Caleb J. Ross's Blog, page 40
February 1, 2014
Episode 004: “Why Can’t I Write,” I Write OR Inventing Trans Fat
Most writers, whether hobbyists or professionals, would defend that writing is a compulsion. Yet despite this apparent need, writers find a lot a lot of ways to procrastinate (creating this podcast being one). In this episode, three Velvet members discuss why writing is so necessary, what keeps us from writing when we know we should, what keeps us writing once we start, and how helpful are writing exercises (Writers Digest would say “very;” their bottom line depends on it).(WARNING: We like tangents. Be weary)
Episode Panelists:
Caleb/thirstygerbil (Moderator)
Mark/PocketFives
Rob/MuttersomeTaxicab
00:01:39
Episode Topic: Why aren’t you writing?!
Is getting a book on a shelf still a reasonable goal?
Writing allows us to deal with people. William S. Burroughs could only truly communicate through writing.
Writing keeps us from doing worse things to ourselves
Writing/reading offers a window to other people dealing with situations that may be similar to our own
In the same way folktales engage us, modern fiction, especially crime writing, engages us by passing on morality lessons
What inspires or motivates?
Knowing other people do it (and knowing about people like Stephen Graham Jones who writes a novel in 3 days AND has the time to keep a journal about the experience)
University writing workshops (with credit given to Tamas Dobozy and his story “The Encirclement” and Padgett Powell of The University of Florida)
Constant rejection
What are your writing goals?
Session-based word count goals
Truly writing for yourself (not for academics or any other specific audience). Academics are still skittish about an author like Paul Auster, and he’s relatively not threatening.
Rob wants to gain eligibility to apply for a grant from the Canada Council for the Arts
Have you tried writing Exercises?
Max Berry’s 500 word maximum
Shotgun writing – just sit down and go; turn off the internal editor
Binge writing – hole up in a motel for a few weeks, just you and the laptop. Create your own prison.
Blogging as a character
Gilbert Sorrentino and art as the shattered mirror
Recommendations for books on writing
Pat Walsh’s 78 Reasons Why Your Book May Never Be Published and 14 Reasons Why it Just Might
Read interviews with authors
00:33:16
Other Voices, Other Rooms
Tracks by Louise Erdrich
The Comintern: A History of the Third International by Duncan Hallas
Ulysses by James Joyce
My White Planet by Mark Anthony Jarman
2666 by Roberto Bolano
“The Encirclement” (short story) by Tamas Dobozy
Queer by William S. Burroughs
The Broken World by Tim Etchells
Tell-All by Chuck Palahniuk
00:39:51
What are you currently jamming to?
Deftones, Diamond Eyes
The Dead Weather, Sea of Cowards
Burning Love
Broken Social Scene, Forgiveness Rock Record
Dillinger Escape Plan, Option Paralysis
Murder By Death, Good Morning, Magpie
Ha Ha Tonka
Elliot Smith
Bruce Springsteen, Nebraska
00:45:26
The Lastlies:
Buy Caleb J Ross’s Charactered Pieces: stories
Rob is awaiting a response from subTerrain Magazine. Good luck!
Originally posted 5/26/2010
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January 31, 2014
5 Overlooked Considerations when Getting a Vasectomy
Oh, it’s a full Windsor. That’s where I went wrong.
Vasectomies aren’t for everyone. One needs supplies. Important are 1) a penis, 2) a couple of vas deferens, and 3) a supreme confidence that the world is adequately supplied with your brand of genetic muck. But there are additional factors to consider that may not be so obvious. So before you head off to Great Clips* for your greatest clip, think about these overlooked aspects of a vasectomy.
1. You Will Have to Tell Your Parents
Perhaps more than your wife, and even more than your Catholic congregation, you’ll have to help navigate your parents through the vasectomy acceptance…vaseceptance?**
Parents want grandkids. Lots of grandkids. It’s a numbers game. The more blood relation in the world the better chances they have to be pampered during their Pampers years.
I went with the humor route. Seriously, this is how I told my mother: on a card, in a bouquet of flowers for her birthday.
Notice that the card isn’t typed. It’s handwritten. Some old lady actually had to write this.
It says: “Happy Birthday, Mom. I’m getting a vasectomy. It has nothing to do with you or your birthday. A birthday card seemed like an appropriate way spill those beans. Though understand that no beans shall be spilled in the future.”
2. Bring a Jockstrap. Bring a Jockstrap. Bring a Jockstrap.
Wait, could you elaborate on MUST HAVE?
I was told by my doctor and his nurse not once, not twice, not four times, but three times to bring a jockstrap to the procedure. The nurse’s exact words were “not tight boxer briefs. It must be a proper jockstrap.”
Silly me, I always thought of a jock strap as a redundant piece of underwear. I have boxer briefs and, if necessary, a free hand that can be molded into a protective cup shape. Little did I know that jockstraps also work as handy vascetomized testis hammocks.
3. You will have to shave your own balls
Shit, I shaved the abdomen hair. Can I glue it back on?
From the actual “Pre-Operative Vasectomy Instructions” document: On the night before surgery, shave the upper scrotal area [1] The hair should be removed from the base of the penis (leave the hair on the abdomen) [2], down over the scrotum. On the morning of surgery, shower and wash the scrotal area with soap and water [3].
[1] I’ve owned a scrotum for several years and not once have I been forced to ponder which part would be considered the “upper” part. I assume we’re talking anterior, but it’s possible we’re dealing with a ventral situation, if I’m laying down during the operation, as I assumed I would be.
[2] Why exactly is it important to leave hair on the abdomen? Without this strange parenthetical I would have assumed I could stop shaving once I get outside the immediate scrotum/penis base vicinity. But now I wonder if leaving hair on the abdomen is somehow integral to the success of the operation. If I shave my abdomen, will my pregnancy contributions somehow increase?
[3] Soap AND water? Is the president going to be watching, or something?
I imagine this washing directive is less a surgical instrument sterility consideration and more a simple courtesy to the doctor, the same way turning your head and coughing has nothing to do with the actual hernia test. Doctors simply don’t want to be coughed on.
After the operation I asked the doctor if my shave job was adequate. I can proudly say that I followed instructions perfectly.
4. Small Talk is Important..I Mean, Uh, Huge Talk. Yeah, Huge Talk.
So doc, how about this weather? Also, which one of those is going to reroute my manhood?
I informed the doctor and his nurse before the surgery that I’m a bit of a wuss. Needles make me go pale. Blood, especially my own, brings me to near faint. In fact, these wuss-like characteristics might be responsible for the unimpressed reactions I often received when I spoke of my forthcoming vasectomy. A common exchange:
Me: “I’m getting a vasectomy.”
Everyone: “Yeah, that makes sense.”
You’ve never known how important small talk is until you’re using it to distract yourself from the pain of a knife rearranging your male fallopian tubes while trying to avoid the embarrassment of a having a nurse stare down your taint like a baseball umpire eyeing the strike zone.
Small talked helped occupy my attention. The doctor asked me about my kids, about work, where I’ve lived, and so on. I appreciated that.
Then, the doctor asked if I wanted to see the specimen. Part of me thought the doctor was being funny, considering my admitted wussiness. I could respect that. The other part of me hated him. A third, smaller part, wondered if “specimen” was perhaps a bit grandiose considering we’re essentially dealing with a cut tip from a coffee stirrer, not an ebola virus zero patient.
I hesitated to view the snipped tubeling. But “sure” I said, “I’ll look at a spent bullet casing in a jar as long as I can’t accidentally glimpse the entire war zone.” What did the specimen look like? Imagine a single grain of quinoa dipped in marinara sauce. Now imagine the next time you eat quinoa and marinara sauce that you’re eating my vas deferen.
Speaking of eating human flesh…
5. You’ll be hungry
Brains! Kidding, it’s not a brain.
A vasectomy requires six hours of fasting. No food. No drink. Now, I’m not a raging food addict, but when hunger is paired with anxiety, I get extra grumpy and somehow extra hungry. By the time of my operation I was so hungry that the cauterized burning flesh smell emanating from under my Fromunda area could have signified an edible–though still very much not ideal–meal. I started to understand the zombie mentality.
After the operation, my evening forked with two equally important objectives: 1) get food and 2) get my pain prescription filled before the pharmacy closed. Factor in the sudden ice storm and the resulting slow traffic and those two objectives become even harder to prioritize.
I had to choose: food or pills. I chose food: the Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket. There’s your new demographic Arby’s: 30-year old post vasectomized men (and the wives who have to drive them from the doctor’s office).
Luckily, I got the pills too. I’m writing this on two tablets of Acetaminophen with Codeine. While not comfortable, at least I’m helping you better understand a few overlooked aspects of the vasectomy.
* * *
As I dressed myself after the operation I said to the doctor and his nurse, “I can’t say the experience has been pleasurable, but you two made it easier. There were times I almost forgot you were rooting around in my ball sack.”
Seriously, if ever the doctor and nurse who operated on me read this post, I can’t say thank you enough. You were incredibly personable and you made the entire experience as comfortable as it could possible be. Thanks.
* * *
*Yes, I said “wife” here. I assume it’s still PC for me to assume a vasectomy is an operation considered only by heterosexual couples. Though, I’d love to see a comedy skit where a gay man asks his partner to get a vasectomy. Maybe the guy doesn’t understand pregnancy and the conversation forces him to reconsider whether or not he’s actually gay. Key & Peele, get on this. Also, vaseceptance: Trademarked.
**Great Clips doesn’t actually deal in scrotal puncturing. Fantastic Sams, though, they offer it to everyone as part of their cut, wash, and cauterize package.
Zombie image credit: http://www.wazaap.com/2012/09/14/pennsylvania-cannibal-caught-eating-womans-head/
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January 26, 2014
Infinite Jest – The Definitely Prepared to Discuss Book Club Discussion Series
So…a book club, huh, that I’m leading because, well, I definitely read this book. All of the words. So if you too read all of the words in Infinite Jest then join me as I extrapolate meaning and wonder from this book.
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January 24, 2014
Immobility by Brian Evenson – Video Book Review
Immobility is about an amnesiac man named Horkai, and in typical amnesic style Horkai begins this novel having no idea who he is, where he is, or who those around him are. So, he must trust the word of those around him, namely a man named Rasmus. Rasmus tells Horkai that he has been brought out of a cryogenic state after 30 or so years and must go on a mission to retrieve something for Rasmus. So, Horkai does.
Now the first half of the novel plays around with Horkai’s alternating discovery of and hesitation to accept his surrounds. It’s a typical blank memory novel for a while. But then, the novel quickly becomes so much more. It becomes, what I interpret, as a commentary on organized religion, specifically the aggressive, and perhaps selfish, nature of religions missionaries.
See, during Horkai’s journey, he finds people who seem very willing, eager even, to help him. They seem trustworthy. And each time, the reader is lulled into a sense of trust. We want to believe these people are truly out to help Horkai. But they never are.
Evenson’s own struggles with organized religion are documented online, so I won’t go into them here, but this book feels to me like perhaps his most personal. And this includes The Open Curtain which very much plays with the conventions of Mormonism, and until Immobility, I would have called his most religion-conscious book. And what’s interesting is that Immobility does this without overtly calling attention to itself as an exploration of religion.
So even if you don’t like long form detestation of religion–all two of you out there, right, because I know you guys like to party heathen style–even if you don’t like this kind of book, don’t discount it. There’s a lot more to love here. For instance, the story takes place in an alternate history setting, post-apocalyptic, similar to Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. The main character, Horkai, has no legs and must be carried by two people who are referred to as mules, and who refer to Horkai as a burden. Mix in a bit of The Matrix, some sci-fi elements, and sprinkle a bit of pestled viagra, which must be in there because I was rock hard while reading this.
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January 19, 2014
5 Tie Hacks
I don’t wear ties that often. Hell, I barely know how to tie a tie. But I do own a lot of them. So proper tie storage isn’t something I want to spent a ton of money on. Over the years I’ve developed a few tie storage hacks (like life hacks, but for ties) that have kept my ties and my wallet looking great.
Do you have any tie hacks of your own? Share them below.
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You Choose Your Free Book – 1,000 Subscriber Milestone
I’ve reached 1,000 subscribers! This is a big deal for me. For many YouTube channels 1,000 subscribers is something that happens within weeks. For me it’s taken just over 2 years. I don’t make the most accessible videos, I know. I make videos about books (strike 1) that many people have never heard of (strike 2) that tend to be longer than 1 ½ minutes (strike 3). The fact that I reached 1,000 subscribers at all is a bit of a miracle.
To celebrate this milestone I’m doing something special. I’m giving away books. If you are a YouTuber, all you have to do is make a video for your channel that promotes my channel. Let me know when the video is posted. Then, I send you any book you want (within monetary reason; I’m not rich).
I want to thank every one of my 1,000+ subscribers for looking forward to my videos. And I want to thank my 77,000+ viewers for watching. You have no idea how happy you make me.
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January 11, 2014
Reading Brian Evenson to my 4 year old
Four years ago I read a passage from Brian Evenson’s creepy story “Eye” to my toddler (watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S522l...). I revisit the experience to see if my child’s reaction to and perceptions of the story have changed.
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6 Awareness Events in January You Might Not Be Aware Of
The new year greets us with a few laughably dumb awareness events. Join me and Wichita-based stand up comedian Doug Wilson as we discuss 6 such events…well, that’s not true; not all of the 6 are dumb. But with our commentary, they sure seem dumb.
Visit Doug: http://www.gigsalad.com/doug_wilson_w...
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January 4, 2014
The first glimpse at the novel in-progress, live at The Dying Goose
Damn, just when I was sitting down to do some honest writing on this novel that I’m way far behind on (on my admittedly self-appointed deadline), I get the news that my story “We’ll Learn Together” is now live in the new issue of The Dying Goose, meaning I’ve got to announce the publication to the world. #egoproblems. Be sure to read the rest of the stories, too, especially “Commute” by my fellow The Velvet Born Chris Deal.
I suppose it’s fitting though that if time is being robbed by this publication announcement post that it would be for “We’ll Learn Together” as the story will likely make its way into the very novel that I’m not currently writing. So, I guess you faithful readers out there can consider this story the first glimpse at what will become my first novel in 3 years (minimum; it’s impossible to say how long the novel will take to write, let alone actually get published).
The story focuses on a single encounter between Michael, a reporter; Iola, a source for a book Michael is writing; and a professor from Michael’s University days. But this is no casual encounter. Michael, having just learned that his book project may be responsible for sending a man to his death, turns to his professor for some ethical guidance. The professor, unfortunately for Michael, isn’t very helpful. Also, Iola just minutes prior, stabbed a guy and left him to die on her front porch.
I’m excited by the novel. I swear, I think this will be my masterpiece.
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January 3, 2014
Not for Nothing by Stephen Graham Jones – Video Book Review
Reading Stephen Graham Jones is like being on a manhunt for a double amputee. Even when I get him, I don’t get all of him.
Nick Bruiseman is a has-been PI who lives in a storage locker in Stanton, Texas. A small town, 3,000 people, where everyone knows everyone. So when Bruiseman gets hired, things turn incestuous quickly.
The book will be released in March 2014. If you are a fan of detective novels and oral storytelling, then I definitely recommend it. But know, you’re going to have to work for your reward.
I’ve read a lot of Stephen Graham Jones (show stack), and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed just about all of it.
Jones is an evasive storyteller, very difficult to pin down and with plots that are often difficult to follow. And I think with Not For Nothing, his 18th book, I’ve finally figured out why.
First, his very conversational approach to storytelling, much like one would imagine a storyteller around a campfire. His sentences are often very beautiful, but made so by disregarding some grammatical conventions. He’s fine with sentence fragments and orders extra commas like their free. He’s an oral storyteller above all else, I think. He just happens to write the stories down.
Second, his dialog is full of non sequiturs. When used sparingly, a non sequitur can describe the relationship between characters better than anything else. Don DeLillo is the king of this. But when every exchange has that “inside joke” feel, it can be difficult for a reader to establish a firm footing with the characters.
Third, Jones uses very, very, very little “refresher” text, text used to reminder the reader of important characters and events. When you’re reading a 267 page book, it’s necessary to be reminded often why characters, events, or places are important, or even just to be reminded why we should care about a particular name. Jones doesn’t do this very often. I chalk this up to Jones being a mad genius. Honestly, I think Jones’ brain operates so quickly that to him, something briefly mentioned 250 pages ago is still as fresh in his mind as something mentioned 2 pages ago.
Fourth, characters are often introduced quickly only to be forgotten for full chapters before being introduced again. They aren’t allowed to stick. Now, for a book like Not for Nothing, where new names seem to pop up every few pages, I’m left trying to re-familiarize myself with characters constantly.
If all of these things seem to you like they’d contribute to a very confusing story, you’re right. His stories can be confusing. Incredibly at times. But often, that’s the appeal. Much like tracking down our aforementioned legless fugitive, the thrill for me is watch the unfamiliar and at times erratic escape path. To fully capture the fugitive, all four limbs intact, might not be very satisfying. Because then you’ve got just another convict in custody. Where’s the fun in that? Who wants to read just another detective story?
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