Lawrence Miles's Blog, page 7

Weekend Geek Quiz

Not necessarily a regular feature, I'm just in that sort of mood.

What do these four things have in common?
(a) The TARDIS chameleon circuit.
(b) James Tiberius Kirk.
(c) Kryptonite.
(d) Jedi Master Quinlan Vos.

Answer on Monday, or - more probably - when you use the internet.

Torchwood, Week Three

To be fair to Jane Espenson...

...most of the last season of Buffy was dull, inconsistently-characterised story-arc filler as well. Look, she wrote "Band Candy", she can't be all bad.

So here's something stupid and irrelevant to cheer us up. Which is best, Sutekh or the Decapitron? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_jD8vGlvzM&feature=related

Torchwood, Week Two

"Welsh On A Plane"

This programme is really stretching credibility. I simply refuse to believe that more than two black people work for the CIA.

Also, Sheldrake's morphic fields theory is science so bad that it's actually worse than saying "it's probably God or something" (c.f. "The Shakespeare Code", in which Davies-by-proxy is so paranoid about the idea of the Doctor believing in magic that he adds pseudo-science which makes less sense than interdimensional aliens having magic).

Nice chemistry, though. I mean the actual chemistry. I was tearfully reminded of Patrick Troughton making stinkbombs and killing giant crabs, although Troughton probably wouldn't have done the bitch-slapping.

Torchwood: Miracle Day

That was actually quite good.

Yeah... yeah, that was actually quite good.

Public Information Message

(Click to enlarge.)

Why I Could Never, Etc (Volume II)

Situation: the Doctor has just realised the truth about River Song.


"But... but that means..."

"Yes. It does."

(Long pause. Eventually, the Doctor shrugs.)

"Oh well. Anyway, things to do. There's something interesting going on in Metatraxiad-4C9, so -"

"Doctor, you don't understand! I... I'm Amy's daughter."

(Shorter pause.)

"And?"

"What do you mean, 'and'? I'm Amy's daughter."

"Yes, but how does that change anything?"

"What?"

"You're exactly the same character you were a few minutes ago. Not even a very interesting character, to be honest. And let's face it, since you're a time-traveller who's intimately connected with my adventures and yet who traditionally refuses to reveal her origins, it's not much of a shocker. So does your parentage actually make the slightest bit of difference?"

"You don't understand. I'm Amy's -"

"Yes, yes, yes. But I only heard about Amy being pregnant a few weeks ago, it's not as if it's a great mystery of the universe or anything. I mean, have we honestly learned anything here? Other than that story-arcs are a very poor substitute for imagination? Because I've spent most of my recent life watching people wave fetishistic hardware around in blue-lit hangars, and frankly I've got better things to do. The thing with the fossilised hand and the androgynous rock-monster in the catsuit was more fun than this, and that wasn't even one of the good ones. I've been thinking about that a lot in the last few weeks, for some reason."

"Doctor -"

"Not to mention the fact that I had to come up with another army of Old Monsters to live up to that whole Pandorica mess. I should've thrown in a Pink Tereleptil while I was at it."

"Doctor! Don't you even care about the part I play in your destiny?"

"Nnnnno, not particularly. You carry a blaster so that you can kill aliens on the spot, then spin it around before you put it back in your holster because you think it looks cool. What are you, Robocop? I'm quite honestly embarrassed to think I had anything to do with your creation at all. Also, that schtick of 'hilariously' killing someone who's standing behind you without even looking...? That's the sign of a borderline psychotic, you vicious little twit. No, you're just... you're just awful."

"You don't realise the consequences. They've taken me as a baby -"

"Good! Let's hope they bring you up with a personality this time. Now go away, and let me explore the universe with a minimum of pointless angst."

Doctor Who Re-Launch: Action-Figure Exclusive

For years, the Doctor has confronted the irregularities of space and time with nothing more than his sonic screwdriver. This was all very well when stories depended on scientific inquiry and believable characterisation, but it leaves him ill-equipped to deal with the modern, action-driven, high-octane version of the series. No surprise, then, that BBC Wales has announced plans to "re-launch" the character. As a spokesperson put it: 'If he knows he's going to be fighting a giant CGI mutant or an army of heavily-armed assassins in an explosive set-piece, then what kind of idiot just carries a screwdriver? Duh! Besides, 78% of our core audience demographic consists of punters who are likely to see an X-Men movie in its first week of release or queue up to buy Tomb Raider 3-D when it comes out.'Scripts are still being kept under wraps. But for marketing reasons, preliminary designs have already been passed on to Character, allowing them to launch their action-figure range at the same time as the debut of the Ultimate Doctor (TM). And thanks to a leak from this world of merchandising, we can present a sneak preview of things to come... 1. 4-D Visor. Internal head-up display automatically identifies any being, artefact, or exotic form of energy the Doctor may encounter, removing the need for tedious investigation or mystery. So as to "subvert" any head-up displays you might see in movies, this one is programmed to say something vaguely witty and English-sounding every one-in-six times the Doctor looks through it, like "a nice cup of tea" instead of "hyperdironic output at 84%". The other notable feature of the visor is that 'IT'S COOL!', as the Doctor will loudly exclaim when he puts it on for the first time.2. Who-erang. The bow-tie is edged with a unique Time Lord alloy of iron, silver (in case of werewolf attack), and timeywimeyum. Can be thrown to disarm villains, but not kill them, except when it becomes necessary to kill them every other week. In the season finale, it transpires that the timeywimeyum element allows the Doctor to throw the Who-erang through time: in the first half of a two-parter, he randomly hurls it into a corner and sees it vanish, but it appears in exactly the same place at the end of part two when the arch-villain's standing there with the doomsday trigger in his hand. Because the Doctor saw that coming, somehow. Or did he...? He denies it, so yes.3. Geography-Teacher-Chic Body Armour. All the protection of bulletproof neo-plastic and adolescent machismo, with a hint of eccentric Englishness that's apparently meant to justify its existence. Acts as a metaphor for the entire series. As an additional element of irony, jacket has elbow-patches made from the same indestructible material.4. UltraTARDIS Control. Finally, the TARDIS comes into its own as a truly chameleonic piece of hardware. By activating his belt-buckle mechanism, the Doctor can transform his mode of transport into a four-dimensional warship, able to hover over battlefields like an All-Destroying Harbinger of Doom (but still inlaid with blue panels, for branding reasons). He can then activate the TARDIS weapons arrays with mere will-power, via the telepathic circuits.5. Mark III HyperSize Sonic Screwdriver. Eight times as large as the previous version, and capable of firing a bazooka-width band of energy to rip apart the molecular bonds of opponents. (Note: definitely not a gun. Can only be used against targets whose molecular bonds are traditionally weak, like aliens or Nazis.)6. HyperSize screwdriver is also double-ended, allowing "it goes both ways" and "two at a time" innuendo when necessary.7. Evil Hand. Spoiler alert. At the end of the preceding season, the Doctor comes into contact with "anti-being", a perverted version of Time Lord biomass which infects our newly-resurrected hero with "the force of Absolute Dark". Throughout the new-look Doctor's first season, the contaminated hand becomes increasingly powerful, a story-arc which eventually results in what fans are already calling "The Darkest Doctor". (Darkest Doctor action-figure available Christmas.)8. Hypno-Whip. From the beginning, this production team's idea of visual storytelling has largely been based on the Indiana Jones movies. And now the Doctor can look even cooler than Harrison Ford, not only using the whip to bring down enemies who seem more or less human (and therefore can't be killed with the screwdriver), but also to engage them in a hypnotic mind-meld when it's convenient to the narrative. Like in "The Girl in the Fireplace", only probably less sexy.9. Adamantium Claws. (Optional.)10. Cyber-Boots. As part of the "darkening" of the Doctor (see point 7), the new-look Doctor will employ cyber-technology in the next season. Though he considers the Cybermen to be a moral horror beyond almost any other, he's still prepared to adapt their footwear into something that can literally "walk through dimensions", as long as there's angst or a long-term sinister consequence involved. Cyber-boots will also allow him to stamp on the throats of inferior beings, or anyone who tries to point out the difference between "drama" and "things happening very quickly".

Doctor Who Re-Launch: Action-Figure Exclusive

For years, the Doctor has confronted the irregularities of space and time with nothing more than his sonic screwdriver. This was all very well when stories depended on interested inquiry and believable characterisation, but it leaves him ill-equipped to deal with the modern, action-driven, high-octane version of the series. No surprise, then, that BBC Wales has announced plans to "re-launch" the character. As a spokesperson put it: 'If he knows he's going to be fighting a giant CGI mutant or an army of heavily-armed assassins in an explosive set-piece, then what kind of idiot just carries a screwdriver? Duh! Besides, 78% of our core audience demographic consists of punters who are likely to see an X-Men movie in its first week of release or queue up to buy Tomb Raider 3-D when it comes out.'

Scripts are still being kept under wraps. But for marketing reasons, preliminary designs have already been passed on to Character, allowing them to launch their action-figure range at the same time as the debut of the Ultimate Doctor (TM). And thanks to a leak from this world of merchandising, we can present a sneak preview of things to come...



1. 4-D Visor. Internal head-up display automatically identifies any being, artefact, or exotic form of energy the Doctor may encounter, removing the need for tedious investigation or mystery. So as to "subvert" head-up displays you might see in movies, this one is programmed to say something vaguely witty and English-sounding every one-in-six times the Doctor looks through it, like "a nice cup of tea" instead of "hyperdironic output at 84%". The other notable feature of the visor is that 'IT'S COOL!', as the Doctor will loudly exclaim when he puts it on for the first time.

2. Who-erang. The bow-tie is edged with a unique Time Lord alloy of iron, silver, and timeywimeyum. Can be thrown to disarm villains, but not kill them, except when it becomes necessary to kill them every other week. In the season finale, it transpires that the timeywimeyum element allows the Doctor to throw the who-arang through time: in the first half of a two-parter, he randomly hurls it into a corner and sees it vanish, but it appears in exactly the same place at the end of part two when the arch-villain's standing there with the doomsday trigger in his hand. Because the Doctor saw that coming, somehow. Or did he...? He denies it, so yes.

3. Geography-Teacher-Chic Body Armour. All the protection of bulletproof neo-plastic and adolescent machismo, with a hint of eccentric Englishness that's somehow meant to justify its existence. Acts as a metaphor for the entire series. As an additional element of irony, jacket has elbow-patches made from the same indestructible material.

4. UltraTARDIS Control. Finally, the TARDIS comes into its own as a truly chameleonic piece of hardware. By activating his belt-buckle mechanism, the Doctor can transform his mode of transport into a four-dimensional warship, able to hover over battlefields like an All-Destroying Harbinger of Doom (but still inlaid with blue panels, for sentimental reasons). He can then activate the TARDIS weapons arrays with mere will-power, via the telepathic circuits.

5. Mark III HyperSize Sonic Screwdriver. Eight times as large as the previous version, and capable of firing a bazooka-width band of energy to rip apart the molecular bonds of opponents. (Note: definitely not a gun. Can only be used against targets whose molecular bonds are traditionally weak, like aliens or Nazis.)

6. New bazooka-strength screwdriver is also double-ended, allowing "it goes both ways" and "two at a time" innuendo when necessary.

7. Evil Hand. Spoiler alert. At the end of the preceding season, the Doctor comes into contact with "anti-flesh", a perverted version of Time Lord biomass which infects our newly-resurrected hero with "the force of the Absolute Dark". Throughout the new-look Doctor's first season, the contaminated hand becomes increasingly powerful, a story-arc which eventually results in what fans are already calling "The Darkest Doctor". (Darkest Doctor action-figure available Christmas.)

8. Hypno-Whip. From the beginning, this production team's idea of "How to Do Drama" has been based on the Indiana Jones movies. And now the Doctor can be even cooler, not only using the whip to bring down enemies who are molecularly stable (and therefore unkillable with the screwdriver), but also to engage them in a convenient interrogational mind-meld! Which is what the whip does, and which is exactly the sort of thing Moffat needs when he gets stuck in a narrative corner, if we're going to be honest.

9. Adamantium Claws. (Optional.)

10. Cyber-Boots. As part of the "darkening" of the Doctor (see point 7), the new-look Doctor will employ cyber-technology in the next season. Though he considers the Cybermen to be a moral horror beyond any other, he's still prepared to adapt their footwear into something that can literally "walk through dimensions", as long as there's angst or a long-term consequence involved. Cyber-boots will also allow him to stamp on the throats of inferior beings, or anyone who asks whether this is just a sickly, amoral parody of Doctor Who designed to appeal to emotionally-stunted adolescents.

Why I Could Never Write for Doctor Who

Modern "emotive" drama requires its characters to behave in quite specific ways if the audience is going to gush properly, and a professional writer will bravely dispense with logical storytelling and/or consistent characterisation in order to get the full effect. Here we see a few examples of how the true pro handles things, and how the amateur (or even fan-fic-level) writer would be needlessly weighed down by notions of common sense or credible behaviour... Situation: The TARDIS has fallen down a big hole on a newly-discovered planet, and the leader of the expedition has made it clear that they don't have the resources to recover it. The Proper Version: "The TARDIS... is gone. We're trapped in this place and time forever. Oh, Rose... Rose, I'm so sorry." (Characters begin sobbing. Cue weepy Murray Gold music.) The Amateur Version: "Right. First thing we do, we get a lift back to the nearest human colony-world. I've got technical skills about eighty-kerjillion years ahead of anyone else in this era, so we shouldn't have any trouble scraping together a few million credits that way... hold on, what am I saying? If the sonic screwdriver can defraud Earth's banking system even in the year 200,000, then in this century I can probably just get the money out of a cash machine. Then we fund our own return expedition to this planet, and hire a drilling team to dig out the TARDIS. Should take, ooh, a couple of months at most?" "Yeah, whatever. I could do with a break anyway." Situation: The Doctor encounters a mysterious woman who treats him as an old, even intimate, acquaintance. The Proper Version: "Who are you? How do you know who I am? Why do you keep acting as if we're friends?!? AARRRRRGHHH!" (Cue forty-five minutes of angst and friction, in line with the standards of romantic comedy / action-movie Unresolved Sexual Tension.) The Amateur Version: "Who are you? How do you know who I am...? Oh, of course! I'm a time-traveller, we must know each other in the future. Surprising this doesn't happen more often, really. No, it's fine, you don't need to prove anything: believing in the decency of strangers is what I've been doing for the last six-hundred years or so, I don't see why I should arbitrarily start being all anxious and paranoid now. Right, enough of the pleasantries, let's put our heads together and work out how to get everyone here to safety." Situation: Meat-puppet doppelgangers have become self-aware. The Proper Version: "But... all those memories. Of when I was a little girl. They're real! They must be real!" (Cue weepy Murray Gold music. Sobbing intercut with shots of a speechless Rory, underlining the horror of the fact that he fancies her.) The Amateur Version: "But... all those memories. Of when I was a little girl. They're real! They must be real! Oh, wait... they are real, aren't they? I mean, when you think about it, every atom in the human body gets lost and replaced within about a decade. So one way or another, we're all copies of ourselves. The important thing is that at least one of me is alive, yeah? Wow. Had a wobbly five minutes there. But, y'know, I come from a civilisation that can wear artifical bodies like T-shirts. It's not like we don't have the cultural apparatus to deal with this sort of thing. God, you should see what we do with the Flesh when we're off-shift, it's just sick. Oh, like we're not going to think about that as soon as we're shown how to use the machinery? And just look what I can do with my neck now! Result. Listen, on that subject... I know you've got a girlfriend and everything, but this whole incident is teaching us to reconsider the boundaries between self and other. So I was thinking..." Situation: Due to some unimaginable flux in the timeline, Amy is simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant. The Proper Version: Anxious, obsessive glances at the scanner by the Doctor... who remains silent, but ever-alert to the forces which may even now be enveloping the TARDIS and its crew. The Amateur Version: "Amy, you know what you said about a baby with a time-head? Er, sorry. It might be true. I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but it is your body, and... well, if we're going to retain any pretence that you're an independent human being or that I have an ethical code of some description, then you've got a right to know. I kept looking at pictures of your womb, and it was getting stalkery. Besides, if I kept quiet about it, it'd obviously just go tits-up in the end." "Oh. Right. Well, um... I've sort of seen you die." "Really?" "Yeah. That horrible woman with the gun fixation? She burned your body and everything." "Ah! Well, we should probably investigate both of those things, then. They're almost certainly connected. Phew! Thank goodness we compared notes, rather than being icily mysterious for no morally or logically defensible reason."(Update 28/05/11: Yeah... all right, that's a fairly logical reason. But it's still really quite unpleasant. You see? I told you I could never do this.)

Why I Could Never Write for Doctor Who

Modern "emotive" drama requires its characters to behave in quite specific ways if the audience is going to gush properly, and a professional writer will bravely dispense with logical storytelling and/or consistent characterisation in order to get the full effect. Here we see a few examples of how the true pro handles things, and how the amateur (or even fan-fic-level) writer would be needlessly weighed down by notions of common sense or credible behaviour...



Situation: The TARDIS has fallen down a big hole on a newly-discovered planet, and the leader of the expedition has made it clear that they don't have the resources to recover it.

The Proper Version: "The TARDIS... is gone. We're trapped in this place and time forever. Oh, Rose... Rose, I'm so sorry." (Characters begin sobbing. Cue weepy Murray Gold music.)

The Amateur Version: "Right. First thing we do, we get a lift back to the nearest human colony-world. I've got technical skills about eighty-kerjillion years ahead of anyone else in this era, so we shouldn't have any trouble scraping together a few million credits that way... hold on, what am I saying? If the sonic screwdriver can defraud Earth's banking system even in the year 200,000, then in this century I can probably just get the money out of a cash machine. Then we fund our own return expedition to this planet, and hire a drilling team to dig out the TARDIS. Should take, ooh, a couple of months at most?" "Yeah, whatever. I could do with a break anyway."



Situation: The Doctor encounters a mysterious woman who treats him as an old, even intimate, acquaintance.

The Proper Version: "Who are you? How do you know who I am? Why do you keep acting as if we're friends?!? AARRRRRGHHH!" (Cue forty-five minutes of angst and friction, in line with the standards of romantic comedy / action-movie Unresolved Sexual Tension.)

The Amateur Version: "Who are you? How do you know who I am...? Oh, of course! I'm a time-traveller, we must know each other in the future. Surprising this doesn't happen more often, really. No, it's fine, you don't need to prove anything: believing in the decency of strangers is what I've been doing for the last six-hundred years or so, I don't see why I should arbitrarily start being all anxious and paranoid now. Right, enough of the pleasantries, let's put our heads together and work out how to get everyone here to safety."



Situation: Meat-puppet doppelgangers have become self-aware.

The Proper Version: "But... all those memories. Of when I was a little girl. They're real! They must be real!" (Cue weepy Murray Gold music. Sobbing intercut with shots of a speechless Rory, underlining the horror of the fact that he fancies her.)

The Amateur Version: "But... all those memories. Of when I was a little girl. They're real! They must be real! Oh, wait... they are real, aren't they? I mean, when you think about it, every atom in the human body gets lost and replaced within about a decade. So one way or another, we're all copies of ourselves. The important thing is that at least one of me is alive, yeah? Wow. Had a wobbly five minutes there. But, y'know, I come from a civilisation that can wear artifical bodies like T-shirts. It's not like we don't have the cultural apparatus to deal with this sort of thing. God, you should see what we do with the Flesh when we're off-shift, it's just sick. Oh, like we're not going to think about that as soon as we're shown how to use the machinery? And just look what I can do with my neck now! Result. Listen, on that subject... I know you've got a girlfriend and everything, but this whole incident is teaching us to reconsider the boundaries between self and other. So I was thinking..."



Situation: Due to some unimaginable flux in the timeline, Amy is simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant.

The Proper Version: Anxious, obsessive glances at the scanner by the Doctor... who remains silent, but ever-alert to the forces which may even now be enveloping the TARDIS and its crew.

The Amateur Version: "Amy, you know what you said about a baby with a time-head? Er, sorry. It might be true. I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but it is your body, and... well, if we're going to retain any pretence that you're an independent human being or that I have an ethical code of some description, then you've got a right to know. I kept looking at pictures of your womb, and it was getting stalkery. Besides, if I kept quiet about it, it'd obviously just go tits-up in the end." "Oh. Right. Well, um... I've sort of seen you die." "Really?" "Yeah. That horrible woman with the gun fixation? She burned your body and everything." "Ah! Well, we should probably investigate both of those things, then. They're almost certainly connected. Phew! Thank goodness we compared notes, rather than being icily mysterious for no morally or logically defensible reason."

(Update 28/05/11: Yeah... all right, that's a fairly logical reason. But it's still really quite unpleasant. You see? I told you I could never do this.)