O.M. Grey's Blog, page 9

Book Review: Rape is Rape

Rape is Rape: How Denial, Distortion, and Victim Blaming are Fueling a Hidden Acquaintance Rape Crisis by Jody Raphael

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

After reading this book, I truly know I’m not alone. The way I was treated after my rape by the police, my community, and my friends is, quite unfortunately, par for the course. In fact, some of the examples in this book show me just how much worse it could be. We live in a culture where rape victims are habitually not believed. Their rapists go on to rape rape rape some more. Police minimize the report, as they did with mine, treating the victim with indifference or, worse, blame and contempt. There were even cases where the women were charged with underage drinking or making a false police report because of the lack of physical evidence.

I applaud Jody for writing this book. It’s a brilliant piece of work that should be read by every person in America. It is imperative to realize just how prevalent rape is in this culture. We must, as a society, revoke rapists’ social license to operate and believe victims when they come forward. A woman is raped every 1-2 minutes in the USA, and few of them are believed. *We* perpetuate a society where women are not believed and rapists are protected by victim-blaming, making rape jokes, and minimizing assaults as “boys will be boys” or “he said she said” nonsense. “We weren’t there, how could we know what really happened?” “It’s probably just a case of love gone kapluey.” “She’s just hurt and lashing out.”

The myth that women often lie about rape has become so ingrained, the first thing anyone thinks is that she must be lying. The reality is false reports are between 2 and 8%.

Only 3% of rapists see even one day in jail.
Only 14% of cases ever go to trial.

Juries continue to release rapists based on “reasonable doubt,” which often is the rapists’ word that the encounter was consensual.

Read this disturbing book and face reality. Please. I understand all too well how horrific this all is, as I’ve lived it. Before I was raped, I never would’ve read this book because I didn’t want to face the reality of rape. It was too terrible to consider. Now, it’s my only reality.

Know that most rapes occur by people the victim knows. Over 85%.
Please. When you hear someone say they were raped, go against the cultural norm and believe them. Support them. Let’s turn this around.

View all my reviews

Filed under: News & Reviews, Trauma & Recovery

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 22

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 22.

Download: ZM_Podcast_CH22.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

 

**NOT A PODCAST LISTENER? Join me next week for CHAPTER ONE of The Zombies of Mesmer published on this blog. Every friday thereafter a new installment will go live in the Victorian tradition of serializing novels. Just leaving a comment can win an author-signed copy of the sequel! See you there!

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, england, hyde park, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer

Transference & Trust

I’m falling in love with my therapist.

At least that’s what it feels like sometimes. Fortunately, the intense, romantic feelings are fleeting and sporadic. Sometimes, though, I’m distracted during a session by his smile or the way his lips move, wondering what they’d feel like against mine. When he gets up to check his phone, I find myself averting my eyes so as not to admire his form. Fortunately, those feelings are fleeting, too. I’m still unsure about sexuality and romance at this point in recovery, even if he wasn’t my therapist and monogamously married.

Romantic or sexual feelings towards one’s therapist are known as transference and erotic transference, respectively, and it’s quite common, especially for rape and incest survivors. Even feeling platonic love for one’s therapist, likening them to a parent, is a type of transference.

Mostly, I just feel gratitude and affection towards him. The little I know about him, for I pay him to talk about me, makes me want to know more. He’s a vegetarian and into alternative medicine, like me. He’s an environmentalist and into progressive politics, like me. He leans toward Eastern spiritual traditions, like me. (I get all these things from his bumper stickers, btw. ) He seems like an amazing person, and I’d like to spend more time with him and his wife. Coffee. Games. Hikes. Whatever. Just to have a friend. To be with people I trust. To start to rebuild community.

I intellectually recognize that these romantic and sexual and even friendly feelings are directed towards him because he’s safe. Because he’s the only other person on the face of the planet other than my husband and my best friend that I trust. He summed it up in one session: “It’s natural to want to be close to someone who feels safe.”

I’m stuck between the place of a natural tendency to make myself the most attractive possible for a potential partner, while being genuinely myself, and intellectually recognizing it’s transference. I used to talk with him about things without a second thought, like intimate details of my sexuality or past experiences, anxieties and such. Now I’m hyper-aware of everything I say because of my attraction. There is a disconnect between what I feel and what I intellectually know to be true.

It’s extremely important to talk to your therapist about transference, if you’re having those feelings. They are trained to deal with it professionally because it is such a common occurrence. It’s part of the therapeutic experience, especially in recovery from sexual assault and intimate partner violence. Talking about your feelings of transference is paramount to your healing, as they are likely demonstrating patterns and underlying issues that should be addressed in therapy.

If your therapist crosses that boundary and alters your interactions to include romance or sexuality, you must get away quickly. If they cross that line, they are not only betraying you and your trust, they are also betraying the ethical code of their profession and very likely their spouse/partner. No matter how much you think (and they will tell you) it’s because of how special or sexy or awesome or how deep and unique your connection is that caused them to breach that boundary, the reality is this: they are an unethical person with little-to-no integrity who would betray their profession’s ethical code, their client’s trust, and possibly their spouse. That is not someone you can trust, nor are they conducive to your healing.

The rules and guidelines behind “dual relationships” with psychologists, counselors, therapists, or psychiatrists are strict for a very good reason. Dual relationships are damaging to the client—any dual relationship, not just those in the realm of romance and sexuality. Friendships. Hiking partners. Poker buddy. RPG team. Plumber. Home improvement contractor. Yoga instructor. Any of these and more constitute a “dual relationship,” and they aren’t conducive to your healing or recovery. They are, at worst, severely damaging, for there cannot be a balanced relationship between you. You share intimate details of your heart, mind, and soul with your therapist, putting you in an extremely vulnerable position, where you know next to nothing about them in comparison.

One there therapeutic relationship ends, the accepted time period before establishing any social or professional relationship with your former therapist is two years. Some professionals say no other relationship for life.

You are in therapy for your healing, to get your needs met. They are not there to get their needs met. It’s not a two-way street, as my therapist says. You pay them to make it a one way street. They go to therapy to work out their issues. They have other relationships to meet their needs. This therapeutic relationship is about you and your healing, period.

If you therapist breaches that trust, that speaks to them not only as a professional but also as a person. As much as I, at times, want him to cross that boundary and kiss me or hug me or even just grab a cup of coffee together and let him talk about himself for a change, I know if he did that then he wouldn’t be the man I feel this affection for. It’s a very frustrating place to be.

For now, it’s wonderful to see him once a week for an hour or two. I have an intelligent, skilled, compassionate, understanding, accepting, handsome man who I pay to focus completely on me for our time together. That alone is healing. I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel cared for and respected. I feel accepted and validated. I feel love and desire, on and off, and it’s nice to know I still can.

I’m healing because of his empathy and skill, because of his compassion and presence…and because of the boundaries that are there to keep me safe. To keep everyone safe.

When I first admitted to having these feelings of transference, he handled it with perfect professionalism. Without hurting my feelings or mocking me or compounding the shame I already felt around it, he said that he would not cross that line. He said if he did cross that line because it would be severely damaging to me.

He didn’t say wanted to or didn’t want to.

He didn’t say he was attracted to me or not.

He didn’t say anything except: “If I did this, it would be extremely damaging to you.”

I broke down and cried.

He’s right. It would be. He would become yet another man who betrayed my trust, who got me to feel safe and loved, then exploited that situation for his own needs. For he would not only be violating his professional ethics, he would be deceiving his wife. That is not the man I am drawn to. Everything would crumble.

He also said that it was perfectly natural, especially in my healing, to want to be close to someone with whom I felt safe and who I could trust. As the only person on the planet, save my husband and my best friend, who I trust and feel safe with, it’s a pretty small circle right now, as he put it.

It’s perfectly natural.

He knows that. He also knows the power that gives him, and it speaks to his integrity that he chooses not to exploit that power. He said he knows he’s sitting there with a loaded gun, as a man in a position of power with a vulnerable woman before him. He could take advantage of my transference feelings, take advantage of my trust and vulnerability, take advantage of the entire situation, but he chooses not to use that power. That’s the difference between a man with integrity, like my therapist and my husband, and a man like The Rapist and predators like him, when he knows he holds that power and he uses it for his own momentary pleasure and his own selfish needs, exploiting the vulnerability and emotional distress of his prey.

There is also something called counter-transference, where the therapist develops feelings for the client. That is also natural. My therapist has not indicated whether or not he is experiencing counter-transference, and I don’t expect he will. As he has reminded me time and again, this therapeutic relationship is about my needs getting met, not his. If he is and if he says so in therapy, we would then discuss that professionally with those boundaries firmly in place. As in any relationship, I always encourage complete transparency. In this case, however, I trust that he wouldn’t even say as much, even if it were true, unless it would be beneficial to helping me heal.

Last year I had a therapist, the first of many I had after the rapes, humiliation, and discardment. He practices humanist psychology and is polyamorous. He was kind and compassionate. He was very loving. He helped me take the blinders off and see the underlying abuse and mind-fuck by The Rapist long before I accepted what happened as rape. My relationship with this first therapist was extremely helpful and healing, until it wasn’t. He didn’t hold those boundaries. In fact, he didn’t believe in “boundaries.” He thought they were too rigid. That just serves to demonstrate not only what kind of therapist he is, which isn’t a very good one, but also the kind of man his is: one without, or with very little, integrity.

We had a therapeutic relationship and a friendship growing at the same time. He talked about himself, too. He opened his home and office and community center to me as a safe haven, stating that The Rapist wasn’t welcome there as a client (he said he didn’t want The Rapist’s money) or as a poly community member. He created the only place in Austin I felt safe other than my own little room. I loved him like a father, also a form of transference. His community center became my second home, my office, and my safe haven, all of which he offered to me. I didn’t ask for any of those things.

Then, one day, about three months into therapy, he ripped it all away. Suddenly, The Rapist would be welcome if he showed up. The anxiety attacks started again, and I thought it was my “issues” causing them, but now I see it’s because I was yet again betrayed by someone who cultivated a relationship, got me to feel safe, then tore it away. Ironically, the exact same time period as the relationship with The Rapist.

So after establishing this dual relationship with me, by not holding the client-therapist boundary and pursuing a fuller relationship, he caused more damage. While it was satisfying and healing in the short term, when he reneged on his promises that The Rapist wasn’t welcome there, I felt betrayed. I felt exposed. I felt violated. Not only by my therapist, but by my friend. He ripped away the one place I felt safe outside of the little room I was renting at the time.

This secondary trauma set me back months in healing. The tertiary trauma would come when the entire poly community embraced The Rapist and called me a liar. Fuck Austin, as I’ve said before.

That first therapist didn’t hold those boundaries. He didn’t act with integrity. He crossed the line, established a secondary relationship, and then changed his mind about his promises, further damaging an already-traumatied client.

This is why those boundaries and rules are in place.

In a therapeutic relationship, it is the therapist’s responsibility to hold that boundary. As a client, you are there to be completely open, to talk about the most intimate and vulnerable details of your life, your past, your mind, your heart, and your soul. That, of course, is going to feel very intimate to the client who is sharing things they may not even share with their spouse.

As I’ve said countless times throughout this blog, I always advise total transparency in any relationship, and especially in romantic and sexual ones. I tell my husband everything, which is one of the reasons our foundation is utterly unshakable. It’s how we not only survived the last three horrific years, but how we’re stronger because of it. In times of trouble and fear, you turn into love, not away from it. Still, very few people, I’ve found, can be that transparent.

My current therapist holds those boundaries with graceful professionalism. Even though at times I wish with all my heart he wouldn’t, that he’d come close to me and breathe into my lips how much he can’t stay away from me a moment longer…I know if he didn’t hold that boundary it would not only be damaging to me and my healing, it would be damaging to him, his career, and his marriage. It’s a no-win situation no matter how attracted to him I might feel. I’m also intellectually aware, as is he, that this is part of the therapeutic experience. I feel drawn to him because I trust him, because I feel safe with him, because I have opened myself up with all the pain and trauma and shame and intensity screaming inside me, and he has held that space, accepted me without judgement. He has validated me, my feelings, my thoughts, and my experiences. He has helped me see the level of abuse I’ve endured throughout my life, not just in the last year in the aftermath of rape, but how that relationship was even possible because of ongoing abuse over a lifetime that has, for the purpose of survival, has altered my nervous system to the point where I don’t recognize early signs of danger. Even when the violence is occurring, whether sexualized violence or verbal or emotional, I freeze when instead of fighting or fleeing. I explain it away. I make it my fault, something I did wrong.

He explains my feelings and diffuses my shame with words of clarity and compassion and care, and it turns out I have a lot of shame. I’ve been shamed for feeling throughout my life, for just having emotions. For feeling insecure at times. For loving. I’ve been shamed for my sexuality. I’ve been shamed for saying no. I’ve been shamed for saying yes. I’ve been shamed for falling in love. I’ve been shamed for falling in love too fast or too deeply. I’ve been shamed for unrequited love.

He takes that shame away.

He said it is completely natural to want to be close to someone with whom you feel safe and who you trust.

It is completely natural.

Although I fantasize about severing the therapeutic relationship now and setting iCal to remind me in two years to call him up for coffee, then spend more time talking about him to balance the budding relationship, the reality is that he’s my therapist. He will always be my therapist. For someone who has had their sense of trust and boundaries so severely violated, a relationship with firm boundaries is exactly what I need, no matter how much my heart yearns for more at times. What that shows more than anything is that my ability to feel love, to trust, and to desire someone is not permanently damaged. From a position of safety, I can feel love again. I can feel desire again. I can ease back into exploring those options with new people, all from the safety of therapy.

May you find peace.

Filed under: Romance & Relationships, Trauma & Recovery Tagged: author, broken heart, erotic transference, fear, grief, healing, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, rape, rape survivor, relationship advice, relationships, romance, sex, sexual assault, shattered, somatic therapy, therapist, therapy, transference

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 20 & 21

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 20 & 21.

Download: ZM_Podcast_CH20-21.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, england, hyde park, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer

PTSD: Dissociation & Depersonalization

Mid-August 2012. The sun shone on the lake. The warm breeze blew hair into my eyes. My husband put his hand on my waist. A motorboat zipped across the water far below our home.

But I wasn’t there.

I watched this scene as if it was on TV or a huge cinema IMAX scene. It was somehow not real. It was somehow flat, 2D, yet 3D at the same time.

Depersonalization episodes have come and gone over the past year in dealing with rape acceptance and recovery, but no episode since accepting the rape had been as surreal as that one. It was part of my brain processing the trauma. I’m unable to put it into words–how I felt removed from the world, yet there I stood in it. It was one of the most bizarre moments in my life.

Fortunately for my good friend Google and one of the two rape recovery counselors I was seeing at the time, I identified it as depersonalization, a common symptom of PTSD or RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome).

For those readers who have followed my blog throughout the past three years, you might remember a post called “Embracing Surrender & Finding Peace” that I wrote shortly after the rapes in early 2012. This was before I accepted what had happened as rape, still of the “He loves me so it couldn’t have been rape” mindset, even though my body and my subconscious mind was already dealing with the trauma. My day of “Enlightenment” was just that: a symptom of PTSD. The mind coping with the overwhelming trauma of rape, humiliation, and abandonment by a deeply trusted lover.

That “Enlightenment” was in actuality a dissociative state in which I was experiencing depersonalization. Far more intense and extensive than the one described above, that one lasted over 24 hours, but I wouldn’t recognize it for what it actually was for another half a year.

A little about dissociation from trauma and abuse from Wikipedia:

Dissociation is a term in psychology describing a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. It is commonly displayed on a continuum.[1] The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality – rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.[2][3][4][5] …

Dissociation has been described as one of a constellation of symptoms experienced by some victims of multiple forms of childhood trauma, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse.[26][27] This is supported by studies which suggest that dissociation is correlated with a history of trauma…[28]

Adult dissociation when comorbid with a history of child abuse and otherwise interpersonal violence-related posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been shown to contribute to disturbances in parenting behavior, such as exposure of young children to violent media. Such behavior may contribute to cycles of familial violence and trauma.[30]

Symptoms of dissociation resulting from trauma may include depersonalization, psychological numbing, disengagement, or amnesia regarding the events of the abuse. It has been hypothesized that dissociation may provide a temporarily effective defense mechanism in cases of severe trauma; however, in the long term, dissociation is associated with decreased psychological functioning and adjustment.[27] Other symptoms sometimes found along with dissociation in victims of traumatic abuse (often referred to as “sequelae to abuse”) include anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, somatization, depression, chronic pain, interpersonal dysfunction, substance abuse, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation or actions.[26][27][31] These symptoms may lead the victim to erroneously present the symptoms as the source of the problem.[26]

Child abuse, especially chronic abuse starting at early ages, has been related to high levels of dissociative symptoms in a clinical sample,[32] including amnesia for abuse memories.[33] A non-clinical sample of adult women linked increased levels of dissociation to sexual abuse by a significantly older person prior to age 15,[34] and dissociation has also been correlated with a history of childhood physical as well as sexual abuse.[35] When sexual abuse is examined, the levels of dissociation were found to increase along with the severity of the abuse.[36]

A 2012 review article supports the hypothesis that current or recent trauma may affect an individual’s assessment of the more distant past, changing the experience of the past and resulting in dissociative states.[37]

As with language in all fields of study and human interaction, it fails us. Please don’t confuse a Dissociative Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) with dissociative episodes due to PTSD. Totally different things. They are, like most things, part of a spectrum. Although DID is caused by severe trauma, a person can experience dissociative states or episodes in the aftermath of a trauma without fitting the criteria for a Dissociative Disorder and most certainly not DID.

Similarly, labels such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) carry such a horrific stigma that it’s difficult to even discuss that type of experience without serious prejudice. Interestingly, BPD and complex (or chronic) PTSD are virtually indistinguishable. Twenty years ago, BPD was more readily diagnosed than chronic (or complex) PTSD, erroneously so. Recently, psychologists are starting to understand the relationship between chronic abuse and adult psychological and behavioral problems. At a minimum, they are saying there is a frequent comorbidity between the two labels. Seeing as how I’ve been misdiagnosed and labeled with five different things than don’t explain or help my life experience, I don’t trust labels. For me, C-PTSD is the closest, the only one that explains all the symptoms.

Psychologists like to label people.

Fortunately, more than a few therapists I’ve seen in the past year are doing away with labels, as they serve to stigmatize much more than they serve to define and help in recovery.

If we, as a culture, can understand and empathize with people who suffer from PTSD, C-PTSD, and other abuse-caused conditions, perhaps there can be more healing for everyone involved instead of compounding the trauma by ostracism and ridicule. PTSD has been almost exclusively discussed as a phenomenon experienced by soldiers after enduring war, but it is far more ubiquitous across our society. Even our soldiers, however, experience ostracism and cruelty at the hands of their loved ones, friends, coworkers, and communities, as everyone expects them to just “get on with it,” to “let it go,” after the unimaginably horrific things they’ve seen and done.

Empathy, education, and understanding is called for with those suffering from PTSD, whether from war, from rape, from emotional abuse, or from another act of violence, otherwise, we contribute to their suffering by creating secondary trauma. Being raped by a trusted lover was, understandably, horrific. As horrific and traumatizing was not being believed by my community. By watching them embrace him and thereby shun me. By the police who minimized and normalized the experience. By “friends” who greatly distanced themselves because they didn’t know what to say.

Yes, indeed. As traumatizing.

My current therapist says that empathy requires someone to step into another person’s hell for a few minutes, and most people aren’t willing to do that. It calls up images of the film What Dreams May Come, brilliant film, where at the end, when the protagonist is trying to rescue his wife (who committed suicide) out of hell, has to choose between staying there with her and losing his mind or saving himself and going to heaven. He stays with her. Even though they would not even know each other were there, he stayed with her. In that act of sacrifice, that metaphor of empathy, they both were beamed to heaven. Instead of dismissing her or abandoning her, he stayed with her. He saw her. He heard her.

That was enough.

Remember that next time when someone is hurting, suffering because of another person’s cruelty. Hear them. See them. Empathize. You don’t have to fix anything. You don’t have to say the “right” thing that will make it all go away. Nothing will make it all go away. Ever.

But…being believed. being accepted. being heard. being together…means more than I can ever express. Just hear me. Just see me. Just be here for a moment in this space with me.

There is little more healing than that.

Filed under: Trauma & Recovery Tagged: abuse, amazon, author, broken heart, depersonalization, dissociation, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, love, o.m. grey, olivia grey, ptsd, rape, rape survivor, recovery, rts, sexual assault, shattered, what dreams may come

Nickie’s New Look!

It’s high time, really. Although the original cover wasn’t bad, it wasn’t as good as it could’ve been. Now, it’s even better that I ever thought.

Thanks to the magnificent work of J. R. Fleming, cover artist for Caught in the Cogs: An Eclectic Collection and Christine and Ethan Rose’s 4th “Rowan” book Power of the Zephyr, Nickie Nick has a new look.

Additionally, the embarrassing number of typos and mistakes from the first printing have also been corrected. Although we unlikely got all of them, we never do, we did get most that slipped through the editing process the first time around.

And FINALLY….the big announcement….for those of you who haven’t been able to enjoy The Zombies of Mesmer via Fiction Podcast because you, like me, just don’t really listen to podcasts, starting in a few weeks, I’ll be serializing The Zombies of Mesmer right here on this blog, Victorian Style, in preparation for the its sequel to be released this summer. Each week a new chapter or segment will go live in place of the podcast. So, as soon as the podcast ends, look for The Zombies of Mesmer serialized in print with a new segment each Friday, starting May 17th!

There has never been a better time to get acquainted with Nickie Nick!

Available in paperback, on Kindle, podcasted, and (shortly) serialized right here.

Filed under: News & Reviews Tagged: amazon, author, avalon, avalon revisited, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, christine and ethan rose, Christine rose, ethan rose, fantasy, j. r. fleming, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, power of the zephyr, romance, rowan of the wood, steampunk, teen, teen boys, teen romance, teenagers, the zombies of mesmer, vampires, victorian, ya fantasy, zombies, zombies of mesmer

Skybourne Presents: Carnival Menagerie

The following is a guest post by Patricia Ash.

-_Q

The best thing about Steampunk Music is that there’s more than one sound to it. It ranges from ethereal and gothic to erudite rap, encompassing all that is tribal, rock, pop, and parody. It’s such a lively and varied scene that it needs a festival to celebrate it all!

And that is why the Skybourne Areodrome wishes to bring you Skybourne Presents! Carnival Menagerie. The Sky Commodore has gathered thirteen bands and has procured all sorts of clowns and circus performers. The Carnival Menagerie will feature Steam Powered Giraffe, The Marquis of Vaudeville, Unwoman, Darwin Prophet, Spoon Fed Tribe, and many many others. Not to mention magicians and DJs. This Steampunk extravaganza will occur in Dallas in September. The dates are set, but the venue is not. The Sky Commodore has launched a Kickstarter in order to raise some funds for a large venue. Here is the link to that: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/991732307/skybourne-presents-a-carnival-menagerie

This will be huge. If he obtains a good-sized venue, it will be more huge. Even though there are thirteen bands already making the pilgrimage, there are dozens more entertainers in the Steampunk scene. It would be lovely if they could put in appearances as well, but first they need a stage to perform on. Thus the Kickstarter.

In addition, the Sky Commodore has a big goopy soft spot for children. If the Kickstarter surpasses the goal, a portion of the funds will be donated to the charities The Water and Kids Need To Read. One gives life, the other gives life adventure. There will also be ways to donate to these charities at the Carnival Menagerie itself. It will be an amazing event that will help change the world for the better. It’s hard to get better than that.

-_Q

Patricia Ash is the Associate Editor of Gearhearts Steampunk Glamor Revue and the Captain of Marketing for Skybourne. When she’s not writing or emailing someone, she’s playing with yarn, petting kitties, or strolling around a Sci Fi convention. Follow her misadventures on Facebook or https://twitter.com/thejoyofpash. She also has a brand new feature on gearheartsmag.com – every other week, she reviews Steampunk books.

Filed under: Steampunk Spotlight Tagged: darwin prophet, gearhearts, kickstarter, o.m. grey, olivia grey, patricia ash, sky commodore, skybourne, spoof fed tribe, steam powered giraffe, steampunk, the marquis of vaudeville, unwoman

A Kiss in the Rain: Winner!!!

I’m so very thrilled to announce that my short story, “A Kiss in the Rain” won the Steampunk Chronicle’s Reader’s Choice Award! This is the second year in a row I’ve had the honor to win in that category. Last year was for “Dust on the Davenport,” as well as Avalon Revisited for best novel.

Also, the book in which I contributed an article on Polyamory, A Steampunk’s Guide to Sex, won the award for best nonfiction!

See all the winners here!

Additionally, I’ve just had a short story passed on to the next round for Penumbra! I’ve never gotten this far with that publication before, so I’m über excited. I won’t find out if it made the final cut for months. Regardless of the outcome, I’m so proud to have gotten this far.

If you’ve yet to read these, you can find them and many other stories for your enjoyment, some for purchase & some for free, on my published works page. Please explore the links in the right sidebar to find out more about me and my work.

Peace.

-_Q

Filed under: News & Reviews, Short Fiction & Poetry, Steampunk Spotlight

The Zombies of Mesmer (Podcast) – Chapter 18 & 19

Follow Nicole Knickerbocker Hawthorn (Nickie Nick) as she discovers her destiny as The Protector, a powerful vampire hunter. Ashe, a dark and mysterious stranger, helps Nickie and her friends solve the mystery behind several bizarre disappearances. Suitable for teens, enjoyed by adults, the story is full of interesting steampunk gadgets, mad scientists, bloodthirsty vampires, and mesmerized zombies. This paranormal adventure is sure to appeal to fans of Boneshaker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Vampire Diaries.

The Zombies of Mesmer is a Gothic Young Adult Paranormal Romance novel set in Victorian London.

Appropriate for teens.

The Zombies of Mesmer – Chapter 18 & 19.

Download: ZM_Podcast_CH18-19.mp3

Buy your copy of The Zombies of Mesmer via Amazon or Barnes & Noble in paperback, and it’s also available in digital format exclusively for the Kindle at Amazon.com (Kindle Select – Free for PRIME MEMBERS).

Also available: Author-Signed through the publisher.

-_Q

Fiction Podcast

Including short fiction and poetry, and The Zombies of Mesmer

Subscribe in a reader …. or in iTunes

Filed under: Podcasted Fiction Tagged: audiobook, author, boneshaker, book, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, england, hyde park, london, o.m. grey, olivia grey, paranormal romance, passion, podcast, podiobook, poet, renaissance, steampunk, teen, teen romance, vampire diaries, vampires, victorian, zombies, zombies of mesmer

Recovering from PTSD

Starting today, I’ve created a new category called “Trauma & Recovery.” So much of what I’ve written has been filed under “Romance & Relationships,” as that’s where the trauma occurred, but I’ll be going back and setting some of those posts under the new category as well.

Since I’m really unable to write much about romance and relationships these days, I hope to be writing more regularly about recovery from and understanding abuse, especially the kinds of abuse that aren’t overt, as they can be even more damaging psychologically for that very reason.

Still, my most popular post is “PTSD from Emotional Abuse.” Understandably so. We’re a culture immersed in so many types of abuse, PTSD is truly an epidemic, I’ve learned. Doctors and psychologists are now starting to figure out the connection from childhood abuse to later psychological and behavioral issues. They’re understanding the cumulative effect of prolonged abuse, causing chronic PTSD.

I’m still in recovery from the rapes last year, and I’ve learned how The Rapist’s (aka Austin Poly Rapist, The Auctioneer) calculated manipulation and covert abuses throughout our short-lived relationship acted as a culmination of the two most recent sexual assaults/coercive rapes from 2010 and 2011, by The Writer and The Musician, respectively. Through extensive therapy over the past year, I’ve learned how even those assaults were made possible by earlier trauma that I didn’t even consider abuse. Just like the assaults by those three men, I didn’t call them what they were for a very long time. Too long. 

Though my ramblings and blog posts, I’m hoping that my readers will find the words to define their experience so that they can begin healing long before I did. Already, countless readers have contacted me and shared their gratitude for my writing, if for no other reason than because they no longer felt so alone.

You are not alone.

Abuse in our culture is systematically normalized and minimized. The targets of this abuse are silenced and shamed. I’m working to turn that around, to put the shame where it belongs: on the abusers. On the predators. On the rapists. On those that perpetrate sexual, physical, and emotional assaults, especially when calculated and intentional.

Disgusting.

It is so possible to have been abused or even raped and not even know it on a conscious level. Denial is a powerful protector, in a way, but it ultimately creates the conditions to be further traumatized. The cumulative effect of decades of trauma can be quite debilitating, as I’ve discovered. I’ve spoken a bit before on The Betrayal Bond, and I’ll be looking more closely at this phenomenon as well as things like Gaslighting and other forms of covert or normalized abuse.

Throughout the posts over the last year, I’ve often said the phrase “before I realized it was rape,” or something similar. This is very difficult for people to accept if they haven’t experienced it or haven’t accepted their own traumatic event for what it was; however, it’s not only possible, it’s common. Even though I felt violated and betrayed, even though my body and subconscious mind was reacting to the trauma, I said this:

“It couldn’t have been rape because he loved me.”

Now I say this:

“He couldn’t have loved me because he raped me.”

Or maybe, in some circumstances, “He loved me AND he raped me.” Some people are just so damaged themselves, that they don’t know how to show love in another other way than through abuse. Others don’t know how to receive love in any other way than through abuse. This is where self-awareness comes into play. No matter how much you were hurt and what horrible things have been done to you, it is never okay to traumatize another person. It is never an excuse to traumatize another person. Never. Ever. (Hurt, in this context, is an understatement. Demolished. Devastated. Crushed. Ruined. Destroyed. Those are more accurate.)

Denial. Betrayal Bond. Then more denial.

As I move forward in my own recovery, learning to care for myself and my heart above all else, I’m able to write on these topics with less rage, which will likely be more pleasant to read. I’m not apologizing for my rage, as it was well justified and part of the healing process. My anger is still here, protecting me. For now. As a former therapist once told me, “Anger is the beginning of saying, ‘I deserve better.’”

I fucking do deserve better, and so do you.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be exploring symptoms of PTSD, types of trauma, and the brilliant minds who are figuring some of this out. I’ll discuss my recovery journey. Isolation and silence has done wonders for me, and continues to do so. If that’s what you need to heal, don’t listen to anyone tell you that it’s not. You’ll get back into society when and if you’re ready. In the mean time, heal.

I’ll talk more about creating beauty, revealing truth, and protecting oneself in sacred spaces. I look forward to sharing the sacred space I created with all of you.

May you find peace.

Filed under: Trauma & Recovery Tagged: austin poly rapist, author, broken heart, emotional abuse, fear, grief, healing, heartbroken, honesty, intimacy, love, non-monogamy, o.m. grey, olivia grey, open, open marriage, passion, polyamory, ptsd, rape, rape survivor, recovery, relationship advice, relationships, rts, sexual assault, shattered, therapy, trauma