Wayne C. Allen's Blog, page 34

Gunk on Your Glasses: and seeing clearly

Synopsis: Gunk on Your Glasses: and seeing clearly — it’s easy to not notice our distraction and ignorance

Sally Kempton is a regular writer for Yoga Journal, and her article in the December 2015 issue was interesting. It raised the issue of ignorance.

But this is not garden variety ignorance; it’s a profound not knowing regarding how the world really works.

Kempton mentions the Sanskrit word, vidya, which means knowledge, or wisdom. Adding an “a” to the front — avidya — means ignorance — not merely the garden variety, but at the level of totally missing the real picture.

I’ve been mulling about Kempton’s article for a day or two, thinking about how to use it for the blog, and as I sat down to write, I noticed that my glasses needed cleaning.

I got new glasses before we headed to Costa Rica this trip, and I don’t know why, but they are almost impossible to clean. All that happens is the “gunk” on the lens’ just seems to move around.

That’s as good a definition of avidya as I can come up with.

Now, this form of ignorance means that nothing you perceive is clear — is “as it is.” Your ignorance won’t (usually) kill you, but it means you live your life in a state of “off balance.” This type of ignorance causes a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness, which the Buddha called dukkha, which is usually translated “suffering.”

We suffer, Buddha taught, not because something is “making us.” We suffer because we refuse to see clearly. We suffer because we expect the world to be different than it is — that it ought to be as we imagine. We suffer because others are others, and therefore are not behaving according to our preferences, our script.

The alternative, vidya, doesn’t mean wisdom or knowledge in the sense of knowing it all. It’s not about being right. It goes deeper than that.
May the bluebird of happiness fly up your nose

Our cultures each create a specific stew for us to swim in — they tell us the way it is “supposed to be.”

I’ve often mocked the North American version, and its endless stupidity regarding relationships and happiness, for example. I use a line about “cartoon bluebirds flitting about one’s head” to signify the “supposed to be.”

We also forget that we are programmed to think of ourselves as the centre of the universe.

Which only works haltingly if we are alone. As soon as one becomes two, the battle over the dominant universe becomes the norm. Unless we endlessly choose otherwise.

Avidya is thinking that any of these mental games are real, or true, or even necessary.

It’s funny, how difficult we make all of this. I remember finishing my counselling degree, and my supervisor said that my next step ought to be more self-reflection, in a 25-day residential program at The Haven. I laughed.

13 YEARS later, I showed up on her doorstep, physically exhausted, mentally confused, and spiritually dead. She smiled, and said, “Go to The Haven.” I did.

A few years later, I met a woman who is Chinese, and she called me an Old Soul. My little chest got all puffed up. Then, she said,

“We Chinese have a saying. Old soul… slow learner.”

Seeing through the illusion, the “gunk on our glasses,” takes persistence, and then a shifting. Because if you won’t, you simply see the same thing, again and again, only cloudier.

A few ideas:

Don’t remind me of that!

1) We are not as we think we are

Nothing we think has an iota of validity. It’s just today’s version of a story I have been telling myself for years.

That little example, above, of my 13 year delay, is a perfect example. During that 13 years, I tried to prop up my beliefs about myself, and as things got more complicated, I blamed the situations and people around me.

Now, when I look back on that time, I see my confusion and blindness, and how I shifted my story, BUT this current version of that story is no more “true” than the other. It’s just a narrative.

The key, for me, then and now, is to see an issue, ignore my rush to story-tell, and then to choose to act differently.

I’m so happy being sad

2) Being happy is an illusion, as is being miserable

My mom used to work hard at being the sickest person in the room. I’d say to others watching her, “She’s happy being miserable.”

Seems senseless, this approach — until you watch yourself winding yourself up, making yourself the one who is hard done by, and then getting a tee shirt proclaiming your martyrdom.

There is no place or state of happiness. There is just “this,” and whether or not I’m fully engaged with “this.” If I’m not willing to be fully engaged, I would be best served leaving, and finding something or someone else to fully engage with.

It’s time to get moving. No, really. Now.

3) It’s not up to someone else

The ride is yours, and yours alone. It’s not up to someone else to make it all better for you. Or to make you happy, or whatever, because, of course, they can’t.

There’s nothing more dysfunctional than a couple playing the “you complete me” game, or even worse, the “you hold me back” game. Both are excuses for not being self-responsible, and self-aware.

The other person is lost in their own illusion, or is in the process of waking up, but none of that is about you and your walk. Your job, endlessly, is to get over yourself, to see through the gunk you smear on your glasses, and to let go of your stories.

Because the gunk on your glasses is persistent

Take a look at the glasses you wear (even if you don’t wear real ones) and see how much cruft you’re looking through. Remember: because we are human beings living on planet Earth, we HAVE TO wear glasses. There is always (potentially) something standing between us and reality.

The idea that awakening happens once is nonsense.

It’s a moment-by-moment process of dozing and waking. If you choose to wake up in the first place, that is. Being awake is a process.

So, just start. Open your eyes, look around, and notice how often you are lost in your stories, blaming, making yourself miserable, and all to defend your erroneous belief that your version of reality is true.

Let it go. Have a breath, and see if you can cease winding yourself up. See if you can let go of being stuck, or staying stuck.

And then, do something different, have another breath, and another look.

Again and again. Until you die.

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The Things That Divide Us

synopsis: The Things That Divide Us — the games we play in our heads make it difficult for us to be truly in contact with others.

Three books, for FREE (Kindle version)

As I mentioned last week, three Phoenix Centre Press books(Kindle digital versions) are going to be FREE around Black Friday. Here are the books, with links to Amazon… I assume maybe the FREE price will filter through to other Amazon sites, so when you mouse over, click on the flag of the country you shop with, and see.

Remember, they’re only FREE for the days listed.

My book, Find Your Perfect Partner Free November 26 — 28

My book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever. Free November 26 — 28

W Asher Charles’ novel Walking Through Free November 25 — 27

Enjoy!

Politics, south of the border

This political commentary will be brief, but I just can’t resist… after the inane comments about the US banning Syrian refugees (Canada is still on track to accept 25,000), I just wanted to say… yikes!

OK, so a couple of the Republican guys do want to import Syrian Christians, because, not terrorists. Jeb! figures he can just tell which ones are Christians, but can’t explain how. A mystery.

But here’s the thing about Christians not being, well, bad: The KKK= Christian terrorists, and very bad dressers. Then, there are the endless, almost weekly mass murderers (malls, theatres, schools, etc.); pretty much all white guys, and I assume, many are / were Christians.

The Republicans don’t want to import terrorists. But hey, the US (and Canada) have survived:

The Italian Mafia

The Irish Mafia

The Triads

The Yakuza

The Drug Cartels

The Russian Mob

etc., etc.

In other words, each wave of immigration has brought with it masses of great, wonderful people, and an underbelly of violent assholes. That’s been the history of immigration.

My great-grandfather came from Ireland in the the middle 1800s, and Irish discrimination was rife. He had needed skills (machinist) and was tolerated, but my grandmother remembers being called “Lace Curtain Irish.” It means, trying to fit in, and not knowing one’s place. Because, Irish.

The solution is not to slam the borders shut, and hope for the best. It’s to provide a welcome, and to help refugees to become integrated into our societies.

Anyway, enough, other than to provide a bit of a picture, and to shake my head, once again, over the way things are in the land of the free.

Back to our regularly scheduled content

But not really. I mention the above as a reminder to myself, because, when it comes to Conservative politics, I can be so very judgemental. Don’t get me started on Stevie Harper, or, shifting borders, Donnie Trump. So, I work hard at getting over myself and sticking to easily demonstrable facts.

Being judgemental is an issue for a lot of people.

I’m really, really special…

Especially people on some form of path. Many were the clients, for example, who were into “new-agey” things in the 90’s, and many were the games they played. All having to do with how others should do what they wanted them to, because of their self-declared spiritual advancement.

Others weren’t cooperating, and they wanted me to “fix their affirmations.”

I used to question their motives and understandings, and they’d get angry, because they knew they were spiritual beings. Just knew it. One woman started off with what she wanted to work on in a session, and what she was confidently describing was actually quite off. I briefly suggested this, and she held up her hand. “Don’t confuse me with the facts!,” sayeth she.

It’s difficult not to point one’s finger at those we disagree with, and condemn them solely on the basis of our preconceived notions. In high dudgeon, we judge, and sniff, and blame.

Silly of us, really.

The old saw about keeping your nose on your side of the fence (or argument) is a good one. Working on yourself–your understandings, your flaws, your confusions, is the work of a lifetime. Much, much harder than blaming others.

So, today’s lesson, really, is to take it all with a grain of salt, and keep your eyes focussed on your feet, your path, your issues. Have an opinion, be kind, and save the self-righteousness for another time. 

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Metta for Beirut, Metta for Paris

synopsis: it’s not just Paris–it’s our world. Metta for Beirut, Metta for Paris

First of all, an announcement. Two of my books, plus the novel we edited, are going to be FREE (Kindle Version) around Black Friday in the States. The. Best. Relationship. Ever., Find Your Perfect Partner, and W Asher Charles’ novel, Walking Through are part of this special deal.

I’ll let you know the dates closer to the event.

I vaguely remember a movie called “A History of Violence,” and the title, if not the plot, stuck.

Nothing is more true than this: humanity is violence prone, and therefore, in the wake of the deaths in Paris yesterday, it seemed appropriate to mention that this event is simply the latest in an endless stream of “us vs. them” violence.

And this is the meat of the problem. We are programmed from birth to form mental images of who “we” are, and maybe more important, who “they” are. Old, old behaviour, going back to when we swung down from the trees, sticks and rocks in hand.

We tend to demonize “the other,” and “angel-ize” (if you will) “us.” And yet, what happened in Paris is quite similar, actually, to the Oklahoma City bombing — nut-bars with weapons killing innocents for not being “the right kind of people.” Only difference was that OC guy was white.

There is nothing new under the sun

Lion’s Roar, a great Buddhist site, had a list of Buddhist thinkers responding to the events in Paris. Two stuck out for me:

Jack Kornfield, famous Buddhist writer, wrote (in part):

I feel such sadness for the people of Paris, for the pain and fear they are going through from this terrible attack. This is a time for the world’s compassion and reaching out to our friends in France.

When I look at the tragic photos and news, I see both the horrors of the bombs and shootings and the thousands of helpers who have rushed in to care for all the suffering. It shows that the world has both suffering and the overcoming of it. It is in the overcoming of it that we are called to respond.

By practicing with mindfulness we align ourselves with those who refuse to hate and, with each moment of compassion, sow seeds of peace. This is our way—to support the causes and conditions that reduce violence and all along to remember the Buddha’s ancient words: “Hatred never ceases by hatred.” (Lion’s Roar)

And George Takei:

I’m writing this backstage at Allegiance, my heart heavy with the news from Paris, aching for the victims and their families and friends. There no doubt will be those who look upon immigrants and refugees as the enemy as a result of these attacks, because they look like those who perpetrated these attacks, just as peaceful Japanese Americans were viewed as the enemy after Pearl Harbor. But we must resist the urge to categorize and dehumanize, for it is that very impulse that fueled the insanity and violence perpetrated this evening. Tonight, hold your loved ones, and pray or wish for peace, not only from guns and bombs, but from hatred and fear. If it is our freedom and joy they seek to destroy, give them not that victory. Against the forces of darkness and terror, love and compassion shall always prevail. ?#?JeSuisParis? (Lion’s Roar)

The reminder of the truth of our being is there.

We are both the victims and perpetrators. We are each capable of good and bad. We suffer, and we have in our hands means for the release of suffering. Not “us vs. them,” but all in this together.

And no, I’m not a pacifist.

When and as things like this happen, firm, deadly measures are required in response. But not out of vengeance and anger. We must not become what we are fighting against. Instead, with caution and a heavy heart, we act decisively. And of course, by “we” I mean the brave women and men who are actually going to be in harm’s way, not the “we” that pretends I’m actually doing anything.

On the other hand, I do believe in metta, and in being present with the pain the world is in. I feel for, and send metta to, all those who, this night are hurting, are grieving, are caught.

That said, and thus the opening photo, this isn’t just about Paris. It’s about our hurting world, including the “non-white” parts where shit happens regularly, and never makes the news. For example, see this Instagram, re. Beirut: Lebanon (https://instagram.com/p/-DmUOwJ0tC/) has also recently (and regularly) experienced bloodshed.

Let’s talk metta.

Send a compassionate thought outward, and see if you can even include the people you hate, or judge, or find fault with. Start easy, as is typical of metta, and:

send metta (loving-kindness) to those you love (parents, relatives, partners)
then, to people you are acquainted with
then, to the hurting in Paris,
then, to the hurting in Lebanon, and all through the Middle East,
then, to those who you judge to be “against you,”
then, to those in the world who want to destroy you,
and then, even to yourself.

The world shifts ever so slightly, as you do this.

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My Head, and Avocados

Synopsis: My Head, and Avocados — just when you think you know something, you don’t!

And then there are ants.
This one seems strange, even to me, but my opening illustration is my head, and avocados. O, mi cabeza and aguacates.

Some years ago, I started cutting my hair really short, using a “1” blade on an electric clipper. A few weeks back, it was time for a trim. The bathroom was a little dark, and it was early for me, so anyway, I didn’t notice that the “1 blade” add on had dropped off the clipper. So, I fired it up, and dragged it across the left side of my head, using the bare “0” blade, which gives ya a cut just this side of bald.

As to avocados, I typically pick ‘em out at the store, as I tend to do slightly better at getting ones that are OK to eat, as in not too soft, not to hard, or maybe needing a day on the window sill. A couple of weeks back, we discovered that the lush and delicious avocados we’re used to buying were suddenly smaller; I did my normal groping and prodding, and picked two anyway. They seemed normal.

As to my head, I figured out something was off about the third stroke, and stopped my hand. I clicked on another light, and there was my scalp, covered with not much hair. I decided that all I could do was finish the side with the “0,” match the other side to it, and then do the top and back with the “1.”

The avocados came out of the fridge, and I did my normal routine, making a slit all the way around, length-wise, then pulled. One side came free. The top was almost black, over-ripe. The meat was stuck to the pit at the fat part. Under-ripe.

My eyes wandered to my head, and I saw

a hitherto unseen slight dent, and
a vein, bulging. I assumed it was a vein, as it wasn’t pulsing. The vein came and went, and now it’s again covered with hair. As is the slight dent.

The avocado was partly edible, mostly weird. I have two more in the fridge, pictured above. We shall see what is hidden beneath the peel when I whack into them.

Oh, and there was an ant colony inside the closet rod, which I discovered when I

saw ants on the bar, and
took it down and couldn’t see through it.

Now, I’ve had a passing acquaintance with my head for almost 65 years now, and the vein and dent were news to me.

Every avocado I’ve cut into in the past was either ripe, under-ripe, or over-ripe. Now, 2 in a row were all three.

And I didn’t figure an ant colony (or maybe they were termites…) could develop an ant condo inside a 4 foot long pipe.

In all of these cases, reality flew in the face of past experience. But, and this is key, some of it might not be “the new norm.”

OK, so my head dent is likely what’s actually under there… maybe I’ll have at my head with the “0” blade again, just to be sure, but the vein, the avocados, and the pipe?

Variants… more evidence… about heads, avocados, and ants.
Two orange windows means… two orange windows!

Part of opening your eyes and seeing has to do with… opening your eyes and seeing. The trick is to do so as a “fact gatherer,” as opposed to a meaning-maker.

In the case of the pipe, I now know one more place an ant colony can be (one trip down here, we turned on the water on for an outside Jacuzzi tub, and an entire ant colony shot out, but I digress…)

Avocados come in degrees of ripeness, including, apparently, all three states in one avocado, but this does not predict the state of the next one.

And my head contains mysteries, not only for all of you, but also for me.

A client some decades ago had been cheated upon, and made the leap that everyone would cheat on her. She’d endlessly berate her dates, accusing them. Because it happened once, and therefore would always happen.

A husband yells. His wife says, “I never knew he was like that, or I never would have married him.” Except, he yelled once in 20 years. Evidence-wise, she really only knows he seldom yells, but can.

In other words, each action is more information, and nothing else. As we get to know someone, they are the total of their actions, and some actions, (like mysterious dents appearing) are aberrations. Not, “he was this, and now he is that,” but rather “he is both this and that.”

We need to breathe and observe, and repeat to ourselves that all conclusions are provisional, because you never know the state of your avocado, until you cut it open. And then, you know a little more.

None of us is a fixed quantity, forever transparent, known, stable. We are what we are as a dynamic process, and by dynamic, I mean changing. We love one moment, and don’t the next. Doesn’t make the loving a lie; it just means that things changed.

Dents appear, veins bulge, avocados do weird things, and ants, apparently, are everywhere.

We are as we were, and as we are now, and none of it is predictive of the next moment. This is both scary and exhilarating, as all we know for sure is, “It is as it is.” In my case, with a dent, and not as much avocado as I was expecting.

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Assumptions, Judgements, and Stories

Synopsis–Assumptions, Judgements, and Stories are always figments of our imagination. Learn how to let them go

I’ll spare you the “assumptions” cliche–and just begin by saying that we really ought to get over the whole assumption thing. But boy, is that is difficult.

It’s a biological thing. We’re hard-wired to be cautious.

We just started watching the first season of “Zoo” on Netflix, and the idea is that the animals of the world team up and start attacking. The people have a hard time believing that, say, house cats, are suddenly a threat. Because, assumptions.

The Zen approach to life is to notice the workings of the mind, and nothing is more interesting than watching the endless stream of assumptions, judgements, and stories. Which is a big step, as most of that stuff goes unnoticed.

The stream of non-consciousness is endless, and remains endless.

Lots of people tell me that they can’t meditate, and the reason they give is, “I can’t stop my mind.” As in, they think that in order to be a “successful” meditator, their mind needs to be silent. A total impossibility, but a popular thought.

The best one can hope for, and this is pretty easy to accomplish, is to get really good at watching the internal game. But the key is observing, while not getting hooked.

In other words, to see the stream, but not swim in it.

I suspect that the best way to learn to examine your assumptions is to meditate on them, no matter what you think about your meditative abilities. You need to figure out how to sit still, so either ask a meditation teacher, or go have a look at the online movie I created a few years back.

Learn to Meditate — a video describing how to sit.

If you can’t see the video, click here

Next, set an intention. Part of the intention is how long you will sit; I’d suggest 15 minutes minimum, and preferably 30. Once that’s decided, and you’ve picked a way to sit, then do so.

Breathe a bit to settle yourself, and then, in your head, tell yourself that you’re going to do some internal theatre movie watching. As soon as you do so, something will cross your mind. Literally, actually.

In Zen, thoughts are described as being like clouds drifting across a clear, blue sky. The meditative practice is “simple”; just watch each one drift across the sky that is your mind.

Now, reality will set in, and a thought will arise that interests you.

Zoom. Attachment. Which takes several forms, but in general is you, caught. You’ll find yourself talking to yourself, internally, or generating images, or feelings. You’ll “feel hard done by,” or angry, or sad, or happy, or horny, depending on the “cloud.”

In the normal meditative process, the you notice what you have grabbed on to, you have a breath, and to let go. Which, of course, leads to the arising of the next cloud, which you will either latch on to, or not.

One of our meditation teachers taught us to “count breaths.” Basically, inhale, rest, exhale, think “one.” Repeat. When you attach, or have a thought, you start back at “one.” You count up to 20.

The teacher said that she had been meditating for 25 years, and once or twice had gotten to 10. Best thing anyone ever told me.

Plainly, this is not easy, if by easy we mean “no thoughts.” As our teacher said, (and I’d note she was a Zen “monk,” and lived in a Zen community–meaning she meditated for long stretches several times a day) she’d occasionally made it to 10.

So, no thoughts is not the intention.

The intention is two-fold. 1) Noticing when you attach, and 2) choosing to let go.

So, at the end of your “sit,” say 5 minutes before, go ahead and attach to a cloud. But take a step back, and just watch yourself attaching. Notice what comes up. It will be the stuff I mentioned above: assumptions, judgements, and stories. Just watch and listen. In other words, don’t bite.

Usually, we have the “it’s not fair!” reaction (among others) and we’re off to the races. Blame, anger, righteousness, flowing. So, in this practice, the attempt is to stop short of involvement.

By this I mean, we might think “not fair.” Great. Now stop. Ask yourself, “What else?” In other words, instead of catching yourself in the first thing that comes up, just make a list. If you do this, you’ll find a list of your assumptions about the thought, but the list will lack power.

This is what we want to learn to do.

Then, after 5 minutes, still yourself, breathe, and end your meditation session.

Now, the reason we do all of this is not to be good on a mat. It’s to be present for life itself. Needless to say, this “assumptions, judgements, and stories” crap is going on, all the time. We want to stop ourselves from getting caught up in it, and one way to do that is to do what we just learned.

We learn to be able to do this any time, anywhere.

This morning, two guys were talking. I was on the rancho, and couldn’t hear their words. I noticed that, despite not having a clue, I was making up stories about them. And I was making myself tight, and a little angry. Over two guys. And a conversation I was not a part of, and couldn’t hear.

So, I did the above. Had a breath. Asked myself to tell myself what stories and judgements, what assumptions I was making. As I made a list, I could see how silly I was being. I was up in my head, the principal actor, and I was playing both of the guys, putting words in their mouths, attributing meaning to their conversation.

With no actual data to go on!

As I saw myself winding myself up, I chose to have a breath, turn my attention elsewhere, and enjoy the beautiful day.

Our assumptions, even about ourselves, are unreal, and not “so.” They are inventions designed to get a rise out of us, so that we feel alive.

The solution? Real life, as an awake participant, as we let go of assumptions, judgements, and stories.

The post Assumptions, Judgements, and Stories appeared first on The Pathless Path.

Communication is All About You

Synopsis: Communication is All About You — as with most things, how well you communicate is about you!

So, for the longest time (10 years and counting) Darbella and I have been working on learning Spanish. We did a week long home stay back in 2005, have attended classes, and work through Duolingo lessons daily. Duolingo tells me I’m 46% fluent.

Next, we think we’ll go back to classes in Ontario, and when we return here in the late Spring, we’ll book language school in Nicaragua, this time for three weeks of classes and home stay.

I mention this because we really do understand a lot more Spanish, do well with our lessons, and can do basic things like shop, order in restaurants… and I’ve even done tech support in Spanish.

The only place where things fall apart is when people actually speak the language.

Well, kidding but only a bit. The ground-keeper was just outside our door, speaking to one of the maids, and I got about two words. I was sitting at my computer, thinking about what to write about, and off he went. Nada por me. Other than an idea for this article.

What happens for me is this: if I know the topic, I can relax and just let the words flow over me, and I’ll “get” 90% of it. And I can answer in short sentences. The trouble starts if, as in this case, I overhear a conversation, but don’t know the topic. Or, if someone changes the topic.

In other words, so long as I am in charge and steering things, I’m kind of fluent. As soon as another person has the audacity to do something unexpected, I might as well wave a white flag.

And this is how it goes, in all communication.

When I teach the Communication Model Darbella and I use, I get blank stares, and sometimes, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t talk like that all the time. People will think I’m nuts!”

But you have to! If you don’t use the Model all the time, in all circumstances, you’re going to get tripped up. When?

When the other person veers off, changes the subject, or does something unexpected. Just like me, and Spanish.

But here’s the real point: it’s not the fault of the other person!
You! Listen Faster!!

Here in Costa Rica, expats “complain” about the rapid fire Spanish. Words get slurred together, and it really is hard when native speakers get going with each other. But that’s not the fault of the Costa Ricans. That’s due to “my” inability to keep up.

Now, sure, I can utter “lentamente” and hope the other person will slow down, but really, the issue is me. I’m not hearing well. If I want less distress, I need to hear better, and not to freak out.

Just like all communication.

Imagine a world where everyone demands that the other speak and act “as expected.” Now, usually, people do have this expectation, but it only goes one way. In other words, it would be like me expecting that all of Costa Rica ought to speak the way I want. Most people have this idea when they talk with spouses, family, friends, whomever.

And then, they get pissed off when the other person makes the same suggestion to them.

The best communicators are the people who speak always and only for themselves, while adapting to the thrusts and parries of the person they are talking with.

Sure, it’s nice, say, to be in a class, speaking Spanish with other gringos, while a bilingual teacher listens to and comments on each word, but this is emphatically not what happens in real life.

In real life, communication can be messy, get bogged down, can be avoided for years. Until it’s too late. But that only happens if you just stand there and blame “the Costa Ricans.”

I can’t get Dar to speak better Spanish, and she can’t get me to speak better Spanish. I can work on mine, and encourage her to work on hers, and that’s it from my side.

Learn, among other things, the Communication Model

Same with day-to-day communication. I can show up, and to the best of my ability do it “right,” and that’s it. She’s going to show up and do what she does.

Now, of course, we wouldn’t have stuck with each other for almost 33 years had we not, at the same time and in our own way, both committed to endless practice with the model. We do as well as we do because, in the end, our goal is “fluency” in Wayne-and-Dar-speak. Period.

So, no demands on others to “do it right.” Just a demand on myself to do it well, and to do it well-er tomorrow.

Because, like everything else, the game is about learning to be present in the world, despite what the world is doing.

The post Communication is All About You appeared first on The Pathless Path.

Letting Go of Self-Indulgence

Synopsis: self-indulgence is thinking that the world is there to make you happy.

I suppose that, despite my recent forays into relationship articles, I’m still clear that all problems are individual problems. If not, there! I said it!

The overriding theme of this blog, and my site, and my books, has been exactly this: who you are and how you are is 100% about you. Who you are going to be in the next moment is 100% about you. Not others. Not the world. Not our upbringing. YOU!

The world we live in is exactly as we perceive it, and how we perceive it determines what we do. Full stop, no exceptions.

Now, it’s easy to blame, as externals are… well… external.

So, yes, someone might yell at you at work, or your kid might challenge you, or your spouse might do something you think is provocative. Sure. Happens all the time. But, here’s the point. The world… others… are not there to make things easy for you.

I wrote a whole article about this some time ago, but here’s the short form. I once had a client who was “spiritual,” as in new-age-y. Into affirmations, thought she heard angels, etc. One day, she fairly bounded into my office.

“It worked!“

“What worked?“

“My gift!!! I was almost late for an appointment, and I contacted my angel and asked for help, and just as I arrived, a car pulled out, and I pulled in, and I got to my appointment right on time!!! I asked for a place-holder, and I got one!!!”

OK, so I admit to having a breath or two.I said, “Interesting! So that person’s sole duty in life at that moment was to hold a place… for you?”

She nodded, but looked less cheery.

“And has someone ever pulled into a parking space you just vacated?”

Now, the cloud of doubt. “Um… sure. There was someone waiting for the spot I just described…”

“So, how does it feel to know that you are nothing but a place-holder for that, obviously more advanced-spiritually person?”

“Hey! Wait a minute! It doesn’t work that way!“

You get the drift. Her view is common. She thinks that she is the centre of the universe, and that everyone else is a bit-player on her stage. She also thought her husband should act and speak, “…in a way that will not annoy me or make me angry.” Same idea, brought home from the parking lot.

You might say that this “place-holder” idea is the crux of all fights, arguments, wars, etc. It comes from the belief that my, (or my group’s) beliefs should trump (Hey! Trump!!! This is how he thinks, writ large!!! But I digress…) everyone else’s. And others believe exactly the same thing about their views.

A friend asked me to explain self-indulgence, and I wrote:

– not accepting reality. It’s like bitching about something, and then waking up to realize that no one cares that you don’t like it, and nothing changes anyway.

It’s about letting go of the need to object to what is.

Shifting to being present with what is.

Otherwise, you’re letting your imagination and internal theatre determine your experience with what is, and that means you’re missing what is happening by passing it through your “it’s not fair!” filters, and that’s… self indulgent.

The key here is to see our walk for what it is: a solo venture, with others walking their path somewhere nearby. The sooner you “get” that others’ paths are equally important, you can turn your eyes inward–to finding out what you need to discover.

As I wrote to my friend, self-indulgence (which the Buddha might have called being asleep, or “ignorance,”) is

stopping yourself from being self-responsible because you think others aren’t cooperating.
It’s thinking that others should put your needs ahead of theirs.
It’s expecting special treatment, and then blaming externals when you don’t get what you want.

Wholeness, being awake, is this:

Knowing that what is in front of me is real, is my life. It is what it is, and my job is to relate with my life with elegance.
Elegance is acceptance of what is, combined with having the freedom to choose the next step.
My expectation for myself is that, rather than blaming others for where I am, I will accept responsibility, and will choose what I do based upon my being awake.

Not easy, as it requires that… well… you choose being awake over whining, finger-pointing, blaming. It requires a sole focus on seeing through the games and illusions that are offered to you, to the truth.

It’s your walk, and your path. Will you walk it awake, or asleep?

The post Letting Go of Self-Indulgence appeared first on The Pathless Path.

Nothing is Apparent

Synopsis: Nothing is Apparent to anyone else, and most stuff isn’t even apparent to you!

I wish I had an instruction manual…
One of the biggest mistakes people make when relating is assuming… well… pretty much everything.

Nothing, though, is obvious, and often, what’s “obvious” to you really isn’t, so how on earth could someone else figure out what is unclear to you?

But I was going to write that many people assume that their partner can understand them without assistance. And this is especially so when we get to non-verbal “communication.”

Many are the times when I’ve seen people do stuff like: roll their eyes, or sigh dramatically, or walk away. My straw person from the past few articles [here, here] says she likes to slam doors.

Great, just great.

So, what, really, is the message in the eye-roll, or the sigh, and what is meant by abandoning ship and heading off to the bedroom, there to sulk and sigh some more?

Who knows?

Maybe not even you, even when you’re doing it.

I think that the Zen position for life and relating is “I don’t know.” Because I don’t. Now, I might be dumb enough to think I have answers about you, but even if my guess was right about “you,” it was nothing more than a lucky guess.

My straw person slams doors when she’s trying to communicate that she is mad, or is thinking she’s being ignored / neglected, or when she has an agenda and others aren’t cooperating with it–with its timetable, for example. Those are just three times or situations when door slamming seems, to her, to be appropriate.

Let’s just stick with the obvious for a minute.

How would the person witnessing her “snit” have a clue which of her issues she had set herself off over? “It should be obvious from the context” is not an answer. All the observer knows is that straw person is slamming a door.

It gets even weirder

If her partner does make the mistake of guessing, she then can blame her partner for not guessing correctly! “We’ve been together for [fill in the blank] and if he loved me [properly, according to my definition] he would know!” And, he’s the bad guy because he didn’t read her mind!

Weird, right?

But sadly common. This whole, “It should be obvious” thing comes in many flavours, and I see it and hear about it often, and remember tons of examples from my clients.

The one that I really didn’t get was walking away when in the middle of something.
There she goes again!

Of course, people would defend themselves by saying, “I was angry [or going to cry, or whatever] so I walked away.” And I’d say, “And after you calmed yourself back down, and came back, did you resolve the issue?”

Blank look. Then, “Well, I was in my room for an hour, and then it was supper time, so I made [ate] dinner, but we [surprise, surprise] never talked about it again.”

Oh, goodie.

What a great plan! Sulk, slink off, make dinner, don’t talk, and then do it all over again the next time. And in the mean time, the relationship stays stuck, and actually sinks a bit into the quicksand of non-direct communication.

I was talking about this with Darbella, and we were grinning over our own dumb strategies. We agreed that the reason for our 33 years of successful communication is our willingness to overlook each others’ games. To wit: I tend to act like a spoiled 8 year old, while Dar defaults to pulling in and curling up in a ball.

Left to our own dumbness, I’d be ranting while she was hiding under something.

Not helpful.

Our “rule” is, it takes one adult. By this we mean that, when one or the other of us pulls something that might take us off topic, it only takes one of us to stop the drift. The few times we’ve had “fights” is when neither of us would stop being a idiot long enough for an “adult” to show up.

My straw person needs to stop sulking, slamming, and yelling. She needs to say, “I’m angering myself right now, so excuse me for 5 minutes while I pound a mattress, and I’ll come back and we can pick up where we left off.” [IMPORTANT! In this and the next one, notice the 5 minute time limit!!!]
Run-aways say, “I’m upset, and I want to go to my room for 5 minutes, to calm myself. Then, I’ll be back, and we can talk.”
The “eyes and sighs” crowd: “I notice I just sighed and rolled my eyes, as opposed to expressing what is really up for me. Let me have a breath [not a sigh!] and then tell you what’s up for me.”

Because, see, non-verbal communication is always useless.

It’s not up to your partner to figure out why you are passing metaphorical gas, as opposed to using your big person words.
It’s not up to your partner to figure out that your comment about being ignored is really about your concerns for the longevity of the relationship.
It’s not up to your partner to behave in a certain way, so that you won’t annoy yourself.

It’s up to you to sit down, drop the drama, and talk about what’s going on for you, while [here’s the only thing your partner is responsible for] your partner TO DOES THE SAME THING!

Not criticize, not blame, not ream, not finger point. Talk about what is up for you, and then shut up so your partner has the time and space to do the same.

If all of this seems impossible, it’s not. Go to a workshop, see a therapist, buy my book! Here’s a link: The. Best. Relationship. Ever.

And decide, once and for all, to be direct, clear, honest, forthright, and above all, curious.

The post Nothing is Apparent appeared first on The Pathless Path.

Why Forever Never Is

Synopsis: The future is a persistent illusion. Why Forever Never Is

There’s a lot of silliness that goes on in the human head, the silliest of which is thinking that we can predict the future. Or that how we feel now (“I’ll love you forever!”) actually means anything.

But, of course, there’s a paradox here, as there is with everything in this Yin / Yang world.

The paradox is that present actions are indicative of future actions. Indicative, not predictive.

Last week, and also in a couple of other recent articles, I set up a straw person. I mentioned last time that she’s been making decisions about something significant, and then upsetting herself that the decisions are not what she wants to do.

Here’s this week’s piece: she’s doing it for her future happiness, or so she says.

I keep trying to tell her that the significant others in this story are not privy to her imaginary head-story. All they have to go on is what they actually see. And what they see is that she’ll agree to anything so no one dislikes her. And as she watches her significant other, the truth of his actions is that he puts his family and culture over her.

Every time. Nicely, but every time.

The wise person looks at this and says, “This (what is going on right now) is what is true. He will put those things first, and she will give in, and he will be pleased, and she will complain. And, without shifting something, this will likely become the pattern.”

Indicative, not predictive.

My cover article got published this week, and Let me say, it came out OK. However, I didn’t have input regarding the title, (which is OK,) nor the subtitle, which runs: How to Relate with Mindfulness (OK) … to live blissfully forever. (OOPS.)

I definitely didn’t write that one!!

Because, see above.

Now, …to live blissfully in the moment… that has legs!

The problem with future thinking is that it often bogs up the present moment. Off we go into our heads, and we draw ourselves a picture, and for many of us, we sigh with satisfaction… and that’s it!

Here’s the problem: if our imaginary future is at variance with the present moment (see straw person) we’re sacrificing “now” for an “imagined future.” But… no matter how much you imagine, your reality remains the same.

Repeat after me: all I know for sure is “right here, right now.” Anything else is a meaningless head trip.

Now, sometimes, people will counter this with something like, “Yeah, but if I don’t plan for the future, things will be a mess.” Well, no.

I may have, for example, a financial goal of having x dollars in a savings account 5 years from now. That’s nice. What will get me there? The plan?

Nope. Making regular deposits, on schedule, with no excuses. And in actuality, it’s “…making the next payment.” Same with anything.

A new degree, or writing a thesis? How? Page by page, class by class.

A new way of behaving? How? Shift your behaviour, this time.

A great relationship? How? Communicate clearly, this time.

Because, all there is, is now, and all we can do is what we do, now.

Your head will scream, “no!” but there it is. Get over yourself and your fantasies, and just “do it right,” this time.

The post Why Forever Never Is appeared first on The Pathless Path.

Swimming in Your own Sauce

Synopsis: we spend too much time in our heads, swimming in your own sauce.

So, think about this, and think about yourself. What things are you aware of thinking about yourself that get you caught in your own sauce, but that you feel all righteous about, because you’re “working on it?”

Except, you’re not.

In other words, how often are you stuck in your head, endlessly going over the same stupid stories, and therefore, doing the same stupid things?

My example person, were she wise, might consider experimenting with “no.” She might decide, say, for a month or a year, to say no when she means no. Not once or twice, but as a full blown experiment.

Now, when she does this, her inner voice is going to go nuts, and start screaming, “No on will like you if you are not a nice little girl!” She would need to acknowledge, then ignore, that voice.

After several months, she will discover that everyone still likes her (or the ones that dumped her were not worth keeping around) and she has not done things she didn’t want to do. Or better put, she has done the things she wanted to do.

Each of us has something we can experiment with.

If you get angry with your kids “for their own good,” spend 6 months stopping your mouth, quieting yourself, and then having a calm discussion.
If you think your partner is the one to blame for everything, have a breath, and invite your partner to talk about what’s really going on.
If you can’t move on from a toxic relationship, just move on for a month or six, and see what else emerges.

In other words, instead of swimming helplessly in your own sauce, do something geared toward doing your life differently.

Give it a bit of time, laugh at your head games, and see what switches.

The post Swimming in Your own Sauce appeared first on The Pathless Path.