Lisa Roecker's Blog, page 10
April 6, 2012
Lisa vs. The Mouse (Part 1)
7:32 PM: I settle into the couch with my favorite blanket and a cup of hot chocolate after a long day waiting on my husband hand and foot. Yeah, he had outpatient surgery, but the whole nurse maid thing does not come naturally to me and I was freaking tired.
7:34 PM: Strange rustling noises are coming from the kitchen.
7:35 PM: "Ken?" I thought maybe my patient was digging around for percocet or something, but there was no response. My senses went on high alert.
7:36 PM: More rustling. My knees went weak. I knew in my heart that something was in my kitchen but did I really want to know what it was? No. I really, really didn't. But I had to know. You know that dumb ass girl in the horror movies who actually goes down the basement to investigate that creepy moaning noise? Yeah, that was me.
7:37 PM: I crept toward the kitchen. Well, I crept as well as anyone can in hot pink Ugg slippers. They are so tacky and yet so warm.
7:38 PM: I stood completely still on the kitchen step. Waiting for the noise to come back.
7:39 PM: Still standing.
7:40 PM: Whew, I must just be hearing things or....OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! THERE'S A $%*(*#* MOUSE ON MY COUNTER! I screamed and ran upstairs.
7:41 PM: A conversation with my husband who's currently high on painkillers and deaf in one ear:
Lisa: KEN! MOUSE! KITCHEN! COME QUICK!
Ken: Blaergh?
Lisa: MOUSE! You have to get it! Hurry!
Ken: Argh?
Lisa: MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken: Get like a box or something. You'll be fine. Garghs. *passes out*
7:43 PM: Clearly my husband wasn't a viable option. So I do what every self actualized woman does in the face of rodents. I started googling.
7:44 PM: Found this and felt vaguely better. I mean, I'm clean. My house is up for sale and I literally get on my hands and knees and scrub down my kitchen every single night. WTF mouse? The one time I leave some dishes in the sink because I've had a really long day you just decide to show up and mock me? DAMN YOU.
7:45 PM: Found this and was slightly comforted by the fact that mice are actually a tiny bit cute. Still nasty and gross, but cute.
7:46 PM: Sent SOS texts to both Laura and Stacey who are out of town for the weekend.
Lisa: MOUSE! I HAVE A MOUSE!
Laura: Oh no! I'm sure it's just one mouse. It's super cold.
Lisa: You really think?
Laura: No, I'm always wrong. Just buy a humane trap.
Lisa: Hell no. This little bitch needs to die. (See how quickly I forgot the cute factor? Yeah. Over it.)
Lisa: STACEY! HELP! MOUSE! $%*(*^ MOUSE!
Stacey: Honestly, I'd rather have a mouse than a centipede.
Lisa: ....
I mean how does one respond to a mouse/centipede comparison? It's like telling someone there's a serial killer in your house and having them text you back and say, well, at least it's not a ghost.
And so, first thing tomorrow the great mouse hunt begins. I'm going to kill that little $%*^($%.
Happy Easter! Happy Passover!
7:34 PM: Strange rustling noises are coming from the kitchen.
7:35 PM: "Ken?" I thought maybe my patient was digging around for percocet or something, but there was no response. My senses went on high alert.
7:36 PM: More rustling. My knees went weak. I knew in my heart that something was in my kitchen but did I really want to know what it was? No. I really, really didn't. But I had to know. You know that dumb ass girl in the horror movies who actually goes down the basement to investigate that creepy moaning noise? Yeah, that was me.
7:37 PM: I crept toward the kitchen. Well, I crept as well as anyone can in hot pink Ugg slippers. They are so tacky and yet so warm.
7:38 PM: I stood completely still on the kitchen step. Waiting for the noise to come back.
7:39 PM: Still standing.
7:40 PM: Whew, I must just be hearing things or....OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! THERE'S A $%*(*#* MOUSE ON MY COUNTER! I screamed and ran upstairs.
7:41 PM: A conversation with my husband who's currently high on painkillers and deaf in one ear:
Lisa: KEN! MOUSE! KITCHEN! COME QUICK!
Ken: Blaergh?
Lisa: MOUSE! You have to get it! Hurry!
Ken: Argh?
Lisa: MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken: Get like a box or something. You'll be fine. Garghs. *passes out*
7:43 PM: Clearly my husband wasn't a viable option. So I do what every self actualized woman does in the face of rodents. I started googling.
7:44 PM: Found this and felt vaguely better. I mean, I'm clean. My house is up for sale and I literally get on my hands and knees and scrub down my kitchen every single night. WTF mouse? The one time I leave some dishes in the sink because I've had a really long day you just decide to show up and mock me? DAMN YOU.
7:45 PM: Found this and was slightly comforted by the fact that mice are actually a tiny bit cute. Still nasty and gross, but cute.
7:46 PM: Sent SOS texts to both Laura and Stacey who are out of town for the weekend.
Lisa: MOUSE! I HAVE A MOUSE!
Laura: Oh no! I'm sure it's just one mouse. It's super cold.
Lisa: You really think?
Laura: No, I'm always wrong. Just buy a humane trap.
Lisa: Hell no. This little bitch needs to die. (See how quickly I forgot the cute factor? Yeah. Over it.)
Lisa: STACEY! HELP! MOUSE! $%*(*^ MOUSE!
Stacey: Honestly, I'd rather have a mouse than a centipede.
Lisa: ....
I mean how does one respond to a mouse/centipede comparison? It's like telling someone there's a serial killer in your house and having them text you back and say, well, at least it's not a ghost.
And so, first thing tomorrow the great mouse hunt begins. I'm going to kill that little $%*^($%.
Happy Easter! Happy Passover!
April 5, 2012
The Bookanistas: Puzzled By Pink
Once upon a time, I was a girly girl. The girliest of girls. I wanted my ears pierced so badly I stopped sucking my thumb when I was 5. Sure, I had my Punky Brewster/Little Orphan Annie stage where I pretended to be a tom boy, but at the end of the day I loved make-up and curling irons and dresses and anything that sparkled.
When I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I couldn't wait to start buying pink. Finally I could start shopping for frilly little dresses and tiny mary jane shoes.
And then I gave birth to Mia. Instead of worshipping me and embracing the feminine mystique, she worshipped her older brother and tells everyone who will listen that she wishes she was a boy.
I tried reading Pinkalicious, Birdie's Big Girl Shoes, all kinds of adorable books only to have her request Just Like Daddy and Captain Underpants.
Enter PUZZLED BY PINK by Sarah Frances Hardy.
From Amazon:
Not every girl loves pink
Izzie hates pink as much as her sister, Rose, loves it. So when Rose plans an all-pink birthday party with the guests dressed in fairy costumes, Izzie decides to give her own alternative party in the attic, where the guests will be monsters, spiders, ghosts, and the pet cat. But some powerful magic triggers the appearance of yet another guest - an unexpected one. This will be a party nobody forgets!
LiLa's Take:
BUY THIS BOOK. I mean it, buy this book for any upcoming birthday parties you have, Christmas presents, baby gifts. BUY THIS BOOK. The illustrations are adorable, the story is divine and a funny thing happened, as I was reading it to my 4-year-old daughter, my 6-year-old son started inching closer and closer. By the time we got to the last page Jack and Mia were laughing and pointing at the final illustration. BUY THIS BOOK because not every little girl loves pink but most of them love a great book.
When I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I couldn't wait to start buying pink. Finally I could start shopping for frilly little dresses and tiny mary jane shoes.
And then I gave birth to Mia. Instead of worshipping me and embracing the feminine mystique, she worshipped her older brother and tells everyone who will listen that she wishes she was a boy.
I tried reading Pinkalicious, Birdie's Big Girl Shoes, all kinds of adorable books only to have her request Just Like Daddy and Captain Underpants.
Enter PUZZLED BY PINK by Sarah Frances Hardy.
From Amazon:
Not every girl loves pink
Izzie hates pink as much as her sister, Rose, loves it. So when Rose plans an all-pink birthday party with the guests dressed in fairy costumes, Izzie decides to give her own alternative party in the attic, where the guests will be monsters, spiders, ghosts, and the pet cat. But some powerful magic triggers the appearance of yet another guest - an unexpected one. This will be a party nobody forgets!
LiLa's Take:
BUY THIS BOOK. I mean it, buy this book for any upcoming birthday parties you have, Christmas presents, baby gifts. BUY THIS BOOK. The illustrations are adorable, the story is divine and a funny thing happened, as I was reading it to my 4-year-old daughter, my 6-year-old son started inching closer and closer. By the time we got to the last page Jack and Mia were laughing and pointing at the final illustration. BUY THIS BOOK because not every little girl loves pink but most of them love a great book.
April 4, 2012
March 30, 2012
In Which I Learn My Daughter Does Not Test Well
"I like being told what to do."
-Laura Roecker, Middle Child, survivor of Lisa Roecker's incessant bossy pants machinations
My daughter Mia was born to be a middle child. She spent the vast majority of her first year on this earth alternating between screaming her head off and warding off a variety of illnesses that inevitably landed us in the emergency room at 3 AM. She was born with a smooshed nose which led doctors to theorize that she didn't move much in utero, a theory further proven when she failed to crawl until she was 13 months old. Her complete lack of mobility lead to physical therapy appointments that involved me sitting with Mia around a series of large plastic toys screaming at the top of her lungs while the therapist shouted at-home exercises for us to try at home. True to form, Mia stubbornly refused to participate in my half-assed attempts of home therapy. She started walking at 14 months and I'm pretty sure it was her way of giving the medical community the middle finger.
Since then Mia has continued to embrace her middle child syndrome. She accepts Jack's constant abuse with adoration. She follows around her younger cousin Lydia. Her favorite color changes every week based on what's popular with her friends at school. She trips over her own feet, she runs into glass doors and she screams whenever someone even looks at her the wrong way.
And yet, she remains the sweetest, most loyal little girl on the planet. All of her friends at school shout her name when she walks into the classroom and teachers who she hasn't seen in years rush up to say hello and tell her how much they miss having her in their classroom. As my husband is fond of saying, Mia is like a teacher's wet dream. She loves school, follows every rule and treats everyone with the kindness she wishes her older brother would show her.
So you can imagine our complete shock when we found out she failed her kindergarten entrance exam.
What's that you say? You didn't know they had entrance exams for kindergarten? Well, they do. And apparently they're like super hard. They ask things like colors, shapes, and even ask children to identify their body parts.
After we got the dismal results of this exam I happened to overhear this conversation between Mia and my husband:
Ken: So, how did you like your kindergarten visit?
Mia: Good.
Ken: Did you answer all their questions?
Mia: Yes, Daddy. The teacher said I did good.
Ken: Right, so what kind of stuff did they ask you?
Mia: I don't know.
Ken: Well, where's your elbow? Did they ask you that?
Mia: [Points to her knee]
Ken: Seriously, Mia? That's your knee, how do you not know this stuff?
Whenver I encounter Mia issues I've gotten into the habit of consulting with my very own Middle Child expert, one Laura Roecker.
Laura's response to this most recent debacle: "Oh poor, Mia! She just doesn't test well! Remember that time when I just randomly filled in all the bubbles on my California Achievement Test because my friend told me it didn't count toward my grade? Mom and Dad had me enrolled in remedial classes until high school after that."
Well, lucky for us this situation was easily resolved with Mia's preschool teacher calling the school. She feels strongly that Mia is ready for kindergarten.
In the meantime, I finally broke out the Operation game I bought the kids for Christmas. Mia will be able to identify her femur by the time I'm done with her.
-Laura Roecker, Middle Child, survivor of Lisa Roecker's incessant bossy pants machinations
My daughter Mia was born to be a middle child. She spent the vast majority of her first year on this earth alternating between screaming her head off and warding off a variety of illnesses that inevitably landed us in the emergency room at 3 AM. She was born with a smooshed nose which led doctors to theorize that she didn't move much in utero, a theory further proven when she failed to crawl until she was 13 months old. Her complete lack of mobility lead to physical therapy appointments that involved me sitting with Mia around a series of large plastic toys screaming at the top of her lungs while the therapist shouted at-home exercises for us to try at home. True to form, Mia stubbornly refused to participate in my half-assed attempts of home therapy. She started walking at 14 months and I'm pretty sure it was her way of giving the medical community the middle finger.
Since then Mia has continued to embrace her middle child syndrome. She accepts Jack's constant abuse with adoration. She follows around her younger cousin Lydia. Her favorite color changes every week based on what's popular with her friends at school. She trips over her own feet, she runs into glass doors and she screams whenever someone even looks at her the wrong way.
And yet, she remains the sweetest, most loyal little girl on the planet. All of her friends at school shout her name when she walks into the classroom and teachers who she hasn't seen in years rush up to say hello and tell her how much they miss having her in their classroom. As my husband is fond of saying, Mia is like a teacher's wet dream. She loves school, follows every rule and treats everyone with the kindness she wishes her older brother would show her.
So you can imagine our complete shock when we found out she failed her kindergarten entrance exam.
What's that you say? You didn't know they had entrance exams for kindergarten? Well, they do. And apparently they're like super hard. They ask things like colors, shapes, and even ask children to identify their body parts.
After we got the dismal results of this exam I happened to overhear this conversation between Mia and my husband:
Ken: So, how did you like your kindergarten visit?
Mia: Good.
Ken: Did you answer all their questions?
Mia: Yes, Daddy. The teacher said I did good.
Ken: Right, so what kind of stuff did they ask you?
Mia: I don't know.
Ken: Well, where's your elbow? Did they ask you that?
Mia: [Points to her knee]
Ken: Seriously, Mia? That's your knee, how do you not know this stuff?
Whenver I encounter Mia issues I've gotten into the habit of consulting with my very own Middle Child expert, one Laura Roecker.
Laura's response to this most recent debacle: "Oh poor, Mia! She just doesn't test well! Remember that time when I just randomly filled in all the bubbles on my California Achievement Test because my friend told me it didn't count toward my grade? Mom and Dad had me enrolled in remedial classes until high school after that."
Well, lucky for us this situation was easily resolved with Mia's preschool teacher calling the school. She feels strongly that Mia is ready for kindergarten.
In the meantime, I finally broke out the Operation game I bought the kids for Christmas. Mia will be able to identify her femur by the time I'm done with her.
March 29, 2012
YA Scavenger Hunt - BRING IT!
HUGE day today. There's an epic YA Scavenger Hunt and we're FINALLY revealing the cover for THE LIES THAT BIND...but you'll have to find it first!
So...back to the Hunt. Here's how it works. There will be three loops. Blue, Yellow and Red. YOu can win 20 books on each loop for a total of 60 books! Or just do one loop and enter to win 20 books. Totally your call!
And we are TEAM RED! Any time you get lost in the hunt or a link isn't working you can click here to keep going.
Now, onto the fun stuff. Today for the hunt, we're hosting the HUGELY famous, NYT's Bestseller Colleen Houck. (You can't see me right now, but I'm totally breathing into a paper bag.) What's that you say? You live under a rock and you've never heard of Colleen and her amazing TIGER'S CURSE series? Well, let's take care of that right now, shall we?
About Colleen: Colleen is a lifelong reader whose literary interests include action, adventure, science fiction, and romance. Formerly a student at the University of Arizona, she has worked as a nationally certified American Sign Language interpreter for seventeen years. TIGER'S VOYAGE is the third book in the New York Times bestselling Tiger's Curse series. Colleen lives in Salem, Oregon, with her husband and a huge assortment of plush tigers.
About TIGER'S VOYAGE: With the head-to-head battle against the villainous Lokesh behind her, Kelsey confronts a new heartbreak: in the wake of his traumatic experience, her beloved Ren no longer remembers who she is. As the trio continues their quest by challenging five cunning and duplicitous dragons, Ren and Kishan once more vie for her affections--leaving Kelsey more confused than ever.And now....(drumroll please)...Colleen's super secret, extra awesome content....
Hi Tiger Fans! Here is a short story I wrote set in the time before the curse happened. Enjoy!
YA Scavenger Hunt Exclusive: ARRANGED, a short story by Colleen Houck -
Our secret letter is G! You'll need it to help you unscramble the phrase to enter to win 20 books on the Red Loop of the YA Scavenger Hunt.
And click here to continue on the Hunt and visit the fabulous Claire Merle and even more super secret content. Who knows, maybe you'll even find the cover of THE LIES THAT BIND!
Happy hunting!
March 27, 2012
It's time to SLIDE!!!!!!!!
Happy book birthday to SLIDE by Jill Hathaway! Here are five reasons you must stop what you're doing and buy a copy of your very own right this very second.
5. Jill. She's as sweet as can be. There's nothing better than good things happening to good people.
4. The reviews. I see a star. And a glowing Kirkus review. And some amazing blurbs. Nicely done.
3. The sisters. Vee and her sister Mattie's relationship is really well-done. Nothing like sisters.
2. The pink hair. Another pink-haired detective on the prowl? Yes please.
1. The mystery! We're not gonna lie, we've kicked ourselves many, many times for setting out to write mysteries. It's not easy, guys. Not easy at all. Jill blows it out of the water.
To further celebrate the release, we are giving away our coveted advanced copy of this book. Leave a comment telling us why you want to read SLIDE and we'll give you the chance to win!
GOOD LUCK and HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY, JILL!!!!!
5. Jill. She's as sweet as can be. There's nothing better than good things happening to good people.
4. The reviews. I see a star. And a glowing Kirkus review. And some amazing blurbs. Nicely done.
3. The sisters. Vee and her sister Mattie's relationship is really well-done. Nothing like sisters.
2. The pink hair. Another pink-haired detective on the prowl? Yes please.
1. The mystery! We're not gonna lie, we've kicked ourselves many, many times for setting out to write mysteries. It's not easy, guys. Not easy at all. Jill blows it out of the water.
To further celebrate the release, we are giving away our coveted advanced copy of this book. Leave a comment telling us why you want to read SLIDE and we'll give you the chance to win!
GOOD LUCK and HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY, JILL!!!!!
March 26, 2012
It's Monday, Let's Dance
There are moments in life where you just have to dance.
I'm not talking the kind of dancing you do at prom. Or at weddings. Or even at bars after 3 shots of tequila.
This is the kind of dancing you do at 11:39 PM on a Sunday night when everyone in your house is fast asleep.
The kind of dancing where you spin around in circles until you're dizzy. The kind of dancing where you jump around so much your stomach cramps.
The kind of dancing that reminds you that you're alive and it's spring time and Mad Men is back on the air and your kids are still young enough to giggle at Ms. Piggy eating donuts in the new Muppet movie.
The kind of dancing you do to remind yourself that there are a lot of little random things that make you happy every single day.
If you want to dance like that, I highly recommend this song.
I'm not talking the kind of dancing you do at prom. Or at weddings. Or even at bars after 3 shots of tequila.
This is the kind of dancing you do at 11:39 PM on a Sunday night when everyone in your house is fast asleep.
The kind of dancing where you spin around in circles until you're dizzy. The kind of dancing where you jump around so much your stomach cramps.
The kind of dancing that reminds you that you're alive and it's spring time and Mad Men is back on the air and your kids are still young enough to giggle at Ms. Piggy eating donuts in the new Muppet movie.
The kind of dancing you do to remind yourself that there are a lot of little random things that make you happy every single day.
If you want to dance like that, I highly recommend this song.
March 20, 2012
Tell The Truth Tuesday
1. Laura has talked the entire Roecker clan into doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.
2. This brings back memories of doing Tae Bo with my mom and dad in our basement.
3. She had me at Shred.
4. I spent all night researching recipes for our diet plan.
5. And then I ate an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips.
6. This is not going to end well.
2. This brings back memories of doing Tae Bo with my mom and dad in our basement.
3. She had me at Shred.
4. I spent all night researching recipes for our diet plan.
5. And then I ate an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips.
6. This is not going to end well.
March 19, 2012
I Suck
So, I've been pretty much the worst blogger ever lately. I could rattle off about a billion different excuses for my absence, but it would all be very depressing and I'm so not in the mood for depressing.
Honestly, I've spent the last few weeks holed up, watching trashy TV, telling anyone who will listen that I want everyone to sit shiva for me when I die just like in a Jonathan Tropper book. Oh, and I've been making lots of inappropriate comments at solemn events, because if there's one thing I'm awesome at, it's inappropriate comments.
So, yeah. I'm focused on figuring out a way to channel all of my suck into some awesome blog posts and a killer revision. And I'm getting there. I really am. Life is too short to spend too much time pissed off at how unfair it is.
In the mean time please forgive me for being a terrible friend/blogger/writer/person/mom/wife/sister/woman. For better or worse, I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self sooner rather than later.
Honestly, I've spent the last few weeks holed up, watching trashy TV, telling anyone who will listen that I want everyone to sit shiva for me when I die just like in a Jonathan Tropper book. Oh, and I've been making lots of inappropriate comments at solemn events, because if there's one thing I'm awesome at, it's inappropriate comments.
So, yeah. I'm focused on figuring out a way to channel all of my suck into some awesome blog posts and a killer revision. And I'm getting there. I really am. Life is too short to spend too much time pissed off at how unfair it is.
In the mean time please forgive me for being a terrible friend/blogger/writer/person/mom/wife/sister/woman. For better or worse, I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self sooner rather than later.
March 13, 2012
A little happy
It's been a difficult couple of weeks. This just makes us happy. We need a little happy.
