Aunt Annie's Childcare blog is a goldmine of information for parents, teachers and caregivers alike. Her blog is organized into several sections depending on your interests.

Aunt Annie has thoughtful advice about tantrums, developmental norms, and peer pressure. But wait, there's more! She also takes on thorny subjects such as telling lies and step-parenting. Links to her biggest gems can be found here. Check out her site, she offers a lot.

Enter to win a Kindle Touch up to five times by helping spread the word about my work here.

Review from The Single Crunch

In general, I bow down to single parents everywhere. Parenting is the hardest (and best) job ever. Whenever my partner goes away for any period of time, I am reminded of how much I rely on having that other adult in the house!

Hats off the The Single Crunch whose blog proclaims: Attachment Parenting: Single-Parent Style. Her blog, which is NOT just for those parenting solo, is full of insightful posts on topics ranging from breastfeeding to homeschooling to gentle parenting. You should totally subscribe.

And as usual, a person who comments on her review will win a copy of my ebook. The Kindle is still up for grabs: enter here.

Guest Post at Wildflower Living

Check out my post, Feed the Good Wolf, at Dr. Jessica Michaelson's site: Wildflower Living.


Dr. Jessica  is a licensed clinical psychologist and trained personal coach, with over 15 years of clinical experience helping people become more creative, resourceful, and whole.

Jessica is an expert in parent-child relationships, self development, attachment, and childhood sleep issues. Her site is home to many great resources and her blog post about cat poop alone is worth the trip!

Dob't forget to comment on the post, one person will winn a free ebook of What Not to Say! And visit my blog tour page to enter to win the grand prize of a Kindle Touch!

Review from The Bebe Diaries

Katie Brunelle is a mama of two who does it all! She maintains two blogs: The Bebe Diaries, a place where she  is aptly, "figuring out motherhood" (aren't we all?) where her review of What Not to Say is posted, and Hitting the Target, a thought provoking blog about inspiring, motivating, and challenging education.

Did I mention that she has a toddler and a newborn? Check out her blogs, they are great. And don't forget to enter to win the free ebook of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children AND the grand prize Kindle Touch!

Also, the Kindle version of the book is now available on Amazon, and for the duration of this Blog Tour it is priced at only $0.99! Click here to get your bargain priced copy.

Kindle Touch Giveaway

Now that I have your attention! But seriously though, a Grand Prize is inticing. I'm launching the ebook of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children and what better way to read it, than on this newfangled device?

You can enter to win by helping me promote my award-winning book and my informative blog. Or you can like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter.

Why do it? (aside from the fact that you might win the Kindle?) Well, then more people will know about me and my writing about modern parenting: why it can be tough and how to make it easier. How to give yourself, and your child a break. I aim to help parents reduce stress and enjoy their kids more while raising the next generation with kindness. This will create a better world....see everyone wins!

You can enter by clicking on the Blog Tour tab on this site or by clicking here and then scrolling down until you see the Rafflecopter box. Click on all five way to enter. Good luck!

BLOG TOUR LAUNCH: Review from The Mom: Informed

The Blog Tour has begun!

Please read and comment on the latest review of What Not to Say from The Mom: Informed—a great blog offering information and web links for parents.

They advocate attachment parenting along with full-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, extended rear-facing car seat use, baby-wearing, natural birth, baby-led solids and more.

Check out their Facebook page and website—details on how to win a free ebook and enter to win a free Kindle Touch are there!

Trust Your Child

Really. Trust your child. Just try it.


Trust that he or she is doing the very best they possibly can under the circumstances. They are calling none of the shots. They have few rights and zero power. Not to mention their under-developed brains and emotional volatility.


Seriously, we need to cut ourselves, and our kids, some slack. This will seem like bad advice in our overachiever culture, but here goes: Lower your standards.


Really, try it. Your expectations are likely off anyway. If you’re going by your own memory of things, the likelihood of accuracy is low. You’re sure you learned how to be a good loser when you were four and your sister won eight games of Trouble in a row, but that was probably the time you ended up under the kitchen table crying. You didn’t actually learn that lesson until you were closer to eight. You think you were five when you learned to swim, but you were really just walking on your hands in the kiddie pool. You’re sure you were able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and really empathize in fourth grade, but really you didn’t get that lesson 100% until, wait, did you ever fully get that one?


Alan Kazdin confirms that our expectations are way too high in his article: Why Can’t Johnny Jump Tall Buildings? I love this particular quote: “When we enforce unreasonable expectations, and especially when we punish according to them, we put stress on kids, who respond by avoiding, escaping, and becoming irritable. Ironically, that puts them off whatever activity, skill, or virtue we're trying to inculcate, making it aversive rather than attractive.” See what we do: Self-fulfilling prophesy! We all need to lighten up! Parentingontrack.com posted a great graphic that said: “Lighten up. Kids will make mischief. People get upset in life. Conflict happens. You can keep it moving!”


How about a self-fulfilling prophesy of another sort? One that trusts in the inherent goodness of children. Let’s assume that our child is doing their best with the tools and brainpower they’ve got. Let’s aim to inspire situational awareness instead of blind obedience. How about an I-know-you-can-do-it type prophesy? Or an I-trust-you-to-remember-on-your-own prophesy. Wait a minute before you nag or prompt. Does it really matter if they say “please” EVERY time? Be patient! They will say it, they will learn.


Be patient—that’s what we are always telling them. We should try it ourselves.


Trust your child. Lower your expectations. Relax.


She is a good kid. He will do the right thing. Mistakes are how humans learn. Get out of the way. Assume the best and trust your child.

Teacher Tom: Seven Things To Say Instead Of "Good Job!"

Teacher Tom: Seven Things To Say Instead Of "Good Job!"

Teacher Tom illustrates narration perfectly here. There's photos too! NOticing and narrating are my favorite way to respond to children. Once you get used to it, it will roll off your tongue just like praise and "Good job!" do now.


Try it, you'll like it!

May I have Your Attention, Please?

You will have to trust me when I tell you that I have spent a lot of time thinking about how adults speak to children. I could talk for hours (and often do) about how praise is likely to backfire, threats are useless, and bribes will only haunt you in the end. And just when I started to feel like I had a pretty good handle on this whole parenting thing, I took a closer look and saw a fresh, new place that needed my attention: a big old double standard.


I often implore my son; "Please practice patience," when waiting is necessary. I then snap at him, "I'm losing my patience!" when he makes me wait.

I want him to move from playtime to mealtime to bedtime with ease (and on mytimetable), while I tell him, "Just wait a minute," or "Hang on a second while I finish this email," at every turn.

I tell him, "You're not listening to me!" or "You're not paying attention." Oh, but it is I who am not paying attention.

I saw this on Facebook tonight: Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; you are raising a human being. Right. I forgot.

One reason I forgot is that I work full-time, among other things. But hey, I know it's just as stressful on the so-called "greener" side. At home or at the office, we are all busting our humps. Deborah Jacobs suggests we don't judge each other. I completely agree. The truth is I'd be working just as hard even if I didn't go to the office everyday—self-aware parenting is no joke, no matter where you spend your days.

You know how sometimes people say, "He's just doing that to get attention."? Yeah well, that's because your attention is required.


Pay attention!

Pay attention when he says, "I want to tell you something."

Pay attention when she says, "Watch me Daddy!"

Pay attention to the way he looks up at you and says, "I want to hold your hand Mommy," as he steps out of the car. This means he has listened, and then integrated what you have requested.

Pay attention when she falls apart after losing Go Fish. This means that she is too young to be a "good loser." Skip the lecture and try to stay relaxed. Maybe you can get her laughing if you apologize profusely and make a heartfelt promise to lose all the rest of the games.

Pay attention when he asks for every toy in the store. Notice that he is likely over-stimulated, or needs a good cry. Offer the warm, firm limit that you are not getting any toys today. Acknowledge that this is hard—this wanting and not getting.

Last I checked wanting and not getting was still hard. Even for those of us with mature, adult brains. For his small, still developing mind, it might be unbearable. This and all the other all-too-human lessons will be learned in good time, and will be best incorporated as you stay connected and loving.

Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; you are raising a human being.

Remember in as many moments as you can.

Inconvenient behavior is your child saying: "Please, pay attention."

Outside the Box

Sometimes in life, and in parenting, it's helpful to creatively problem-solve – to think outside the box. As much as we'd rather channel our internal Mr. Spock, we are actually quite illogical beings. We may believe we are thinking rationally, but really – try as we might – how often are we able to actually respond to our children instead of reacting? If you are anything like me: not as often as you'd like. First, I'll explain a little about why this whole remaining calm thing is so difficult, and then I'll offer a few counter-intuitive approaches for you to try.
I want to be a peaceful parent. I aim for calm, rational responses to my child's challenging behaviors. But often my knee-jerk reactions take over. The culprit is the limbic brain. The limbic brain is home to our emotions and moods. It is also where memories are created, olfactory sense resides, and laughter is generated. While this is all well and good, our limbic system also controls us when we feel threatened and head into flight or fight, effectively cutting us off from our higher-level-thinking cortex.
A child's rational mind is still under construction, and their emotions are pretty much running the show. We are the ones with the (hopefully) fully functioning adult brains. However, we do get triggered by the emotional pull of the young. The best case scenario is when they are a limbic mess and we can keep it together to model self-soothing, impulse-control, and emotion moderation. In this case we are teaching through example and offering a template of what it looks like to integrate multiple parts of the brain. When things don't go well, we are yanked down to their emotionally immature level – into the limbic soup so to speak—and well, it can get ugly. So, a few ideas for you to try:
Let your child "win." Resist the urge to always be right, know everything, and tell your child what to do. Sometimes relaxing your inner know-it-all (almost impossible for me, I will admit) can allow a child to make their own way and come to their own conclusions. Teachers sometimes call this the constructivist approach. If we let children invent and test their own theories, they learn to be creative, problem-solve, and literally constructtheir own learning. Also, use humor and role-reversal to engage in their name-calling or power-mongering. When my son pulls out the Mean Mommy label, I say, "Oh no, here comes the Mean Mommy. She is after you! See if you can knock her down with your strong muscles." (Prepare for impact. Fall over. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.)Stop prompting. In the same vein as letting a child learn on their own, giving them a little leeway around self-care and social situations can be fruitful. Maybe they were about to say thank you when you jumped in and asked them to. I have (almost) never prompted children for manners and they consistently learn to say please, thank you,excuse me, and I'm sorry by simply seeing it modeled on a regular basis. Likewise, imagine that someone is constantly asking you: "Are you hungry? Do you need a snack? Do you have to use the bathroom? Would you like a drink of water? Are you sure you don't have to pee? Are you REALLY sure?" Welcome to the world of the average preschooler. You'd be cranky too, right?
Be inconsistent. But consistency is everything! Well, yes and no. I understand the wisdom of a predictable bedtime routine and a boundary that never wavers. But I also see the payoff for adding some prudent flexibility to your menu of parenting responses: "Sure, you can stay up late tonight," or, "Yes – you may have a second serving of pie." If you are always firm in meaning what you say in the moment, then you have some wiggle room to change your mind every once in a while. When they ask, "Dad, can we go to a movie on a school night again this week?" You can say, "No dear, that was a 
special occasion."
Even if some of this advice sounds crazy, what do you have to lose by giving it a try? It can't hurt to be a little more flexible in your responses. Maybe you'll even end up laughing at yourself – and NOTHING is more welcome than a sense of humor when it comes to parenting – NOTHING.
RESOURCES
The Art of Rough-Housing, by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD and Anthony T. DeBenedet
The Way of The Peaceful Parent 
Jennifer Lehr's blog: 'Good Job' and Other Things You Shouldn't Say or Do (Unless You Want to Ruin Your Kid's Life)