O.M. Grey's Blog, page 10
April 23, 2013
Steampunk Spotlight: Bellows of the Bone Box
Great new anthology of Steampunk Horror! Bellows of the Bone Box is the latest title from Sirens Call Publications, and it contains twelve (12) great short stories, including my very own erotic horror story “Love is for the Living.”
From the Amazon.com description:
The Steampunk and Horror genres are masterfully combined in the twelve stories contained within Bellows of the Bone Box. Each of the authors has transported you to an age where steam is the dominate means of power and has woven a tale that will fascinate, or possibly scandalize you. In this volume, you will find clockworks, pneumatic tubes, airships, and leather worn out of necessity – not vanity. Can an engine be powered by human blood; should it be? What about body modification; what happens when the mechanical meets the biological and goes awry? Does the heart rule the machine, or does the machine consume the humanity that once existed within it? What of airships, regeneration, or hallucination; is it safe to trifle with such things? Should technology that can rift time and dimensions be researched; and if that research proves fruitful, should it ever see the light of day? Packed full of intrigue, imagination, and horror, lovers of Steampunk will have a hard time deciding which of the twelve is their favorite!
Get your copy in paperback, on the Kindle (or for your Kindle app), or in various other eBook formats via Smashwords.
Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: author, erotic horror, erotica, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, romance, sex, short story, steampunk, vampires, victorian
April 20, 2013
Avalon Reviewed
Great new review for Avalon Revisited by VampChix at the Bite Club.
Great opening that sets the scene for a world you could only imagine, with airships, bloodletting devices, vampire detectors, and brothels, Avalon Revisited is an erotic alternate history that includes one very spoiled vampire prowling the dance halls of England, preying on the fine ladies of society.
The devil is in the details which in this case made the pacing at the beginning a bit slower than I expected, but once the mystery of murder was brought in and Arthur applied himself to seducing Avalon you appreciated the time spent learning about each character. I would have preferred a less spoiled version of the depraved and cavalier Arthur because at the beginning he came across like the brother he despised, and that made it hard to like him, which I suspect was quite intentional on the author’s part, and his behavior was very true to men of that time period. Eventually Arthur grows on you (it doesn’t take long) and as a reader of paranormal romance I found his transformation in the name of love to be well done, indeed. From about midway on events move rather quickly with a few surprises added to the mix, and although one twist was picked up on rather quickly, I thought the ending was just what I wanted.
I’ll definitely add Avalon Revamped to my reading list!
Thanks VampChix!
I’d love to hear what you think of Avalon Revisited readers. Get your very own copy of this Amazon Gothic Romance bestseller in paperback, on Kindle, or in various other eBook formats via the publisher.
Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: author, avalon, avalon revamped, avalon revisited, bdsm, book, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, review, romance, sex, steampunk, vampchix, vampires, victorian
April 19, 2013
The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 16 & 17
Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.
The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.
Appropriate for teens.
The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 16 & 17.
Download: ZM_Podcast_CH16-17.mp3
Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).
Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Fiction Podcast
Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, england, hyde park, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer
April 12, 2013
The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 15
Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.
The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.
Appropriate for teens.
The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 15.
Download: ZM_Podcast_CH15.mp3
Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).
Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Fiction Podcast
Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, england, hyde park, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer
April 9, 2013
Steamy Steampunk ON SALE!!
For sale this week on Riverdale Ave Books’ $2.99 Tuesday is my very own AVALON REVISITED!
What readers say (from Amazon.com reviews):
“The book snags you from the first page and keeps you riveted all the way through. And definitely left me wanting more at the end!” ~ Beth Case
“I loved reading Avalon Revisited. The adventure was entertaining and dark, while the interactions between characters was light hearted and “cheeky.” I loved how classy the sex scenes were. I wish more adult novels were like this one, where the sex isn’t so cheesy. All-in-all, a very fun read.” ~Mistress V
“First of all, I cannot Wait for the sequel! Avalon Revisited was my first “steampunk” book, but not my first vampire love story. It’s dark, gritty, gory, twisted, and delightful. I would recommend this to anyone who loves sexy horror books!” ~ Erin M
“It is fun, fresh, thrilling (in SO many ways….
), and will keep you guessing at every turn. Miss Olivia is able to concoct an adventure like it’s going out of style. Her characters are honest, believable, and not without depth. I am anxiously awaiting more from this wonderful author!!” ~ Mathilde
“The novel offers many fabulously enjoyable elements: passion, mystery, atmosphere, romance and humor. I loved the tone and the steampunk ambience. Grey doesn’t lay it on too thickly like some authors; the steampunk elements serve the characters and plot. Great read!” ~Meredith Collins
Get your copy today either straight from the publisher or via Amazon for your Kindle (or Kindle app for your smart phone, tablet, or computer).
Please share with your networks.
-_Q
Read more reviews and more of my work, available online and in print.
Peace.
Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: amazon, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, book, ebook, kindle, love, olivia grey, riverdale ave books, romance, sex, steampunk, vampires, victorian
April 3, 2013
What They Said…
I’ve come across so many wonderful articles over the past few weeks in the wake of the Steubenville Rape Trial. Here is a sampling of those articles with links back. Please read through them. They’ve all said these things so much better than I have the energy to at the moment.
Peace.
-_Q
Hey Teenage Boys! Worried About Steubenville? Don’t Be!
So, how to not be Trent Mays and get locked up:
First, Trent Mays isn’t a good guy who gave in to temptation to get off. What they did, over the course of a few hours, was a long series of doing stuff to that girl and then documenting it in pictures and video, not really for their own sexual satisfaction, but because they thought that humiliating her in sexual ways when she was too out of it to do anything about it was funny. You can read more here.
Second, most rapes are not rapes committed by strangers. Maybe 80% or 85% of rapes are by someone the victim knows. Most of them don’t involve any actual force; they involve alcohol, and the victim is either passed out or too drunk to know what’s happening. Sometimes other drugs are involved and sometimes the victim gets slipped a drug they didn’t mean to take, but mostly, the real “date rape drunk” is plain old alcohol. Why? Well, mostly because guys who rape girls who are drunk usually get away with it. Her memory is usually impaired, prosecutors and juries look down on her for being drunk, and she may be too embarrassed to even tell anyone. So guys who want to rape know what to look for. And there are guys who like to rape. In fact, most rapes are not about confusion or miscommunication, they are planned by a small percentage of guys who are complete dicks, and like to take advantage of drunk girls, by which I mean, to rape them. You can read more here, here and here.
Okay, so are you ready for the foolproof plan not to get charged with rape?
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Steubenville: Humiliation Was The Point of the Exercise
One thing we say sometimes, those of us who talk about Yes Means Yes, and enthusiastic consent or affirmative consent, is who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t enthusiastically participating? The implied answer is, “nobody!”
But that’s not a complete answer. The truth is that some people do want sex with someone who isn’t participating - who is actively resisting, or who is too out of it to respond. And who those people are tell us a lot about rape and why it happens. In particular, it tells us a lot about gang rape and why and how it happens.
I’ve been struck by the similarities between this case and both the Glen Ridge, New Jersey rape in 1989 and the Haidl case in Corona Del Mar, California in 2002. All three produced convictions, all three involved high school boys, several of them and one female victim, and all three involved extremely privileged boys — in Steubenville and Glen Ridge, football players, and in Corona Del Mar, a really rich local politico’s kid.
One other thing they have in common: nothing about them seemed like they were oriented around physical sexual stimulation for the boys. The key, driving dynamic was a shared group experience of sexual humiliation of the girl.
READ MORE (warning: graphic details) on YES MEANS YES
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How Media Can Help Stop Rape
With the verdict in on the Steubenville rape, we are now confronted with yet another case involving two 13-year-old girls in Torrington, Conn., who say they were sexually assaulted by three young men. Presumably, the media will say these boys had a “bright future” ahead of them just as it said of the Steubenville boys. And just as in Steubenville, I expect the mainstream media to play the same game it always does—ignoring the victim and focusing entirely on how this will impact the lives of the rapists.
I think it’s time we talk about not just what went wrong, but what needs to happen differently from now on. What needs to happen to not only help survivors, but to prevent rape in the short-term. Starting yesterday.
The fourth branch of the government, aka the media, has a responsibility just as the other three branches to help put an end to the crime of rape. That they’re doing it wrong is evidenced by angry responses to CNN’s rapist-centric coverage of the Steubenville case.
Portraying the perpetrators as sympathetic characters and ignoring the survivor and what she went through is nothing new in the media (neither is having the media re-victimize the survivor). Blaming the victim is par for the course. In the media coverage of rape cases globally, there are the usual caveats of “Don’t get drunk or you’ll get raped.” But the cautionary message is even more insidious than it first appears. This sort of coverage also says to communities and families: “Please tell your kids not to commit rape because it will ruin their lives,” as opposed to “Stop rape from happening because it’s a terrible crime against a human being.”
…..
I realized the assumption that we can’t do something about rape in the short-term was incorrect when I got more vocal about how victim-blaming was wrong. A very close friend of mine called me one day after reading an article on rape I’d posted on Facebook. She told me she had been raped years ago. She cried on the phone; I consoled her. It was my first time finding out about a friend’s rape.
I figured it was just a freak accident, that my other friends were more careful and likely have avoided getting raped—that kind of thing. I was wrong. I got a message from another friend a few weeks later about her rape. Since then, every time I’ve written about rape, I’ve had more friends confess to me that they, too, have been raped.
In just over a year, I’ve lost count of how many people I know who’ve been raped or sexually assaulted. I’ve known these women for years, if not decades, but they only opened up to me after they realized that I would believe them. That I wouldn’t ostracize them. And, most important, that I won’t be blaming them for what happened. Some made a point of explaining to me that the only reason they were telling me was because they were comfortable, knowing they wouldn’t be judged and that I wouldn’t be sympathizing with the perpetrator.
READ MORE on WOMEN UNDER SEIGE
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A Woman Walks into a Rape, Uh, Bar
Let me tell you a thing you might not know: the inability to hear rape “jokes” without flashbacks, Hulk rage, and “air quotes” is one of the enduring parting gifts of a rapist.
Here is how this goes:
It is a lovely summer day. You have some beers, and you and some friends are sitting on a front porch in the breeze and the sun, shooting the shit. You start talking about politics, and then the Army. You mention that you have considered joining the Army in the past, but won’t, because you can’t pledge loyalty to an organization that discriminates against gays (a round of agreement ensues, so hugely moral are we), and as a woman, you can’t reasonably aspire to join an organization that is far more likely to brutally rape you (and brutally cover it up) than the general population.
One of your friends says, “But isn’t that actually a benefit of the Army? Hur hur hur.” Oh, how you wish your friend were an ardent feminist, so you could interpret his comment as a dry observation of the brutal truth, framed humorously to prevent suicide all around. But no, you know he is making a funnay, the punchline being you and every woman you know.
Several options flash through your head.
Say Nothing. Hope the conversation does not continue extolling the virtues of rape, making saying nothing harder. Hate yourself for saying nothing. Notice girl sitting on the porch of the house next to you who has heard what was said. Notice her similar reactions. Hate yourself more for saying nothing, because she has probably been raped, too, because you don’t know any woman who hasn’t. Hate your friend, because he doesn’t know that every woman he knows has been raped. Have minor flashbacks of what was done to you…
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Eight reasons why victim-blaming needs to stop: Writers, activists, and survivors speak out
There are several excerpts from other blogs on this page, and it would behoove you to read all of them. Here’s one:
The accounts we receive on the Everyday Sexism Project website reveal how heartbreakingly prevalent victim-blaming is. A university student wrote that she receives regular faculty e-mails telling female students “not to go home alone in the darkness.” But “if you ask male students, they don’t even know about the problem…they come up with, ‘She wore a skirt, she asked for it.’”
Another young woman wrote: “I have friends who have been raped and not told anyone because they had passed out drunk and so felt it was there [sic] fault.” Yet another account reads: “I was raped at a party after being drugged… .When I had the courage to tell what happened I was blamed by everyone. I had to do a lot of tests, including HIV and no one supported me. My family and friends abandoned me saying it was all my fault because I acted like a whore.”
These stories go on and on: Strangers judge and blame; family members refuse to believe survivors; survivors blame themselves. This internalized finger-pointing is perhaps the hardest to hear about. In addition to everything else they must bear, victims are forced to carry the heavy burden of self-blame.
Often, they report that this prevents them from telling anybody about what has happened. Social misconceptions about rape and rapists also play a significant role.
One girl described being raped at 14. “Took me years to even label that a rape,” she said. “In my head, it was my fault. And everybody knows that rapists aren’t cute boys, they are shady men hiding in bushes, right?” Another woman reported being told by a nurse, as she had blood tests after being raped, to “be more careful next time.”
We’ve received hundreds of accounts. But almost none report justice, conviction, or even criticism of the perpetrator by the confidant the victim chose to tell.
READ MORE on WOMEN UNDER SEIGE
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Patriarchy Dominates Media’s Steubenville Coverage
Despite attempts by the football-proud community to cover up the story, a cell of the hacker collective Anonymous called “KnightSec” unleashed Operation Roll Red Roll, leaking a 12-minute video of the rapists and their friends laughing about their crime, even underscoring the fact that it was a rape as they drunkenly laughed about the unconscious teenager being unable to wake up despite a “wang in the butthole.” Before Anonymous seized the Twitter account of Michael Nodianos, the boy talking in the video, they took a screenshot of him commenting on a picture of the unconscious rape victim by saying, “Song of the night is definitely Rape Me by Nirvana.”
On March 12, in the midst of the trial, Good Morning America ran a segment called “Steubenville Rape Case: What You Haven’t Heard” that focused entirely on the perspective of the rapists, coming from a storied high school football team, who just happened to rape someone after partying too hard. Their only passing mentions of the victim were intertwined with either how much she was coming on to her rapist at the first party, or how drunk she was as the night went on, and even how gentlemanly her rapist had been when he chivalrously gave his rape victim his coat so she wouldn’t get cold. From the story:
“Several witnesses said that once outside, the girl needed to stop in the street because she was sick again. “She throws up on her blouse and takes her blouse off,” Ma’lik said. “And then she asked for something to drink and I gave her my jacket to cover her up.”
The Good Morning America story capped their account of the lovable, complex, human rapists with a lamenting sentence about how a conviction would ensure “almost certain demise of their dreams of playing football.”
And of course, after the verdict was read, CNN infamously framed their sensationalized coverage with video of the teen rapists crying as they apologized for their crimes, and commentary from two talking heads about how the boys’ lives will never be the same, and how they’ll have the albatross of being labeled as a sex offender for the rest of their lives. CNN pundits had nothing to offer on how being gang-raped while unconscious will undoubtedly scar the 16-year-old victim for life, or how nights like that Aug. 11 in Steubenville happen every day across America, to high school girls, college girls, and adult women alike. The entire sad story of Steubenville reeks of patriarchal culture.
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The Day I Taught Not To Rape
“Ms. Norman” another kid called, “Have you heard about that rape case in Ohio? Those guys got convicted. They have to go to jail. They are going to lose their scholarships. They were going to D-1 schools!”
“Well…”I responded, feeling the heat crawl up my neck, “maybe they are going to jail for rape because THEY ARE RAPISTS!” I yelled those last three words at my kids and watched as some of them blinked in surprise. Apparently, the thought had never occurred to them that these athletes who were convicted of rape, were in fact rapists.
It is a strange thing about looking into the face of a 15-year-old, to really see who they are. You still see the small child that their mother sees. You see the man or woman they will be before they graduate. They are babies whose innocence you want desperately to protect. They are old enough to know better, even if no one has taught them.
I realized then that some of my kids were genuinely confused. “How can she be raped?” they asked, “She wasn’t awake to say no.” These words out of a full fledged adult would have made me furious. I did get a good few minutes in response on victim blaming and why it is so terrible. But out of the face of a kid who still has baby fat, those words just made me sick. My students are still young enough, that mostly they just spout what they have learned, and they have learned that absent a no, the yes is implied.
It is uncomfortable to think that some of the students you still call babies have the potential to be rapists. It is sickening, it is terrifying, but it is true. It is a reality we have to face. My students have lived in a world for fifteen years where the joke “she probably wanted it” isn’t really a joke, they need to unlearn some lessons that no one will admit to teaching them.
Standing in front of my classroom and stating that a woman’s clothing choice is never permission to rape her should not be a radical act. But only a few heads nodded in agreement. Most were stunned, like this was a completely new thought. The follow up questions were terrifying in their earnestness. “Ms. Norman, you mean a woman walking down the street naked is not her inviting sex? How will I know she wants to have sex?” A surprisingly bold voice came out of a girl in the back “You’ll know when she says, you want to have sex?!”
If you want to keep teens from being rapists, you can no longer assume that they know how. You HAVE to talk about it. There is no longer a choice. It is no longer enough to talk to our kids about the mechanics of sex, it probably never was. We have to talk about consent, what it means, and how you are sure you have it. We have to teach clearly and boldly that consent is (in the words of Dianna E. Anderson) an enthusiastic, unequivocal YES!
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: accidental devotion, consent, enthusiastic consent, huffington post, patriarchy, rape, rape culture, rape survivor, sexual assault, steubenville, teen boys, teenagers, trent mays, yes means yes
April 2, 2013
Steampunk Spotlight: Twisted Skies with ASI
An exciting new Steampunk RPG Card Game is being developed by Jim Trent and Airship Isabella. Today, YOU can help make this game a reality!
From their Kickstarter description: “Twisted Skies is a fun and exciting card game set in a Steampunk Multiverse.
This project has been a labor of love for multiple Steampunk gamers! The desire for a fun Steampunk themed card game based around the imaginative ideas and concepts of the Steampunk Multiverse! After extensive design and play-testing we are excited to have the support of the nationally recognized Airship Isabella for this project and have based our first exciting set around their characters and adventures! The game is designed for 4-6 players played in a round the table fashion. An average game of Twisted Skies takes an hour and a half. Each basic set of Twisted Skies includes:
160 game cards, Full Instructions, One 6 sided dice.
As the design, artwork, and layout of the game is accomplished this Kickstarter is designed in the hope of having the product printed, boxed and made available to the gaming public at large. Professional grade photography and illustration from some of Steampunk’s most talented rising stars have made for a great looking game. Working with local game stores and distributors we’ll be placing this product in your friendly neighborhood game store!”
They’ve got GREAT rewards like ASI promo cards and posters, copies of the card game, ASI graphic novels, and MORE! Check out their cool videos and graphics explaining more about the game.
Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: airship isabella, ASI, author, card game, cedric whittaker, jim trent, kickstarter, o.m. grey, olivia grey, rpg, short story, steampunk, twisted skies, victorian
March 29, 2013
The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 13 & 14
Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.
The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.
Appropriate for teens.
The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 13 & 14.
Download: ZM_Podcast_CH13-14.mp3
Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).
Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.
-_Q
Fiction Podcast
Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer
Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes
Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, avalon, avalon revisited, bdsm, bdsm erotica, bdsm erotica novel, bondage, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, ecstasy, england, erotic, erotica, hyde park, london, masochism, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, sadism, sado-masochism, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer
March 28, 2013
Creating Beauty, Revealing Truth
As I’ve struggled to regain a sense of self in the aftermath of rape and sexual assault, my view of the world has changed, perhaps permanently. I no longer believe that people are inherently good, doing the best they can. I believe people are inherently selfish and scared. Most don’t care if their actions hurt others, or if they do, it’s a distant second to what feels good to them.
They’ll have that affair and betray their wives/husbands/partners/children/families, as long as they can get off. Have an orgasm. Penetrate or be penetrated for a few minutes.
How horrific, petty, and disgusting. Not sexual desire, although that, too, no longer holds much interest for me, but the fact that sexual desire is placed above so many other things in life.
I say most people, and I suppose that’s an overstatement. It’s been my experience with most people I’ve encountered. After all, 80% of married couples are unfaithful at one point or another. So very few people have the courage to be genuine or the integrity to be honest, even of it isn’t sexual deviancy and deception at the core.
I’ve written several short stories over the past few years, and a few novels, too. All of them, I find, have a similar theme, and it wasn’t intentional. It’s what comes through my subconscious in the writing. One of my rape counselors, the only one of three, I’m proud to say, that I’m still seeing, read a short story I wrote two years ago, shortly after the first sexual assault by a supposed friend and collegue. That was the assault that opened the door for the next two. For as I’ve learned through extensive research into rape, Rape Trauma Syndrome, and rape recovery by reading countless articles about and accounts of rape over the past year, that once a person is victimized through sexualized aggression and/or sexual violence, the chance of being victimized again doubles, then triples. Part of the reason for this is the mind/body’s confusion of what happened, especially (as is the case 85% of the time) if it’s perpetrated by someone the victim knows and trusts. It’s the cognitive dissonance between friend and rapist, lover and rapist. Our mind tries to disprove that was what happened. Our trust is skewed. Our view of love and affection has been altered. Our boundaries, shattered, making it that much easier for the next predator to worm his way in.
Regardless, I digress. Imagine that.
So, my rape therapist read “The Final Word” after it was published by The Rusty Nail, and he saw something in that story that I didn’t consciously put in there, but it’s been a running theme in my life since that first assault through the other two: ignoring one’s own warning signs/red flags, dismissing them as one’s own emotional “issues” and “overreaction,” often supported by societal beliefs and manipulation by one’s abuser/perpetrator (gaslighting), only to painfully (or fatally) discover there was a very valid reason to be frightened and self-protective.
After the struggle to regain who I am outside of the trauma experienced, as well as the struggle to maintain my career and writing output during a time I was barely functional, I’ve come out on the other side feeling isolated and alone, largely because I isolate myself for safety. My trust in people is completely gone, and whenever I have tried to dip that proverbial toe back into the water of society, I’m quickly reminded of why I isolate myself. I trust again, and I’m betrayed again. At least I’m noticing the pattern sooner rather than later.
Another running theme in much of my work is the ultimate relief that only death can bring as well as the cowardice and treachery of humankind, especially men, since that has been the bulk of my personal experience (not to say I haven’t felt betrayed by women. I have, incredibly so, mostly in the aftermath of the rapes last year. Those who spoke out publicly against me the loudest were women). Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve been relatively quiet on this blog. Much of my focus was still on rape recovery and rape in the news, and I was quite fatigued talking about it, but not quite able to talk about much else. To focus on other “happy” or “positive” things felt like a lie, felt deceptive, so I just didn’t write much on here at all.
Instead, I wrote a novel and three short stories.
Some days, the harshest realization is that I very likely still have about 45 years in this life, and I feel as if my life has lost all meaning and purpose. I have endless hours to fill in isolation from everyone except my amazing husband, my dog, and my cat. The only other human being I talk to face-to-face is my therapist, who is also awesome and supportive, kind and compassionate.
I’ve been culling connections on social networks, cutting anyone who even breathes in a misogynistic and/or victim-blaming way. Anyone who is insensitive or lewd. My self protection level is at an all-time high.
A few weekends ago, I ventured out once to meet an online friend for coffee, dipping that toe in the water of socialization, not even a date, just a friendly meeting with another human being. Baby steps and all. This person turned out to be a registered sex offender and a rapist by his own admission of actions. He told me that although he wasn’t picturing having sex with me yet, he probably would be in the near future. Later that week, another man, who found my escape-artist dog, turned my gratitude for a good deed into sexualized debt, propositioning me to show my thanks. The very same day, I heard from three people in Austin**: the first, a member of the dance & poly community that embraced my rapist and shunned me; the second, a man I briefly dated after the rapes (who threw me over because I was “too insecure” even though I was “nonjudgmental” about his “taboo kinks” like fucking animals and relatives — remember what I said about fucked up boundaries after sexualized violence? Prime example), thankfully, we were never sexually intimate; and a third, who I didn’t remember nor did he remember me after we supposedly met on OKCupid last year, contacted me to see if I wanted to get together again (just in case).
So, yes, back into isolation.
My career has suffered during this time of assault and recovery. The world and publishing and Steampunk has all continued on without me while I dealt with and healed from these violations. The Steampunk community, too, embraces the one who violated me, as he was able to continue with his career, not being traumatized…
Again, I digress.
My point is…what’s the point? I’m here for another 45 years, give or take, unless I’m really lucky, so what am I to do with all that time? I don’t have kids. I don’t trust people. I’m afraid of everyone because of what was done to me. I see the inherent problems in the legal and law enforcement around rape and sexualized aggression, how 97% of rapists walk free and everyone from community to friends to family to the law blames the victim.
I don’t know how not to be victimized again–how to trust again–other than staying away from everyone, so that’s what I’ll do for now.
Although I love to hear when people respond to my articles or stories, and I cherish every one of those comments, it’s become clear how few supporters I really have after years of writing and eight books, so I write because it’s cathartic. I write and paint and crochet because when I create beauty in any form, it passes the endless hours of every day until I can be unconscious again for another eight to ten hours…only to start all over again. I play with my dog. I listen to Beethoven Radio on Pandora and drink a frothy mocha alone. I run alone. I’m learning about gardening so I can create more beauty in my safe haven in the mountains of Northern California. I write and share articles about rape and consent and rape culture. I talk to those who want to talk to me, ones who can be respectful and supportive and genuine. I help others feel less alone, and then I feel less alone, too.
In the evenings, I get to cuddle up with my husband, my dog, and my cat and watch Monk or some other show until we all fall asleep.
Safety.
I’m so tired of talking about rape and rape culture, but I’ll keep talking about it and other important issues as it moves me. If you’re ready to hear it, you’ll listen and join in the conversation. If you’re not, you won’t. Hopefully you’ll never know what it’s like to be compelled to talk and read and examine rape and rape culture just to cope and understand why someone you loved raped you, why your community and friends turned from you and embraced him.
I truly hope you’ll never know what it’s like to be so traumatically betrayed by your lover and your community. I truly, truly hope…
I’ll keep writing, and I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting, for I do love your feedback, but I’ll write regardless of whether it’s published or not. Whether people read it or not. Whether readers comment or not. I’ll write and create to pass the hours, as it proves temporary relief from the human condition until I’m finally graced with the ultimate relief in another 45 years, give or take.
My life has no purpose but the one I create, and I choose to spend the time I have in this life creating beauty and revealing truth to those ready to hear it.
May you find peace.
-_Q
**To the Austin Poly, Burner, and ecstatic Dance Communities: FUCK OFF.
Seriously. I don’t want to know any of you unless you were one of my FEW supporters either privately or publicly. They know who they are. The rest of you, unless you begin your correspondence with an acknowledgment and a profuse apology for the additional trauma you caused me by embracing my rapist, making excuses for him, allowing him in your community/home/parties/office, or just not saying anything at all, fuck off. Just block me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to know you. I mean it. FUCK OFF.
Yes, I’m angry and hurt which is alienating people from those Austin communities. It’s alienating misogynists and rape apologists. It’s alienating people who think they’re good, kind, compassionate people who are really misogynists, predators, and/or rape apologists.
That’s the fucking point.
Filed under: Lost in the Aether, Romance & Relationships Tagged: death, life, o.m. grey, olivia grey, ptsd, rape, rape survivor, rape trauma syndrome, sexual assault
March 27, 2013
Steampunk Goodies, Personalized
You’ve just ten more days to make your pledge for some great rewards!
Get a personalized short story written by ME, a Steamku (Steampunk Haiku), compilation CDs of your favorite Steampunk musicians, signed posters and prints, VIP services and entries to the best Steampunk parties on the planet, a Steampunk iPod Stereo–custom made for you, a themed photo shoot just for you, personalized short story by Krista Cagg, or your very own private party!
Those are just a few awards waiting for you in exchange for your donation to The Artifice Club Kickstarter. In addition to all those cool things, you get the added benefit of helping an awesome community who’s main mission is to support artists, build community, and have a rip-roaring great time doing it.
Only 10 days remaining, so donate today! Head over there now to watch their great video explaining exactly what they’re doing and why. Meet the fabulous people involved and help these great personalities create a non-profit that benefits artists and patrons, alike!
Even a few dollars helps. Seriously. No amount is too small. Share and spread the word throughout your social networks! Support great artists and great people.
Thank you. -_Q
Filed under: News & Reviews, Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: artifice club, olivia grey, short story, steampunk. o. m. grey
