Phil Torcivia's Blog, page 16

Do you want to know a secret?

"This is fun. Tell me something about you that nobody else knows, Hank."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course."
"All right. While riding the commuter train, I like to put on sunglassesand stare at the chests of strange women, picturing how their breasts look."
"OK, that's creepy."
"Ah, you see, it's only creepy depending on the woman. As long as she isbetween eighteen and sixty, it's fine …"
"Not really."
"… if she's also attracted to me."
"Oh."
"Seriously. If she's attracted to me, she'll find it flattering andpossibly stimulating."
"And if she's not?"
"How am I supposed to know if a stranger is attracted to me? It's justsome harmless imagination on my part."
"Still creepy."
"Fine. Well, you asked. Your turn."
"I like to eat dry cereal straight from the box while I watch TV."
"Jesus."
"What?"
"That's a fucking secret nobody knows?"
"I'm a private person."
"You suck at this game."
"I do not."
"Fine, I'll continue with my thing until you get the hint. I stare atthe boobs and wonder how lopsided they are and which one is bigger. I wonder ifthey're O-shaped or U-shaped. I guesstimate the size and color of the areolas.I wonder if they have tan marks or moles."
"This is how you spend your commute?"
"A-firm-a-tit … I mean, affirmative."
"Sick."
"If I told you my secret was that I spend my commute playing Words with Friends or checking if my retirementfund has reached zero yet, how exciting would that be?"
"I can bring myself to orgasm by squeezing an orthopedic pillow betweenmy thighs."
"…"
"Well, Hank?"
"I'm stunned."

Shameless – Hey, look at me!

If you're going to sit around waiting for someone else to toot your flute, you'd better have a good book to read to help you pass the time. (Have I mentioned my book, What a Nice Guy , is available and free at Amazon today?) You can't wait for attention and praise; you need to stand up to be noticed.

I can think of only three cases where you'll have someone speak up on your behalf:

At your wedding. That's quite an investment for a bit of glass tink-tink-tinking and a silly speech by the best man, who knows you so well that he needs to read the words from the back of a champagne-soaked gift receipt.At your retirement. You think you're popular and will be dearly missed by your coworkers. Untrue. You know who is popular? The intern who wears the short skirts and had an accidental nipple exposure at this year's holiday party.At your funeral. An inebriated priest will ramble on about what a wonderful person you were as people stand around thinking about how much it would suck to be you right now, while anxiously awaiting the unveiling of the cold cut platters.Social media isn't the best place to pound your chest. (Although, I heard there's one cool fan page—I recall it's something like Facebook.com/SuchaNiceGuy.) Actually, I prefer to know what you had for breakfast to seeing another picture of your kids (not cute) and dogs (so gross) doing unspectacular things. I have no kids or dogs, but I do have lovely cats (@SydTorcivia and @SymonTorcivia) that don't bark but usually bury their doo-doos and make clever, racist jokes at each other's expense on Twitter.

Here are more ideas for you to consider:
Wear a t-shirt with "Free to a good home. Shots current and neutered."Run a paid search campaign on Google under keywords including awesome, cute, wonderful, fantastic, majestic, person of the year, saintly, and hung/tight (one or the other, people). Do not run any ads under the search term "nice" unless you're as nice as I am, which is highly unlikely. Sorry.If you're in southern California, hire a sign spinner to post up in front of your home with a sign reading, "A brilliant person lives here. Please leave flowers."Your rear windshield has so much wasted space. Grab a bar of Ivory soap and write a little ode to self. How about "Not only am I a talented driver; I smell good too"?Get a cover for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad that reads, "Look at the big brain on me."Too many conference nametags go to waste. Where does it say you need to be attending a conference in order to wear one? Go to Staples and buy a stack. From now on, part of your morning routine will be pasting a nametag on your chest that says, "Hello, I'm magnificent."

Isn't this excellent advice? See? This writer must be talented. Boy, if I were you I'd be remiss to let the day pass without picking up a FREE (no shipping fees or tax either) eBook by this brilliant author: What a Nice Guy by @PhilTorcivia.

A Girlfriend for Christmas (some assembly required).

As I consider buying my Christmas gift from Santa to me, I must consider just how much work is involved in getting it under the tree before I wake up Christmas morning. Yes, living alone is complicated and somewhat disturbing. Still, I have tools and a touch of smarts. I can do this.

This year's gift may be a fancy thing I stumbled upon called: Girlfriend.

The picture on the outside was compelling. There was no significant wear and tear except for a few dents and bit of sun damage. Perhaps the last person who handled it was a little rough. Although no batteries were required, it came with batteries. Fascinating. There was also a note saying it was suitable for ages eighteen and older. As expected, there was some assembly required using common household tools.

I'm equipped—perhaps not "well equipped," but equipped nonetheless.

I loaded the gift into my cart and struggled to balance it as I approached the cashier, who was cute until she wrinkled her nose at my purchase. Perhaps she felt I was too old to take full advantage of that particular model. I didn't appreciate the attitude, so no tip for that apron-wearing killjoy.

Once I got the box out to my Jeep, it started making noises. It sounded like it said, "That barbed wire license plate cover is gay." Surely, minor adjustment to my toy (not my Jeep) was required. I opened the door, loaded the toy, and headed home, anxious to enjoy my new Girlfriend. During the ride I heard another disturbing noise from the box: "You realize you're speeding, don't you? The speed limit is thirty-five." I was tempted to u-turn and return it, but sighed and sped up so my toy learned who was boss.

When I opened it on my living room floor and spread the parts to begin assembly, I made some interesting observations:
There was substantial damage caused by the designer, toymakers, previous owners, and plastic specialists.The toy insisted it was too cold to operate properly. After I adjusted the thermostat, the toy said it was too warm. This wasted much time. I needed much beer.It didn't approve of my décor and insisted I "lose the poker table and fuzzy comforter."Its hair changed length and color frequently.For proper operation, the toy required significant amounts of red wine, yogurt, and facial cream.All sorts of loose parts were in the bottom of the box, including nails, earrings, and eyelashes.Although it came with many accessories, it required brand new shoes and purses. When I sought a reason why, the toy said, "Because."The toy warned me that its previous owner wants it back.It insisted I change the music playing, the TV channel, and my jeans.I couldn't pry the phone from its hand.
I don't think I'm ready for this toy even though I've been a good boy. A bottle of Silver Oak would bring me more joy.

I'll be fat for Christmas.

This is not the month to practice restraint. Baby carrots? Cottage cheese? Michelob Ultra? What? Not when there are bowls of these devilish delights called Pretzel M&Ms around. Why should we deprive ourselves? How much irreparable damage can we do in two, short weeks anyway? This will lead up perfectly to our New Year's resolution. If we don't pack pounds on now, the success of our resolution will be hard to measure.

Here are some goodies we need to seek and hoard, especially when fat Uncle Tommy is hovering near the buffet:
Cream cheese and salami roll-ups – These can easily be stacked like Jenga blocks and devoured.Deviled eggs – Sprinkle some extra paprika on them and deliver an nasty egg burp to make your niece giggle.Pot stickers – Who cares what's inside? Dunk them in duck sauce and down the hatch!Candy – This is why you have pockets. Make sure the coast is clear and load away. Left pockets are for jellybeans and right pockets are for chocolate. I'd avoid the nonpareils or you'll be finding melted sugar dots in your slacks.Sandwiches made from cheese cubes and Doritos – Throw in some ranch dressing for fun.Artichoke dip – When fragile pita is foolishly served by an inconsiderate host, grab a spoon. Shovel in a lump of dip and then bite a stale pita crisp. Mission accomplished.Meatballs – Wait a minute. Are you wearing white? Hm. OK, do not bite the meatball or you're going to be wearing it. Shove the entire burger pop into your mouth. For added flavor, roll the tasty ball in red pepper flakes or parmesan.Assorted Liquors – Nothing you drink at a party should be sans alcohol unless you're pregnant. I suggest adding Bailey's to your coffee. It's more fun than creamer and only a few million calories.Olives – Any host who serves plain olives is uncultured. Olives must be stuffed, and not just with boring pimentos. Pack them with bleu cheese, garlic, and anchovies. Don't you dare wrinkle that nose, young lady. Anchovies are seafood, which even Dr. Oz says is good for you.Pigs-in-a-Blanket – These take various forms depending which coast you are on. Halupkis (stuffed cabbage) are my favorite and I highly recommend them with a side of Beano.Skip the gym, Sugarcookie. These two weeks of indulgences are your rewards for the goodies you passed up all year. As you perform your bedtime tooth-brushing, admire your handy work in the mirror and be proud of those jiggles. If you have a bed warmer, that fucker had better be on the same program or you'll need to kick his vinaigrette-eating ass to the curb. I have little patience for skinny pricks during the holidays.

Now, mangia!

Bachelors and bachelorettes have talent, America.

When this popped up on my Facebook stream, I admit I felt it deserved further investigation. The teaser said it featured two stars from The Bachelor showing their Cirque du Soleil skills. I love those pliable clowns wearing all that makeup. The Cirque performers are talented too.

How could I resist?

I clicked, viewed, and realized it's as sensible as a picture of me tossing a crumpled piece of paper showing my skill of throwing 100MPH fastballs. Stupid. In the picture, Tenley and Kypton (ew, their names even annoy me) are playing a dumb game of airplane that children play. It's not cute; it's dangerous.

Sure, the picture shows Tennie beaming as she soars over freakishly strong Kyppie, but we all need to know what happened next!
She fell and smashed the dog, which means no more dog-sitting jobs for the talented duo.One of her earrings came loose and lodged itself in Kyppie's throat.She took it up a notch by adding the other fun game of letting a spit pendulum hang toward his face and sucking it back just before it touches his nose.She fell backwards and smashed the TV.They realized a strange person was in the home kneeling next to them while holding a camera and simultaneously screamed.Tennie noticed that Kyppie left his "god damn sneakers" under the sofa again.Kyppie realized his pink toenail polish could use some retouching.They chest-bumped and began planning how to spend all the money they were paid for the "exclusive."See the exclusive picture and article on WetPaint.com.

How to be a little rough in the sack.

I've finished the informative book, Just F*ck Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (AGuide for Couples) by Eve Kingsley. I must admit I feel slightly bruisedand dirty. Ah, I kid. It is an interesting book with many concepts foreign to anice guy like me.

Eve makes sure the goofy apemen who read her book are clear about thedistinction between being aggressive in a stimulating way and causing injury.To a certain point, that's subjective. The main lesson is there must be clearlines of communication and frequent feedback. Obviously, there's a bigdifference between a rape fantasy and rape.

Nobody said this would be easy.

1. Spanking – In the odd situation where I spank (morelike tap) a lover, I find myself reflexively raising my guard in case shewheels around and clocks me in the choppers. Eve recommends the spank besandwiched by caressing. All right, but that never prevents my girlish squealwhen I receive a shot (not the tasty kind served with a lime).

2. Pinning Her Arms Down – Men, when you're on top, grabboth her wrists and pin them behind her head. Make sure your legs are insidehers or you may take a knee to the jobbers. I also like to add in necknibbling, unless she's wearing a wool scarf; it's itchy.

3. Dirty Talk – I work with too many words to enjoy thiswithout giggling or correcting her grammar. I don't like being called names,other than "The Luscious Italian Tripod." For some odd reason, there are womenwho don't mind (or rather enjoy) being called one of more the following duringintercourse:
a. Slut
b. Whore (or 'Ho in certain parts)
c. Dirty
d. Naughty
e. Slave
f. Servant
g. Filthy
h. Mommy
i. Bad
j. Evil

4. Kamimaze Sex – OK, I made this name up. Chicks gettingly when they see that stairwell quick-bang in the movie Unfaithful.This is one time when the man isn't penalized for unloading in under a minute.When she least expects it and still wants it (good luck figuring that one out),shove her up against the wall/staircase, yank down her bottoms, and grind herinto the drywall/carpet. You'll probably cause some brush burns, so haveNeosporin handy. NOTE: Please don't do this at the office, daycare center, orin my kitchen.

5. Role Playing – Grown people do this? Really? Not juston Halloween? Reality has a way of obscuring fantasy and ruining the fun forme. Hey, whatever gets your blood pooling. You can play master/servant,maid/butler, coach/player (except in central Pennsylvania),quarterback/cheerleader, priest/confessor, officer/criminal, prom king/promqueen, or bar slut/bar player. Ooh, how about this one: author/reader? Saucy!

Could your love life use some freshening? Bring home lotions, toys, and liquor;mix in a little kink; and postpone your mate's consideration of trading yourboring ass in for a pug, hobby, or more open-minded lover.

Places to meet your soul mate.

Itstrikes me as ironic when I meet a woman in a bar who tells me how she doesn't expectto meet anyone in a bar. Hello-o? A bar is the ideal place to meet your next mate.There you can see how well he plays with others and how well she can handle herliquor (or "truth serum," as often is the case). If there's music playing youcan study his movements to see what he'll be like in the sack. If she'sflailing her arms while wearing fingerless gloves, eighties-style, she's boundto pound the baby batter out of you. Request some Go-Go's and make your move, Bucko!
Otherplaces that (insensible) people suggest as preferable places to meet a mateinclude:Church– (*yawn*) Really? I assume this isbecause it means you share the faith. I'm here to tell you that's unlikely.One of you is going to be more superstitious than the other (read "holier thanthou") and soon you'll want to smite her.GroceryStore – People rarely go there to browse. It's get in, get the eggs, milk, and muffins,pay, and get out. Now, in the odd chance you find a smartly dressed personlingering in the personal lubricant section, it does merit furtherinvestigation.NetworkingEvent – If you're an extrovert, this can work. Then again, you've probablydated many of the people attending the event, which will turn into one, massivecock-blocking party.YouthAthletic Event – ONLY if you have children participating is this acceptable.Still, beer drinking is discouraged and children are clumsy and noisy, so I'dskip it. (Can you tell I'm childless?)Marathons– Rarely do I find myself anxious to penetrate a sweaty person wearing a kneebrace and safety-pinned number. It's better when I cause my mate to sweat without chasing her. However,two runners in one family will help you meet your medical deductible sooner.Concerts– What? I can't hear you. Did you say you love the head twat silly steppers? Inever heard of them. I said I never … oh, never mind.CoffeeShops – Zombies go to coffee shops. These people are either half-asleepor in a mid-afternoon coma. If you ask one for her number, she'll probablypunch you in the dick for startling her.Online– Ever see those fast-food burger ads? Does the burger you unwrap ever resemblethe one in the ad? No, it doesn't. Guess how closely his dating profile pictureswill match.Througha Mutual Friend – Your friends are secretly either jealous of you or annoyed byyou to some degree. If they are trying to hook you up it is because they wantto live vicariously through you or put an end to your incessant whining and petaccumulation.TheGym – We're all wearing headphones in the gym so we aren't distracted by theawful music they have piped in and the obnoxious grunts of sleeveless monkeys.It's all sign language in the gym and there's no clear way to sign that youwant to do naked pushups without risking a severe beating.Reunions– Haven't we already done this? Twenty years around these people wasn't enough?Now we have to do it every five years as well? I think not. Unless, of course,that blowjob queen you keep bragging about to your friends happens to beattending.Go to abar, people. Drink until somebody gets cute and hope the fellow patrons followsuit.

Band of Mothers vs. Band of Brothers

It was afull moon on a Saturday—a perfect night to put on my drinker's cap. Thescene: a local pub showing MMA fights. In one corner (of the pub) was a band ofbrothers who traded their weapons for lady-killing devices. They wereyoung and hungry. In another corner was a band of mothers who traded theirmundane married lives for a night on the town wearing bull's-eyes. Aconfrontation was inevitable with me stuck in the middle.
Ding!
I ask manyquestions; women like that. I do more pinging than ponging because other people'slives are more interesting than mine. When a question comes my way, I deflect andredirect. I wasn't out to sell any books last night, so I played ring announceras I interviewed the contestants.
"Theseare my friends Kari, Eve, and Beth.""So niceto meet you all. Give me the tale of the tape.""Huh?""Single,married, divorced; kids; occupation; and what-have-you. Just the facts ma'am.""We allhave teenage children.""Yes?""Karihere is divorced and she kind of has a boyfriend.""Kindof?""Herboyfriend is like twenty years younger, so …""'Nufsaid.""Eve isseparated and looking to have fun, if you know what I mean.""I do.""Beth'srelationship is complicated.""Aren'tthey all?""She'smarried, living with her husband, but they don't sleep together. They'restaying together for the kids and because it would be too expensive to split.""I mayhave heard that story somewhere before. So, these ladies are in the arena forwhat purpose?""To havefun.""Whichincludes?""I don'tknow, hooking up, I guess. I'm married so I can't relate. I'm just here as afriend.""Really?""Musthusband travels for work, that's why he isn't here.""Hm.""We'refine. I mean, he is away most of the time—like three weeks a month.""Strange.""Sure, Iwish he were around more, but …""Sounds to me like you could be joining this band of mothers soon.""Maybe."
Kari wasflirting heavily with the brothers as her teammates giggled. Then, I spoiledthe fun by pointing out the flagrant foul.
"She'sinto these young boys because there's no way she'd fall in love with one. It'ssafe sex, so to speak."
Eve wasthe most aggressive of the bunch, but she was also the most critical. Iexpected that when I noticed her designer outfit, hair extensions, and variousenhancements.
"Whatare you looking for, Eve?""Thereare only like two attractive guys in this whole place.""Nonetaken.""How doyou know you're not one of the two?""Just ahunch, sugar."
Beth wasthe rookie. Her smirks and shy smiles told me she wanted some quick naughtinesswithout complications. A toy to kiss, touch, and leave without her number wouldsuit her just fine.
"Beth, youhave a mischievous look.""I'mfeeling kind of frisky, I admit. You seem coolenough, so I can tell you."
When a woman calls me "cool enough" she means I'mnot a mating option, so she can tell me sexy, slutty stories without defendingherself. Works for me.
"Dotell.""I hadmy first ever one-night stand last weekend.""Younaughty girl.""I know!It was so bad. I felt dirty, in a good way. It was my birthday party and I wasa little tipsy. God, it was awesome sex.""Sorry Imissed it."
Themothers and brothers flirted and teased. An hour of the game is all I couldstand. I excused myself, paid my tab, and headed for the showers. I hope bothteams scored.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do youever stand in front of the mirror and think or say things about yourself you'dnever tolerate coming from another person? We all do that. It's sad. The nexttime you're tempted to seek answers from the person in the mirror, insist uponkindness.
Here,imagine I'm your mirror.
"Ugh, Ifeel fat. Why can't I lose this extra weight around the middle?""You'renot fat; you're healthy. You don't have any magazine covers to shoot, and thoseare all airbrushed anyway. I love your curves."
"Morewrinkles. I guess it's time for Botox.""Youearned every wrinkle you have and if you keep trying to smooth them out, you'regoing to make it worse. You know how you can pick out every person who has hadwork done, right? It doesn't look natural. Stop fighting it and age gracefully.People will love you with or without a few wrinkles."
"I'm sostupid. I can't believe I did that.""It wasa mistake, darling. We all make them. You will either learn from it or beatyourself up and be destined to repeat it. Why don't you forgive yourself andshrug it off?"
"I lovethis person so dearly. Why isn't my love returned?""Becausethat person is unaware, selfish, or simply not worthy. See your love as adonation and move on to a more deserving recipient."
"Gosh, Ilook horrible in this outfit. I don't know what to wear.""Actually,you look splendid, but if you feel more comfortable in something else, change.Your attitude shows more about you than your outfit does. Wear confidence andyou'll be admired."
"Everythingseems to be spinning out of control. Why can't I catch a break?""We allneed to play through our slumps. Put away that white flag, pick yourself up,and try again."
"I'm sotired of seeing all the happy couples. Why can't I find my soul mate?""Don't assumethat every couple is happy. The most attractive people are those who are happyalone because they don't place all the pressure of their happiness upon theirpartners. Do what it takes to appreciate your serenity and watch the soul matescome knocking."
"I can'tbelieve that person hurt me.""Insteadof seeing it as something he did to you,see it as something he did for himself.Few people wish to cause pain to others. They're too selfish or blind torealize the effect their actions have."
"It'soff to another depressing day at work.""Quit.Go to work and resign today, then start looking for the job you want. It's outthere. Don't worry about the salary. When you find work you love to do, the paywill come. The ideal job is  waiting for you, not waiting to come toyou."
Dowhatever it takes to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Think about howattractive a confident person is to you. You're no different. If you continue abusingyourself, you'll invite abusive people into your life. Praise yourself and you'llbe surrounded by appreciative people.
I, forone, think you're magnificent. Now, pay it forward.

An introvert's guide to attending social mixers.

If you're the life of the party who flits around filling wineglasses and karaoke request sheets, your presence is not required here. Go makesome napkin animals, deviled eggs, mini-cupcakes, or something. Seriously, goaway. Shoo!
Ah, serenity.
All my fellow introverts remain. Now we can discussstrategies to seem extroverted without turning into that annoying you-know-who(who had better not still be reading this).
You're going to be invited to parties, friend. You can'tkeep tossing random excuse after random excuse at the party hosts or you'll beleft holding your pet. Let's scratch these excuses from our repertoire:"Oh, gee, sorry. I have that thing I have to do.""Unfortunately, I'm going to be out of town.""I feel like I have a cold coming on.""I have to work.""I have another event I must attend."
The host will accept your excuse but she'll also know you'reducking her.
The next invitation you receive must be returned with the "Iwill attend" box checked. Ideally, you'll also have a plus one or more. If thehost greedily placed a line after the box reading something like, "I will bebringing [insert food and drink thingies]," I have some suggestions:Mini-carrots and mayonnaise packetsDoritosVanilla sodaBlue Jell-O cubesA bib
Now, always arrive to the party early. This is crucialbecause you need to scout the area and claim a space. I typically bring ajacket and drape it over a chair in the far corner facing the front door. Weintroverts like crowds as long as we have our people-free zone. Outdoor partiesallow for the digging of a moat. Indoor, not so much. Block yourself in withchairs, stool, and ottomans.
Since the extroverts will be dodging around the placepressing palms and patting shoulders, you'd be wise to stay put and let themcome to you. When these grown infants corner you and suggest the following, smileand say "Fuck off" with your inside-your-head voice."Are you having a good time?""Have you met my Uncle Otis? He's a hoot.""Are you feeling OK?""So, are you doing anything special for theholidays?""Are you still single? You should meet my cousinAgnes.""Why aren't you dancing?""You're totally stoned, aren't you?"
A good way to keep yourself amused while repelling thesehuman mosquitoes is to latch on to another introvert and play a little game Ilike to call, "Holy shit, who dresses you?" You take turns pointing out themost awful sweaters, jeans, shoes, and Botox blunders.
A poor strategy employed by some of my fellow introsinvolves being hunched on the sofa playing iPhone word games. It's not somuch that it's rude. We each could use a chubbier vocabulary. (In fact, go lookup "codswallop." It's a good one to deploy when Betty accuses you of beingunsociable.) The problem is it will cause premature curvature of the spine.
When the last guests arrive, it's a good time to leave. Ifyou don't leave at the busiest time, you may be stuck saying goodbye to thehosts, who will once again badger you with accusatory questions. Exits are easy. Graba beer from the cooler in the garage and keep walking. Make it a road soda.Pretend you have a call and no reception inside the house, then sneak away. Gohave a smoke. You don't smoke? Well, maybe it's a good time to start.
Be prepared for the "What happened to you?" emails andtext-messages the following day. Best to delete them and, if you're asked, say you'llcheck your junk mail folder and get back to them.