Wayne C. Allen's Blog, page 32

It’s ALL Perspective

Synopsis: It’s ALL Perspective: learning to see how you see, and witness how you create your reality, is a key Zen concept

Of Wayne’s many books, the one closest to today’s topic is: Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall

Last week, I concluded the article with this line: “Be water, and go with the flow. Everything else is an illusion anyway!” That last part is a dilemma for most.

Have a look at the above photo. Yes, it’s a photo, with a “paint” filter applied. I uploaded it to my Instagram account, with the caption, “Costa Rican traffic jam.”

OK, so I admit to taking the shot because of the bike rider, but I shoot a lot of stuff, and think about the shot later. I started fiddling with the photo, and did a crop, then a filter add. Once all of that was done, the caption just seemed appropriate.

Now, it would be easy to then come up with a story… about traffic jams, about bicyclists cutting in and out of traffic. Or, I could go off on distracting outfits, or on overcrowded conditions. Bad roads, any one?

What I’d like to suggest is that all of this would be a perspective… one seemingly taken from the reality of the photographic evidence right in front of you.

Couples in conflict do this all the time.

An event happens, (the photograph”) and if there is conflict, both people will likely come up with two different stories, each sub-consciously designed to “make my point.” And each will be adamant as to the truth of their perspective.

We decided to bring along the 3 seasons of “In Treatment,” a great show from a decade ago. It follows a psychotherapist as he works with his clients, and as he in turn goes to his supervisor. Last night, Paul (the therapist) was working with a couple. They were going to end their marriage.

Without trying to quote the episode, Paul attempts to say that he knows a couple who also decided to separate, and that they worked it through. The separation had been a catalyst for renewal.

The husband says, “What led to the split?”

Paul: “One of them had an affair, but that’s not the issue.”

Husband: “So, are you telling me that my wife had an affair?”

Paul: “No, of course not. I was talking about working through issues.”

Husband: “So, how do I work through my wife’s affair?”

You can see where this is going.

The guy took Paul’s small example, turned it into something it wasn’t, then converted it into truth, then into a hammer.

But back to the lead photo.

Here’s the original.

As you can see, the bike rider is entering the street between two parked cars. In fact, all of the cars plus the ambulance, are parked.

No cutting into traffic, no danger, no distractions.

The crop made an innocuous scene into something else. Just like we do, all the time, in real life.

Our perspectives, our stories, our judgements, are never “clean.” They are designed to make the point we are trying to make. In the “In Treatment” episode, the husband wants his wife to be wrong, guilty, to blame. So, he hears what he wants to hear, and then makes it “true.”

Which is a perfect strategy if you want someone to blame, but not so good if you are also saying you are working on the relationship.

The amazing part of this process is how quickly the stimulus (Paul’s story) flips into “truth.” And because the husband’s (unstated) goal is to make his wife the “bad guy,” there’s no insight happening at all.

No, “Wow. I just caught myself trying to blame you, and I just invented an entire story about you. I apologise. Paul. Tell me again what you were saying.”

Nope. All blame, all the time.

Traffic jam, when there isn’t one.

It is Zen to pay attention, both to the stimulus and the response. To see what you are doing, and to stop yourself when you notice yourself playing games.

You can make anything “true,” even when there’s a photo contradicting what you believe, because, perspective.

You stop doing this by paying attention to yourself. Making other choices. Admitting it when you’re inventing it as you go along.

Simple.

And hard.

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Retirement Beard

Synopsis: retirement beard — who are you doing what you do for?

So, bummer. I’m trying to type this on my tablet, using a Bluetooth keyboard, and I got 1/3 written and the program crashed. Merde.

Anyway, we’re in the middle of a 9 day road trip in Costa Rica. Our condo isn’t ready until the 27th. The compensation is that the three stops each have hot springs.

Wayne’s books on similar themes to today’s article:
This Endless Moment

~~~~~

So, the topic of the day is retirement beards, but not really. I just learned this term from a article. It seems that prominent people are growing full beards upon retirement. Dave Letterman is the most famous — he looks a bit like a deranged Santa Claus.

(c) dailymail.uk
That beard. Those eyes.

Yesterday, I was leaning on the balcony, smoking a cigar and talking with Darbella, and this came up. Ya just never know about topics. I’d been without hot water for shaving for 5 days, and my beard was filling in. I mentioned the article, and this led me down memory lane.

I’ve had a beard pretty much since 1975. The bank I worked at the 2 years previous would only let me have a mustache, so I grew it as soon as I could.

Following that, in the 80s, I got a perm and a ministry degree, and let the beard and hair go wild. I thought of it as a protest, and since I liked the minister outfits, I looked a bit like Rasputin.

I shaved off the beard for a year or so in the mid-90s, and again it was because I was “making a statement.” My present goatee dates back more than 5 years, and harkens to my love of Jazz, I guess.

I really do have a point.

As I was talking to Dar about retirement beards, I felt an urge to let mine grow, and I likely will. But then, I started to think about the things we do to “mark our tribes.”

As a child of the 60’s, I had the requisite long hair, bell bottoms, etc. I even had a Nehru jacket, and let me tell ya, that went out of style in a month.

I marched for civil rights and against the war in Viet Nam. I supported the proper left-wing causes. But really, I was mostly the outfit, reminding me of this ditty:

I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.

I see by your outfit that you are one too.

We see by our outfits that we are both cowboys.

If you buy an outfit, you can be a cowboy too.

The retirement beard is such a thing. An outfit, if you will. A “See? Up yours!” kind of statement, right up to “I can look like a bum! But I’m rich! See? I no longer care!”

And maybe they don’t, but it seems a bit desperate.

Me too. The Rasputin look was certainly designed to be in the face of others. Not that I was particularly aware of it at the time.

What I’m getting at here is that perhaps it might be more profitable to think a bit about how or whether we need to play to the crowd. To perhaps go in the opposite direction, and not play to the crowd at all.

I once had a client who was married to a guy who thought he was Jesus. The real one. He thought that when he died, God was going to really want to talk to him, and that in the mean time, the rest of us should do whatever he said.

His wife had had it, and was going to leave him.

Then, then next week, she couldn’t, and it was always, “What will people think?” She couldn’t get that no one cared. Took her 18 months of week by week back and forth to actually leave.

Or, here’s a story from my out-of-print book, Stories From the Sea of Life (you can get a copy by subscribing to the infrequent updates at our other site, http://www.phoenixcentrepress.com)

Being a Liberal

I had a brief couple of counselling sessions with a young woman, while I was counselling at a University. She was mostly concerned with her sex life, which was not turning out as she had planned.

We discussed it at length, because there was no depth. She was in her first year, and she wanted to be in an adult relationship, and be loved. So, she had been picking up men in campus bars. She’d see a guy, think he was cute, start a conversation and end up in his bed. Or hers. The few men that hung around past morning rapidly lost interest in her, or started cheating on her. In bars.

We discussed the possibility that men in bars, on average, were not there looking for the woman they were going to marry. They were looking for a one night stand. She thought she should be able to change their mind. She agreed, after a bit, that maybe context and location was important. After all, you don’t buy lumber at plumbing stores.

By the next session, she reported she’d managed two weeks without going to a bar. This, she thought, was good, but had certainly diminished her chances for a relationship. So, she had joined the campus Liberal Party. She had gone to a rally. She had bumped into a guy who was cute. They talked, had a sandwich. They went back to the rally. He stood behind her. His hands wandered into her clothes. She thought, “I’ve found true love!” She took him to her room. They had sex. He left in the morning.

I asked her why she’d consented to sex on the first date, with a stranger. She replied, “Because I’m a Liberal.” I said, “Pardon me???!!!” She said, “If you’re a Liberal and someone asks you for sex, you have to say yes. You obviously don’t understand.” End of therapy.

The only way this situation can change is for the young lady to decide to change her understanding of what she will allow to happen in her life. She needs to watch the outcomes and notice the patterns. She needs to stop associating sex with love. She needs to take responsibility for her outcomes. Otherwise, she is doomed to change locales, but never change her level of self-esteem.

And imagine what would have happened if she’d been an N.D.P.!

OK, so my point? Be water.

No, really.

Decide to be you, for you. Go with who you are, not who you think others want you to be. Don’t just go along for the ride.

Don’t just wear the tee shirt. If you believe in social action, go be active. Less talk, more action, and less concern about how your act is playing.

If your identity is mixed up in your facial hair, or the length of your skirt, or some other external, let it go.

Be who you are, without reservation, but… do it for you.

Be water, and go with the flow. Everything else is an illusion anyway!

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Yin and Yang – the dance

synopsis: yin and yang are meant to balance–to dance. But sometimes, we have to help.

Well, last weekend in Canada for a while. Back in September for our niece’s wedding. We’re doing a bit of driving around in Costa Rica for the fist 10 days, but hopefully will have Internet to send out articles.

Wayne’s books, related to today’s topic:
This Endless Moment


I’ve spoken about yin and yang from different angles before.

A couple of weeks back, I used the title The Curse of the Evil Twin to describe a slightly more malevolent version of this.

I was recently talking with a friend, and she made an interesting discovery. The voices in her head were quite related to the yin and yang sides of her body. She was able to access (by just listening to herself internally, then free flowing out loud) the yin voice.

So, we listened and thought about what it was saying and doing.

The yin voice was greatly into justifying its need to protect her. Which is interesting, because actual, physical protection is more of a yang thing. What this voice was doing was total yin, though.

The yin voice was used to helping her stuff her feelings, while appearing wise, so what it wanted to do was divert me from discovering its tricks. The first foray was to try to take control. As in, “Let’s approach this slowly, gently.” I laughed, and said that I wasn’t interested in being controlled. I was interested in what was going on.

So, it shifted to a bit of sarcasm. “You sure you know what you’re doing?” Which was interesting, because I wasn’t really doing all that much. Then, other distractions. Diversions.

Finally, it gave up for a bit, and slid background. Once the yin side decided to take a step back from trying to control everything, what opened up was a lot of pain and anger. Yang material.

Now, having a pretty aggressive yang side myself, I know how noisy this side can be. I’ve heard this energy called “aggress-energy,” and that seems about right.

We all have both sides. Most learn to stuff the yang side, but men, of course, might be more comfortable stuffing the yin. Most men learn to repress the yang side, because of the bad results they get when they “yang” in an uncontrolled way.

What happens is this, for all of us, no matter our sex: we feel that “aggress-energy,” and we scare ourselves, and we put up a firm wall to keep it bottled up. The wall is constructed by tightening our muscles, (principally jaw, then pelvis, and finally chest.) The jaw is often the key to the kingdom.

Anyway, because being mute is seldom much fun, our more intuitive, flowing, yin side often steps in, and tries to soft-pedal. Or divert. Or pretend we’re not angry (a biggie.)

We might even begin to convince ourselves.

Back when I was training to be a therapist, I led a group for women who had just separated. One woman was a quite petite person, with a big grin perpetually plastered on her face, even when she was describing some pretty grim things.

After a few weeks, I asked her if she’d be willing to try a physical experiment. “Of course!” she said, grinning widely.

I picked up a 2 foot square pillow, had her stand, said, “Pretend this is your ex,” and pushed her with the pillow.

Nothing.

I pushed again. The smile slipped a bit. Another push. “Don’t,” said she, smile gone. One more push.

She “yanged right out.” Smacked that pillow. Knocking me back. She pounded that pillow for 30 minutes. I outweighed her by more than 50 pounds, but she knocked me back and forth across the room. I finally had to put the pillow on the floor, and she climbed on it and pounded the crap out of it.

When she finally wound down, she looked serene. Balanced. Said she: “I’m tired of being someone’s Barbie doll.”

Now, the hard part to get is none of this had anything to do with me, the pillow, or her ex.

It was all about her, and what she’d been holding inside for 40 years. And, and this is key, she’d discovered a safe way to get it out. A heavy bag or a mattress would have worked just as well.

Because, you see, this energy goes nowhere. It just gets bottled up, and then the physical symptoms start, as well as mental confusion about the internal turbulence. Sleep issues are common.

My friend from the other day needed to do some screaming and some mattress kicking. She’s nowhere near to done, and texted me that the sadness was much closer to the surface.

Good!

More pounding and screaming, more releasing of the yang energy.

Without judgement.

And not directed at others. Just vented safely. Then, the body begins to heal, and yin and yang can once more dance.

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Breaking Through Beliefs

Synopsis: Breaking Through Beliefs — it’s easy to get caught in the rightness of our beliefs.

We’re down to our last week in Canada, having spent a weekend in Buffalo. We fly to Costa Rica next Monday!


Wayne’s books, related to today’s topic:
This Endless Moment,
Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall

So, this guy I know likes to think he’s the smartest guy in the room. In fact, he’ll go so far as to declare himself so. He also has somehow persuaded his wife to play this game.

He’ll say something, and then look at her, and she’ll go, “Oh! I never thought of it that way! You’re so smart!” or “You sure do know a lot!”

It’s kinda gag-worthy, especially since I know that I’m the smartest person in the room… ROTFL

The other day, he (after 7 beers in 4 hours) told me for a second time in a month or so why he despises the queen. It occurred to me that he was pretty stuck. What I noticed was that his belief system seemed “fixed.” Despite being well-read and knowledgeable, there’s no room for movement in his thinking.

So, maybe we could say he’s smart, but not wise

I see this phenomenon a lot–people getting stuck in a “thought trough.” Somewhere, sometime, they concluded something, and dynamite can’t budge them from it. In relationships, it’s often around rules and roles. Who should do what with which, and to whom kind of things.

It also happens for people in the infamous categories “Mommy told you not to talk about.” Sex, religion, politics. My favourite story here involved a young couple we knew. Both were staunch Baptists; he’d been to Bible College. He’d regularly go off on his view of sin and hell, to which he was sure I was going.

Then, in short order, she got a breast enlargement, and he and she started doing the “hotwife” thing, which Urban Dictionary defines as:

“A married woman who has sexual relations with other men, with the husbands approval. Usually while the husband watches or joins.”

Of course, I have no trouble with “hotwives” or any other thing anyone wants to do, provided everyone agrees. My problem is the contradiction between his Baptist rants, and his lifestyle choices. Not very wise.

It begs the question: why is this so hard for us to see? I guess, given the young man’s protestations, that he’s got his Christian beliefs well and truly boxed up, and unavailable for discussion, let alone change. In another sealed box, his sex life, and never are the two to meet.

Same with the first story. He’s got a “queen belief” in one box, and “Catholicism beliefs” in another, and again, there is no room for movement on either of those those. Among others.

These rigidities feel good to us, because what kicks in a certain sense of invincibility. I know what I know because what I know is right, and besides, I know it.

If that seemed redundant, it’s because it is. It’s based upon belief, and that’s one of those difficult things. It’s altogether another thing to recognize how tenuous belief is. Yet, that is where wisdom lies.

I think it’s really important to subject your beliefs and knowledge to the test

The test is, how is my belief going over? How are others reacting to my rigid statements of belief? Such questions allow us to open up a bit, and lightly explore.

In general, I’m actually not talking about changing or denying your beliefs, by the way, although that might happen.

With the “hotwife” guy, there has to be a moment or two where he questions how this fits with his rigid Christian fundamentalism. Because the way things are, there is a huge contradiction. If he notices, he might also notice how he’s keeping those two sets of beliefs separate and segregated; they just can’t live together.

And noticing, he might then take some time to explore the two sets, and see how he keeps them apart. He then might want to look at his Christian and secular views re. sex. And work at bringing them into agreement.

This is the Zen of not knowing

Not knowing is not “not knowing” — it’s being flexible. It’s holding beliefs lightly, and remaining open to the possibility of another viewpoint or two. It’s deciding, perhaps, not to decide — not to hold one’s beliefs rigidly. It’s acknowledging that there are tons of cultural – religious – political belief systems out there, and having a death-grip on any of them is often a problem.

It might even be holding on to your beliefs, yet letting others off the hook — not shoving your views down others’ throats. Becoming more and more comfortable simply being with others, without needing them to believe what you believe, without insulting their beliefs, without needing to judge.

Not easy, especially with one’s closely held beliefs, but better than ending your life having never felt the freedom of just letting go.

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The Curse of the Evil Twin

Synopsis: The Evil Twin is my shorthand for the part of us that gets us into trouble… and we often don’t even notice

So, April 5 is our 30th wedding anniversary! Darbella is my best friend and so important to me, and I’m both honoured and humbled that she’s chosen to hang out with me for 3 decades plus!

Wayne’s books, related to today’s topic:
This Endless Moment,
Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall


One of the hardest things to do, when relating, is to give up control.

Not SELF-control. OTHER-control.

I was visiting with a friend last week, and she’s at the “I think it’s over” stage of her 3 year relationship. I’d met her partner a couple of times, but really didn’t have a good idea about him. I know her, on the other hand, pretty well.

I used to call her ex-husband her “fourth son.” He would quite regularly do quite immature things, and not see it–he always had an excuse. She spent most of time lecturing him on his flaws, and insisting that he act differently.

The new guy? A slight shift, but still immature. He doesn’t like to be questioned or challenged; he gets angry, then runs away and hides for a few days.

In both cases, the issue, the trigger, remains unresolved. Because they all refuse to SELF-reflect

So, anyway, I was listening to her talk about how this was “it;” the relationship wasn’t going to make it. My friend mentioned, in passing, that her boyfriend, growing up, had had issues with his father. Dad was hyper-critical, and as a kid, her partner tried to comply, but as a teen… you might have guessed it… he started fighting back, yelling, screaming, doing the “You can’t tell me what to do!” thing. I imagine he also used to hide at his friends’, but have no evidence for that one.

I heard it, filed it, and missed the point.

My friend “bought into” one aspect of this. Her partner often tells her that he has no control over his temper. He’s been like this, he says, for 20 plus years, and when “he gets triggered,” he has no choice but to blow up. What he wants is for her never, never, ever, to do anything he could set himself off over.

See the issue? It’s her problem–she is supposed to control herself so he doesn’t have to control himself!

She actually bought into his inability to control his temper. She has tried to modify her approach to him, but ended with, “…but I can’t help myself. I lecture a lot, and then I do get angry. It’s how I am.”

This certainly is her pattern, in both of the relationships I’ve known her during.

I talked with her about my own temper, which was more like “attack mode.” I noted that, back in 1982, I stopped flaring up and ripping people a new one, with only one or two slips since then. I have learned to incorporate that energy (let’s call it yang, for the moment) back into my quieter, adopted “yin” approach.

A day or so later, I was thinking about this article, and was playing around with the recent conversation, and I had a bit of an insight.

Both my friend and her (soon to be ex?) partner are caught, and what they are caught in is “the curse of the evil twin.”

What I realized was that when her partner deigned to speak, he played the “I’m helpless” card. “This is how I am: and I’ve been this way since I was a kid, and my dad was abusive… sniff, sniff… and I can’t control myself…”

In other words, “I’ve been acting like a child since I was… well… a child, and I there’s nothing I can do.” I guess we should all be happy he didn’t get stuck at the point where he was still shitting in his diapers.

And my friend, well, she lectures. She sighs a lot. And her pattern, stretching back decades, is to pick men who need fixing. The question is: can she give this up, and choose to be with an adult? Jury’s out.

Another version of this one is the parents who continually treat their grown children like kids, and then complain that they never grow up.

“I’m not a kid! I’m not! I’m not!

That one triggered yet another story-memory. 10 years ago, I was talking with the 30-year-old daughter of a friend. He was very much the guy who wanted to be seen as “big daddy–rescuer.” He was almost paralyzed if there wasn’t a problem to bemoan, then fix.

Anyway, she and her husband had a house and land, and had built a place for her mom and dad next door. Many mornings, she’d exit her morning shower, dance naked into her living room, and there would be dad. She’d scream at him, wrap herself in a towel, and demand that he “respect her privacy!” He’d say, “Kids shouldn’t mind their fathers checking up on them, and I’ve seen it all before, so get over yourself and make ma a coffee.”

I sighed, got up, grabbed her hand, tugged her over to the front door, and pulled it open. I shut it, locked it. Tried and failed to open it. “Does he have a key?”

Wide-eyed amazement, shake of the head (no key) and, “I never thought of that! He’ll be so mad. You’re sure it’s OK if I lock the door?”

She’s 15 when she won’t lock the door (back then, she wasn’t allowed to, but now???), and plays right into dad’s game of keeping his kids under his thumb.

To restate: the naked, dancing adult reverts to her towel-wrapped 15-year-old self, standing in the middle of her room, screaming at her intruding dad. In that moment, she is not only behaving like a 15-year-old, she IS 15.

And, key point, she doesn’t notice! She says, “What else can I do?”

Lock the frigging door, that’s one thing.

The biggest myth out there is, “I can’t help myself, it’s just the way I am (do things.)” Despite the fact that, as an adult, you’ve changed a myriad of things. But… this one is hard.

What, you thought it was easy?

Here’s the short form of the fix.

1) Make a decision, when you are not “wound up,” that your evil twin is no longer allowed to take over.

Now, remember, this is not easy. In the examples above, the dysfunctional behaviour has been going on for decades. And boy, have they come up with excuses and defenses for carrying on. (“My father yelled at me 20 years ago!!!”)

You’ll need to sit quietly, either with yourself or with a therapist, and go over all the reasons you use to justify acting out — evil twinning, if you will. Those reasons, when you are heated, hold sway.

2) Picture the last time you “lost it.”

Close your eyes, and bring back your last “set-to.” Take a moment to see if you can trace it back to it’s source. (For me, it’s being 8, short, and picked on, and being told by a respected adult to defend myself with my mouth.) I want you to connect the beginning with the current result, so you “get” that your behaviour is either infantile or juvenile.

Now, re-trigger the last set-to, and register what’s happening in your body. Where are you tightening? What are you feeling?

Stop! Now trigger the memory again, and tell yourself to slow the process down. You can do this! Where, specifically, do you feel the first tightening or discomfort? Drop the thought, and feel the place that’s the start of the feeling. Give it a rub, a tough, a poke.

3) Now, have a coffee. Then, give your body a shake. Now, trigger your adult self, and park your evil twin.

Have a chat with yourself, adult to adult. What will your new behaviour look like? For me, it was a) clamp mouth shut, b) breathe, take a minute, and c) respond calmly, quietly, and from my adult place.

What’s yours?

4) Make a deal with yourself

Here’s the crux. You will need to join together the bodily feeling you found (the tightness) with a dead stop. A “whew, I almost bit on that one!” stop. And then, you make a pact with yourself that, in the pause, you will trigger your new behaviour (step 3 above) Every time!

5) Here’s the kicker: you can’t make excuses!

Your evil twin isn’t going anywhere. Mine still screams and demands, but does it in my head, and this is 33 years later. Same for you. Your evil twin is going to say, repeatedly, “But… but… anyone would react to this provocation!!!”

In the end, your evil twin is a bad habit, and, like stopping smoking, you can’t sorta stop. You gotta stop excusing acting like a child. You gotta step up, and be an adult, no matter what.

Because the world is a classroom, you will be tested. Provoked, prodded. Stand firm. And remember: if, like my friend, you got into a relationship with someone just for the drama and to have your buttons pushed, you choosing differently likely won’t mean your partner will change.

They’d have to decide the same thing you decided… to do this work, and stop being a child.

My friend with the towel actually did shift her side of things, and dad spent months trying the door. And then trying other things. She chose differently, and ignored him.

Your evil twin is a child, and acts and speaks like one.

Maybe it’s time to grow up!!!

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The Fixer-Upper

0968444628, 0968444660, 0987719270, 0987719211, 0987719238

Want depth and meaning? If you want a great relationship, read my books!

Synopsis:The Fixer-upper: people aren’t projects, and it’s not your job to fix others.

A tweak here, a tweak there…
It’s been fascinating, being back in Canada, and discovering that relationships are still screwy–other than ours, of course.

In almost all of the relationship-based conversations I’ve had, the person speaking lists off the sins… real and perceived… of their partner. And then! Miracle of miracles! The speaker knows exactly what the other person needs to do to “get fixed up!”

It’s a bloody miracle, how perceptive these people are… about what the other person’s failings are, about what the other person does to break communication, about how the other person doesn’t call enough, or calls on the wrong schedule, or wants them to do things differently.

I especially like the latter one.

Before I retired, back when I was counselling, I’d be working with a couple, and one of them would start in… almost universally, this would be the “startee” presenting his or her list of the sins, omissions and commissions… of their partner.

Typically, the other person would jump in with a “…if you think that’s bad, just wait until you hear what (s)he does!”

Sometimes I’d cut it off quickly, sometimes I’d let it play out. I wasn’t however, interested in any of it.

One of my favourite things, though, was to let them go for a bit, then turn to whoever started, and say, “So, if I’m following you, what you want is for him/her to change his ways. To shift his behaviour… to do things your way. Right?”

Thinking I was on board, I’d get a big smile and a nod.

“So,” I’d continue, “why don’t you just stop what you’re doing and change your behaviours to go along with what (s)he wants? (S)he was pretty clear…”

And boom, I was the new target.

“But… but, that’s nuts! (S)he’s wrong and (s)he needs to change! That’s why I brought him/her here! So you could fix him/her! And I even told you what kind of tile I wanted in the bathroom!”

Well, not the last line, but the rest of it.

Not once in 32 years did I hear, “Jeez, you’re right! I’m trying to change him, he’s trying to change me. Why do I think my way is right… for him?” (And vice versa, of course.)

All of this happens because people are dumb, and think others are fixer-uppers.

In other words, and I was guilty of this in my second marriage, (thanks be that I smartened up for round three, as Darbella is not noted for suffering fools…

The Use of a Good, Zen Stick

Synopsis: Zen Stick: sometimes, we need a smack upside our heads, metaphorically, of course.

Apologies for not showing up in your in-box last week… I caught a cold or something, the chief symptom of which was exhaustion. I swear I was sleeping 18 hours a day for more than a week. I’m still feeling it, but am at least able to get some stuff done.

The Zen Stick

Every Friday I get an e-mail from Shambhala Publications, with a little Zen quote. I was going to write the “stick” article, and then, today’s quote showed up, which is sort of such a stick:

INWARD & OUTWARD VIEWS

To cling to oneself as Buddha, oneself as Zen or the Way, making that an understanding, is called clinging to the inward view. Attainment by causes and conditions, practice and realization, is called the outward view. Master Pao-chih said, “The inward view and the outward view are both mistaken.”

—Pai-chang

The Zen Reader (aff. link)

edited by Thomas Cleary, page 54

Interestingly, Master Pao-chih could have also said, “The inward view and the outward view are both correct.”

Now, about that stick.

Zen is filled with stories of stuff like students being tossed out a window as a way to get them to wake up. In some Zen Temples today, a person wanders around with a bamboo rod, and thwacks you across the shoulders if you slump or doze.

So that’s sorta my guidepost. Er. Stick.

But for me, it’s never physical. I prefer a good verbal thwock.

For Darbella and me, there’s “Or… you could get over yourself.” This line, admittedly used more by Dar in my direction, is a reminder for those times when I wind myself up and start ranting. I’m caught in my own stew, and even after decades, that line does wonders.

I used this line with a friend the other day, who posted a link on Facebook: “46 Things to say to an anxious child.” I figured that was about 45 too many. Life isn’t a negotiation — you’re either awake, or not.

Friends reported being on a plane, and the flight attendant wanted the mom behind them to buckle up her 7 year old for landing.

Quoth the mom, “You’ll have to wait, I’m negotiating with her.”

Get out the Zen stick.

Which is all about cutting through the bull, and stating the obvious. And the obvious is always, “Deal with it. Stop telling yourself stories. Do something different.”

That’s really the point, too, with the above quote from Pao-chih. His idea is that these two schools, inner and outer, are like any other division. As soon as you turn away from the actual thing, you’re missing the point. If you pick a side, and then argue for the “rightness or correctness” of the view, maybe even giving your life for the perspective you hold, all you have is the description.

Now, of course, all of this can be confusing, because we are conditioned to try to “get it right.” The belief in right or rightness becomes a substitute for the actual thing. And we end up living our lives starving to death surrounded by food.

It’s like imagining eating a slice of pizza, as opposed to actually eating one.

Another Zen story goes, short version, that a Master spoke often on emptying your mind. A disciple said, “My mind is empty, now what do I do?”

The Master replied, “Drive it out! Get rid of it! Don’t stand there in front of me with nothing in your mind!

Get it?

The disciple’s mind was filled with thoughts of how empty his mind was — thoughts of how advanced he was, seeing that his mind was empty! Oops!

Caught by the thought. Trout on a line.

As I said above, inner and outer are also both true and valid paths. The problem comes when you make one or the other the only path. “This is what I do” is helpful. “This is right…” not so much.

The problem with being a wishbone

Many are the people who get something in their heads — something someone told them, some belief or definition about themselves (or about how the world works) and all they have is grief and misery.

So, they build a fence, a wall, around the belief, and keep operating from within it, getting the same lousy results, feeling like crap, and nothing changes.

So, they try harder.

And harder.

And things get worse, and they still don’t get it.

The belief they hold is leading them to destruction. It doesn’t matter how well thought out the belief is. If it gets you lousy results, it is ineffective.

Zen stick.

Stop it. Now! No excuses, no, “But… but… why can’t I have what I want?”

Answer: because chocolate ice cream is never going to become spaghetti.

No matter how difficult you make it, the only thing that will change a thing is to do something different. To stop thinking. To stop analyzing.

To act differently.

It’s not inner or outer, right or wrong.

It’s “What shall I do, this time, to simplify, to get over myself, to act?”

Zen stick.

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Self Responsibility and Waking Up

This is post 10 of 10 in the series “A Way Inside”

Synopsis: self responsibility is all about bringing yourself under your own control, and accepting that you are in charge of you.

My latest painting, and the lovely Darbella

So, here we are at the end of a 10-part series, on “Self Responsibility.” I trust you’ve made sense of what I’ve written, and are beginning or continuing to see ways to apply what we’ve been discussing.

I thought I’d use a photo of a painting I just completed of Darbella; just because.

First, I’ve been painting again, which is neat. I’ve completed 4 so far this trip back to Canada, and have couple more ready to start. I thought 5 would be the magic number, but apparently, it’s higher.

Second, back when we were doing therapy together, our therapist used to call Dar “The Buddha,” which is actually not so far-fetched. She certainly does “get” all of this most of the time, and even more importantly for me, has the patience to put up with me, especially when I struggle.

And of course, I do!

This self responsibility stuff is annoying–I choose to annoy myself over it. Mostly when I’m doing “indignant,” which is my pet go-to behaviour when things aren’t going the way I think they ought to, as I tend to have pretty good “eyes” for what’s up, and a very short temper.

Now, back in the old days, that meant I yelled. Now, I seethe. See? Big improvement!

Actually, it is, though, because I choose it. As opposed to playing the very familiar, “This is how I am” card. And all of this comes back to choice.

We talked about that. Choice. Back in week 8. Change and choice. Remember?

Well, the most popular excuse in the world is to blame “whatever” — parenting, genes, disposition, situations and circumstances — for not making better choices. In truth, it’s just easier.

And easy seldom is. It is familiar. however.

It takes a ton of maturity, otherwise known as self responsibility, to continually choose to wake up and choose differently. To take the other path. To use your eyes and ears and really figure out what’s going on.

Easier, far easier, to pull out old behaviour, and then apologize for the mess.

As I said, I’ve been known to do this. And sure, I could blame it on my upbringing, or on being short.

A particularly weird story has it (according to my mom) that I was being picked on, this in 3rd grade. The gym teacher, also short, took me aside and said I had to learn to defend myself with my mouth. I did. I became great at finding weak points and exploiting them. I avoided fights by destroying people from the inside.

I still want to. Oh boy, do I want to. I just don’t.

Because, being awake is important to me.

So, since 1982, I’ve bit my tongue. Well, at least I don’t direct my bile at the people involved. I find more caring and helpful ways to address things. But, as Dar often hears, I still have those choice bits in mind.

And once in a while, carefully, I might just toss one out!

A couple of weeks back we were in Spanish class, and this guy started rearranging tables. The prof asked him to stop, but he really wanted all of us to do it his way. After 30 seconds, I said, “Oh, for Pete’s sake, sit down and shut up!” But I said it in a way that caused him to start laughing.

That’s me, nearly losing it. Over tables.

But actually lose it I don’t. Because I don’t like the me I am when I do. So, I stop me. I don’t expect other to stop me, or to behave, or to make my life easy for me.

I stop me.

This is what self-responsibility looks like. It’s a dance… with yourself. A parade… with only you walking. It’s a solo act, witnessed by the masses.

It’s all about you.

So, go for it! Find your sticking points, and get out the WD40.

What are you waiting for?

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It Is What It Is

This is post 9 of 9 in the series “A Way Inside”

Synopsis: It is What It Is is at the heart of the Tao, and tells us we need to accept and move on.

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This is not what I signed on for!

This little slogan is at the heart of what we’ve been on about for the last 9 articles (including this one!) It’s also put as “The way it is, is the way it is.” To which we say, “Of course!”

Until something happens that we judge to be “wrong.”

Then, out comes the petulant 4-year-old, pouting, crying, moaning, gnashing. “This isn’t fair! This shouldn’t be happening to me! I want it to be some other way! Wah, wah, wah.

Back in my early days of counselling, I worked with a female client who was beside herself. Her husband was hyper-critical, and no matter what she did, he’d find something wrong. She tried and tried to please him–to get him to treat her “the way she should be treated.”

Since this wasn’t working, we spent a lot of time looking at alternatives.

For instance, I suggested that her job was NOT to make her husband happy. It was to live her life, and to share it with him.

Except, he wasn’t interested. He wanted her to be different. And the kicker was, when she shifted her behaviour to match what he said he wanted, he’d say “You’re still wrong, and now I want you to do this!”

He came in for one session. I positioned the two of them in chairs opposite my chair. Throughout the session, he kept trying to move his chair next to me. After a couple of tries, I said, “Look. You’re a client, not my co-therapist. Knock it off!”

He crossed his arms and glared at me, then said I was a lousy therapist for not fixing his wife.

Anyway, he only came once, and by the next session, miracle of miracles, his little “slidy-chair” routine had convinced my client that he was never going to become the loving husband she so badly wanted.

So, she divorced him. I actually testified for her at the divorce proceeding, the details of which, of course, he was challenging. His lawyer was no better at manipulating me than he was — my client got what she was looking for.

A few months passed, and she called and booked another appointment.

She was really sad and depressed. Why?

Quoth she: “I tried and tried, and divorced him, and now, when we talk (mostly about their kid) he still won’t listen to me, and he criticizes and judges everything I do!”

Me: “So, you thought divorcing him would smarten him up?” (She nodded, sniffing.) “Here’s a flash for you. The way he is, is the way he is. You had a kid with him, so you’re stuck dealing with him until your kid grows up. Accept it, and move on.”

Accept it, and move on.

Accept it, and move on!

“But… but… I don’t wanna!!! It’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to! (S)he can’t treat me this way! I’m not done hurting myself over this!”

Crap.

Accept it, and move on.

Not condone. Accept

The “move on” part fixes the situation, provided you don’t set yourself up to repeat it. Maybe it needs saying: you need to do your life differently, or the whack situation is going to repeat, maybe with variations, but repeat.

Example: two friends are divorcing. They never resolved a single issue while married. I keep saying: “Your issue was that you never communicated–never resolved an issue. You need to spend a lot of time practicing good communication, or you’re going to have the same situation over again.”

They nod, then immediately go back into their back-stories, none of which have anything to do with what caused the marriage to fail.

Accept it, and move on. In this case, move on by learning how to actually communicate with a member of one’s preferred sex.

Time, methinks, to get offa me arse…

Here’s the key to all of this: the way it is, is the way it is. Regardless of your opinion. Regardless of what you think is fair. Regardless of your preferences. The cosmos doesn’t care that you don’t like it, and as the poster on my therapist’s office says:

No one is coming.

No rescue. No, “If I pray about it, things will change.” No karma, no payback.

It is what it is.

So, stop dragging your feet, and deal with the situation that exists, right in front of you, as opposed to the one you wish existed.

If you need a sniffle break, have one — I know I do. I need to whine and judge and curse.

But then, and by then I mean 15 minutes, not 25 years, get up, blow your nose, and get real. Look closely at how you got where you got to (hint: you walked there, due to your choices, or “fate” played a hand and you got clobbered), and here you are.

Now what?

Well, you are going to have to deal with it, not bitch about it.

Period.

We live in a real world, and in this world, things happen. Some things are shitty things, some are great, but it’s a crap-shoot out there. No one is exempt from having to deal with all of it.

Dealing starts with: Accept it, and move on.

Because, “the way it is, is the way it is!”

Until you do something differently. Because in the end, it’s all about you and your next move.

This is otherwise known as growing up and being an adult!

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On Change and Choice

This is post 8 of 8 in the series “A Way Inside”

Synopsis: Change and choice are not the same. One is possible… the other is not.

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This pair of terms are not, as we use them, synonymous. Ben Wong and Jock McKeen talked about the two a lot, and Ben would often say, “Change isn’t possible, but choice always is.”‘

This is a hard one to swallow, as we’ve all been conditioned to believe that change is not only possible, but essential.

Let’s be clear here: we’re talking about changing our internal predispositions, not, say, something physical. Getting taller as we grew up, for example, is surely a change.

Our personalities are set at a young age; our proclivities toward compliance / aggression, cheerful / moody, etc. seems to be wired in. That last one is one I’ve struggled with.

Melancholy at 22

I describe myself as melancholy; I might “do” happy, but that feeling is fleeting. My “norm” is somewhere right around neutral. And from there, I can and do pulse upward, and can, and have, spiraled downward.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in a blue mood, and created a terrible morning. Dar and I were due to head off to Spanish class, and I was sure I couldn’t, couldn’t make it. Darbella, who has seen me in these moods before, reminded me that I could stay home, but stated that she would prefer that I went.

I wailed and moaned and gnashed my teeth, and then went.

The first hour was torture; I parsed verbs while contemplating deep and dark thoughts. An hour later, my mood started to lift, and by the end of class, I was ready for pizza.

Now, I’m not making light of depression, of which this was the skinny edge. Been there, done that. I’ve been caught in depression for as long as 5 months–I was as down as far as one can go and survive–numerous times in my adulthood.

In keeping with today’s thought, I just want to say: my nature is neutral to blue to deeper in the hole, and I can’t change that. Not with decades of self-work. Can’t.

But I could choose to get up from my chair of woe, and go to class, and interact with Dar and others, and see what happened. Past experience told me it likely would help me to lift my mood.

I made a choice, a one-off choice, based upon… well… the choices I’d made in the past.

I wrote a booklet about this, btw; about how to deal with depression (or other things you’d like to do differently.) It’s called “The Watcher,” and it’s available here

Anyway, many are the folk who get stuck on their desire to change, and what with the impossibility of that, they get caught in a cycle of planning, trying, failing, and beating up on themselves.

This happens especially in the early going: they bend their will to their desire to change, and do indeed shift something. Better results! They get all happy and proud of themselves, and then, boom.

The old thing returns.

Well, of course it did. Our internal tendencies make up who we are, and a lot of that stuff is ancient, and impossible to unearth, let alone get rid of.

Missing in all of this is the simple realization of what happened:

a) identified an aberrant behaviour or belief.

b) thought up and alternative,

c) implemented the alternative

d) got different results

e) liked the new results

Here comes the error.

f) thought the issue had been permanently fixed (that they’d changed.)

And… here I am again!

Nope. All they did was make another choice, and thereby got different results. The flaw is not recognizing that this new behaviour will have to be consciously applied, each time, forever… or until you die, which ever comes first.

Choice is ongoing, while our stupidities are predictable.

Yup. Nothing creative about us. All we change is the dance partner and the location. The dumbness is consistent.

That doesn’t mean we can’t choose another path. Nothing is stopping us from choosing. Except us.

This week, notice how often the things you don’t like about yourself are “just there.” Notice how easy it is to give in and “do the same old shit,” and how often you wish you were different.

Then, have a breath, and ask yourself, “What one thing, right now, can I choose to do differently?” Then! Do. It.

It`s the Zen of moment-by-moment choice!

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