The Fixer-Upper
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Synopsis:The Fixer-upper: people aren’t projects, and it’s not your job to fix others.
A tweak here, a tweak there…It’s been fascinating, being back in Canada, and discovering that relationships are still screwy–other than ours, of course.
In almost all of the relationship-based conversations I’ve had, the person speaking lists off the sins… real and perceived… of their partner. And then! Miracle of miracles! The speaker knows exactly what the other person needs to do to “get fixed up!”
It’s a bloody miracle, how perceptive these people are… about what the other person’s failings are, about what the other person does to break communication, about how the other person doesn’t call enough, or calls on the wrong schedule, or wants them to do things differently.
I especially like the latter one.
Before I retired, back when I was counselling, I’d be working with a couple, and one of them would start in… almost universally, this would be the “startee” presenting his or her list of the sins, omissions and commissions… of their partner.
Typically, the other person would jump in with a “…if you think that’s bad, just wait until you hear what (s)he does!”
Sometimes I’d cut it off quickly, sometimes I’d let it play out. I wasn’t however, interested in any of it.
One of my favourite things, though, was to let them go for a bit, then turn to whoever started, and say, “So, if I’m following you, what you want is for him/her to change his ways. To shift his behaviour… to do things your way. Right?”
Thinking I was on board, I’d get a big smile and a nod.
“So,” I’d continue, “why don’t you just stop what you’re doing and change your behaviours to go along with what (s)he wants? (S)he was pretty clear…”
And boom, I was the new target.
“But… but, that’s nuts! (S)he’s wrong and (s)he needs to change! That’s why I brought him/her here! So you could fix him/her! And I even told you what kind of tile I wanted in the bathroom!”
Well, not the last line, but the rest of it.
Not once in 32 years did I hear, “Jeez, you’re right! I’m trying to change him, he’s trying to change me. Why do I think my way is right… for him?” (And vice versa, of course.)
All of this happens because people are dumb, and think others are fixer-uppers.
In other words, and I was guilty of this in my second marriage, (thanks be that I smartened up for round three, as Darbella is not noted for suffering fools… 
