Jon Acuff's Blog, page 160

My Christmas tree video.

Recently, I went in search of the perfect Christmas tree for our office. I took a 6 foot 5 elf, my coworker Rachel Cruze and a video camera. Here is what happened.

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Feeling Bad About Leaving Your Bible At Home When You Go On Vacation.

(John Crist is a stand up comedian. He's a professional funny person. He just opened up for Louie Anderson out in Vegas. And today he's sharing what I think is an awesome, very hilarious guest post. Enjoy)

I just booked my flight home for Christmas. Things are already starting to get awkward between me and my Bible.

You see, my Bible and I have the relationship of a typical church couple. In public, we get along like feltboard Joseph and Mary. But when it's just us, we feud like Christians and anyone who opposes Glen Beck.

Every time I go out of town the same mental exchange happens. He wants to go with me, I don't have room in my bag.

I typically goes something like this…

"You might need me," my Bible says. "What if the person sitting next to you on the plane asks about the Roman Road?"

"Yeah," I argue sarcastically. "And when we're all watching the game at the bar and the John 3:16 sign pops up behind the goal post some drunk guy is gonna yell out, 'HEY! Pause this game! What does John 3:16 actually say? Does anyone have a Bible?'"

"Stop mocking me. You're gonna leave me here ALL weekend," he responds, "with Mere Christianity and Every Man's Battle?"

"Its only three days," I say. "Plus, everyone know that Christians don't do devotions on Sundays…so technically, its only two days."

"Wait," he asks surprised. "Christians don't do devotions on Sundays?!

"No, its kind of an unspoken free pass. We figure going to church counts as our devotions." I say, then pausing awkwardly. "I mean, I'll write a guest post for Stuff Christians Like and ask all the other Christians what they do…but I'm pretty sure that's pretty standard."

I keep packing, refusing to make eye contact.

"Here's the deal," I say honestly, "I usually bring you along for the same reasons I keep the Christian stations preset in my car radio. I never listen to them but I feel like my car will spontaneously explode Mission Impossible style if I substitute "Safe for the Whole family" for "Denver's #1 Party station."

"No one will even notice me," he pleads. "I've done everything I can in the last couple years to disguise myself so no one else knows I'm actually a Bible."

I confess. "Its not just about this trip. I've been avoiding you like a church acquaintance who's just joined a pyramid scheme."

"We've been together for 17 years, I should be at toothbrush status by now!" he says, "Never spend the night somewhere without it."

"Yeah," I sigh, "but you're more like towel status. I assume the place I'm going will have one."

"Oh, I see where your heart is," he says, like he knows something I don't.

"OH! Now you gonna go all "rich young ruler" on me?!"

"I'm just sayin," he responds calmly.

"We don't even hang out anymore anyway!!"

"I wish we spent more time together."

"I would, but all my Christian friends are skeptical of our relationship now anyway because when we DO hang out its always at night, they say you're a morning person?"

"Don't listen to them. I'm here for you whenever you need me."

"The only time you ever want to hang out is when I'm really tired or right after I've done something really bad!"

"Fine."

"FINE!"

I slam the door and walk out.

"Actually, one more thing," I walk back in and grab my Bible. "I'm nervous that my roommates will see you on my nightstand and judge me because I didn't bring you along…sooooo, I'm gonna have to put you in the sock drawer. Sorry!!!"

(For more great stuff from John, check out his Youtube page.)

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Why you don't bring a camel to your church for Christmas.

I feel like I say this every year, but you can't go casually into camel choreography. This church learned the hard way as seen in this video. (Thanks for the video Finleys! And fear not, no one was hurt and the camel was fine)

How would you caption this video?

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Facebook Feeding Frenzies.

Recently, a guy named Bart in the band MercyMe said something on Facebook that earned him a jackpot of Jesus Jukes.

What did he say?

"Also for you Greenville, Tx folk. We are not doing our Xmas show this year. Taking a break."

Guess which part of that status update people lit up? It's not the lowercase x in "Tx," although I personally never mess with Texas. It was the "Xmas." Here are a few of the comments people posted:

"don't take Christ out of Christmas. i know it is easier to write but please dont X HIM out"

"Dudes, how can a Christian band remove the Reason from Christmas?"

"Xmas, really? I would think you would want to keep Christ in Christmas! Im disappointed!"

"i do not care if it is a tweet or not, it should not be done…shorten your tweet elsewhere"

"CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.. Shame on you Bart.."

"Bart you may want to get your twitter publicist to apologize to your fans that they messed up.Abbreviations help at times but not when it comes to Christ…"

Merry Christmas Bart! Oh man, there were some crazy comments left, as well as some that were very supportive pointing out what the X means in Greek. But ultimately, I don't even think those were that bad. Lately, I've started to see a lot more of what I call "Facebook Feeding Frenzies," or 3F. (It's like the less fun version of 3D.)

In a Facebook Feeding Frenzy, someone posts a status update and then Christians materialize out of the mist like death eaters in the Harry Potter books to attack it. We post comments that build on each other, constantly amping up the cynicism and hate until we reach a fevered pitch. But there are a few things we need to remember about the 3F:

1. There is no context.

Sometimes I'll write something on Facebook or Twitter and someone will immediately say, "That was horrible, I need more context." How on earth am I possibly supposed to say something and explain context in an appropriate, clear, easy to understand way in 140 characters? I have less space than that last sentence, which was 141 characters. Facebook gives you more room, but even then, it's not easy to establish context in a status message. Let's show grace because sometimes we can't see the context in the mediums we're on.

2. It's difficult to critically analyze an idea someone typed in line at Taco Bell.

Don't read every status message or tweet as if the person was writing you from their home library, while sitting in a deep leather chair, smoking a pipe and producing the most well thought out, delicately crafted thought. Bart was probably grabbing lunch and punched something out on the fly, you don't need to break the sentence structure down like you're diagramming it in the third grade.

3. Seed the clouds, don't chum the waters.

As the writer of the status message or tweet, you do have a responsibility. This is not just about how people respond to your statuses, it's also about how you create them. I learned that by failing a post I wrote about Jessica Simpson. I have this theory that sometimes musicians start with a gospel album and if that goes well they eventually work their way up to pop music. If pop doesn't work out, they head to country and then might even come back to Christian music. I used Jessica Simpson as an example because her first album was gospel and wrote a satirical post that asked, "She's headed back to us, are we ready to take her back?" In the comments section, folks said some really hurtful things about her and her family. Midway through, someone commented, "I hope Jessica Simpson never sees this post." That was a punch in my face, which I deserved. I might not have written those hurtful things, but I created an environment where other people could. When you tweet or update your status, try to start conversations that seed the clouds for ideas, like a meteorologist seeds the clouds for rain, instead of chumming the waters for sharks. You can steer conversations certain ways with the kindness of your words and ideas. (I don't think MercyMe failed at this one by the way, but I have. Often.)

4. Don't complain, unfollow.

Recently, someone on Twitter threatened, in a polite way, to unfollow me because I tweet too much. I emailed them and politely encouraged them to unfollow me because once you have 10 followers, it is impossible to tweet in a way that satisfies everyone's personal acceptable daily quota of tweets. You also have the power to put an end to tweets you don't like or facebook status messages you don't care for. Telling someone they tweet too much is like saying they use too many words in a cell call YOU made. Just unfollow. It's an easy solution.

5. Be a Christian online.

Sometimes we act like the Bible says, "Love your neighbor, except online. That doesn't count." It doesn't say that. It actually says, "If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?" I want to be different. I want us to be different. Mean is normal online. Cruel is common. Let's live uncommon virtual lives. The Bible also says, "Pray for those who persecute you!" Let's be honest, how many of us have ever prayed before responding to a Facebook status or a blog? I can probably count my own times on one hand. Let's not be like that. Let's not be jerks. I know that is deep wisdom and probably belongs on a mug or at the bare minimum a painting of a lighthouse, but there it is. Let's not be Christian jerks online.

I like MercyMe. I think they're great and listen to a lot of their music. I even like their facebook/twitter publicist, who I believe is named Barry and has a mustache. Hopefully Barry did not get fired for saying "Xmas." But if he did, I hope he still manages to have a happy holiday!

Have you ever bumped into a facebook feeding frenzy or other occurrence of Christian virtual attitude?

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Vegetable Amnesty

We give our kids "vegetable amnesty."

Our 7-year-old L.E. and our 5-year-old McRae, or Crae or the Crae Bear or CraeBerry or the "HurriCraene," are both allowed to pick one vegetable they don't have to eat.

They get to pick one vegetable out of all the vegetables on the planet that they can abstain from. L.E. has selected mushrooms. Crae has not settled on a choice yet. That means if we have a meal and there are mushrooms in it, L.E. can take them out. I am OK with that. But if she tries to turn her nose up at beets, she knows what is going to happen.

I am going to put the jar of mushrooms out on the table and offer her a choice. If she wants to change her vegetable amnesty, she can. But, in order to do so, she has to eat 10 mushrooms on the spot and then eat them from that day on. It's like being in a gang and needing to get "jumped out," if you want to quit.

That's part of the reason I am happy about hooking up with the sponsors at E-Mealz. Getting kids to eat is a tricky thing sometimes. We've had them eat sushi and fish and crazy vegetables but sometimes it's a challenge. I don't want to send them out into the word with a broken palette though. I have friends who "can't" eat certain foods. Cause they're allergic? Nope. Cause they feel brussel sprouts are harvested in a cruel way? Nope. Because their parents never stretched their food choices.

I am more than willing to give L.E. a "get out of mushrooms free" card. I am cool with that, but my hope is that by planning meals with E-Mealz, we'll have an easy way to raise a good eater and she'll be more invested in the meal because we're all cooking it together.

Are the Acuffs the only ones with something weird like "vegetable amnesty?" Or do you have tricks to get your kids to eat too?

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The repetition of redemption.

Sometimes, I treat God like a gun.

When I want to approach him, when I feel the need to be close to him, I imagine there is a waiting period, much like buying a handgun.

I can't go right in. I need to string together a good week first. I need a month of clean living. I need to not look at porn or lie or get angry or any other long list of sins for at least a few weeks before I go back to where he is.

In my head, I imagine that God wants me to return to him redeemed. The prodigal son did not just come home, he came home with a plan. And like a boss who wants me to provide solutions, not just problems, I must do the same.

This is how I think sometimes, when the world is quiet and I've already read all the shampoo bottles in the shower and there is nothing else to distract me. And I have thought this way for years. But, I think this might be wrong.

I'm starting to believe this because the Bible is such an overwhelmingly powerful redemption story. That is the drumbeat message that sounds out again and again and again.

One of my favorite examples is the story of Judah. He was one of the older brothers of Joseph. And his life, like many of the lives we see chronicled in the Bible, was a mess.

He sold his brother into slavery. This is a tremendous act of betrayal that sometimes gets lost in the general wildness of the Old Testament. But think about it this way, have you ever had a fight with a family member? You gossiped about them or missed their kid's recital or some other offense? It was tense and ugly and made Thanksgiving a little awkward. But you didn't sell them into slavery. You might have sworn in front of their kids too many times, but you didn't make some cash by selling their body to some slave traders in Ohio.

The second part of Judah's life is even less glamorous. He's the worst parent on the planet. I know your kids might lose the chapstick top in the car all the time and probably make a Mexican restaurant just look disgusting, like a grenade of rice and chips went off, or they refuse to put their shoes on at the most inopportune times, but they're better than Judah's kids. I promise.

Here's what we're told in Genesis 38, which is one chapter after Judah has sold his brother into slavery. (Is there a worse double header in the Bible for anybody?)

"But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death."

How bad do you have to be for God to just kill you? Just flat out kill you? If it happens once, Er was just a punk. Maybe it wasn't the parenting. Maybe Judah was not to blame for some of the problem. Oh, but then we come to Judah's second son. And, "What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death also."

I don't care if you think you're a horrible parent, you've never had God say, "Wow, I didn't even know that level of wickedness is possible. I need to take that one out. Yikes!"

So far, Judah is not that much of a hero and the third strike is possibly the worst.

In the same chapter the Lord has killed two of his kids, Judah goes to a prostitute. (We're not even told he mourned the loss of his kids.) He sleeps with her and gives her some items as a down payment. Only it's his daughter in law in disguise and she gets pregnant. When he hears she is pregnant, and does not realize he is the father, he proclaims, "Bring her out and have her burned to death!"

Is there anything more vocal and neon than the righteousness of folks leading secret lives? He wants to kill her. His daughter in law, who he failed by not finding her a husband. He wants to burn her.

This is Judah. A failure. A mess up. A train wreck of Biblical proportions. But he is not alone.

King David murdered a man after having an affair with his wife and ended up getting a village of priests killed because of his lies.

Gideon was hiding in a hole from his enemies when God approached him.

Paul held the coats of the people who stoned Stephen.

Peter denied Christ three times after promising undying love.

Moses was a murderer.

Adam and Eve broke the only law they had.

Samson took a blessing of strength and corrupted it.

The list of lives God redeems in the Bible is long and exhaustive. If the Bible was just a book, a publisher would read it and say, "It's a bit repetitive. Lot of people getting redeemed over and over again." If the Bible was a song on American Idol, Simon would say, "We get it. You like redemption. That performance felt a bit indulgent."

Over and over again we see it, and we see it clearly in the final chapters of Judah's life. When faced with the prospect of losing his younger brother Benjamin, Judah puts himself in harms way:

Then Judah said to Israel his father, "Send the boy along with me and we will go at once, so that we and you and our children may live and not die. I myself will guarantee his safety; you can hold me personally responsible for him. If I do not bring him back to you and set him here before you, I will bear the blame before you all my life."

Can that be? Is that really Judah? Where is that nobility coming from? How did he change And what does it mean for me?

I think it means we serve a God who loves redemption more than we can possibly imagine. We may feel disqualified for his mercy. We may feel too dirty for his grace. We may feel only a series of white knuckle works will open back up his gates.

But, that's not what his love letter says. We are not shown a steady parade of heroes who became even more heroic in the hands of God. We are shown a parade of failures who found forgiveness. Losers who found love. Hopeless who found hope.

Christmas is a loud season, but hopefully, you'll hear the real song.

It's one of redemption. My redemption. Your redemption. Our redemption.

The God who loved Judah and David and Paul, loves you. And that's a very redeeming thought.

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A creative Christmas.

What would it look like if an entire band used only iPhones and iPads to play a set of songs on stage at church? North Point Community Church comes up with a brilliant answer. I love this. Check out the video after the continue. The last song is my favorite.

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Singing "new" Christmas songs.

Last Sunday at church, I noticed that a guy in front of me was drinking a diet Rockstar energy drink. Never had that? Rockstar is like Red Bull's less responsible cousin who hangs out with street youths, is really into techno and might be dating Nicki Minaj. It was a bold move, but as someone pointed out on Twitter, at least he wasn't drinking a Four Loko. Fair enough my friend, fair enough.

But I love my church and one of my favorite thing about it is the music. The great thing about living in Nashville is that 87% of the general population is comprised of professional musicians. (The other 13% are photographers.) And our church is no exception. They're talented, honest and God driven musicians.

And occasionally, they try the musical equivalent of cracking open a diet Rockstar. What's that?

They introduced a new Christmas song.

We've talked about this before, about the difficulty of trying to talk an early morning crowd into singing something new. It's an unruly task and I do not envy worship leaders who tread on this new ground. But even more difficult than just a normal Sunday, is actually trying to introduce a new Christmas song in the month of December.

That is some black belt worship leading right there and if you've ever experienced it, you know there are a few rules to make this work:

1. The new song has to really be about Christmas.

I don't like when someone says, "Here's a new Christmas song," and the only thing Christmasy about it is that one of the verses mentions, "baby Jesus," once. Your new song better sound like Norman Rockwell, meets Oh Holy Night, sprinkled with a bit of nutmeg. It can't just be "kind of a Christmas song."

2. You have to give us a traditional song also.

God bless Crosspoint Church. In addition to the new Christmas song, they rolled out a more traditional one. That is the way to do it. We'll go with you on the new song. We will, but let's have a favorite one too. Think of it like this: If you went to a U2 concert and Bono started it by saying, "Tonight we're going to sing all new stuff you've never heard," that would be a horrible experience. You want "One" and "Where the Streets Have No Name." There's a great difference between a concert and a worship experience, but we still want to sing "Silent Night."

3. There shouldn't be complicated clapping.

I've been in church before were we'll have some complicated, salsa level, Phd kind of clapping. You want to clap along but it's hard. The clap ends up dying faster than the horrible, "Joey loves Rachel" Friends plot or a Kardashian relationship with a professional athlete. (Joey/Rachel reference plus a Kardashian shout out? I'm on fire. Bring us a figgy pudding! We won't leave until we get some!) The problem with a complicated clapping routine during a new Christmas song is that we're distracted. We're still trying to figure out the lyrics, we're too boggled to clap too. And name an awesome Christmas song that involves intense clapping. There aren't any.

4. A crazy techno remix of a Christmas song doesn't count.

If your song sounds like Moby is sitting in on the ones and twos, or that instead of lighting candles on Christmas eve we need glowsticks, I'm not sure that counts as a "Christmas song."

5. If you want to go new, make sure somewhere else you're going old school.

Again, Crosspoint is coming through by supplementing their Christmas music with a kid's choir. I love to see Christmas performances from kids. The only thing better is when you have a choir that sings in the formation of a Christmas tree. All irony aside, I love that.

I hope you try some new Christmas songs this year. I hope you get to learn some crazy new ones, but I hope we have some traditional songs in there too. Hip, relevant churches need to know we'll cut them slack in December if they want to get a little old school. We like the old songs, we miss the old songs, we want to sing the old songs.

Have you been singing traditional songs at church this Christmas?

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Winner of the Big Box of Awesome!

Wow, we got a lot of great entries into the Big Box of Awesome contest and people put some great shoeboxes together for the Samaritan's Purse Operation Christmas Child.

Below are photos of the winner and the first runner up.

The winner, Emily T. and her family, gets the contents of the amazing Big Box of Awesome, which is more than 50 fantastic items.

The runners up (both first and second) get signed copies of both my books.

Thanks for doing this! You helped a ton of kids experience a completely different Christmas. If you still want to help out, check out the Build a Box program from Samaritan's Purse. It's online and a simple way to instantly help someone this holiday season. Click here to learn more!

Winner

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First Runner Up

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Being the only man at a women's conference.

Last Saturday, I did something I've never done before. I attended a Christian women's conference. And I'm not talking about falling on the estrogen grenade and hanging out with my wife and 100 other women at a local church. I went to Deeper Still, the super bowl of women's conferences. Think 14,000 ladies. Think Kay Arthur and Beth Moore. Think Jon Acuff on the 15th row.

It was a wild experience and as a guy, a gentleman really, I brought back 9 observations about what goes on at Christian women's conferences:

1. There will be at least 1 "husbands don't help out around the house," joke.

This one made me sweat a little. At one point one of the speakers made a joke about how men don't do enough housework and I swear, I felt like every eye in that stadium was on me. I grabbed a broom from a janitor's closet right then in an attempt to appease the crowd.

2. Kay Arthur will talk about sex.

I was there for a panel discussion. Someone in the audience asked a question about sex. Kay Arthur, the esteemed 70ish Bible expert, dropped some bombs in response. My favorite? She said that men are having a hard time with the recession and feeling inadequate. One of the ways wives can make them feel better about the recession is with sex. I am not making this up. Me and the other 4 men in the building stood up and cheered this comment.

3. A pastor will have to make the world's most awkward transition.

David Platt, the author of the fantastic book "Radical," was asked to close with a prayer right after Kay Arthur talked about sex. That's a tough act to follow, but Platt crushed it. What did he say? He got up and said, "Kay Arthur, I've never been so happy for the recession. I hope it never ends." Hilarious.

4. Priscilla Shirer will bring it like Chuck D from Public Enemy

Good grief, that Priscilla Shirer was on fire. I only caught a couple minutes of her but she absolutely destroyed that stage. Wow. I thought at the end she'd just drop the mic like Eminem at the end of 8 mile and walk off. Great stuff.

5. Young ladies will be told not to dress like harlots and sexpots.

As a dad with two daughters sitting next to him, I wanted to say, "Amen!" to this point. I loved what I heard at the conference about women being proud and beautiful and not cheap. They cannot say this enough. I wanted to hug this conference at this moment.

6. Beth Moore will make you feel like family.

My wife got to hang out with Beth Moore after the event and she could not have been nicer. But I promise, there's not a lady in that crowd that didn't feel loved by Beth Moore. Want to make your wife happy this Christmas? Get her a Beth Moore book. LL Cool J's name stands for "Ladies Love Cool James. I am no longer calling Beth Moore, Beth Moore. From now on, I will be referring to her as "LL Cool B," because Ladies Love Beth.

7. Ladies will wave money.

At one point they about talked raising money for a girl in the crowd. In about 4.2 seconds, ladies had dollar bills whipped out and waving in the air. That is awesome and something you will never, ever see at a men's conference. No guy in a flannel shirt with a beard is getting out a dollar, waving it above his head and yelling, "We can do it!"

8. There were zero Braveheart references.

I didn't see any Gladiator clips either. Come to think of it, no one mentioned the Matrix.

9. Clothes will be mentioned.

One of the questions from the crowd was about a jacket that one of the speakers was wearing. As a boy, I've never thought, "What kind of pants is Andy Stanley wearing? I like the cut of his gib! And that mock turtleneck on Rick Warren, is that from the Maxx?"

I had an awesome time at the conference even though I was only there for about an hour. I was blown away at what Lifeway, the speakers and a stadium of ladies were up to. That point about the recession alone was worth it's weight in gold. I'll be back, I'll go again and I promise to take notes, because they were bringing it.

Have you ever been to a women's conference?

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