Kevin L. O'Brien's Blog: Songs of the Seanchaí, page 46

Can My iPod Exist in the Dreamlands?

On deviantArt, one of my Watchers had a question about what kinds of technology, devices, and materials can exist in the Dreamlands.

The short answer is, it takes roughly 500 years for something to become so ingrained in the human imagination that it can show up in the Dreamlands. As such, for the most part, the Dreamlands is limited to technology, devices, and materials from before 1500 CE.

Why would that be the case? The Dreamlands was first created by H. P. Lovecraft, borrowing elements from Lord Dunsany. He created the rules, and this happens to be one of them. I believe it was to justify his alternative reality being a pre-Industrial sword & sorcery fantasy world, but whatever the reason, I abide by it as I do his other rules.

But I have made some modifications.

In the simplest terms possible, anything older than 1500 can exist in the Dreamlands. Any technology or device or system or material more recent than 1500 cannot exist in the Dreamlands. So, a longsword can exist but an AK-47 cannot. Steel can exist but depleted uranium cannot. Water wheels and windmills can exist, but steam engines and diesel motors cannot. Waterworks and plumbing can exist, but sewage treatment systems cannot.

Anomalies that seem impossible but nonetheless do exist generally fall into one of two categories.

The first is items thought to be more recent than they actually are, such as eyeglasses or trousers or steel or concrete cement or asphalt.

The second is items based on post-1500 ideas but which can be created using pre-1500 technology and materials. The Dreamlands have things such as antibiotics and antiseptics, mechanical Jacquard looms run by punch cards, breech-loading cannon, paved roads, pianos, showers, and galleons.

A corollary to this are items that existed before 1500, sometimes well before, but didn't come into their own until well after. An example is the battery. Batteries may have existed as much as 2000 years ago, but regardless, it has been demonstrated that primitive batteries can be made using pre-1500 materials.

However, there is a category of devices and systems that stubbornly refuse to exist even if they can be created using pre-1500 technology and materials. These are the so-called "iconic items", items that are strongly associated with a particular time period. For example, telescopes and microscopes can conceivably exist, being just metallic tubes and lenses, and semi-automatic firearms could be constructed from existing Dream-materials, but all attempts result in the object morphing into something different or simply refusing to function. Even something as old as the flintlock mechanism has not yet been "invented". However, firearms do exist in the form of matchlock guns and Differel's wheellock pistols.

There are, however, three categories of items that can exist despite being modern, even iconic.

One is ideas and concepts, such as interchangeable parts, assembly lines, and automation. Modern agricultural and medical ideas are especially popular. Substituting coke for coal or charcoal proved very useful as well. In fact, the entire idea of an industrial setup is quite common in the Dreamlands, as long as there is sufficient water or animal power to drive the machines.

Another is designs that can be implemented using existing materials. The best example is in clothing. Anything up to formal white ties and tails, modern business and sporting attire, military uniforms, and pants suits can exist; if they are rare, it is either because they are extremely expensive or existing materials make them bulkier than clothes made from synthetics, or the clothes makers prefer more antiquated designs. Another example is bridge design; as long as the existing material is strong enough, any kind of bridge can exist in the Dreamlands. Even clipper ships and armored cars can exist after a fashion. The only bars to using a design are cost, ease of operation, and effectiveness; examples of the last being that armored cars do not exist because armored zebras and elephants are easier to use and more efficient; and firearms are not more common because the longbow is still more powerful. The point being that if a modern design conveys no useful advantage over existing Medieval designs, it isn't adopted.

A corollary to this is post-1500 items based on post-1500 ideas being applied to pre-1500 designs. For example, both pocket watches and compasses exist, because they are based on clock and compass designs that existed before 1500, even through both were not developed until after 1500. However, as with other designs, the cost of reliable instruments of this type tends to be rather high, with cheaper models being decidedly unreliable, and often there are more effective methods already in existence, such as the sextant or simply using visual examination of the sun and stars.

The last is anything derived from natural resources that does not require specialized post-1500 technology to produce. This includes pharmaceuticals, anesthetics, explosives, fertilizers, alloys, special glass formulations, solvents, and oils. As with everything else, however, if the item in question is not more effective than an existing item, or is expensive or inefficient, it will not be adopted.

One final note, there are items that exist which technically should not, but are allowed to, either because they are important to the background of my stories or do little to change the nature of the Dreamlands. An example of the first is printing with moveable type. This straddles the 1500 boundary. Technically it was invented a few decades before, but it did not really take off until after. However, moveable type would be an extreme advantage in the Dreamlands, and everything needed to invent moveable type was already in place well before 1500, so I've fudged this to allow it to exist. An example of the second is the blast furnace. This also straddles 1500, in that the Chinese had furnaces as early as the 5th century BC and they were known in Europe for at least a century before. However, true blast furnaces did not really exist until at least a century after. I allow them, however, because they are only used in a handful of locations, whereas bloomeries are ubiquitous; even a small village can make its own steel, just not on an industrial scale.

The Thousand Enemies of Differel-Rah

Differel Van Helsing once told Team Girl that she feels like El-ahrairah.

In Watership Down by Richard Adams, El-ahrairah is the great, semi-divine rabbit trickster folk hero. His name means "The Prince with a Thousand Enemies", and is a reference to the fact that rabbits are preyed upon by nearly every predatory animal. In the book, there is a line from a folk tale that goes:

"All the world will be your enemy.... And when they catch you, they will kill you."

It often feels to Differel like she also has a thousand enemies, all bent on her destruction and that of the Caerleon Order. And whenever she eliminates one or turns it into an ally, another one arises to take its place. It's part of the reason she feels so worn out, and despairs that she can ever guarantee the safety of Sovereign, Church, and Country. But she draws some hope from the concluding line of that passage:

"Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed."

What follows is a list of Differel's enemies, whether direct or indirect, in both the Waking World and the Dreamlands.

A.I.Vi.L — “Artificial Intelligence Virtual Lifeform”; popularly known as Livia; artificial intelligence that controls the integrated computer system of PARASol Unlimited

Amadan Mor — “Great Fool”; second most powerful of the Aes Sídhe and their enforcer/protector

Adm. Ayhirnia Nemo — Descendant of Captain Nemo, inventor and commander of Nautilus; currently ruler and benevolent dictator of the undersea city complex of Templemir

The Baobhan Sìth — “Fairy Woman”; Scottish vampire spirit that seduces men and drains their blood

Baron Samedi & Maman Brigitte — Vodou god and goddess of death, sex, and resurrection, though Brigitte also protects graveyards; are true supernatural beings not subject to any power in Existence

Beast of Exmoor — Cat From Mars that terrorizes the Exmoor region

Birog — Pre-Hyborian Age (c. 18,500 years BP) sorceress from Acheron

Bogeyman — Paranormal being that terrorizes children when they sleep; he seeks to strengthen and toughen them, so that all they need to do is declare they are no longer afraid of him and he will leave them in peace, but those who die as a result of a night-terror are taken away to be his slaves

Catarine fel Amigortue — former Dreamlands pirate turned aristocrat

Chamberlain in Green — Carcosan royal family; represents wickedness and corruption; secret lover of The Queen and pits The Princess and The Prince against each other for his own purposes

Countess of Salisbury — Satanist with the power to command devils; seeks to gain sufficient power to control Her Majesty’s Government

The Daemon Sultan — Avatar of Nyarlathotep who sits enthroned in the fortress of the Great Ones on Mt. Kadath in the Cold Waste in the Dreamlands

Deborah Alice Wechsler — Founder, Chairman, and CEO of The Mhorrigan Group

The Duke of Holdehurst — Member of the British Peerage and political heavyweight within Her Majesty’s Government

Dullahan — Headless rider terrorizing County Tyrone in Northern Ireland

Elatha — Fomóraigh ruler of the city-state in Hazuth-Kleg and nominal high king of all the Fomóraigh in the Dreamlands

Eochaid Bres — Fomórach/Human son of Elatha mac Delbáeth, Lord High Steward of the city-state in Hazuth-Kleg, and Lord High Chancellor over all the Fomóraigh in the Dreamlands

Doge Gaius Zilach — Etruscan (675 BCE) Vampire of the Voltura strain; tried to usurp the Conclave but was defeated

The High Priest of Leng — Mysterious entity, robed and veiled in yellow, that resides in an ancient monastery on the Plateau of Leng in the Dreamlands (also present in the Waking World, where it rules over the Tcho-Tcho)

Hyaline Maximilia de Grymm — Pre-Thurian (27,000 years BP) Vampire of the Mousterian Strain; oldest Human Vampire extant

Jack the Ripper — Needs no explanation

Jester in Violet — Carcosan royal family; represents torture and death; more enforcer than fool, and executes the will of the rest of the family, having none of his own; his jests are particularly gruesome and macabre

Kanyth Tyree — Female Homo praedatoreous (known as Predators) who runs a strategic electronics firm

Killer Klown — Paranormal entity that takes the form of a clown at regular intervals to commit killings

King in Yellow — Carcosan royal family; represents pestilence and decay

Leannán Soit — Ancient (150 million years BP) Serpent Woman scientist and wizard

Lich Queen — Thurian Age (c. 20,250 years BP) sorceress from Valusia

Marseilles Sheraton — Celebutante and criminal overlord

Masako Hojo — Onna-bugeisha, disgraced samurai and kunoichi, who lives in the city-state of Yeddo in the Dreamlands

The Master of Rats — Priest of Luchóg Mhór, the Rat Demon

Medraut Pen Draig — Illegitimate son of Artur Pen Draig cursed to remain alive until the return of Artur

The Mehakebar — Prophesized offspring of Nyarlathotep and the Bride of the Crawling Chaos, who will rule the Dreamlands and the Waking World in the name of her father

Miranda Pendragon — Maternal aunt of Sir Differel Van Helsing

The Mirror Devil — Supernatural entity trapped in the silver backing of a cursed antique mirror and able to open a portal to Hell through the glass

Modron l’Fae — Sorceress from the city of Lelga-Leng, who specializes in illusions and phantasms; she was an ally of Sysphius Tyrannia in her attempted coup d’état and is now rumored to be her eyes and ears in the Dreamlands

Monsignor Canarde — Leader of Vatican City’s Holy Order of St. Antony Demons-Bane

The Nurse — Hired to care for Sir Henry Van Helsing, father of Sir Differel Van Helsing, when he fell ill; later revealed to be a fully mature Fomórach

Nuthia Su’h — Human/Predator hybrid and Telemaraine Wizard, Black Onyx Level; born during the Dark Ages (c. 750 CE) in Europe

Owlman — Paranormal being posing as the cryptid native to Cornwall

Prince in Blue — Carcosan royal family; represents depression and grief; the family rebel, seeking to overthrow the current order, and has a fanatical hatred of his sister

Prince of Dylath-Leen — Ruler of the city-state of Dylath-Leen in the Dreamlands

Princess in Orange — Carcosan royal family; represents madness and depravity; has a fanatical hatred of her brother

The Purple Fool — Avatar of Nyarlathotep associated with the Boyar of Malebolg in the Dreamlands

Queen in Red — Carcosan royal family; consort of the King in Yellow; represents bloodlust and carnage

The Red Death — Avatar of Nyarlathotep associated with the Prince of Dylath-Leen

Sahyadín — Sole survivor of a project to create an artificial hybrid of a human and a Serpent Person; she has Serpent Person immortality and illusion power, as well as access to their technology, but her overall form is that of a human with scales instead of hair; her bite is venomous, creating paralysis and eventually mutating the victim with serpent traits, turning him or her into her willing slave; she hates both sides of her ‘parentage’ and seeks to destroy both races

Shoulder Devil — Personification of Sir Differel Van Helsing’s evil, selfish side who appears to her to give advice on moral and ethical dilemmas

The Spirit of the Oaks — Paranormal being associated with old-growth oak forests of 300+ years; the older the forest, the more powerful the resident

Spring-Heeled Jack — Interdimensional explorer equipped with a highly advanced steam-based technology; displays an irreverent attitude towards his work

Sysphius Tyrannia — Extremely powerful sorcerer from the city-state of Lelag-Leng in the Dreamlands, who specializes in daemonology; she was a one-time member of the Ruling Council until she tried to mount a coup d’état and was banished from the city; her current whereabouts are unknown

Lady Tamora Draconae — Disgraced Knight of Celephaïs in the Dreamlands, who attempted to assassinate King Kuranes for personal revenge and as part of a coup d’état

Dr. Uriah Silas Huer — Mad scientist specializing in cognitive theory, neurophysiology, cybernetics, psychology, and semiotics; excels at developing methods of mind control and behavioral modification that involve virtual reality and symbols

Venke Myhre — Former adventurer and now waitress at the Forenoon Tavern in the town of Ulthar in the Dreamlands

Vincent O’Shaughnessy — “The Weasel”; a former gangster who runs a cabaret outside of the town of Ulthar in the Dreamlands

Warrior Nun Walpurga — Member of the disbanded Daughters of Cwenthryth, an all-female military religious order that combined features of the Knights Templar with a contemplative order; went underground when Pope Julius II decreed that all female religious orders must renounce violence and return to the cloister; as a result, all members were excommunicated, which has never been rescinded; a popular legend states that when enough sisters have been sent to Hell, they will rise up in revolt and overthrow Satan to end his rebellion and restore the rule of God

The White Dragon — Symbol of the Saxon invaders, and mortal enemy of The Red Dragon, the symbol of the native Britons

Xenomorph Queen/Human hybrid — Xenomorph queen that acquired human DNA from Sir Differel Van Helsing when it’s chestbuster was incubated inside her; acquired human thought patterns imprinted onto its ancestral instincts and behavior

I was a Team Girl Werewolf!

(That's the last time I let Sunny choose the title for a blog post.)

Team Girl shares the same universe with Sir Differel Van Helsing. This means that the same monsters that Differel hunts and destroys can threaten them as well.

That includes werewolves, and in an upcoming story, Sunny gets turned into one. And once again, Eile and Medb must rely on Dr. Mabuse to cure her.

These werewolves are not like the kind you'll find in Twilight or Underworld. They're more like the classical werewolves of legend. For example, they're true shapeshifters, able to transform at will. Also, they are unaffected by silver; it isn't toxic to them. Most importantly, however, they are not immortal or invulnerable (though they are very long-lived and extremely tough). Anything that can kill a man or a wolf can kill them, whether in human or wolf form.

However, they have one advantage: their ability to transform gives them regenerative powers. Any wound, injury, or disease that doesn't kill them will be cured the next time they transform, and it can slow the aging process process, though it can't stop it or reverse it. It isn't unusual for a lycanthrope to live five or seven times longer than a normal human.

The silver bullet legend came about because, being less dense than lead, more silver had to be used to create a heavy bullet, which resulted in a much larger round than normal, one that could kill by shock alone.

One departure from legend is that in the Team Girl universe, lycanthropy is not a curse or a magical ability, but a disease, caused by a mutated form of rabies that creates physical as well as behavioral changes. The virus is not particularly virulent; it only kills one brain cell in a million, but all other infected brain cells are mutated by the viral genes and acquire the ability to release special proteins that cause the other tissues of the body to alter their morphology. The result is, an infected person gradually transforms into a werewolf as the disease runs its course, at which point they remain a werewolf until they figure out how to transform back into a human.

Some never do, and remain lycanthropes for the rest of their lives, but most discover that through sheer will and mental concentration, they can revert. From then on, they can change whenever they want, and the more they do, the easier it becomes, until it's second nature, almost reflexive.

There is no known cure, and even if there was, the mutations are permanent, so a victim is always able to transform, often times as a result of stress or emotional trauma. However, a few individuals, through meditation and self-discipline, are able to suppress the ability, but it takes a great deal of effort. The vast majority of lycanthropes live in isolated communities well away from human civilization; the rest are rogues, hunted by their own kind as well as their human collaborators.

The werewolf form looks like a cross between a wolf and a great ape. The posture is distinctly ape-like, while the body is lean and covered with fur. The hind legs are wolf-like, with backward-pointing "knees" caused by the elongation and elevation of the heel as they walk on their toes, but their arms and hands are humanoid. They have no tail. The head is lupine, with a long snout and pointed ears, but the cranium is large and round, and there is a well-developed forehead. Though it has the mind of a wolf, a werewolf retains its memories and human personality, so while aggressive and dangerous, it isn't necessarily a killer. However, werewolves are territorial and zealously guard their secret sanctuaries, so any human who isn't a collaborator who is caught trespassing is likely to be killed.

Like wolf packs, werewolf clans are led by an alpha male and female, with a beta male and female in reserve. The alphas and betas mate for life, but the rest of the clan members are often promiscuous and don't usually form pair bonds. The virus cannot pass the placental barrier, so children are not born lycanthropes. After they are weaned, they are often given to a collaborator to be raised in fosterage, until they become old enough to decide whether to live as human or lycanthrope. Those that choose human very often become collaborators. Many decide to get educated and develop a career first, to bring badly needed skills and resources back to the clan sanctuary.

The virus can only be passed on through the saliva from a bite, but it is forbidden for lycanthropes to infect another human against their will. However, some rogues will do it in an attempt to start their own clan. That's what will happen to Sunny.

Despite their regenerative powers, lycanthropes do have a few vulnerabilities, one of which is a hypersensitivity to aconitine, the poison found in wolfsbane and other aconite herbs. Even trace amounts that would be harmless to a human can incapacitate or kill a lycanthrope. They have similar reactions to the juices of mistletoe berries and rowan trees. As such, they tend to avoid places where these plants are present.

Werewolves are stronger than humans and faster than wolves, and they can climb trees and buildings like an ape, but they are not as strong or fast as vampires. However, vampires avoid lycanthropes, because the virus is deadly to them. As such, in ancient times, humans and lycanthropes often formed alliances to battle vampire covens.

Medb hErenn as Euhemerized Goddess

The legendary Queen Medb of Ireland is sometimes described by mythographers as a euhemerized local goddess. There were many such in ancient Ireland, because the Gaels did not have a formal, organized pantheon like the Greeks. These goddesses were associated with specific locations, often the hillforts of clan chieftains or tribal kings, and they were sovereignty goddesses, meaning that they sanctified the rule of that chief or king. Usually the ruler had to mate with the goddess in a yearly ritual that both legitimized his rule and ensured the fecundity of his people and their land; in this way, the goddesses were also concerned with fertility. This mating could be symbolic in some fashion, such as getting drunk on mead, or it might involve a surrogate, such as the ruler's wife or favorite concubine, or a woman specially prepared by the Druids. In some rituals, however, the surrogate was a mare or a cow, or even the earth itself.

At these times, or when the ruler was ritually sacrificed for failure or weakness, or during the four prominent holidays of the Celtic year, the Druids would beseech the goddess to reveal to them the future, thereby associating the goddesses with prophecy and magic. At other times of the year, the goddesses also presided over combat and death, making them war and funerary goddesses. This is probably the origin of the Morrígan, the tripartite goddess of war, fertility, prophecy, and death.

I used all these ideas when I developed Medb hErenn's character. She is a skilled and well-trained warrior, bloodthirsty, a lover of combat, and would just as soon solve problems and win disputes with her fists or sword. She is hyper-promiscuous; not quite a nymphomaniac, but close. She makes love at the drop of a hat, and she will bed just about anyone: young or old, beautiful or ugly, man or woman, it makes no difference to her; only children are off limits. And while technically not into bestiality, some of the beings whom she has had intercourse with were more beasts than men. She is adept at various forms of magic, especially druidry, sorcery, and fairy magic, and has a prophetic ability, though it is somewhat erratic. She has no qualms about killing, even in cold blood, and is vengeful, spiteful, vindictive, and treacherous. Though neither immortal nor indestructible, she is a goddess in all but name only; indeed, the Celtic gods were like the Norse gods in that they could grow old and be killed, without magical means to protect them. This too is part of Medb's character.

But what does it mean to be "euhemerized"? It is based on the theory of Euhemerism, which was developed by Euhemerus, a fourth century B.C. Greek mythographer and skeptic. He suggested that the Classical Greek religion was based on real historical events which, through retelling and the addition of religious and cultural themes and motifs, became the myths that the Greek religion was based on. In other words, the Greek gods and goddesses were once real people who were elevated to the level of deities. A modern literary example of this would be Robert E. Howard's contention that the god Crom that his character Conan swore to had actually been an ancient chief, whose exploits had made him a figure of worship to later generations. The deification of Roman emperors after death is another example.

However, the process can also work in reverse: beings revered as deities can, over time, dwindle to larger-than-life legend and folk heroes. Mythographers have long speculated that the Tuatha Dé Danann, the Fir Bholg, and the Fomorians were once the gods of the Celtic ancestors of the Gaels or even of the prehistoric people the Celts displaced, who over time were reduced to mortal races. Further, these same mythographers believe the Danann and Fir Bholg dwindled still further to became the Faeries of Irish folklore, especially after the conversion of the Irish to Christianity. Similarly, the heroes of Irish mythology are believed to have been local gods and goddesses who were reduced in stature as more prominent deities displaced them.

So to say that Medb is a euhemerized local sovereignty goddess is to say that at one time she was worshiped by the people who lived around the hillfort at Rathcroghan as a symbol of fertility, life, and death, who blessed the king and his rule, but who could also curse him and blight his people if she was not properly revered. In time, though, her status was reduced until she became a legendary queen with superhuman powers and appetites.

Next eBook: Sacrificial Offering

The next story in my schedule to be published through Smashwords will be:

Sacrificial Offering

Medb hErenn volunteers to become the Bride of the Black Ram, the male counterpart of Shub-Niggurath, to save an innocent girl's life and rid her village of their curse. She soon discovers, however, that the circumstances are not what they seem.

This will be another sale ebook.

New eBook: A fidus Aranea

I have just published my latest ebook:

A fidus Aranea

Wendy Stroud fears for her family. Eric, her mother's new boyfriend, has a fearful temper, which gets worse when he drinks. He regularly beats her mother, he hits her on occasion, and he sent her Uncle Timothy to the hospital. He even killed her pet Siamese cat.

Wendy wants him to go away and never come back, but she can't do it on her own. Her Uncle had told her about a friend who could help, but Eric beat him almost to death before he could ask.

Wendy cannot wait until he recovers, if he ever does. Who knows what Eric might do in the meantime? She decides to contact her Uncle's friend herself. Fortunately, he had told her how to do it.

All she has to do is recite a magic spell out of one of his books....

This ebook is sold for $0.99. It can be downloaded from Smashwords.

My Decision to Self-Publish

My decision to self-publish was spur-of-the-moment. In April I made my annual two submissions to Sword & Sorceress, for the sixth year in a row, and as usual my stories were rejected. (To be fair, one year one story was held for consideration, but it was still finally rejected for being too long.) The reason was the same as well: they just didn't feel right.

And as usual I yelled at the monitor, "WHY don't they feel right?!?" But of course the monitor didn't know.

That experience has been sort of an example of the way my writing career has gone. I've been trying to get professionally published for 35 years. You would think that in all that time (or even in the last six years), at least one story would have made it. This latest rejection was sort of the last straw. Though I am just stubborn enough to try again next year, I had pretty much decided to give up on ever being professionally published.

(In all honesty that's not strictly true. I just recently submitted a story to an anthology being edited by Ellen Datlow, but frankly an ice cube would have a better chance of lasting five minutes in a deep fat fryer.)

I had resigned myself to posting my stories for free online; that way at least some people would see them and perhaps enjoy them. Then one day I was sitting in the doctor's office, when I read a Newsweek article on self-publication.

I thought, "Why the @#$%^&! hell not." After all, if I never sell a book, I'm not any worse off than being unpublished. One of the companies mentioned was Smashwords, so I looked them up, expecting them to be some kind of subsidy press.

I was wrong. They didn't charge a cent for any service, not even distribution to their retail partners, which included Apple, Kobo, Sony, and Barnes & Noble. I contacted a few authors and editors I knew and asked their opinion. They encouraged me to try.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Even so my decision had been building for some time along with my frustration. It took much soul-searching for me just to decide to post a few stories on deviantArt and three dedicated character websites. I had resisted this idea mostly because posting to the Internet is considered to be a form of self-publication, and up until now I had no intention of publishing my works myself. I wanted to be a commercially successful writer, and for better or worse, that means being published by commercial publishing houses.

The main obstacle to my going the self-publication route was that professional writing organizations like the Horror Writer's Association (HWA), as well as commercial publishers, frown on any form of self-publication. The attitude of the latter is understandable, since self-publication can cut into their business. The attitude of the former, however, is based on the desire to promote writing as a business and a profession, as opposed to being merely a hobby or an art form. This is a worthy undertaking, but it can lead to problems if taken to unwarranted extremes.

For example, when I was a member of the HWA I had been a participant of its discussion board, which was supposedly set up to help aspiring and beginning writers to improve their craft and become "professionally" published, as defined by the HWA membership rules. After being on it for about a year and a half, however, I finally resigned. The main problem was that I was constantly under attack for voicing unconventional ideas, including the idea that Affiliate members were professional writers even though they do not receive a minimum payment of 5 cents a word for their writing. (The HWA defines a professional rate of pay as being at least 5 cents a word. This is the basis for determining who qualifies for Active membership. However, despite the fact that the HWA does not define what constitutes a professional writer, many members believe that only writers who receive 5 cents a word are true professionals, despite the fact that this belief is a logical fallacy.)

Another point of contention was my defense of the right of any writer to sell to a non-paying publication. A few members considered this so abominable that they would viciously attack anyone who even just mentioned non-paying publications without condemning them. They lumped non-paying publications in with subsidy publications as being not just unprofessional, but in fact anti-professional. In fact, the rules of conduct for the discussion board actually forbid any mention of non-paying or subsidy publications. (Interestingly enough, the rules used to just forbid discussing subsidy publishers, but they were quietly changed to include non-paying markets after I pointed out one day that they did not forbid discussing free markets on the board.)

Now, I strongly oppose submitting to subsidy publishers, since I do not believe any writer should have to pay to have his or her works published. However, I draw the line at witch hunts. It is laudable for the HWA to encourage its members to submit to paying publications, especially those that pay a professional rate. It is also reasonable to expect that some HWA members would try to discourage other members from submitting to non-paying markets. But it also allows some members to persecute other members who ultimately choose to submit to non-paying venues. And considering the escalation of the criticism of publishers and venues that only pay 1 or 2 cents a word that I saw in the months before I resigned, it appears the witch hunt is broadening the range of its targets.

In the hierarchy of heretical actions condemned by the self-appointed hierophants of the HWA discussion board, self-publication is only marginally better than subsidy publishing: at least you didn't pay to have your writing published, but you still did not submit to a real publisher, even one that pays no royalties. In many ways, self-publication is considered to be way worse than being published by a no-pay publisher, because it is considered the epitome of fan or hobby writing. It hearkens back to the days before the Internet, when anyone with access to a mimeograph machine or a photocopier could "publish" his own periodical; these became known as "fanzines". The Internet just makes this easier, and has the potential of reaching far more people. Members of the HWA have attacked and ridiculed self-published stories and novels as being exceptionally bad without allowing for even the possibility of occasional exceptions. It's become a reflex action: This story was self-published? Then it must be terrible, and I won't read it. As such, self-publication can stain a writer's reputation and make becoming "professionally" published more difficult. Or so the hierophants claimed.

In the end, there were three reasons why I finally decided to self-publish:

First and foremost, the raison d'etre for being a writer is for people to read your work. It doesn't matter how good you are, if no one reads your stuff then you are not a real writer.

Secondly, self-publication has a long and venerable history. Before the rise of the large commercial publishing houses that came to dominate all aspects of the publishing industry, everything was self-published. Before printing, you wrote the book yourself; after printing, you either printed it yourself, if you were a printer, or you paid a printer to print it. Publishing houses took over the business of publishing because they could market and distribute books and periodicals to far more people than any one person or printing shop, but in doing so they also created the attitude that only they represented true, professional publication.

The Internet has changed all of that. We are back to where we were after printing became widely available, only now it's much easier to get your stuff in front of a much larger audience. And while the publishing houses consider posting to the Internet to be a form of publication, there is no legal precedent establishing this. (At least, I've never found any, and no one can provide one.) In fact, it can be argued that posting to the Internet is just a way to publicly display one's work, and according to copyright law, public display is not a form of publication, since material copies of the work are not available for people to take and keep.

Thirdly and finally, the general condemnation of self-publishing by some members of the HWA underscores an inherent double standard. It goes beyond the fact that many successful commercial writers either started out self-publishing or engage in self-publishing later in their careers. HWA members have also condemned many practices that are considered to be important, even vital, in the general business and professional world.

In fact, one need only compare professional writing with professional illustration and web design to see this double standard clearly. Being an illustrator or a web designer is analogous to being a writer (and in fact I am a web designer as well as a writer, so I know this for a fact); they only differ in details, not fundamentals. All three can do work-for-hire, commissions, or freelance projects they hope to sell. All three create forms of art they want to be seen and enjoyed by others. All three have to find some way of getting their work before their audience. All three can have their work commercially published, self-published, or published by subsidy. And all three can copyright their works.

But only in writing is self-publishing or subsidy publishing condemned to be antithetical to a professional career. In fact, in web design and illustration, self-publishing is not only considered acceptable, it is recognized as a good career move, because it gets the work out where people can see it, which in turn can generate commissions. At the very least, it gets the designer or illustrator recognized, which can help when submitting freelance work.

And this comparison also demonstrates how the arguments made by certain HWA members as to why self-publication is a career-breaker simply don't hold water. One is that the story editor will use the quality of the publication a story appeared in as a way to judge the ability of the writer. Yet art editors and design directors don't care where an illustration or a website was published, all they care about is the quality of the work itself. Another argument is that story editors will think badly about a writer who allowed his work to be published without proper editorial correction and enhancement. Yet art editors and design directors are able to look past the lack of editing to judge the potential of the work in question.

So why do story editors act in such a contrary manner? In reality, they don't, at least the professional ones do not, the ones who made a career of editing, who were taught by other professional editors, who have gained much experience in editing over their long years of work. For the most part, the story editors who act the way the HWA members claim all editors do are not themselves professional editors. They are writers who decided or were asked to edit books or magazines; they are people who start a publishing venture with sufficient capital to offer professional rates and have the good fortune to make a go of it; or they work for small or specialty presses who are unable to adequately train them to be editors.

The point being, that since what certain members of the HWA message board swore were the facts of life for writing, are in fact contradicted by the real world, I have to question their veracity.

A final reason, which was not part of my decision-making process, but has a bearing on this issue nonetheless, is the fact that after I resigned from the message board, I found I was banned from it retroactively. It is possible for HWA members who are not members of the board itself to read the messages posted there; they just cannot post replies or new messages. When I tried to access the board, however, I received a message saying I was banned. What this means for me is that, since the board was advertised as the best way a member can improve his or her craft and become "professionally" published, the HWA is attempting to cut me off from this option, in the hope that I will ultimately fail as a writer and so vindicate their worldview. If that is the case, then not only am I forced to develop my own way to become commercially successful, I am also free to use whatever method I deem fit as part of that way, without fear of censure from the HWA itself.

Going Medieval

Some time ago, The History Channel ran a two-hour special named "Going Medieval", in which weapons expert Mike Loades takes an action-filled trip through the medieval world to see what life was really like for the people living in the Middle Ages (1200 to 1400) lived.

Some highlights:

Sword fighting was incredibly sophisticated, including wrestling holds and blows to disarm and subdue an opponent, and as much as possible you took your opponent alive to ransom him later.

Knights trained constantly: running a mile every day in armor, playing with stone medicine balls, and practicing with wooden swords twice the weight of a metal sword.

Shields were used to protect against arrows, but could be used as a weapon in close-quarters combat.

A treadmill-operated crane could lift nearly a ton of rocks to the tops of castles for construction.

Travel by horse used special ponies that could amble, which is a gait faster than walking, but slower than cantering or galloping. An ambler has good stamina; it could travel for hours and was very comfortable to ride.

For best international trade, use a boat called a cog. With a wide deck and shallow draft, you can take a large amount of cargo of almost any kind almost anywhere, even far up rivers.

Small port towns could be established almost anywhere, and they allowed international trade to bring goods from anywhere to anywhere. As such, people in the Middle Ages had access to an astonishingly wide variety of goods.

The Middle Ages were colorful, with dyed fabrics being common.

Month-old stale urine was used to fix many dye colors or used in soap.

Even at very close range (12 yards) longbow arrows might not penetrate chain mail and underpadding, but could hit with 300 pounds of pressure, doing considerable soft tissue damage.

Even so, longbows led to the development of plate armor, which led to the development of firearms.

Hunting was better training for warfare than jousting.

People hunting deer for food used "stalking horses": two men dressed up in a horse suit to distract the deer.

Examples of food eaten by ordinary people: pike (fish was about the only meat generally available), mutton, peas, apples and honey, curdled cheese and eggs, pigs, geese, bread.

Pastry crusts were used as baking dishes; they weren't meant to be eaten.

Food was cut with knives, but eaten with fingers. You used the thumb and middle finger (the "fingers of courtesy") to hide the mouth.

Ale was nutritious and safer than water to drink.

Pigs were used to clear land and till the ground.

Plowmen were paid professionals.

Villages were cooperatives where people pooled their resources and shared everything.

People slept naked, even when sharing a bed. They wore nightshirts to show contempt for their bed mates.

Medieval people made and used soap.

They used sticks for toothbrushes, while herbs were used for toothpaste.

A counterweight trebuchet could hurl a stone up to a mile. They also hurled fireballs, rotting corpses, even beehives.

Castles had murder holes; openings or shafts in ceilings to drop heavy rocks on top of attackers.

People called packers collected kindling and firewood in the forests and hauled them to the villages.

Inns were for travelers, but taverns were for villagers and townsfolk.

Taverns provided heat and light when it was otherwise too expensive to heat and light individual homes.

40 Questions with Sir Differel Van Helsing

1. What is your name?

My full legal name for official purposes is: The Right Honourable Baroness Sir Differel Isolde Churchill Pendragon Van Helsing Plunkett, 16th Baronetess Denver and Dowager Viscountess Dunwich.

But for obvious reasons I prefer Sir Differel Van Helsing.

2. Do you know why you were named that?

My father named me Differel as a cognate to Integral, to indicate that I should always be changing and adapting. Isolde was my mother's middle name. Churchill is the name of an ancestress who sacrificed her own family's continuance to allow the Van Helsings an entry into British society. Pendragon is the name of my mother's family. Van Helsing is my maiden name, and Plunkett is my married name.

3. Are you single or taken?

That's complicated. I married Victor in 2001; he was killed in 2004. We were later reunited in the Dreamworld and we remarried, so technically I am "taken", but our Waking World vows were till death do us part, so legally I'm still single.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

If you mean 'superpowers', no. But I am the master of Dracula, and I can command the sword Excalibur through my Pendragon heritage, so, in that sense, yes. However, I am also a crack pistol marksman, an expert sword duelist, and a master of hand-to-hand combat. Which are infinitely more practical than x-ray vision or the ability to fly.

5. Stop being a Mary-sue!

I beg your pardon?

[Dracula] He means ---

I know what he means, you bloody git! Eile and Sunny always talk about how we share the same "creator", but being as they're not referring to God, I have no idea what they mean. Frankly, I doubt the Almighty uses me to satisfy His fantasies.

6. What's your eye colour?

Grey. Sunny describes them as 'cloud grey', but I think that's overdoing the description.

7. How about hair colour?

According to Sunny, it's 'ash grey', but as far as I'm concerned, grey is grey.

8. Have you any family-members?

Just my son. I have a number of cousins, but we don't socialize. I also have a paternal aunt, but she disappeared and I've never heard from her since.

9. Oh? How about pets?

Assuming Vlad doesn't count, no. Though I am fond of the stable cats.

10. That's cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don't like.

Having to give these moony interviews, but my contract demands it.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

I play the cello, I exercise with swimming and gymnastics, I collect and study artifacts and Medieval documents, and each night I sojourn in the Dreamlands.

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in anyway before?

Only in the line of duty. Oh, and when I was younger I broke the arms of a few persistent suitors who refused to take no for an answer.

13. Ever...killed anyone before?

My Aunt Mandy, when she tried to assassinate me. Otherwise, just monsters.

14. What kind of animal are you?

That's a bloody fool question!

[Dracula] She is partial to bats.

Shut it, you bloodsucking wanker.

15. Name your worst habits.

That's much too personal.

[Dracula] She keeps threatening to cut out my heart or blow my brains out.

Oh, bloody hell.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

That's problematical. When I was growing up, Vlad was my mentor, but frankly he was a bad role model. Naturally I revere the Sovereign, and I respect Her officers and advisers, but otherwise, no.

17. Are you Gay, Straight, or Bisexual?

I beg your pardon!? I married and had a son, so what the bloody hell do you think?!

[Dracula] You seem pretty 'close' to Lady Margaret---

One more word and I'll cut out your heart!

18. Do you go to school?

I'm much too busy, but I have considered going back to college after Henry takes over the Order.

19. Ever wanna marry and have kids one day?

I already did, you idiot.

20. Do you have fangirls/fanboys?

Not counting Team Girl, I doubt it, though I often get letters from schoolchildren. Fortunately, Aelfraed intercepts letters from teenagers propositioning me.

[Dracula] She receives more mail from girls than boys.

Oh, bollocks!

21. What are you most afraid of?

The extinction of the Van Helsing Bloodline. And Sunny embarrassing me before the Royal Family.

22. What do you usually wear?

£7500 silk pants suits from Carnebeighe Dublin Gallant, with a cravat and gloves.

23. What's one food that tempts you?

Cherry amaretto ice cream

24: Am I annoying you?

You really don't want me to answer that question.

25. Well, it's still not over!

Bloody hell.

26. What class are you? Low class, middle class, high class?

As a peeress and a member of the aristocracy, I'm technically upper class, but I was born into the gentry, which would be middle class.

27. How many friends do you have?

Technically, just Eile and Sunny; Margaret is more of a 'frenemy'. However, I have numerous colleagues whom I respect.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

Pie?! It's all right, I suppose, but I'm more partial to pudding, especially haggis.

30. Favorite drink?

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a teetotaler. However, I only drink on special occasions, so I suppose tea would my answer.

31. What's your favorite place?

I could tell you, but because it's a secret I would have to kill you.

32. ...interested in anyone?

That's no bloody concern of yours!

33. If you're a girl, what's your cup size?

You are this close to be being Vlad's afternoon snack!

34 C. How is this relevant?

And just what the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?!

34. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

Actually, I have a swimming machine in my manor.

35. What's your type?

"Type"? Some of these questions make no sense.

36. Any fetishes?

Don't go there. I mean it!

37. Seme or uke?

Oh, bother. I'm sure if Eile and Sunny were here, they could tell me about some kind of anime pornographic definition, but in martial arts, the Seme is the instructor and the Uke is the student, for all practical purposes. I used to be Uke, but now I am Seme.

[Dracula] Lady Margaret would dispute that.

So help me, I'll have Aelfraed put garlic in your blood ration!

38. Camping or indoors?

And pray, tell me what relevance that has to anything?

39. Are you still wanting the quiz to end?

Just get the bloody hell on with it!

40. Well, it's over! Now tag five people!

Hmph. If I could, I'd have Vlad "tag" Team Girl. Then maybe they would stop volunteering me for these cockup interviews.

Mr. Magoo and Team Girl, Too!

How is Team Girl like Mr. Magoo?

You know, that nearsighted, funny little man voiced by Jim Backus, pictured at left.

No, this isn't another of Sunny's sick, perverted, sexual fantasies.

So how is Team Girl like Mr. Magoo?

Well, Mr. Magoo started off as a UPA cartoon character in 1949. He appeared in a number of shorts during the fifties and in a television program in the sixties. Then, in 1962, he starred in the very first animated Christmas special made for TV, Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol, in which he played Ebenezer Scrooge. It was presented as a Broadway musical theater play, with the story's chapters presented as acts. As such, all the British characters seen were not really themselves, but American actors playing them. There were a number of changes made to the story, but otherwise it was remarkably faithful both to the letter and the spirit of the story.

The success of the special then inspired a TV series in 1964 called The Famous Adventures of Mr. Magoo, in which once again he portrayed an actor playing various roles. Some of them were William Tell, Friar Tuck, Don Quixote, Cyrano de Bergerac, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Dr. Frankenstein. Again, as with Christmas Carol, the episodes often made changes in the stories, but they were still largely faithful at least to their spirits.

In a similar fashion, I put Team Girl into what I call Alternative Reality stories, that are based on legends, folktales, novels, and movies, or which borrow motifs and tropes from fantasy, science fiction, mysteries, and other genres.

On top of that, in "Famous Adventures" the same "actor" characters often played similar roles, such as hero, leading lady, and villain. Especially the villain. And in the TG Alternative Reality stories, I use my other characters in ways similar to what they do in the regular stories, such as using Dr. Mabuse to play a scientist or villain, and Medb to play the mentor.

Personally, I'd never have pictured Mr. Magoo as playing heroic or dramatic roles, but it worked because his character was a natural for those kinds of adaptations. I wanted the same to be true for Eile and Sunny. Their motto, "We'll go anywhere, we'll do anything!", isn't just about their contemporary world or Dreamland adventures, it also indicates their ability to appear in virtually any kind of story, playing just about any kind of role.

I mean, who would ever imagine two adorable young women as commandos, or knights, or tomb raiders, or monster hunters, but I can pull it off because in the end those stories aren't really about them but about the roles they're playing. They just bring a new twist to those roles.

In many ways, they're no different from actors who play many different parts during their careers, and the Alternative Reality stories are like those fantasy episodes you sometimes see on TV series. They're just able to play a wider variety.