Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 468

March 19, 2013: Sports Talk!

Next to NFL Football, there’s nothing I love more than College Basketball, especially this time of year.  It’s March Madness!  64 (okay, actually 68) teams take part in a win-or-go-home six (okay, actually seven)-round tournament to crown the nation’s best.  And it never fails to impress with unbelievable upsets, fantastic finishes, and the occasional Cinderella confounding the experts.  How much do I love college ball?  About as much as I hate the NBA.  And how much do I hate the NBA?  Well, given the choice, I’d rather watch baseball.  In other words, A LOT!

Anyway, our good buddy Ivon forwarded me this year’s bracket and reminded me to fill them out before Wednesday night.   Wednesday night?  I’m already done!

So, what do you think?   Crazy?  A little? The Billikens upending the fashionable-favorite Cardinals?  The Aztecs taking down the mighty Hoyas?  And the New Mexico Lobos knocking out the Buckeyes, the Gonzaga Bulldogs, AND the JAYHAWKS to win it all?!

Yep.  Maybe.  But I’m expecting big surprises in this year’s tourney. Hell, it hasn’t even started and, already, surprises abound with the Kentucky Wildcats on the outside looking in – along with the state of Texas.

For what it’s worth, picks aside, I’ll be rooting for: Missouri, Memphis, Gonzaga, Mississippi, New Mexico, Iowa State, VCU, San Diego State, UNLV, Butler, and Marquette.

And rooting against: Louisville, Duke, Ohio State, Kansas, North Carolina, Georgetown, Indiana.

Go fill out your own bracket: bracketchallenge.ncaa.com

Meanwhile, NFL.com is doing its own bracket challenge (Here’s our bracket), pitting 64 of the greatest plays in NFL history against each other.  Well, THEIR picks for the greatest plays in NFL history.  Given the ones that did make the least, a few memorable plays are conspicuously absent.  Like this one -

Ray Rice catches the ball and runs for the first down – on a 4th and 29! This play is all the more memorable when one considers it helped them win a game that ultimately  allowed them to tie the Bengals for the division lead, and take it on the tie-breaker.  If not for that run, the Ravens would have had to go through Houston and then New England before traveling to Denver for the conference championship where they would have faced a decidedly different Broncos team.

And, speaking of the Broncos, here is one of my favorite plays of all time because it demonstrates how quickly fortunes can change.  With the game tied at 24-24, the San Diego Chargers line up for a 40 yard field goal to win the game in overtime.  Denver’s Dennis Smith’s leaps up and blocks the kick – BUT his amazing defensive play is nullified because the Broncos called a timeout prior to the snap.  So San Diego lines up to kick it again – and again Dennis Smith blocks the kick – BUT this time, it is scooped up by a fellow Bronco and run back for the game-winning touchdown.

March 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Watchmen!

Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

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De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Watchmen, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Watchmen, Watchmen, Watchmen movie

March 17, 2013: Akemi says thanks!

Hurray!  Akemi finally received her Canadian Permanent Residence Card.  All it took was a lot of paperwork, a year and a half wait and, of course, the support of friends, family – and visitors to this blog who took the time to post comments on her behalf.  Akemi prepared a little video thank you over on her blog: Common-law Visa.  So, yes, thank you.  It’s certainly a relief to not have to worry about my girlfriend being deported.

She wants to look her best for those potential job interviews.

Now, Akemi looka forward to finding a job.  She has decided to start with a part-time retail position as she works to improve her English. Given her past experience working at the Pierre Marcolini Cafe in Ginza, she’s looking for something in desserts, preferably chocolate.  So far, however, she’s been disappointed with the response to the handful of resumes she has dropped off – or, more to the point, the lack thereof. Apparently, in Japan, a prospective employer gets back to you within 1-3 days of your leaving your resume, whether it’s to express interest or to say “Thanks but no thanks.”.  I explained that, even though it may seem as if her resumes fell into a black hole, she should follow up. That’s what North Americans do.  She has to learn to be annoyingly persistent.

Career advice time.  You’ve all gotten to know Akemi on this blog.  What kind of work do you think she’d best suited for?

Mailbag:

Secondlook Dan writes: “How does one sign up for this Gelato 101 class?”

Answer: The class was hugely popular and sold out within minutes of being announced.  I’m not sure if James is planning another round, but you may want to ask the next time you’re in (1001 W Cordova St.) or check out Bella Gelateria’s twitter feed for the latest updates: James ‏@bellagelateria

john writes: “I guess you hear this a lot but I’ve an idea for the continuation of stargate which would tie up lose ends…”

Answer: While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you’re better off trying to get one of your own, original ideas off the ground rather than attempting to come up with series ideas for a pre-existing property.

Jaqaril writes: “And I don’t want to sound arrogant or entitled, but I really hope you guys at least try it and get in contact with MGM.”

Answer: Well, as you pointed out, it’s clear that MGM is aware that a audience for Stargate is still out there.  It’ll be interesting to see how the app does.

Joey Wayne Suggs writes: “Joseph could you please tell me without breaking any secret vows ( kind of kidding but not really ) lol could you please tell me why you make a specific reference to the number 3 in every episode of Stargate SG1 and SG atlantis.”

Answer: I’m not sure what you mean by specific references to the number 3.  Could you give me some examples?  At first, I assumed you were referring to the rule of 3 (The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests that things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things. – Wikipedia) which I tend to adhere to because I find it rhythmically satisfying.

Karen writes: “How’s Bubba doing?”

Answer: Better!  Just a few moments ago, he was back to his old self, barking at Sarah Jessica Parker when she appeared on t.v.  Thanks for asking!

Today’s entry is dedicated to birthday gal PBMom.

March 16, 2013: Gelato 101!

The other night, Akemi and a few of our closest friends were fortunate enough to attend a Gelato 101 class hosted by the award-winning James Coleridge (winner of the 1st “Maestro Gelatiere Award” at the Florence Gelato Festival, and considered one of the world’s top artisan gelato makers) at his Bella Gelateria in downtown Vancouver.

Rob and Steve

Jodi, Akemi (brought her own apron), and Hillary.

The Master of Ceremonies: James Coleridge.

James, a graduate of Carpigiani Gelato University, started off by giving us an overview of the world of gelato, pointing out the differences between gelato and the more readily available ice cream (gelato has roughly half the amount of fat and air, and is actually served at warmer temperatures).  He talked about his education in Italy and a reprimand he received for daring to question the prevalent use of chemicals in the gelato-making process.  To his credit, James doesn’t criticize those who make use of the chemical mix, instead lauding them for trailblazing the gelato movement in North America.  All the same, he eschews the mixes and chemicals in favor of premium, all-natural ingredients.  It’s something he feels he owes to not only his customers, but his family as well.

The Bella Gelateria selection.

Following the preliminary introduction, we were ushered into the laboratorio (Italian for “laboratory”, natch).  Apparently, most gelato shops maintain an air of secrecy surrounding their products and recipes, so no photography is ever permitted within their walls.  He, on the other hand, has a more open approach and invited us to snap as many pics and videos as we wished.  Which was great because it meant I didn’t have to rely on my hidden button cam.

Once we were in the kitchen, the real hands-on instruction (and tasting) began!

My fellow students

James talked about his education in Italy and winning first prize at last year’s Florence Gelato Festival for his toasted pecans, sea salt and maple syrup gelato.  He started us off by allowing us to sample an unbelievable caramel base.   We then moved onto a base for one of his chocolate ice creams…

Steve “The Cleaner” Boska polishes off the chocolate base.

We were then offered a taste of the various chocolates that go into the different gelatos – only the best of the best, Michel Cluizel, ranging from creamy 45% milk to darker than dark 99%.

Let the sampling begin!

The Cluizel collection

We melted some dark chocolate, heated it in a pot, then blasted it with this industrial mixer…

Rob takes her out for a spin.

Akemi at the wheel.

After which the whipped mixture was poured in here -

- to complete the process.  The mixture gradually set and cooled, growing denser as it spun.  The process was downright hypnotic.

Rob checks out a piece of equipment for checking out sugar levels.  Oh, steering clear of sugar?  Well, you can go sugar-free – but you’ll need roughly 9-10 times more of whatever chemical sugar substitute you use to achieve the same melting point.

Then, it was paddling time!

Once around the lake, James – then home.

We each took turns using the ice cream paddle to scoop the finished gelato out without breaking the machine, paddle, or our jaws.

Jodi shows us how it’s done.

Further tasting ensued.  James demonstrated the correct way to spoon a sample, using a sideways swipe that yielded roughly 3-4 times more gelato than the the more traditional straightforward scoop.  We sampled one of his newest, a Limoncello Cheesecake gelato that was so good I ended up buying myself another scoop after the class ended.

We also sampled the greatest pistachio gelato I’ve ever had made from the world’s greatest pistachio’s (Bronte pistachios that are the most expensive of expensive Sicilian pistachio’s which are, in turn, the most expensive of Italian pistachio’s which are, in turn, the most expensive of the world’s pistachios).

Akemi is rewarded for her learning skills.  And cute apron.

Fun, informative and, above all, delicious!

Screw television.  I’m going to Gelato University!

Welcome to Bella Gelateria – Home of Old-World Handcrafted Gelato

Twitter

Tagged: Bella Gelateria, Gelato, Gelato 101, ice cream, James Coleridge

March 15, 2013: Things Stargate!

Every so often, I like to check out this blog’s site stats to get a sense of the daily visits, most popular posts and, most interestingly of all, what leads people to check out this little corner on the internet.  In the case of the latter, if you go by recent search engine terms, it’s “Stargate”, “Joseph Mallozzi”, and “Julia Benson” – and not necessarily in that order.  Site stats also include  a rundown of Top Referrer’s who have provided links to this blog.  They’re usually fairly vague – facebook, google image search, etc – but, occasionally, they’re quite specific.   Like, yesterday, when I clicked on one of the Referrer links and ended up on Reddit where somebody asked: Does anyone have some deck plans for Prometheus?  Another user offered the following advice: “Joe Mallozzi used to be a writer/producer on SG-1 back in the day. He has a blog where he occasionally posts pictures of set blueprints. I’ve seen him post a bunch of set blueprints from Atlantis, but you might get lucky and find some Daedalus/Prometheus stuff. Gonna take a lot of digging though.”

Yes, admittedly, a time consuming process.  According to Site Stats (again), this will be my 2 333rd post.  That IS a lot of digging. UNLESS, you have an affable executive producer willing to take the time to wade through the mountain of Art Department handouts he received over the years in search of Prometheus schematics.

Sadly, I don’t have anything in the way of an actual ship plan.  I’m not even sure if one was ever drafted but, even if it was, that would have been during the SG-1 days, long before I started collecting these pre-production mementos.  However, I DID find a few Daedalus-related plans which, I hope, will prove somewhat helpful because – here’s a secret: the Prometheus was the Daedalus was the Odyssey was the Apollo was the Korolev!  They were the same sets and, for design purposes, the same ships.  When it came time to shoot them, however, one was able to distinguish them in a variety of ways: besides specific crews, there were the distinguishing plaques that adorned the walls. In addition, the lighting on the various bridges differed.  From what I recall, the Apollo was slightly blue while the Daedalus was slightly green.  The Prometheus, I believe, was white.

Anyway, this is what I was able to dig up:

From The Kindred Part 1 Art Department package: The Daedalus Bridge, Corridors, and Mess Hall.  Note the reminder to swap out the Apollo plaque for a Daedalus plaque.  Also note the reminder to repair/restore the section of the Mess Hall damaged during “Ark of Truth”.  Was it damaged in an actual scene in the movie or did Director Robert Cooper kick a crew member through the wall?  Again.  I don’t recall.

The Daedalus Bridge from the Be All My Sins Remember’d Art Department package.

Daedalus Engineering, also from the Be All My Sins Remember’d Art Department package.  Note the additions of Asgard tech that came with the last engineer, Hermoid, in Siege 3.  Also note the use of the term “gak”, used to refer to circuitry/wires/panels – essentially, cool, high-tech looking “ship innards”.

Sadly, that’s it.  BUT, I did find this cool layout of the Midway station:

 

Some interesting comments to yesterday’s blog entry “March 14, 2013: Veronica Mars fans are finally getting their movie! So when are Stargate fans getting THEIR movie?”  A few thoughts on your thoughts:

Matt writes: “Would a CG/Green screen set be more affordable now?”

Answer: Hmmm.  How shall I put this?  The problem with green screen sets is that they look like…green screen sets.

stargateatlantisseasonsix writes: “Have you ever thought of asking the fans to donate their abilities in effects making, set building, make-up and prosthetics, etc. for just the simple exchange of putting their names in the credits at the end. I don’t know a single fan that wouldn’t be estatic to see their name or see their work on the official film.”

Answer: While I’m sure many talented and dedicated fans would do wonderful jobs, there are agreements in place that require a production engage the services of unionized professionals – individuals with proper training and experience.  I’d argue that, at the end of the day, you’re better off hiring someone who has made a living building that sturdy set.

Emily H. writes: “And just as a side note, when the fans brought Farscape back from the dead, they did it with a 4-hour miniseries, complete with an epic story, space battles and astonishing special effects — all to the tune of about $20 million dollars. I may be an optimist, but I think that’s doable.”

Answer: Well, okay.  The fans did bring back Farscape with that 4-hour miniseries – but, in all fairness, they didn’t foot that bill to the tune of $20 million dollars.

Chris L writes: “Can someone please send MGM an email?”

Answer: Oh I’m sure MGM is receiving plenty of emails from Stargate fans.  It’ll be interesting to see if they receive enough to reconsider their options… 

March 14, 2013: Veronica Mars fans are finally getting their movie! So when are Stargate fans getting THEIR movie?

This was the question many Stargate fans were asking themselves yesterday after news broke of the astounding success of the Veronica Mars kickstarter campaign.

For those of you who haven’t heard, series creator Rob Thomas approached Warner Bros. about making a Veronica Mars movie. According to Thomas: “Their reaction was, if you can show there’s enough fan interest to warrant a movie, we’re on board.”  Well, the fans stepped up and demonstrated their interest, pledging $1 million dollars (in a record 4 hours and 24 minutes) to the project’s kickstarter campaign [http://money.cnn.com/2013/03/13/technology/veronica-mars-kickstarter/index.html].  And, last time I checked, over 47000 backers had pledged close to 3 million dollars, about a million dollars over their goal – and this is only day #2 of their month-long drive! [http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/559914737/the-veronica-mars-movie-project].

It’s awesome news for Veronica Mars fans that has also energized fandom in general.  Already, loyal viewers are asking about their own favorite shows ['Veronica Mars' Movie Funded...Could a 'Chuck' Movie be Next?! (Poll)].  Could a similar strategy work for us?  Well, I suppose it depends.

Over at Forbes.com, Paul Tassi asks: “How did a show that’s been off the air for eight years raise two million dollars in barely half a day?”, and then proceeds to break down exactly how they pulled it off [http://www.forbes.com/sites/insertcoin/2013/03/14/how-exactly-did-veronica-mars-fund-a-movie-in-ten-hours/].  It offers great insight – and food for thought.

So how successful could a Stargate movie campaign prove if it attempted to follow the successful five-step strategy he outlines?  Well, according to Paul, “There are a number of factors at work here, and they’re worth exploring in order to understand if this kind of thing can or will happen again…”

1. The fanbase must be religiously devoted

Check.  There’s no doubt the Stargate fanbase is still strong and more than willing to support the franchise as evidenced by their continued involvement on fansites like Save Stargate Universe | Facebook, GateWorld | Your Complete Guide to Stargate!, and Stargate Solutions.

2. Get everyone on board ahead of time

Okay, proper planning is key but, in this case, it requires MUCH consideration.  In the case of Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell approached the studio and cast first, and THEN started their campaign. Which is, of course, what would be required here.  So, how interested would MGM be in a Stargate movie?  That’s the biggest question.  And the answer all comes down to economics.  Would it be worth their while (aka – not only financially feasible but lucrative)?  Will the potential rewards outweigh the risks?  Five years ago, the answer would have been  a resounding “Yes!” given the fact that Ark of Truth and Continuum surpassed expectations.  But, of course, that was before the bottom fell out of the DVD market.  Could alternate viewing platforms make up the shortfall?  Streaming?  Broadcasters?  Maybe the big screen treatment?

Which brings us to another question – “What does MGM have planned for Stargate? – because, let’s face it, as one of their most successful franchises, it’s not going to lie fallow for long.  Do they already have something in the works?

But, for the sake of argument, let’s say, it’s a best case scenario for fans of SG-1, Atlantis, and Universe.  The studio proves amenable to the idea.  Next up is ensuring we have a cast in place.  So, which cast? SG-1?  Atlantis?  Universe?  Or would it be a selective amalgamation of all three (which was Brad Wright’s original idea for an SGU movie)?

3. Offer rewards people want

Now this one is much easier to deliver on.  I, for one, would be more than happy to send you a signed script, arrange a set visit, or deck you out in prosthetics before blasting you out an airlock if it would ensure your support.

4. Leverage social media

Are you kidding?  Stargate fans are the kings (and queens) of social media.  We’ll get word to them and they’ll get word to EVERYONE.

And finally 5. Understand that not everyone will be able to do this

Why not?  Well, some former cast members may well be too busy to participate (Robert Carlyle now stars on Once Upon A Time while Jason Momoa has been burning up Hollywood post-SGA) while others may have simply moved on.  Still, provided we manage to cross this particular bridge as well, there’s the question of money.  To put it bluntly, we would need A LOT more money to produce a Stargate movie.  A LOT more to pay for the construction of new sets (alas, the Destiny, Atlantis, and Stargate Command are no more and would have to be rebuilt from scratch) and visual effects (I haven’t read the script, but it’s unlikely the Veronica Mars movie will feature much in the way of space battles), not to mention other related costs like cast, crew, and the onset aerobics instructor for my pug, Bubba.

So, conservatively, three out of five aint bad – unless you’re looking to make a Stargate movie in which case it aint good either.  Even if you could convince MGM to get onboard – and that’s a mighty big IF – there’s still the matter of the amount of money that would be required to produce a scifi movie.  How much?  Well, ballpark, I’d say significantly more than the 3 million dollars the Veronica Mars campaign has raised to date, but somewhat less than the $39 million dollars the Forbes article claims Serenity cost.

Certainly not impossible but, damn, them’s long odds!

Tagged: Atlantis, film & television, science fiction, Science Fiction Television, scifi, scifi television, SF, SF television, SG-1, SGA, SGU, Stargate, Stargate Universe, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: SG-1, Universe

March 13, 2013: Detective Vampire M.D., Attorney At Law: The Series

That’s the working title.  For now.  It tells the viewers what they need to know about our main character AND, most importantly, enlightens them to the fact that they’re watching an actual television series as opposed to, say, a very short film or very long commercial.  Somewhere down the line, we’re going to have to come up with a proper title – something catchy but clever.  For instance, if we were doing a show about a couple of marijuana-smoking ghosts, we could call it High Spirits.  Alternately, we could be as brilliantly asinine and work a character’s ridiculous name into the title (ie. Poetic Justice.  Hey, she’s a poet!  AND her name happens to be Justice!).  Something along the lines of: John Pomp is a veteran no-nonsense cop who ends up being partnered with young, loose cannon Derek Circumstanza.  Together, they are Pomp and Circumstanza!  Or Sheltered Hugh Murray gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with outgoing party boy, Billy Cry.  Together, they are Hugh and Cry!  And so on.  My advice is to come up with the title first and then work backward.    

But before we do, let’s nail down the series overview.  Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts.  As we all know, the job of a writer is to incorporate as many crappy suggestions as the script can sustain while still maintaining some semblance of artistic integrity.  As such, only the very worst ideas will not find their way into the mix. These can be safely ignored, partly because they make absolutely no sense, but mostly because they were composed in a drunken stupor and unlikely to be remembered by whoever wrote them.

So this is what we’ve got so far…

Our protagonist goes by the name of Hunter.  We don’t know if it’s his first or last name, but we DO know it’s apropos because the devilishly handsome, long-locked albino former model happens to be a wealthy freelance physician who uses his medical knowledge to solve crimes. Like those guys who work for the various CSI units, he is heartily welcomed to participate in ongoing investigations despite the fact that he really has no business doing so.  But his job doesn’t end when he catches the criminals because, in addition, he is also a District Attorney who prosecutes the guilty parties.  Unfortunately, Justice is not always blind [Although in some cases it is as we'll learn when we are introduced to his blind girlfriend, Justice, but we'll get to her later] and some evildoers with the proper pull can beat the system.  So what’s a guy to do?

Well, if he’s our hero a lot because, at night he unwittingly transforms into his alter ego: a shirtless, raven-haired vampire, who stalks the city in search of those who escaped justice.  And wears his hair in a ponytail to ensure nobody recognizes him.  Although his vampire self is aware of his human self, the reverse isn’t true, leading to innumerable ludicrous close calls.

Hunter is a quiet, introspective loaner – who also happens to be supported by a colorful cast of characters including…

His longtime sidekick by day is Lou, a grizzled veteran of the city’s overextended police department – who ends up getting killed in the pilot, only two days away from retirement and the promise of his golden years spent sailing the high seas with his loving wife June who, incidentally, also dies of a heart attack after receiving word of Lou’s sudden passing.  His new partner will be a dark-haired female rookie with a chip on her shoulder.

His sidekick by night is his handsome former college roommate, an incorrigible womanizing, wise-cracking wizard zombie that maintains his good looks via the magic blood that keeps his body alive even though he is…undead.  By day, he assumes the staid identity of a mysophobic local pawnbroker who provides leads in various investigations.  Bromance abounds!

Mentor to his vampire self is a wise, diminutive and crotchety – yet lovable! – mysterious older gentleman who we will come to discover is his uncle and actually eight hundred years old.

His girlfriend, Justice, is, blind.  But this doesn’t keep this sexy former model from dong what she does best: computer hacking and being sassy.  In the first season finale, we will learn that Justice is, in fact, a vampire hunter charged with ridding the city of Hunter’s alter ego. But she will eventually develop feelings for the brooding night stalker as well and eventually find herself torn by her love for both men – and her duty.

His rival is a defense attorney by day and bloodthirsty werewolf by night.  The two cross paths and clash on a daily and nightly basis, unaware of each other’s true identities.

Also making life difficult for his vampire self is the hit man the underworld has hired to deal with him, a cross-wielding Cardinal from the wrong side of the tracks who will eventually assume the mantle of arch rival.

Behind the various criminals and gangsters our hero will face on a daily and nightly basis is an elusive criminal mastermind, a mysterious wheelchair-bound individual who sits behind the scenes, pulling the strings, seeking to end the lives of both Hunter and vampire.  BUT in the show’s biggest twist, we reveal that this Big Bad is a third personality of Hunter’s, an evil entity who is unaware of his physical connection to the men he has sworn to kill.

The only one privy to everyone’s secrets is Hunter’s telepathic dog, Quince, who maintains his own high intelligence and ability to speak a secret – although he will occasionally use both, behind the scenes, to help Hunter out.  Quince also serves as the series narrator, opening and closing each episode in snarky fashion and bridging the narrative gaps for audience members who have trouble understanding English.

Once we’ve signed off on this overview, we can move on to the pilot which will have plenty of jeopardy, flashbacks to medieval times, and a ticking clock that will take the form of an actual ticking clock on the right hand upper corner of the screen, a suspenseful little addition to the show.

So far, so awesome, no?

March 12, 2013: Ah, screw it! Let’s create our own show!

It’s amazing how things can turn on a dime in this business.  One day, you’re considering casting choices for your upcoming all-but-green-lit project and the next, you’re shifting hopes and focus to that pilot script you finished last week.  Sure, it’s disappointing and incredibly frustrating, but what makes it so infinitely galling is how quickly things can go south.  And, more often than not, for completely inane reasons. Shit. The network just cancelled a show featuring a protagonist with curly hair.  Curly haired protagonist shows are out!  Sorry.  Wait. What? Why don’t we just change our curly-haired protagonist to a protagonist with straight to moderately wavy hair?  Okay, but another network just cancelled a show in which one of the characters wears sandals.  Nobody wants to watch sandal-wearing characters anymore! Hang on.  Maybe these shows were cancelled for reasons other than hair and sandals – say something a little more egregious like, oh, the fact that they simply weren’t very good?

Maybe.  And then again, maybe not.  I had a conversation with someone who has worked in the industry for many years.  According to her, the common denominator for many of today’s successful shows is their ability to be followed without actually being watched.  In other words, consider them radio plays of sorts that can be haphazardly monitored and enjoyed while you’re doing something else like, presumably, chores, surfing the internet, or dissolving that corpse in a mixture of sodium hydroxide and water.  I find it hard to argue otherwise because, as I mentioned in a previous entry, I’m a fickle t.v. viewer.  I tend to prefer those handful of shows that require your undivided attention, shows like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, The Shield, Rome, Arrested Development.

The way I see it, I have one of three choices.  1. I can keep fighting the good fight – which, quite frankly, doesn’t really hold the allure it once did.  2.  I can give up and consider another profession.  MMA fighter maybe?  3.  Or, I can accept the reality and shift focus to creating something a little more in line with what seems to be working out there.  Yes, perhaps it’s time to revisit Detective Vampire M.D., Attorney At Law.  And I’m going to need YOUR help to do it!

For the next couple of days, this blog’s comments section will be transformed into our own private writer’s room.  Together, we will create the perfect series, an amalgamation of every trendy element on television today, a programmer’s sublime Frankenstein monster.  So far, we know that our protagonist is a doctor who uses his medical knowledge to solve crimes and then prosecutes the guilty parties.  But, here’s the twist: he’s also a vampire!  BUT he doesn’t know it so he leads a double-life.  During the day, he’s just your typical doctor/detective/lawyer but, at night, he prowls the city’s rooftops, feeding on the criminals who escape the justice meted out by his alter-ego.  And he’s aided by his sidekick, a lovable wizard zombie.  Oh, and the show is a semi-musical.

That’s all I got so far so I’ll need you to fill in the rest.  Who are our supporting characters?  The sassy best friend?  The kooky coroner? The sassy kid?  The cranky father/neighbor/police commissioner?  The sassy mother/neighbor/computer genius?  The telepathic dog?  Please consider making him sassy.  What happens in the pilot?  Remember rule #1 of pilot script writing = It is imperative that the audience not be confused at any point or be left with any questions.  This would be quite alarming for them, so make sure the script leaves no narrative stone unturned in letting us know absolutely everything about our characters, what the show is about, and where it’s going to go.   Explain absolutely everything.  Which brings us to rule #2 of pilot script writing = Avoid heavy exposition.  Finally, what’s the plan for the first season?  And who do you see playing the part of our anti-hero? His chiropractor?  The mouthy elevator boy?

Just post your thoughts right here.  Don’t be shy.  Whether you’re an accountant, a sherpa, or an elephant sperm collector – it doesn’t matter.  You too can be a writer because all that’s really required is a willingness to sit around all day, making shit up.  And a willingness to have your script fixed by accountants, sherpas, and elephant sperm collectors.

And no self-censoring!  Remember, there are no bad ideas.

Apparently.

March 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit!

Watching The Spirit be like being trapped in elevator wit chatty, pompous – albeit well-dressed – douchebag suffering from explosive diarrhea.  For 90+ excruciating minutes. Forget waterboarding; dis film be worser cruel and inhuman punishment.  By de point where Samuel L. Jackson strut onto stage in gestapo Nazi regalia to deliver arch, long-winded speech, me already blubbering, broken monster ready to give up anyting to make it stop.

Gabriel Macht’s most memorable role since he played part of Tal Weaver in Beverly Hills 90210

Movie open on cheesy voice-over delivered by De Spirit, a superhero trying very hard to do his best gravely-voiced Batman imitation.  He yammer on about his city as we be treated to silly stylized shots of him beating up muggers.  We learn everyting dat on his mind…becuz he tell us.  Constantly!  Throughout dis entire movie, we subjekted to his annoying voice-overs in which he tell us exaktly what he be tinking – even though it already be pretty obvious.  After a while, you want to shout at de screen: “We know all dis!  Shut de F up and get on wit de movie!”

Spirit arrive on scene of shooting.  He help cop pull detective out of lake.  Spirit point out: “He’s still breathing.”  Yeah, no kidding.  Guy be moving around and clearly conscious so chances are good he’s still breathing, you idiot.  Monster suspekt his heart beating too!  Why not point dat out as well?  Suddenly, dey ambushed by villain, de Octopus, who trow a big chunk of rock at Spirit’s head –  but not before yelling “Heads up!” so dat Spirit have ample warning.

De Spirit and Octopus face off in one of de stoopidest over-de-top mud fight sekwences in cinematic history complete wit giant wrenches, toilets, and big floppy hats.  Two tings be pretty obvious here: 1) both dese guys be indestruktible, and 2) Frank Miller should never be allowed to direkt another movie.  Octopus eskape wit help from his side kick, sexy Silken Floss and clone thugs.

Dr. Octopus?

Shot detective die but Spirit recover locket he be clutching.  Turn out locket belong to Sans Serif (not to be confused wit de font), a girl he grew up wit and still loves.  How we know dis?  Becuz we treated to corny flashback.  AND de point hammered home by more pointless voice-over.  Spirit decide he have to find her.  We know dis becuz he tells us in another voice-over.  And becuz he aktually tries to find her.

Cut to Octopus’s sewer lair where he, dressed up as samurai and Silken dressed up as kimono for reasons known only to direktor, kill off clone thugs while offering expository info dump.  He be after a vase holding de blood of Heracles dat will make him immortal.  And Sans Serif holding de goods!

We introduced to more boring charakters: a detektive and his daughter, de Medical Examiner, who madly in love wit Spirit – even tho she not know his real name.  Monster’s money be on Boring McTedious.

San Serif drop in on creepy businessman and force him to commit suicide, leaving behind her calling card.  A “Z” like Zorro?  Nope.  A photocopy of her ass.

While Octopus back at his lab checking out a cloned hopping foot wit a tiny head on top (Monster not making dis up), Spirit track San Serif down to hotel room.  He surprize her and she get upset and accidentally push him too hard – and out window.  He get coat snagged on de way down and we treated to “hilarious” sekwence of him, wit his pants down around his ankles, trying to use his belt to snag a lifeline.

More inner monologue.  He somehow end up in sewers (Well, dat was easy!) where Silken walk up to him and injekt him wit drug, knocking him out.  Well, dat was even easier!

He wake up tied to chair in front of giant stage where sword-wielding belly-dancer sashay before him.  But she only de opening akt!  Next up, Octopus come out dressed as Nazi and give loooong speech, den order belly-dancer to kill Spirit.

What de Fudgee-o going on here?

LUCKILY, Spirit happen to know belly dancer and, instead of killing him, she free him.  What are de chances?!  She help him eskape, den stick him wit sword becuz, apparently, it was a bad break up.

Samuel L. Jackson furry cosplay.

Octopus orchestrate exchange wit San Serif.  But, before he can get vase, he double-cross her.  Why?  Why not just conklude de deal and take de vase he be desperately after dis entire movie?  Why risk everyting?  Why?  Becuz dat what de skript say of course!

Spirit arrive!  Den cops!  Shootout!  Vase broken and blood of Heracles spilled (Seriously, if it be dat important to you, why not just lick it off de ground?).  Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger – dat Silken take for safekeeping.  And possible cloning.

Spirit kiss Sans Serif goodbye and confirm his love for Medical Examiner.  Even tho she still not know his name.

Cue annoying ending voice-over monologue.

Verdikt: A ridikulous, pretentious, boring, annoyingly self-indulgent wankfest.  But pretty to look at!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Tagged: comic book movies, Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Spirit, The Supermovie of the Week Club

March 10, 2013: The Doggy Update and News of Note!

I think my pug, Bubba, may be losing his hearing.  As I mentioned the other day, he seems out of sorts lately, drifting off for long stretches as if deep in thought, no longer bounding into the kitchen at the merest sound of the refrigerator door opening.  Today, he exhibited atypically calm behavior in the face of two things that always used to rile him up in the past: 1. A barking dog, and 2. Sara Jessica Parker.  We were out for a walk when we happened by the home of one of his neighborhood enemies, a yappy yorkie who went absolutely berserk as we strolled along.  For his part, Bubba was oblivious.  Granted, we were across the street, but in the past he would have reacted.  And then, later today while Akemi was watching her DVD’s and the theme to Sex and the City came on, Bubba didn’t even notice.  A month ago, the opening notes would have set him off, barking and howling at the t.v., his canine fury rising at the onscreen sight of Sara Jessica Parker in her pink tutu.  Today – nothing.

Okay, he IS an older dog (11 this September) but the change in him has been sudden and dramatic.

My other, older pug, Jelly, meanwhile, has problems of her own.  She is almost certainly deaf (has been for quite some time) and her hip dysplasia makes it very difficult for her to get around, so I’ll often find myself chauffeuring her up and down the stairs, onto and off the bed, out to and in from the back yard.  Despite her obvious discomfort walking, she’s in very good spirits, vocal and waggy – but she was decidedly less so the other night.  She was sitting on her usual perch atop the pillow beside me when she decided to turn around and get comfy.  She shifted, obviously misjudged the room she had, and ended up tumbling off the side of the bed.  Fortunately – or not – instead of hitting the floor, she ended up getting wedged, upside down, between the mattress and the night table, crying out until I was able to rescue her.

Clearly, my dogs are getting old.

Except, of course, for my french bulldog, Lulu.  She’s always on!

The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food!  Check out this excerpt from Michael Moss’s Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked US: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine…ichaelmoss&_r=0

Along those same lines, secrets of the sugar industry: Sugar industry’s secret documents revealed

Hey, reality t.v. junkies!  5 Depressing Realities Behind Popular Reality TV Shows  Next thing you know, they’ll be saying that Mystery Diners show is faked!

It’s Mistress Elvira’s School for Wayward Vampire Children.  What did you expect?  Norway teacher fired after children taste her blood

Bill’s dead.  What a relief.  Now we’ll no longer be bombarded by his annoying tweets.  No, wait!  A Way to Post and Tweet From Beyond the Grave – WSJ.com

9 Dead Authors With Insanely Active Social Media Accounts 

‘These things right here are worth $5 million!’ Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to …  What, exactly, has to happen that would require the insurance company pay off Jennifer Lopez’s 27 million dollar ass insurance?

Er, is that Zombie Jughead?  Archie Takes on the Undead

Tagged: french bulldogs, pugs