Marcia Sirota's Blog, page 19

Covid-19: a Life-Lesson on Accepting Uncertainty and Giving Up Control

Canada is reeling over Covid-19

Right now, in the midst of the global pandemic, people around the world are feeling frightened, helpless and out of control. We have no idea what’s coming, whether on a personal, familial, economic or societal level. Here in Canada, this is a relatively new and unpleasant experience for most of us.

In our well-to-do first world country that prides itself on a robust social welfare system, many of us assume that life here includes a good measure of stability, predictability and security. Now that Covid-19 has arrived, all of those things are very much in question. We had convinced ourselves that we had control over our lives and we’re upset that this no longer seems possible.

In fact, Covid-19 is offering everyone in the more privileged parts of the world to recognize that instability, insecurity and unpredictability are the norm in human life, not the exception. Those of us living in the first world have been holding on to a false sense of security and an illusion of control.

Most people live with constant uncertainty

Most people around the planet live with varying degrees of insecurity; whether with regard to food, housing, clean water or personal safety. Even in the first world, many children and spouses live in violent homes, not knowing when the next assault is coming. Many Canadians in First Nations communities live a third-world existence in a first world country.

The truth is that we human beings have never had control over anything in our lives and our security has always been relative. We’ve been telling ourselves a pretty lie about life, in order to reassure ourselves that things are more predictable than they seem. This pretty lie can be a dangerous one, though, because it fails to prepare us for the inevitable difficulties that everyone must face.

We’ve all heard the stories of the person who had an illness that wiped out all their savings or the one who made a bad investment and lost everything; we’ve heard about the person who bought a house that ended up being a money pit, or about the person who lost everything in the divorce. From one moment to the next, these individuals went from supposedly secure to extremely insecure, and it can happen to any of us at any time.

We’ve also heard the story of someone who was healthy one day and the next day had a stomach ache that turned out to be terminal cancer. We’ve heard the story of someone who was in a car accident on the way to the grocery store and was never able to work again.

We remember the actor, Christopher Reeve, who fell from his polo pony and suddenly was quadriplegic. We remember Phillip Seymour Hoffman who died of an accidental heroin overdose at the peak of his career. We’ve grieved the many shootings that have killed countless children and adults in the US and Canada over the past few years.  And of course, there was the horror of 9/11. Sudden, shocking change is the norm, not the exception, but still, we continue to tell ourselves that life is stable and straightforward.

Change is real; control is an illusion

Change is the nature of reality. Everything is always in flux and if we don’t accept this, we risk being totally overwhelmed when we’re finally faced with our own personal version of sudden, shocking change. Covid-19 is teaching us an important life truth and we’d all do well to heed it. We need to give up our illusion of control and security and accept that reality is a lot more unpredictable than we’d like.

It’s also clearer than ever now that money, power and position won’t protect anyone from life’s difficulties, and especially not from falling ill with Covid-19. Movie stars and athletes have it. Even Charles, the Prince of Wales, just tested positive. No-one is immune. This should be ample evidence that life is never completely safe or secure, no matter who or where we are.

Some people will say that it’s a terrifying prospect to accept the uncertainty and instability of life. They might call this fear-mongering, but that’s far from the truth. In fact, when we accept that life is not as comfortable and controllable as we wish, we become empowered to deal more effectively with every difficulty we might face.

Pretending to ourselves that it’s all going to be fine can be a dangerous delusion. It’s like the kids running around on the beach in Miami during the pandemic who believe that nothing can happen to them. They’re in for a huge shock when they pass on the virus to their parents or grandparents and their family members start getting sick or even dying.

Holding on to control promotes anxiety and ill-health

When we maintain the illusion of control, we become extremely anxious whenever we can’t be in control. Right now, many people are more anxious than necessary because they’re holding tight to the belief that control is possible, and this anxiety leads to stress that paradoxically, weakens our immune system.

Letting go of the notion of control can alleviate a considerable amount of our anxiety and will promote better emotional and physical well-being.

We can’t ever be in control but what we can always do is be prepared. We can be fully present in each moment, seeing what’s actually in front of us. We can connect to our feelings and needs, which will guide us to the most appropriate actions. In this way, we’ll gain the confidence and self-trust that will support us in these ever more uncertain times.

We can take the opportunity right now to acknowledge a larger truth; that life is always uncertain and uncontrollable. We can never really know what’s around the next corner, and we can’t prevent it from coming. Covid-19 has clearly demonstrated this. We also need to give up our fantasy that living in a first-world country will protect us from harm.

Facing this truth will be better, ultimately, for our emotional and physical well-being and it will prepare us to meet whatever challenges arise in our lives, now and in the future.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is a special issue on Coping with Covid.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

Why social distancing and being alone is so hard

The Stats Don’t Lie:

Today in Canada, the most valuable public health tool we have for fighting Covid-19 is social distancing. This is so important because the statistics demonstrate that every person infected with the virus is likely to infect 2.5 other people.

If each of these 2.5 other people infect 2.5 people, and if everyone in this group, in turn, spreads it to 2.5 other people, now we’re up to 62.5 people. If these 62.5 people each infect 2.5 people, we’re up to 156 people, and then it jumps to 390 people, and then we’re at 975 people and then we’re up to 2400 people, and then 6,100 people and then we’re at over 15,000 people, and then 38,000 people, and then it has infected 95,000 people. And that started with just one infected person.

These numbers conform to what’s been going on in China (over 80,000 cases) and in Italy (close to 60,000 cases), and it’s what’s likely to happen in the US as well, due to a delay in mobilizing the public health response.

Social Distancing is Necessary, but Difficult:

It’s crystal clear that social distancing is absolutely necessary. Still it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to do. Human beings are social creatures and we thrive through our social connections. What happens to us when we stay home and aren’t able to interact with all the people we’re used to spending time with?

Social distancing can affect different people in different ways. For those who live on their own it can be especially lonely to stay at home and not go out. It can be painful to have to stay six feet away from everyone at all times.

For people who live with friends or family it can be an opportunity for bonding or, because everyone is so stressed, it can be a time when conflicts arise. From the constant proximity to family members, old grievances could resurface and arguments could break out.

For parents stuck at home with restless children, it can be a real challenge trying to keep them in good spirits. Parents have to cope not only with their own anxiety but with that of their kids. These parents must prioritize their own mental well-being, if only to be able to be there for their kids.

Introverts and Extroverts Struggle with Social Distancing:

For extroverts who thrive on social connections, social distancing can be especially uncomfortable. These individuals recharge their emotional batteries through frequent contact with others. When they’re deprived of this contact, it can be downright painful. these individuals need to use social media and FaceTime, Skype or their phones to stay regularly connected with their circle of acquaintances.

For introverts who are more comfortable spending time alone, social distancing can be to some extent, more easily endured, but even introverts get lonely. Despite their tolerance for long stretches of alone-time, introverts also need close human contact and it can be just as hard for them to be cooped up for long stretches at home. These people need to reach out – virtually – to their friends and loved ones and ask for the emotional support and reassurance they need.

Some People are Introspective. Some Are Not:

Some people have a lot of trouble spending time alone. They’re uncomfortable looking at themselves, tuning into their emotions, or thinking about the choices they’ve made in their lives. For these individuals, social distancing can be particularly difficult. These individuals have to find the strength to face themselves and their emotions, or this lengthy period of social distancing will become unbearable to them.

Some people are more introspective. They’ve developed the habit of looking inward and contemplating their thoughts, their feelings and their lives. For them, social distancing is an opportunity to reflect and to grow. These people are no less unhappy about the lack of social contact but they’re making the best of the situation and using the quiet time to build their self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

Some enterprising individuals are using the alone-time finish all the projects that they’ve been meaning to get to and haven’t for so long. The novel that’s been languishing unfinished for years; the art project that’s still incomplete, the correspondence that they’ve been putting off – all of these can be attended to now, and they’ll bring with them a sense of much-needed purpose and fulfillment.

We Can All Tap in to Our Inner Resources:

These are incredibly difficult times, but in such moments we all have opportunities to tap in to our resilience and to grow as individuals. We can let the loneliness and uncertainty break us or we can dig deep and discover the inner resources we never thought we had.

We can use this time to deepen our bonds with the people at home, whether they’re our spouse, our children or our room-mates. We can connect remotely to our friends and loved ones and offer each-other love and support, and we can take this opportunity for reflection and make the best of it.

Choosing to ignore the public health pleas for social distancing is not an option. If we don’t want to end up like China, Italy or Iran we need to do everything we can, right now, to minimize the impact of Covid-19 on our medical system and our economy. It’s bad now, but without social distancing it could get infinitely worse.

Stay home, stay safe, and stay tuned for more updates from the Ruthless Compassion Institute.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is a special issue on Coping with Covid.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

Tips for Coping With the Emotional Impact of Social Distancing

The Stats Don’t Lie:

Today in Canada, the most valuable public health tool we have for fighting Covid-19 is social distancing. This is so important because the statistics demonstrate that every person infected with the virus is likely to infect 2.5 other people.

If each of these 2.5 other people infect 2.5 people, and if everyone in this group, in turn, spreads it to 2.5 other people, now we’re up to 62.5 people. If these 62.5 people each infect 2.5 people, we’re up to 156 people, and then it jumps to 390 people, and then we’re at 975 people and then we’re up to 2400 people, and then 6,100 people and then we’re at over 15,000 people, and then 38,000 people, and then it has infected 95,000 people. And that started with just one infected person.

These numbers conform to what’s been going on in China (over 80,000 cases) and in Italy (close to 60,000 cases), and it’s what’s likely to happen in the US as well, due to a delay in mobilizing the public health response.

Social Distancing is Necessary, but Difficult:

It’s crystal clear that social distancing is absolutely necessary. Still it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to do. Human beings are social creatures and we thrive through our social connections. What happens to us when we stay home and aren’t able to interact with all the people we’re used to spending time with?

Social distancing can affect different people in different ways. For those who live on their own it can be especially lonely to stay at home and not go out. It can be painful to have to stay six feet away from everyone at all times.

For people who live with friends or family it can be an opportunity for bonding or, because everyone is so stressed, it can be a time when conflicts arise. From the constant proximity to family members, old grievances could resurface and arguments could break out.

For parents stuck at home with restless children, it can be a real challenge trying to keep them in good spirits. Parents have to cope not only with their own anxiety but with that of their kids. These parents must prioritize their own mental well-being, if only to be able to be there for their kids.

Introverts and Extroverts Struggle with Social Distancing:

For extroverts who thrive on social connections, social distancing can be especially uncomfortable. These individuals recharge their emotional batteries through frequent contact with others. When they’re deprived of this contact, it can be downright painful. these individuals need to use social media and FaceTime, Skype or their phones to stay regularly connected with their circle of acquaintances.

For introverts who are more comfortable spending time alone, social distancing can be to some extent, more easily endured, but even introverts get lonely. Despite their tolerance for long stretches of alone-time, introverts also need close human contact and it can be just as hard for them to be cooped up for long stretches at home. These people need to reach out – virtually – to their friends and loved ones and ask for the emotional support and reassurance they need.

Some People are Introspective. Some Are Not:

Some people have a lot of trouble spending time alone. They’re uncomfortable looking at themselves, tuning into their emotions, or thinking about the choices they’ve made in their lives. For these individuals, social distancing can be particularly difficult. These individuals have to find the strength to face themselves and their emotions, or this lengthy period of social distancing will become unbearable to them.

Some people are more introspective. They’ve developed the habit of looking inward and contemplating their thoughts, their feelings and their lives. For them, social distancing is an opportunity to reflect and to grow. These people are no less unhappy about the lack of social contact but they’re making the best of the situation and using the quiet time to build their self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

Some enterprising individuals are using the alone-time finish all the projects that they’ve been meaning to get to and haven’t for so long. The novel that’s been languishing unfinished for years; the art project that’s still incomplete, the correspondence that they’ve been putting off – all of these can be attended to now, and they’ll bring with them a sense of much-needed purpose and fulfillment.

We Can All Tap in to Our Inner Resources:

These are incredibly difficult times, but in such moments we all have opportunities to tap in to our resilience and to grow as individuals. We can let the loneliness and uncertainty break us or we can dig deep and discover the inner resources we never thought we had.

We can use this time to deepen our bonds with the people at home, whether they’re our spouse, our children or our room-mates. We can connect remotely to our friends and loved ones and offer each-other love and support, and we can take this opportunity for reflection and make the best of it.

Choosing to ignore the public health pleas for social distancing is not an option. If we don’t want to end up like China, Italy or Iran we need to do everything we can, right now, to minimize the impact of Covid-19 on our medical system and our economy. It’s bad now, but without social distancing it could get infinitely worse.

Stay home, stay safe, and stay tuned for more updates from the Ruthless Compassion Institute.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is a special issue on Coping with Covid.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

International Day of Happiness: The Need for Kindness in the Time of Coronavirus

Choosing happiness during a pandemic

International Day of Happiness is here on March 20th and the timing is interesting, as it arrives right in the middle of a global coronavirus pandemic. As people across the world scramble to figure out their new normal – at least for the time being – happiness is probably the furthest thing from their minds. But I don’t think that it should be, and I’ll explain why.

Happiness is good for our health. Feeling happy supports our immune system and helps us to fight disease. It’s important, then, to know what will bring us real happiness, so that we don’t waste our time and energy pursuing things that are empty promises.

Many people believe that happiness comes from having everything we want and by avoiding all the things we don’t want. This formula is supposed to create happiness. With our new reality of living with covid-19, happiness would therefore be impossible. Fortunately this formula for happiness is wrong.

Happiness comes from giving, not having

To me, happiness comes from living an authentic life in which we’re free to be our best selves and to follow our dreams. It comes from having close connections with others; from pursuing meaning and purpose over materialism and popularity, and most of all it comes from giving, rather than having.

The happiest people aren’t the richest, most famous, most loaded-down with possessions; they’re the ones who feel like their lives make sense and who are deeply fulfilled. They’re the ones who feel powerfully interconnected with others and who are filled with compassion. The happiest people are the ones who are kind, generous and altruistic.

We’re living in frightening times. Many people around the world have fallen ill and many have already died from the novel coronavirus. It’s likely that many more will succumb to the disease before things stabilize. Some people are falling into unnecessary panic and some are in dangerous denial. Neither of these attitudes is helpful but it’s understandable, with the uncertainty of the situation making things difficult for everyone.

Acts of kindness generate more happiness

Still, in the middle of the pandemic, we’ve been hearing all sorts of stories about acts of kindness. People are bringing food to elderly neighbors; they’re walking dogs for sick friends; they’re providing supplies for people who can’t afford them. These stories are inspiring, but what I want to underscore is that everyone who’s engaging in such an act of kindness is also creating more happiness for themselves.

Obviously, we don’t help others for selfish purposes. No-one goes around being helpful in anticipation of an emotional pay-off. We help others because we feel compelled to do it by a sense of responsibility and our feelings of compassion. Nevertheless, kindness is rewarding. The more we care and the more we share, the happier we’ll be. It just works that way.

There will be many opportunities to be kind and giving during this pandemic, but no-one has to do it all. And it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture either. It can be as simple as calling someone on the phone so that they feel a bit less isolated, or making sure that an elderly or infirm neighbor has enough supplies.

It feels good to do good

It feels good to do good deeds. And when we’re anxious about the unknown and we feel helpless in the face of this new viral threat, taking some sort of positive action is likely to alleviate our stress. It’s reassuring to know that there are concrete things that we can do to make life a bit easier for those around us and to lift our mood.

If a happy life is one filled with meaning and purpose, kindness and compassion, it can be said that being there for others will bring us the happiness we’re so desperate for in these uncertain times. And, because happiness is good for our emotional and physical well-being, engaging in acts of kindness is a win-win.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

7 tips to reduce your anxiety over the Coronavirus Pandemic (and maintain good health)

Covid-19 anxiety is going viral:

The world is reeling from the effects of the outbreak of Novel Coronavirus, now known as Covid-19. Here in Canada, we’re perhaps at a slight advantage after dealing with the SARS crisis in 2003. We learned a lot at the time and I think that we’re being proactive to help curb the spread of infection.

Meanwhile, I’m seeing a lot of very anxious people. Some of my patients have admitted that they’ve been “obsessing” about Covid-19 and that it’s been keeping them up at night. I’ll leave it to the public health departments to inform us about the measures we should be taking to protect our physical health but I do have some suggestions for how to protect our mental well-being during such a frightening time.

Anxiety is the most common mental health disorder. It affects 18% of the population in the US. In Canada, the most recent statistics show that it affects close to 9% of the population. It isn’t surprising that in times of stress, a person who has underlying anxiety would find their condition worsening, but even people who don’t suffer from anxiety could become anxious during a global pandemic.

Anxiety comes from feeling out of control:

Anxiety is created – or worsened – when people feel helpless or out of control and when they lack essential information. In this rapidly-changing scenario it’s difficult to know what’s going on with Covid-19 from moment to moment. Every day we wake up and the numbers are changing. First it was China where cases were surging. Now it’s Iran and Italy. Tomorrow it could be somewhere else.

Because testing has been so limited, we don’t really know how many people are infected. We’re unsure of the death rate and it’s unclear how at risk we are of becoming seriously ill with the virus. All of this uncertainty can fill us with fear.

Anxiety makes us sick:

Anxiety is bad for our health. It can predispose us to gastrointestinal disorders, respiratory disorders, heart disease, a weakened immune system and even increased susceptibility to viral infections. Worrying about Covid-19 could actually make us more likely to catch it.

So how can we quell our mounting levels of anxiety? Here are my 7 tips:

Follow the public health guidelines. Knowing that there are concrete steps you can take and then taking them will help you to protect both your physical and your emotional well-being. Stay at home as much as possible to avoid exposure, practice social distancing when you’re away from home, wash your hands properly and frequently and be reassured that you’re doing everything you can to take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Let go of the notion of control. We feel so out of control at a time like this but when we really look at it, control is something that we never have. We can’t control the weather, our bodies, other people, or sadly, the global spread of infection. All we can do is make choices, but these choices matter a lot. If we make good choices we’re likely to be safer and saner than if we freak out.
Don’t panic. When we panic we’re likely to do foolish things. The other day I heard that the police had been called out to a grocery store in the town of Belleville, Ontario. People were emptying the shelves of products and when there was nothing left they started stealing items out of other people’s shopping carts. The police had to come in and break things up. Meanwhile, all that pushing and grabbing could have potentially exposed many more people to the disease.
Get enough sleep. When you’re anxious, it can adversely affect your sleep, but a lack of sleep can make you feel more anxious. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep, as sleep supports your immune system and your emotional well-being. Practice good sleep hygiene and try not to become over-stimulated – by checking the news, for example – just before bed.
Be informed but not compulsive. It’s important to know what’s going on but the compulsive consumption of upsetting information can make you more anxious and distressed. Know when to step away from the TV, your phone or the computer screen. Know when to take a break from talking about Covid-19 with your friends. Carve out some down time to give your mind some peace.
Practice mental health self-care. This is a good time to meditate, do some yoga and breathing exercises, drink herbal teas and read a nice uplifting book – anything that will help you to decompress. When times are frightening, it’s essential to find a balance by doing things that will help you calm us down.
Remember that there’s no benefit to worrying. When we worry we don’t prevent anything bad from happening; we don’t prepare ourselves for anything – because we can’t actually predict what’s coming; we don’t protect ourselves from anything – because worrying actually makes us more vulnerable to becoming ill; and moreover, by worrying we end up feeling just as bad as if the thing we feared had already happened to us. Worrying clearly causes us more harm than good.

It’s time to stay calm:

In these uncertain times, we need to do our best to stay calm so that we’re best equipped to deal with Covid-19. We have to be aware of our tendency to catastrophize and know that this way of thinking only makes everything worse. Some degree of anxiety might be inevitable right now, but the above tips hopefully will minimize the likelihood of your anxiety getting out of control.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

 

Pandemic Anxiety – Is Our Worry About Covid-19 Making Things Worse?

Covid-19 anxiety is going viral:

The world is reeling from the effects of the outbreak of Novel Coronavirus, now known as Covid-19. Here in Canada, we’re perhaps at a slight advantage after dealing with the SARS crisis in 2003. We learned a lot at the time and I think that we’re being proactive to help curb the spread of infection.

Meanwhile, I’m seeing a lot of very anxious people. Some of my patients have admitted that they’ve been “obsessing” about Covid-19 and that it’s been keeping them up at night. I’ll leave it to the public health departments to inform us about the measures we should be taking to protect our physical health but I do have some suggestions for how to protect our mental well-being during such a frightening time.

Anxiety is the most common mental health disorder. It affects 18% of the population in the US. In Canada, the most recent statistics show that it affects close to 9% of the population. It isn’t surprising that in times of stress, a person who has underlying anxiety would find their condition worsening, but even people who don’t suffer from anxiety could become anxious during a global pandemic.

Anxiety comes from feeling out of control:

Anxiety is created – or worsened – when people feel helpless or out of control and when they lack essential information. In this rapidly-changing scenario it’s difficult to know what’s going on with Covid-19 from moment to moment. Every day we wake up and the numbers are changing. First it was China where cases were surging. Now it’s Iran and Italy. Tomorrow it could be somewhere else.

Because testing has been so limited, we don’t really know how many people are infected. We’re unsure of the death rate and it’s unclear how at risk we are of becoming seriously ill with the virus. All of this uncertainty can fill us with fear.

Anxiety makes us sick:

Anxiety is bad for our health. It can predispose us to gastrointestinal disorders, respiratory disorders, heart disease, a weakened immune system and even increased susceptibility to viral infections. Worrying about Covid-19 could actually make us more likely to catch it.

So how can we quell our mounting levels of anxiety? Here are my 7 tips:

Follow the public health guidelines. Knowing that there are concrete steps you can take and then taking them will help you to protect both your physical and your emotional well-being. Stay at home as much as possible to avoid exposure, practice social distancing when you’re away from home, wash your hands properly and frequently and be reassured that you’re doing everything you can to take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Let go of the notion of control. We feel so out of control at a time like this but when we really look at it, control is something that we never have. We can’t control the weather, our bodies, other people, or sadly, the global spread of infection. All we can do is make choices, but these choices matter a lot. If we make good choices we’re likely to be safer and saner than if we freak out.
Don’t panic. When we panic we’re likely to do foolish things. The other day I heard that the police had been called out to a grocery store in the town of Belleville, Ontario. People were emptying the shelves of products and when there was nothing left they started stealing items out of other people’s shopping carts. The police had to come in and break things up. Meanwhile, all that pushing and grabbing could have potentially exposed many more people to the disease.
Get enough sleep. When you’re anxious, it can adversely affect your sleep, but a lack of sleep can make you feel more anxious. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep, as sleep supports your immune system and your emotional well-being. Practice good sleep hygiene and try not to become over-stimulated – by checking the news, for example – just before bed.
Be informed but not compulsive. It’s important to know what’s going on but the compulsive consumption of upsetting information can make you more anxious and distressed. Know when to step away from the TV, your phone or the computer screen. Know when to take a break from talking about Covid-19 with your friends. Carve out some down time to give your mind some peace.
Practice mental health self-care. This is a good time to meditate, do some yoga and breathing exercises, drink herbal teas and read a nice uplifting book – anything that will help you to decompress. When times are frightening, it’s essential to find a balance by doing things that will help you calm us down.
Remember that there’s no benefit to worrying. When we worry we don’t prevent anything bad from happening; we don’t prepare ourselves for anything – because we can’t actually predict what’s coming; we don’t protect ourselves from anything – because worrying actually makes us more vulnerable to becoming ill; and moreover, by worrying we end up feeling just as bad as if the thing we feared had already happened to us. Worrying clearly causes us more harm than good.

It’s time to stay calm:

In these uncertain times, we need to do our best to stay calm so that we’re best equipped to deal with Covid-19. We have to be aware of our tendency to catastrophize and know that this way of thinking only makes everything worse. Some degree of anxiety might be inevitable right now, but the above tips hopefully will minimize the likelihood of your anxiety getting out of control.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

 

Does Being the Bachelor Make You the Master of Bad Choices?

 

Does “Bachelor” mean “bad choices”?

The recent season of the Bachelor just concluded and my take-away from the entire fiasco – because it was, indeed, a fiasco – was that it seems impossible for the Bachelors and Bachelorettes to exhibit good judgment while appearing on the show.

I can’t imagine that the producers deliberately seek out unintelligent people. I’m guessing that it’s the particular circumstances of the show which create a sort of mental vacuum into which all the brains of the contestants are sucked.

This season, I watched in dismay as the Bachelor, Peter Weber, sent home some amazing women, leaving himself with the final three: a devout Christian – Madison, a troubled young woman – Victoria F., and a rather inexperienced young woman – Hannah Ann.

From Left-to-Right: Hannah Ann Sluss, Madison Prewett and Victoria Fuller.

Everyone watching the show must have been shaking their heads as Peter kept Victoria F. around while sending home Kelley, who appeared far more fun, stable and sensible. We were horrified when he brought back the devious and manipulative Alayah, and a much nicer, more sincere woman – Victoria P., ended up being sent home over the fallout from that.

It was confusing when he sent home Natasha, who was smart, beautiful and drama-free, and no-one could figure out why he jettisoned Sydney, who seemed like a perfectly lovely and thoughtful young woman.

What was Peter thinking?

It seemed like Peter was going for the drama with most of his choices, or he was choosing the youngest, most naïve women in the group. Madison was 22 and Hanna-Ann was 23 at the time of taping. Peter was 27 when the show began and could have easily chosen someone closer to his own age.

Peter kept making terrible choices through the entirety of the show and his mistakes only got worse as the season neared its end. He seemed madly in love with Madison, but when she let him know that her strong faith made it impossible for her to continue a relationship with Peter if he slept with the other women during fantasy suite week, he carried on as though nothing had been said.

Last season, when Luke P. told Hannah Brown the same thing, she sent him packing immediately. At least Hannah B. made a clear decision. Peter, on the other hand, chose to ignore Madison’s statement and then afterwards when naturally, she was upset, Peter appeared confused – as though he hadn’t been listening to her when she’d told him that this was her number one deal-breaker. What part of “I couldn’t live with this” did he not understand?

 

Some people might have a problem with what Madison told Peter. I think that here is where her judgment might have been impaired. She’s a devout Christian, saving herself for marriage, so going on a dating show renowned for its fantasy suite was probably not the best choice for her. Madison should have considered this aspect of the show before choosing to be a participant.

Peter Weber: The master of bad choices

Having said that, Peter should have handled the situation with Madison a lot differently. Either he could have told her that he intended to sleep with the other women and give her the option of leaving then and there, or he could have made the sacrifice and foregone the sex if he really wanted to give his relationship with Madison a shot. What he did instead was short-sighted, selfish and unnecessary, since Madison was clearly the one he wanted all along.

And this brings us to Peter’s egregious behavior toward Hannah-Ann. He was clearly devastated after Madison left. It’s understandable that when faced with this loss, he also didn’t want to lose Hannah-Ann but equally, he was in no position to be proposing to her two days later.

 

If Peter was still processing the loss of Madison, he could have done the right thing and risked speaking to Hannah-Ann – a point she rightly confronted him on, in their encounter during the final show.

Instead of proposing to Hannah-Ann, Peter had two choices. He could have acknowledged to himself that she wasn’t his person and ended it with her right then, or he could have told her that he’d like to continue dating and see where things led. What Peter shouldn’t have done was set up Hannah-Ann for heartbreak one month later. Selfishly, though, he chose to hedge his bets.

Hannah-Ann: Too young to play the game

Being so inexperienced, Hannah-Ann was unprepared for Peter’s gamesmanship. She admitted in the final show that she’d sensed something was off, even during the proposal, but her youthful enthusiasm made it impossible for her to protect herself from Peter’s hurtful actions.

Perhaps I’m blaming the show too much. Perhaps Peter Weber is just a tool. Perhaps he’d make the same selfish, stupid mistakes in real life. Perhaps Hannah Brown sensed this about him when she sent him away – although that doesn’t explain why she kept the truly awful Luke P. around for so long.

After having watched the last two seasons of this franchise, I do wonder whether the circumstances around being the Bachelor/Bachelorette make it impossible to intelligently choose who to keep around and who to send home.

Barbara Weber: Getting a bad rap for being a good Mom

 

Now, Peter’s mother is devastated by his broken engagement with Hannah-Ann, who turns out to be an articulate, intelligent young woman likely to go far in life. Peter is pursuing a relationship with Madison, who at least temporarily, has relented from her previously uncompromising position. And Peter’s mom is right to be concerned.

Barbara Weber understands that Peter and Madison are fundamentally incompatible. She’s probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like her, I’m unconvinced that Madison will ultimately be able to forgive Peter for ignoring her pleas not to have sex with the other women. Her trust in him was broken and she may find it difficult to truly trust him, moving forward. Also, her faith is too important to her, and if being with Peter is forcing her to compromise her values, she’s likely to become increasingly unhappy with him.

It’s also unlikely that Peter would be able to make all the compromises that being in a relationship with Madison would require. He seems too selfish and immature to do that. Sure, they’re highly infatuated with one-another, but that’s not the basis of a stable, long-term relationship, and Peter’s mother knows it. When Barbara said that her son “has to fail, to succeed,” she wasn’t kidding.

How long ’til Peter and Madison part ways?

I’m waiting for the news that Peter and Madison have gone their separate ways. I don’t think the wait will be long. That would make two seasons in a row of the franchise with no final love match.

Perhaps the producers need to rethink the format. Perhaps they need choose better contestants for the show. All the bad choices make for good drama on TV, but these are real young people experiencing real heartbreak, and that’s unfortunate collateral damage in the pursuit of better ratings.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

On International Women’s Day, Push Your Fear Aside and Speak Up

Two steps forward…

International Women’s Day reminds me of the many strides that women have made and underscores the struggles that we still face. One persisting problem is how women’s voices, opinions and desires are still being discounted and dismissed. It’s still so hard for some men to take a woman seriously.

I think that this isn’t just about men; it’s also a problem in the minds of women. Many of us won’t own our power for fear of angering or upsetting the men around us. For some of us, this is a necessity, as we’re caught in situations in which it would be dangerous to speak up. But for many of us, it’s not our circumstances holding us back; it’s internal. We’re afraid to speak our truth because it might offend some men.

It seems to me that too many women who’d otherwise be in a position to speak their mind instead choose to remain silent or say only a tiny fragment of what they’re thinking. They fear that the men around them might not like it if they’re assertive or opinionated.

Many of us are well aware of how some men are threatened by a strong, confident woman who has a mind of her own. They find it intimidating and off-putting. And many of these men attempt, in subtle and not-so subtle ways, to silence us. It’s more comfortable for them if we aren’t heard and these cowardly men aren’t challenged in any way.

Fearful women collude with cowardly men

Unfortunately, too many women collude with these attempts to gag us. These women don’t dare do anything that might upset a man. They worry that if they own their power and demand to be heard and seen, they’ll miss out on opportunities. They fear that no man will marry them, hire them or allow them to keep their job. They fear that they’ll be viewed as the worst possible thing: a woman who isn’t pleasing to men.

In this era of feminism, in which women are demanding to be seen and treated as equals, too many of us still believe that we must be pleasing to men. This applies to how we look, dress, wear our hair, hold our bodies, and especially, in how we speak. We’re convinced that we must never say or do anything that would offend, intimidate or one-up any men.

For too many of us, our self worth, status and even our identity are powerfully bound up in how the men in our lives might see us. We’re terrified that if we’re too loud, too aggressive, too dominant; too insistent on being heard and acknowledged that no man will want to have anything to do with us.

We aren’t given men enough credit

And this is our major error. It’s how we fail to give men credit. We assume that all men are incapable of tolerating our power or appreciating what we have to say. This is far from the truth.

While there are plenty of men who tremble in their shoes at the thought of an empowered woman, more and more men today are delighting in our strength and invested in what we have to say.

When we assume that all men are intimidated by and intolerant of strong, outspoken women, we fail to acknowledge all the men out there who understand that when women own their power and their voice, it’s a win-win.

When women are empowered, everyone wins

Many recent articles and studies demonstrate the importance of women’s role in democracy. We’re seeing how innovation is driven by a diversity of voices, including those of women. Everyone flourishes when women’s voices are heard.

In intimate relationships, too many men are afraid that a strong, outspoken woman will overpower or control them. This is not the fault of the women. Parents everywhere must start raising their sons to see that empowered women aren’t interested in taking anything away from them. They must also raise their daughters to stop fearing the disapproving male gaze.

Adult men must start to re-educate themselves, to see that they’ll be more fulfilled and happy in a relationship of equals. Much of the dissatisfaction in modern heterosexual relationships might be coming from women holding themselves back and their partner overtly or subtly making it known that they prefer things this way.

The myth of the silent, supportive spouse

When a man lives with a woman who’s only showing him a fraction of herself; when her fascinating mind, passionate heart and brilliant opinions are withheld out of the fear of upsetting him, he could grow bored and disconnect from her.

His partner might be quietly seething with resentment that he gets to be the one with all the ideas, creativity and drive. She’s silencing herself to please him but is more and more frustrated. The couple is colluding to create harmony but the result is dissatisfaction; possibly divorce.

In the boardroom, women silence themselves, anticipating that the men in positions of authority would fear that an articulate, informed woman would show them up. Their business suffers terribly if this woman is the one with the vision for solving the company’s problems and driving it toward success. When everyone colludes to silence women at work, the workplace is impoverished.

Transcending our attachment to the male gaze

On International Women’s Day, we women need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of men. We must acknowledge our own value and status regardless of how men might see us. We must recognize our intrinsic worth and stop fearing that we might not be being pleasing to men.

Sure, some old dinosaurs will balk when we speak up, and some will keep trying to silence us, but there are many places where our voices are welcomed and we can choose to go there, or we can create new spaces where everyone’s voice can be heard. We must stop believing that the male gaze validates us and that the male frown negates us.

In our intimate relationships, we must see that we’ve been underestimating our partners. We must recognize that no-one benefits when we make ourselves small for fear that our man will feel “less than.” And we must understand that if our romantic partner refuses to listen or to share, then there are other men who’ll embrace us in all our power and our passion.

It’s time for the gags to come off. It’s time for us to speak up. People are listening.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

International Women’s Day & the Workplace: 6 Tips for Surviving Sexual Harassment at Work

 

As International Women’s Day approaches, I’ve been thinking about some of the challenges facing women today. Sadly, many of these issues are the same ones we’ve been facing for centuries. Yes, there’s been progress, especially in the first world, but some of the most pressing problems aren’t going away any time soon.

Many of us here in Canada were shocked and dismayed upon hearing the news that the revered theologian, Jean Vanier, has been accused of taking advantage of his position of trust and sexually abusing six women with whom he’d worked.

He’s just one of the many men who’ve been accused, charged, and found guilty for sexually abusing women in positions of less power than they themselves held.

At the same time as we were hearing the shocking news about Mr. Vanier, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape and sexual assault at his Manhattan criminal trial. An LA trial is still pending.

 

The women speaking out about Mr. Weinstein and those who broke the story were responsible for the creation of the #MeToo movement, which has emboldened many women to come forward and speak their truth about sexual misconduct by the men they’ve worked with.

In Canada, sexual harassment in the workplace is sadly, not uncommon. For many women everywhere who are sexually assaulted, harassed or abused in the workplace, justice is not provided for them. In many previous articles, I’ve written about how powerful men will go to any lengths to silence, discredit or punish the women who accuse these men of sexual misconduct.

I’ve also spoken to many women who’ve experienced sexual harassment in the workplace and these women shared how, even after the #MeToo movement was established, they had little or no recourse if a man in a position of power was the perpetrator.

Many businesses at best, pay lip-service to the #MeToo movement. They might have policies on paper but often, these policies aren’t enacted in real life.

If you’ve been the victim of sexual harassment in the workplace, you might be well aware of the degree to which your workplace is willing to support you. Perhaps you’ve tried to speak to someone and were shut down.

I know of women who’ve been transferred, demoted or fired for speaking up. Some chose to pursue their case with an employment lawyer, but many women aren’t in a position to spend the money or the time on such a complaint, or they’re unwilling to risk what it could do to their professional reputation if they were to bring such an allegation forward.

So, what should a woman do if she’s being sexually harassed by a powerful man in her workplace? I have six suggestions. None of these are written in stone but rather, they’re ideas that might be helpful to you.


Set up a support system:

First and foremost, I’d suggest that every woman start by establishing a support system at work. Cultivate some positive working relationships with other women; especially those in positions of authority who can be counted on in difficult times.

If you have a strong support system, it’s more likely that there will be people who’ll believe you and be willing to go to bat for you in a “he said, she said” scenario.

As well, if you share your concerns with your workplace support system before taking the problem to HR, their backing and their experience will help you to navigate the process.

Face the truth about what’s happening:

It’s common for women to minimize instances of sexual harassment. This comes from a psychological defense mechanism against confronting an ugly truth about a person who you previously respected or admired. Still, it’s necessary to face even the most unpleasant truths in order to become embowered to deal with your situation.

Don’t blame yourself:

Psychologically, when traumatic things happen to us, we regress into a child-like mentality. As a result, it’s common to blame ourselves for the bad things happening to us, even when we’ve done nothing whatsoever to deserve them.

It’s essential that we fight this urge toward self-blame and remember that no matter what, the other person is responsible for their choices and if they’re choosing to sexually harass us, it’s all on them.

Be strategic:

Here’s where having a support system at work can really pay off. Talk to your trusted colleagues about what’s happening. You’ll learn about the culture of the workplace and discover how prudent (or not) it would be to bring a complaint to your supervisors or to HR. Perhaps other colleagues in your support system have been harassed by the same person and you can launch a group complaint against the perpetrator. That should have more impact than a solo complaint.

Whatever you decide, having people around you who believe you, care about you and want the best for you will make it much easier to cope.

Get psychological help:

It’s incredibly stressful to experience sexual harassment on the job. A trained professional can help you deal emotionally with people in positions of authority refuse to believe you or who try to discredit you or penalize you for coming forward.

Also, your counselor or therapist can help you make important decisions, like how to act in your own best interest at work; whether, when or how to make a complaint, or if you need to start looking for another job.

Consider moving on:

You may need to arrange with HR to leave quietly provided you’re given a glowing reference. This might sound like a bad deal, but depending on how toxic your workplace is, it might be the best, most strategic plan you can arrive at.

It’s sad, frustrating and maddening that the culture of misogyny is alive and thriving in many workplaces. The last thing any woman wants to deal with at work is being sexually harassed (or worse) by a powerful man. Unfortunately, we can’t yet control this reality. I’m hoping that the above tips can help you through, if – or when – it happens to you.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.

6 Tips for Surviving Sexual Harassment at Work

 

As International Women’s Day approaches, I’ve been thinking about some of the challenges facing women today. Sadly, many of these issues are the same ones we’ve been facing for centuries. Yes, there’s been progress, especially in the first world, but some of the most pressing problems aren’t going away any time soon.

Many of us here in Canada were shocked and dismayed upon hearing the news that the revered theologian, Jean Vanier, has been accused of taking advantage of his position of trust and sexually abusing six women with whom he’d worked.

He’s just one of the many men who’ve been accused, charged, and found guilty for sexually abusing women in positions of less power than they themselves held.

At the same time as we were hearing the shocking news about Mr. Vanier, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape and sexual assault at his Manhattan criminal trial. An LA trial is still pending.

 

The women speaking out about Mr. Weinstein and those who broke the story were responsible for the creation of the #MeToo movement, which has emboldened many women to come forward and speak their truth about sexual misconduct by the men they’ve worked with.

For many women who are sexually assaulted, harassed or abused in the workplace, justice is not provided for them. In many previous articles, I’ve written about how powerful men will go to any lengths to silence, discredit or punish the women who accuse these men of sexual misconduct.

I’ve also spoken to many women who’ve experienced sexual harassment in the workplace and these women shared how, even after the #MeToo movement was established, they had little or no recourse if a man in a position of power was the perpetrator.

Many businesses at best, pay lip-service to the #MeToo movement. They might have policies on paper but often, these policies aren’t enacted in real life.

If you’ve been the victim of sexual harassment in the workplace, you might be well aware of the degree to which your workplace is willing to support you. Perhaps you’ve tried to speak to someone and were shut down.

I know of women who’ve been transferred, demoted or fired for speaking up. Some chose to pursue their case with an employment lawyer, but many women aren’t in a position to spend the money or the time on such a complaint, or they’re unwilling to risk what it could do to their professional reputation if they were to bring such an allegation forward.

So, what should a woman do if she’s being sexually harassed by a powerful man in her workplace? I have six suggestions. None of these are written in stone but rather, they’re ideas that might be helpful to you.

Set up a support system:

First and foremost, I’d suggest that every woman start by establishing a support system at work. Cultivate some positive working relationships with other women; especially those in positions of authority who can be counted on in difficult times.

If you have a strong support system, it’s more likely that there will be people who’ll believe you and be willing to go to bat for you in a “he said, she said scenario.”

As well, if you share your concerns with your workplace support system before taking the problem to HR, their backing and their experience will help you to navigate the process.

Face the truth about what’s happening:

It’s common for women to minimize instances of sexual harassment. This comes from a psychological defense mechanism against confronting an ugly truth about a person who you previously respected or admired. Still, it’s necessary to face even the most unpleasant truths in order to become embowered to deal with your situation.

Don’t blame yourself:

Psychologically, when traumatic things happen to us, we regress into a child-like mentality. As a result, it’s common to blame ourselves for the bad things happening to us, even when we’ve done nothing whatsoever to deserve them.

It’s essential that we fight this urge toward self-blame and remember that no matter what, the other person is responsible for their choices and if they’re choosing to sexually harass us, it’s all on them.

Be strategic:

Here’s where having a support system at work can really pay off. Talk to your trusted colleagues about what’s happening. You’ll learn about the culture of the workplace and discover how prudent (or not) it would be to bring a complaint to your supervisors or to HR. Perhaps other colleagues in your support system have been harassed by the same person and you can launch a group complaint against the perpetrator. That should have more impact than a solo complaint.

Whatever you decide, having people around you who believe you, care about you and want the best for you will make it much easier to cope.

Get psychological help:

It’s incredibly stressful to experience sexual harassment on the job. A trained professional can help you deal emotionally with people in positions of authority refuse to believe you or who try to discredit you or penalize you for coming forward.

Also, your counselor or therapist can help you make important decisions, like how to act in your own best interest at work; whether, when or how to make a complaint, or if you need to start looking for another job.

Consider moving on:

You may need to arrange with HR to leave quietly provided you’re given a glowing reference. This might sound like a bad deal, but depending on how toxic your workplace is, it might be the best, most strategic plan you can arrive at.

It’s sad, frustrating and maddening that the culture of misogyny is alive and thriving in many workplaces. The last thing any woman wants to deal with at work is being sexually harassed (or worse) by a powerful man. Unfortunately, we can’t yet control this reality. I’m hoping that the above tips can help you through, if – or when – it happens to you.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 2020 is all about self-transformation for spring.

Click here for my latest online course on How to Handle Difficult People, Once and For All.