Marcia Sirota's Blog, page 18

10 More Life Hacks For the “New Normal” in the Pandemic

We’re all feeling stressed, scared and lonely these days, but the one advantage of all the quiet time at home is that we have an amazing opportunity to reflect on ourselves and our lives and make some meaningful adjustments to the way we think and the way we do things.

In Part One of this blog, I discussed the first 10 life hacks that will empower you to be your best self and live your best life.

Here are 10 more essential life hacks to adopt in the pandemic:

Never be afraid to assert your needs, feelings or limits. When expressing yourself, be brief and be clear. In this way, you can be sure that if they refuse to respect what you’re saying it’s not because you didn’t say it clearly, but rather, because they aren’t interested in accommodating your feelings or your needs. And by the way, asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re a normal human being.
You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. If you’re lonely, reach out to people. If you’re bored, start a project. If your life feels empty, do good things for others. Stop blaming your situation or other people for your unhappiness. You have the power to create a better life for yourself right now.
Forgive sometimes, let go always. You don’t have to forgive other people for what they did but you always need to let go. Forgiveness is something that should be earned by the person who wronged you, but you can always let go of your pain and anger so that they don’t get to keep hurting you.
Guilt is a manufactured emotion. It’s not something you’re born with. It’s taught to you by selfish, uncaring people who want to control you so that you do what they want. If you’re consumed by guilt, it could be that you’ve been successfully manipulated by someone else.
You don’t owe your parents anything. They chose to have you and how they treated you will be the deciding factor in your feelings about them and the nature of your relationship with them. For that matter, you don’t owe anyone anything other than basic courtesy and respect and if they’re abusive, you don’t even owe them that.
Intimacy is not a licence for abuse. Just because someone is a romantic partner or a family member, it doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. No-one is allowed to behave hurtfully toward you, regardless of the nature of your relationship.
Face the truth about your abuser. People get killed by their partner or ex-partner because they’re in denial about this person’s capacity for harm. It might be upsetting to acknowledge how dangerous the person you love(d) might be, but it could save your life. Never underestimate an abusive person’s capacity for violent behavior.
Your dysfunctional defense mechanisms will always backfire.  a) Denial, because if you refuse to see something, you’re never empowered to deal with it; b) Magical Thinking, because when you choose to believe that things are the way you wish they were, as opposed to facing the truth about how they actually are, you end up making really bad decisions; c) Avoidance, because when you refuse to deal with something you never solve your problems and you never get the opportunity to build your confidence by doing, learning and accomplishing things, and d) Rigidity, because holding on to counter-productive expectations, beliefs, attitudes and behaviours will keep you stuck in your life and perpetuate your suffering.
Self-love is not egoism and self-care is not selfishness. You are absolutely entitled to both. In fact, it’s your sacred duty to yourself. The narcissists in your life, however, will gaslight you to stop you from loving and caring for yourself.
Healthy confrontation is a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to see how reasonable, respectful and caring the other person is. If you politely tell them that you’re unhappy with something they did or said, and/or if you ask them to do something for you, the way they respond will tell you everything you need to know about them. If they get defensive, deny their actions, minimize your feelings or call you names, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. If they make excuses for why they “can’t” give you what you need, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. Anything other than respecting your limits and meeting your needs is evidence that this person is not someone who you should be associating with.

Check out my article for 10 more life hacks for the “new normal” in this pandemic.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

10 Life Hacks For the “New Normal” in the Pandemic

It’s 2020 and even though we’re all dealing with the horrors of Covid-19, including the illness and loss of loved ones, the hardships of social distancing and the ongoing economic uncertainty, life still goes on and right now, we need all the skills we can get.

In these ever more challenging times it doesn’t hurt to contemplate some important life lessons that we can adopt today and make use of, moving forward.

Here are the first 10 of my essential life hacks for the “new normal” in the pandemic:

You can’t change anyone. A person won’t change because you love them, or because you’re good to them. They’ll change only if they’re willing and able to do so (and often, only with long-term professional help). If you’re not happy with the other person’s behaviour, decide if you can or cannot live with it and then act accordingly.
Know your deal-breakers and your necessities. In every relationship there are some things you don’t like but you can live with and there are the deal-breakers. You should never have to tolerate the deal-breakers. Also, in every relationship there are some things you can live without and there are the absolute necessities. You should never allow yourself to go without the necessities.
Stop complaining, start taking action. Complaining is a terrible way of dealing with your problems. It’s toxic to the people you’re complaining to and it’s totally unhelpful for you. If you have a problem, you need to deal with it and stop complaining about it.
Love relationships should do three things: They should make you happy more often than not; they should bring out the best in you, and they should make you feel good about yourself. If all three aren’t present in your relationship, you need to walk away.
You get to choose your friends. They should be on the same wavelength as you; fun to be with, caring and supportive. If these things are absent and/or if there’s a lot of drama, stress or confusion, you can just as easily un-choose these friends and find some better ones.
People-pleasing always backfires. When you’re trying so hard to please, you’re being inauthentic and so you aren’t seen for who you really are or aren’t valued for who you are. Also, rather than encouraging approval, people-pleasing fosters disrespect, exploitation and mistreatment.
Stop asking “why?” It doesn’t matter why someone has done something hurtful to you. It matters how their actions have affected you. You don’t need to figure out why the other person acted this way; you just need to know what you felt and then go ahead and take care of yourself.
Life is not a popularity contest. What other people think about you is their problem. Besides, kind, reasonable people will never judge you harshly and unreasonable jerks always will. You don’t need to worry about what the kind people say because they’ll always be kind. And you don’t need to worry about what the jerks say because they’ll always be jerks.
Experts shouldn’t be hypocrites. Never take life advice from people whose lives are a mess. People who advise you should walk the walk and not just talk the talk. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending a relationship with them. You just need to be clear to them that it’s over. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you need. How they feel and what they think doesn’t matter.
Stop waiting for understanding. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending the relationship. Whatever your reasons, it’s enough that this is how you feel. You just need to be clear to the other person, so that there’s no confusion that you’re ending things. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you want. Whether they get it or are okay with it really doesn’t matter.

Check out my article for 10 more life hacks for the “new normal” in this pandemic.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

20 Life Hacks for the “New Normal” in 2020

It’s 2020 and even though we’re all dealing with the horrors of Covid-19, including the illness and loss of loved ones, the hardships of social distancing and the ongoing economic uncertainty, life still goes on and right now, we need all the skills we can get.

In these ever more challenging times it doesn’t hurt to contemplate some important life lessons that we can adopt today and make use of, moving forward.

Here are my 20 essential life hacks for the “new normal” in 2020:

You can’t change anyone. A person won’t change because you love them, or because you’re good to them. They’ll change only if they’re willing and able to do so (and often, only with long-term professional help). If you’re not happy with the other person’s behaviour, decide if you can or cannot live with it and then act accordingly.
Know your deal-breakers and your necessities. In every relationship there are some things you don’t like but you can live with and there are the deal-breakers. You should never have to tolerate the deal-breakers. Also, in every relationship there are some things you can live without and there are the absolute necessities. You should never allow yourself to go without the necessities.
Stop complaining, start taking action. Complaining is a terrible way of dealing with your problems. It’s toxic to the people you’re complaining to and it’s totally unhelpful for you. If you have a problem, you need to deal with it and stop complaining about it.
Love relationships should do three things: They should make you happy more often than not; they should bring out the best in you, and they should make you feel good about yourself. If all three aren’t present in your relationship, you need to walk away.
You get to choose your friends. They should be on the same wavelength as you; fun to be with, caring and supportive. If these things are absent and/or if there’s a lot of drama, stress or confusion, you can just as easily un-choose these friends and find some better ones.
People-pleasing always backfires. When you’re trying so hard to please, you’re being inauthentic and so you aren’t seen for who you really are or aren’t valued for who you are. Also, rather than encouraging approval, people-pleasing fosters disrespect, exploitation and mistreatment.
Stop asking “why?” It doesn’t matter why someone has done something hurtful to you. It matters how their actions have affected you. You don’t need to figure out why the other person acted this way; you just need to know what you felt and then go ahead and take care of yourself.
Life is not a popularity contest. What other people think about you is their problem. Besides, kind, reasonable people will never judge you harshly and unreasonable jerks always will. You don’t need to worry about what the kind people say because they’ll always be kind. And you don’t need to worry about what the jerks say because they’ll always be jerks.
Experts shouldn’t be hypocrites. Never take life advice from people whose lives are a mess. People who advise you should walk the walk and not just talk the talk. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending a relationship with them. You just need to be clear to them that it’s over. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you need. How they feel and what they think doesn’t matter.
Stop waiting for understanding. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending the relationship. Whatever your reasons, it’s enough that this is how you feel. You just need to be clear to the other person, so that there’s no confusion that you’re ending things. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you want. Whether they get it or are okay with it really doesn’t matter.

Never be afraid to assert your needs, feelings or limits. When expressing yourself, be brief and be clear. In this way, you can be sure that if they refuse to respect what you’re saying it’s not because you didn’t say it clearly, but rather, because they aren’t interested in accommodating your feelings or your needs. And by the way, asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re a normal human being.
You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. If you’re lonely, reach out to people. If you’re bored, start a project. If your life feels empty, do good things for others. Stop blaming your situation or other people for your unhappiness. You have the power to create a better life for yourself right now.
Forgive sometimes, let go always. You don’t have to forgive other people for what they did but you always need to let go. Forgiveness is something that should be earned by the person who wronged you, but you can always let go of your pain and anger so that they don’t get to keep hurting you.
Guilt is a manufactured emotion. It’s not something you’re born with. It’s taught to you by selfish, uncaring people who want to control you so that you do what they want. If you’re consumed by guilt, it could be that you’ve been successfully manipulated by someone else.
You don’t owe your parents anything. They chose to have you and how they treated you will be the deciding factor in your feelings about them and the nature of your relationship with them. For that matter, you don’t owe anyone anything other than basic courtesy and respect and if they’re abusive, you don’t even owe them that.
Intimacy is not a licence for abuse. Just because someone is a romantic partner or a family member, it doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. No-one is allowed to behave hurtfully toward you, regardless of the nature of your relationship.
Face the truth about your abuser. People get killed by their partner or ex-partner because they’re in denial about this person’s capacity for harm. It might be upsetting to acknowledge how dangerous the person you love(d) might be, but it could save your life. Never underestimate an abusive person’s capacity for violent behavior.
Your dysfunctional defense mechanisms will always backfire.  a) Denial, because if you refuse to see something, you’re never empowered to deal with it; b) Magical Thinking, because when you choose to believe that things are the way you wish they were, as opposed to facing the truth about how they actually are, you end up making really bad decisions; c) Avoidance, because when you refuse to deal with something you never solve your problems and you never get the opportunity to build your confidence by doing, learning and accomplishing things, and d) Rigidity, because holding on to counter-productive expectations, beliefs, attitudes and behaviours will keep you stuck in your life and perpetuate your suffering.
Self-love is not egoism and self-care is not selfishness. You are absolutely entitled to both. In fact, it’s your sacred duty to yourself. The narcissists in your life, however, will gaslight you to stop you from loving and caring for yourself.
Healthy confrontation is a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to see how reasonable, respectful and caring the other person is. If you politely tell them that you’re unhappy with something they did or said, and/or if you ask them to do something for you, the way they respond will tell you everything you need to know about them. If they get defensive, deny their actions, minimize your feelings or call you names, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. If they make excuses for why they “can’t” give you what you need, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. Anything other than respecting your limits and meeting your needs is evidence that this person is not someone who you should be associating with.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

How Do You Know if What You’re Feeling Now is Depression?

Is it sadness, or depression?

These days, many of us are having strong emotional reactions to the Covid-19 pandemic. In these painful and uncertain times, it’s understandable to feel scared, sad, upset, or irritable. Some of us are having trouble sleeping or we’re having crazy dreams when we finally do fall asleep. Some of us are losing our appetites; some of us are can’t get enough comfort food.

It’s to be expected that we’re all struggling a bit right now. The pandemic is terrifying; the social isolation is painful; the experience of loss is overwhelming. But how do you know when what you’re feeling isn’t normal sadness or grief but has become clinical depression?

There are 12 signs when, taken all together, might indicate that you’re more than sad, more than upset. They could mean that you’re depressed.

If you have 5 or more of these signs, it’s time to reach out to your family doctor or a mental health professional and get the help that you deserve.

Here are the 12 signs that you might be depressed:

Waking in the night. Depression tends to wake you up a few hours after you’ve fallen asleep. Anxiety, on the other hand, tends to prevent you from falling asleep in the first place.
Not feeling refreshed in the morning. With depression, no matter how much you’ve slept, you’ll often wake up in the morning feeling tired and groggy and wanting to go right back to sleep.
Uncontrollable crying. It’s natural to have a good cry every now and then, especially these days when there’s been so much loss, but if you can’t stop crying you might be depressed.
Changes in appetite. If you can go all day without any interest in eating or if you’re suddenly so hungry that you can’t get enough to eat, either one could mean that you’re depressed.
Feeling helpless or hopeless. These feelings are generally not present in ordinary sadness and are more typical of clinical depression.
Feeling intense guilt or shame. These feelings can happen independently of a mood disorder but often, they’ll accompany depression.
Feeling worse in the morning than at bedtime. This is called “diurnal variation,” and it’s a classic sign of depression. When you’re sad, you generally feel better, first thing in the morning but when you’re depressed, mornings are often the worst time of the day.
Extremely low energy and fatigue. Even if you’re getting enough sleep at night, depression makes you feel lethargic and exhausted, most of the time. Often, you won’t even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning.
Feeling numb or “blah.” Feeling “flat” is a common sign of depression. When you’re depressed, there’s very little that lifts your mood or cheers you up.
No motivation. Not wanting to do anything – even the things you usually love to do – is a typical sign of depression.
Social withdrawal. Not wanting to see anyone – even the people who you love – is a common sign of depression.
Suicidal thoughts. In more serious cases of depression, you could start having fleeting thoughts of wanting to die, plans of how you’d hurt yourself or even a clear intention to act on these thoughts. This is a mental health emergency and you need to tell someone immediately how you’re feeling and get help. With the appropriate treatment, these feelings will quickly go away.

Suicidal thoughts are a mental health crisis

 

If you’re having thoughts of suicide, you should know that it’s the depression talking and that once you get the right treatment, you’re going to feel a lot differently. Please seek out treatment rather than suffer in silence or act on your feelings.

There are many options for self-care

If you have only 2 or 3 of the first 11 signs of depression, it’s still a good idea to consider one or more of the following options:

Talk to your family doctor or a mental health professional about options for getting help.
Talk to a supportive, understanding friend or family member.
Practice basic self-care such as Mindfulness Meditation, regular exercise, creativity, yoga and breathing exercises, good nutrition and proper sleep hygiene.

Excellent treatments are available

The treatment for clinical depression is usually a combination of medication and psychotherapy. The medication has come a long way and today there are highly effective treatments with minimal side effects.

The medication is not habit-forming, it won’t take away your feelings and it won’t change your personality. What it will do is help you break free of the crushing symptoms of depression.

Virtual psychotherapy is now available, on-line or by phone. There are many different types of talk therapy that you could choose from and many are covered by private or government insurance plans.

A list of resources

The Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) is an excellent resource for people who are looking for information or services. In the US, Mental Health America (MHA) is a similar resource. Feel free to reach out to either one of them if you feel the need for support.

There are suicide hotlines in every community. In Canada, you could try Suicide.org. In the US, you could try the USA National suicide and crisis hotlines, and around the world, there are hotlines in most countries.

And for more mental health resources, please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

Five Simple Ways to Cope With Your Sadness Over Covid-19

The sadness we’re all feeling is profound

Now that the Covid-19 pandemic is in full-swing, a lot of people have been breaking down and crying these days, and these are people who don’t make a habit out of shedding tears. But their grief is real, and they’ve been weeping more in the past few weeks than possibly in their entire lives.

Many of us are feeling profoundly sad right now, and I wanted to talk about why this is and what we can do about it. There are so many reasons to feel upset, right now. We’re worried about our health and anxious about our loved ones; we’re nervous about our finances and about the economic survival of our community and our nation.

And many of us are just plain sad. It hurts to think about how many people have been getting sick, how many have died and how many still are going to die. It’s painful to be cooped up at home, not able to be with our family and friends. It’s scary, lonely and frustrating and it makes us really sad.

We’re feeling lost and adrift

It’s painful to imagine what will happen to our local small businesses, and to the people who have worked in our communities for many years. It’s upsetting to think that all the money people have invested has gone up in smoke. It’s tragic to think of everyone who was living from paycheck to paycheck and who now faces a financial crisis as well. The sense of loss is profound. The sense of uncertainty is chilling.

The situation we’re in is something that few living people have experienced. The closest approximation was the Second World War and that ended 75 years ago. Everyone born after 1945 has nothing with which to compare this current crisis. And even during the war, people banded together and that gave them strength. Now, many of us are literally going through it alone.

We’re feeling lost and adrift. We aren’t sure how long this is all going to last or what life will be like, on the other side. We’re lonely and we’re scared. Many people are feeling overwhelmed, but just as many of us are feeling profoundly sad.

Many have suffered; more pain is coming

I’m grieving for all those who have succumbed to the illness. I’m heart-broken for their families and friends. I’m sad for the health care workers who, aside from all the sacrifices they’re already making to care for the sick, are now sleeping alone in their cars or wherever they can find so as not to risk infecting their family members. I’m upset that there aren’t enough ventilators in some locations and not enough protective gear for health care workers in many others.

I’m sad for all the small business owners who won’t make it through the pandemic. I’m sad for the communities that will be deprived of all the goods and services these businesses had to offer.

I’m sad for the occupants of nursing homes who are waiting for the virus to pick them off like sitting ducks. I’m sad for the poor and disenfranchised who’ve gone from incredibly difficult living situations a few months ago to downright impossible ones today.

I’m sad for all the victims of domestic abuse who are trapped at home with their abusers. I’m sad for the people imprisoned on minor charges who are now risking death from Covid-19 for having committed a misdemeanor.

I’m sad for all the people who’ve lost their jobs and who may never be rehired. I’m sad for all the essential workers who risk their lives every day in order to keep our society running.

I’m sure I’m not alone in my sadness. Anyone who has an ounce of compassion can’t help but be moved to tears. So what can we all do to avoid being overwhelmed by these feelings? How can we acknowledge our sadness without being brought down by it? The answer is simple.

Here are five simple ways to help you cope with the profound sense of sadness you’re feeling.

Feel it but don’t drown in it. Open your heart and allow yourself to feel your sadness. Take the time to release your feelings through crying. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness; they’re a healthy way of letting go. After a good cry, everyone feels refreshed and more hopeful. Crying is cleansing. But at the same time, you should believe in your own strength and resilience and know that despite being sad, you’re also strong and you can get through this difficult time.
Reach out for support – both personal and professional. When you’re sad it’s a great comfort to share your feelings with someone who cares. Unburdening yourself to a friend, a family member or a mental health professional can really make a difference, as long as they’re supportive and they don’t try to minimize your experience or shut down your feelings.
Tap into your creativity. Being creative in whatever form it takes is a great outlet for all your emotions. Whether you’re feeling sad or anxious, angry or frustrated, channeling your feelings into a creative project will be empowering and uplifting. And if you share your art with others, it can make them feel better, too. You can also join forces with other people and do a creative project together. That will generate lot of joy in these sad times.
Exercise. Stretching, strengthening and doing cardio will help you move the painful feelings out of your body. Exercise releases feel-good chemicals called “endorphins” and it boosts both your immune system and your mood.
Help others. Doing good things for other people is a great way to lessen your grief. Being there for others always brings happiness, and taking concrete action on behalf of others in the face of all the upsetting things happening these days is a great way to lift your mood.

These are challenging times and it’s not surprising that people are feeling scared, sad and even frustrated. Please take advantage of my five tips for dealing with the sadness you’re feeling, right now.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

Four Simple Ways to Cope With Your Sadness Over Covid-19

Now that the Covid-19 pandemic is in full-swing, a lot of people have been breaking down and crying these days, and these are people who don’t make a habit out of shedding tears. But their grief is real, and they’ve been weeping more in the past few weeks than possibly in their entire lives.

Many of us are feeling profoundly sad right now, and I wanted to talk about why this is and what we can do about it. There are so many reasons to feel upset, right now. We’re worried about our health and anxious about our loved ones; we’re nervous about our finances and about the economic survival of our community and our nation.

And many of us are just plain sad. It hurts to think about how many people have been getting sick, how many have died and how many still are going to die. It’s painful to be cooped up at home, not able to be with our family and friends. It’s scary, lonely and frustrating and it makes us really sad.

It’s painful to imagine what will happen to our local small businesses, and to the people who have worked in our communities for many years. It’s upsetting to think that all the money people have invested has gone up in smoke. It’s tragic to think of everyone who was living from paycheck to paycheck and who now faces a financial crisis as well. The sense of loss is profound. The sense of uncertainty is chilling.

The situation we’re in is something that few living people have experienced. The closest approximation was the Second World War and that ended 75 years ago. Everyone born after 1945 has nothing with which to compare this current crisis. And even during the war, people banded together and that gave them strength. Now, many of us are literally going through it alone.

We’re feeling lost and adrift. We aren’t sure how long this is all going to last or what life will be like, on the other side. We’re lonely and we’re scared. Many people are feeling overwhelmed, but just as many of us are feeling profoundly sad.

I’m grieving for all those who have succumbed to the illness. I’m heart-broken for their families and friends. I’m sad for the health care workers who, aside from all the sacrifices they’re already making to care for the sick, are now sleeping alone in their cars or wherever they can find so as not to risk infecting their family members. I’m upset that there aren’t enough ventilators in some locations and not enough protective gear for health care workers in many others.

I’m sad for all the small business owners who won’t make it through the pandemic. I’m sad for the communities that will be deprived of all the goods and services these businesses had to offer.

I’m sad for the occupants of nursing homes who are waiting for the virus to pick them off like sitting ducks. I’m sad for the poor and disenfranchised who’ve gone from incredibly difficult living situations a few months ago to downright impossible ones today.

I’m sad for all the victims of domestic abuse who are trapped at home with their abusers. I’m sad for the people imprisoned on minor charges who are now risking death from Covid-19 for having committed a misdemeanor.

I’m sad for all the people who’ve lost their jobs and who may never be rehired. I’m sad for all the essential workers who risk their lives every day in order to keep our society running.

I’m sure I’m not alone in my sadness. Anyone who has an ounce of compassion can’t help but be moved to tears. So what can we all do to avoid being overwhelmed by these feelings? How can we acknowledge our sadness without being brought down by it? The answer is simple.

Here are four simple ways to help you cope with the profound sense of sadness you’re feeling.

Feel it but don’t drown in it. Open your heart and allow yourself to feel your sadness. Take the time to release your feelings through crying. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness; they’re a healthy way of letting go. After a good cry, everyone feels refreshed and more hopeful. Crying is cleansing. But at the same time, you should believe in your own strength and resilience and know that despite being sad, you’re also strong and you can get through this difficult time.
Reach out for support – both personal and professional. When you’re sad it’s a great comfort to share your feelings with someone who cares. Unburdening yourself to a friend, a family member or a mental health professional can really make a difference, as long as they’re supportive and they don’t try to minimize your experience or shut down your feelings.
Tap into your creativity. Being creative in whatever form it takes is a great outlet for all your emotions. Whether you’re feeling sad or anxious, angry or frustrated, channeling your feelings into a creative project will be empowering and uplifting. And if you share your art with others, it can make them feel better, too. You can also join forces with other people and do a creative project together. That will generate lot of joy in these sad times.
Help others. Doing good things for other people is a great way to lessen your grief. Being there for others always brings happiness, and taking concrete action on behalf of others in the face of all the upsetting things happening these days is a great way to lift your mood.

These are challenging times and it’s not surprising that people are feeling scared, sad and even frustrated. Don’t forget to make use of my four tips on how to deal with the sadness you’re feeling, right now.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. I’m continuing my special series on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

How to Get the Spreaders to Start Practicing Social Distancing

Motivating people to change

Ontario  and Quebec have both just released the statistics on the projected number of infections and deaths from Covid-19. The Federal projections just came out as well, and they’re pretty dire.

People are wondering if knowing the facts will ensure 100% compliance with social distancing over the next few months. The stats are grim, even if everyone were to comply, so you’d think that this would be enough to get the small group of hold-outs to finally join with the program. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.

The reason is that people don’t change their behaviour out of fear. The old ads on TV that tried to get people to quit smoking by showing gruesome pictures of diseased lungs clearly didn’t work. When it comes to human motivation, fear won’t make people change. So what will make people change their behaviour and stop spreading Covid-19?

People don’t change out of fear

People change for two reasons: either for purely selfish motivations or for altruistic ones. Often, it comes from a combination of both. People change their behaviour when they see that it will benefit them directly; when they see that making a change will help others, or when changing what they do will help both themselves and other people.

Selfish people won’t follow public health recommendations to avoid causing themselves harm but they might if they see a direct benefit for themselves. They certainly won’t be motivated by compassion for others, so our public institutions fail when they try that much harder to get these people to care. With this group, we have to appeal to their base self-interest.

If we make it clear to them that they could improve their personal situation through social distancing because it would shorten the course of the pandemic and minimize their financial costs, then they might start to stay home.

With selfish people, appeal to their self-interest

If we make it clear to them that they could also make things worse for them by continuing to socialize because this would ultimately lengthen the course of the pandemic and make their financial situation even worse, they might then choose to comply with the public health guidelines. They need to see a direct link, though, between their actions and the consequences they’ll experience.

In general, people with a strong sense of altruism will be compliant with the public health guidelines right from the start. They don’t want to cause harm to anyone else, so they learn what they’re supposed to do and they do it. If staying home also prevents them from getting sick, they see it as a win-win.

Some basically altruistic people, however, maybe haven’t been as compliant as they could have, either because they didn’t understand the real impact of their actions, or because they were in denial about the seriousness of the pandemic. When this group hears the statistics, though, it still might get them to change their behaviour, but maybe not.

There are four reasons why people aren’t engaging in social distancing right now:

1. They just don’t care. As I mentioned above, these are the antisocial people, the narcissists who lack empathy and compassion, and these individuals have no remorse for their selfish or hurtful behaviour. These people will only respond to a public health initiative if they see that they’ll benefit directly by complying and that they’ll lose out, big time, if they don’t.

2. They just don’t get it. These individuals need to have things broken down very simply so that they understand why it’s essential to stay home and stop socializing. For the altruistic people in this group, once we clarify the situation to them, they’re more than likely to get on board. Unfortunately, there is a sub-group of those who just don’t get it and just don’t care. It’s almost impossible to get through to these individuals because they won’t make the effort to understand.

3. They’re in denial. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that arises when people are anxious and overwhelmed. This is coping strategy is tough to break because some people are so anxious that they can’t bear to see the truth. The best way to work with this group is  to inject regular doses of straightforward information that will hopefully slip in under their defenses.

4. They’re caught up in ideology. Whether it’s political fanaticism or some other type of belief system that prevents these people from seeing the truth, their rigid way of thinking makes it extremely difficult for our public institutions to get through to these people. Fanaticism defies all logic, reason and even self-interest. I’m reminded of the Jonestown massacre, when all of Jim Jones’ followers drank the poisoned Koolaid and died for their leader. Ideologues are so attached to their beliefs that they’d rather risk their lives and the lives of their loved ones than change their thinking. This group is a danger to the public health.

What you can do

If you know anyone who is still defying the social distancing rules, ask yourself which group you think they belong to. You can help your selfish friend or relative to see that they stand to gain a lot more from social distancing than from whatever fun they’re having right now by continuing to socialize. You can show them how they stand to lose a lot more in the long run by not changing their behaviour than the minor inconvenience right now of not being able to socialize.

You can explain to your clueless friend or family member why their behaviour really does matter and show them the stats that make it clear how the death toll by the end of April will be in the hundreds or in the tens of thousands, all depending on their actions today.

You gently encourage the person you know who’s in denial to face the truth about the pandemic. You can tell them that the longer they stay in denial, the more they and others will suffer. You can let them know that down the road, things could be a lot worse for them and their loved ones, so they’d better face the facts today.

And if you know someone who’s caught up in ideology that makes them ignore the rules, I’d advise you to stay far away from them because it’s likely that their irrational, irresponsible actions will be putting themselves and those around them at a significantly increased risk of falling ill.

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And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

How Do We Get the Spreaders to Start Practicing Social Distancing?

Motivating people to change

Ontario just released the statistics on the number of deaths forecast from Covid-19. Quebec will follow in just a few days. People are wondering if this will ensure 100% compliance with social distancing over the next few months. The stats are grim, even if everyone were to comply 100%, so you’d think that this would be enough to get the small percentage of people who haven’t been practicing social distancing to finally join with the program. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.

The reason for this is that people don’t change their behavior out of fear. If we think of the old ads on TV that tried to get people to quit smoking by showing gruesome pictures of diseased lungs, it’s clear that they didn’t work. People didn’t quit smoking because of these ads. When it comes to human motivation, fear alone won’t make people change.  In fact, fear isn’t really a good motivator in general. So what is it that makes people change their behavior?

People don’t change out of fear

People change for two reasons. The first is for purely selfish motivations; the second is for altruistic ones. Often, it comes from a combination of both. People change when they see that changing their behaviour will benefit them directly; when they see that making a change will help others or when changing will help both themselves and other people.

Some people only do things that they’re told to do if they see a direct benefit for themselves. They’re so self-involved that they can’t be motivated by any sense of compassion for others. The suffering around them leaves them unmoved, and our public institutions fail when they redouble their efforts to get this segment of the population to care. It will never work. With this group of people, we have to take a different approach.

The way to motivate this group to change their social behavior is to appeal to their base self-interest. If we make it clear to them that their own actions could make things better for themselves by shortening the course of the pandemic and minimizing the financial costs to them, they might start to stay home.

With selfish people, appeal to their self-interest

If we make it clear to them that their own actions could also make the situation worse for them by lengthening the course of the pandemic and increasing their own deprivations, they might then choose to comply with the pub health guidelines. They need to see a direct link, though, between their actions and the consequences they’ll experience.

In general, people with a strong sense of altruism will be compliant with the public health guidelines right from the start. They don’t want to cause harm to anyone else, so they learn what they’re supposed to do and they do it.

Some inherently altruistic people, however, might not have been as compliant as they could have been, either because they didn’t understand the ramifications of their actions, or because they were in denial about the seriousness of the pandemic. When this group hears the statistics, though, it still might not be enough to get them to change their behaviour.

There are four reasons why people aren’t engaging in social distancing right now:

1. They just don’t care. These are the antisocial people, the narcissists who lack empathy and compassion, those individuals who have no remorse for their selfish or hurtful behavior. As I said above, the only way to get these people on board with a public health initiative is to make them see that they’ll benefit directly by complying with the public health guidelines and that they’ll lose out, big time, if they don’t.

2. They just don’t get it. This group lacks a certain basic understanding of the situation and they need to have things broken down very simply and concretely so that they can understand why they have to stay home and stop socializing. Unfortunately, there is a smaller group of those who don’t get it and who also don’t care. This group is extremely difficult to get through to because they don’t care enough to make the effort to understand.

3. They’re in denial. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that arises when people are anxious and overwhelmed. This is a difficult coping strategy to break because some people are so anxious that they can’t bear to see the truth. It can be challenging to deal with the group that’s in denial. The best way to work with this group is with regular doses of straightforward information that will hopefully slip in under their defenses.

4. They’re caught up in ideology. Whether it’s political fanaticism or some other type of belief that prevents these people from seeing the truth, their rigid way of thinking makes it extremely difficult for our public institutions to get through to these people. Fanaticism defies all logic, reason and even self-interest. I’m reminded of the Jonestown massacre, when all of Jim Jones’ followers drank the poisoned Koolaid and died for their leader. This group is so attached to their belief system that they’d rather risk their own lives and the lives of their loved ones than change their way of thinking. This group might be a lost cause.

What you can do

If you know anyone who is still defying the social distancing rules, ask yourself which group you think they belong to. You can let your selfish friend or relative know that they stand to gain a lot more from social distancing than whatever fun they might be having right now by continuing to socialize. You can let them know that they stand to lose a lot more from not changing their behaviour than the minor inconvenience of not being able to socialize right now.

You can explain to your clueless friend or family member why their behaviour really does matter and show them how the number of deaths by the end of this month will be directly affected by their personal choices today.

You can talk to the person you know who’s in denial and gently reinforce to them that each person who stays home will make a huge difference in the spread of the disease. You can gently remind them that things will be a lot worse for them and their loved ones down the road if they don’t face the facts, today.

And if you know someone who is caught up in ideology, I’d advise you to stay away from them because it is likely that their irresponsible actions will be putting themselves and those around them at a significantly increased risk of falling ill.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 6, 2020 is my second  special issue on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

How to Cope When Covid-19 is Stirring Up Your Worst Fears

The mental health toll of Covid-19

As all the experts talk about the serious physical health risks of the Covid-19 pandemic, I want to talk about the equally serious risks to our mental health. The fact is that this pandemic is stirring up our deepest, most primordial fears around survival.

Every human being has these primal survival fears – of death, of being alone, of not having enough money, and of living in a dangerous world. Many of us in the West have been fortunate enough that we’ve rarely had to confront these fears, or if we have, we got to face them one at a time and not all together. But the covid-19 pandemic is unique in that it’s playing on every one of these primal survival fears simultaneously.

The fear of not having enough money

It’s impossible for us not to worry about our finances, as we wonder about how we’ll pay for the most basic necessities like food and housing in the coming months.

Those who’ve been living on minimum wage and who were surviving from paycheck to paycheck are now facing the prospect of hunger and homelessness; small business owners are teetering on the precipice of bankruptcy; even well-off retirees have lost the bulk of their savings in the recent stock market dive.

The fear of death and losing loved ones

We’re terrified of becoming ill and of dying before our time and we’re frightened that our children, our parents, our siblings and our best friends will succumb. No-one is safe; no-one is immune. We worry about who’ll be left standing when all the dust has settled.

The fear of being alone

For many human beings, the worst possible fear is of being alone, isolated and disconnected from their community. With quarantines and social distancing, people are feeling the pain of loneliness and the fear of how they’ll cope with several more months of enforced separations.

At the most difficult times in history, the one thing we all had was each-other and we could come together and feel the support of our friends, family and community. Now we’re all holed up in our homes, unable to benefit from the soothing and renewing effects of togetherness. We agonize over not being able to see our family members and we wonder, even, if we’ll ever see them again.

The fear of a bleak future

And while we’re worrying about our financial survival, our physical survival and our social survival, we’re also consumed by a tremendous anticipatory anxiety over the survival of our society.

How unrecognizable will our world be when the pandemic has passed? Will we enter into a Great Depression that will rival the one of the late 1920’s? Will chaos reign in the streets? The number one new purchase in the US has been for guns. Will there be mass looting and violence? Will we revert to the Wild West, or worse? Nothing is certain, everything is up for grabs.

We have to face our fears and deal with them

When we stop to think about it, it can be overwhelming. People are at risk of mental breakdowns, even mental collapse, and that’s exactly the reason why we need to face these fears and deal with them, or we might not make it through this incredibly challenging time.

So how do we cope with all the primal survival fears that are coming up for us, right now? First, we need to tap into the reserves of strength and resilience that we all have within us. We’re stronger than we think and we have the choice now to be strong or to crumble. I know which one I’m choosing.

We are all in it together

Right now, more than ever, we need to recognize and capitalize on our interdependence. We really are in this together and we have to put aside our petty differences and be there for each-other. We need to ask for help and give help; we must offer each-other whatever we have to give.

And conversely, if we’ve been involved with any toxic people prior to the pandemic, this is a good time to sever the relationships that are anything less than supportive and uplifting. The last thing we need right now is to interact with someone hurtful or destructive who, through their unreasonable behavior, is making our anxiety worse.

Avoiding our fears makes things worse

And speaking of making things worse, when we try to deny our fears or distract ourselves by drinking to excess or drowning our fears in porn, the anxious feelings don’t go away. They just fester inside us, breeding ill health both mentally and physically. The fact is that avoidance behaviors only set us up for worse problems, down the road. For this reason, we have to stop avoiding and start dealing with the emotional impact of the pandemic.

We need to take advantage of the mental health resources in our community. Many therapists are now doing virtual sessions. Many mental health organizations are offering webinars and free resources to the community. There are a lot of videos and articles available right now that can help to put things in perspective and calm our fears.

We can lobby our local and federal governments to do more to help us, whether it’s through small business loans, tax deferrals, shelters for abused women, mental health hotlines for children or any other initiatives that will keep everyone’s head above the water. And we can vote in the upcoming US election for the party most likely to protect the interests of the working people.

Fear is a normal response

And psychologically, we need to accept that these are terrifying times and stop beating ourselves up for feeling so vulnerable right now. It’s totally normal to feel this way.

Those primal fears of survival are no joke and when they’re all stirred up at the same time, it’s absolutely understandable that we’re  anxious. We just don’t need to add insult to injury by criticizing ourselves for feeling the way we do.

It’s not weak to be afraid

It’s not a sign of weakness that we’re afraid; it’s a sign that we’re human. And accepting our vulnerability allows us to also tap into our inner strength. We become empowered to use this horrible situation as an opportunity for personal growth and evolution.

We can get through this unprecedented moment in history. It will require a considerable amount of sacrifice and a whole lot of courage, but when we acknowledge our fears and we support one-another, it’s possible to come out of it even stronger than we were before.

Please sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. April 6, 2020 is my second  special issue on Coping with Covid.

And tune in to my new YouTube video series on Coping With Covid.

Covid-19: A Wake-up Call On Letting Go of Control

Canada is reeling over Covid-19

Right now, in the midst of the global pandemic, people around the world are feeling frightened, helpless and out of control. We have no idea what’s coming, whether on a personal, familial, economic or societal level. Here in Canada, this is a relatively new and unpleasant experience for most of us.

In our well-to-do first world country that prides itself on a robust social welfare system, many of us assume that life here includes a good measure of stability, predictability and security. Now that Covid-19 has arrived, all of those things are very much in question. We had convinced ourselves that we had control over our lives and we’re upset that this no longer seems possible.

In fact, Covid-19 is offering everyone in the more privileged parts of the world to recognize that instability, insecurity and unpredictability are the norm in human life, not the exception. Those of us living in the first world have been holding on to a false sense of security and an illusion of control.

Most people live with constant uncertainty

Most people around the planet live with varying degrees of insecurity; whether with regard to food, housing, clean water or personal safety. Even in the first world, many children and spouses live in violent homes, not knowing when the next assault is coming. Many Canadians in First Nations communities live a third-world existence in a first world country.

The truth is that we human beings have never had control over anything in our lives and our security has always been relative. We’ve been telling ourselves a pretty lie about life, in order to reassure ourselves that things are more predictable than they seem. This pretty lie can be a dangerous one, though, because it fails to prepare us for the inevitable difficulties that everyone must face.

We’ve all heard the stories of the person who had an illness that wiped out all their savings or the one who made a bad investment and lost everything; we’ve heard about the person who bought a house that ended up being a money pit, or about the person who lost everything in the divorce. From one moment to the next, these individuals went from supposedly secure to extremely insecure, and it can happen to any of us at any time.

We’ve also heard the story of someone who was healthy one day and the next day had a stomach ache that turned out to be terminal cancer. We’ve heard the story of someone who was in a car accident on the way to the grocery store and was never able to work again.

We remember the actor, Christopher Reeve, who fell from his polo pony and suddenly was quadriplegic. We remember Phillip Seymour Hoffman who died of an accidental heroin overdose at the peak of his career. We’ve grieved the many shootings that have killed countless children and adults in the US and Canada over the past few years. And of course, there was the horror of 9/11. Sudden, shocking change is the norm, not the exception, but still, we continue to tell ourselves that life is stable and straightforward.

Change is real; control is an illusion

Change is the nature of reality. Everything is always in flux and if we don’t accept this, we risk being totally overwhelmed when we’re finally faced with our own personal version of sudden, shocking change. Covid-19 is teaching us an important life truth and we’d all do well to heed it. We need to give up our illusion of control and security and accept that reality is a lot more unpredictable than we’d like.

It’s also clearer than ever now that money, power and position won’t protect anyone from life’s difficulties, and especially not from falling ill with Covid-19. Movie stars and athletes have it. Even Charles, the Prince of Wales, just tested positive. No-one is immune. This should be ample evidence that life is never completely safe or secure, no matter who or where we are.

Some people will say that it’s a terrifying prospect to accept the uncertainty and instability of life. They might call this fear-mongering, but that’s far from the truth. In fact, when we accept that life is not as comfortable and controllable as we wish, we become empowered to deal more effectively with every difficulty we might face.

Pretending to ourselves that it’s all going to be fine can be a dangerous delusion. It’s like the kids running around on the beach in Miami during the pandemic who believe that nothing can happen to them. They’re in for a huge shock when they pass on the virus to their parents or grandparents and their family members start getting sick or even dying.

Holding on to control promotes anxiety and ill-health

When we maintain the illusion of control, we become extremely anxious whenever we can’t be in control. Right now, many people are more anxious than necessary because they’re holding tight to the belief that control is possible, and this anxiety leads to stress that paradoxically, weakens our immune system.

Letting go of the notion of control can alleviate a considerable amount of our anxiety and will promote better emotional and physical well-being.

We can’t ever be in control but what we can always do is be prepared. We can be fully present in each moment, seeing what’s actually in front of us. We can connect to our feelings and needs, which will guide us to the most appropriate actions. In this way, we’ll gain the confidence and self-trust that will support us in these ever more uncertain times.

We can take the opportunity right now to acknowledge a larger truth; that life is always uncertain and uncontrollable. We can never really know what’s around the next corner, and we can’t prevent it from coming. Covid-19 has clearly demonstrated this. We also need to give up our fantasy that living in a first-world country will protect us from harm.

Facing this truth will be better, ultimately, for our emotional and physical well-being and it will prepare us to meet whatever challenges arise in our lives, now and in the future.

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