Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 266

July 29, 2018: Recent Eats!

[image error]

The Classic (mushroom & lentil patty, in-house smoked portobello, queso, magic sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickles) and “Crab Cake” (hearts of palm & celeriac patty, tartar, lettuce, pickles) Burgers accompanied by Buffalo cauliflower and fries at Planta Burger.

Given the fact it’s impossible to get an Impossible Burger here in Toronto (ironic, no?), I thought we’d try the next best thing: the meatless burgers at Planta Burger. To be honest, they were…okay.  Texturally uninspired (I was hoping the “crab cake” would, at the very least, be crispy) and underwhelming in flavor.  The cauliflower was a disaster, almost half the deep-fried portions pure batter.  But the fries were pretty damn great!

[image error]

The “Uji Matcha” soft serve at Butter Avenue.

Devoid of any real matcha flavor, it really tasted more like a berry base (raspberry or strawberry?).  Refreshing, but a bit of a bait and switch.

The chocolate-coffee ice cream sandwich and roasted pineapple sundae at Aloette.

Had lunch at this casual restaurant on Spadina Ave. (the more laid-back sister of high end Alo Restaurant), and it boasts one of the best burgers in the city.  Also, some pretty good desserts including the aforementioned ice cream sandwich.  I’m not a huge fan of fruit in my dessert, but Natalie seemed to enjoy the pineapple sundae.  I did enjoy the butter cake portion.

[image error]

A chocolate assortment at Soma Chocolates‘ King Street West location.

Akemi and I go so often they should be charging us rent.  Akemi always goes with the bergamot and the jasmine, while my go-to’s are the pistachio and their award-winning peach magnolia.  Not pictured: my mocha and the primo Sicilian pistachio gelato.

[image error]

The Paris Brest at Le Select Bristo.

Here’s another place with a killer burger.  Most recently, we were there for brunch with our old friend Mackenzie Lawrence.  What better way to finish a meal than this glorious combination of choux pastry and praline cream.  Akemi is all about the choux while I’m all about the cream, so it works out perfectly.

Hey, are you following me on twitter at @BaronDestruco?  If not, you could be missing stuff like this:

#DarkMatter bloopers featuring…
The amazing @therogercross pic.twitter.com/VrriUsHver

— Joseph Mallozzi (@BaronDestructo) July 29, 2018

July 28, 2018: My Top 10 Toughest Episodes!

The other day, I did a rundown of the top ten episodes I had the most fun writing. Today, I switch gears to focus on My Top 10 Toughest Episodes.  Why were they tough?  Well, the the issues varied, ranging from script challenges to productions issues, scheduling headaches to post-production problems.

A few may surprise you…

#10

[image error]

Built, Not Born (Dark Matter)

Notwithstanding the fact that this episode turned out to be a fan favorite – and I ultimately ended up very pleased with the results – this one was a tough script to write and, at times, an even tougher episode to produce.  Plenty of twinning also meant long days that turned into nights, and one memorable Fraturday.

#9

[image error]

Prodigy (Stargate: SG-1)

The issues with this one were rooted in a fundamental disagreement in pre-production regarding the character of Cadet Jennifer Hailey.  In the end, I lost that particular argument and a character who was introduced as a potential recurring player faded into obscurity once the episode aired.

#8

[image error]

Shadowplay (Stargate: SG-1)

While I loved the exploration of Jonas Quinn’s backstory, the tale of his addled mentor never quite synced for me.

#7

[image error]

Welcome to the Revolution (Dark Matter)

This one had the misfortune of being overly ambitious – everything from scripts to sets, scheduling to extras conspired against us.  Ultimately a great performance by Roger Cross and some nice moments save the day, but it was a very tough time getting there.

#6

[image error]

Avenger 2.0 (Stargate: SG-1)

One of the last episodes my then writing partner, Paul Mullie, and I truly co-wrote (moving forward, although we would share onscreen writing credits, we would do most of our scripting solo), it’s one of those episodes you wish you could do-over.

#5

[image error]

Revisions (Stargate: SG-1)

Although I’m happy with the way this episode turned out (and include it among my favorites), I pitched a very different version of this story only to end up being steered in another direction.  I was not convinced it was the right choice.  Even while writing the script, I was not convinced – which made for a very unhappy process.  But, as I said, it all worked out and all it cost me was a little extra time…and some of my sanity.

#4

[image error]

The Fourth Horseman (Stargate: SG-1)

I don’t think I’ve spent more time in an editing room working on an episode than I did on this two-parter that proved an exercise in frustration.

#3

[image error]

This Mortal Coil (Stargate: Atlantis)

Another episode that turned out surprisingly solid despite the pains it took to get us there.  I was sent back to the drawing board multiple times on the script, writing, rewriting, and re-rewriting.  “It’s still a little bumpy,”fellow EP Carl Binder informed me following what must have been my fourth pass, couching his words in the gentlest way possible, no doubt fearing I was close to hurling my laptop out the window, and me after it.

#2

[image error]

Home (Stargate: Atlantis)

The network hated the first draft of this script and, to be honest, I don’t think they were ever particularly fond of subsequent drafts or the finished episode.  Given my hitherto solid experience writing for SG-1 those prior four years, the overwhelmingly negative feedback I received to this script shocked me. Fortunately, my next script for Atlantis, Siege II, was a much more positive experience.

[image error]

Prometheus (Stargate: SG-1)

When I got my first draft of this script back from Richard Dean Anderson and Michael Greenburg, I marveled at all of the check marks that adorned its pages. “No,”showrunner Brad Wright solemnly informed me – “Check marks are bad.”  Oh. In all fairness, I was never privy to Rick’s notes on scripts not my own but, at the time, I remember thinking I’d never seen him hate on a script so much.  Despite my attempts to address his notes, he simply never bought into the possibility that this ship could have been hijacked in the first place.  Throw in one of my, uh, least favorite guest stars in franchise history, and you have an experience I’d sooner forget.

Ah, but I’m sure tough times are not limited to television production alone.  Please, regale us with your professional lowlights.

June 27, 2018: Projects In Play!

So, yesterday, I offered a rundown of My Top 10 Funnest Episodes, simply put – the ten  episodes (out of the 100 or so episodes of television I’m credited on as a writer) I had the most fun scripting.  I decided to offer up the flip side and give you My Top 10 Toughest Episodes and have narrowed the list down to 13.  Some interesting candidates made the cut and I look forward to hearing what you think once I post the rundown in the coming days.

In the meantime, my various hobbies (aka side projects) continue apace:

This afternoon, I spent a few hours with the creator of a sci-fi show I may or may not be showrunning, breaking down the series engine and first season arc across those initial ten episodes.  For the first time, it’s really crystalizing for me in terms of creative direction and I’m genuinely excited, about the series and especially the opportunity to work with this individual.  Production Design and standing sets will, I believe, be our biggest challenge – but I have someone in mind who should help…

STILL waiting on the deal to close on that horror novel so I can start working with the author on an adaptation.  Not sure what the hold-up is but it’s getting a tad frustrating and the delay could very well take me out of running on this one.

Incorporated the network notes on that sci-fi series overview and pilot.  I now await notes from the production company.  Once I have those, I’ll do a final pass, make the final delivery and then it’s smoooooooooth sailing!

Also today, delivered the revised series overview for that small town horror series. The document, once a modest 10 pages, is now a robust 27.  I trust I’ve dotted ever i, crossed every t, and set up every pay-off.  I await the verdict.

Submitted pitches for two sci-fi series to a major comic book publisher.  Hoping at least one will captures their interest.  It’ll be fun to get back in the comic book game.

Received word my supernatural pilot (Hey, Jeff, you know the one I’m talking about) is about to be optioned.  Time to revisit, review, and reconsider a few things.

Two weeks from now, I start discussions and development on an original sci-fi series (tentatively titled, and I kid you not: “Untitled Awesome Project”).  It’s  classic Mallozzi SF: fun, relationship-driven, with an undercurrent of humor.  If you enjoyed my work on Dark Matter, and Stargates SG-1 and Atlantis, you’re going to love this.

Finally, there’s this new addition to the on-deck circle, the television adaptation of THIS comic book series by one of my favorite comic book writers.  I’ve been wanting to work with them for almost eight years now – and we’re finally doing it!

And I guess that’s it for now.  Eight firm, very promising possibilities.   Which one do you think will get the go-ahead?  Cast your vote!

Take Our Poll

July 26, 2018: Joseph Mallozzi’s Top 10 Funnest Episodes!

Oh, sure.  As a viewer, your mileage may vary.  But, looking over the list of 100+ episodes of television on which I’ve been credited or co-credited as a writer, THESE were the ten I had the most fun writing…

Honorable Mentions…

The Ties That Bind/It’s Good To Be King  (Stargate SG-1)

Yeah, it’s always the way.  You decide to do a Top 10, put together a long list, start narrowing it down and, in the end, you’re always left with 12.  So, rather than cast them aside, I include these two as Honorable Mentions, two scripts that were much fun to write but, to be honest, for one reason or another, didn’t fully deliver in the end.

#10

[image error]

Wormhole X-Treme (Stargate: SG-1)

No one can truly appreciate the banality, frustrations, and sheer ridiculousness of producing television unless they actually work in the industry…OR watch a show in which it is mercilessly lampooned.  Sci-fi handwavium, ruthless broadcasters, sexy female alien-obsessed executives – it’s all here.

#9

[image error]

Stuff To Steal, People To Kill (Dark Matter)

The only thing I love more than a good time travel episode is a good alternate reality episode, and this one was a blast delving into the colorful personalities of the badder versions of our bad guys.

#8

[image error]

Point of No Return (Stargate SG-1)

One of the things I loved about Stargate was the creative allowance it gave us to write humor.  I always reflect back fondly on this episode as one of the first instances in which we were just let loose to script the story as we envisioned it – conspiracy kook, Teal’c on the motel massage bed, and all.

#7

[image error]

Remnants (Stargate: Atlantis)

I’ve always been fan of multi-story scripts, especially when those seemingly disparate tales neatly dovetail at episode’s end.  Still, the highlight of this episode for me was Robert Picardo’s Woolsey,  a character who had come such a long way since his introduction back on SG-1.  He’d gone from pencil pushing jerk to principled ally and in this episode, his journey to redemption is fully completed thanks, in large part, to the terrific comedic timing of Bob Picardo who made Woolsey at turns vulnerable, sympathetic, and gosh darn lovable.

#6

[image error]

Kill Them All (Dark Matter)

What did I just say about those various moving pieces of the narrative ultimately falling into place?  Yes, in the worlds of Hannibal Smith: “I love it when a plan comes together.” and the moment FIVE utters this episode’s title phrase, it DOES come together in fast and furious fashion.

#5

[image error]

Ripple Effect (Stargate: SG-1)

This delightfully bonkers episode will forever hold a special place in my heart as probably my favorite episode of Stargate for its humorously bizarre instances involving varied AU SG-1’s, a dark timeline team, and that scene with Cam (Ben Browder) in his underwear.

#4

[image error]

Family Ties (Stargate: SG-1)

This one kicks off with a shot at Syfy’s failure to promote the show (Mitchell: “They cancelled it? Really? I didn’t even know the new season had started.) and ends with Teal’c unwittingly attending a reading of The Vagina Monologues (I remain convinced that, at that point, the network had stopped vetting the scripts because I don’t see how else they would have let this one go).  Fred Willard is a comic genius, Claudia Black gets to show off her expansive acting chops, and, oh yeah, more shots at Syfy –

[image error]

[image error]

#3

[image error]

Window of Opportunity (Stargate: SG-1)

Yeah, you knew this one was going to be in the Top 3.  The original pitch for this episode was quite dark, but Executive Producer Robert Cooper steered us toward a more comic take.  After listening to his notes, I said: “But that’s Groundhog Day.” To which he replied: “Right.”  And so, we went ahead and wrote the Stargate version of Groundhog Day – which ended up being one of the franchise’s most beloved episodes.

#2

[image error]

Isn’t That A Paradox? (Dark Matter)

By this point in the series’ run, I was in a writing groove pretty much wholly due to my wonderful cast.  I knew that whatever I wrote for them, they would deliver – and boy did they ever.  TWO’s heartfelt yearning for the quiet life, THREE’S suburban rogue, a reminder that our FIVE is still very much a kid, SIX’s bike mastery, and Android’s not-quite-know-it-all attitude – all combine for an episode that, more than any other, leaves me with bittersweet memories of a show ended way too soon.

#1

[image error]

All The Time In The World (Dark Matter)

Was there ever any doubt?  I wasn’t even working off an outline when I sat down to write this script but from the moment I started, I was on fire, blazing through a first draft  with almost no interruption.  I was in the zone and this one came together beautifully in all of a day (A record!).  Whenever I watch the THREE/Android duet, I get downright wistful at the thought of where these two characters were headed had our audience been rewarded for tuning in.

July 25, 2018: Week’s Best Comic Book Covers!

These were my favorites…

[image error]

Descender #32 (cover art by Dustin Nguyen)

[image error]

Marvel-Two-In-One #8 (cover art by Jay Anacleto)

[image error]

Multiple Man #2 (cover art by Marcos Martin)

[image error]

Saga #54 (cover art by Fiona Staples)

[image error]

Punisher #228 (cover art by Clayton Crain)

[image error]

Wonder Woman #51 (cover art by Stanley “Artgerm” Liu)

What do you think – and what did I miss?

July 24, 2018: Mailbag!

You have questions?  I have answers!

Unending One writes: “Any rumblings on the stargate front? I saw at the Comic Con panel they said the “wheels are turning”.”

Answer: Oh, I’m sure the wheels are turning and there are definitive plans to bring Stargate back for a fourth series.  What form said series will take remains to be seen.  Alas, I’m on the outside looking in on this one.  I get the sense that MGM has no plans to collaborate with the former writer-producers of the television franchise.

Jenny Blood writes: “Say you’re with a channel and your show gets renewed for another year. Since many times it’s just year to year, do you ever write an alternative ending for the season finale in the event the show doesn’t get picked up for an additional season?”

Answer: I suppose it depends on the show.  Dark Matter was very much a serialized series designed with cliffhangers in mind (we’d often do two to end an episode).  If, say, the show hadn’t been performing as well as most of the rest of the syfy slate, I would have considered not ending on a cliffhanger but, as I’ve pointed out, it was one of the network’s most watched shows at the time of its cancellation and I figured they’d either be stupid or petty to cancel us.

maggiemayday writes: “So, margaritas and pina coladas, rocks or blended?”

Answer: Rocks.

BoltBait writes: “Joe, have you ever gotten in trouble for blogging? Or, I don’t know, had a deal fall through because of your blog? Do TPTB know you blog?  Or, is your blogging viewed as a positive thing by the networks?”

Answer: I’ve always positioned this blog as an opportunity to highlight and publicize, draw attention to upcoming projects and keep attention on ongoing productions.  There’s a difference between teasers and spoilers and I’m always mindful of that fine line.  But, in answer to your question, no, never “gotten in trouble”.  On the other hand, there have been times when some have expressed displeasure with something I’ve written.  There have even been times when people have been upset with what I have conspicuously NOT written.  For the most part, however, productions view the blog as a positive in this social media age.

Matt writes: “Hi Joe, long time reader first time question answerer. You have alluded many times you didn’t intend to lose one during dark matter. Can you explain what happened ? Was there a scheduling conflict or did the actor find a new role?”

Answer: Neither.  I was asked to kill off the character to “shake things up”.  At the time, I was waging creative war on multiple fronts and that was one battle I realized I would have a difficult time winning.  Ultimately, I agreed because I saw some creative opportunity there and felt that, unlike the other characters, ONE’s death could still, foreseeably, keep actor Marc Bendavid (who I love) in play as Jace Corso.

arcticgoddess writes: “I’m curious as to why you have chosen pugs as your pet of choice? What is it about the little furries that so appeals? Also, how do you choose a new family member? Uh, I don’t mean Akemi.”

Answer: My ex had a thing for pugs and after getting our first, Jelly, well – they’re like peanuts; you can’t just stop at one.  They’re delightfully lazy and needy and hungry and love nothing better than to snuggle with you and just chill.  What more could you ask for?

arcticgoddess writes: “Oh, also, to my comment on Twitter the other day, when you said you are not a celebrity… A celebrity is a person who is well known. I’m not well known, but you are. So… why, Joe, why are you not a celebrity?”

Answer: When I think of celebrities, I think of bigger than life individuals who gravitate to the spotlight.  That is definitely not me.  Given the choice of attending a star-laden gala or staying home and reading a book, I’m staying home.  It’s not even close.

Stargate writes: “Is there any news on any new Stargate TV shows, movies, or web series? If so, are they talking about a continuation of the original movie, the TV show(s), another prequel, or a reboot?”

Answer: As I said above, I’m out of the loop, haven’t heard any updates.  But, when the time comes, I’ll be very surprised if they go with a reboot because, if they do, they risk alienating a significant portion of the fanbase.  Also, I am personally not a fan of prequels.

Savannah writes: “You’ve had lots of dogs, but have you ever had or considered getting a cat?”

Answer: Love cats too, but I just prefer doggy personalities.

Tam Dixon writes: “Do you have to take precautions while cooking those hot sauces? The fumes must be asthma inducing and a huge eye irritant. I hope you wear goggles and gloves!”

Answer: No precautions outside of a good fan.  I’m tough.  I can take it!

Larry Desemone writes: “You sample many dishes around the globe. Ever had full on, scary food poisoning? Or do the peppers kill everything?”

Answer: I was once so sick that I lose 15 lbs in a week!  The lesson = never order the snake soup at the Hong Kong airport.

klb9037 writes: “It’s very impressive how your able to have so many projects in play at the same time. As I follow along via your blog, I think I get an idea of the amount of work that goes into one of your show proposals. Are you able to recycle some of your ideas? I keep thinking about all that work and how fickle television seems to be…. Are you ever concerned that one of your proposals will be pirated? A few details changed here and there, but your basic premise shows up under another persons name?”

Answer: No idea is ever really dead…unless, of course, someone else does it.  At which point it’s dead…for a few years until another producer decides to do something only slightly different.  So, yes, I do keep those various ideas stored away for future fodder if they don’t fly the first time around.  And, sure, the possibility of someone appropriating your ideas is always in the back of any freelancer’s mind.

rissreader writes: “Have you ever had brocolette from Earthbound Farm?”

Answer: I haven’t.  Good?

BoltBait writes: “Do you prefer graphic novels?”

Answer: I don’t prefer graphic novels but I certainly don’t consider them of lesser worth than novels.  Of the 235 books I’ve read to date this year, roughly 25% are graphic novels – some great ones, some bad ones, and mostly in between.  My batting average with other books is about the same.

“Which style of graphic novel do you prefer, American style or Japanese style of story telling? Long form or short form?”

Answer: I prefer trade paperbacks, 1-6 issue collections of single issues.  I like manga, but prefer North American comic books.  I want to make it a point to read more European comics as well.

“Have you ever read the book Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud?”

Answer: I have.  Ages ago.

“Have you ever had one of your works critiqued by one of the authors you’ve reviewed?”

Answer: Sure.  I try to maintain a regular online presence, especially on twitter, and have been fortunate enough to connect with various writers, more than a few of who were familiar with my work as well.  A surprising number of Stargate fans aligned in the SG-1/Atlantis or Universe camps.  Also, quite a few fans of Dark Matter, some very honest about what worked for them and what didn’t.  As always, I appreciate the time they took to watch the show and comment.

July 23, 2018: Baron’s Book Blog Blab Vlog – Episode #2!

July 22, 2018: The Sunday Report!

[image error]

Hey who is that throwing another shrimp on the barbie?

[image error]

Why, it’s former Dark Matter line producer Norman Denver, host of the (soon to be) Annual Norman Denver Invitational Barbecue and Booze Fest.  On the menu today: shrimp, steak, sausages, Chicken Adobo, corn, broccolini, assorted Italian pastries, and an 18 year old scotch I didn’t get around to sampling.  The table’s highbrow conversation covered everything from the arts to wine to that time our Stargate costume designer washed Jason Momoa’s jeans, much to his chagrin.

Gimme some sugar, baby.

Well, rainy day today – which allowed me to complete my polish of that sci-fi script, delineate the issues that need to be tackled on that horror script, and consider the story and character arcs for that OTHER sci-fi script.  Oh, also recorded the second installment of Baron’s Book Blog Blab Vlog, finished up on Handmaid’s Tale season 2, and read another book.  The dogs, on the other hand, were miserable.

[image error]

Still raining!  Have you SEEN two more despondent-looking furballs?

Hey, who’s up for a little Q&A?  Got some questions?  Post them in the comments section. I’m in the mood for another mailbag!

July 21, 2018: The Saturday Report!

[image error]

Well well well.  Look at who Akemi and I ran into on our way to lunch today.  None other than celebrated auteur, director, producer, writer, amateur boxer, and avid cyclist Cowboy Bruce McDonald!  He’s jetting off to Luxembourg for a week to finish post-production on his latest movie, then returns to Toronto for more work – and lunch with yours truly.  As most of you blog regulars know, I am a huge fan.  He is immensely talented, a true professional, and a genuinely nice and thoughtful guy. Why, just check out these perfect pencils he sent me on the heels of Dark Matter‘s third season wrap –

[image error]

Truer words have never been spoken – or printed on the body of a writing instrument.  He knows me sooooooooooo well.

Running into him was a bit of a coincidence as I happened to come across his name plate during yesterday pre-pre-PRE-production location tour of a nearby studio. The place has a lot to offer – maybe a little too much as we’ll have to pick our spots, write to them, and then let our Production Designer do their thing.  The premise of this sci-fi series offers plenty of room for visual interpretation of its retro-future feel.

[image error]

Went to Portland Variety the other day for lunch to try out their $19 burger.  Great bun but, damn, they cooked the shit out of that patty!  I could only manage three bites before giving up and heading over to the nearby Burgers Priest for a deliciously superior cheeseburger at one third the price!

[image error]

Today, Akemi and I had lunch at a place called Egg Bae in Toronto’s Kensington Market.  It offers about a half dozen egg-themed sandwiches served on a peculiar house-made egg bun.  Quite good.  I remain unconvinced by that bun however.

[image error]

Then, it was off to the newly-opened Pappa Roti cafe for their trademark Malaysian specialty – “delicate, coffee caramel coated crunchy on the outside pastry with its rich buttery filling”.  We were frequent customers back in Vancouver.  Akemi is a huge fan of their simple bun, while I prefer their version of the ice cream sandwich –

[image error]

Today, I sit down to review potential series, story, and character arcs for one series, complete the pass on that polish for another, and wrack my brain over the series pitch for yet another and seriously wonder whether I’m just beating my head against a wall on this one.  It’s like every time I near the finish line, it gets moved back a half mile.  And, after this latest setback at the end of a lengthy marathon session, I’ve just stopped seeing it.  Do I suck it up for one final burst, or pack it in and move onto the next race?  I’m taking the weekend to think about it.

Also, I’ve got books to read and review!

July 20, 2018: Audition Pet Peeves!

You spent all weekend studying those sides, preparing for that audition – hours upon hours upon hours.  And then, when the day comes, you are in the zone.  You NAIL IT!  You head home feeling great, certain you got the role.  You tell your friends, your mom (She’s been a longtime fan), your significant other (Looks like you’ll have to reschedule that trip!).  You’re feeling GOOD!

Until the following day when your agent calls you to inform you the role went to someone else.

[image error]

You’re shocked, then angered, then depressed.  Perhaps this is the final straw and you’re considering throwing in the towel, giving up those dreams of stage and screen for that full-time position in the accounting department of your uncle’s wholesale-retail-import-export company.

But wait!  Before you make any rash decisions, I want you to know that, in all likelihood, you weren’t to blame for not getting that role.  From my 22+ experience in casting, I can honestly say that the majority of the time, my final decision hinged NOT on what an actor didn’t deliver, but what other actor DID.  So don’t beat yourself up.  More than likely, you didn’t come up short.  Someone else just happened to deliver the perfect audition.

It’s not you; it’s us.  Or the other guy/gal.

THAT’s the case 90% of the time.  The other 10% of the time, it IS you.  So please try to avoid these auditioning faux pas:

1 – Don’t show up high or drunk.

I know, I know.  It seems like a big ask.  And while you may think that smelling like a medical marijuana dispensary is a small price to pay for mental acuity, the reality is you come across as unfocused and meandering or, in one memorable instant, so stoned out of your gourd you stared off blankly into space for a full minute before being prompted into action with a “Whenever you’re ready!”

2 – Don’t gesticulate wildly.

Are you also signing your audition for the hearing impaired?  If the answer is no, then calm the fuck down.  Nothing diffuses a performance faster than windmilling arms and frenetic hand gestures.  On the other hand, nothing quite impresses like a composed, controlled delivery.  As my old friend director Peter DeLuise used to say: “Use the stillness.”

3 – Pronunciation is key.

I don’t necessarily expect you to have watched the show you’re auditioning for or, failing that, use your mind reading abilities to guess the correct pronunciation of names, places, and varied alien species – but if you’re not going to do either of the aforementioned, might I suggest you simply ask for clarification before launching into that soliloquy.    “Oh that this too sullied feltch would malt.”

4 – Please, no funny accents.

Unless the role calls for one, or you are asked to do one on the day, please avoid the Clouseau-esque delivery – especially if you’re auditioning for the part of the extraterrestrial curator of some alien world.  Trust me on this one.

5 – Go back in time and reconsider your decision to get those tattoos.

Perhaps, back then, you didn’t envision an onscreen career in which you might have to audition for a historical drama or the role of “Dreamcatcher Tattoo-less Entrepreneur”.  Maybe, at the time, those finger tats, misfit skulls, and Chinese characters (actual literal translation: “Contents may have shifted during flight”) would have been just fine for that bank job (and I mean that in both possible senses).  Fortunately, this isn’t a dealbreaker as the magic of make-up has come a long way in its ability to transform elaborately inked skin to its unblemished original state.  Witness this wizardry firsthand – as you undergo the process at approximately 4:00 a.m., a good two hours before your call time.

Off the top of my head, that’s it.  But I’m sure more will come to me after I publish this entry.

Or the next time I’m casting a show.