Asrai Devin's Blog, page 14

Acts of Self-Forgiveness

When I was fifteen my parents split up. Finally.

That September, my dad took my brother and I to one of those crash em amateur car races. It was a cold day, and the cold got into my bones and made my knees and elbows ache.

The pain didn't subside for ten years.

They tested me for arthritis. I exercised, I relaxed, I did heat, I did cold. Yoga helped a great deal, but only for a few hours. I only took pain killers on really bad days.

So how did I get rid of the pain?

Self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.

*takes a deep breath*

I used to self-harm. I didn't know how to deal with stress or negative emotions. I didn't fit in at my high school. I didn't like myself.

I had to forgive myself for a lot of injury I did to myself. I had to accept that I had done the best I could. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions (this is a work in progress).

I decided today I want to make some art work for the wall that says "This life is a work in progress." Because I feel like I am just reaching my grown up stage. At age 30, it's all coming together for me.

What age did you feel like you'd become a grown up? What parts of your life feel like a work in progress?

 

Tagged: Asrai Devin, chronic pain, Forgiveness, Growing up, Health, Mental health, Pain, self image, self-abuse, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-hatred, self-injury

The pain was beautiful

The pain was beautiful.

It was borne out of love. Borne out of us wishing for one more smile, one more laugh. Borne out of us wanting to fulfill the wish her life was, to fill the hole her death left us with.

How can she be gone? How can we say goodbye?

How do you make sense of something that has no reason?

Have you lost someone too young?

(regularly scheduled Asrai may return with mischief next week)

Interspiration #3172012

Justine Musk talks about habits in general and how to change them. http://bit.ly/xESrRZ

Funny facebook statuses. http://bit.ly/AsnHTt

5 types of work that fill your day. http://bit.ly/yetaHo

Protecting our writing time http://bit.ly/w2XLO1

Daylight savings time origins. http://bit.ly/vZRwEt

Niche vs Non-Niche blogging? Whats write for you? http://bit.ly/yQzwFM

How to give praise and when to keep your mouth shut. http://bit.ly/zoX0Rx #Wana1011

Excellent advice. How to reblog. http://bit.ly/yf4MVB

What no one tells beginners. http://bit.ly/jd9xpb Ira Glass on creating.

My favorite new blog: interior porn. http://interiors-porn.tumblr.com I want to start a tumblr called "Organized Clutter" i love when the houses are cluttered, but organized.

Tagged: Asrai Devin, Facebook, Justine Musk, link, link mash-up, links, mash-up, Twitter

Truck Got Stuck

I can just see this group of idiots men in a muddy field, deliberating getting their vehicles stuck so they can call another friend to join in on the fun.

And I'm sure you can look around you and see the guys that would be out there in that field. My dad would be the first one out the gate.

Would you be out there spinning your tires? Do you know someone that would do something equally as stupid fun?

I have to admit, it does sound like it might be fun.

Tagged: Asrai Devin, country boys, country life, country music, farming, field, Semi-trailer truck, tractors, Truck, trucks, Vehicle

Giving Up

I have given up on trying to find the reasons why

…. there are none.

Image via Wikipedia

I have given up trying to analyze my own emotions

… they are what they are. There is never a right way to feel.

I have given up trying to figure out the right thing to do

… tomorrow I have to get over myself and be there for someone else. I feel inadequate.

I have given up thinking about it and not thinking about it.

I have given up arguing with reality

… she's gone. I don't know if there is more than I can say.

I thought about cards and flowers and I settled on writing this poem and placing it in a picture frame. Hopefully I can make it decent.

I am grateful for the people who surround our family. I am grateful for the outpouring of support in the community. I am grateful for the love in the world.

Tagged: Activities of daily living, Asrai Devin, Death, grief, grieving, loss of a loved one, Pain

The #Row80 Check in that wasn't

I will be writing in the quiet moments of life the rest of this week, but I hope that much of it will be spent with family.

"The driver was pronounced dead at the scene. The name is being with held pending family notification."

I've read that on many news articles. I've never been on the receiving end. I, truthfully, wasn't this time, but it was my cousin on that page, a sweet strawberry-blonde teen, just starting out, so full of life and joy.

Now, there is a hole where her joy used to be. Where I'd look forward to seeing her at family events. I will still look for her, remember her, but she won't respond to my please.

She will rest in peace, I believe. But those who knew and loved her will always hurt from the loss.

I know I will always wonder why, even though I know there is no answer coming for my questions.

I wonder what was lost with her. What were her secrets that she never told? What were her experiences with life? With love? What did she long to let someone know? What were her secret dreams?

Everything goes in a circle. I hear the news, I wonder why and I cry. And I wish there were a way to get her back.

Eventually the sadness subsides as I realize there is no why, or no answer to my question. So I get quiet and numb and I distract myself. But the news comes around again from an outer or inner reminder.

I know it won't always feel so raw. I wish there were more I could do for those who are hurting much more than I am. I wish I could take some of their pain.

Tagged: Asrai Devin, death in the family, death of a loved one, Family, grief, loss, Sadness, \

Writing Romance

I have loved love every since I can recall. As a child, pre-teen and teenager I was obsessed with wondering what falling in love felt like. How would I know if I fell in love, dying to fall in love. There were seven girls in my class so we labelled ourselves with the seven deadly sins, and I got lust, even though I never dated in high school and remained a virgin far later than everyone else.

During school we would come across the question on occasion "What do you think about when you fall asleep?" and I would make something up about planning my next day.

Truthfully, I made up romance stories. I was always the heroine and I was always victimized, really badly beat up by whomever was my nemesis that week. And then when I returned to school, my crush du jour would be there, helping me out and generally being nice to me.

Then New Kids on the Block came out and I was _in love_ with Jordan Knight.

Image via Wikipedia

So that was my new romance. I would get to tour with them and eventually he'd propose.

I was too young for anything physical beyond kissing. But we always eventually had children.

Then the NKOTB went away and there are some blurry years of who I was interested in. Older boys at school, some younger boys (my younger brother played hockey and there were 3 brothers, one was my brother's age, one mine and one much older and I had a crush on all three at various points).

So yes, love has always been my first love. Hockey is a close second. I think I wrote sometime ago about having a crush for several years on a hockey player named Corey, which is why I named Corey Porter such. Porter was not his last name. I did use his last name elsewhere. He doesn't play hockey anymore. I think he still lives where I live, so I fear running into him someday. LOL.

I wrote once, many years ago, and I loved the quote so much I remembered it "I never wanted an extraordinary life, I only wanted extraordinary loves."

I didn't date during high school. I grew up in a town of about 400 people, there were sixteen in my graduating class. It's hard to date in those circumstances, but harder when you are extremely shy and extremely odd. I moved away for a while, and then back, which is when I met my husband. I was working at the grocery store (because that was the only job available) and he came in and I thought "He's handsome. Hey, he doesn't know me, I wonder if …" a month or two later, I went to work where he worked, the pig barn.

That's about as romantic as it sounds. I'll go into those gory details another time. But we eventually had some time alone one day (you don't want to know why it was really gross) but he sort of invited me over for a movie and then to sleep there. And, well, being that I had never dated and still being somewhat shy, I didn't learn about NO very well, so we didn't know each other very well (or long) before I got pregnant. Which could have been TERRIBLE, but I got very lucky and picked the right man and we've been together ten years now and we finally got married almost three years ago. And now we have a very wonderful nine year old daughter and a somewhat destructive two year old, who will get passed his willful stage and become wonderful again.

I still love to daydream about romance, so I've tried to turn that into a career, because the fantasy men characters will not leave me alone. So I go and pair them off with their perfect woman, so they will leave me alone and I can have some alone time with the man I choose to stay with and who stays with me.

Tagged: Asrai Devin, Fiction, High school, Online Writing, Relationships, Romance, romance novels, romantic fiction, Wikipedia

Interspiration #3102012

I'm doubting I'll have a lot of links this week. It was spring break and my daughter was home, which means she hogs the computer all day. So instead of booting her off, I feed my Dragon Age addiction. I know it's tiresome to hear about, but I don't get out a lot and I write about the rest of my life on other days.

Research made me do it. Haha http://bit.ly/zuTda7

Feeling out of focus? Some tips for clarity. http://bit.ly/zYgNdt

Bloody monday got you down as well? Sending @AMhairiSimpson all my good thoughts and karma. :) http://bit.ly/yzt5kf  and an update: http://mhairisimpson.com/2012/03/update-on-bloody-monday-and-gratitude-for-the-love

Every superhero needs a villian. Hubby's corner (with mentions of my hero Mike Holmes). http://bit.ly/AgUHGW

If we aren't failing we aren't doing anything interesting. LOVE IT. @KristenLambTX http://bit.ly/zFdGL5

99 ways to simplify with kids! http://bit.ly/w6mi7p
Frozen Dead Guy Days?  I don`t know whether I`m amused or creeped out. http://bit.ly/zD9nfB
The people you meet on Facebook. http://bit.ly/xpxeJG
Emotion and conflict? Does romance need an antagonist? http://bit.ly/wuCyUt I think the characters are each other`s antagonists.
Do your efforts stand out or blend in? http://bit.ly/xDBrjU
A website all for gardening. I finally get a garden this year. It`s already dug up and everything. I`m so excited http://bit.ly/yg5SxU
http://bit.ly/wurc1n I want to read the first book mentioned.
Dear Facebook, enough with the changes already. http://bit.ly/yQ5C81
On Funny guys. Love the quote. http://bit.ly/yQ5C81


Tagged: Asrai Devin, blog linking, blog sharing, Education, link mashup, links, Mike Holmes, Spring break

Check in day, check in Day. #Row80 goals and shinies

I'm feeling whimsical and giddy tonight, thus my post title. IT works best if you say it in a sing-song voice.

Okay, I'm going to try to focus right now. See it's working. I'm recalling my goals.

Editing: i'm still on the fence with the editor thing, if I do hire one I need to wait until I get my writing money in. Or do I? I'm nervous. I need to send some stuff off for quotes. Tomorrow: I will suck it up and do this.

Writing: eh, I've spent too much time with this fantasy so I'm writing it. It's *gasp* Fan Fic. I just need to get it out of my head so I can move on.

Exercise: trying for a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday work out schedule.

House: going very nicely. I have some projects I've done in the past week or so that shall be up on House Tuesday, but due to the total lack of much to say about anything, I'm only doing House Tuesday every other week, to stretch it out a bit.

Blog: I am still working out a change in my voice, my writing style for this blog. Just the topics are not coming to me very fast, so it's a work in progress. I understand the high concept, but I have not been putting it into practice the past two-three weeks now. Stats are down.

Rethinking my Pinterest deletion. Just have to be careful about Pinning and visit the site and see if they encourage repinning, then I can pin. Everything else will be bookmarked via Delicious. There are lots of people who are seeing huge increases in traffic from Pinterest. which means, note to self, must find a way to make pictures more frequent and fit into the high concept mode, because pictures are central on Pinterest and becoming more important in social media period.

Tagged: Asrai Devin, goals, Pinterest, Round of Words, row80, row80 goals, Sunday, Twitter, writing

Emotional Intelligence Classes

I imagine I will be posting a lot of links to Single Dad Laughing. His posts are sometimes funny, but always, always make me think.

Recently he wrote about How the divorce rate could be lowered. His answer, emotional intelligence classes in school. Self-awareness classes for children.

The possibilities on this are endless. We could offer them for adults as well, who never got this training. Especially parents, because it's hard for me to believe that there are so many people who still believe that spanking is an effective teaching method.  Or that a young baby or child should be left alone to cry so they learn how to self-soothe. I never found it soothing to cry alone, personally. Human needs don't stop with physical, emotional needs are just as important.

I just read in the past few weeks that time-outs, while a step-up from corporal punishment, are not very effective in changing behaviour. They are a punishment and general abandonment of your child during a time of great need. (I spend a lot of time reading positive parenting blogs, because my son challenges my calm).

Self-awareness. Conflict resolution. Non-violent communication. Perseverance. Real self-esteem boosting from within. Solutions based therapy. Tolerance for differences (can you imagine the political maelstrom?)

I think it was in Switch I read about a group of students who spent time learning that they were actually smart and that they needed to work (I'm writing from memory so the story may not be exactly as told). Anyway, students who received this time had improved marks and attendance.

What's unfortunate, is those of us who are already pretty good at these sorts of things will take these types of classes, will search for more meaning and information on these topics. Those who truly need it, don't recognize the need and will rarely seek out ways to be better. Which is why putting it in schools (and workplaces) would help a great deal.

Do you seek out ways to better yourself? What would you think if a program like this was implemented in schools?

Tagged: Asrai Devin, Decision making, Emotion, Emotion and memory, Emotional intelligence, school system