Marcia Sirota's Blog, page 21

Are You Happy, Sad, Mad or Indifferent About This Year’s Christmas?

 

 

Once again, Christmas has come and gone. How did it go for you this year? Are you filled with happy memories of a joyful holiday season or are you sad that it’s all over? Are you perhaps bitter that Christmas didn’t go the way you were hoping, or are you feeling positively relieved that it’s all behind you?

As I discussed in my recent CBC radio interview, when it comes to Christmas, people feel all sorts of different ways. Where do you stand?

Some people look forward to Christmas and make the most of their time spent with friends and family. They come back from the holidays with a smile on their face and a spring in their step.

Some people are really excited in the lead-up to Christmas but if they have unrealistic expectations of what the holidays should bring and these expectations aren’t met their excitement can quickly turn into bitterness.

 

Some people dread the holidays for reasons of their own. Many of them are relieved when it’s all over, but for some, if this year they happened to have a good time over Christmas, they might start to feel differently about it in the future.

So, why do people have such different reactions to Christmas? It depends on their past experiences, their current situation in life, their religious beliefs and their system of values. And a lot depends on their expectations for the season.

A lot of people look forward to Christmas because they have happy memories from the past. If they come from a close-knit family and Christmas was a special time of the year, they’re likely to continue having positive feelings about Christmas for years to come unless, that us, something happens to change this.

Some people aren’t feeling that happy in their current lives but they have fond memories of past holiday seasons. Some of these people might start to see Christmas as this magical time of year that’s supposed to fix everything in their lives.

They develop overly-high expectations of the season and they put pressure on themselves and their loved ones to make it “perfect” to compensate for what’s not going well for them the rest of the year. This is almost always a recipe for disaster.

For example, someone might be not feeling fulfilled in their career and they’re waiting for a marriage proposal at Christmas to boost their flagging self-esteem. If it doesn’t happen – perhaps because their partner has other ideas for when and how they’d like to propose – this person might become so upset that they have a quiet tantrum and ruin Christmas for their partner and family alike.

 

Some people might have had bad experiences in past holiday seasons, either with difficult family members, or because of poverty or family hardships – and they might be afraid that this year, it’s going to be more of the same. Depending on how Christmas happened to go this year, they might be feeling relieved now or perhaps they’re looking forward to next year’s Christmas.

People who grew up in a dysfunctional family might dread the holidays because it reminds them of the arguments and disappointments of family Christmases in the past. But, if they’re able to create new, positive traditions with their family and friends today, it can transform their notion of Christmas from a stressful occasion to a happy time of the year.

Some people have experienced a past loss or tragedy that happened to coincide with the holiday season. If someone has lost a loved one, had their house robbed, or went through a painful divorce around Christmas, this could negatively color their feelings about all their future Christmases.

If things went particularly well over this year’s holidays, they might just start to be more optimistic about Christmas in the future. If they spent the holidays feeling miserable, though, Christmas will likely become a stark reminder of their loss and they could end up dreading the season for years to come.

Some people have a problem with the commercial aspects of Christmas. They’re aggravated by the decorations and the constant music in the stores, the jam-ups in shopping mall parking lots and the expectations of Secret Santa gift exchanges at work. They’re one group that feels great relief when the holiday season is behind them.

Some people aren’t excited about Christmas because they don’t participate in it. People from non-Christian religious groups can feel left out or uncomfortable during the holiday season, especially if they’re constantly being wished a “Merry Christmas.” They can feel relieved when it’s all over and things return to normal.

Of course, it’s different for everyone. When I was a kid, my Hindu friend’s parents would put up a tree every year and everyone would exchange presents. They celebrated Christmas as a secular family holiday. I also know several Jewish families who really get into celebrating Chanukah every year and who are totally indifferent to Christmas. Other Jewish families make a tradition of going out for Chinese food on Christmas eve.

So, maybe you’re basking in the warm fuzzies from another wonderful Christmas spent with family and friends or you’re feeling aggravated from having been cooped up for days with impossible relatives. Perhaps you’re frustrated that this Christmas your partner didn’t put a ring on it or maybe you’re super-relieved that the holiday circus is finally over. Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Christmas? When was that?” Whichever category you fall into, I’m sure you can agree that this is a very interesting and contradictory time of the year.

However your Christmas went, or if Christmas wasn’t even on your radar, I hope that the New Year brings you and your loved ones health, happiness and success and as always, plenty of opportunities for learning and growth.

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Click here for my online course on how to finally stop people-pleasing and learn to be kind, not nice.

20 Amazing Life Hacks for 2020

 

The new decade is upon us and I’m really looking forward to it. I love the sound of “2020.” It reminds me of 20-20 vision, in which we see things with perfect clarity.

There’s always talk about making resolutions as each New Year approaches, but resolutions are often superficial and unhelpful. Instead, I offer my list of 20 life hacks for 2020 to start the decade off right and create success, love and happiness this year and in the years to come.

My 20 life hacks for 2020:

Unpack your baggage. Deal with your issues so that you don’t bring past hurts and grievances into your present-day relationships. Process this baggage on your own or in therapy and don’t let your past wounds interfere with today’s goals.
Face the truth. Be realistic about yourself, other people and the world. Give up your denial, wishful thinking and hopeful fantasy and see what’s really there. That’s when you become empowered to deal with life most effectively.
Let go. Give up the dysfunctional attitudes, beliefs and habits that are holding you back from being your best self. You may need some professional help to do this but it’ll be totally worth it.
Manage your expectations. Be realistic about what you’re capable of and where your shortcomings lie, and do the same for others. Know your deal-breakers and what you can live with and don’t sweat the small stuff. This will prevent so much disappointment and frustration.
Trust your gut. Your intuition is infinitely more brilliant than your intellect. Listen to your inner voice of wisdom and do what it tells you. It will never steer you wrong.
Learn from your mistakes. Mistakes and failure are fantastic opportunities for insight and for growth. The truly successful person takes advantage of every opportunity to learn, change and do better.
Give up the notion of “perfection.” Perfection is impossible and unnecessary. In this new decade, it’s time to realize that being “good enough” is absolutely good enough.
Don’t settle for less. Every time you settle for less, you get less. Every time you hold out for more, you get more. This applies to work, living arrangements, your health, and most of all, to romance.
Take care of your body. Make sure you eat good food, get enough rest and exercise regularly. There can be no emotional well-being if you neglect your physical health.
Learn how to bounce back. Too many people these days get totally thrown off by minor problems. You need to learn how to be resilient and bounce back from challenges and disappointments. This is how you create your best life.
Learn how to say “No.” You are 100% entitled to set limits, reject unacceptable options and have strong boundaries. Anyone who objects to this clearly doesn’t have adequate respect for you. 
Practice patience and perseverance. Good things take time. Be patient and trust that if you keep doing what you’re supposed to do, you’ll arrive at your goal at the right time. It’s a sad fact that many people give up just before they’re about to reach their goal. Believe in yourself and in what you’re doing. Keep up the good work and success will be in your grasp.
Practice healthy skepticism. In this era of manipulated media, you can’t always believe what other people tell you or even what you see online. Question the people’s motivations and the possibility of ulterior motives. Take your time to build a solid base of trust in others. They need to earn it from you.
Don’t forget to play. Living your best life is about finding that optimal balance between work and play. Everyone needs joy, fun, creativity and exploration. Otherwise, it’s all drudgery. Figure out your way to play and go for it.
Be more open. Open your mind to all the different perspectives and open your heart to love. When you do this you’ll be making space within yourself and your life for so much more of what’s possible.
Stop objectifying yourself and others. Value yourself as a person, not a commodity. You’re here to be your best self; not to be used or exploited by others. Likewise, other people are here to be their best selves and not to be used or exploited by you. When we’re all just being our best, everyone wins.
Pursue meaning, not money. If you think that having more money will bring you what you truly need, you’re on the wrong track. The happiest, most fulfilled people live lives that they feel are meaningful. Enough money is necessary, but more money is not helpful. More meaning is.
Be kind, not nice. People-pleasing will never bring you love, happiness or success. Kindness, on the other hand, will bring you everything. If you don’t understand the difference between being kind and being nice, do the research.
Accept yourself. Love yourself for who you are without giving yourself a free pass to misbehave. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with giving yourself permission to be your worst self. Self-acceptance should always be associated with trying your very best.
Roll up your sleeves and do the work. All of the above life hacks will take some effort and some time, but they’re well worth it. You’re worth it. Hard work that’s focused on realistic, positive and meaningful goals will always pay off with huge dividends.

These are my 20 life-hacks for 2020. Try them on for size and see how much better your life can be, right now and in the New Year to come.

Sign up here for my free, monthly wellness newsletter. February is about creating great relationships and finding true love.

Click here for my online course on how to finally stop people-pleasing and learn to be kind, not nice.

It’s Almost 2020. What the $%@& Was Hallmark Channel Thinking?

It was extremely disappointing to read that the Hallmark Channel, citing “controversial” content, had pulled its ads for the online wedding site, Zola, featuring a same-sex couple getting married. Zola responded by pulling all of their ads from Hallmark rather than be subject to censorship.

It all started when a known anti-LGBTQ group called One Million Moms (part of the Christian-right American Family Association) protested against the depiction of a same-sex couple getting married in the Zola ad.

Hallmark immediately caved to this group’s pressure and in response, Zola’s chief marketing officer, Mike Chi, put out a statement saying that “all kisses, couples and marriages are equal celebrations of love and we will no longer be advertising on Hallmark.”

What’s heartening is that there was a huge public outcry against the Hallmark Channel. Celebrities like singer Chely Wright and comedian Ellen DeGeneres weighed in, as well as politicians including Pete Buttigieg and California’s Governor Gavin Newsom. Even Netflix chimed in with their support. Spotify offered to play the ads that Hallmark had rejected, decrying Hallmark’s decision.

GLAAD launched a #BoycottHallmarkChannel hashtag that had over 16,000 retweets as of December 14th.

And now, after the huge negative response to the Hallmark Channel’s actions, their CEO, Mike Perry, said that they “will be reaching out to Zola to reestablish our partnership and reinstate the commercials.”

A statement was released over the December 14th weekend saying that “The Crown Media team has been agonizing over this decision as we’ve seen the hurt it has unintentionally caused. Said simply, they believe this was the wrong decision. Our mission is rooted in helping all people connect, celebrate traditions and be inspired to capture meaningful moments in their lives. Anything that detracts from this purpose is not who we are. We are truly sorry for the hurt and disappointment this has caused. … Across our brand, we will continue to look for ways to be more inclusive and celebrate our differences.”

All of this hurt and conflict could have been avoided if the Hallmark Channel had acted with some integrity, rather than caving in to pressure from a group that has already shown its true colors when it asked for a boycott of Disney over a gay character, targeted Urban Outfitters over a same-sex kiss, and protested against Toy Story 4 for depicting a same-sex couple picking up their kid from school.

One Million Moms is considered a certified hate group, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, and they’re known to have a long history of exaggerating their membership numbers.

Mike Chi spoke on the E News Daily Pop show recently, saying that Zola had heard from “thousands of people” who were happy that they’d pulled their ads from the Hallmark Channel. He also said that Zola is running the same ads on “dozens of networks” and that “we haven’t gotten any pushback from any (of the other networks) and we were surprised when we got pushback from Hallmark.”

Chi reacted to Hallmark’s about face, saying that “we’re really relieved that they’ve changed course here…and that they’re trying to make things right.” He said that he’d “love to hear from them directly” to hear what they plan to do and that in the meantime, he can “empathize” with the people who want to boycott the channel. He added that “I personally love a good rom-com so I’m sad to miss out on those, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.”

It’s almost 2020 and same-sex marriage has been signed into law in Canada, the US and many other parts of the world.

Hallmark should get with the times. Also, they really should have thought twice before having such a knee-jerk reaction to a known hate group that targets even the subtlest depictions of LGBTQ people on-screen.

Hallmark has a big mess to clean up but like any mistakes we make as individuals, institutions or companies, there’s always an important opportunity to take a step back and contemplate the learning to be gained.

There are several important lessons that Hallmark as a company can take away from this.

 

If you preach love and connection, try not to be a hypocrite and cave to pressure from a hate group;


In 2020 inclusiveness always beats marginalization, and it’s absurd to view same sex-marriage as controversial;


Always think before you act in response to outside pressure. Consider who is pressuring you, and why. Consider why you’re even thinking of placating them. The fact is that the One Million Moms group is not and never has been an organization to be taken seriously, let alone placated;


In 2020, if you want to be a success in business, you simply can’t alienate people by being prejudiced, tone deaf or grossly insensitive.

As a final note, the delightful actor Meredith Baxter is a Hallmark Channel regular and she’s appearing in one of this season’s Hallmark Channel films, “Naughty or Nice,” with Hilarie Burton and Michael Gross.

It’s not surprising that we haven’t heard from Ms. Baxter about this controversy, but I do wonder what she’s going through, given that she is part of the LGBTQ community and got married to her long-time girlfriend, Nancy Locke, in 2013. What must it feel like to be in her shoes, right now?

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And click on this link to check out my latest online course, How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All!

Why It’s So Important To Be Self-Aware Over The Holidays

The holiday season comes with a lot of expectations. We’re supposed to be happy and social and surrounded by loved ones. We’re supposed to eat big meals, exchange gifts and make merry. But not everyone is up for all of this. A lot of people feel stressed this time of year, whether or not they’re looking forward to the festivities.

Stress makes it easier to lose sight of what’s good for us and it makes it harder to engage in self-care.

When we’re stressed we can get into some counter-productive coping strategies like overindulging in food and drink, escaping into drugs, staying up too late or having arguments with family members.

It’s important during the holiday season to be mindful and tuned in to our needs and feelings. Otherwise, when we’re thrown together with friends and family members and feeling pressured to buy the perfect gifts or cook the perfect meals it can spoil the season for us.

Staying self-aware over the holiday season requires a bit of effort but it’s not all that difficult. It starts with choosing to be mindful right now. It means tuning in to our feelings and our needs every day, and asking ourselves the most important question:

“How can I take the best care of myself in this moment?”

For extroverts, the holidays can be an exciting time, with all the opportunities to socialize, but there’s the risk of over-doing it and paying a price afterwards. We all know about that fun-loving colleague who got a bit too drunk at the holiday party and made a fool of themselves in front of the boss. What can an extrovert do to avoid getting carried away each year?

For introverts, the increased expectations of socializing can make the holidays that much more uncomfortable. We all have that one relative who self-medicates their social anxiety with alcohol or tranquilizers every holiday season. What can an introvert do over the holidays to stay calm and not turn to counter-productive coping strategies?

Being self-aware helps us to approach the holidays with our best foot forward, regardless of whether we look forward to the socializing or we’d rather be in our pajamas, watching Netflix and eating ice cream.

Being self-aware means understanding what we like and what we don’t like. If we tune in and understand that we’re an extrovert with a tendency to go overboard with the celebrating, we can pay attention to how much we drink at the holiday parties and avoid any post-party embarrassment.

If we tune in to ourselves and recognize that we’re more introverted and that holiday parties bring out our anxieties, we can carefully pick and choose the parties we’re going to attend, take some calming breaths before every social occasion, and stay for only as long as we’re still enjoying ourselves.

If you’re someone who tends to feel down over the holidays, either because you had bad holiday experiences in the past, because you tend to get depressed this time of year, or because you don’t celebrate Christmas and you feel left out of the fun, you can tune in to your feelings and needs and consider the different things you can do to make yourself feel better.

Hindus, Jews and other non-Christians decide to make their own family traditions, such as volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas day or going out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve. If you know what makes you happy and what makes you feel stressed, you’re empowered to avoid the most stressful parts of the holiday season and focus on the things that work best for you and your family.

If this time of year is a downer for you because you have depression associated with the season, or if the holidays happen to coincide with a painful divorce or a death in the family, self-awareness means recognizing that this time of year is hard for you and making the effort to really take care of yourself. This could include going for some counseling or therapy to help you get through the season.

The holidays bring family members together for extended periods of time and it can be unpleasant to spend hours with an alcoholic aunt or a snarky cousin, a creepy uncle or a one-upping sibling.

You might end up overeating to dull the pain or even get sucked into arguments that are best avoided.

When you take the time to tune in to your feelings and needs, you recognize how uncomfortable these relatives make you feel. You become empowered to opt for solutions that make things easier for you. For example, you can sit at the other end of the dinner table from that problematic relative and avoid getting drawn into fruitless discussions. Self-awareness makes it so much easier to cope.

Being self-aware is important all year round but it’s most especially important at the times of the year that bring you the most stress.

Even though for many people, the holidays are a happy time, there’s still a lot of added stress and there are still risks of losing your center and getting into trouble. Self-awareness will minimize these risks and make the season the best it can be for you and your loved ones.

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And click on this link to check out my latest online course, How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All!

The 10 Things You Should Never Do to Your Kids

As the New Year rolls around, it’s good to think about how you want to live your best life, come 2020. Maybe you’ll make a few resolutions. Maybe you’ll spend some time contemplating what’s most important to you and what you want to pursue in the coming year and the coming decade.

If you’re a parent, you might be contemplating the best way to raise your children. You probably already have some pretty clear ideas about how to grow happy, healthy, successful kids but like all good parents, you want to learn more so that you can do better by them.

The most important thing to know, going into the next year and the new decade, is that good parenting isn’t just about loving your kids. There are things you should do and things you shouldn’t do, if you want your kids to fulfill their greatest potential.

Obviously, children need to feel loved, appreciated and protected. They also need guidance and boundaries in order to learn good values and appropriate behavior. They need to learn how to take responsibility for themselves, bounce back from adversity and deal with the consequences of their choices.

Knowing all of this makes it easier to understand what would be the most damaging things parents could do to their children. If you want to be the best parent you could be, you might want to memorize this list of what never to do to your kids.

Do not ever:


neglect them, because that would make them feel unlovable;


fail to protect them, because that would make them feel worthless;


abuse them because that would fill them with shame and self-blame;


abandon them, because that would make it impossible for them to learn how to handle themselves in the world;


over-protect them because that would make them anxious, overwhelmed and incapable of taking care of themselves;


do too much for them because that would prevent them from ever developing competence or confidence;


reward every behavior and cushion every fall because then they’d grow up over-entitled or with a selfishly distorted idea of how life works;


violate their boundaries because that would fill them with confusion and self-loathing;


give them mixed messages because that would make them start to feel crazy;


teach them to hate because that would make them forever angry, alienated and miserable.

Children are the world’s future. We need to cherish them and foster their development so that they can grow up to be and do their very best. That’s why the above list should be memorized by every parent and parent-to-be.

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And click on this link to check out my latest online course, How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All!

The Problem With Making Assumptions Over the Holiday Season

Canada is a multi-cultural, multi-lingual, multi-religion country and yet each year, when December rolls around, loads of people start wishing each-other a “Merry Christmas.” I have no complaints about the kind thoughts, but I do have a problem with the underlying assumptions.

There are many people in Canada who don’t celebrate Christmas. Only 60% of the country identify as Christians. The other 40% may not participate in the festivities each year, and yet more often than not, people assume that they do.

People make assumptions about each other based on stereotypical and superficial things. I recently watched a YouTube video of people trying to guess the sexual orientation of someone else. The majority of the ones guessing were wrong, regardless of whether the guessers were gay or straight.

The same goes for guessing another person’s religious affiliation. I remember watching the movie, Malcolm X, and noted the scene where he travels to Mecca. The Muslim people making their pilgrimage were of every ethnic group under the sun. It was clear to me then that you can’t assume who is or isn’t Muslim.

I remember in grade school that one of my classmates was a blonde, blue-eyed Jewish girl. Her last name was Cohen. I’ve also known Jewish people with names like Harris, Miller and Smith. Another Jewish girl I knew when I was in college had Irish first and middle names. It has become clear to me that you can’t assume who is or isn’t Jewish.

I work with someone of Goan descent. Goa is a part of India that was occupied by the Portuguese, so the people from this area are practicing Catholics. Just because someone is of Indian descent, you can’t assume that they’re not Christian.

Many people are born into one religion and then convert to another. Someone by the name of Rosenblum might be a Born-Again Christian. I know a French-Canadian woman who converted to Judaism for the purposes of marriage. I know a Chinese kid whose last name is Lilienthal.

There are Chinese Jews and Black Jews and Brown Jews. There are blonde, blue-eyed Muslims. We get into trouble when we pigeon-hole people by how they look or by how their last name sounds.

We make assumptions about other people all the time. We guess at their religion, their political affiliation and their sexual orientation. We make assumptions about their social and financial status.

I remember being at the airport one day and noticing a young man who was so scruffily attired and shabbily groomed that he could have been a homeless person. I knew he wasn’t homeless because he was about to board a plane, but I played a little game in my head that I called “hipster or homeless.”

The “deciding” factor for me was not whether there was dirt under the young man’s fingernails or grease in his uncombed hair, but the presence of three little bracelets on his left wrist. “Hipster,” I decided, chuckling to myself. Perhaps if I’d seen him walking down the street, it might not have been so easy for me to come to the conclusion that I did.

The point of this is that we jump to conclusions about people without even realizing that we do. We also don’t realize that we’re at risk of offending someone when we make these assumptions about them.

The holiday season is supposed to be about good-will and inclusiveness. So, when December rolls around, it might be prudent to switch our greetings from “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays.” This way, we get to spread the good cheer without inadvertently making anyone else feel uncomfortable.

Sign up here for my free, monthly newsletter. January is all about creating real and lasting happiness.

And click on this link to check out my latest online course, How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All!

3 relationship killers guaranteed to ruin a new romance (Video)

When you’re trying to make a new romantic connection, there are a few behaviors that you should be aware of, because they’re guaranteed relationship killers, at least if you’re looking to connect with a well-adjusted, caring person. Watch my video for the three relationship killers you really want to avoid early-on. Subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

The 5 Mental Habits Guaranteed to Bring You Happiness

We all want happiness and we think that it’s so hard to come by but really, it’s not. It’s just that we’ve been looking for it in all the wrong places. We think that we’ll be happier if we have more money, power, fame or influence. We think we’ll be happier if we’re richer, more attractive, or if we have nicer stuff. None of this is true. Of course, we need a certain amount of money in order to be secure, but it’s been proven that more money can’t bring us more happiness.

Happiness doesn’t come from superficial or material things. It comes from a deep connection to others and from a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives. Happiness comes when we’re free of psychological suffering and addiction. Without these things, it doesn’t matter how fancy our house is or how Insta-famous we are.

But if we understand that we’ve been going after happiness in all the wrong ways, how do we change directions so that happiness is possible? Looking around, loads of people are promoting “the way” to find happiness, but it seems like are less and less happy. I think that this is because of two things – 1: Many of those who are selling happiness are selling us a scam; and 2: Happiness takes work, and a lot of us are unwilling to do the work.

There is a real way to find happiness. No lie, no scam. It does require some work. But if you do the work, happiness is pretty much guaranteed. I’d call that a fair deal.

These are the 5 mental habits guaranteed to transform your life and make you truly happy:

1. Conscious Awareness: I call it being fully present in the moment and sadly, it’s not that common. Many of us walk around in a state of denial or wishful thinking. We wish for things and then believe that our wishes are going to come true. That’s called magical thinking and it’s dangerous, because when we’re not grounded in reality we have no power to take action and to make real changes in our relationships, or jobs or our wellness. Being in denial takes away our power and leaves us passive and helpless. This is no way to be happy.

We need to wake up and really see what’s going on inside us and around us. We have to stop telling ourselves that the pain in our chest is “nothing,” or that our partner’s abusive behavior is not that bad or that our boss isn’t an unreasonable micromanager.

When we face the truth we become empowered to deal with whatever is going on. When we live in denial, we can’t deal directly with problems, so we never gain confidence in our abilities to cope and this makes it easier to stay in denial. On the other hand, the more we face the truth and deal with what’s going on, the more confident we become, and the easier it is to stay present.

2. Personal Responsibility: Many of us like to blame others for our problems. We tell ourselves that it’s our partner’s fault when our relationship falls apart, or that our bad boss or undermining colleague made us lose our job. But this attitude makes it impossible for anything to get better.

When we blame external forces for our unhappiness, we aren’t able to improve our lives. On the other hand, when we take responsibility for the choices that we’ve been making we have the chance to learn from our mistakes and to adjust our behavior accordingly. The more responsibility we take, the more empowered we are to fix the problems in our lives.

3. Self-Compassion: In order to be aware and to take responsibility, we need self-compassion. It can be painful to face the fact that we’ve chosen an abusive partner or that we’ve gotten into some bad habits with real-world consequences. We might feel a lot of guilt or shame for these choices. We might become anxious or depressed when facing the truth.

The way to avoid feeling so bad is to practice self-compassion. This involves being gentle with ourselves and not beating ourselves up for what we see, but rather, rewarding ourselves for seeing the truth because this is the first step to a happier life.

Self-compassion also means forgiving ourselves for the bad choices we’ve made. Instead of rubbing our noses in these choices, we can be kind and understanding and we can put into perspective the mistakes that we’ve made. This forgiveness allows us to see these mistakes with greater clarity so we can stop making them.

4. Mental Flexibility: Fear is a big part of life and one common response to fear is mental rigidity, in which we’re unable to shift our perspective or change our mind about things. Mental rigidity makes it impossible for us to change. If we can’t see that something might not be exactly the way we thought it was and then adjust our ideas of it, or if we can’t let go of an attitude or belief that isn’t serving us, we become trapped in a mental prison of our own making.

Mental rigidity creates a lot of unnecessary unhappiness. With mental flexibility we’re free to change our ideas, attitudes, beliefs, habits and relationships for the better.

5. Compassion for Others: Some people think that being selfish and exploitative is the way to go, because they’ve “got to look out for number one.” Some people believe that caring about others and helping others somehow takes away from themselves. That’s just not true.

Probably the number one bringer of joy in our life is meaningful connections with others. If we’re selfish and we’re using people, we don’t benefit from the interactions because they’re empty and meaningless. Numerous studies have shown that being kind and generous bring us far more happiness than being selfish or insensitive. When we care about others, our heart expands and happiness rushes in.

Now that you’ve learned about these five mental habits, you can see that you can transform your life and become really and truly happy. Of course, it will take some work, but it’s a no-brainer. You’ll have a guaranteed return on your investment of time and energy. So, what’s stopping you from trying these habits today?

Sign up here for my free, monthly newsletter. December is all about the very different ways that people feel about Christmas and the holiday season.

And click on this link to check out my latest online course, How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All!

Three Behaviors Guaranteed to Kill a Budding Relationship

When you’re trying to make a new romantic connection, there are a few behaviors that you should be aware of, because they’re guaranteed relationship killers, at least if you’re looking to connect with a well-adjusted, caring person. You might attract some troubled, difficult people with these behaviors, but then you’re just setting yourself up for unnecessary suffering.

These are the three relationship killers you really want to avoid early-on:

1. Being desperate. Desperation is associated with two problems. The first problem is that it makes you come across as needy. Reasonably well-adjusted people don’t like to see someone being so obviously needy right in front of them. It’s uncomfortable and awkward and a big turn-off to a potential romantic partner.

Also, when you’re desperate, the other person wonders whether you’re actually interested in them or you’re just desperate to connect with anyone. Your desperation makes the other person feel like they’re not special to you and that in your desperation, any old partner would do.

2. Being too intense. Reasonably well-adjusted people become uncomfortable when you come on too strong. This is because people who are psychologically healthy often prefer to start things off in an easy-going manner and then let the passion and emotional investment build over time. This allows both people to gradually get to know each-other and develop a natural intimacy. For well-adjusted people, too much intensity at the start feels like too much, too soon.

Another thing to realize is that it takes a lot of energy to deal with someone else’s intensity. You don’t want to be tiring someone out before you’ve even started the relationship. They might think that it’s not worth that much effort so early on, and then you’ll both miss out.

3. Being too generic. If the new person you’re dating asks you what kind of restaurant you want to go to or what movie you want to see and you say, “whatever you want,” they’ll have no idea who you are. Having passions, preferences and opinions will tell the other person who you are and if they’re a caring person they’ll want to get to know you.

There’s always the risk that the other person will disapprove of some of the things you like or disagree with some of the things you believe in, but at least you’ll find out quickly that you’re incompatible. On the other hand, it’s guaranteed that a caring person won’t want to be with you if you’re a completely blank canvas. This type of person is looking for someone who they can connect with on different levels. If you’re so generic that they have no idea who you are, no connection is possible.

Of course, these aren’t the only things that will kill a budding relationship, but these are three things that you can pay attention to right now and if you stop them, your chances of relationship success will go way up.

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Now That The Election is Over, Why Are Canadians Feeling So Stressed?

The Canadian election has come and gone. It was a whirlwind event with the election being called a mere 6 weeks before we were supposed to head to the polls.

And now that the Liberals have returned to power in a minority government, people across Canada are experiencing very strong and very mixed emotions.

Those who didn’t want the Liberals to be re-elected are feeling angry and disenfranchised. Those who did want the Liberals back in power are feeling nervous that the government might not stand.

The emotional temperature in Canada is running high and some friends and family members are at odds with one-another. If one person voted Liberal and the other voted Conservative, there can be a lot of tension between them because often in these cases, both people are convinced that they’re right and the other person is wrong.

These days, politics can be a very charged subject. The stakes have never been so high. Whatever side of the political spectrum you’re on, elections can be extremely divisive and extremely anxiety-provoking.

People are powerfully invested in their own agendas, whether it’s those in Alberta and Saskatchewan who chose not to vote in a single Liberal candidate, or those in Ontario who painted the province red in protest against the policies of Doug Ford, the recently-elected premier.

The new minority government in Canada can become a source of stress for many. Conservatives are frustrated, as their party won the popular vote but lost the election. For those who vote NDP, it’s probably quite aggravating, because it appears that strategic voting took place, robbing this party of possibly 10 parliamentary seats.

For Liberals it’s frightening, because they aren’t sure whether the new government will be able to enact the policies that are so important to them. It seems that the only ones who are happy are the people of Quebec who gave the Bloc Quebecois an impressive 34 seats and a strong voice for that province.

These days the issues are more highly charged than ever before. Those who are concerned about climate change were desperate to see a party with a progressive agenda take power, in order to address this critical issue. Those in the west who are concerned about the economy and jobs were desperate to have a party in power that would prioritize these issues.

Right now, other than those who voted for the Bloc, few Canadians can relax and feel confident that the things they want will come to pass. The Liberal government is going to have to join forces with the other parties on each important issue, or they’ll face another election with most likely, a very different outcome.

In the United States, hundreds of thousands of people are experiencing serious mental health problems because of what’s going on in their political system. I’m really hoping that Canadians don’t start suffering from politics-based anxiety.

All us Canadians can do is wait and hope, and take a few deep breaths. The rest is up to the people who we elected. If anyone is inclined to prayer, now might be an appropriate time to put in a good word for our country.

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