Letting Go of Self-Indulgence

Synopsis: self-indulgence is thinking that the world is there to make you happy.

I suppose that, despite my recent forays into relationship articles, I’m still clear that all problems are individual problems. If not, there! I said it!

The overriding theme of this blog, and my site, and my books, has been exactly this: who you are and how you are is 100% about you. Who you are going to be in the next moment is 100% about you. Not others. Not the world. Not our upbringing. YOU!

The world we live in is exactly as we perceive it, and how we perceive it determines what we do. Full stop, no exceptions.

Now, it’s easy to blame, as externals are… well… external.

So, yes, someone might yell at you at work, or your kid might challenge you, or your spouse might do something you think is provocative. Sure. Happens all the time. But, here’s the point. The world… others… are not there to make things easy for you.

I wrote a whole article about this some time ago, but here’s the short form. I once had a client who was “spiritual,” as in new-age-y. Into affirmations, thought she heard angels, etc. One day, she fairly bounded into my office.

“It worked!“

“What worked?“

“My gift!!! I was almost late for an appointment, and I contacted my angel and asked for help, and just as I arrived, a car pulled out, and I pulled in, and I got to my appointment right on time!!! I asked for a place-holder, and I got one!!!”

OK, so I admit to having a breath or two.I said, “Interesting! So that person’s sole duty in life at that moment was to hold a place… for you?”

She nodded, but looked less cheery.

“And has someone ever pulled into a parking space you just vacated?”

Now, the cloud of doubt. “Um… sure. There was someone waiting for the spot I just described…”

“So, how does it feel to know that you are nothing but a place-holder for that, obviously more advanced-spiritually person?”

“Hey! Wait a minute! It doesn’t work that way!“

You get the drift. Her view is common. She thinks that she is the centre of the universe, and that everyone else is a bit-player on her stage. She also thought her husband should act and speak, “…in a way that will not annoy me or make me angry.” Same idea, brought home from the parking lot.

You might say that this “place-holder” idea is the crux of all fights, arguments, wars, etc. It comes from the belief that my, (or my group’s) beliefs should trump (Hey! Trump!!! This is how he thinks, writ large!!! But I digress…) everyone else’s. And others believe exactly the same thing about their views.

A friend asked me to explain self-indulgence, and I wrote:

– not accepting reality. It’s like bitching about something, and then waking up to realize that no one cares that you don’t like it, and nothing changes anyway.

It’s about letting go of the need to object to what is.

Shifting to being present with what is.

Otherwise, you’re letting your imagination and internal theatre determine your experience with what is, and that means you’re missing what is happening by passing it through your “it’s not fair!” filters, and that’s… self indulgent.

The key here is to see our walk for what it is: a solo venture, with others walking their path somewhere nearby. The sooner you “get” that others’ paths are equally important, you can turn your eyes inward–to finding out what you need to discover.

As I wrote to my friend, self-indulgence (which the Buddha might have called being asleep, or “ignorance,”) is

stopping yourself from being self-responsible because you think others aren’t cooperating.
It’s thinking that others should put your needs ahead of theirs.
It’s expecting special treatment, and then blaming externals when you don’t get what you want.

Wholeness, being awake, is this:

Knowing that what is in front of me is real, is my life. It is what it is, and my job is to relate with my life with elegance.
Elegance is acceptance of what is, combined with having the freedom to choose the next step.
My expectation for myself is that, rather than blaming others for where I am, I will accept responsibility, and will choose what I do based upon my being awake.

Not easy, as it requires that… well… you choose being awake over whining, finger-pointing, blaming. It requires a sole focus on seeing through the games and illusions that are offered to you, to the truth.

It’s your walk, and your path. Will you walk it awake, or asleep?

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