Nancy Mramor-Kajuth's Blog, page 4

What Will Save The World?

Recently, I was noticing that while that a Women’s March, that had been so united, was now showing signs of fracture, due to some personal agendas, creating racial divides, and the loss of some important sponsorship. I began to wonder about the reasons why even when we have a mutual cause, personal agendas get in the way.

I began to think of the issues with the NFL. I am an independent person, and had not taken a side, seeing the philosophies of both sides and the merit of both. Was it right to use the venue of the NFL to make a statement about race? I knew that the NFL would go on, but what would happen to the Women’s March? Without the sponsorship, they would surely experience growing pains. I wondered if they would recover.

I was considering lately that perhaps the only thing that can potentially unite the world, beyond personal interest, money, or pride is the issue of climate change. Are the air, the earth and the water the only things we all have in common, without argument? Don’t they provide the things that every individual needs, regardless of race, interest in professional sports or financial gain and don’ t they override all other special interests? If they are, we haven’t found this universal truth to be self evident.

The most basic human need is survival. Period. If a child is not fed, or does not live in a safe place where basic human needs are met, an individual is not prepared for the world that they face every day. But wouldn’t it be worse if we didn’t have air to breathe, air that has been compromised in California by wildfires and in Hawaii by volcanoes? Hasn’t the water fallen short of its ability to hydrate when some of the outcomes of breaking into our earth have resulted in contaminated water and even some earthquakes?

Blaming is not the answer. Anyone can say that a problem is created from a different source, other than admitting the real cause, deflecting the source of any difficulty away from themselves. It creates the illusion that ownership of the cause or at least the effect belongs to someone else. And so, is climate change the universal need that we could all agree upon eventually? And before it is too late?

Being convinced that it was, I was feeling that I may be on to something, but then reflected on the work of Jane Goodall. She found that chimps, for no apparent reason, at times would divide into sides, begin wars, march in formation, carrying weapons and kill one another. Was war an innate activity that is even common in primates? I had carried this question for many years, since attending a program where Jane Goodall spoke about her life and interests, and reading her book, ‘Reason for Hope.’

But an even bigger revelation opened the inevitability of divisiveness even further. I began to read a fascinating New York Times best seller, ‘The Secret Life of Trees,” by Peter Wahlleben. There, in the first 25 pages, I learned that trees of the same variety tend to favor one another over trees of different varieties, leaning away so that similar trees can get sun and water, while being somewhat less inclined to do for other species. Trees? They are highly intelligent and sophisticated life forms with networks, families and independent activity both above and below ground. Still there is a support network that can be exclusive for the purpose of survival, a network that supports a tree “just like me.”

I had heard stories of businesses, law firms and government organizations where there was ethnic, racial and financial bias toward those who weren’t “just like me.” After all, there is evidence that people are more comfortable with those who they deem to be similar to them. But in consideration of the idea that animals and plants showed tendencies for divisiveness, were humans doomed to do the same? Not when animals, plants and humans are so interdependent that we cannot live without one another. Not when we all play a part in the continuation of one another. And not when it’s the only thing we all have in common. Let’s clean up the planet for “all of us.” It feels better than “just like me.”

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Rachel Wants to Know: “Is God Santa Claus?”

Recently, a six year old with sandy blond hair tied up in pigtails, asked me, with a look of hope in her large brown eyes, “Is God Santa Claus?” She had struggled for the last week with the idea of entities with two different names who could give her what she asked for every night before falling into a deep, safe sleep. It was apparent that if God and Santa were the same, then it all made sense and she really, really needed it to make sense. Without the heart to tell her that they weren’t, the truth of the matter seemed to put her to rest.

You may have a similar conflict. The Christmas season, often brings with it some disagreement about whether it is a religious holiday or more recently, just a commercial reason for materialism. Some ask, “Are we worshipping God or Santa?” Let’s break them both down and have a look at the dilemma.

Whether you refer to God as a being, an energy, or a promise keeper, there is always an idea that God is the one that we call upon in time of need or desire. We put our trust in what we consider to be God and ask with all of our hearts. Sometimes we ask for what we want in detailed, full color motion pictures and in a loud enthusiastic voice, to be sure the God gets the message loud and clear. Sometimes, we even think about our desire and notice how we will feel when we gratefully receive the new bike or the pair of earrings. You have a sense that if you are good, and clear in your asking, that you will receive your desire, and so you try to live in a spiritual way. And whether you are a Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jew, Shaman or spiritual but not religious, the same concepts occur, even though the names of the deities you commune with have different names.

Now let’s take Santa, a myth that developed over time, differently in different countries, at different times with various names, and diverse images. In Pittsburgh, we have a rich display of Santa statues from around the world, located at the PPG building and skating rink, displaying the tale of how Santa is viewed from Michigan to Morocco. There is a different idea of an unseen, but known, Santa by children around the world. And the hope that various Santas can grant a wish or desire is strong no matter where you are from. The Santas help to remind us that seeing how we are all alike rather than different, supports the true meaning of Christmas.

So Rachel wants to know if God and Santa are different. They are different in an important way, (which we will get to soon) but they both bring us around to who we really are, what we really want, and how faith and trust bring many things to pass. So this year, we will shop and wrap for children to bring joy from Santa, visit a Bethlehem exhibit at a local Lutheran church, attend a multi-denominal ceremony at a Hindu temple, attended by Christians, Hindus, Jews, Muslims and Buddhist monks for the purpose of honoring those whose lives were taken at the Tree of Life Synagogue this year, say a pray in nature, and go to mass for Christmas, soaking up and sharing all of the love that is flowing from the hearts of those around us at this time of year.

Seeing how we are all alike rather than different has always been a big part of the holidays for us. So what is the true meaning of Christmas? Treat others as you would want to be treated is the golden rule and relevant commandment. It recognizes the God in everyone. And now for the big difference, between God and Santa: (drum roll, confetti falling from the sky, the sound of cherubs off in the distance) Santa is a human form of the all-giving deity, so by definition imperfect. God brings you what you need without a naughty or nice list, without fear of a lump of coal, or without having to be perfect and sometimes God brings you lessons. Yet God’s love is unconditional. So the answer, Rachel, is just ask and you will receive.

Dedicated to all of the Catholics, Christians, Hindus, Jews, Shamans, Spiritualists children and anyone I forgot around the world.

God Bless, Namaste, and Munay,

Dr. Nancy

 

 

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Forgiveness: The Key to Unlock Your Future

Inspired by Associated Press interview

Would you like to soar ahead in life unencumbered by emotional baggage? Then ask yourself: Is there anyone that you need to forgive or who needs to forgive you? Holding onto hurts, resentments of grudges takes up a lot of energy, even when you aren’t thinking about it. It’s like carrying a backpack that you have forgotten is there and yet it weighs you down. This is true for any emotional baggage, but especially for people that you carry in the pack that you have not forgiven.

And why is it so hard to forgive or even forget? Because there is an erroneous belief that forgiving someone makes what they did alright. There could not be anything further from the truth. When you forgive, you are not saying that what happened was acceptable, or that it wasn’t hurtful, or even that you think the person who did should be let off the hook. It merely says that you are done carrying the emotional hurt that gives away your personal power.

When you continue to blame someone for what they said, did or didn’t do, you continue to hold hurt, anger, resentment and disappointment. If you think of someone that you need to forgive, ask yourself what feelings go with the memories? Where in your body do you feel the feelings? And how much does it affect you?

Forgiving is letting go of the toxic emotions that get stored in the body and can even lead to illness. It is saying that you are done with the situation and the memories, and can release them so that you are free of the baggage that went with the lack of forgiveness. And remember, it doesn’t mean that what the person did is okay.

How do you begin to forgive?

Ask yourself, in total honesty, if you had any part in what happened. Accepting your part in any loss of friendship or relationship will assure that you don’t make that mistake again. Refusing to see that you had a part in the problem is almost always a surefire guarantee that you will make the same mistake again.
If necessary, apologize for your part, or at least admit it to yourself, acknowledging how you participated in the rift.
See the negative connection between you and the other person dissolve.
Send positive emotions to the place formerly held by the negative connection, such as release, happiness, prosperity, abundance, and wisdom for you both.
See you both moving forward free of the burden of the past.
Give thanks for the lesson learned and accept new ways of being that break old patterns of holding past hurts.

Now notice how you feel. Do you feel lighter, more accepting of yourself and your emotions? If so, sit with the new feelings for a while. Allow yourself to accept your past and look forward to your future. But not until you sit in what you feel now, in the success of your release, in gratitude for the lessons learned and the positive emotions that surround you.

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ARE YOU SPIRITUALLY FIT?

What is the part of you that lives forever? It’s a fascinating idea, to stand in knowing that you are are the custodian of a spiritual energy that remains long after the best day is done, the sweltering summer is over, and the all-season tires have worn out on your very first car.

Truly, you are not limited to the physical body. And it isn’t about religious beliefs or concepts, but rather an understanding that you are more than your body, that you have a spirit that will exist independent of daily life’s aches and pains, losses, triumphs, birthdays, and even sumptuous chocolate chip cookies.

Let’s explore the idea that there is a universal spirit that is larger than yourself, yet also exists within yourself. Some call your awareness of this spirit your intuition. When you understand and trust the spiritual part of yourself, it intuitively guides your choices on every step of your path. This understanding had been a driving force for me, but it truly navigated my decisions when I was diagnosed with Leukemia with only a 10-15% chance of survival!

I had been teaching Spiritual Fitness concepts at five Pennsylvania universities, and now I was getting the message to bump up my willingness to walk my talk in a much bigger way in order to save my life. Although a strong spiritual core had always been in the center of my heart, it wasn’t always in the center of my actions and choices. But it surely became the driver as I did a u-turn straight toward carefully navigating the trip to health. I was traveling on a journey toward survival, one I had not consciously chosen but one that required a strong inner GPS. I had to buckle my spiritual seat belt, fueled with the faith in my higher intuitive self which led me through the maze of the healing process.

The process began with a combination of extreme medical treatments, energy work, acupuncture, visualization, and healing prayers. But mostly, it was knowing that I had a purpose in life and that it was not over. I refused to go anywhere until it was complete, and that would be a long time away.

I would never say this was easy; after miraculously getting into remission in 23 days, I was advised to continue the two to four year treatment protocol. Reliance on my intuitive spiritual guidance was needed every step of the way, having to catch errors made by my skilled but overworked medical team. It culminated when I caught an error that would have cost me my life. Meanwhile, all of my body’s systems were shutting down due to the intensity of the medical treatments. I was quickly inspired to choose a new top-notch oncology team and the rest is history. By being receptive to my spiritual guidance, a treatment that could have taken four years took only five months, with some minimal treatment for another year and a half. And no matter what your current challenge, you can do the same thing; trusting your inner guidance can override any seemingly impossible challenge in your life.

How do you get to this place of receiving and trusting your own spiritual guidance? By using a Spiritual Fitness tool called the priority wheel. Imagine a simple wheel with a center hub and spokes, then think of a list of your life priorities such as family, spirituality, work, fitness, friends and hobbies. Rank them numerically and then place your number one priority solidly in the center hub of the wheel and place the other priorities on the spokes. Now imagine that the priority in the center of the wheel is driving and directing every other aspect on the outer spokes of your life as the wheel turns. What does that look like? How are you feeling about having that driver in the center of your life? What are you telling yourself about whether or not this is the best driver for you? Do you wonder if there are the limitations of having your specific driver? Or are you observing that with your driver, that it takes a lot of time and energy to pursue your dreams? You may be using using large amounts of your own personal and physical resources rather than tapping into an endless source of inspiration and strength. Now imagine that your spiritual life is in the center hub. A wheel that turns with spirit in the center generates a life that radiates in ever-increasing spirals toward knowing and creating your life’s true purpose.

What does that look like for you? Look inside to your breath. Breathing, or respiration, includes inhalation, also called inspiration. When the spirit drives the rest of your life, you are living, as is said in Italian “con brio,” which means to live with zest, spirit, inspiration and breath. The breath is the evidence of your spirit, and so slowing the breath allows you to slow down and mindfully observe what is going on in your mind, body and emotions. Spiritual observation is not concerned with gathering, exploring, re-arranging or improving anything in your physical life. But it brings awareness of your true purpose. Driving with your spirit in the hub of the wheel of life allows receptivity to inner direction that empassions your heart and directs inspired action, releasing your power to experience a path that is truly spiritually fit.

For more on Spiritual Fitness go to: http://drnancyonline.com/product/spiritual-fitness-by-dr-nancy-mramor/

Dr. Nancy Mramor Kajuth is a health and media psychologist in Pittsburgh

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It’s summer travel time: Are you anxious about flying?

Originally appeared in Thrive Global Summer 2018

Media and health blogs report that this is such a common problem! Many people have come to me in my psychotherapy practice to learn how to reduce flying anxiety. Symptoms include fear of heights, fear of being out of control, sleeplessness before a flight, generalized anxiety and resistance to taking the trip.

Before you go on an airplane, you might consider having some hypnosis, which is very effective. The hypnosis allows you to do a mental rehearsal of the flight while feeling deeply relaxed. Then, It is easier to carry those feelings to the actual flight. Counting backward while breathing deeply, seeing a safe flight and arrival and repeating a specific word that you associate with relaxation, such as “beach,” “safe”, or “calm” are suggestions that are part of hypnosis! You can use these ideas even if you don’t have time to see a hypnotherapist.

But you may need some preparation in order to reduce the anxiety. If you know how to relax in general, through mindfulness perhaps, then you will be in a good place to use the same methods before and during the flight.

If you have had a traumatic flight experience, you may need help to break the negative association with flying and reset your expectations. This can also be done through therapeutic methods such as hypnosis or EMDR.

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Build Lasting Confidence

Originally appeared in Inspiring Lives Summer 2018

Health articles in the media ask the question, “Do you know how to believe in, love and accept yourself?” It is an important question; without self-love and acceptance you cannot maintain a long-term vision and learn to walk in your own shoes. Knowing who you are and which shoes fit the best comes before setting out toward confidence. So begin with some soul-searching.

First, Set Very simple, achievable goals. Research on self-esteem shows that taking small steps toward goals is critical for achieving long-term success. You can have a series of these goals, leading to a big goal, but start with the first one. Acknowledge the completion of each step, telling yourself what it means, increasing your self-esteem toward each level of your vision.

Then, Understand the difference between inner and outer success. Outer success is often based on accomplishments and the attention that you receive regarding them. Yet even major accomplishments may not be seen by others, leaving you feeling empty. If you give yourself credit for them, accepting the qualities and strengths within you that led to success, then the benefit becomes long-lasting. Otherwise, you will judge yourself on your last accomplishment and will need to immediately start meandering toward another one. Take time to see where you have walked and let it become a part of you before you continue on your path.

Finally, Listen to how you maintain your confidence in yourself with or without success. When things go wrong or you miss an opportunity, what do you tell yourself that it means? What is the answer to eternal confidence? Being mindful of what you are feeling and thinking by using mindfulness techniques is the beginning of the journey. Opening your ability to be mindful in daily life changes the way you view events and brings about a real conscious life that is not measured by false visions of success.

And Always Use Mindfulness to lead to silence. The soul of confidence comes from the time you spend in a meditative state of silence, where you are in touch with your true self. This is where love and acceptance reside. The effort to set achievable goals, to understand the different types of success, to learn mindfulness, and finally, find of a period of silence, results in a place where confidence is true to who you already are, before you take any steps at all.

For a lifetime of confidence go to : 4 Sessions for Reaching Deep Relaxation

 

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Things to Avoid Saying to Your Child During a Divorce

Originally appeared in Fatherly July 2018 

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/divorce-things-to-never-say-to-children/

As a health, media and educational/child psychologist and former trainer for parents in Pittsburgh’s Divorce Education program, I was interviewed by “Fatherly” about things to never say to your kids during a divorce. The latest project around children and divorce is acting as a board member and contributor for a new film that will air on PBS in the fall about ways to help families navigate the storm of during divorce. I would offer the following key points:

1. Never say anything negative about the spouse. Too many parents do this and it is destructive because children are half of each parent, so when the parent is berated, the child feels berated, too. They may become defensive and protective of the criticized spouse, damaging the relationship with the criticizing parent. So don’t say “Your father is a deadbeat father,” or “Your mother is greedy and controlling.”

2. Do not share financial problems with your children. It’s okay to say that things have changed since the divorce and that spending on certain things may no longer be possible, but don’t burden them with adult issues concerning finances. Let them enjoy their childhood, and don’t tell them, ” I have to take your father/mother to court to get more money.”

3.“Men/Women are cheaters/liars/abusers” or any other generalization about the opposite sex that would cause a permanent negative image of the other gender. Children are watching you and listening to you and you don’t want them to repeat the same pattern in their future relationships.

4. Show the ability to forgive rather than carry a grudge that creates bitterness and pain. Statements such as, “I will never forgive him/her for what they did,” creates an atmosphere of long-term damage and hardship that blocks the way to a better future. It also suggests that traumatic events cannot be overcome

5. “I will never be the same,” indicates that there is no way back after divorce. The feeling of being a victim may be present and a parent may need help to get through the grief and pain. Yet, showing victimization may make the child take a stand with the victimized parent, or even against them, which is always harmful.

And remember the OneEmail campaign, a way to start every day with more happiness for yourself and for someone else! Learn more at: http://drnancyonline.com/one-email/

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THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO YOUR CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE

Originally appeared in Fatherly July 2018 

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/divorce-things-to-never-say-to-children/

As a health, media and educational/child psychologist and former trainer for parents in Pittsburgh’s Divorce Education program, I was interviewed by “Fatherly” about things to never say to your kids during a divorce. The latest project around children and divorce is acting as a board member and contributor for a new film that will air on PBS in the fall about ways to help families navigate the storm of during divorce. I would offer the following key points:

1. Never say anything negative about the spouse. Too many parents do this and it is destructive because children are half of each parent, so when the parent is berated, the child feels berated, too. They may become defensive and protective of the criticized spouse, damaging the relationship with the criticizing parent. So don’t say “Your father is a deadbeat father,” or “Your mother is greedy and controlling.”

2. Do not share financial problems with your children. It’s okay to say that things have changed since the divorce and that spending on certain things may no longer be possible, but don’t burden them with adult issues concerning finances. Let them enjoy their childhood, and don’t tell them, ” I have to take your father/mother to court to get more money.”

3.“Men/Women are cheaters/liars/abusers” or any other generalization about the opposite sex that would cause a permanent negative image of the other gender. Children are watching you and listening to you and you don’t want them to repeat the same pattern in their future relationships.

4. Show the ability to forgive rather than carry a grudge that creates bitterness and pain. Statements such as, “I will never forgive him/her for what they did,” creates an atmosphere of long-term damage and hardship that blocks the way to a better future. It also suggests that traumatic events cannot be overcome

5. “I will never be the same,” indicates that there is no way back after divorce. The feeling of being a victim may be present and a parent may need help to get through the grief and pain. Yet, showing victimization may make the child take a stand with the victimized parent, or even against them, which is always harmful.

And remember the OneEmail campaign, a way to start every day with more happiness for yourself and for someone else! Learn more at: http://drnancyonline.com/one-email/

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TOO MUCH SOCIAL MEDIA MAY HARM A WOMAN’S BODY IMAGE

Originally appeared on HealthDay.com May 2018

Too Much Social Media May Harm a Woman’s Body Image

And WebMD at: Social Media May Harm a Woman’s Body Image

WHY ARE THE EFFECTS OF MEDIA ON WOMEN’S SELF-IMAGE AND HEALTH SO DAMAGING?

Award-winning author, Dr. Nancy Mramor Kajuth

I was not surprised to learn, as a media expert, that a study at the University of South Wales showed that over an hour a day on social media can lead to increased body image issues for women, as health and media are so closely related. Why is this and what can you do about it?

First, there is a big picture here, and you will need to step back so that you can see it. Let me say that the effects of media on female body image go far beyond social media. For as long as media has existed, there have been movies, TV show, commercials, magazines, billboards and air-brushed photographs of perfect women by whom women and girls have set their standards. Eating disorders and body dysmorphia have been the result, as women have judged their worth by their weight. In my book Get Reel: Produce Your Own Life, I share how media has us in a trance and we are convinced by it. We believe and adopt the values that media share about appearance as real, when they are a manufactured, over exaggerated and impossible to match. Thus, the problem with body image in women. I have often said that if women could redirect all the energy that they have spent on their weight, they could change the world. But false presentations have been turned to beliefs, that in the minds of women, are real. And so there is very little questioning about the projected images. The false truth is that they must look the way that media images do, in order to be OK with themselves. This belief becomes a dogmatic position that is hard to shake.

ENTER SOCIAL MEDIA

We love our chances to connect with others, see photos we would never otherwise see, and make new friends, And when social media accomplishes these goals, it is at it’s best.

On the other hand, social media has become a way to put these false images right in your field of vision whether you opt for them or not. You can turn off a movie, close a magazine or consciously step back from a billboard, but not so with social media. If young women want to know what someone is doing today, or stay connected to their friends, they have to turn it on. The majority of Facebook profiles are enhanced and so what you see is rarely accurate, but the speed of movement of posts, pictures and comments can enter the conscious mind before you know it. Which is the chicken and which is the egg? Do insecure women seek validation through social media or does social media make them more insecure? Insecure women and girls may use social media to try to feel better about themselves yet using it may make them feel worse. In addition, because women have been taught that their worth is in their weight, they may decide that social media exclusion is a result of being less than perfect. Cyberbullying comes in many forms, and being left off of outings that are posted by those who have been included can be a deliberate act of social isolation. These acts are designed to be hurtful and to chip away at self-worth.

I am not saying that overcoming the effects of media is an easy road, but you start by being conscious:

Learning to view all media consciously, by stepping back and noticing what the image is trying to tell you and deciding whether or not it is true for you. It is the first and the main way out of social media influence. It takes a minute but it is worth every second of consideration.
Decide before going in, that the images and information you see are not reality. If they are real, for example, if someone posts pictures of an expensive vacation that you could not afford, remember that posts are often exaggerated. Many people post pictures of trips, romantic anniversary parties and days at the beach that were not really as exciting as they appear.
Know when something is affecting you and stop. Whether it is a chain of conversation, photos, videos or another form of social media, when you don’t feel good about it, stop. Notice how you feel, and whether you are having physical symptoms, such as a less than comfortable feeling in your stomach. Disengage with it and redirect yourself to something more positive. Turn off your devices and choose something in real life that validates your worth, whether it is family, physical activity, academia, real life relationships, work or something else. Staying in real time is always a way to stay connected to your real self.
Take social media vacations. Take hours or days away from social media contact. The power it had over you will start to fade and you will find out that you are just fine without so much of a good thing.

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WHAT IF THE NEXT EMAIL YOU SEND COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE?

What would it mean to you to be happier in just one to three minutes a day at no charge to you or anyone else that could not only make you but someone else happier?  If you could, would you want to start the day off in a way that creates a state of gratitude, a high level state of energy that brings you more of what makes you grateful? And would you be willing to send One Email of appreciation to someone today to kick-off their happiness?

Research shows that giving gratitude makes you happier, healthier, psychologically stronger, increases self-esteem, empathy and abundance, reduces aggression and opens the door wider in your relationships. When you start the day with One Email of gratitude and appreciation, you change the way you look at the world, reframing it more positively and letting yourself see opportunities for gratitude in your every moment, your health, abundance, happiness and your future. Before long, it will become a positive habit so that you wake up every day ready to be in a state of happiness and appreciation, ready to find someone or something to appreciate, that uplifts your whole life.

And all you have to do is send One Email, text message, phone call, greeting card or photo of appreciation to someone who makes a difference in your life. Include some words of appreciation and watch what happens! You will start noticing people and things to appreciate, creating a shift in your awareness from mental chatter toward conscious awareness of all of the good things in your life. And you can invite more people to your circle who will commit to One Email a day, expanding everyone’s happiness exponentially.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO START?  

Begin today and every day with One Email, text, call, photo, card, gift or form of appreciation
Follow Real Conscious Living on Facebook so that we can continue to send you tips on the One Email gratitude initiative.  You can also post the content of your email there so that your gratitude for one person is appreciated by many more people.
Tell us at Real Conscious Living how sending one-email has made a difference http://drnancyonline.com/contact/
When you post about someone, use the hashtag #OneEmail so that the generosity and gratitude spreads to as many people as possible.

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