Jon Acuff's Blog, page 159

The "R" word.

The easiest way for a store to make my wife mad is to have a complicated return policy. She refuses to shop at Forever 21 for this very reason. Their return policy is so complicated that the cashiers will often read it to you when you're making a purchase, kind of like a cop reading you Miranda Rights. "By purchasing this melon colored scarf you realize that should you ever take it out of the bag and merely make eye contact with it, that will forever be held against you in the court of no returns."

This type of frustration often manifests itself at Target. There have been a number of times when they've refused to make some return easy over an amount in question as small as a few dollars. The great irony is that Target will spend tens of millions of dollars trying to get people into their stores via advertising and then argue over $1.50 once they're at the returns counter. If they paused for a second, they would jump at the chance to pay a $1.50 to get a customer who over the course of her life will spend thousands of dollars in their store.

That's why I love places like LL Bean. You can bring a canoe on fire into their store and they'll take it back. Same with Wal-mart, a store we spend a considerable amount of time in. Although the Wal-mart in Franklin is situated in kind of a pit of despair parking lot, we still go pretty regularly. A few years ago, during one of our trips there, I saw something interesting that I've written about before. It was a powerful action that in a strange way reminded me of Christmas this year.

One afternoon, in the middle of an ordinary Saturday, the loudspeaker buzzed to life and a less than calm voice said, "All employees, we've got a Code Adam."

In seconds, every employee sprinted to the front doors. A few went outside to scan the parking lot, the others formed a wall blocking the exits. It was like an anthill had been kicked over.

Why?

Because a Code Adam means that a child is missing.

I imagine that most times, the child is found quickly and all is returned to right. That's what happened when I saw my first Code Adam. But for a few minutes, nothing in the store mattered as much as finding that missing kid. The world of commerce and price tags and sales figures stopped dead as they tried to locate a lost child.

And I think that's how God is too.

When I am lost. When like the prodigal son, I stumble from the father's grasp and gaze, I don't think He cries out "look at Jon sinning again! Look at him failing me again!" I think God cries, "Code Jon! Code Jon!"

And then He rushes outside, hoping to intercept me before I get in the wrong car, desperate to keep me from making the type of decision that is going to hurt me. Because He loves me. I am His delight. He longs, not likes, but longs to show us compassion.

And we are the reason for the greatest Code Adam moment in the history of all mankind, Christmas.

In the tinsel and the lights and the balsam flavored candles we forget that sometimes. It is a beautiful season. It is full of merriment and cheer, but at its heart, Christmas is a rescue.

From the safety and security of heaven, stormed Jesus. From the contentment and perfection of God rushed the Lord. Why? Because God had declared a Code Adam. A Code Jon. A Code Christy. A Code Stacy. A Code Chad. A Code Chris. A Code You.

When we were lost, He did more than just lock a store down. When we were beyond all hope he did more than sprint to the parking lot. He sent his son to the cross for us, to rescue us. And, he speaks this message in a thousand ways every day. He would move the mountains and the cosmos if it meant we came home safe. If it meant we returned to the father and he could stop saying, "Code Adam, Code Adam."

That's what I hope we all remember this Christmas.

The reason for the season is a rescue.

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Let's read a book together.

Last year, a bunch of us read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan together online.

I thought it was fun and I'd like to try something like that again. Only this time, it's not just me doing it in the morning before work or on the weekends. This time, building community on Stuff Christians Like is part of my job.

So what if we all read a book together, have me write some study questions and then find an interesting way to discuss it? Maybe skype or even a conference call or just online?

And, because Stuff Christians Like is read by more than 150,000 folks per month, we might even be able to talk a publisher into letting us all do a video chat with the author of whatever book we do.

You in?

If you are, please just respond with a "yes" in the comments section. The more yes comments we get, the easier it will be to tell the people I work for that this is something we should definitely do in 2011.

I'm certainly not asking for any kind of commitment right now, but if that sounds like it might be cool to you, please comment with a "yes."

Thanks!

Jon

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Zack Morris Prayers.

The other day, a phrase pastors have taught me can mean last week or last year, a friend of mine prayed a "Zack Morris Prayer." What's that? Allow me to explain.

My friend stood up in front of a few hundred people to close out a time of morning worship. This is what he said,

"Lord, thank you for blessing us. Thank you for your love. I want to praise you for what a great year you've had."

At this point, people in the crowd started to laugh. The idea of God having a "great year," is a little comical. Regardless of the recession, God is not going to have a down year. He won't sit up in heaven with Moses and Enoch saying, "Yeah, I was going to build an angel racquetball court, but with the down economy and what not I just don't think it would be prudent. When things turn around, maybe, but for now, Cherubim Courts is being put on pause."

That's silly, so people laughed and that's when my friend busted out the Zack Morris Prayer. In the middle of the prayer, he stopped what he was saying and directly addressed the crowd, "What? Seriously, he has had a good year." I call this a Zack Morris Prayer because Zack, the star of the show "Saved by the Bell," used to break the fourth wall often. That's when a television character speaks to the camera and the viewer at home.

Shows like the Office and Modern Family have made that practice commonplace, but in the 80s and 90s, that was pretty special. Growing up, the A-Team didn't break the fourth wall, Airwolf didn't break the fourth wall, Magnum P.I. had an inconceivably handsome mustache but even he didn't break the fourth wall. And then came Zack.

When not fronting his band, the Zack Attack, he would occasionally look at the camera and say, "Hey guys, isn't it weird that Tori rolls up the sleeves of her leather coat in some episodes? And where did this girl come from? Her magical arrival is more awkward than the time they completely switched out the mom on 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.' This is worse than when Jesse Spano got addicted to speed and sang, 'I'm so excited … I'm so scared.'"

I might have exaggerated a little there at the end, but that was the gist of what Zack Morris did. And it's similar to what we do, when in a steady flow conversation with God, we break out and address the crowd.

I'm fine with a Zack Morris Prayer, I have no problem with them on one condition. You can't call out someone in the crowd specifically. You should never stop in the middle of a prayer and say, "Janet, I hope you're listening. This next part is for you! Your ruffian ways about to be put on notice."

There is a chance though that I am weird, that I think about things others do not. For instance, can we agree the producers of AC Slater's new show "Saved by the Baby" spent approximately 2.2 seconds coming up with a name for that thing? You probably have not wasted time on that thought. But maybe you have noticed a Zack Morris Prayer. Maybe you've seen that.

In the middle of church or small group, has anyone you've been with ever addressed people in the room during the prayer as if they are having a fourth wall conversation?

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The crying room.

Last Saturday night, at the Dave Ramsey Christmas party, I saw my friend Daniel scoping out the room as he sat down. He saw that I was looking at him and said, "We're plotting our escape route if our baby gets crazy."

This is a classic parent move, you always have to understand exactly which path you'll take if your baby starts free style rhyming during an important event. In the old days at church, if your kid lost it, you had to pace the halls or sit out in your car. Now though, thanks to advanced "scream technology," life as a parent has dramatically improved with the invention of one thing – the crying room.

The crying room is like the Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon. It is a multi-sided room where the loudest, cryingest babies enter if they can't handle the service. (This is also where toddlers who are Calvinist go in when they ardently disagree with the free will message of the pastor.)

It's the perfect place for a screaming kid and parent, but there are five things you need to know about the screaming room:

1. You can't vote people into the room like Survivor.

Yeah, that kid might be going buck wild right now. He might be throwing the church/golf pencils like the "melon-pult" on Plants vs. Zombies. But you can't get your row together and take a vote like on Survivor to send that kid to the crying room. It just doesn't work that way.

2. You can't send your kid by himself.

There's really only seating for two in the crying room. You can't just lean over to your kid and say, "Hey, that's it. Three strikes, you're out of here. Go to the crying room. I'll see you after church is over." As a parent you have to always accompany your kids.

3. Your crying room radar is always seven minutes late.

By the time you realize you need to send your kid to the crying room the rest of the church has already known for seven minutes. As parents we have "oh that's adorable" goggles which make us see a lot of what our kids do as adorable. Other people don't have that. They can tell it's go time a lot faster than you can.

4. You will get a cold in there.

Unless you bust out a hazmat suit and coat yourself with a thick layer of Vick's VapoRub, you are leaving the crying room with a cold. This is happening. Kids are like little mucus machines. The other night my kids had a nose blowing contest in the bathtub. Let me correct that, a "tissue-less nose blowing contest." If your kid starts crying in church, you might not know what he's yelling, but let me translate, "Mom, we're going in the crying room. I hope you like colds!"

5. You can't complain in there.

Once you're in the crying room, all bets are off. You can't complain about anyone causing a fuss. A kid could pickpocket you in the crying room and you have no recourse. It's like the wild, wild west in there. Street justice is all that stands. Don't ever complain about a kid crying when you're in the crying room.

My last bit of advice is pretty simple, but critical nonetheless.

Guys, don't ever confuse the crying room with the "nursing room." Those two rooms are very, very different and mixing them up would be an epic fail.

Does your church have a crying room?

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Christmas Traditions.

Last night, my family and I went to a Christmas party. At this party, our friend brought one of his photo booths. Hilarity ensued as my family got in.

In the first photo, you see things go see my kids go from smiling laughter to all out craziness.

In the second photo, L.E. goes in solo and just gets silly from the get go.

In the third photo, Jenny and I start off good, but then I try to give her a mouth kiss. Sometimes in public settings, I like to embarrass her by kissing her directly on the mouth. I tell her it's like the Notebook. She disagrees. In the third photo she pushes me away and then I start tickling her. Such hijinks!

All in all, I think photo booths might be one of our new Christmas traditions. Which makes me a little curious, what are yours?

What tradition are you guys celebrating this Christmas?

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My Christmas tree video.

Recently, I went in search of the perfect Christmas tree for our office. I took a 6 foot 5 elf, my coworker Rachel Cruze and a video camera. Here is what happened.

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Feeling Bad About Leaving Your Bible At Home When You Go On Vacation.

(John Crist is a stand up comedian. He's a professional funny person. He just opened up for Louie Anderson out in Vegas. And today he's sharing what I think is an awesome, very hilarious guest post. Enjoy)

I just booked my flight home for Christmas. Things are already starting to get awkward between me and my Bible.

You see, my Bible and I have the relationship of a typical church couple. In public, we get along like feltboard Joseph and Mary. But when it's just us, we feud like Christians and anyone who opposes Glen Beck.

Every time I go out of town the same mental exchange happens. He wants to go with me, I don't have room in my bag.

I typically goes something like this…

"You might need me," my Bible says. "What if the person sitting next to you on the plane asks about the Roman Road?"

"Yeah," I argue sarcastically. "And when we're all watching the game at the bar and the John 3:16 sign pops up behind the goal post some drunk guy is gonna yell out, 'HEY! Pause this game! What does John 3:16 actually say? Does anyone have a Bible?'"

"Stop mocking me. You're gonna leave me here ALL weekend," he responds, "with Mere Christianity and Every Man's Battle?"

"Its only three days," I say. "Plus, everyone know that Christians don't do devotions on Sundays…so technically, its only two days."

"Wait," he asks surprised. "Christians don't do devotions on Sundays?!

"No, its kind of an unspoken free pass. We figure going to church counts as our devotions." I say, then pausing awkwardly. "I mean, I'll write a guest post for Stuff Christians Like and ask all the other Christians what they do…but I'm pretty sure that's pretty standard."

I keep packing, refusing to make eye contact.

"Here's the deal," I say honestly, "I usually bring you along for the same reasons I keep the Christian stations preset in my car radio. I never listen to them but I feel like my car will spontaneously explode Mission Impossible style if I substitute "Safe for the Whole family" for "Denver's #1 Party station."

"No one will even notice me," he pleads. "I've done everything I can in the last couple years to disguise myself so no one else knows I'm actually a Bible."

I confess. "Its not just about this trip. I've been avoiding you like a church acquaintance who's just joined a pyramid scheme."

"We've been together for 17 years, I should be at toothbrush status by now!" he says, "Never spend the night somewhere without it."

"Yeah," I sigh, "but you're more like towel status. I assume the place I'm going will have one."

"Oh, I see where your heart is," he says, like he knows something I don't.

"OH! Now you gonna go all "rich young ruler" on me?!"

"I'm just sayin," he responds calmly.

"We don't even hang out anymore anyway!!"

"I wish we spent more time together."

"I would, but all my Christian friends are skeptical of our relationship now anyway because when we DO hang out its always at night, they say you're a morning person?"

"Don't listen to them. I'm here for you whenever you need me."

"The only time you ever want to hang out is when I'm really tired or right after I've done something really bad!"

"Fine."

"FINE!"

I slam the door and walk out.

"Actually, one more thing," I walk back in and grab my Bible. "I'm nervous that my roommates will see you on my nightstand and judge me because I didn't bring you along…sooooo, I'm gonna have to put you in the sock drawer. Sorry!!!"

(For more great stuff from John, check out his Youtube page.)

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Why you don't bring a camel to your church for Christmas.

I feel like I say this every year, but you can't go casually into camel choreography. This church learned the hard way as seen in this video. (Thanks for the video Finleys! And fear not, no one was hurt and the camel was fine)

How would you caption this video?

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Facebook Feeding Frenzies.

Recently, a guy named Bart in the band MercyMe said something on Facebook that earned him a jackpot of Jesus Jukes.

What did he say?

"Also for you Greenville, Tx folk. We are not doing our Xmas show this year. Taking a break."

Guess which part of that status update people lit up? It's not the lowercase x in "Tx," although I personally never mess with Texas. It was the "Xmas." Here are a few of the comments people posted:

"don't take Christ out of Christmas. i know it is easier to write but please dont X HIM out"

"Dudes, how can a Christian band remove the Reason from Christmas?"

"Xmas, really? I would think you would want to keep Christ in Christmas! Im disappointed!"

"i do not care if it is a tweet or not, it should not be done…shorten your tweet elsewhere"

"CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.. Shame on you Bart.."

"Bart you may want to get your twitter publicist to apologize to your fans that they messed up.Abbreviations help at times but not when it comes to Christ…"

Merry Christmas Bart! Oh man, there were some crazy comments left, as well as some that were very supportive pointing out what the X means in Greek. But ultimately, I don't even think those were that bad. Lately, I've started to see a lot more of what I call "Facebook Feeding Frenzies," or 3F. (It's like the less fun version of 3D.)

In a Facebook Feeding Frenzy, someone posts a status update and then Christians materialize out of the mist like death eaters in the Harry Potter books to attack it. We post comments that build on each other, constantly amping up the cynicism and hate until we reach a fevered pitch. But there are a few things we need to remember about the 3F:

1. There is no context.

Sometimes I'll write something on Facebook or Twitter and someone will immediately say, "That was horrible, I need more context." How on earth am I possibly supposed to say something and explain context in an appropriate, clear, easy to understand way in 140 characters? I have less space than that last sentence, which was 141 characters. Facebook gives you more room, but even then, it's not easy to establish context in a status message. Let's show grace because sometimes we can't see the context in the mediums we're on.

2. It's difficult to critically analyze an idea someone typed in line at Taco Bell.

Don't read every status message or tweet as if the person was writing you from their home library, while sitting in a deep leather chair, smoking a pipe and producing the most well thought out, delicately crafted thought. Bart was probably grabbing lunch and punched something out on the fly, you don't need to break the sentence structure down like you're diagramming it in the third grade.

3. Seed the clouds, don't chum the waters.

As the writer of the status message or tweet, you do have a responsibility. This is not just about how people respond to your statuses, it's also about how you create them. I learned that by failing a post I wrote about Jessica Simpson. I have this theory that sometimes musicians start with a gospel album and if that goes well they eventually work their way up to pop music. If pop doesn't work out, they head to country and then might even come back to Christian music. I used Jessica Simpson as an example because her first album was gospel and wrote a satirical post that asked, "She's headed back to us, are we ready to take her back?" In the comments section, folks said some really hurtful things about her and her family. Midway through, someone commented, "I hope Jessica Simpson never sees this post." That was a punch in my face, which I deserved. I might not have written those hurtful things, but I created an environment where other people could. When you tweet or update your status, try to start conversations that seed the clouds for ideas, like a meteorologist seeds the clouds for rain, instead of chumming the waters for sharks. You can steer conversations certain ways with the kindness of your words and ideas. (I don't think MercyMe failed at this one by the way, but I have. Often.)

4. Don't complain, unfollow.

Recently, someone on Twitter threatened, in a polite way, to unfollow me because I tweet too much. I emailed them and politely encouraged them to unfollow me because once you have 10 followers, it is impossible to tweet in a way that satisfies everyone's personal acceptable daily quota of tweets. You also have the power to put an end to tweets you don't like or facebook status messages you don't care for. Telling someone they tweet too much is like saying they use too many words in a cell call YOU made. Just unfollow. It's an easy solution.

5. Be a Christian online.

Sometimes we act like the Bible says, "Love your neighbor, except online. That doesn't count." It doesn't say that. It actually says, "If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?" I want to be different. I want us to be different. Mean is normal online. Cruel is common. Let's live uncommon virtual lives. The Bible also says, "Pray for those who persecute you!" Let's be honest, how many of us have ever prayed before responding to a Facebook status or a blog? I can probably count my own times on one hand. Let's not be like that. Let's not be jerks. I know that is deep wisdom and probably belongs on a mug or at the bare minimum a painting of a lighthouse, but there it is. Let's not be Christian jerks online.

I like MercyMe. I think they're great and listen to a lot of their music. I even like their facebook/twitter publicist, who I believe is named Barry and has a mustache. Hopefully Barry did not get fired for saying "Xmas." But if he did, I hope he still manages to have a happy holiday!

Have you ever bumped into a facebook feeding frenzy or other occurrence of Christian virtual attitude?

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Vegetable Amnesty

We give our kids "vegetable amnesty."

Our 7-year-old L.E. and our 5-year-old McRae, or Crae or the Crae Bear or CraeBerry or the "HurriCraene," are both allowed to pick one vegetable they don't have to eat.

They get to pick one vegetable out of all the vegetables on the planet that they can abstain from. L.E. has selected mushrooms. Crae has not settled on a choice yet. That means if we have a meal and there are mushrooms in it, L.E. can take them out. I am OK with that. But if she tries to turn her nose up at beets, she knows what is going to happen.

I am going to put the jar of mushrooms out on the table and offer her a choice. If she wants to change her vegetable amnesty, she can. But, in order to do so, she has to eat 10 mushrooms on the spot and then eat them from that day on. It's like being in a gang and needing to get "jumped out," if you want to quit.

That's part of the reason I am happy about hooking up with the sponsors at E-Mealz. Getting kids to eat is a tricky thing sometimes. We've had them eat sushi and fish and crazy vegetables but sometimes it's a challenge. I don't want to send them out into the word with a broken palette though. I have friends who "can't" eat certain foods. Cause they're allergic? Nope. Cause they feel brussel sprouts are harvested in a cruel way? Nope. Because their parents never stretched their food choices.

I am more than willing to give L.E. a "get out of mushrooms free" card. I am cool with that, but my hope is that by planning meals with E-Mealz, we'll have an easy way to raise a good eater and she'll be more invested in the meal because we're all cooking it together.

Are the Acuffs the only ones with something weird like "vegetable amnesty?" Or do you have tricks to get your kids to eat too?

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