Laina Turner's Blog, page 16

Beating Midlife Frump

I don’t think there are many women (or girls) on the planet who haven’t been insecure about their looks at some point in their life.

Even when we get older and wiser, those insecurities don’t leave. They might lessen, they might shift, they might even intensify. While we may know how to cope with them better, they’re still there.

For me, insecurities come in waves. Sometimes I feel awesome and beautiful, and nothing gets me down. And then sometimes I don’t want to leave the house afraid I’ll scare the children, and I’ve nothing of value to offer.

Things took a nosedive in mid-2017 when I left my dean’s position at the local university to work from home 100%. I had looked forward to this day for years. No office politics, no long commute, no need to shower or put on clothes.

You think I’m joking.

I thought I was too.

When I said that I loved working from home, it was because I got to stay in my pajamas all day at. First I was joking. Until more days in a row than I’d like to admit my daughter would get home from school and ask if I’d ever showered or gotten dressed.

Then for fear of being shamed by my young daughter, I would make sure to shower and dress before the bus dropped her off at 3:30 pm.

I thought that was good, but it wasn’t helping my self-esteem.

It didn’t take long before not only did I wear nothing but black yoga pants (I have more than 10 pairs) with an oversize shirt and sweater but I stopped working out, eating healthy, and never wanted to go out.

I got embarrassed to go out in public because I felt like a frumpy old lady. None of my nice clothes fit anymore, and so I had to wear my black yoga pants. I sure as hell wasn’t buying new fat clothes.

No one wants to do that.

The few times I needed something I went to Goodwill or my local second-hand store. What I bought was marginally better, but of course, it wasn’t a great fit. I felt horrible about myself.

But yet was too unmotivated to take action.

Until…

I went to Portugal.

It was a trip of a lifetime. A small group of women led by travel blogger Helene Sula of Helene in Between. I signed up because the trip contained some blogging workshops she was giving and I thought why not learn in Portugal. Plus, get the tax write off for professional development.

Not every one was a blogger, but out of the 15 women and 1 man (Helene’s fabulous husband Michael) only 3 of us were over 32 and all the women under 32 were smoking hot (yes so was Micheal but he’s not my point of this post).

These ladies were also Insta fabulous. I felt a twinge of physical insecurity when we got together that first night. But it wasn’t until we went to Sintra 2 days later to tour beautiful castles when I was slapped in the face with more insecurity about my looks than I’d had since in the 8th grade when I had glasses, braces, and boobs. And no idea who I was.

These gorgeous gals were straight out of a fashion shoot. In their beautiful outfits taking these hot pictures and I wanted to cry. At that moment if I could have, I would have gone home.

I felt horrible about myself. Embarrassed and pissed I couldn’t take cute photos. I was angry at myself for allowing an almost 30lb weight gain (I can’t blame it all on my recent thyroid issues) and looking like a frumpy middle-ager.

I will also tell you that all of them were nothing but amazing. They never once made us over 32’ers feel anything less than part of their crowd. They included us, were supportive, and I enjoyed every second being around them.

It was me. It was my fault. I hated myself. Here I was in a gorgeous country, and I was miserable because of something within my control.

You’d think when I came home I’d be totally motivated to do something about it.

Nope. I continued to eat my feelings for a couple more weeks until I finally had a heart to heart with myself. I had to stop waiting for the right time.

There would always be stress, pumpkin food season, movie popcorn. I couldn’t wait for the circumstances to be right or they never would be. There would always be something.

I needed to just do it. Thanks, Nike.

Have you found yourself in a similar spot where you knew you needed to make a change in regards to healthy eating and exercise?

Not even from a superficial place, I know my whining in this post is all superficial, but to be healthy. Which is much more important that looking good on the ‘gram.

You can have both. Hotness on the outside and healthiness on the inside. Hey, somedays you need that external hot mama to keep you motivated to eat healthily and exercise.

So how can you find the motivation and stick to it’ness?

Start with small changes. Don’t go from a period of inactivity to trying to run 5 miles or cut out all the things you love to eat and replace it with lettuce all 3 meals. It’s all about the incremental gains I talked about in the In Pursuit of Fabulous Midlife post.

For example, walking 3 times a week for 20 minutes when you haven’t been doing anything is a huge move in the right direction. Once you’ve built that routine, you can get up it to 30 minutes and so on. Create a plan that is realistic and works for you.

Reward yourself. Making any type of change in life is hard. Even if you want it. When you’re used to doing something a certain way it’s hard to break that cycle. So you need to incentivize yourself to do so.

Just not with food.

Maybe allow yourself a short Netflix binge, mani/pedi, a bubble bath, and a good book. Something that will make you feel good that won’t derail your goals.

Find an accountability partner. This is key. You need someone to talk you off the ledge when you want to stuff that plate of nachos down your throat.

Am I the only one who has such issues with nachos?

Find that person you know will drive to your house and drag you out of bed if you try to miss a workout. The person you can complain to non-stop about how it all sucks. That person who will tell you how fabulous you look in your new jeans.

Share your goals and allow them to help hold you accountable. It’s still on you, but some friendly badgering works.

Invest in clothing that makes you feel and look good. No one wants to buy bigger clothes. But if you spend the 6 months it takes to get to a smaller size in clothes that don’t make you feel good it’s more likely you’ll get frustrated and give up.

Size doesn’t matter it’s how you feel.

You don’t have to spend a lot. Try eBay. I bought my favorite pairs of Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft jeans there in my current size and the too small ones on a shelf in my closet. While I don’t like that I’m wearing the bigger size I feel more confident than in my stretchy yoga pants.

On a side note if you have a small waist and big hips both these brands in the boyfriend style fit really well.

Work on loving yourself no matter what. This is the absolute most important tip I can give. You are fabulous no matter your size, how you look, how fashionable you are. Love the person you are as you are. It’s not always easy, and it takes work. Keep in mind there is only one of you for a reason.

Your level of fabulousness can’t be matched. You broke the mold baby!

The post Beating Midlife Frump appeared first on Laina Turner.

Latest with Laina Oct. 2nd

Hi lovely readers! It’s been a few weeks. See you let me go out of town, and I get off my routine.

First, I want to say a happy fall. I can’t believe it’s October, but I’m excited as it’s one of my favorite months. I am one of those who loves everything pumpkin. Plus, as much as I enjoy the heat of summer nothing beats crisp fall days and the colors of the trees…AMAZING.

Last week I started back to boot camp with my friend Kathy. I’d taken a few months off because I hurt my hip (and I was lazy). It’s at 5:30 am, and while I don’t enjoy getting up that early and, to be honest, I don’t even enjoy it that much, but the timeframe fits best with my schedule. I’d rather go to yoga.

Honestly, I’d rather do nothing, but that’s not an option.

I’m currently finishing up a holiday novella (don’t have a title yet) it’s a stand-alone that I may turn into a series if there is a good response. It will be published as part of an anthology with 15 other authors who are all part of Sleuthing Women…read, sleuth, solve, repeat (click the link if you want to join us).

I also have a Presley Thurman holiday novella coming out in December called Icicles & Icepicks. Liars & Lawyers, the follow-up to Diamonds & Disguises will be out in January 2019, so I thought a fun Christmas themed book while you’re waiting would be fun.

This month Bats & Blings is on sale for .99 cents so if you haven’t already read it; it’s time to grab yourself a copy!

The question of the week.

Why do you think so many books that have a romantic element also have a double standard. For example, the guy does something wrong, and he’s a jerk but the girl can do something bad, and it’s not as big of a deal?

Thanks to the wonderful reader who brought this up to me. It’s a GREAT question!

Happy reading,

Laina

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The post Latest with Laina Oct. 2nd appeared first on Laina Turner.

Making Marriage Work in 5 Minutes a Day

Marriage isn’t easy. It’s one of the hardest things to do successfully. I’m on my second one, and you’d think I’d be better at it this time around.

Ha! That’s not at all true. While I am older and wiser this time around marriage still isn’t easy by any means.

In some ways, it’s actually harder because I am older and wiser. I know that things can’t be left unsaid. You can’t ignore the small issues lest they become big ones. And living in denial might be a more fun proposition short-term, but in the long run, it won’t work.

As long as marriage has been around (hundreds of years) there is still no foolproof formula to making a marriage work. If there were one definitive key, maybe we’d all stay married.

The marriage didn’t start out being about a couple in love wanting to spend their life together. It was more pragmatic, strategic. It was about building alliances and wealth. Leveraging families to become stronger families. To acquire lands and livestock.

That expectation was probably easier to manage, but I can’t imagine a world without couples in love.

Let’s face it, ladies. At one time or another, we’ve all wanted to star in a real-life RomCom. Where girl meets boy, mishaps happen, but true love prevails in the end.

And although so many marriages end in divorce, I’d like to hope that at least 50% of us can continue to beat the odds.

Marriage needs to be built on strong communication, trust, and respect. Whether you’re 20 or in midlife. Whether you’re on your first marriage or your 5th. The foundation for success is the same.

It may sound simple, but it’s not. The reality of the situation is while the terms laid out above are simple each of us has our own interpretation of what they mean.

THAT is the challenge.

I should also add tolerance to that list. I know that kind of sounds negative, but I mean that none of us are perfect. Of course, your spouse/partner is going to annoy you at times. Anyone you send a lot of time around will get on your nerves at some point.

When you love someone, you should be able to brush it off. Get past those small things. Why? Because they have so many other amazing things to offer that in the grand scheme of things it should matter.

For me, I feel the biggest key to marriage success are those things AND quality time. Note I didn’t say quantity time but quality time.

That’s why my husband and I have instituted the 5-minute rule. We spend at least 5 minutes a day talking either in person or on text/phone if I’m traveling for work and not home.

I know you’re probably thinking WHAT? 5 minutes?

You can’t possibly be serious.

A strong marriage needs more than 5 minutes a day to be, well, strong.

How can you build a strong marriage in 5 minutes?

How can you only have 5 minutes to spend with each other?

Though if you have kids, you probably aren’t asking me that last question. Between work, the kids, and traveling, it’s no joke. We don’t have much more than 5 minutes a night most nights to spend together. And sometimes its hard to find that amount of time.

We never felt we had time to talk about the logistics of the day, much less have couples time. As a joke, we started putting 5-minute blocks on our calendars, stretching it to 7 if there was something really important to talk about. But after several weeks of doing this, it became a routine. We realized all joking aside; we looked forward to getting at that 5 minutes together.

We got excited knowing we would have 5 uninterrupted minutes to chat each day (and again if you have kids you know that’s a huge accomplishment). Neither of us felt guilty telling the kids it was our 5-minute time slot and not to bother us. Since it was only 5 minutes.

What the time constraints have done for us as a couple is forced us to be more purposeful with our time. Not that we don’t love to sit on the couch, hang out, and enjoy each others company but when our days are crazy we work as a team and communicate in that time frame.

To figure out who has to do what. That means when we do have the chance to spend more time together we don’t have to spend it talking about boring stuff. We can use it for fun. We also use it to resolve conflict efficiently.

My point is you may not have hours on end to spend with your significant other. But you can have a strong relationship if you are purposeful with your time.

I hear a lot of my friends (and I’m guilty of this too) complain about problems in their relationships (and not just married ones). Blaming lack of time on this issue or that issue. I say that’s a cop-out.

You only have a certain amount of time each day. It’s YOUR choice how you spend it. You can spend it complaining about how you don’t have enough time, or you can make the best use out of the time you have.

Think of the cliche slow and steady wins the race. In 5 minutes a day, you can work on our communication, trust, and respect. You can address those small issues before they get to be big ones. Think of how many times you had something to discuss with someone that was going to be a difficult conversation and you use not enough time as an excuse? The more time goes by, the harder it is to address and often the bigger of a problem it becomes.

Often the 5 minutes, or whatever time constraint you have, may lend itself to a quicker resolution because you can’t argue about it for hours on end.

The one thing midlife has taught me about marriage is to have patience and that we are all a work in progress. If 2 people truly love each other, almost anything can be overcome.

The post Making Marriage Work in 5 Minutes a Day appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

How to Overcome Midlife Frump

I don’t think there are many women (or girls) on the planet who haven’t been insecure about their looks at some point in their life.

Even when we get older and wiser, those insecurities don’t leave. They might lessen, they might shift, they might even intensify. While we may know how to cope with them better, they’re still there.

For me, insecurities come in waves. Sometimes I feel awesome and beautiful, and nothing gets me down. And then sometimes I don’t want to leave the house afraid I’ll scare the children, and I’ve nothing of value to offer.

Things took a nosedive in mid-2017 when I left my dean’s position at the local university to work from home 100%. I had looked forward to this day for years. No office politics, no long commute, no need to shower or put on clothes.

You think I’m joking.

I thought I was too.

When I said that I loved working from home, it was because I got to stay in my pajamas all day at. First I was joking. Until more days in a row than I’d like to admit my daughter would get home from school and ask if I’d ever showered or gotten dressed.

Then for fear of being shamed by my young daughter, I would make sure to shower and dress before the bus dropped her off at 3:30pm.

I thought that was good, but it wasn’t helping my self-esteem.

It didn’t take long before not only did I wear nothing but black yoga pants (I have more than 10 pairs) with an oversize shirt and sweater but I stopped working out, eating healthy, and never wanted to go out.

I got embarrassed to go out in public because I felt like a frumpy old lady. None of my nice clothes fit anymore, and so I had to wear my black yoga pants. I sure as hell wasn’t buying new fat clothes.

No one wants to do that.

The few times I needed something I went to Goodwill or my local second-hand store. What I bought was marginally better, but of course, it wasn’t a great fit. I felt horrible about myself.

But yet was too unmotivated to take action.

Until…

I went to Portugal.

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It was a trip of a lifetime. A small group of women led by travel blogger Helene Sula of Helene in Between. I signed up because the trip contained some blogging workshops she was giving and I thought why not learn in Portugal. Plus, get the tax write off for professional development.

Not every one was a blogger, but out of the 15 women and 1 man (Helene’s fabulous husband Michael) only 3 of us were over 32 and all the women under 32 were smoking hot (yes so was Micheal but he’s not my point of this post).

These ladies were also Insta fabulous. I felt a twinge of physical insecurity when we got together that first night. But it wasn’t until we went to Sintra 2 days later to tour beautiful castles when I was slapped in the face with more insecurity about my looks than I’d had since in the 8th grade when I had glasses, braces, and boobs. And no idea who I was.

These gorgeous gals were straight out of a fashion shoot. In their beautiful outfits taking these hot pictures and I wanted to cry. At that moment if I could have, I would have gone home.

I felt horrible about myself. Embarrassed and pissed I couldn’t take cute photos. I was angry at myself for allowing an almost 30lb weight gain (I can’t blame it all on my recent thyroid issues) and looking like a frumpy middle-ager.

I will also tell you that all of them were nothing but amazing. They never once made us over 32’ers feel anything less than part of their crowd. They included us, were supportive, and I enjoyed every second being around them.

It was me. It was my fault. I hated myself. Here I was in a gorgeous country, and I was miserable because of something within my control.

You’d think when I came home I’d be totally motivated to do something about it.

Nope. I continued to eat my feelings for a couple more weeks until I finally had a heart to heart with myself. I had to stop waiting for the right time.

There would always be stress, pumpkin food season, movie popcorn. I couldn’t wait for the circumstances to be right or they never would be. There would always be something.

I needed to just do it. Thanks, Nike.

Have you found yourself in a similar spot where you knew you needed to make a change in regards to healthy eating and exercise?

Not even from a superficial place, I know my whining in this post is all superficial, but to be healthy. Which is much more important that looking good on the ‘gram.

You can have both. Hotness on the outside and healthiness on the inside. Hey, somedays you need that external hot mama to keep you motivated to eat healthily and exercise.

So how can you find the motivation and stick to it’ness?

Start with small changes. Don’t go from a period of inactivity to trying to run 5 miles or cut out all the things you love to eat and replace it with lettuce all 3 meals. It’s all about the incremental gains I talked about in the In Pursuit of Fabulous Midlife post.

For example, walking 3 times a week for 20 minutes when you haven’t been doing anything is a huge move in the right direction. Once you’ve built that routine, you can get up it to 30 minutes and so on. Create a plan that is realistic and works for you.

Reward yourself. Making any type of change in life is hard. Even if you want it. When you’re used to doing something a certain way it’s hard to break that cycle. So you need to incentivize yourself to do so.

Just not with food.

Maybe allow yourself a short Netflix binge, mani/pedi, a bubble bath, and a good book. Something that will make you feel good that won’t derail your goals.

Find an accountability partner. This is key. You need someone to talk you off the ledge when you want to stuff that plate of nachos down your throat.

Am I the only one who has such issues with nachos?

Find that person you know will drive to your house and drag you out of bed if you try to miss a workout. The person you can complain to non-stop about how it all sucks. That person who will tell you how fabulous you look in your new jeans.

Share your goals and allow them to help hold you accountable. It’s still on you, but some friendly badgering works.

Invest in clothing that makes you feel and look good. No one wants to buy bigger clothes. But if you spend the 6 months it takes to get to a smaller size in clothes that don’t make you feel good it’s more likely you’ll get frustrated and give up.

Size doesn’t matter it’s how you feel.

You don’t have to spend a lot. Try eBay. I bought my favorite pairs of Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft jeans there in my current size and the too small ones on a shelf in my closet. While I don’t like that I’m wearing the bigger size I feel more confident than in my stretchy yoga pants.

On a side note if you have a small waist and big hips both these brands in the boyfriend style fit really well. 

Work on loving yourself no matter what. This is the absolute most important tip I can give. You are fabulous no matter your size, how you look, how fashionable you are. Love the person you are as you are. It’s not always easy, and it takes work. Keep in mind there is only one of you for a reason.

Your level of fabulousness can’t be matched. You broke the mold baby!

The post How to Overcome Midlife Frump appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

How Journaling Can Inspire You

This post contains some affiliate links for your convenience. If you purchase a product through my link, I may receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you.

Over the years I have found great strength and resolution in the practice of journaling. It’s my time to talk to God, to be thankful, restate my goals and to focus on what I want to accomplish.

I decided to write this post when I realized I’d gotten away from journaling and how much it had negatively impacted me. It’s been months since I lasted journaled, after over a 6-month daily streak. And I can tell.

I wanted to share with all of you how journaling can have such a positive impact.

In today’s busy life we all struggle to find any quiet time. At least I do. Journaling, even for 5 minutes, gives that time where you can be alone with your thoughts.

I’m old fashioned and like pen and paper. I keep a special notebook that helps to inspire me to write in it; I love beautiful things when it comes to office supplies. But more than the accessories that come with journaling (as pretty as they are) is the feeling it evokes.

Journaling is a very personal process. What works for me might not be what works for you, but I’m going to share my process. Then feel free to tweak it as you see fit.

When I start writing sometimes, I could go for hours, so I do set myself a time limit of 15 minutes. This time is blocked out on my morning schedule. I prefer to do it first thing, but when I’m working out early in the morning, I can’t bring myself to get up THAT early. So do it during my after workout coffee.

I start by writing a note to God. I’m not a regular churchgoer, for reasons I doubt I’ll ever blog about, but I am a Christian. I’m very spiritual, and I stay connected to God in my own way.

I thank Him for all he’s blessed me with, and I ask him for help I may need. And trust me I always need it. I used to feel guilty asking for things when I didn’t deem myself worthy, but then I realized that’s kind of the whole point. Having a relationship where you can celebrate together, cry together, and work through problems together. He is always here for us.

I then write down all the things I’m thankful for. Many of these are the same each day, but it’s still important.

I’m thankful for my family, my friends, and everything I have. Even though life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, I do realize how awesome my life is. I couldn’t ask for more.

I end with my affirmations. Years ago when I was going through my divorce, I listened to a lot of Louisa Hay and Wayne Dyer. It made me realize how important telling yourself positive things are and how to manifest that positivity into your future desires.

I know some may feel its corny but the mind is so strong, and it can impact your mood. What happens to you depending on your thoughts whether positive or negative.

Framing what I am working on in such a way that I’ve already accomplished it works. I know you might think it’s hokie if it’s not your thing but trust me when I tell you it works.

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I listened to a Marie Forleo video once that talked about the power of the phrases “I can’t” versus “I don’t”. That “I can’t” gives a connotation of deprivation which makes you feel depressed and usually makes you want it more (like when I say I can’t have nachos makes me want 5 plates of them). But “I don’t” is a conscious choice. It gives you power because you are making a choice not to do something.

I know it might seem silly, but I’ve tried it, and it works. Anything that will help keep my mind in a positive place is something I’m going to do.

Something I need to do.

If my reasons and methods of method of journaling aren’t enough to convince you then let me list a few other reasons why I believe in the positive benefits of journaling.

1. Time with yourself to reflect and meditate.

2. Active thinking about what you are grateful for and what you want in life.

3. Time to focus on your goals and how you’re going to get there.

4. Time to recenter yourself if you’re feeling out of control.

5. A chance to practice gratitude.

6. A chance to get your frustrations out on paper and move forward with a clear head.

7. You can work through problems and find solutions.

8. To create future plans and ways to get there.

9. To commit to something routine which will help you create other routines.

10. To note things that you can look back on and appreciate and celebrate.

11. Can help you track patterns of behavior (good and/or bad).

You might have only 1 or 10 reasons to journal. Maybe you have 50. Whatever the case if you’ve not tried it go ahead and give it a chance. You have nothing to lose and a lot to possibly gain.

The post How Journaling Can Inspire You appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

Midlife Money Matters

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Money. A topic that many of us don’t like to talk about. Unless of course, we have tons of it and like throwing it around. And in that case, you shouldn’t talk about it. It’s not classy.

Did you know that the richest 1% in the US own more wealth than the bottom 90% combined? And that bottom 90% has 73% of all debt. 

Does that surprise you?

If you pay attention to the pros and cons of the different generations, you will see that a consistent con of Generation X (people born 1961-1981 or thereabouts depending on what article you read) is we have the most debt and are the least prepared for retirement.

Baby Boomers are doing marginally better while my research said Millennials are savers (who knew). They outpace Gen X and Baby Boomers in retirement savings (comparatively to age). However, we corner the market on homeownership. When it comes to debt we’re all pretty equal. In that, we all have too much of it. At least us bottom 90%.

Oh to be that 1%. 

To be honest I never thought about these things until I started researching for this post. Then not only was I depressed because the information sure isn’t inspiring but mad at myself for not knowing. I mean I wasn’t at all shocked but seeing it in black and white was eye-opening. 

It motivated me to take a harder look at what I was saving for retirement. After this post, I hope you’ll feel the same way.

Speaking from personal knowledge of myself and friends in my age bracket I’m sad to say the above stats prove out. Not 100% but then nothing is 100%. If I look at my friend circle it’s evenly split. Half are doing their finances right regarding their kid’s college and retirement and half are one emergency away from OH SHIT now what do I do.

Myself, I’m about 2 emergencies away from OH SHIT now what do I do and I know I need more in my kids 529 and my 401k.

I blame competitive cheerleading. Not sure what that means? Stick around the blog long enough, and you’ll find out.

Seriously though, it’s scary. Many of my friends aren’t prepared for retirement as their focus is putting their kids through college. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night. Worried that in 20 years when I don’t want to work multiple jobs or even worse can’t physically do it anymore I won’t have the savings I need to enjoy my golden years the way I want to.

If I work, which right now I want to as I enjoy what I do, I want it to be my choice not out of necessity.

When you’re worried about how to pay for your sweet little angel’s college and retirement at the same time. It adds up to a lot of stress. The stress you don’t need. The only way to reduce that stress is to create a plan. Then execute it. 

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I’m no financial planner, or guru, or even a model of financial health but I do have experience. I’ve weathered the ups and downs from having everything one ‘needs’ to keep up with the Jones to divorce, bankruptcy, and foreclosure. Then working hard to climb back out again.

I also know how important it is to not stick your head in the sand and think you have plenty of time to start saving for a rainy day or retirement. You don’t. Even if you’re 20, it’s not too early but especially if you’re over 40.

The first step is to have an accurate picture of your financial health. Not an ‘I think” picture but a real eyes wide open scary as hell picture of the basics.

What you make.

What you spend.

What you owe.

What you need.

Are you cringing already? I know I do every time I do this. This isn’t a one and done. You should minimally review your financial health once a year. Just like you get a yearly physical and your teeth cleaned. And if you’re not doing those things then make an appointment right now.

You hear me? RIGHT NOW!

Once you’ve made those appointments, have an accurate picture of your financial health, and have downed a bottle of wine. It’s time for the next step.

Actually, you might want to sober up before the next step.

In this second step, you have 2 main focuses. Debt and retirement That is getting out of and saving for.

Most financial planners, at least the ones I’ve worked with over the years, will say you want to pay off debt first if the interest rate is higher than the rate of return on your retirement portfolio. Not completely cut your contribution to zero but it’s not prudent to max out your 401k with an 8% return if you have 50k in credit card debt at 15%.

Make sense? Please know this is strictly food for thought. I would advise you to consult your financial planner or hire one, before making any major changes.

Now the problem with paying off debt at the expense of contributing to your retirement is many people lack discipline. They will charge those cards right back up, and end up in a vicious cycle. Don’t be ashamed if you lack discipline. You’re not alone. But you don’t want to put yourself in a position where you still have the credit card debt and have reduced your contributions for a time period just to be right back where you started.

There are several ways to get yourself out of debt. I have used, more than once, Dave Ramseys snowball method. It creates the momentum needed to stay the course. 

You also need to create a budget.  More importantly, stick to it. For years my budgets lasted as long as my commitment to not eat nachos.

There were two reasons for this. It made me uncomfortable, and I felt bad to say no we can’t afford it to my family.I would have those times were I needed a pick me up and spending money did that.

I finally realized I had to get over those things if I were ever going to dig us out of debt. 

You need to track your spending, know how much you have to spend, and learn to spend within those means.

I recently read a line by Ruth Soukup from Living Well Spending Less that said.

Sticking to a budget forces me to tap into creativity I never knew existed.

I wish I would have seen that sentence a long time ago as it would have motivated me. It’s what finally got me to be able to say no. Or rather I give my kids options. 

Options like these:

Sure, honey, you can have a new Xbox game, but we can’t eat for a week.

New cheer shoes? Of course but I won’t be buying hamster food for 6 months.

While those are slightly exaggerated, you get the point. More importantly THEY get the point. I’ve made them part of the sticking to a budget, and it can be fun.

Determining how much you need for retirement is a step you should take before you figure out how much you need to save and what you can afford to save. Don’t let yourself get too stressed about not being able to save as much as you should be saving. It is what it is and as long as you’re moving in the positive direction worrying won’t solve anything.

The key is taking action. Don’t wallow in self pity case you’ve gotten yourself in debt and don’t have savings. 

Just move forward. 

Start today.

The post Midlife Money Matters appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

In Pursuit of Fabulous Midlife

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When I was a young kid, I thought high schoolers who had their drivers license were old. As a teen 40 seemed ancient, and even in my mid-twenties I couldn’t imagine being 50. Now I feel that 50 is the new 20.

Or at least the new 25.

midlife goals

I used to fear getting older. Actually, I didn’t fear it. I didn’t think about it. Then 45 crept up on me. Losing weight and staying in shape is harder. For the first time, my doctor said I needed to pay attention to my thyroid and my cholesterol. And sometimes just getting all my parts moving after waking up is the biggest challenge of my day.

That’s when the fear kicked in. I had to recognize that I wasn’t as young as I used to be and I wasn’t getting any younger. I know that sentence may not make sense. What I’m trying to say is I realized I need to treat my body better and work harder for things that once came easy (ish). Also, that list of things I wanted to do “someday when” wasn’t ever going to happen if I didn’t stop waiting for someday.

That fear pushed me to research midlife and what it means (besides the obvious). Once I got past the first few pages of Google and all the midlife crisis posts I found there was a lot of women my age embracing this stage of life. Instead of thinking my life was half over there was a lot of fun to be had in thinking I still had half my life to live.

My first midlife read was Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife and that’s what inspired me to start this blog.

Even though my plate is already overflowing I asked my husband, can you build me a new website (it’s what he does for a living, and I’m his best client – or worst depending who you ask).

I’d used the tag line In Pursuit of Fabulous (or variations of) for years, but I felt it really fit here. It was fate. It was meant to be.

I tried to tell myself it was stupid to take on one mo also be a healthy way for me to not only embrace my midlife journey but stay accountable to what I said I wanted to accomplish in my midlife. I’ve spent way to much time invested in Netflix watching these last few years. I’d known for a while that needed to change but wasn’t motivated to do it. Until now.

As I did my research I found the following things:

Anytime you search up midlife you have to fight through all the midlife crisis content.

The term midlife originated in 1807, but artistic representations of midlife have been around since the 16th century.

Midlife through the beginning of the 20th century was a positive, not the negative we see it portrayed today.

The term midlife crisis was coined in 1950

I also discovered that the suicide rate is highest in middle age. No wonder midlife crisis comes up when you Google midlife.

But think about it, it makes sense. This is the span of life is when you have the most financial stress, parents age and die, and as you age, there is a sense of impending death and irrelevancy.

So if you don’t take action, you WILL have a crisis in midlife.

You owe it to yourself to take whatever action necessary to be the best version of YOU today, tomorrow, and 20 years from now.

You can be FABULOUS AT MIDLIFE!

It will just take work.

What does that work look like?

Take stock of your life. Where you are and what do you want.

This can be scary, but it’s necessary. You have to dig deep, look under the hood, and face reality. The positive is, even as frightening as it is to closely examine your life, this is the first step toward change.

This doesn’t have to be complicated. Just grab a piece of paper and make 2 columns.

What you like about your life and what is missing.

When you finish this exercise take a few moments and reflect on the things you wrote down about what you don’t like and want to change about your life.

Figure out, if you don’t immediately know, WHY you don’t like those elements and get a good understanding of the underlying emotional reasons.

Then think about what you WANT!

Midlife Goals – holla!

Have you ever thought you wanted something, but it didn’t jazz you or fill you with purpose? And you realized you didn’t want it as much as you thought.

Maybe it was someone else’s dream?

Maybe you want it for the wrong reasons.

Make sure what you want and don’t want are truly WHAT YOU WANT OR DON’T WANT!

The sky’s the limit.

You might have a list of 10 or 1000 things you want to accomplish. The important thing is you have it down on paper, and you are getting clear on what you want.

What needs to happen to affect change?

Because I’m a firm believer in writing things down to make them real, take out another piece of paper, or open a Word document. Now make a list of everything you need/want to change to take your life in the direction you want it to go.

For example, my list would look like this:

I need to stop overeating.

I need to stop drinking so much wine.

Need to stop spending so much money on crap.

I need to exercise.

I’m tired and depressed just looking at it. If you’ve ever watched The Secret, read anything by Louisa Hay or Wayne Dyer you’ll already know what I’m about to say.

Those statements don’t set you up for success. You need to reframe them in a positive.

I am healthy and happy and practice portion control.

I love to enjoy one glass of wine with friends.

I appreciate my money and spend it wisely.

I love how I feel after walking in my neighborhood.

If you’ve not used affirmations before I know you might be rolling your eyes and thinking you’re never going to read another post by me again. And I know it might sound corny. But this shit works. I kid you not.

It’s been proven that negative breeds negative and positive attracts positive. Don’t beat your self down think of that future state and how it will feel when you’ve achieved it.

Take all the things you want to change and flip them into positive affirmations. Challenge yourself to read through them once or twice a day, and you’ll see a difference.

There is a lot of power in positive thinking.

Prioritize and declare actions

You’re not going to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks, or get enough saved from retirement in 6 months, or be in good enough shape to run a marathon by next weekend.

Even though I’ve often set those type of crazy goals for myself. Trust me, it doesn’t work.

You also can’t work on everything you want to change all at the same time. That behavior is guaranteed to frustrate you and keep you from success.

Instead be smart and realistic.

SMART goals anyone?

SMART Goals Download

Create goals you can achieve!

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Take a look at all the things you want to change and prioritize them. Pick a couple you feel are the most important and start there.

And by start there I mean write down the actions it will take you to accomplish those changes.

If your desired change is to lose weight, your actions may be to walk 20 minutes a day and stop drinking soda.

If your desired change is to reduce needless spending your action might be to only buy Starbucks 3 days a week instead of 5.

You have a better chance of being successful when your goals are small. As you accomplish one small goal, you can then move to the next and so on until you’ve reached all your goals. It might not happen by next week, but it will happen.

It’s the theory of marginal gains. If you can make a small 1% improvement daily, you will in time reach a significant aggregate increase. You can read more here.

Think about how these actions fit into your life today

Get yourself excited about the changes you are making. Think about how these changes will positively impact your life in the long run even if it’s hard in the short term. Take a few moments when start to feel yourself going in the WRONG direction to think about how proud of yourself you will be when you make the right choice.

Remember this. You can accomplish anything you see your mind to. After all, you have years of experience that has given you the tools to make your life fabulous!

The post In Pursuit of Fabulous Midlife appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

Depression is No Joke

I will give you fair warning that this post is a more heavy and depressing topic than what I would normally post. But it’s one I feel is too important to ignore.

Right after I decided to start this blog fashion designer, Kate Spade committed suicide. Known for her amazing handbags and accessories, she was wealthy, had a multi-million dollar business, and was a fashion trendsetter. She also had a husband and a 13-year-old daughter. She had a life any of us would envy. Yet she suffered from depression so badly she felt she had no other option but to commit suicide.

Soon after that another celebrity Anthony Bourdain commuted suicide. Such tragedies.

It can be hard to understand how someone, who on the outside seems to have it all, would do such a thing. Especially, when they have a child. But anyone who understands mental illness even a little bit knows that someone who is depressed truly thinks the world is a better place if they aren’t in it. Regardless of how amazing their life might seem. It doesn’t make their depression go away. Money truly can’t buy happiness. People who commit suicide do so because they finally reach a point where they don’t have the strength to keep going one more day. And that is so incredibly sad.

In several articles I read about her death it stated that the suicide rates over the last 20 years for women in mid-life had risen 60%. This completely piqued my interest since I’m in that range. I thought surely, that was an inflated number. There was no way it could be right.

I did more research and statistics ranged anywhere from 49-60%. Specifically in middle-aged women over 45-65. Showing me that unfortunately, those stats were right. I found it a scary thought.

SIDE NOTE: Men in this age range are also affected, and I do not want to diminish that in any way but for purposes of this post I’m focused on women. Since I am one.

Because the majority of my friends and I fall into the middle-aged demographic after the death of Kate Spade, we had a lot of conversation around the topic of women, stress, and suicide. And honestly, even without factoring in severe clinical depression, it’s no wonder that women in this age bracket struggle.

I look at a typical day of mine, and I’m juggling several jobs/projects, trying to be a kickass mom, a good wife, a good ex-wife, good friend, keep up on daily things like paying the bills and making sure my kids don’t starve. I worry about things that haven’t happened yet like college or a new roof.

My life is constantly go go go from sun up to sun down, and it’s stressful. Have I ever felt like suicide was my only option? No. But I have sat in my car and cried wondering how the hell I was going to get through the rest of the day. I have consumed an entire bottle of wine in one evening because I felt sorry for myself. All while knowing I needed to put on a happy face for the kids.

DISCLAIMER: I am not getting shit faced in front of my kids. That happens when they’re at their father’s.

I would be so bold to say all us women have days like this at some point. Some more than others but we’ve all been there. The one thing that does confuse me just a bit is women 50, 60, 100 years ago had it worse. In my opinion at least. I can’t imagine not having modern conveniences, running water, a Wal-Mart supercenter, and tampons.

So why are suicide rates getting worse?

I can’t answer that question, but the part I can play in all this is to listen and observe and be there for my friends. Even people who aren’t my friends. You never know what someone is feeling and when they might need someone to talk to.

I also feel if we practice self-care and know when we’ve reached our limit it’s ok to take a break. Go for a walk, take a nap, do whatever we need to reduce our stress and put things in perspective.

Building a circle of friends who you can lean on in times of need and who will help you get through life’s rough patches is important. Loneliness has also proven to contribute to suicide rates. Humans need companionship, and it’s so easy to get busy and put sustaining friendships on the back burner until you have more time. But then you wake up one day and realize you’re friends have drifted away, and in your time of need, you don’t have that close friendship circle. I’ve been there, and it made going through my divorce a lot more difficult than it needed to be.

My challenge to you today is to do at least one thing to help someone else. It will end up helping both of you!

Stay fabulous,

The post Depression is No Joke appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

Hello world and welcome to In Pursuit of Fabulous!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Hello world is the default post on a Word Press website. Typically, it’s a placeholder you remove when you post an actual blog post. However, I thought it the perfect way to start the first post of my new blog. So hopefully the WordPress folks don’t mind me using their line.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

The mission of this blog is to find the Fabulous in each day and most importantly in ourselves. All too often us women do a great job at finding the fabulous in others. But we fall short when lifting ourselves up and celebrating our fabulousness.

And we deserve it don’t you think!

I know I’ve struggled with celebrating my fabulous tending to minimize my accomplishments. Not wanting the spotlight on me. I don’t think I’m alone in that.
It’s easier to focus our praise and positivity on others than to talk about ourselves. Women are natural caregivers and especially when we have children all our energy and praise goes to them. As I get older and wiser (supposedly) it makes me realize even more how much I need to practice self-love and self-care. I’m worth it!

For a long time, I celebrated the anniversary of my 29th birthday each year when my birthday came around. It was more of a joke rather than a fear of getting older. Though this year I realized I was missing out by not embracing all life had to offer at this stage.

Which is what inspired me to launch a new blog.

This year I turned 47 and while I’m now closer to 50 than 40 I feel more amazing than ever. It surprises me how full of life I am when let’s face it. I’m closer to death than birth at this point. Yeah, I know that sounded morbid but it’s reality. I try not to think of it much but it’s true. I want to live my life to the fullest and be my most fabulous self. We all have a limited time on this earth and we need to make the most of it.

I’ve been blogging for years. I’m also a fiction author and run an online learning community for writers. I wanted to start this new blog lifestyle blog to focus on this fabulous thing called mid-life. A term I didn’t even realize existed until recently. Most of the time I don’t even feel my age. Mentally that is.

You will find a little bit of everything on In Pursuit of Fabulous. Life isn’t one dimensional and I often have shiny object syndrome. I’ve promised myself to be filter-free on this blog which is kind of exciting for me and a little scary. I don’t want to offend anyone but I also want to be 100% real and authentic.

If you’re interested in digging a little deeper into who I am and this blog here are some links.

About me

Books

Author education

I hope you’ll stick around and share this journey with me. No matter what stage of life you’re in you’re always welcome.

The post Hello world and welcome to In Pursuit of Fabulous! appeared first on In Pursuit of Fabulous.

New Release Diamonds & Disguises Presley Thurman Book #13

I’m so excited that FINALLY long over Presley Thurman mystery book #13 is here!

It’s been 18 months since my last Presley release, and I’ll try not to let so long go between releases again. I can say that book #14 Lawyers & Liars will be out this fall. And once you read Diamonds & Disguises, I know you’ll be anxiously waiting for the next one.

DIAMONDS & DISGUISES

Presley’s boutique Silk is finally exceeding expectations as is her relationship with Cooper. He just took on a partner to handle the traveling aspect of Sands Security leaving Cooper to run business operations from the home office in Chicago.

Finally, Presley and Cooper will be in the same city which means the one barrier they’ve had preventing them from taking their relationship to the next level no longer exists.

Is a marriage proposal on the horizon?

Just when she thinks things are running in the right direction, a customer is murdered at Silk, and someone breaks into Cooper’s office.

Can Presley find out who killed Susan and more importantly can Cooper find the traitor in his midst?

I’d love for you to join me on my Facebook page and purchase Diamonds & Disguises at the following places:

Amazon 

iTunes

Nook

Kobo

The post New Release Diamonds & Disguises Presley Thurman Book #13 appeared first on Laina Turner.