5 Overlooked Considerations when Getting a Vasectomy

Oh, it’s a full Windsor. That’s where I went wrong.

Vasectomies aren’t for everyone. One needs supplies. Important are 1) a penis, 2) a couple of vas deferens, and 3) a supreme confidence that the world is adequately supplied with your brand of genetic muck. But there are additional factors to consider that may not be so obvious. So before you head off to Great Clips* for your greatest clip, think about these overlooked aspects of a vasectomy.

 1. You Will Have to Tell Your Parents

Perhaps more than your wife, and even more than your Catholic congregation, you’ll have to help navigate your parents through the vasectomy acceptance…vaseceptance?**

Parents want grandkids. Lots of grandkids. It’s a numbers game. The more blood relation in the world the better chances they have to be pampered during their Pampers years.

I went with the humor route. Seriously, this is how I told my mother: on a card, in a bouquet of flowers for her birthday.

Notice that the card isn’t typed. It’s handwritten. Some old lady actually had to write this.

It says: “Happy Birthday, Mom. I’m getting a vasectomy. It has nothing to do with you or your birthday. A birthday card seemed like an appropriate way spill those beans. Though understand that no beans shall be spilled in the future.”

 2. Bring a Jockstrap. Bring a Jockstrap. Bring a Jockstrap.

Wait, could you elaborate on MUST HAVE?

I was told by my doctor and his nurse not once, not twice, not four times, but three times to bring a jockstrap to the procedure. The nurse’s exact words were “not tight boxer briefs. It must be a proper jockstrap.”

Silly me, I always thought of a jock strap as a redundant piece of underwear. I have boxer briefs and, if necessary, a free hand that can be molded into a protective cup shape. Little did I know that jockstraps also work as handy vascetomized testis hammocks.

3. You will have to shave your own balls

Shit, I shaved the abdomen hair. Can I glue it back on?

From the actual “Pre-Operative Vasectomy Instructions” document: On the night before surgery, shave the upper scrotal area [1] The hair should be removed from the base of the penis (leave the hair on the abdomen) [2], down over the scrotum. On the morning of surgery, shower and wash the scrotal area with soap and water [3].

[1] I’ve owned a scrotum for several years and not once have I been forced to ponder which part would be considered the “upper” part. I assume we’re talking anterior, but it’s possible we’re dealing with a ventral situation, if I’m laying down during the operation, as I assumed I would be.

[2] Why exactly is it important to leave hair on the abdomen? Without this strange parenthetical I would have assumed I could stop shaving once I get outside the immediate scrotum/penis base vicinity. But now I wonder if leaving hair on the abdomen is somehow integral to the success of the operation. If I shave my abdomen, will my pregnancy contributions somehow increase?

[3] Soap AND water? Is the president going to be watching, or something?

I imagine this washing directive is less a surgical instrument sterility consideration and more a simple courtesy to the doctor, the same way turning your head and coughing has nothing to do with the actual hernia test. Doctors simply don’t want to be coughed on.

After the operation I asked the doctor if my shave job was adequate. I can proudly say that I followed instructions perfectly.

4. Small Talk is Important..I Mean, Uh, Huge Talk. Yeah, Huge Talk.

So doc, how about this weather? Also, which one of those is going to reroute my manhood?

I informed the doctor and his nurse before the surgery that I’m a bit of a wuss. Needles make me go pale. Blood, especially my own, brings me to near faint. In fact, these wuss-like characteristics might be responsible for the unimpressed reactions I often received when I spoke of my forthcoming vasectomy. A common exchange:

Me: “I’m getting a vasectomy.”

Everyone: “Yeah, that makes sense.”

You’ve never known how important small talk is until you’re using it to distract yourself from the pain of a knife rearranging your male fallopian tubes while trying to avoid the embarrassment of a having a nurse stare down your taint like a baseball umpire eyeing the strike zone.

Small talked helped occupy my attention. The doctor asked me about my kids, about work, where I’ve lived, and so on. I appreciated that.

Then, the doctor asked if I wanted to see the specimen. Part of me thought the doctor was being funny, considering my admitted wussiness. I could respect that. The other part of me hated him. A third, smaller part, wondered if “specimen” was perhaps a bit grandiose considering we’re essentially dealing with a cut tip from a coffee stirrer, not an ebola virus zero patient.

I hesitated to view the snipped tubeling. But “sure” I said, “I’ll look at a spent bullet casing in a jar as long as I can’t accidentally glimpse the entire war zone.” What did the specimen look like? Imagine a single grain of quinoa dipped in marinara sauce. Now imagine the next time you eat quinoa and marinara sauce that you’re eating my vas deferen.

Speaking of eating human flesh…

5. You’ll be hungry

Brains! Kidding, it’s not a brain.

A vasectomy requires six hours of fasting. No food. No drink. Now, I’m not a raging food addict, but when hunger is paired with anxiety, I get extra grumpy and somehow extra hungry. By the time of my operation I was so hungry that the cauterized burning flesh smell emanating from under my Fromunda area could have signified an edible–though still very much not ideal–meal. I started to understand the zombie mentality.

After the operation, my evening forked with two equally important objectives: 1) get food and 2) get my pain prescription filled before the pharmacy closed. Factor in the sudden ice storm and the resulting slow traffic and those two objectives become even harder to prioritize.

I had to choose: food or pills. I chose food: the Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket. There’s your new demographic Arby’s: 30-year old post vasectomized men (and the wives who have to drive them from the doctor’s office).

Luckily, I got the pills too. I’m writing this on two tablets of Acetaminophen with Codeine. While not comfortable, at least I’m helping you better understand a few overlooked aspects of the vasectomy.

* * *

As I dressed myself after the operation I said to the doctor and his nurse, “I can’t say the experience has been pleasurable, but you two made it easier. There were times I almost forgot you were rooting around in my ball sack.”

Seriously, if ever the doctor and nurse who operated on me read this post, I can’t say thank you enough. You were incredibly personable and you made the entire experience as comfortable as it could possible be. Thanks.

* * *

*Yes, I said “wife” here. I assume it’s still PC for me to assume a vasectomy is an operation considered only by heterosexual couples. Though, I’d love to see a comedy skit where a gay man asks his partner to get a vasectomy. Maybe the guy doesn’t understand pregnancy and the conversation forces him to reconsider whether or not he’s actually gay. Key & Peele, get on this. Also, vaseceptance: Trademarked.

**Great Clips doesn’t actually deal in scrotal puncturing. Fantastic Sams, though, they offer it to everyone as part of their cut, wash, and cauterize package.

Zombie image credit: http://www.wazaap.com/2012/09/14/pennsylvania-cannibal-caught-eating-womans-head/

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