BikeSnobNYC's Blog, page 44

What Neurosis You Running?

Wondering what's going on in New York City these days?  Well head on over to the Bike Forecast where you can learn all about what this guy thinks about bike lanes:


Spoiler alert: he does not like them because his logic is as fuzzy as his mutton chops.

Anyway, this past Friday I operated a bicycle with those curved-type handlebars they use in the Tour de France over a variety of road surfaces:


I even ventured onto the secret mountain bike trails I can't tell you about because it's a secret:


As you can see, the deer was nonplussed:


The bike I usually choose for these sorts of rides is my Milwaukee, now in summer mode with no fenders and plumpish tires:


Note the fetching tool roll, by the way:


(A tool roll for a rolling tool.)
Indeed, between the Cambium, the chubby Paselas, and the rubbery bar tape I bought on a whim and ended up really liking I daresay I was almost too comfortable:


It goes against all reasoning that a bicycle without any misshapen crabon or cutting-edge decoupling devices could still offer such a pleasant ride, but the scranus knows what the scranus knows.

Also noteworthy is that somehow I managed to arrive at the appropriate tire pressure with a minimum of fuss, which is not the way it's supposed to work.  In fact, based on what you read in cycling magazines and websites it seems as though inflating your tire should an incredibly delicate process that lies somewhere between baking cream puffs and defusing a bomb in terms of sheer meticulousness required:



When you sit on a bike, your tyres compress. If they compress too much, they’ll writhe and squirm on the rims, making the bike harder to control, increasing rolling resistance and putting you at risk of pinch punctures. If they doesn’t compress enough, the ride will be harsh and there will be so little rubber on the road that grip will be reduced.

Somewhere in between those extremes, there must be an ideal compromise. How do you find it?

I dunno, inflate your tires until they're not squirmy anymore?  Am I missing something?  Apparently so:

Engineer Frank Berto, who investigated this issue for Bicycling magazine back in the late 1980s, came up with a formula based on the weight on each tyre (link is external); he reckoned that the happy medium involved a tyre being compressed 15 percent of its height.

As a recreational and touring rider, Berto was probably more interested in comfort than speed, so this idea is controversial, because Berto recommends lower tyre pressures than most of us use.

Comfort more interesting than speed?  Silly recreational riders!  Don't they know putting up with unnecessary suffering is what makes you a "real" cyclist?  Always add at least 10psi for some gratuitous scranial pain, otherwise your Rapha-esque riding smirk might soften around the edges.

Anyway, here's the chart:



And here's how to determine "wheel load:"

To determine the right pressure, you’ll need to measure the load on each wheel. Put a bathroom scale under one wheel and enough wooden blocks, books or old magazines under the other to level the bike. Lean very lightly against a wall to steady yourself and sit in your normal position on the bike. Get someone else to read the scale for you. Repeat the process with the scale under the other wheel.

Though if you're really so concerned with finding the optimal tire pressure that you're willing to try the above, there's an even better method: find a dark room, lock your bike inside of it, and don't open it again until you've gotten a freaking life.

Plus, it's only a matter of time before some Fred cracks his skull open on the toilet while trying to weigh his bike in the bathroom.

And of course you'll need an accurate gauge:

To set your tyre pressure right you’ll need a pressure gauge. Track pumps usually have one built in, but they’re often not very accurate, especially if the pump is a bit old and has been kicked around the workshop floor.

Though the truth is that if you always use the same pump the gauge only needs to be relative to itself.  I haven't even looked at the numbers on my pump gauge in years, I just know generally which angle the needle should be pointing depending on which tires I'm inflating.

Then again I clearly don't know how to ride bicycles.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Firstly, I've been remiss in welcoming EH Works back to the right-hand margin:


Unfurling a fine handmade tool roll is such a pleasure I find myself almost hoping for a flat:


So order one for yourself if you haven't already, and if you have then order another one because who the hell has only one bike?

Also, they make lovely gifts.

Remember: anything else is just carrying your crap around in a plastic bag.

Secondly, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you're right, and if you're wrong you'll see a c-c-c-c-r-r-r-r-a-a-a-a-s-s-s-s-h-h-h-h.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and Happy Mother's Day.



--Wildcat Rock Machine





(Is it really "disrupting" if you were there first?)
1) Which is not a reason Horace Dediu, a "prominent analyst of disruptive technologies," gives to support  the idea that bikes will "disrupt" cars?

--"You can park a bicycle in your home or your office."
--They're "more affordable per mile."
--"Whenever I open my mouth about electric bicycles, the enthusiasm I get back is literally deafening."
--"What?  I can't hear you because I'm literally deaf from the enthusiasm generated by electric bicycles."





2) When you need to speed up in order to catch the green light, "Flo" shows you the image of:

--A rocket
--A rabbit
--A "+" symbol
--Bret, the Time-Traveling, T-Shirt-Wearing Retro-Fred From the Planet Tridork





3) The Cipollini NK1K has:

 --A "massive bottom bracket shell and taut front end"
--"Chainstays like soppressata"
--"The biggest headtube in the industry"
--"Glandular issues"





(Fixie braking innovations set cycling back at least 75 years.)
4) Campagnolo's new road bike disc brakes require use of a dedicated crankset.

--True
--False





(Tullio Campagnolo)
5) Which is not one of Tullio Campagnolo's patents?

--The quick-release skewer
--The sliding hub rod shifter
--The self-centering wine bottle opener
--The self-hoisting pant waist






6) Fill in the blank:

"Full _____ ahead!"

--Steam
--Bore
--Douche
--Scalded perineum




(More popular than ever...or defunct.  Do you even know?)
7) The Tour of California has:

--Just started
--Just ended
--Just been moved
--Just been cancelled


***Special "Pretty Clever, But Your Kid'll Just Be Bummed You Didn't Get 'Em A Real One"-Themed Bonus Video!***

Waiting for a crabon version with ceramic bearings.

Breaking: Noted Pontificator Thinks This Whole Bicycle Thing Just Might Catch On

The history of the bicycle is long and zany, as this amazing video shows:



Indeed, it's been a winding and treacherous road from those completely zany and borderline useless old dandy horses to the optimal balance of zaniness and practicality that characterizes (most of) the bicycles we ride today.

Given this long history, it's hard to think of the bicycle as "disruptive," but that's exactly how one smartypants characterizes it:


"Bikes have a tremendous disruptive advantage over cars. Bikes will eat cars," Dediu told CNNTech, referencing investor Marc Andreessen's seminal 2011 argument that software-driven businesses are dominating the world.

I think most sensible people would agree that, when it comes to personal vehicles in cities, bicycles have a lot more long-term viability than cars.  However, saying they're "disruptive" seems a little strange.  After all, bicycles "disrupted" the world well over a hundred years ago when they compelled municipalities to pave the roads.  Efficient and adaptable, bicycles were here before the cars took over, and they'll still be here when the idea of car ownership is obsolete.  Given this, as cyclists we're not so much "disruptors" as we are little furry rodents, scampering about resourcefully and flourishing regardless of whatever giant lumbering creature is squandering its temporary dominance at the time.

But while bikes and the riding of them have been around for a long time, bike share is pretty new, and I do think it's pretty fair to say that's "disruptive."  (That is if you're the kind of person who insists on using that term.)  And in addition to helping us get around, Smartypants thinks bike share bikes will also serve as little data collection probes:

Bikeshare bikes of the future, according to Dediu, will be outfitted with cameras and sensors, collecting valuable data for cities. When a cyclist rides over a pothole, it can be automatically reported to a city. Cameras on the bicycle will provide real-time data, such as pedestrian traffic and pollution. Google Street View will look like an antique compared to near real-time imagery collected from bikeshare cameras.  

The bikes will need to be carefully constructed so that the cameras and sensors aren't easily broken during use.

Well it's certainly an interesting thought.  I could certainly get behind the idea of bikeshare bikes that capture bike lane blocking, reckless driving, and other bad driver behavior.  The downside of course would be if the camera also ratted you out for rolling a red light or something, but maybe that won't be a problem with the Bicycle Traffic Lights of the Future:



Sadly it's unlikely we'll ever see any of this stuff happen here in Canada's saddlebag since it goes against our policy of punishing cyclists for not driving cars.

But try as they might to keep cyclists down they can't argue with physics.  For example, did you know that bikes are portable but cars aren't?

Bikes' flexible nature will aid their popularity. You can park a bicycle in your home or your office. A bike can be carried on a bus, car or train. A car doesn't offer this versatility. A similar case of disruption played out with cameras, as the always-in-your-pocket nature of smartphones helped them leave traditional cameras in the dust.

Yep, that's right, you read it here first: you can't carry a Hyundai onto a train.

Anyway, besides bike share, Smartypants says the other "disruptor" will be ebikes, which makes sense:

While the speed edge seen in New York today doesn't hold up in every city, it will likely change as electric bicycles emerge. Electric bikes -- whose motors generally top out at 20 mph -- will attract customers because they don't have to worry about breaking a sweat, struggling to climb a hill or keeping up with traffic.

"When you get on an electric bike, what we witnessed is a lot of those anxieties are calmed," said Elliott McFadden, executive director of the Austin B-Cycle, the city's bikeshare program. It recently surveyed citizens' interest in electric bikes.

You have to figure if the NYPD is cracking down on something that's usually a good indicator that it's a useful technology that will ultimately benefit humankind:


And Smartypants's vision of the future doesn't stop there, because after ebikes the next phase of disruption will be bikes with roofs:

As Dediu sees it, first the disruptive technology arrives, then the suitable environment follows. Early roads weren't smooth enough for the first cars. Early cellular networks couldn't handle smartphone data. But with time, the world adapted to fit the promising technology. Bike lanes are already growing worldwide.

And then there's weather. Riding in the rain or snow is unpleasant. Dediu notes that the first cars and planes were open air vehicles. But they morphed into cocoons. Dediu expects bikes will follow a similar evolution.

And there's your PodRide:


I have seen the future, and it looks like a giant shoe.

Lastly, reviews of the new Cipollini are in, and you'll be pleased to know it's got a "massive bottom bracket sheel and taut front end:"


Plenty of aero-style bikes feel fast once you’re over the 20mph hump, but the neat trick with the NK1K is that it feels lightning quick from a standing start. The solidity through the massive bottom bracket shell and taut front end make for a truly exciting bike under acceleration.

I'd expect nothing less.

Tech Weenie Wednesday!

Today's post is a short one again because it's equipped with discs and thus ends sooner due to the increased stopping power.
It's a significant occasion in bike geek history as storied Italian shifty-parts maker Campagnolo has finally gone disc:


This is huge, because until now if you wanted to use disc brakes with Campagnolo you had to retrofit a set of Delta brakes:


Here's a step-by-step tutorial on how to do that in case you're interested.
Of course, it's tempting to say that if Old Man Campy were alive today he'd be hoisting his pants even higher and harrumphing indignantly, but that's probably not true:

Oh, sorry, wrong pic:

After all, this is the man behind the quick release and the derailleur, which were cutting-edge Fred tech in their day, so if anything he'd probably be wondering why it took so long.

As for the brakes themselves, Campagnolo claims they're even better than Shimano and SRAM, because what the hell else do you expect them to say?

Campagnolo claims its new road disc brakes stop faster than Shimano and SRAM in the dry and the wet, with less hand force required.

They also feature two innovations.  The first is that there are two lever travel settings, which is actually pretty nifty:
The brake levers have two settings for pad engagement. There is adjustment via a 2.5mm hex key socket on the inboard side of the lever body. A clearly marked two-position cam controls the long or short travel settings, with the long position allowing about half of the lever’s full travel before the pads engage.
And the second is Campagnolo's introduction of a"disc-specific crankset:"

This is particularly groundbreaking, because now it's only a matter of time before companies start introducing other disc-specific components such as saddles, pedals, and bar tape:


Then again, there's no such thing as a disc brake "conversion" that doesn't basically involve buying a whole new bike anyway, so what's the difference?  As for what makes the crankset "disc-specific," it basically just moves your chainrings a bit, which in the olden days you'd accomplish with a different spindle or some spacers.  Fortunately now that that we have integrated bottom brackets and proprietary chainrings those days are gone, and you get to buy a whole new crank instead.

Progress!

Alas, what I was really hoping for when I read "disc-specific crankset" was this:


One of the most entertaining aspects of the Fixie Golden Age was their steadfast refusal to do anything even remotely sensible in the area of braking.  If they weren't destroying $50 tires in three days because they insisted on skidding in order to slow down they were using the greasiest part of the bicycle as a braking surface.

Those were the days.

Lastly, a Bahrain-Merida rider was booted from the Giro d'Italia for pushing, and here's the dramatic video:


If only he'd waited until they were under the tree canopy he might have gotten away with it.

Full Steam Ahead!

Let's keep it short today because I've got stuff to do, you've got stuff to do, and most importantly this blog is going steam-powered so it's only got a limited range.
There's been a lot of talk lately about ebikes:


(An ebike what I saw at the Bike Expo this past weekend.)
However, I have seen the future of power-assist bicycles, and it runs on steam:



Who says British engineering isn't what it used to be?  Just "put the kettle on" and this baby can hit 20mph:


Sure, that may not Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed, but it's certainly Steampunk nanty narking speed.

It's also a highly efficient machine that's able to travel ten whole miles on a single tank of water:

 
Which is heated by a highly combustible fuel admixture:


(I hope he's wearing a fireproof chamois.)
This is a tremendous improvement over a regular human-powered bicycle, which can travel ten miles on about three sips of water and a muffin.

Best of all, there are plenty of features for the Victorian Freds to geek out over, such as this analog power meter:


(#whatpressureyourunning)
And it tracks really well due to the weight of the boiler:


In fact you might say it corners like it's on rails:


Wow, he came into that turn pretty hot.

Best of all, I hear there's a gravel version in the works, which should allow you to ride unpaved roads with only minimal scalding.

Speaking of cumbersome machines, disaster struck at the Giro d'Italia on Sunday when the Trek-Segafredo bus got stuck on a narrow lane:

If you've ever endured a carload of children asking repeatedly "Are we there yet?," I can assure you it's nothing compared to a busload of cranky professional cyclists who haven't yet had their dinner and massage:

The Trek-Segafredo team were faced with a delay in getting back to their hotel on Sunday for the post-race recovery process of massages and dinner as the team bus became wedged on a narrow Sardinian lane.

Yes, apparently when you're driving a bus on a Mediterranean island, the Google Maps "faster route" option and sheep do not mix:

The bus was driving from Tortoi to a hotel near Bari Sardo, but the 16km journey was complicated by the 'fastest route' proposed by satellite navigation system taking them down increasingly narrow country lanes.

As the team press officer explained in a blog, they had to stop when a herd of sheep clogged the road ahead and, when they were out of the way, it became clear the bus was stuck on the bend.

Who knew?

So serious was the situation that the riders were nearly forced to walk, but fortunately help arrived at the very last second in the form of some team cars:

Riders started to get off the bus, thinking they'd walk the last couple of kilometres to the hotel, but in the end they all hitched lifts in team cars that had come to the rescue. Eventually the bus driver managed to free the vehicle and reversed before turning the bus around and finding another route.

Alas, if only the riders had access to some sort of small, human-powered wheeled vehicle then perhaps they could have made it to the hotel without having to wait.

Perhaps in the future Trek-Segafredo should equip their buses with a few of these in case of emergency:


Lastly, there are few things worse than being the victim of road rage, but at least you're not alone, and even Chris Froome is not immune to attacks from homicidal drivers:


The Tour de France champion was continuing his training back at home in the south of France after riding the Tour de Romandie, but said he was hit on purpose by a driver, who then drove off.

Unlike the damage caused to his bike, Froome said he suffered no physical injury.

"Just got rammed on purpose by an impatient driver who followed me onto the pavement!" Froome wrote on Twitter. "Thankfully I'm okay. Bike totaled. Driver kept going!"

At this point driving should be classified as an illness.  After all, if even the winner of the Tour de France isn't fast enough for them then who the hell is?

Apart from this guy, of course:

Sorry I'm late, I thought it was Wednesday there for a minute.

You probably think that when you're a world-renowned bicycle blogger and author you get to spend your weekends doing all sorts of "epic" rides.
Well, for all I know that's probably true, and if I ever meet someone who fits that description I'll be sure to ask them.  My life however is far less glamorous.  See, when you're me you get to ride from the Bronx down to lower Manhattan and go to the Bike Expo, where I eschewed the "bike valet" in favor of this far more expedient lamppost:

I like to stay in touch with the common folk.
My reason for attending the Bike Expo was of course to visit the Walz booth, where they were debuting my newest capway:

The inspiration for the bold (some might even say garish) graphic is of course the local Applebee's, for no other reason than I passed it on the way to Target one evening and liked the way this photo came out:

Also, the Applebee's is just across the Harlem River from one of the most famous spots in cycling--namely the start for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't and associated rides.
Oh, if you're wondering, the answer is "Yes, there will be a Fondon't soon."  How soon?  Well as soon as I figure that out I'll let you know.
Anyway, not only will the new BSNYC speed cap make you faster (it's red, duh), but it's also great for spectating:

That's yesterday's Orchard Beach Criterium, by the way.  My crit-racing days are over (or at least cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney, Bruce Lee, and Marco Pantani*), but I did have a horse in the kid's race as you can see.
*[Just trying to start an urban myth, do your part by spreading the lie.]
As for the Bike Expo, once I'd locked my bike I found the Walz booth, took my place at the table, smiled gamely, and scribbled my signature on anything that was placed in front of me:

Unfortunately the only thing placed in front of me turned out to be an agreement to have myself cryogenically frozen after death and to leave the entirety of my estate to Human Popsicles Ltd.
Next time someone asks me to sign their chest I'll insist that they move the paper out of the way first.
(Hey, what can I say?  He seemed sincere enough.)
After I'd put my time in at the Walz table I ventured into the Bike Expo crowd:

Which seemed to be concentrated as far away from the bicycle fashion show as possible, like a subway car when there's a particularly fragrant homeless person on it:

The fashion show was presented by Momentum Mag:


But sadly giving fashion advice to the sorts of people who think it's okay to wear bicycle helmets indoors is something of a futile endeavor:

As for the exhibitors, they included the Canadian province of Québec, who attempted to lure tourists with their unique and compelling mix of beautiful terrain and Francophonic rudeness:

And of course their arch-rival in the battle for cyclotourism world domination, Taiwan:

It's a pretty close contest, but in the end Taiwan won because it's not just bike heaven, it's the bike heaven:

Can't argue with that.
Speaking of heaven, if you don't want to spoil the exquisite lines of your mid-sized sedan with a traditional bike rack you'll be pleased to know you can instead use the suction cup-based system of your dreams:

For maximum clearance and driver visibility, always mount your bicycle right in the middle of your hood::

There were also fascinating glimpses into the future, such as this Fred pedaling eternally to nowhere:

As well as this person who I assume was dispassionately charging his phone:

And of course no Bike Expo would be complete without an appearance from Minute Rice:

Who invited attendees to spin their Wheel of Constipation:

Rice: it's nearly as binding as that cryogenics contract I was tricked into signing:
Once I'd perused the interior I headed outside, where food trucks dispensed food:

Clif's DJ kept the crowd moving just like their eponymous energy bars keep them farting:

And the over 21 set mingled and enjoyed the view from the beer garden:

Glamor?  Who needs it?

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Okay, let's get to it.

First, come to Bike Expo New York tomorrow to bask in my presence and obtain the new BSNYC cap!


(There was a typo on the date.  I fixed it.)
Second, read my thrilling Jersey City bike share travelogue over at the City Bike Jersey City Site!


Thirdly, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz!  As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then wow, and if you're wrong you'll learn about bicycling safety.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and thanks for reading.

Thanks for reading,


--Wildcat Rock Machine




(Also make sure it's as far back on your head as possible.)
1) Fill in the blank:

"Make sure your _______ is on and buckled every time you ride."

--Helmet
--Helment
--Healment
--Pants




(@HasidimForBikes)
2) Bike lanes are part of a vast Jewish conspiracy to drive gentile commercial enterprises out of business.

--True
--False





3) What is this?

--A new tire sealant on Kickstarter
--A new instant energy food recipe from Clif Bar
--"InstaChamois," the goop that conforms to your perineum allowing you to cycle in any garment
--A Mario Cipollini semen sample





4) Due to danger concerns, the Giro d'Italia recently cancelled a prize for:

--Most enthusiastic fan
--Fastest descender
--Most aggressive press moto driver
--The "Save water!" award for the team with the most conservative fluid consumption






5) I am one of the bike industry's sharpest minds.

--Ture
--Flase




(Before all this awesome new tech, 20th century bikes were literally unrideable.)
6) The latest must-have accessory in cyclocross is:

--Disc brakes
--A dropper post
--A suspension fork
--A motor




("Not if we can help it!")
7) Giant BMX bikes may be the future of cycling in America.

--True
--False


***Special Safety-Themed Bonus Video!***


Well okay then.

Bike Month Comes But Once A Year

Yes, that's right, this Saturday, I, the so called "Bike Snob," will be loitering at the Walz Caps booth at Bike Expo New York:


You won't want to miss me, if for no other reason than you can pick up the new BSNYC cap, which is a subtle homage to the local Applebee's.

Seriously.

(Don't worry, it doesn't say "Applebee's" on it.)

Also, if you want to ride down to the Expo together let me know, though I'll tell you right now if it's raining I'm going multimodal with the Brompton:


These days my MetroCard gets more of a workout than my legs.

Speaking of stuff you put on your head:

Good advice from our neighbor state, Maryland. https://t.co/jonjqdMO5h— DDOT DC (@DDOTDC) May 3, 2017

Yeah, that's right:


Good advice indeed.

By the way, in addition to the helmet misspelling (or correct spelling depending on how you look at it), May isn't "Bicycle Safety Month."  It's just plain Bike Month:


So if anything it would be nice if everyone would stop bugging us about the stupid helmets already.  I realize we're not going to undo Helmet Mania in this country anytime soon (though believe me I'm doing my best on this end), but at the very least they could shut the fuck up about it until June.  Bike Month should be a celebration of the joy of cycling during which we revel in delightful weather, savor the freedom of the bicycle, and appreciate wherever it is we live.

Here are five (5) things you should try at least once during Bike Month:

Riding Without A Helmet
Try it, you might like it.  And I guarantee you'll survive.  If you don't, contact me from beyond the grave and I'll refund your money.

Riding With Headphones
Boy do people ever get self-righteous about that one.  Do you know how dangerous it is to ride while listening to music or a podcast at a moderate volume?  Not very.  In fact, probably not at all.  The biggest risk is that you'll get a ticket depending on your local laws.  (In New York City you're only allowed to wear one earbud, which frankly seems more disorienting.)

Riding No-Handed While Having A Cellphone Conversation
Can you ride no-handed?  Can you walk and talk at the same time without bumping into anything?  If so you can combine them both into a no-handed ride-and-talk.  Of course, it's the kind of thing people see and think, "What an irresponsible person!," but the people who think that are usually douchebags.

Going For a Long Ride Without Wearing Special Clothes
When was the last time you just hopped on your bike and went a long way without getting all dressed up first?  If you're a Fred, not since you were like 8.  However, the truth is it's actually possible to ride a bike without stuffing yourself into an overly-revealing Lycra Fred condom.  In fact, it can be quite liberating, and it might even encourage you to stop along the way and do stuff, like have a drink--which brings me to...

Stop And Have A Freaking Drink for Chrissakes
Trust me, I spent years Fredding about and doing my best not to stop lest I sacrifice precious miles, and I'd get anything to have that wasted time back.  Had I ridden half as much and drunk twice as much I'd probably...well, I'd probably be in even worse shape than I am now, but I'd probably have been a lot more pleasant to be around.  (Then again, if I hadn't spent so much time racing and Fredding about back then I probably wouldn't appreciate not doing it now, so I guess it works both ways.)

Hey, it's Bike Month, loosen up is all I'm saying.

Speaking of which, I saw the following video via the Twitter, and while it purports to be motivational I saw it as nothing less than a horrifying cautionary tale:



I pray to the Good Lob on High that one day this poor Fred is able to break the Shackles of Weeniedom and know what it means to be free.

Seriously, if you get too deep into all of this you can lose the ability to think, and next thing you know you're reading articles about how to purchase food in a deli:

How to navigate a convenience store and save yourself from a bonk: https://t.co/wWv4tmzN1a pic.twitter.com/mFV7Ejtm07— Bicycling Magazine (@BicyclingMag) May 3, 2017

Horrifying.

Thank God It's Wednesday

Did you know that bike lanes are part of a vast Jewish conspiracy to undermine gentile businesses and prime the city for a complete Semitic takeover?

It's true, I read it in the comments on a local news story:


(Is she even Jewish?  I've never heard of a Jew named Polly.)
And you can read all about that delightfully idiotic story over at the Bike Forecast so I don't have to repeat myself:


You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you might even "shart" depending on what you ate for dinner last night.

Anyway, everybody knows the notion that New York City's bike lanes are part of a Jewish conspiracy is ridiculous, because it common knowledge that Jews prefer to manipulate the populace through their control of the entertainment and banking industries:


As half a Jew they let me audit the meetings but I'm not allowed to participate.

Nevertheless, I look froward to CBS New York's next hard-hitting report:


In the meantime, should people should start sabotaging the bike lanes with nails in order to Make America Great Again, you might want to get some Bicycle Armour, the new tire sealant currently vying for your money on Kickstarter:



As far as I can tell it's made from clumps that were scooped out of a bathtub drain or something:

Eureka Moment

Like Archimedes, our Eureka moment happened in a bath tub too …. the domestic chores of clearing a blocked drain to be precise. So the premise was; if human hair (which has quite a small diameter) can tangle up and effectively block a drain (which has a relatively much larger diameter), then maybe we can apply this principle to our bicycle puncture problem.

FACT:* This is the composition of a typical bathtub drain clump:

Soap scum: 15%
Hair: 25%
Semen: 60%

*[This is in no way a fact.]

So there's your sealant.

With that in mind, let this image of someone stirring a slimy brown blob with a chopstick forever haunt your dreams:


Of course, the concept behind Bicycle Armor is quite sound.  In fact, if you've been riding bikes for awhile, it probably sounds pretty familiar to you:


We incorporated different sized fillers, ranging from nano sized particles to microns in diameter. We developed a non aggressive, stable liquid transport system to suspend these fibres and fillers. And we combine all these ingredients using a very high energy three stage mixing process which we developed in house.

Hmmm, tiny particles suspended in a semen-like matrix?  I think someone named Stan might want to have a word with you:


("Not me, you idiot, the sealant guy!")
I wouldn't say there's nothing new under the Sun, but there's definitely nothing new on the Kickstarter.

Lastly, in news of professional bicycle riding, the Giro d'Italia has called off plans to reward the fastest descender with fabulous cash prizes:


But ahead of Friday’s opening stage in Sardinia, one new Giro award caused such a storm in the professional peloton that the race scrapped it just 48 hours before the start. The Giro was offering a cash prize of up to €15,000 ($16,381), in effect, for the craziest rider in the bunch: the fastest descender.

Pre-owned Hyundai money to the fastest descender in the race?  What could possibly go wrong?


Even better would have been if the cash prize was sponsored by a disc brake manufacturer:




Alas, in the end "safety" prevailed over spectator bloodlust, which is alwasy a bummer:

On Wednesday morning, following a backlash from the cycling community, organizers announced that the fastest descenders’ prize would be canceled.

“The spirit of the initiative was to highlight an important skill which is an integral part of a cycle race without putting the riders’ safety in jeopardy,” they said. “Rider safety is, and remains, the priority of the Giro and the race organizers.”

It's true, descending quickly is an important skill, which is already highlighted by, you know, winning the race.  Remember this guy?


(Savoldelli doing his best "Stop Making Sense" impression.)
Savoldelli was a climber but known for his fast downhill riding. He is nicknamed Il Falco ("the falcon"). His downhill skills won him the 2005 Giro. His descent of the Colle delle Finestre before the final ascent to Sestriere in the penultimate stage, closed a gap to Gilberto Simoni, preserving his lead and giving him the win.

Of course you don't.

But you would have if he'd launched himself into a ravine in pursuit of €15,000.

Anyway, in the end it's the fans who have been cheated out of a thrilling spectacle--not of of crashes, but of riders with no GC hopes ballooning up to Sumo-like weights in order to descend more quickly and claim the prize.

And there goes any hope of corporeal diversity in the professional peloton.

A short post almost entirely about me.

It's Bike Month, everybody!


That means it's time for Bike Expo New York!


Which in turn means it's time for me to hang around at the Walz booth pushin' caps!


Not only is Bike Expo New York free, but it's also your opportunity to hoard like a year's worth of free energy food samples (mmmm, can you say "Chia Squeeze?").  Just make sure you take a break from glomming and schnorring and swing by the Walz booth between 10am and 12pm on Saturday, May 6th, which is when I'll be there.

In other news of me, I graciously offered a piece of my jenious to Outside magazine recently:


While CDOT’s judges deliberate, we went ahead and asked 11 of the brightest minds in the bike industry what they would do to make U.S. cities better, safer, and smarter for the two-wheeled crowd. Here’s what they had to say.

Yeah, that's right.  I'm one of the bike industry's "sharpest minds:"


This according to the same publication that said you should "throw your rim brakes in the trash."

By the way, I feel I should offer a little backstory on that photo.  You may be wondering why I'm sitting on top of a picnic table in full Fred gear next to a rather incongruous retrogrouch sleigh.  Well, back in 2009 I visited Portland in order to pen this Pulitzer-worthy article for the very same publication:


The editor who commissioned the piece was a Portland denizen, and during my stay we went for a ride together.  When you're riding with people for the first time it's always interesting to see how people turn up, and in this case I showed up in full Fred gear astride the versatile yet aesthetically-challenged Ironic Orange Julius Bike, which served dual duty during my stay as urban runabout and irreverent SSCXWC chariot.  My editor, on the other hand, showed up in the sort of wool ensemble you'd expect to find atop a classy sport-touring/randonneuring/whatever-you-call-it bicycle complete with canvas handlebar bag like the one above.

Anyway, together we made for Forest Park, and at one point we switched bikes for a bit, which is when the above photo was taken.

All of this is a long way of saying I may be a sartorial disgrace, but even I would not have chosen that outfit to ride that bicycle.

Oh, he also took

I'm gonna go ahead and lie and say I curated that facial hair so I could go undercover in Portland and that it's not how I usually looked at the time.

Speaking of bike polo, have you ever wondered who invented it?  No?  Me neither.  Nevertheless I found out by accident and wrote about it in the Bike Forecast.

So there you go.