L.D. Parker's Blog, page 3

Image

Dang it LD, you were doing so good and then…Yeah, yeah, yeah, get off my back.I fell off my game in a large number of areas in my life, but I’m back at it, and here today to talk about one of my (least) favorite topics – image.As you know (probably) I spend a great deal of time battling with my view of myself, in large part because I’ve struggled with my weight almost my entire life.  A few years ago I really dedicated myself to fixing this issue – I wanted to get healthy, not to a specific number on the scale, just healthy and happy.  And BOY was I on my way.  Lost over 70 pounds, was working out with a trainer, in the gym doing cardio 2 days a week and weight lifting 3 days, plus random stuff like basketball and walks with my kids.It rocked.Then life happened.You know…life.I’d list out everything that I allowed to derail my progress, but ain’t nobody got time for that.Plus it’s irrelevant.Today I was in the gym on my 4th day back in the saddle.  Determined (again) to DO THIS and do it right, as I’ve already proven I know how to do.It was a great workout.It is a bad day.On the elliptical, I looked at myself in the mirror and almost stopped to have a little breakdown.  Who is this woman?  How did I get back here?  I haven’t gained back ALL that I lost, but of the 70 that was gone, 47 is back.What the hell happened?I suddenly remembered this post that I made back at my peak.  I was so proud.  It was the first time that *I* had really noticed how different my body was.  Still wasn’t “skinny” (see the pic at the bottom of that post) but boy had I come a looooooong way.  I was happy to be in the gym wearing form-fitting-ish clothes instead of trying to hide in baggy ones.  I didn’t care if someone looked at me and thought “fat girl” because they had no clue.That is NOT how I felt today.Today I felt shame, embarrassment, anger.  Sure, “life” screwed me up, but I allowed it to happen.Then, something wonderful happened.  My gym buddy walked in.  Funny thing – I actually don’t know his name.  He’s a guy who works in the same building I do, and we work out at the same time each day.  We don’t really talk.  We nod, smile, say “have a good workout”, and that’s about it.  When I was at my best performance he’d occasionally say something like “you’re doing great” or “keep it up” at those moments when I suppose my face showed I was on the verge of quitting.  He’s great.When I lost my way, I’d see him from time to time in the elevators or hall and he’d say “Gym misses you” or “it’s been a while.”  I appreciated it, but also felt bad – like I was letting him down.  Except I wasn’t.  Here’s a stranger – in pretty great shape himself – who was just supportive of what I’d done before.So when he walked in today, right in the middle of my pity party, as my eyes welled up with tears, he nodded, smiled and said “Good to see you.”Those four words were what I needed.Good to see you – making yourself a priority.Good to see you – getting back to what’s important to you.Good to see you – taking care of you.No judgment, no criticism.  Just four words that meant volumes.Good to see you.No, my body isn’t what I want it to be.  Yes, I fell down from my peak fitness level.  But the important part isn’t that I fell, it’s that I’ve gotten back up.Will I stumble again?  Probably.  Maybe even fall.  But so long as I get back up and keep going, I’m succeeding.The girl in the mirror right now doesn’t look like I want on the outside, but she’s got the heart, drive and determination that success is made from on the inside.  That is the image that matters.

Give a Little, Lose a Little

Watching Beaches is almost always a mistake for me.  Don’t get me wrong – it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and I seem to be unable to change the channel when I stumble upon it.  But without fail, it ends with me crying.  Can’t help it.  I have the same issue with […]

Give A Little, Lose A Little

Watching Beaches is almost always a mistake for me.  Don’t get me wrong – it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and I seem to be unable to change the channel when I stumble upon it.  But without fail, it ends with me crying.  Can’t help it.  I have the same issue with Armageddon.  Ok, that one may seem odd as a tear-jerker, but it’s the end (spoiler alert) – Liv Tyler saying goodbye to her daddy, Bruce Willis, for the last time?  Leave me alone, I’m a Daddy’s girl.Off topic as usual.Beaches – there’s one song… “Glory of Love” that has always spoken to me.  It’s originally by Benny Goodman, but I do love Bette Midler’s version.I think one of the reasons I like this version so much is because the entire movie is about one of my favorite topics – Love – but not the romantic kind, the kind that blossoms out of a lifelong, profoundly deep friendship.I talk about Love here a lot.  Why?  Because it’s something I’m pretty good at.  Those who are closest to me will tell you that I love easily and unconditionally, and at times, undeservingly.That’s the bad side.I give love, even when the person I’m giving it to hasn’t earned it, and perhaps doesn’t deserve it.  Maybe, just maybe they even have done things that *should* make me opposite-of-love them.Except…I don’t.  I almost can’t.Even people who have really wronged me, while I may not like them, even may distance myself from them, if I ever loved them, I never stop.My question for you caught up on the interwebs here is this: Is that a bad thing?Hear me out for una momenta por favor (my limited Spanish…I can also order beer and ask where the library is…)Love is supposed to be giving…caring…compassionate.  We are told in scripture that Love is patient and kind…bears all things…believes all things…endures all things and NEVER ends.  It is the purest of emotions.Have you ever held a newborn baby and just stared deep into its eyes?  I believe those eyes hold the secrets to the universe – they just can’t tell us with words.  But one of the things you will see in those eyes is pure, unadulterated love.The thing about me and love is I believe in giving it – to whomever I can, as often as I can, as much as I can.  (And yes, I’m keenly aware that the 13-year-old boy in each of us is now giggling…not THAT kind of love people…stay on topic with me here…)I believe the more love you give, the more you have to give, the greater your capacity for giving.  Do you open yourself up for hurt?  Sure!  But you also open yourself for uncompromising joy.  For gifts beyond measure.  And that makes any possible pain worth it.I’m not saying it’s easy – by any means.  I am still traumatized by love so often.  One of the more scarring episodes was a few years ago, I was dating a guy who decided to break up with me via e-mail…because he was just classy like that.  The pain was unbearable.  But in the pain, do you know what happened?  One of my dearest friends (who abhors emotion like nothing you’ve ever seen) held me as I cried (offered to go deal with him in a permanent way) and poured a different kind of love all over my hysterical sobbing self.  Right there in the midst of pain caused by one kind of love was an outpouring of healing through another kind.That, my friends is the story of, the glory of love.It’s got the power to destroy and to heal.  To break and to mend.  To bring tears and smiles.And trust me – the upside of it is ALWAYS better than the downside.Is love easy?  No.Is love worth it?  Yes.Go out and love someone today!

What’s Your Worth?

I ponder…sometimes too much.  Today I find myself thinking about how we value ourselves – or don’t, as the case may be. Facebook – one of the most evil creations I’m so glad to have in my life many days – tends to give us insight into those we know, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes […]

Through Your Eyes

Define cute. Or beautiful. Or lovely. Or any one of the positive adjectives that we humans use to describe another human whom we find to be attractive. It is simple enough to define all of them actually – they boil down to being pleasing to look at to the observer. Except… If you’ve ever struggled […]

Back in the Saddle

Three weeks ago I did something I’ve been meaning to do for almost 20 years – I re-enrolled in college. 20 years ago, I was entering my senior year when my financial aid fell apart because of a clerical error.  I was tired and frustrated with the school I was in, so I basically rage […]

Elusive Illusion of Control

LD, where the fudge have you been? Nowhere…everywhere…fighting The Man…saving the world…the usual. OK, that sounds so much more impressive than the truth. The truth is that life gets in the way, and the more I think I can control it, the more it proves I can’t.  (Hence today’s topic…see?  Not random at all!) Hello […]

What You Said vs What I Heard

Happy New Year Good People! OK, I’m a couple of weeks late…but you know, life. That being said, I don’t actually have any deep profound thoughts today – simply a chuckle. I was working on editing some poetry (new book coming soon…yeah, I’m a tease, I know…) and came across a stack of draft ideas […]

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Great Life!

Today is December 25th, Christmas Day.  As I write this, I’m not up at a ridiculously early hour because children dragged me out of bed joyfully at the prospect of Christmas Morning, but because my body doesn’t let me sleep past a certain time, no matter what. You see, yes, there are Hooligans in my […]

You’re Fabulous! I’m…Well……

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, A Fabulous Festivus, Superb Solstice, Kick-Butt Kwanzaa and Joyous-Everything-I’ve-Forgotten my dears! This time of year is simultaneously fabulous and difficult for many. We revel in the joy and the merry-making all around, but we also stress sometimes about are we doing enough, being enough, doing things sometimes when we’d rather be […]