Mollie Cox Bryan's Blog, page 21

Finding the Bond in Mothering and our Choices

Please note: I wrote this short essay as part of my now defunct column, Thoroughly Modern Mollie, which was a slice-of-life parenting column. Now it’s been compiled into an e-book: HONEY, I’M SORRY I KILLED YOUR AQUASAURS (and other short essays of the parenting life). There’s another focus in the media these days about stay-at-home mothering verses “working” mothering. I’d like to say it’s completely bogus, but that has not been my experience as a woman who stopped working outside of the home when I had children. There’s a lot of tension around this issue. And there should be. Parenting should be under the microscope; we need to be vigilant in our parenting, with the acknowledgement that there is no blanket answer for everybody. With all of the recent media attention on the issue, I was reminded of this particular column. Enjoy.

If you look, you can find inspiration anywhere—nature, literature, the arts. Sometimes the least likely place to find inspiration is in a church. But one of my most recent “light-bulb” moments came at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Waynesboro and from one of its most active and incredible members—Carolyn Menk.

My parenting column came up in a conversation we had. I said how excited I am to be writing about such a rich topic and how different it is to be a stay-at home mom now than say, when my mom stayed at home. There was so much more support then.

Carolyn, who is a recently retired nurse, smiled and said. “Yes you’re right. When I was raising my children, I had just the opposite lack of support. I felt I had a profession and wanted to continue working. And boy, even my mother, could not understand.”

We discussed the guilt, the lack of support, and the courage it takes to follow you own heart. Because that is what I am doing now and that is what Carolyn did all those years ago.

Later it occurred to me how strange and almost absurd our conversation was. I mean, first of all, what is it about mothering and our choices that make it okay for folks to feel they can pass judgment? Nobody would make the same judgments about our husbands, would they?

As is usually the case, my own mother has had problems with the choices I have made it my life—though she does support my decision to stay at home. But her ideas about it are different than mine. For example. I mentioned to her how difficult it can be when Eric, my husband is working late or on a business trip and after being with Emma all day, I am the one to have to put her down (which is no easy task) at night. I enjoy my daughter, but long for that evening relief.

“What?’ she exclaimed loudly into the phone. “You’re staying at home. That’s your responsibility. Well, your father never helped me with that. He’d play with you in the evening and hand you right back to me.”

In her own way, my mom hit the nail on the head when it comes to the new paradigm in parenting. My husband not only participates in all phases of the care of our child, but does so joyfully. And I could not be more happy about that. I think that we are all winners in this situation. Eric gets to spend time with Emma, I get a much needed break, and most of all, Emma is benefiting from spending time with him.

Eric also participates in the household chores. He does not expect that I should be the 1950s version of a housewife and mother—doing all the cooking, cleaning, raising the babies, and looking good while I am doing it all. I am staying at home to spend time with Emma and that is what we both consider to be important right now.

That is our choice. But there are many choices. When I think of the choice that Carolyn made, and many other women like her, including my own grandmother, I applaud them for following their own bliss. I think that one of the best things we can doing for our children is to be happy people and if that means working outside the home, then so be it, as long as their needs are always central.

I have a good friend who recently decided to go back to work part-time because staying at home with her two girls was just “too difficult.” She went through the usual self-evaluation and emotional ups and downs before she came to that decision. I think that if she was unhappy and stressed out as a stay-at-home mom, she did what was best by going back to work. She is much happier now and her girls are none worse for the wear.

Too many times stay-at-home moms and working moms seem to be at odds, judging each others choices, and becoming overly defensive about their own. I don’t think we need judge one another, but to support each other. Each of our decisions is wrought with the challenges and the joys that go hand in hand with parenting.

You might think that my conversation with Carolyn could have been somewhat tense because of our different perspectives. But we found a common bond in our mothering and in our choices, no matter how different the situations. And that truly is inspiring.

Five things I thought about during my morning run:

1. These older folks I see almost every time I am at the gym. They are plodding along. You have just got to hand it to them. They are doing what's best for them–and their families–by taking care of themselves. It ain't easy.

2.Emma has been at a friend's house all night. She keeps texting me. I love that.

3. Man, I am still sore from our hike the other day. I just was not wearing the right kind of shoes.

4. All of the "smashing" we are doing lately. Check out my blog post on Killer Hobbies today.

5. Stunned bird on the track today.

Thursday Killer Hobbies Post

Today, I'm blogging about spring break and Smash books at Killer Hobbies. We've been so inspired by them in the Bryan household. Check it out.

Guest Posting on the Mystery Lover's Kitchen Blog

I love this blog! I was so thrilled when they asked me to guest post. If you don't know the blog and love mysteries—and love to cook—you should check it out. Here is the link: http://www.mysteryloverskitchen.com/

Cheers!

A Real Happy Ever After in My Cozy Mystery

So many mystery writers do a great job of adding a little romance into their stories. As came up in one of the panels I was on at the Virginia Festival of the Book, readers love those relationships. I like them, too. In the my next book, SCRAPBOOK OF SHADOWS, there are some surprising new romances. But if you are looking for that kind of romance in a mystery, you should definitely steer clear of my first book, SCRAPBOOK OF SECRETS. Most of the women in my book are married and more of the focus is on the women and the relationships between them, rather than their marriages, although that does sneak in from time to time.

It's that "sneaking" that has gone over a particular reviewer's head. (And while I don't respond to most negative reviews, I felt that I should address this issue.) This reviewer said my book wasn't a cozy mystery because there was no romance. A lot of cozies DO have romances, but if it's a prerequisite, it has completely escaped my study of the genre—as well as my editor's. That said, there IS a little bit of romance in my book. It just happens to be between married people. Imagine that.

Annie and Mike Chamovitz have obstacles to overcome in their relationship because they have money problems and they have two toddler boys. Parenting can wreak havoc on relationships. Annie and Mike find time for each other—even after their evening is interrupted by a child who needs to be rocked to sleep, for example. Mike is still waiting for Annie in their bed when she returns, tired, but still wanting her husband.

This is the real stuff.

It's also in the memories they've built as a couple, the way he told her when they dated: "We are about so much more than sex."

It's also in the way he not only ignites her body, but also her mind, making her want to be more.

It's also about the way she pours herself into making his favorite spaghetti sauce, preening over it just to make sure it's good enough for the man she loves.

It's also about the way in which he calms her when she almost loses her temper with the boys and tells her that she should get out of the house by herself.

And the way he manages his work schedule so that she can work on her articles.

But it's also about the little bumps that they have in their marriage. She has agreed to stay at home with the boys and give up her journalism. Yet, she finds herself pulled back in. Mike grapples with this, tries to support her, yet isn't happy about it.

They find their way in the muddle of their lives—standing beside one another through the money struggles and the daily weariness.

Once again, this is real stuff. This is what the years of dating, hearts and flowers, and passionate embraces gets you. This is what we all want. This is a real happy ever after. Even with the messes and joys of parenthood, the struggle to find time as a couple, and the wondering if bills will get paid, there is love and yes, a bit of romance.

So while when it comes to reading, I will agree that some things are in the eye of the beholder, but this one thing is not. Look again. Readjust your glasses. You will find not only romance, but also love.

Guest Posting Today!

I'm guest posting today over at the International Thriller Writers. I'm writing about the writer's apprenticeship. http://thethrillbegins.blogspot.com/2...

And don't forget, every Thursday, I post at Killer Hobbies. Today I offer a couple of recipes for a crop. http://killerhobbies.blogspot.com/

The Unexplainable

I love it—the unexplainable, that is.

Here's the thing: so much about this life that's enjoyable is unexplainable. The pull you feel to study engineering, your longing to live in a certain part of the world, or the time you're walking down the street of a huge city and your eyes suddenly find another person's and you just suddenly know, in the midst of the crowd, that this person will have some meaning in your life. Maybe you can explain some things, but this? Nah.

It's the same with the "paranormal." I find it fascinating for so many reasons. I would be a skeptic and often am—except that I've had some unexplainable things happens to me in my life. None of which I will go into here. (Sorry.)

Intellectually, one of the many things I find curious about the paranormal is how it really cannot be proven. I know about the paranormal investigators and so on and even watch some of those shows. But I never see or hear what they are talking about. And when I do there's an explanation—mice, a weird air current in the room, and so on. But. When things like this happen to you, you don't exactly need proof, do you?

But, as I said, I love the unexplainable.

This is why I use the paranormal in my books. I've been asked about the paranormal element in my first book, SCRAPBOOK OF SECRETS. Is Bea's husband really haunting her? Or does she just miss him so much that she imagines him? And if that's the case—how powerful is this thing we call imagination? Can it make something seem so real that we actually wield it into existence? I wonder.

I'm not a "paranormal" writer, meaning I don't have paranormal characters (like werewolves, vampires, fairies, and such) in my books. But what I try to do is entertain possibilities. In my next book, SCRAPBOOK OF SHADOWS, there will also be a bit of a paranormal element, treated much in the same way. It's a different situation and element, completely, but it does entertain possibilities.

As a reader, how do you feel about that when you're reading? Do you want hard cold answers? Or is okay to leave some unanswered questions?

Five things I thought about during my morning run:

1. Squeezing it in. Emma's home sick again today. I wanted to get to the gym. The best I can do is run around the neighborhood. Don't want to be too far from her.

2. I'm really looking forward the the Festival of the Book this weekend in Charlottesville. I'm on a panel on Sat. and tomorrow I'm lunching with the LLL.

3. On lone crow sitting on the tip of that tree, gray clouds moving behind him.

4. Did I feel rain?

5. Uh. Downpour. Suddenly. Yep. It's spring in Virginia.

Lessons Learned about My Own Book

Last night I was the guest at a book discussion group meeting at Stone Soup Books in Waynesboro. SCRAPBOOK OF SECRETS was under the microscope. As a writer, this was an nerve-wracking experience. It really forced me to look at my work in ways that I had not really considered—which is an odd feeling, to say the least. But I am so close to my characters and my story that sometimes I wonder if I see my work clearly at all.

Here are some surprising revelations I learned from readers last night:

1. My cozy mystery is really pushing boundaries of what a cozy mystery is. (This was not my intention, necessarily.) One of those reasons, according the readers last night, is that it's a complex story line—not simply about the murder but also about these women's lives and families and so on. I think other cozies do this, as well. But because I have three points of view, it's more prominent, perhaps. But make no mistake, my book is squarely in the cozy genre—there is no graphic violence or sex, meaning you don't SEE it happening. All of it takes place off-camera, so to speak.

2. This book is reflective of the community in which I live. By community, I suppose I mean "region" as well as Waynesboro, my town. The readers who were there last night were all people who moved here—not locals—and they related to Annie's experiences as an outsider. I knew I was writing about my area, of course, but what I didn't realize is the extent to which it's recognizable.

3. Beatrice's knife in her neck business has a lot of people talking. Suffice it to say, I based this on a true story I had read about years ago.

4. When I was asked about the sex component in my book, it gave me pause. I really don't know why I chose the particular discussion about the particular kind of sex in my book. All I can say is that I found it interesting and I think most other people think it's interesting, as well, though they might not admit it. That intrigues me in the same way that many of American's puritanical views of sex intrigue me, when the porn and erotica industry continues to thrive. We, basically, are hypocrites about sex. As a writer, I like to play with that idea, as well as the idea that we never really know what our neighbors are up to. And sometimes that's a good thing—sometimes, it's not.

5. People are trying to figure out who I based my characters on. As writers, we are really sponges, soaking up all of our experiences with people and events and so on. As I was writing the book, I in no way intended any of the characters to be reflective of myself or of anybody I know. But, of course, bits and pieces of myself and everybody I know are in my characters. You don't really think about this when you're writing, or else it will drive you batty.

6. Many, many, cozy mysteries have a romance element in them, as was pointed out to me last night. I think this is due to the fact that many of the amateur sleuths are young-ish, single women. All of my croppers are married—at least at the start of the book—and so their views reflect that. The only romantic element is within marriages, all of which has ups and down. Later, in the book, there is another romantic element that comes into play. But we never see that—just hear about it. In fact, as I thought it about it last night, I think my book is kind of an anti-romantic mystery. It's more of the day-to-day-working-it-out kind of book—which some of us find romantic in another kind of sense.

All in all it was a great discussion and I hope to meet with more book groups both in my area and outside of it. I'm available by Skype and am eager to try that out. In the mean time, I hope to meet some readers this weekend at the Virginia Festival of the Book in Charlottesville. I'll be on a panel Saturday morning—"Add Murder to my Resume"—then I'll be signing books. If you're in the area, please stop by.

Catch Me, if You Can!

Whew! It's been a pleasant whirlwind these past few weeks. Just thought I'd take a moment to catch my breath and fill you in. Last weekend, I taught a fabulous group at the Chesterfield County Library Writer's Conference in Richmond. Of course, I got lost driving through Richmond—but that's another story.

This weekend, I'm closer to home. tomorrow, I'll be speaking about food in Southern literature at the Augusta County Library, here in Fishersville. At least I know I won't get lost. I'll be speaking at 1:00 and selling and signing SCRAPBOOK OF SECRETS.

I'm really looking forward to discussing my book with a mystery book group at Stone Soup Books on Tuesday night at 7. That should be fun. (Just so you know, I'm available for books groups everywhere, via Skype).

Speaking of fun, next week is the Virginia Festival of the Book—one of my favorite festivals. I'll be on a panel on Saturday at 10 a.m. "Add Murder to My Resume." If you are in the area, you should really try to come. It's a fabulous experience with many, many authors and panels and events, most of which are free. Check it out here.

After this event, I have a bit of a break—at least in terms of appearances. But behind the scenes, I am working on book three of the Cumberland Creek trilogy and I just sent book two back to my editor. Things are moving right along for me. And what about you?