Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 469

March 9, 2013: Recommended Reads!

I am what my old college professor used to refer to as “a voracious reader”.  I read A LOT – anytime, anywhere – usually for a couple of hours every night before going to sleep but, occasionally, while I’m waiting for appointments or for my significant other to finish shopping or for the traffic light to turn green.  And yet, for someone who reads as much as I do, you would think I would be able to recommend far more great titles.  The truth is, I’ve read many good books, many bad books, and many more average books, but few GREAT books.  The type of books that keep you up until two or three in the morning.  The type of books you recommend to friends because you want to vicariously re-experience the joy of discovery through them.

Over the years, every so often, I’ll offer up a list of recent reads I’ve greatly enjoyed.  Past recommendations have included (but not been limited to): Frank M. Robinsons’ The Dark Beyond the Stars, Joe Abercombie’s First Law Series, George R. R. Martin’s Ice and Fire series, Iain M. Banks’ The Player of Games, Inversions, and Use of Weapons, Thomas M. Disch’s Camp Concentration, Ted Chiang’s Stories of Your Life and Others, William Goldman’s The Princess Bride, Jeffrey Ford’s The Empire of Ice Cream, The Fantasy Writer’s Assistant and Other Stories, Elizabeth Moon’s The Speed of Dark, China Mieville’s The Scar, John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War and The Android’s Dream, Charles Stross’ Glass House, Fast Forward 1: Future Fiction from the Cutting Edge edited by Lou Anders, John Steakley’s Armor, John Varley’s The Ophiuchi Hotline, Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events, The SFWA European Hall of Fame collection, Roger Zelazny’s Lord of Light, the writings of David Sedaris, Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora, Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, Jason Aaron’s Scalped, Matthew Woodring Stover’s Heroes Die, Jonathan Barnes’ The Somnambulist, the writings of Jeffrey Steingarten, Christopher Moore’s Fool, Stephen King’s Misery, David Benioff’s City of Thieves, Helen Simonson’s Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, Gotham Central by Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka, Lost At Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries, The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry – also by Jon Ronson, and One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  A fairly eclectic mix, no?

Well, today, I’d like to add a few titles to that list…

CONJURE WIFE by Fritz Leiber

A college professor discovers his wife is a practicing witch.  Dismissing the very notion of magic as superstitious nonsense, he convinces her to give up her mystical pursuits.  She reluctantly agrees, destroying her protective charms.  Soon after, however, the professor’s luck takes a turn for the worse and he quickly realizes that his wife isn’t the only would-be witch in town.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS by Sara Gruen

The fact that it’s filed under Historical Romance lead me to dismiss this book, but I picked it up on a lark last week.  I read the first 100 pages the night before last, then ended up finishing the last 25o pages last night.  A 93-year old nursing home resident reflects back on his youth during The Great Depression.  At age 23, following the sudden death of his parents, he decides to forego his final exams at Cornell to join the circus.  It’s a tale both touching and tragic peopled with memorable characters like the circus’s ruthless owner Uncle Al, a seemingly obstinate elephant named Rosie and, my favorite, a lonely dwarf named Kinko.

RELIC by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

Despite the great things I’d heard on this blog by several of you, I avoided this book because I erroneously assumed it was park of a steampunk detective series.  Also, I prefer standalone novels.  As it turns out, I was wrong about both – the assumption that it was a steampunk detective series AND the fact that I preferred standalone novels.  Relic is a great introduction to one of the greatest characters in the mystery genre, Federal Agent Aloysius Pendergast, and a wonderfully suspenseful read to boot.

In addition to reading novels, I’m also following a few comic book titles as well.  I’m reading enjoying:

DAREDEVIL: END OF DAYS (limited series) written by Brian Michael Bendis

My favorite ongoing title is a gritty, noir thrill-ride that will, sadly, end in two issues.

THOR written by Jason Aaron

I’ve never been a fan of the God of Thunder, but all that changed when Jason Aaron took over writing duties on the book.  Aye, verily!

ULTIMATE SPIDERMAN written by Brian Michael Bendis

I was dubious about the new (alt. universe) Spiderman but Bendis has won me over with his gift for character and dialogue.

NEW AVENGERS written by Jonathan Hickman

Loved Hickman’s run on The Ultimates and love what he is doing here. One of the most engagingly complex super-themed titles out there.

HAWKEYE written by Matt Fraction

A unique take on the cape and cowl genre focuses on the life of Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye, when he isn’t hanging out with his fellow Avengers.

ALL NEW X-MEN written by Brian Michael Bendis

Past and present collide when the original X-Men travel to the future and meet their contemporaries led by Wolverine.

UNCANNY X-MEN written by Brian Michael Bendis

The flipside to the All New X-Men focuses on Cyclops and his rebel faction as they attempt to recruit new mutants to their cause.

DAREDEVIL written by Mark Waid

One of my favorite comic book characters written by one of my favorite comic book writers.

THE INDESTRUCTIBLE HULK written by Mark Waid

Bruce Banner, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?  An intriguing new take on the un-jolly green giant.

DEADPOOL ILLUSTRATED written by Cullen Bunn

The merc with the mouth kills his way through the classics.  In issue #1, he took down Ishmael and Moby Dick.  In the latest issue, he goes toe to toe with Tom Sawyer.  What’s not to love?

DEADPOOL by Brian Posehn

Actor/comedian Brian Posehn shows off terrific comic book writing chops as he pits Deadpool against a murderous ghosts of dead presidents.  Take that, Lincoln!

March 8, 2013: A word of advice! Campaganolo with Carl!

If there’s a single word of advice I would offer anyone thinking of becoming a writer for film and/or television, it would be: “Don’t”.  Don’t do it.  Spare yourself the aggravation.  The endless waiting.  The incessant disappointments.  The interminable meetings that never seem to reach a consensus, even when it appears as though consensus has been reached.  The nonsensical, often contradictory notes.  The long days and even longer nights spent working on your script, be it on your laptop, when you’re driving, or while you’re lying in bed. Seriously.  There are far more respectable and satisfying ways to make a living.  Bee wrangler comes to mind.

Moving on…

Hey!  Guess who Akemi and I had dinner with last night?  THESE guys -

Ivon Bartok

Robert Cooper

And special guest star: Carl Binder

Yes!  Our friend Carl Binder is back in town and so, last night, we got together for a terrific meal at Campagnolo Restaurant.  Among the evening’s culinary highlights:

Bruschetta with canellini beans, dry cured ham, and mozzarella cheese.

Large Salumi Platter – chef’s selection

Potato Gnocci with braised beef cheeks, broccoli, and fontina d’aosta.

Spaghetti al Pomodoro with tomato sauce, garlic, olive oil and basil.

Almond Cake with cream cheese mousse, preserved peaches, and brown butter.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to birthday boy Ivon Bartok!

Tagged: Campagnolo Restaurant

March 7, 2013: What’s up with Bubba?

What’s up with me?

Okay, all you closet animal psychologists – I require your expertise. Something is up with my pug, Bubba.  I noticed a slight change in his behavior couple of months back.   Always a terrific walker, he had started lagging, sometimes stopping altogether and refusing to budge. What I at first assumed to be the effects of old age (he’s ten now), I eventually chalked up to hard-headedness as it soon became apparent that he only proved obstinate on the way back home.  Leaving the house was no problem at all.  Heck, the behavior he displayed at the start of each walk was downright puppy-like, barking, bounding about, scampering down the sidewalk with such purpose you’d think he was running some errand only he was privy to.

Eventually, it became part of his routine – the excited exit inevitably followed by the reluctant return – and I didn’t give it much thought. But, lately, he’s been exhibiting other odd behavior patterns. Sometimes, he’ll take a seat in a corner by himself as if giving himself a time-out.  Or other times, he’ll gaze up out at some unseen object and, seemingly deep in thought, zone out and refuse to acknowledge anyone around him – no matter how many times you call his name. Whereas, in the past, the mere sound of the refrigerator door opening would bring him charging into the kitchen in frenzied expectation of a treat, nowadays the treats have to be hand delivered to his perch atop the couch in the living room.

He’s also proven incredibly needy of late, demonstrating separation anxiety for the first time in recent memory, howling mournfully when Akemi goes out for a walk with the other dogs or if I leave him in the car with Akemi while I pop out to get something.

Akemi is, of course, very concerned.  In the few short years she’s been in Canada, she and Bubba have developed the type of close relationship I can only aspire to…

I had him checked out at the vet and his blood tests showed no issues. And, as is always the case when you visit a doctor, whatever symptoms brought you there in the first place magically disappear the second you step through the door.  Bubba was jumping around excitedly, tail wagging – a far cry from the quiet, introspect pug that had us concerned only days earlier.

The vet suggested it could be one of several possibilities: a liver issue, a brain tumor, old age, or plain old stubborness.  For now, I’m going with a mix of the last two but will be keeping my eye on him…

What do you think?  What’s up the old boy?

Today’s entry is dedicated to Stargate fan Thomas Smethurst who passed way earlier today following a courageous battle with cancer. Condolences to his friends and family.

Tagged: pugs

March 6, 2013: I’m finally gonna do it!

So, I’m finally going to do it.  I’m finally going to sell my car.  I really should have done it a while ago but, to be honest, I didn’t want to deal with the hassle.  I figured it would have been so much easier to simply trade in my old Q7 as part of a new vehicle purchase, but the dealer convinced me I’d be better off selling the car privately, say on craigslist (and, in so doing, unintentionally talked me out of buying a new car from him). He was right!  I SHOULD sell my car privately!

Eventually.

Months passed.  I was distracted by other matters: work, personal issues, my new sous vide machine.

Finally, last week, I decided to finally do it.  I got my Q7 inspected.  I made some minor repairs.  I assembled the proper paperwork and did my research.  The apparent rules of selling a car: “Don’t accept personal checks!  Only accept cashier’s checks or money orders!”.  Well, that seemed pretty obvious.  Armed with this information, I went over to craigslist.  There, the first warning to greet me when I went to post my listing: “Most cashier’s check or money orders offered to craigslist sellers are COUNTERFEIT — cashing them can lead to financial ruin.” So, unless I’m misreading this, craigslist is warning me that I am almost certain to be cheated if I attempt to do business on craigslist.

WTF?

Oh, hey, just wanted everyone to know that I’m in total agreement with those criticizing our resident film critic, Cookie Monster, on his recent review of The Dark Knight.  How dare he give it a measly 8 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies and have the gall to critique the movie’s lapses in logic.  This is a superhero movie and, as we all know, superhero movies shouldn’t be held to the same high standards of other movies.  We have to suspend our disbelief and accept the fact that people can fly, get bitten by radioactive spiders, and say and do things that make absolutely no sense.  I mean, you can’t expect a scriptwriter to come up with cool chase scenes AND have the villain’s plan make sense too!  Am I right?  Granted, Hollywood does occasionally release the odd well-written comic book movie that adheres to an internal logic despite being set in a super-themed world (ie. Iron Man, the first two X-Men movies, the first Spiderman movie), but those are flukes, accidents of the production process caused by individuals with too much time and talent on their hands.

All this to say, REALLY looking forward to next week’s review of The Spirit which, if you don’t mind my saying, looks positively brilliant:

How could Cookie Monster gives this movie any less than 9 chocolate chippee cookies?!

Mailbag:

Randomness writes: “@Carl Binder who finally arrives in town to start prep on his new show! - Hope it goes well for him, but at the same time, kinda weird how you and Paul, who were arguably better writers/producers than him still haven’t had as much luck with your projects.”

Answer: No one I know (present company included) is a better writer/producer than Carl Binder.

March 5, 2013: Top Chef! Familiar faces! An honest trailer for The Dark Knight!

I finally watched the Top Chef Seattle finale last night and all I can say is – huh?  When did the show turn into a cross between Iron Chef, American Idol, and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?  The final two contestants battle it out before a “live” audience in a Kitchen Stadium-like venue, taking breaks between each course to receive judgement on their individual dishes while the audience hoots and hollers (and we are treated to interminably plodding interviews with friends, family members, and past winners).  The five judges critique the plates and vote.  Cue Who Wants to Be a Millionaire-esque lights and music! Three votes out of a possible five wins the round.  Three out of a possible five courses takes the title.  Of course, if you happened to be keeping an eye on the time, you’ll have noticed that there was only five minutes left in the show when the contestants went up for the fourth course judgement.  Since one contestant was already up 2-1, it was pretty much assured she would walk away with this fourth round and win the contestant.  So much for suspense.  Alternately, if it would have come down to the fifth and final round, everyone would have screamed “Fix!”. It’s like those Best of Five cook-offs on Hell’s Kitchen that always manage to come down to that fifth and final round.  So how to avoid this “damned if you do; damned if you don’t” scenario? Simple.  Don’t.  Don’t change the formula that has made Top Chef a success for so many years!

Also, speaking of this season’s Top Chef, did anybody else notice that Padma seemed a little…hmmm…how should I put this…what’s a delicate synonym word for bitchy?…Testy?  Snappy?  Of consistently unpleasant disposition?  Did anybody else notice that Padma seemed to demonstrate all of the above this past season?

These past few days have been one extended Stargate reunion.  On Saturday, I ran into former SG-1 and Atlantis Playback Artist Julie Oya while out for ramen.  Then, on Sunday, I ran into former SG-1/Atlantis/Universe Assistant Director Alex Pappas in the Granville Island Market.  Finally, Monday, I went out for drinks with some other former Stargate alums, among them Editor Mike “Banacek” Banas, VFX Supervisor Mark Savela, Exec Producer Robert Cooper, Post Production Supervisor Kerry McDowell, Post Production Supervisor Jennifer Johnson, and Script Coordinator Lawren Bancroft-Wilson.  Later this week, it’ll be dinner with Rob, Special Features Producer Ivon Bartok, and Exec. Producer Carl Binder who finally arrives in town to start prep on his new show!

Finally, to those dumping on Cookie Monster for “nitpicking” the flawless masterpiece that was The Dark Knight, I submit the following Honest Trailer:

Thanks to gforce for sending it our way!

March 4, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Dark Knight!

Tree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.  Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long.  Seriously!  Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.

Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie.  In many ways, it be better den first movie in series.  In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.

De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party

Movie begin wit bank heist.  Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to.  Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”.  Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist.  And he get creamed by school bus.

Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv!  No.  Bozomofo!  No.  De Joker!  He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by.  He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK!  You would tink someone might notice?  Find it odd?  Moving on…

Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared.  But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham.  District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker.  Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him.  Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money.  And he not take no for an answer.

Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.

Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham.  He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid.  He blow up judge.  And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree?  Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent.  Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.

But Joker strike again.  He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight.  Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed.  No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead.  Right?

Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity.  Dey kiss.  Wait?  What?!  Who dis woman?  How she know his identity?  Monster not recognize her at all!  No.  Wait.  It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie.  Oh, me get it now.  She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.

At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman.  And arrested. Hunh?  If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman?  If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?

Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned.  Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker.  Wait!  What?  Jim Gordon alive?!  But police told his wife he be dead!  Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth.  Why not?  Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?

Harvey and Rachel missing.  Batman interrogate Joker.  He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one.  Only one!  Why?  Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?

Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late.  She get blown up.  Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…

Ouchy!

To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how.   Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock?  We just have to take his word for it.  He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach.  Whew.  Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!

Joker threaten to blow up hospital!  Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him.  He offer to let Harvey kill him.  Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.

City in chaos!  No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!

Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker).  He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not.  Mobster luck out.  Coin say no.  So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh?  Why driver not deserve coin flip?  He just a guy doing his job!

Only way out of Gotham is by ferry.  Knowing dis, police make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way.  And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board!  Dey also find box containing detonator.  Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?.  Why would he say dis?  Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb!  Aktually, no.  Dere be no reason for him to say dis.  It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.

Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb.  If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves.  If dey don’t choose, dey all die!

Batman track down Joker to high-rise.  Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up.  We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer -

But wait!  It not over!  Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family!  He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.

But Batman arrive in nick of time!  He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face.  He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice.  By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice.  Okie dokie.

Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: Batman, comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster movie reviews, film reviews, movie reviews, superhero film reviews, superhero films, superhero movie reviews, superhero movies, superheroes, The Dark Knight

March 3, 2013: WTF? T.V. Moments!

In keeping with the t.v. theme, I thought it might be fun to take a trip down memory lane and imagine, not the best moments of your television-viewing history, but the weirdest.  I’m referring to those WTF? moments that either cause you to stop watching or to seriously question what the writers were smoking when they came up with “that” idea.  I’m not talking studio or network decisions, so no cancellations, only highly suspect creative choices.  I’m sure that, off the top of your respective heads, countless come to mind, from baffling leaps in logic to the deaths of beloved medical characters.  And I’d love to hear all about them.  But first, here is a list of My WTF? T.V. Moments.  Some are egregious.  Others are bizarre missteps magnified by the fact that they happened on otherwise amazing shows:

DALLAS: Forget that ever happened.

The ninth season of Dallas ended with the character of Pam Ewing walking into the bathroom and discovering her husband Bobby in the shower.  But how could this be?  Bobby was dead.  He’d been killed after being hit by a car the previous season.  How could the writers possibly resurrect the beloved character?  Easy.  They just hit the reset button by making the previous season a dream.  The ENTIRE SEASON! 31 episodes!  All a dream!  They used a narrative device that not even a fourth grader gets away with nowadays.  Hey, Dallas fans, that last year of your favorite show was one giant waste of your time.  Sorry. Wonder how the dvd’s for that ninth season sold in comparison?

ROSEANNE: Let’s make The Beverly Hillbillies instead!

At the beginning of the show’s ninth season, the Conners win the lottery!  108 million dollars!  So what changes for them?  Pretty much everything.  The lovable blue-collar family many viewers connected with over the years suddenly become the 90′s equivalent of The Beverly Hillbillies.  I didn’t watch the show but I know several people who did – and, boy, were they unhappy with the show’s strange, unfunny turn.  But the worst was yet to come…

ROSEANNE: Not quite Bobby in the shower but…

In the show’s ninth season series finale, the audience discovers that the whole lottery storyline was fantasy – not a dream but the imaginative writings of Roseanne Conner who reveals the entire show has been a slightly altered version of her real life.  Oh, and amiable hubby Dan died of a heart attack back in season 8.  Funny stuff.

THE WONDER YEARS: P.S. Dad dies.

Oh, come on!  In the series finale, Kevin reveals how things turn out for everyone. His best buddy Paul goes to Harvard.  His boyhood crush, Winnie Cooper, ends up studying art history in Paris.  His mother becomes a successful business woman.  And his dad…well, his dad drops dead of a heart attack two years later.  Wait!  What?!  Look, I’m all for bittersweet endings but this one feels forced because, in a previous episode, Kevin tells the audience how his father would eventually have a grandson of his own.  Now, unless Winnie got pregnant in this final episode and gave birth to a son before heading off to Paris, information Kevin elected NOT to make us privy to, then killing dad off is like a giant cheat.

SOUTH PARK – Carman’s real father is…!

South Park fans had to wait an entire hiatus – and then some – to learn the identity of Cartman’s father following the first season cliffhanger.  Eager fans tuned in to find out on April 1, 1998…Oh, wait. April 1st?  Instead of concluding the storyline, producers Matt Stone and Trey Parker pranked their audience by airing a totally unrelated episode titled “Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus”.  Good one, no?  No.  The audience responded by roundly criticizing the show and firing off some 2000 angry emails to Comedy Central.

24 – Really?  No, really?  NO, REALLY?

In the show’s first season, Jack Bauer’s wife and daughter are in a car, speeding away from pursuers.  Assuming she has lost them, Jack’s wife, Terri, gets out of the car and hurries back up the roadway to make sure.  Yes, that’s right.  She leaves the car to head back on foot to make sure (!).  Satisfied that the coast is clear, she walks back to the car…only to discover she happened to park it too close to the side of a ravine and the car has plummeted – with her daughter inside (!). She is so distraught that she collapses. And wakes up with amnesia (!). Trifecta.

DYNASTY – Duck and cover!

One of the most notorious season finales in television history finds the entire cast of characters gathered for a royal wedding in the fictitious nation of Moldavia when the festivities are interrupted by armed terrorists.  The chapel is strafed with bullets and, in the final, lingering shots all of the major characters lie, seemingly dead.  It came to be known as The Moldavian Massacre – although, in hindsight, maybe massacre was a bit of a stretch.  In the show’s sixth season premiere, we learn that only two minor characters died in the attack thereby confirming what every action movie has already proven – that bad guys are terrible shots.

THE SOPRANOS – Cut to black.

The show’s final sequence unfolds to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ with the Soprano family – Tony, Carmella, and AJ – sitting in a diner while, outside, Meadow struggles to park.  Tony glances up as a suspicious character walks in and shoots him a look.  We cut back to Meadow parking.  Tony looks up as someone else walks into the diner.  Back to Meadow parking.  Then cut back to Tony.  Meadow parking.  The tension mounts.  The suspense is unbearable.  And then – we go to BLACK.  End of series.  In the days following, armchair experts went to great pains to analyze the symbolism of the finale, ferreting out clues from previous episodes to bolster their theory that Tony Soprano actually died when the screen cut to black – which only served to exacerbate the indignation of fans who felt they’d been left hanging. Really?  We were expected to piece together a bunch of esoteric clues in order to figure out the ending?  As it turned out, no.  According to show creator David Chase, Tony wasn’t whacked after all.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS – Murder in Dillon!

The first season of Friday Night Lights was incredible on every level – well-written, brilliantly acted, poignant and inspiring – atypical of many shows out there, so I suppose it should come as no surprise that it was struggling in the ratings.  But FNL was a critical darling and received a second season pick-up nonetheless.  And when it came back, for some reason (Insert your own theory here.  I certainly have mine.), the writers elected to work in a a sub-plot involving gosh-shucks geek Landry accidentally killing a would-be rapist.  Suddenly, the wonderful character-driven stories were overshadowed by this completely out-of-place narrative that would have been better suited to an episode of Law and Order.  Panned by critics, the story was quickly wrapped up – and never referred to again.

MAD MEN – I ate a bad sandwich.

Don’t get me wrong.  I think the show is brilliant and well-deserving of all of the accolades it has received, which is why it made this list – on the basis of a dramatic turn at the end of the show’s first season that was, well, in sharp contrast to EVERYTHING ELSE.  Don Draper’s carousel speech is some of the best writing ever committed to script. On the other hand, the whole “surprise” that ends this episode seems like something completely out of place for such a grounded show. Secretary Peggy is feeling under the weather and goes to see a doctor. She assumes she “ate a bad sandwich”.  But it isn’t a bad sandwich after all.  Peggy is pregnant.  Pregnant and IN LABOR!  Cut to the next scene – where she is presented with her new baby.  Now wait a minute! I understand people can be naive and, in some cases, it takes them a while to catch on – but this character was nine months pregnant and didn’t have a clue!  I know it happens, but rarely, and when it does it’s to very heavy women who may not have noticed the extra weight gain. It’s as if I was watching a completely different show.

BREAKING BAD – Heads up!

Not even one of my very favorite shows is immune to the occasional questionable call.  The second season of the show kicks off with disquieting hints of an atrocity to come,  starting with the eye of some stuffed animal floating in a swimming pool and progressing to body bags being lined up on a quiet residential suburban street.  It builds and builds over the course of those thirteen episodes, finally paying off in the form of – a mid-air plane crash.  Huh?  Sure, one can argue that Walter was indirectly responsible for the carnage since he did kill the grieving air traffic controller’s daughter but, all the same, for  a show that has built a solid rep for tight scripting, this felt like a bait-and-switch.

Care to chime in?  Let’s hear your WTF T.V. Moments.

March 2, 2013: Help me choose my new favorite show!

For a guy who works in television, I watch surprisingly little television. Well, relatively speaking.  In comparison to most, I watch what I consider a somewhat below average amount.  In comparison to my friends like Martin Gero and Mark Savela, I hardly watch any at all.  Not counting a few guilty “non-scripted” shows like Top Chef and the like, my t.v.-watching consists of: Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, and The Walking Dead.  I’m catching up on Louie, South Park and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on DVD and will download the second season of American Horror Story if/when it becomes available online.  Oh, and I have been watching Modern Family, but that’s more Akemi’s show than one of mine.

All that said, I’d like to find a brilliant new series to watch.  Something along the lines of past favorites like The Sopranos, The Shield, Arrested Development, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and Rome.  The type of series that’s so good, so well-written, so well-directed, and so well-acted that you simply cannot wait to watch the next episode.  I checked out other strongly reviewed shows, and came away decidedly underwhelmed.  Some I found too slow-moving.  Others I found offensively contrived.  Still others were simply not my cup of tea.  So I’m going to try my luck again with a new round.

I’ve heard great thing about each of the following.  Which one should I start with?

BOARDWALK EMPIRE

As a big fan of The Sopranos, I had my eye on this organized crime period drama when it premiered back in 2010, but my initial enthusiasm was somewhat dampened by critiques from trusted sources.  The consensus opinion of the early episodes: good, but slow. Slow?  Life’s too short – and watching shows that make it feel longer aint the way to go.  So I took a pass on this one.  But since then, I keep hearing very good things.  Apparently, once you get past the set-up, it’s riveting viewing.

JUSTIFIED

I avoided this show because I’m not the biggest fan of Timothy Olyphant.  He’s a fine actor, but I fear my intense dislike for the character he played in Deadwood could taint my enjoyment of this show.  But my friend and former fellow Exec. Producer (on a show I honestly can’t remember working on), Alexander Ruemelin, swears by its brilliance. And, as wacky as that lovable German is, I do value his opinion…

ARCHER

Unlike some of the other shows on this list, no one I know has ever watched Archer.  All the positive reviews I’ve read have come from online sources that call this animated series clever, controversial and, above all, hilarious.

DOWNTON ABBEY

This one has a lot of fans but the premise seems, quite frankly, a little dry.  Still, Robert Cooper, another fellow whose opinion I trust, says it’s a damn fine show – although he warns it IS a soap opera.  But that’s fine.  In many ways so was The Sopranos.

GIRLS

Hmmm.  At first blush, not my cup of tea, but this one comes highly recommended by my uber-caustic buddy Tara in Toronto.  I can fault her taste in many things (hats for instance), but her sense of humor is dead-on…and, not so coincidentally, very similar to mine.  So if Tara says Girls is worth watching, maybe Girls IS worth watching.

CALIFORNICATION

Another Alexander Ruemelin pick.  And those who like it, REALLY like it – among them, my buddy Nige in Montreal.  Then again, Nige also liked both Transformers movies so I’m not so sure…

LUTHER

Idris Elba is terrific and I’ve heard great things about this show, but I’ve yet to get around to watching it.  Why?  In the words of Scooby Doo: “I run row.”

SHERLOCK

Another Brit entry and another series no one I know watches, but everyone online seems to love.  I’m sure more than a few of you have already checked it out.  Thoughts?

Tagged: Archer, Boardwalk Empire, Californication, Downton Abbey, Girls, Justified, Luther, Sherlock, television

March 1, 2013: Crushing Cancellations!

Your responses to my recent post about SGA’s final episode got me to thinking about some of the shows I’ve enjoyed that ended too soon.  I thought it might be fun to compile a list of My Top Ten Crushing Cancellations, those show’s whose premature demises left me alternately bewildered, disappointed, and frustrated.  So I sat down to compile a list and discovered that, with the exception of three obvious selections, I was having a hard time coming up with some names. Either the series had ended on its own terms (The Sopranos), had been cancelled well after I’d discovered it on DVD (Firefly), or had deteriorated so badly in quality by the end that I had checked out well before that final episode aired (too numerous to mention).  In the end, I was left with a grand total of six!

SOAP

This was one of the first serialized shows I remember watching, a mighty controversial (for its time) spoof of steamy daytime soaps that proved well ahead of its time.  Every episode ended on a cliffhanger, and the season finale was no different.  Did Chester kill Danny and Annie after discovering them in bed together?  Did Jodie ever become unhypnotized?  Was Jessica really shot by that South American firing squad?  Alas, we’d never know.  And what made this cancellation particularly galling were the rumors that the show had been cancelled, not due to ratings, but because certain advertisers were uncomfortable with its suggestive content.

TWIN PEAKS

This one makes the list on the strength of a solid first season that had me tuning in every week to unravel the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer.  By the time it was cancelled after its second season, it was a pale imitation of its former clever self, mired in meandering storylines and replete with annoyingly weird touches (what the hell was the deal with the kid with the creamed corn?).  Still, I loved Agent Cooper and thought the show’s final episode an incredibly depressing end to his story.

ROME

Ah, now this is the one that immediately comes to mind.  Before Game of Thrones there was Rome, a rich and incredibly engaging period series that – well, it seems proved too damn expensive to produce past a second season.

STARGATE: SG-1

Okay, maybe I’m being greedy.  Ten seasons is an awful long run.  But, in fairness, the cast additions and shift in storyline that marked the show’s eighth season reinvigorated this series.  Rather than feeling like the tenth season of a long-running series, it actually felt like the second season of a few series.  And then we got word of the cancellation. Disappointing because I still feel there are so many more stories to tell…

STARGATE: ATLANTIS

And the same applies here.  Unlike SG-1 that at least had the opportunity to go out on its own terms, Atlantis never got that chance. Going into those last few episodes, I’d heard the chances of a sixth season pick-up were 50/50.  Then, after looking into it further, it looked more than likely we would get that sixth season order.  And, suddenly, we were cancelled. WTF?

STARGATE: UNIVERSE

This one was the toughest because we only had two seasons.  We knew the odds were stacked against us and things looked grim – until we heard word, from a couple of sources, that we would be back for a third and final season.  We would get one more year to wrap up the story of Destiny’s crew.  And then, out of the blue, we didn’t.  We were cancelled.  And then certain players stepped up and made a stalwart 11th hour effort to save the show.  Only to be shut down.  Ouch.  This one still smarts.

So, do I have to ask?  What were your top Crushing Cancellations?

Oh, by the way, the repairman swung by today, on time, and fixed the oven.  I feel the need to point out that he wasn’t a Maytag repairman but a repairman sub-contracted by Maytag to do the job.  So let’s call this one a push.

February 28, 2013: The Not-So-Lonely Maytag Repairman!

My oven is broken.

“Again?”I can imagine you asking.  Or: “Wait a minute.  I’ve already read this blog entry!”

Actually, my oven is STILL broken.  It’s been inoperable for about a week now because, apparently,  that’s how long it takes the average Vancouver Maytag repairman to clear his busy schedule.  One week. Can you imagine how backed up they must be, no doubt attending to a veritable sea of disabled Maytag products?  A far cry from this lonely fellow:

So, last week, I booked an appointment for this week.  I cleared my entire day because, as you all know, they can never give you an exact time for when they’ll drop by.  Or maybe they simply won’t because it heightens the anticipation, sort of like an elusive sneeeze or anxiously awaiting the People’s Choice Award for Favorite Humanitarian.  It’s always: “Sometime between nine a.m. and noon.” Or: “Anytime between noon and 5:00 p.m.”  Or, in my case: “Thursday.”  Then imagine my surprise when my cell phone started ringing at 8:30 a.m. this morning.  Was it possible?  The best case scenario, all things considered?  Were they calling to confirm my address?  To inform me that they were enroute?  To let me know they were already standing on my front porch, poised to sweep in and address my oven issues?  Not exactly.

They were calling to find out what the problem was with my oven.  I informed the guy on the other end that none of the buttons were working on the control panel – just as I had informed the woman who had taken my call last week.  ”Ah, it’s a control panel issue,”he surmised.  ”I can come by and replace it.  Tomorrow.”

Seriously?  I had to clear my Thursday schedule so that I could field a call from the Maytag repairman and confirm information I had already relayed to the Maytag representative I’d spoken to a week earlier?  No wonder they’re so fucking lonely.  No one in their own company will even talk to them.

This doesn’t bode well for tomorrow’s visit.  I figure it can go one of a number of ways:

1. He shows up early, sometime in the morning while I’m out.

2. He shows up late, sometime during dinner while we’re eating.

3. He doesn’t show up at all.

4. He doesn’t show up but somebody else phones to ask what the problem is, surmises it’s a control panel issue, and promises to swing by next week, sometime between 5:00 a.m. Monday morning and midnight Friday.

5. He shows up, checks the stove, and realizes it’s not a control panel issue after all and has to reschedule another visit.

6.  He shows up, fixes the oven, then suggests I can pay him in hugs.

7. He shows up on time and fixes the oven.

Place yer bets!

Tagged: Maytag, Maytag repairman, service calls