Jon Acuff's Blog, page 159

My 40 before 40 list.

Tomorrow, I will turn 35. That's not a bad number. It's divisible by both 7 and 5. It was Phil Niekro's number and "the Nigerian Nightmare," NFL running back Christian Okoye's number. All in all, a pretty respectable number.

But it also means I have only 5 years until I am 40. With that in mind, I came up with a "40 before 40" list of all the things I want to do before I hit that age. Here is what I came up with, in no particular order of importance:

My 40 before 40

1. Run a marathon

2. Raise a total of $500,000 for charity.

3. Have a song I've written recorded

4. Write and publish 5 books.

5. Help L.E. Acuff complete her 10 before 10 list (Which she already wrote on her own and includes jump roping 100 times in a row.)

6. Help McRae Acuff complete her 10 before 10 list.

7. Help Jenny Acuff complete her 40 before 40 list.

8. Take dance lessons with my wife. Preferably tango.

9. Sell 500,000 copies of books I have written.

10. Consistently weigh my ideal weight.

11. Visit the kindergartens Stuff Christians Like readers built in Vietnam.

12. Run a half marathon in less than 2 hours.

13. Speak on an international tour.

14. Go to that tomato-throwing event in Spain.

15. Co-write a book with my daughters.

16. Hike part of the Appalachian Trail.

17. Learn how to make sushi.

18. Raise pre-teen girls who are so full of their parent's love that they don't feel compelled to fill their heart with things that will hurt them.

19. Get a book I wrote on the New York Times Bestseller's List.

20. Teach my kids to play Disc Golf.

21. Spend fall weekends in Blowing Rock, North Carolina.

22. Take my family to Cinque Terra in Italy.

23. Go to a recording of Saturday Night Live.

24. Visit my uncle's orphanage in Kenya.

25. Spend two solid weeks at the beach with my family.

26. Take my kids on a zipline.

27. Own a dog.

28. Go to a World Cup game.

29. Spend New Year's Eve in New York.

30. Have a library in our house. (Possibly with a ladder upon which I sing by the time I'm 50.)

31. See U2 in concert again.

32. Do something savvy enough to be mentioned in Fast Company

33. Help 100 people build 100 amazing blogs.

34. Build another kindergarten, hospital or school in another country.

35. Spend an increasing amount of time with God and a decreasing amount of time with distractions.

36. Listen to more classical music.

37. Have a group of guys who love me enough to tell me when I'm being an idiot.

38. Take our kids on a cross-country road trip.

39. Go surfing.

40. Take my kids to the American Girl mother ship in Chicago.

It's not a perfect list and I'm sure some will change in the years to come.

But what is something on your list? If you had a 20 before 20 or a 25 before 25 or a 50 before 50, what would you put on it?

What's something you want to do?

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Winners of the 12 Days of Fantasticalness!

Two weeks ago we held a bunch of awesome giveaways as part of the launch of my new book, "Gazelles, Baby Steps and 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me About Debt." (Which still makes a great gift at only $10 and should be purchased in triplicate if not just by the case.)

Today, I'm happy to announce the winners of all the prizes. (Everyone who bought the book during the "I'll review your blog" promotion will be getting a review after Christmas. It's hard to connect with everyone during the holidays.) Click continue to get the full list.

Winners:

iPod Nano = Bryan Simpson

The Stuff Christians Like Awesome Pack = Lisa Brubaker

Black Wii = Karen Mitchell

An original SCL guest post on your blog = Kathy Martin, Keith Cotton, Walter Bartlow

$200 of Dave Ramsey store goods = Lydia Wroth

16G WiFi iPad = Kara Proctor

Congrats to the winners! We have your addresses and will send you the prizes. Thank you all so much for supporting the book. I'm still working on something to support international readers and will announce when the new book is on Amazon.

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Christmas Program Scorecard

(Next week we'll be going to the Christmas Eve Eve service at Cross Point. Yes, I meant Eve Eve, as we'll be going on the 23rd, which is kind of like the "pre-party" of Christmas. I was going to say, "pre-game," but that felt a little too Four Loko. The Christmas Eve service is very different from a "Christmas Program," which "Some Guy" is about to prove in a great guest post. Enjoy!)

It's getting to be that time of year when churches across the country, across the world even, think about how to best impress everyone.

That's right, I'm talking about the annual Christmas program competition. Not the Christmas service that your church does only on Sunday morning, but the programs that are meant to rival Broadway productions.

Okay, okay… it might not be an official competition. But there are only so many families out there, and they're going to go to only one Christmas program each. So churches have to step it up for the big show. In preparation for all this, I present to you this scorecard. This will help to rate whichever Christmas show you do end up watching. Or, if you're putting together a show, this may help you make it even better.

The Christmas Program Scorecard:

1. It requires tickets: +3 points

2. The tickets cost money: -1 point for every $10 of face value

3. They remember that you got tickets last year and they send you a flyer with information about this year's show: +3

4. …and they email you too: +1

5. …and they call you: -5

6. …and someone in a sweater that has real bells attached to goes door to door to sell those tickets: -10

7. They have extra signs in the parking lot to direct traffic: +2

8. They have people throughout the parking lot directing traffic: +1 for each person along your route

9. They have people wearing festive Christmas elf hats: +1

10. They have people wearing God-focused wise men outfits directing traffic: +10

11. They have people throughout the parking lot collecting the parking fee: -1 for each dollar

12. The coat rack is right next to the front door, creating a logjam of people: -2

13. The one person helping expedite the coat rack is "Chatty McChatterson," completely slowing down your egress: -5

14. There is a program/bulletin with the list of scenes: +2

15. …and it lists an intermission: +3

16. One of the songs is "Happy Birthday Jesus": +1

17. …and it is a solo by a little girl: +1

18. …and she hits all the notes: +3

19. The manger scene has real animals: +5

20. …and they enter from the back, walking down the aisles to get to the stage: +1 for each animal

21. …and one or more of them get out of hand and cause a scene: -1 for each audience member hurt

22. …but someone films it and it blows up on youtube and makes your church, "Internet famous" for four days: +10

21. The manger scene has the three wise men: -3 (because they arrived years later, that's why)

22. …who are carrying real gold: +1

23. …and frankincense: +2

24. …and myrrh: +3

25. You even know how to tell real myrrh from fake myrrh: +5 points for yourself

26. The angel who delivers messages to Mary/Joseph/shepherds descends from above the stage on some sort of precariously rigged harness system: +3

27. The whole angel choir descends from above: +1 point for each angel

28. The pastor goes on stage just before the final song/scene and thanks everyone for being there: +1

29. …and tells them how to learn more about the church: 0 points (required element)

30. …and launches into a 45 minute sermon: -1

Scoring:

0-10 points: Tryouts

Maybe they just started having a Christmas program, bless their hearts. It might have been a decent show, but keep scouting because there are better shows out there.

11-24 points: Minor League

The church is working hard and trying to make it. It might be a fun evening for the family, but it won't get a contract unless it improves.

25+ points: Big League

Now this church knows how to put on a show! You had better hope that the success doesn't go to its head and it starts demanding to be traded to Miami.

Did I miss any required elements? What do you wish churches did more of (or less of) in their Christmas programs?

(For more great stuff from Some Guy, check out his blog.)

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Grace online. (Or 4 People I have a hard time loving online.)

The other day, someone tweeted to me and said,

"And that makes about 18 tweets in one day. Sorry guy, but officially unfollowing."

First of all, that person is indeed correct. I tweet way too much. Not only that, but I am the worst kind of Twitter person. Because I will lull you into thinking I'm not going to tweet much that day. A few hours before I was issued that public unfollow, which is the middle finger of Twitter, someone else asked if "@jonacuff was OK?" because I had not tweeted in four hours. See how I do it? I trick you into thinking there aren't any tweets coming and then I unleash a tweet tsunami all at once that probably includes at least three jokes about the show "Swamp People."

I completely understand if you unfollow me though, I do tweet a ton and that can be annoying. That seems pretty open and shut as far as web dilemmas go, but there are a few other online situations where it's hard to decipher what the best Christian response is. We've already talked about the Christians who apparently hate to use Snopes.com, but here are 4 other people I struggle with:

1. The friend who asks you to be Google.

Have you ever had a friend that wants you to be his personal Google? He calls you at work and will say, "Hey, when is the Ticketmaster pre-sale for that U2 concert in Nashville?" You don't work for Tickermaster. You are not in U2. So you do exactly what he could do from the cubicle he is sitting in. You Google it. What's Christian protocol in this situation? Can we all just agree that when someone does this, we can reply with a curt, but polite, "Google it?" Unless they're not at a computer or are in their 90s, they should probably be able to do that pretty easily.

2. The friend who changes their email every week.

I have a friend who is on his third email address in three weeks. He didn't get fired, he just wants to find the perfect email provider. So, over the last few days I've received the "Would you please update your address book with my new email address?" I want to be honest, at this point, I just don't believe him. I want to, I do, but as Oprah says, "Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior." He's not going to stay with Gmail. Eventually it will let him down, they'll have an argument, he'll storm out and run to the tender digital arms of Yahoo Mail. I can't keep going through that emotional rollercoaster. What's our move in this situation?

3. The friend who starts a fake Facebook account for their baby.

I didn't know this existed because none of my guy friends do this. If my friend Bill called me and said, "Hey, our baby is going on a crazy rant about diapers on Facebook, you've got to check it out," I would hold a social media intervention for him. But it turns out some folks are doing this. They'll start a Facebook page for the baby and then post status updates like, "I'm cranky today. My mommy didn't give me a long enough nap so now I'm fussy!" Then the baby's mom will respond to the status update she herself just wrote and say, "We had errands to run. I'm sorry you didn't get a long nap, but mommy needs you to go to bed on time tonight!" I don't really even know where to start with this. I can kind of understand folks who do it with their pets. There's a cat that has over a million Twitter followers. Maybe you're doing it as a social media experiment. Regardless, I still don't endorse your dog, inevitably named "Rusty," tweeting, "When my owners are at work, I look for bacon and things to chew on. Like shoes!" How do we handle this one?

4. The friend who writes the entire email in the subject line.

I can't believe I almost missed one, but fortunately a guy named Josh reminded me of this practice. Sometimes people will write their entire email in the subject line. I understand if it's just a one word response like "yes," or "no." But I'll get emails with subjects that say, "Give me a call, I need to find out how we're going to meet up for dinner tonight at that sushi place downtown. Parking might be an issue." That is asking an awful lot of a subject line. It's designed to contain a highlight of what's inside the email, not the entire email. It's a "subject line" not a "story line." What's our plan to "love on" the friend who does this?

There, I feel better already, although I do fear that your baby might put me on notice on his Facebook page. Maybe he'll say something like, "Jon Acuff makes me mad like pureed peas!" Fair enough, fair enough. But I should warn you, there's an above average sized pigeon I see in the parking lot at work sometimes and I'm starting a Facebook account for him. And you might assume blue jays have the most profane arsenal of verbal insults in the bird kingdom, but you'd be mistaken. It's above average sized pigeons.

How do we be kind online?

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Guest post from Tim Elmore

(The other night, my kids argued about who was better at brushing their teeth. That one was challenging. On the one hand, I don't mind that they are being competitive about not getting cavities. I had an emergency root canal on Monday. I want our kids to avoid that kind of thing. On the other hand, they were yelling at each other. These kind of situations happen a lot at our house, which was why when author Tim Elmore said he'd write a guest post for me for free about peacefulness in kids at Christmas, I said yes. Click continue to check out Tim's advice.)

Growing Peacefulness in Your Kids at Christmas

I just saw something amusing. I was recently in Michigan, driving through a shopping mall parking lot to pick up some cold medicine. As I drove by, I noticed a handful of men dressed up like Santa's elves. They were large men holding up signs of Christmas cheer — words like "Ho, Ho, Ho" and "Joy to the World." One of the elves caught my eye. He was angry. He was yelling at a driver in the parking lot. I mean — he was doing everything opposite what I imagine Santa's elf would do: Ranting and raving about something this driver had done — perhaps missing a stop sign or driving a bit too fast. Whatever it was, everyone within forty yards heard the big elf. I thought a fight might break out. But, alas, something better happened. The elf stopped screaming and walked back to his position on the sidewalk… carrying his sign that read: "Peace on Earth." (Imagine if he had broken that sign over somebody's back? And the guy who gets beat up by an elf, how do you live that down? You can't tell that story at a party.)

It's ironic isn't it? Christmas — the celebration of "peace on earth, good will to men" and the entrance of the "Prince of Peace" — is often the most hectic, chaotic time of year. Most of the time, we fail to experience peace because we have cluttered our calendars. We're running at such a fast pace, we're unable to enjoy peace, inside or outside. So how do we cultivate peace in our homes at Christmas?

Try this.

Sit down at the kitchen table and talk about the value of "peace" in our lives. Then, contrast it with your schedules throughout the fall. Perhaps, especially during the holiday time. Together answer these questions: Why do we let ourselves get so busy? How does it negatively affect us?

Then, look at your daily schedules. Mutually decide what "clutter" could be cleared off the calendar to make room for a little peace. Don't force anything — let your kids help decide what can be removed and what should stay. But once you cut some activities, choose together what you'll do with that open space in your calendar. (Hint: Don't add more noise and activity.) What about reading the Christmas story again and talking about the peaceful first Christmas. Sit back and relax a bit and soak in the peace before the hectic holiday.

"And He shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace…" (Isaiah 9:6)

(Tim will be posting on Tommy Newberry's blog tomorrow. You can find more from Tim at his blog and his twitter account.)

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The "R" word.

The easiest way for a store to make my wife mad is to have a complicated return policy. She refuses to shop at Forever 21 for this very reason. Their return policy is so complicated that the cashiers will often read it to you when you're making a purchase, kind of like a cop reading you Miranda Rights. "By purchasing this melon colored scarf you realize that should you ever take it out of the bag and merely make eye contact with it, that will forever be held against you in the court of no returns."

This type of frustration often manifests itself at Target. There have been a number of times when they've refused to make some return easy over an amount in question as small as a few dollars. The great irony is that Target will spend tens of millions of dollars trying to get people into their stores via advertising and then argue over $1.50 once they're at the returns counter. If they paused for a second, they would jump at the chance to pay a $1.50 to get a customer who over the course of her life will spend thousands of dollars in their store.

That's why I love places like LL Bean. You can bring a canoe on fire into their store and they'll take it back. Same with Wal-mart, a store we spend a considerable amount of time in. Although the Wal-mart in Franklin is situated in kind of a pit of despair parking lot, we still go pretty regularly. A few years ago, during one of our trips there, I saw something interesting that I've written about before. It was a powerful action that in a strange way reminded me of Christmas this year.

One afternoon, in the middle of an ordinary Saturday, the loudspeaker buzzed to life and a less than calm voice said, "All employees, we've got a Code Adam."

In seconds, every employee sprinted to the front doors. A few went outside to scan the parking lot, the others formed a wall blocking the exits. It was like an anthill had been kicked over.

Why?

Because a Code Adam means that a child is missing.

I imagine that most times, the child is found quickly and all is returned to right. That's what happened when I saw my first Code Adam. But for a few minutes, nothing in the store mattered as much as finding that missing kid. The world of commerce and price tags and sales figures stopped dead as they tried to locate a lost child.

And I think that's how God is too.

When I am lost. When like the prodigal son, I stumble from the father's grasp and gaze, I don't think He cries out "look at Jon sinning again! Look at him failing me again!" I think God cries, "Code Jon! Code Jon!"

And then He rushes outside, hoping to intercept me before I get in the wrong car, desperate to keep me from making the type of decision that is going to hurt me. Because He loves me. I am His delight. He longs, not likes, but longs to show us compassion.

And we are the reason for the greatest Code Adam moment in the history of all mankind, Christmas.

In the tinsel and the lights and the balsam flavored candles we forget that sometimes. It is a beautiful season. It is full of merriment and cheer, but at its heart, Christmas is a rescue.

From the safety and security of heaven, stormed Jesus. From the contentment and perfection of God rushed the Lord. Why? Because God had declared a Code Adam. A Code Jon. A Code Christy. A Code Stacy. A Code Chad. A Code Chris. A Code You.

When we were lost, He did more than just lock a store down. When we were beyond all hope he did more than sprint to the parking lot. He sent his son to the cross for us, to rescue us. And, he speaks this message in a thousand ways every day. He would move the mountains and the cosmos if it meant we came home safe. If it meant we returned to the father and he could stop saying, "Code Adam, Code Adam."

That's what I hope we all remember this Christmas.

The reason for the season is a rescue.

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Let's read a book together.

Last year, a bunch of us read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan together online.

I thought it was fun and I'd like to try something like that again. Only this time, it's not just me doing it in the morning before work or on the weekends. This time, building community on Stuff Christians Like is part of my job.

So what if we all read a book together, have me write some study questions and then find an interesting way to discuss it? Maybe skype or even a conference call or just online?

And, because Stuff Christians Like is read by more than 150,000 folks per month, we might even be able to talk a publisher into letting us all do a video chat with the author of whatever book we do.

You in?

If you are, please just respond with a "yes" in the comments section. The more yes comments we get, the easier it will be to tell the people I work for that this is something we should definitely do in 2011.

I'm certainly not asking for any kind of commitment right now, but if that sounds like it might be cool to you, please comment with a "yes."

Thanks!

Jon

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Zack Morris Prayers.

The other day, a phrase pastors have taught me can mean last week or last year, a friend of mine prayed a "Zack Morris Prayer." What's that? Allow me to explain.

My friend stood up in front of a few hundred people to close out a time of morning worship. This is what he said,

"Lord, thank you for blessing us. Thank you for your love. I want to praise you for what a great year you've had."

At this point, people in the crowd started to laugh. The idea of God having a "great year," is a little comical. Regardless of the recession, God is not going to have a down year. He won't sit up in heaven with Moses and Enoch saying, "Yeah, I was going to build an angel racquetball court, but with the down economy and what not I just don't think it would be prudent. When things turn around, maybe, but for now, Cherubim Courts is being put on pause."

That's silly, so people laughed and that's when my friend busted out the Zack Morris Prayer. In the middle of the prayer, he stopped what he was saying and directly addressed the crowd, "What? Seriously, he has had a good year." I call this a Zack Morris Prayer because Zack, the star of the show "Saved by the Bell," used to break the fourth wall often. That's when a television character speaks to the camera and the viewer at home.

Shows like the Office and Modern Family have made that practice commonplace, but in the 80s and 90s, that was pretty special. Growing up, the A-Team didn't break the fourth wall, Airwolf didn't break the fourth wall, Magnum P.I. had an inconceivably handsome mustache but even he didn't break the fourth wall. And then came Zack.

When not fronting his band, the Zack Attack, he would occasionally look at the camera and say, "Hey guys, isn't it weird that Tori rolls up the sleeves of her leather coat in some episodes? And where did this girl come from? Her magical arrival is more awkward than the time they completely switched out the mom on 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.' This is worse than when Jesse Spano got addicted to speed and sang, 'I'm so excited … I'm so scared.'"

I might have exaggerated a little there at the end, but that was the gist of what Zack Morris did. And it's similar to what we do, when in a steady flow conversation with God, we break out and address the crowd.

I'm fine with a Zack Morris Prayer, I have no problem with them on one condition. You can't call out someone in the crowd specifically. You should never stop in the middle of a prayer and say, "Janet, I hope you're listening. This next part is for you! Your ruffian ways about to be put on notice."

There is a chance though that I am weird, that I think about things others do not. For instance, can we agree the producers of AC Slater's new show "Saved by the Baby" spent approximately 2.2 seconds coming up with a name for that thing? You probably have not wasted time on that thought. But maybe you have noticed a Zack Morris Prayer. Maybe you've seen that.

In the middle of church or small group, has anyone you've been with ever addressed people in the room during the prayer as if they are having a fourth wall conversation?

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The crying room.

Last Saturday night, at the Dave Ramsey Christmas party, I saw my friend Daniel scoping out the room as he sat down. He saw that I was looking at him and said, "We're plotting our escape route if our baby gets crazy."

This is a classic parent move, you always have to understand exactly which path you'll take if your baby starts free style rhyming during an important event. In the old days at church, if your kid lost it, you had to pace the halls or sit out in your car. Now though, thanks to advanced "scream technology," life as a parent has dramatically improved with the invention of one thing – the crying room.

The crying room is like the Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon. It is a multi-sided room where the loudest, cryingest babies enter if they can't handle the service. (This is also where toddlers who are Calvinist go in when they ardently disagree with the free will message of the pastor.)

It's the perfect place for a screaming kid and parent, but there are five things you need to know about the screaming room:

1. You can't vote people into the room like Survivor.

Yeah, that kid might be going buck wild right now. He might be throwing the church/golf pencils like the "melon-pult" on Plants vs. Zombies. But you can't get your row together and take a vote like on Survivor to send that kid to the crying room. It just doesn't work that way.

2. You can't send your kid by himself.

There's really only seating for two in the crying room. You can't just lean over to your kid and say, "Hey, that's it. Three strikes, you're out of here. Go to the crying room. I'll see you after church is over." As a parent you have to always accompany your kids.

3. Your crying room radar is always seven minutes late.

By the time you realize you need to send your kid to the crying room the rest of the church has already known for seven minutes. As parents we have "oh that's adorable" goggles which make us see a lot of what our kids do as adorable. Other people don't have that. They can tell it's go time a lot faster than you can.

4. You will get a cold in there.

Unless you bust out a hazmat suit and coat yourself with a thick layer of Vick's VapoRub, you are leaving the crying room with a cold. This is happening. Kids are like little mucus machines. The other night my kids had a nose blowing contest in the bathtub. Let me correct that, a "tissue-less nose blowing contest." If your kid starts crying in church, you might not know what he's yelling, but let me translate, "Mom, we're going in the crying room. I hope you like colds!"

5. You can't complain in there.

Once you're in the crying room, all bets are off. You can't complain about anyone causing a fuss. A kid could pickpocket you in the crying room and you have no recourse. It's like the wild, wild west in there. Street justice is all that stands. Don't ever complain about a kid crying when you're in the crying room.

My last bit of advice is pretty simple, but critical nonetheless.

Guys, don't ever confuse the crying room with the "nursing room." Those two rooms are very, very different and mixing them up would be an epic fail.

Does your church have a crying room?

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Christmas Traditions.

Last night, my family and I went to a Christmas party. At this party, our friend brought one of his photo booths. Hilarity ensued as my family got in.

In the first photo, you see things go see my kids go from smiling laughter to all out craziness.

In the second photo, L.E. goes in solo and just gets silly from the get go.

In the third photo, Jenny and I start off good, but then I try to give her a mouth kiss. Sometimes in public settings, I like to embarrass her by kissing her directly on the mouth. I tell her it's like the Notebook. She disagrees. In the third photo she pushes me away and then I start tickling her. Such hijinks!

All in all, I think photo booths might be one of our new Christmas traditions. Which makes me a little curious, what are yours?

What tradition are you guys celebrating this Christmas?

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