Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 482

October 16, 2012: Baby, Birthday, and Chili Verde!

Fall is here. I think.

I was taking Jelly for a walk yesterday when I ran into my neighbor on her way to work.  It had been a while since we’d crossed paths. “You’ve lost weight!”she marveled.  I was about to tell her that I’d been working out, morning and night, in preparation for my annual Tokyo food tour.  But, before I could, she followed up with: “Are you sick?”. No.  Not sick.  But thanks for asking.

Alas, someone who IS sick is my mom’s cat, Baby.  The poor little guy has been unwell for quite some time and suddenly stopped eating yesterday.  Sis picked him up, brought him to her place, and has been nursing him since.  Apparently he has started eating again which is great news.  Sending good thoughts Baby and sis’s way.

Thanks for the birthday wishes.  Yes, it’s today!  How are you all celebrating?  Yesterday, I met up with Ivon who took me out for Vancouver’s best tacos at La Tacqueria (La Taqueria).

“It’s your birthday?  Oh.  This is akward.  Well…guess I’m paying for lunch.”

I was on my way back to the car when I noticed a text message from Akemi on my phone: “Where are you?”.  Then, just as I was reading the message, a call from Akemi.  Turns out that, after dropping her off downtown for her presumed class, she had taken the bus back and secretly picked up my birthday present.  The plan was to surprise me at home… except I wasn’t home!  So, in retrospect, it was kind of nice in that we were BOTH surprised.

My present: a water carbonator. After my evening work-outs, I like to drink something fizzy. So, it’s either this or gin and tonic.

I also received a little something from my best buddy in Toronto, Tara (tarayelland):

Heartfelt, no?  The bag of muffin mix in the background is an exceptionally nice touch.  And, to prove she’s my BFF, she did her nails with a birthday theme in honor of yours truly:

When was the last time my writing partner, Paul, did this for me? The answer: a loooong time.

Off for a special birthday dinner tonight.  No idea what I’ll be having but I doubt bean sprouts and a nice light fresh fruit dessert is in the offing.

Finally, for those who asked, I leave you with Cowboy Rob Cooper’s green chili recipe.

For your blog readers who asked.  Pass along my thanks for all the birthday wishes.
Chili Verde

Prep Time: 01hr 0 min | Cook Time: 2-3 hr 0 min | Makes: 10-12 servings

Ingredients:

1 large boneless skinless turkey breast or medium pork shoulder
2 andouille sausage
4-5 large poblano chilis
4 jalapeños
4 serrano
5-6 large fresh tomatillo or 2 cans
1 large onion
bulb of garlic
quart of chicken stock
tsp cumin
tsp salt
tsp pepper
tbsp sugar

Directions:

Lightly oil the onion – sliced thick, garlic (whole, skin on) peppers – cut in half, and roast. If the weather’s decent I do this on the grill. Gives a nice smokey flavor. Peel the burnt skin and removes seeds. I do this wearing rubber gloves! Don’t rub your eyes! Learned that lesson the hard way. Blitz the lot in the food processor until fine.

I also slice and grill the turkey or pork to give it a bit of color and flavor but not until done. Don’t want it to dry out. Then cube into small pieces.

Chop and brown the sausage in your pot. Render off excess fat. Add turkey or pork and continue to brown. At this point you could transfer to slow cooker. Add chicken stock, spices and veggie mixture. Cook on low for a couple of hours. Spiciness will depend on your peppers. Not hot enough for ya, add a few shakes of habanero sauce.

Serve over rice with a tablespoon of sour cream if you like.

Note: Traditinalists will scoff and say New Mexcio green chilis are the only way to go but these are unavailable in my area. Poblanos are easy to find. I do not advise substituting regular green peppers.

Source: My Collection

Tagged: Chili Verde, Chili Verde recipe, food

October 15, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl!

While watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl, monster reminded of great children’s movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Toy Story, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – and how very crap Shark Boy and Lava Girl be in comparison.  In fakt, dis movie so bad it even compare unfavorably to Elmo’s arts and crafts macaroni plate.  It be an incoherent mess of half-ass ideas, terrible dialogue, and a plot dat go nowhere and everywhere all at de same time. Apparently, most of movie’s concepts conceived by director’s kids.  Me believe it.  Me also believe dey probably wrote skript as well.  Monster can’t wait for director Robert Rodriguez’s cat’s movie.  Me have no doubt it will be an improvement on dis dreck.

Movie’s semblance of a plot involve character of Max, a boy wit supposedly incredible imagination, whose lame ideas come to life: Planet Drool, a villain called Mr. Electric, and, of course, Shark Boy Lava Girl.  He embark on some confused quest wit SB and LG dat first take him on ride on de Train of Thought (get it?), den a trip down a river of milk on a giant chocolate chip cookie only to be interrupted by giant versions of his mom and dad who eats deir ride.  What makes Train of Thought different from other plain old trains, besides fakt dat it be called Train of Thought?  What de point of de giant versions of his parents?  Why villain have power over elektricity?  Mebbe his persona be commentary on modern society’s reliance on energy?  Like almost everyting in dis movie, dere be no answers – or much logik.   Our heroes travel down de Passage of Time and, later, de Stream of Consciousness.  But so what?  Just giving dem clever names doesn’t make de scenes clever.  Even for a kid’s flick, dis movie a disaster.

Movie originally presented in 3D but Monster not have 3D version. Instead, me have Big Bird hold t.v. at groin level and hip thrust every ninety seconds.  Sadly, dis not improve viewing experience.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl be one unwatchable giant piece of Snuffleupagus poop.

Verdikt: Dis movie make less sense den Oscar de Grouceh’s post-Jagermeister speech at Ernie and Bert’s wedding.

Rating: 1/2 a chocolate chippee cookie.  And dat half be for de title which be best part of movie.

Tagged: Cookie Monster reviews The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, superhero movies, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl

October 14, 2012: Ice Cream Football Sunday! Birthday Cupcakes! And some winners!

Whaaaaaa???

Before you ask – no.  Sadly, my Snow Monkeys did not win this weekend.  Ah, what might have been…

If Trent Richardson hadn’t left the game with a rib injury.

If Brady Quinn had done a better job of looking for Dwayne Bowe.

If Dolphins wide receiver Brian Hartline hadn’t, apparently, missed the team bus to the stadium.

Anyway – as a result, the Snow Monkeys now sit at 2-4, along with 6 other teams, at the bottom of our 14 team league.  On the bright side, a playoff spot is still within reach.

Despite the loss, it was a good day overall.  The guys came over.  Rob brought chili and rice.  I made jalapeno corn bread.  Akemi made red velvet cupcakes.  And my first ice cream delivery arrived this afternoon!

“Ice cream delivery?”you ask.  ”Que’est-ce que c’est?”.  Why, I’ve joined Sunday Morning Ice Cream and am presently one of fifty subscribers who will be receiving a different flavor every Sunday in October.  You can read all about it here: http://scoutmagazine.ca/tag/genevieve-mateyko/.  Here’s hoping owner Genevieve Mateyko generates enough interest to warrant a full-time commitment to her burgeoning business.

Ice Cream Impressario Genevieve Mateyko delivers this week’s flavor: Blueberry Basil!

Bursting with blueberry flavor with just a pleasantly subtle hint of basil. Creamy, fresh and delicious.

But, before we got to the ice cream…

Lulu stakes her territory…and her special guy, Ivon.

Lulu flirts with Cowboy Rob Cooper.

No tongue!

Lawren all comfy and ready for some football.

Rob’s green chili.  I’ll never go back to regular chili again.

My jalapeno corn bread.

When it came time to making the red velvet cupcakes, Akemi asked me for a recipe from “The lady on t.v.”.   “Which lady on t.v.?”I asked.  She provided the following sketch:

Ohhhhh.  Paula Deen!

Et voila! Red velvet cupcake with cream cheese icing and coconut flakes.

Today also happened to be Rob Cooper’s birthday.  To celebrate, we made him cook us lunch and then presented him with some birthday cupcakes…

I didn’t have any candles so we used a giant match instead. Sadly, it flamed out before he got a chance to blow it out. But it’s the thought that counts.

The results are in and SG-1′s Window of Opportunity has been voted The Best Comedic Episode in Stargate History with a whopping 53.83% of the vote.

Thanks to everyone who voted.

And congratulations to the following lucky readers who have each won themselves a signed Stargate script:

StellaByStargate

and

Ryan (of Stitchsloft.com).

Congratulations!  Leave a comment with your email addresses (I’ll delete rather than approve it).

Cookie Monster asked me to remind everyone to watch Shark Boy and Lava Girl for tomorrow’s Supermovie of the Week Club discussion.  Or else he’s coming over to your place and kicking in your t.v.

Monster mean business!

Today’s entry is dedicated to birthday boy Cowboy Rob Cooper.

Tagged: Genevieve Mateyko, ice cream, Sunday Morning Ice Cream

October 13, 2012: Complain complain complain!

CHEESECAKE ETC.

Akemi had a hankering for dessert, so, once the dishes were done, we hopped in the car and headed over to Cheesecake etc. on Granville Street for a little post-dinner treat.  Now I’m not sure what the “etc.” stands for in “Cheesecake etc.” but, judging from our experience last night, you ca be damn sure it aint “exemplary service”.  Truthfully, the place has always had a bit of rep for its, uh, laid-back staff, so we weren’t expecting the royal treatment.  Still, we weren’t expecting the serf treatment either.

We walked in and were told we could sit anywhere.  After choosing a table a little off to the side, away from the crowded main area, we perused the menus, made our selections, then tried to wave down the waitress.  Unfortunately for us, she was too busy serving other customers, taking orders, seating NEW customers, taking THEIR orders and serving THEM while Akemi desperately tried to get her attention.  Clearly, that quiet side table had been a mistake.

And so we moved, abandoning our peaceful but forlorn little spot in favor of a table right in front of the hostess station and kitchen.  High traffic area.  Surely, they couldn’t miss us!  We sat and waited.  The waitress came and went.  The hostess chatted with someone.  We waited some more.  Finally, Akemi, fed up, suggested we leave.  I was a surprised.  The Japanese are known for their patience.  And their love of cheesecake.  But it wasn’t enough for Akemi.

And so, we gave up and headed home, cheesecake-less but inarguably wiser.  Next time, we’ll go for pie instead.

SAFEWAY/DIAMOND PARKING

I pulled into the Safeway lot, parked, then proceeded to do my shopping.  I always hit the same three places: Safeway, Whole Foods, and Market Meats.  And not necessarily in that order.  While Safeway is my stop for things like paper towels, cleaning products, canned pumpkin (keeps the dogs regular), and pantry items, Whole Foods offers more variety in the way of fresh produce.  Market Meats, on the other hand, specializes in the very best pork, beef, lamb, and veal.  If we’re in the mood for fish, then it’s off to Seafood City on Granville Island.

On this day, however, like so many other days, I was hitting the Safeay/Whole Foods/Market Meats trio.   We finished up and returned to the car where I noticed a ticket awaiting me.  According to said ticket, I had left the Safeway parking lot on food and, thus, had to pay a fine of $78.40 (or $61.60 if I paid within ten days).  I won’t even go into the legal authority Diamond Parking possesses to pursue collection or where the hell they came up with the fine of $78.4o (as opposed to, say $71.37 or $35.82 or even $7643.12).  Rather, I’ll just focus on the fact that, even if I do my shopping at Safeway, I’m expected to move my car around the block to metered parking the second I’m done if I plan to walk across the street to pick up a pork chop or – horrors of horrors! – two doors down to get some kale chips!

THE NFL BYE WEEK

Nothing but a transparent cash grab by the league.  The teams still play a 16 game schedule, but the fact that every team gets a weekend off means a 17-week television schedule which, in turn, means more money in the pockets of the NFL.  And what do the fans get out of it? Absolutely nothing.  In fact, they get the reverse of nothing: an agonizing weekend without their favorite team.  And if you happen to play fantasy football, it’s even worse because it plays havoc with your line-up – like, for instance, this weekend when my Snow Monkeys have to make do without their two best players, quarterback Drew Brees and wide receiver Marques Colston, unavailable.

THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL

Resident movie critic Cookie Monster is reviewing this one for our Supermovie of the Week Club.  Um, yeh.  Looking forward to his thoughts.

Polls close tonight!  Vote and then leave a comment on the poll page for a chance to win a signed Stargate script!

Take Our Poll

October 12, 2012: The Perfect Pork Chop!

Oven-ready!

I’m a big fan of pork chops, but usually only when I make them.  Like fireworks, dry ice, and raw milk cheese, the proper care and preparation of pork chops cannot be entrusted to just anyone.  Many high-end restaurants seem to know what they’re doing, while my buddy Rob, an avowed pork aficionado, certainly knows his way around a good belly rack.  Still, I’ve sat down to way too many disastrous attempts, overcooked offerings possessed of the flavor and intensity of pressed balsa wood shavings, to trust just anybody.

No, if I’m feeling in the mood for a good pork chop, then I’m making it myself – thanks to this tried and true recipe which borrows elements from America’s Test Kitchen to create: The Perfect Pork Chop!

1. Pick up a great pork chop.  I’d recommend berkshire or kurobota, the Cadillac of porks (or, if you like, the Aston Martin and Lexus’s of porks).  Make sure it’s a nice plump cut.  Your thinner chops will dry out far too easily.  I prefer a nice double-chop.

2. For an even more tender chop, I recommend brining your pork. Dissolve a cup of salt and a cup of sugar into enough water to cover the pork.  Refrigerate for at least 3 hours or overnight.

3. Remove your pork from the refrigerator about a half hour before you plan to cook it.  Rinse off the brine, pat dry, and let it sit for those thirty minutes to bring it to room temperature.

4. Season generously.  I mix together coarse salt, black pepper, garlic powder, paprika, thyme, and rosemary in a small bowl, and then rub it into the chop.

5. Flour your chop.  Ensure it is well-coated, then set aside while you -

6. Render down three strips of bacon in a pan.  Remove the bacon and set aside.

7. Turn the heat up to medium-high.  Add extra oil if necessary.

8. Reflour the pork chop and then, when the pan is hot enough, put the chop in the pan.

9. Sear for about 2 minutes each side or until you achieve a gorgeous golden crust.  Use tongs to sear  the fatty circumference as well.  Then, take it off the heat.

10. Smash a clove of garlic and set it atop the chop along with a sprig of fresh rosemary.

11. Drop a nob of butter in the still hot pan and, once its melted, baste the smashed garlic and rosemary with the butter and oil.

12. Put it in a 400 degree oven for 15 minutes.  You can use a meat thermometer.  Once it reads 140, pull it out of the oven.

13. Tent your pork (cover it with aluminum foil) and let it rest for ten minutes.

14. And serve – The Perfect Pork Chop!

If you do try it out, let me know how it goes.

Also, let me hear your thoughts on what was, in your opinion, The Best Comedic Episode in Stargate History.

Vote for your favorite episode and then leave a comment on the poll page for a chance to win a signed script:

Take Our Poll

Polls close Saturday at midnight!

Tagged: Perfect Pork Chop, Perfect Pork Chops, Pork, pork chop, pork chops, SG-1, SGA, Stargate, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: SG-1, The Perfect Pork Chop

October 11, 2012: My To-Do List! Vote for your favorite comedic Stargate episode!

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a writer.  And so, I sought out opportunities, worked hard, persevered and, today, I’m a writer.  This story would be impressive if not for the fact that, in addition to wanting to be a writer, I also wanted to be a famous detective and a starting cornerback for the Oakland Raiders.  Still, one out of three aint bad and, in retrospect, I picked the right one.

I may have realized that particular dream but there are many more that, for now, for whatever reason, remain on my life’s on-deck circle. So what are they and what’s taking me so long?

1. THE DREAM: Write a novel.

WHAT’S KEEPING ME?: I’m very disciplined when it comes to writing under a deadline, but not so much when I have all the time in the world.  Also, writing prose fiction is A LOT harder than scriptwriting. Believe me, I know.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?: Good.  I already have one work of (relatively) short fiction under my belt, the short story “Downfall” for the Lou Anders-edited Masked superhero anthology.    Granted, it took me about nine months to write, which doesn’t bode well for a comparatively longer work, but I’m sure I could get it done if I approach it with the same discipline I apply to writing scripts.  I already have a terrific idea for a mystery novel.  All I have to do is spend a month outlining it before embarking on a chapter a day pace.

2. THE DREAM: Becoming fluent in Japanese.

WHAT’S KEEPING ME?: My poor comprehension skills are a problem. Unlike most language students who have an easier time understanding the language than speaking it, I’m the time opposite – which severely inhibits my ability to learn.  I’ve been studying Japanese on and off for years now and yet, in that time, have only achived the verbal skills of a very polite four year old Japanese boy.  Yes, I have a Japanese girlfriend and that could help – IF she didn’t insist on speaking to me in English so that she can improve HER language skills.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?: Fair to good.  Either I move to Japan for a year (highly unlikely given the fact that it would be next to impossible to fly the dogs over with me) or start taking comprehension classes.

3. THE DREAM: Cooking classes.

WHAT’S KEEPING ME?: Sure, I can cook, and cook creatively, but I have yet to really master basic knife skills and sauces.  When I was on Stargate, I kept saying that, once the show ended, I would take a year off to attend cooking school.  As it turned out, I got busy with other matters and cooking school was never a realistic option.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?: Good.  Akemi is equally keen to take some cooking courses so that should force me to make the time.

4. THE DREAM: Travel.

WHAT’S KEEPING ME?: This year was supposed to be my travel year and, while we did hit Vegas and are planning to head back to Tokyo, many of the cities on my list will go unvisited in 2012: Hawaii, Chicago, New York, New Orleans, San Francisco.  I also briefly toyed with the possibility of doing a foodie road-trip, but had those plans quashed by an, uh, opportunity in Toronto.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?: Good.  Oh, I’ll get there eventually but it’s all work-dependent.  This year, I wanted to take it easy and focused on freelance writing over producing opportunities.  2013 is supposed to be the year I get back to full-time production but, hey, who knows?  If things don’t pan out, I’ll have the free time.

5. THE DREAM: Writing for comic books.

WHAT’S KEEPING ME?: Despite the year off, I’ve actually been surprisingly busy, trying to wrap up certain elements of my personal life.  At this point, it’s simply a matter of prioritizing.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES: Fair to good.  With the four-issue opening arc of my comic book series, Dark Matter, under my belt, I feel confident approaching (or, rather, having my agent approach) some of the big publishers.  Again, this will all come down to timing – and the relative interest of the decision-makers.

So, do tell.  What’s on your yet unrealized To-Do list?

Our latest Stargate poll is off to a rousing start.  I asked: What was the best comedic episode in Stargate history?

So far, 230+ fans have voted and SG-1′s Window of Opportunity has the early lead.  But there’s still time to rally behind your favorite episode.

Head on over here and cast your ballot, then leave a comment for a chance to win a signed Stargate script:

Take Our Poll

Tagged: SF television, SG-1, SGA, SGU, Stargate, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: SG-1

October 10, 2012: Looking ahead! Another Stargate poll! What was the best comedic episode in Stargate history? The Snow Monkey report!

To those of you asking – Yes, I fully intend to continue my trip down Stargate Atlantis memory lane by covering the fifth season and, eventually, offering some insight into the never-produced SGA movie, Stargate: Extinction.  I’ve planned a trip to Japan for early November, so that Akemi can visit with her family, and plan to resume my Stargate reminiscing when I return.  Our Supermovie of the Week Club will also be on hiatus while I’m away, not, of course, because Cookie Monster will also be away (We’re two completely different people after all.  Not sure what you were thinking), but simply because I’ll find it very difficult to hold him to his guest review commitments while I’m in Tokyo.

Received some terrific news from an old friend yesterday.  Turns out he’ll be retuning to Vancouver to run a new show.  Can’t reveal who or what yet but, suffice it to say, it’s great news and, in a matter of months, we’ll be chowing down – just like old times.  Akemi was positively thrilled upon hearing the news, marginally less so when I told her our friend would probably get his own place while in town rather than move in to our guest room.

Sad Usagi-chan.

It’s time for another Stargate poll – and another chance to win a signed script by voting and then leaving a comment on the poll page.

This month, I’m asking: “What was the best comedic episode in Stargate history?”.  Surprisingly, there were quite  a few contenders:

Take Our Poll

Vote, comment, and then tune in to this blog for a chance to win your very own signed script.

Congratulations! (c/o www.go-nagano.net)

Huzzah!  Following a horrible 0-3 start to the season, my Snow Monkeys have scratched and clawed their way up to a 2-3 record.  If the playoffs were held today, the Snow Monkeys would nab the 8th and final post-season spot in our 14 team league.  Despite the sub-par record, we’re the 4th highest scoring team with a tough-luck 5th highest points against.  In week #1, we would have had a record of 3-10 vs. all league opponents.  By week #2, our overall record would have improved to 5-8.  In week#3, we would have beaten 8 out of the other 13 teams (8-5).  10-3 was my overall record in week #4 and, by week #5, my Snow Monkeys boasted an impressive 13-0 record vs. all other contenders.  Now THAT is some rebuilding.  All that said, I face a tough match-up in week #6 against The Mighty Merkins given two of my best players (Drew Brees and Marques Colston) are on a bye.  Still, I’m confident in my match-ups: Josh Freeman and Doug Martin against a weak KC D, Hartline at home against the Rams in what should be a shoot-out, Jared Cook the ONLY Tennessee offensive threat, a harrassing Falcons D at home against the lowly Raiders, #2 ranked fantasy kicker Lawrence Tynes, heavily-targeted Dwayne Bowe and, best of all, running back Trent Richardson who I traded for last week and has been nothing short of spectacular!

What do you mean you don’t care?!  The Snow Monkeys are defending champions!   They just barely made the playoffs last year, snagging that final wildcard spot before running the table and shocking the world (or, well, our Stargate fantasy football league anyway).

GO SNOW MONKEYS!!!

Tagged: SF television, SG-1, SGA, Stargate, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: SG-1

October 9, 2012: In which the author recommends stuff!

You know what’s even better than discovering a terrific new book? Discovering a terrific new author.  All too often, I’ve come across books I’ve enjoyed only to be disappointed by subsequent works by the same author.  Not so with Jeffrey Ford, one of the most imaginative and consistently entertaining writers out there.  Several years ago, I was so impressed by The Empire of Ice Cream, a collection of some of his short fiction, that I decided to check out his other titles.  Nine books later and I’m still in awe.  His recent collection, Crackpot Palace, is another winner, taking readers on a wild, breathtaking, occasionally surreal, altogether marvelous narrative ride.

I don’t watch a lot of movies.  Ever since I got the basement home theater, I’ve avoided movie theaters.  And, ever since Blu-ray came out, I’ve avoided buying DVD’s.  So where does that leave me? Filmically bereft.  Still, I do manage to watch the occasional movie if I happen to catch it on satellite.  Such was the case with Drive, a movie I honestly expected to underwhelm but which, surprisingly, impressed. Mightily.  No, it’s not an action movie (in the Hollywood sense of the term) but the script is breathtaking in its conciseness, the direction gorgeous, and the performances outstanding.  What more do you want?

It’s DC Comics’ version of Hill Street Blues, a series that focuses on the lives of the dedicated officers who are tasked with cleaning up after the likes of Catwoman, the Joker, and, yes, even Batman.  Writers Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka deliver a gritty procedural that simultaneously grounds Gotham City and makes it come alive in a way I’ve never seen (or, quite frankly, believed) before.  With the exception of one questionable beat in which someone just happens to overhear a secret – uttered by a character who just happens to be talking to herself (!), it’s a tight, noir masterpiece.  The art, by Michael Lark and the others, is perfect.

So I picked up about a dozen titles on The Top 100 Mystery Novels of All Time list compiled by the Mystery Writers of America and have, thus far, read six.  All fine reads but I suspect that much of the praise heaped on these books are the result of contextual consideration, an evaluation based on the books as a product of their time, their strengths and weaknesses weighed relative to their historical significance rather than standalone works judged by more contemporary standards.  In five out of six reads, I found myself making excuses for some of the clunkier narrative elements.  The Talented Mr. Ripley was the exception.  Patricia Highsmith crafts a novel so engaging, so unnervingly suspenseful, that I skipped my bedtime and stayed up until 3:00 a.m. to finish it.  And, unlike most of today’s books, movies, and t.v. shows – it kept me guessing at every turn.

Tagged: Crackpot Palace, Drive, Ed Brubaker, Gotham Central, Greg Rucka, Jeffrey Ford, Patricia Highsmith, The Talented Mr. Ripley

October 8, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Elektra!

Dis movie as confused as monster at Grover’s bris after me down four shooters, tree oatmeal cookies (de drink, not de cookie), and six oatmeal cookies (de cookies, not de drink).  But me not de only one confused dat night.  Turn out whole party giant misunderstanding. Girlfriend tired of Grover being taken advantage of by telemarketers and aktually ask him to be circumspekt.

Anyway, movie begin wit Elektra killing some guy.  She so good dat even in totally inappropriate sexy red outfit, she able to sneak in, take out guards, and get her man.  Subtle she aint, but why need for subtlety when you have weird unexplained mind powers like ability to see future events, ability to see tings happening somewhere else, and ability to move around really fast and whisper in people’s ears.

Elektra given new assignment by her agent.  She move into cabin on de lake where she meet annoying kid next door and annoying kid’s handsome dad.  Even though she be secret assassin, she have no problem going over to handsome guy’s house for dinner and being all chummy.  Not make much sense but, hey, neither does sexy red outfit.

Elektra contacted by agent and receives assignment.  Turns out her target be…handsome guy.  BUT she not able to go through wit it.  Why not?  Becuz she a big softy – like most successful assassins.

Ah, movie love. So unmotivated and pointless.

BUT it turn out other assassins not so softy and handsome guy’s house attacked by ninjas.  Elektra fight to protect him and, every time she kill off a ninja, he disappear in a puff of green smoke.  Why?  Shaddap. You ask too many qwestions.

Elektra realize handsome guy and annoying kid are in danger, so she bring dem to her agent’s house so she can put HIM in danger.  And, later, killed when ninjas attack his place.

Elektra, handsome guy, and annoying kid on de run.  We find out annoying kid is wanted by secret organization called De Hand becuz…well, dis not really explained.  But dey want her!  Dey want her so bad dat Hand send five super assassins after her.

Worst Pyjama Party Ever

In one of movie’s many ridikulous sekwences, Elektra and co. chased into woods by super assassins.  One super assassin killed when tree lands on him.  Quick on his feet he aint, especially for a ninja.  Another assassin, Typhoid, kiss Elektra and give her disease.  Black leaves fall around dem.  But day is saved by good ninjas.  How monster know dey be good ninjas?  Becuz dey wear white of course!

Snatch dis shoulder from my hand, grasshopper.

Turns out white ninjas led by Elektra’s former master.  Back at master’s school, Elektra learns dat Master gave her assignment to kill handsome guy in order to test her.  Huh?

What me tell you about asking qwestions?!

Elektra return to house she grew up in.  We recognize it from annoying flashback sekwences dat appear throughout dis movie.  In flashbacks, we find out Elektra’s mother killed.  By Devil!  No.  By mysterious ninja!  No.  By leader of de super assassins.  But we not learn dis last fakt until final battle when leader shout: “Now you’ll remember.”  Why? Why now?

Why not you just shaddap and enjoy de movie. Or, well, shaddap anyway.

Careful. Don’t get yer foot all tangled up in de wires.

Elektra ending up killing super assassins, but annoying kid dies. Luckily, among Elektra’s never-explained powers is ability to raise dead people.  Wha-wha-what?!  But dat make absolutely no sense!

Shaddap.  You want movie dat make more sense, go rent Lost Highway.

Dis movie left monster wit a few questions.  Like who De Hand?  What Elektra’s connection to dem?  What’s Elektra’s master’s connection to dem?  Why De Hand killed Elektra’s mother?  What happened to her father?  Why she sometime have ability to see de future?  Why she sometime have de ability to see other places?  Why she only remember dat head assassin responsible for her mom’s death in de final seconds of battle wit him?  What really happened to little girl’s mother?  Why Elektra hired to kill father?  If was a test, what was de test?  Why me forced to watch such crappy movies?  Oh, did monster say me have A FEW questions?  Me mean A LOT!

Verdikt: Guilty of assault – on good taste.  And monster’s brain.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

Tagged: comic book, comic book movies, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster reviews Elektra, Elektra, est, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club

October 7, 2012: The kids

I was awakened at about 4:00 a.m. by what sounded like a cat in heat, a low, sustained moan that that trailed off and rose up, trailed off and rose up.  Eeeewoooooooaaaaahrreeeeooooooaaaaaaa!  ”Damn,” I thought, “it’s like that cat is sitting right outside my bedroom window.” And then I realized that the window was to my left while the caterwaul was to my right.  And very close.  I glanced over at Jelly who was sitting up on her pillow, staring back at me.  On cue, her tummy did a dead-on imitation of a cat in heat: Eeeewooooooaaaaaahrreeeeeeoooooooaaaaaaa!  And then she threw me the look.  You know what I’m talking about:

THE LOOK!

The look that says: “Look out!  I’ma gonna blow!”

I scrambled out of bed, threw on a t-shirt, a pair of jeans, scooped her up, and took her out to the backyard.  In the nick of time.

Jelly and I went back inside.  I propped her back up on the pillow, then crawled back into bed. I had just settled in comfortably when – scrtchscrtchscrtch.  Shakeshakeshake.  Scrtchscrtchscrtch. Shakeshakeshake.  Then, merciful silence.  For about a minute, at which point said silence was broken by: scrtchscrtchscrtch. Shakeshakeshake.  I looked down at Lulu, sitting up at the foot of the bed, head cocked as if deep in thought.  Beat.  Then, she scratched her right ear.  Scrtchscrtchscrtch.  And followed it up with her patented head shakeshakeshake.  Infection or just itchy?  A good dog dad doesn’t take any chances.

I sighed, crawled out of bed, found Lulu’s medication in the bathroom, returned to the room and cleaned her ears.

Ah. MUCH better.

I put the medication away, stepped back into the bedroom, and tried to crawl back into bed – only to discover Bubba had taken my spot. “Bubba,”I whispered reproachfully, not wanting to awaken Akemi.  No response.  He lay, sprawled out on my pillow, seemingly fast asleep. “Bubba.”  A little louder this time.  Still no response.  ”Bubba!”  He twitched.  And then I realized – he was just pretending to be asleep! “Okay, I’m coming to bed,”I informed him.  The tone of my voice no doubt let him know I wasn’t in the mood to play around.  With a sniff, he crawled off my pillow and slunk down to the foot of the bed where he loosened a huff ‘n snarfle, then curled up and dozed off.

Oh. This is YOUR spot?

Once I was back in bed, I checked the clock.  It was a little after 5:00 a.m.  I pulled the covers up and pulled my second pillow over my head. I was just about to drift off when -

Eeeewooooooaaaaaahrreeeeeeoooooooaaaaaaa!