Graham Parke's Blog, page 6
April 5, 2010
Rejection Letter Blues?
Beyond the Books interviews Graham Parke on the darker aspects of writing:
How do rejection letters make you feel and what do you do to overcome the blows?
[Graham:] Well, by the time you receive a rejection letter, five more queries need to be out the door. And, as each query is obviously more brilliant than the last, carrying with it much more of that unrejectable quality that you’ve been developing, your hopes are set on those. The actual rejections, well, those were just practice queries. If you’re lucky, you get a personalized rejection. These will help you fine-tune new query letters, or even, if necessary, the novel itself.
Read the entire interview on Beyond the Books.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
How do rejection letters make you feel and what do you do to overcome the blows?
[Graham:] Well, by the time you receive a rejection letter, five more queries need to be out the door. And, as each query is obviously more brilliant than the last, carrying with it much more of that unrejectable quality that you’ve been developing, your hopes are set on those. The actual rejections, well, those were just practice queries. If you’re lucky, you get a personalized rejection. These will help you fine-tune new query letters, or even, if necessary, the novel itself.
Read the entire interview on Beyond the Books.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
April 1, 2010
What you should probably know about my toes...
I may not like a lot about myself, but I do happen to believe I have great toes. They are extremely shapely; not too long, not too fat, and with good, solid joints. In fact, I’m seriously considering leaving them to science.
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
March 30, 2010
2010's only novel without sexy vampires -- part II
Back to the good ol' days of Part I.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
March 27, 2010
Decisions
She: Maybe we should start growing apart...
Me: I guess we could give that a try.
Me: I guess we could give that a try.
March 26, 2010
2010's only novel without sexy vampires
Mr. Parke, my editor tells me that you’ve written a book that doesn’t feature a single vampire. Surely this is a miscommunication?
No, that's entirely correct.
So, you mean to say that you've written a self-help book?
No, it’s fiction. It just doesn’t have any vampires.
I’m not sure I understand. Are you telling us it doesn’t actually have a story?
There is a story, it’s just a story about people who are, each and every one of them, not vampires.
So, there are no action scenes, then, and no semi-erotic entanglements?
There are. Just not with vampires.
I have to say, that’s extraordinary. How did you come up with such an original concept?
It just came to me one day. I wrote it down and it worked.
Did you write the story first, and then take out all the vampires?
No. There were no vampires. Ever. Right from the first draft, it was entirely vampire-less.
Amazing. Now, while I applaud your originality on some level, I have to ask; who on earth do you intend to sell this to? Don’t you know that readers want vampires?
I think there are still readers out there who enjoy a good tale, even if it doesn’t have any vampires. Also, readers who enjoy vampire stories might not want to read All vampires, All the time. Sometimes, I suspect, they’ll take a break. That’s where ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ comes in.
Could you tell us something more about the book? For example, how many wizards are there and are they still in high school?
There are no wizards. I can’t stress this enough; No Hope for Gomez! has no wizards, no vampires, no world-weary wise cracking detectives, and no nihilistic characters complaining lengthily about things they supposedly don’t care about.
You are not making a lot of sense right now. Please tell me, weren’t you tempted to put in just one vampire? A little one? Somewhere at the end, maybe?
No. The story really didn’t need any.
I’m so sorry, Graham, I have to cut this interview short. You are obviously delusional and I’m going to make sure you get proper medical attention. Don’t worry, we’ll help you as best we can!
Onward to Part II
March 23, 2010
Dating examined in a series of invasive blogs
"It may sound strange, but I’m twenty-seven and I’ve never been on a real date. Not a single one. Ever. I’ve gone out with girls. Had relationships. Had the occasional one-night stand. But, whenever I go out with a girl, circumstances always conspire to make it something less than an official date."
So begins a little spin-off novelette called No Date for Gomez. For a long time it lived very happily, very quietly, inside a bubble of obscurity. Now, however, one brave reviewer has shone a bright light of investigation on it, at Ebook reviews online.
"No Date for Gomez! is the most fun read I’ve had in a long time. Do yourself a favor; turn off the depressing news, skip the latest episode of Lost, and read this instead. It’ll put you in a better mood."
So begins a little spin-off novelette called No Date for Gomez. For a long time it lived very happily, very quietly, inside a bubble of obscurity. Now, however, one brave reviewer has shone a bright light of investigation on it, at Ebook reviews online.
"No Date for Gomez! is the most fun read I’ve had in a long time. Do yourself a favor; turn off the depressing news, skip the latest episode of Lost, and read this instead. It’ll put you in a better mood."
March 20, 2010
GogleIt
Lost my wallet. Looked everywhere. Finally checked Google. Found it.
March 19, 2010
Coens Brothers' film formatted in book form
Another review just came in and, again, it blew me away. This time it's Book Reviews doing the honors:
"No Hope for Gomez!" is a tale of dimwits in over their heads wrapped up in a caper that is much too dangerous for them to comprehend. In other words, it's a Coens Brothers' film formatted in book form. [:] It's outrageously quick paced and quick witted.[:]
Graham Parke's mile-a-minute writing style makes "No Hope for Gomez" a quick and unputdownable read that flies in the face of reason, and smashes against the wall of detective novels. Much of the humor boils down to one liners, but they're written and formatted to such perfection that it goes off without a hitch, and becomes the cornerstone of a great talent, and a remarkable new literary voice in the field of comedy/blog/detective novels, of which there are too few."
I especially like the 'unputdownable'. If that's not a word, it def. should be!
"No Hope for Gomez!" is a tale of dimwits in over their heads wrapped up in a caper that is much too dangerous for them to comprehend. In other words, it's a Coens Brothers' film formatted in book form. [:] It's outrageously quick paced and quick witted.[:]
Graham Parke's mile-a-minute writing style makes "No Hope for Gomez" a quick and unputdownable read that flies in the face of reason, and smashes against the wall of detective novels. Much of the humor boils down to one liners, but they're written and formatted to such perfection that it goes off without a hitch, and becomes the cornerstone of a great talent, and a remarkable new literary voice in the field of comedy/blog/detective novels, of which there are too few."
I especially like the 'unputdownable'. If that's not a word, it def. should be!
March 18, 2010
The promotional graphics
Putting together promotional graphics for an online tour. So far all I've come up with is combining quotes from my novel 'No Hope for Gomez!' with a mutilated version of the cover:
Lemme know if this hurts the 1) eyes, 2) brain, 3) delicate senses...
Lemme know if this hurts the 1) eyes, 2) brain, 3) delicate senses...
