Jon Acuff's Blog, page 128

Happy Labor Day.

I hope you've got the day off and are on a pontoon boat right now. Unless you live in a state where those are illegal. Like shooting off homemade fireworks and owning jungle cats and other things you probably shouldn't do on Labor Day. Or any other day for that matter. Why are we always so surprised when a pet lion attacks somebody? That's what lions do. Eventually.

But let's not talk about lions, let's talk about Labor Day. And tomorrow, let's resume with talking about Stuff Christians Like.

What should we talk about this fall on SCL?

Back to school season is here! Listen to those Trapper Keepers, count those glue sticks, smell those cafeteria hot dogs.

So, what should we talk about this fall on SCL?

We used to ask that question before season changes. We'd talk about summer camp or what ideas needed to be discussed at Christmas. It was a chance to collectively throw together a whole lot of random ideas that deserved to be memorialized on the site.

For instance, one time someone commented, "You should write about how we like to dump our boyfriends or girlfriends after coming home from a church retreat in college." Brilliant idea, so I did.

Another person suggested, "You should write about the dude at camp that always has his acoustic guitar with him." Awesome idea, so I did.

What are some school memories you'd like to see on SCL?

Did you go to a Christian college? Are you going to one right now?

Maybe you're homeschooling for the first time or feeling like you're the only parent at your church who isn't.

Whether you're a student or a parent, the floor is yours.

What should we talk about this fall on SCL?

Top Posts for August 2011

Here are a few things you might have missed from Stuff Christians Like and JonAcuff.com in August.

Stuff Christians Like

Things I shouldn't know exist
Who is our Kanye & Jay-Z?
The man hat
Sitting at church near someone who can sing
Taking God seriously

JonAcuff.com

Stop saying polite lies
When should you let your kids use Facebook?
The secret about blog posts
1 easy way to get better at public speaking
1 sentence that proves you're a leader

What were some of your favorite posts from August?

The Inspirational Offering-taker Guy

(John Crist is a longtime guest contributor to SCL.  He is a brilliant writer and standup comedian from Denver, Colorado.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here's how.)

The Inspirational Offering-taker Guy by John Crist

Dear Church Staff,

Hi! Pastor Chuck here.

First, let's talk about how everyone calls me Pastor Chuck. In no other professional environment would this be acceptable to call someone by a prefix and then their first name. Makes no sense! From now on it's Pastor Bergland, Chuck, or the Great Bergambino (on the softball field only, please).

Second, I know its Friday and everyone is out of the office. Again, in no other professional environment would it be acceptable to show up to the office for two hours with your family on a Sunday morning and call it a days' work. Just me? Ok, moving on.

Third, the reason for my email. We all know there are only two stage-responsible people on staff here, the worship leader and me. Since we're already on stage too much, we need a qualified inspirational offering-taker guy. If you're qualified, please respond in the comments section below.

Available Position: Inspirational Offering-taker Guy

Job Description:

Receive the head nod from the worship leader then walk up onto the stage (make sure the microphone is turned on!) and say some inspirational stuff about how everyone should give us money. Then introduce the special song and exit the stage.

QUALIFICATIONS:

Must include a joke every week:

Once I told the congregation to "make it rain" in the offering bucket…they were confused. But last week I said, "Just so you know, millions is spelled M-I-L-L-I-O-N-S"…it killed!

Must reference current events:

This is hard when nothing is happening. Say something about a natural disaster; I'm sure that happened somewhere. If all else fails just say something like, "I'm sure you've all heard the news about the economy." …That always works.

Must reference the fact that you're better than everyone in the congregation:

Say something like, "I was jogging at 4am this morning and God spoke to me…" or "I received a word from the Lord yesterday while I was rescuing stray puppies…" Or, if you cant come up with anything, just hold a really worn out Bible with duct tape on it. That should do the trick.

Must include a scripture reference the congregation has never heard of:

Or better yet, a book of the Bible they didn't even know existed. Nahum or Titus usually work well for me.

Must get everyone to cheer/clap for something:

"Give God a shout of praise!" "Let's thank the greet team for their hard work." "Let's give it up to The NFL for solving labor negotiations. Go Broncos!" It's really up to you…

CANDIDATES:

A young pastor needing extra stage time:

Trust me, all young pastors need stage time. Leading a Bible study is not gonna cut it if you want to be a senior pastor some day.

A church employee:

Because who better to convince people to give money to the church than someone who gets paid by the church? Right? Right?

A representative from one of the struggling ministries at the church:

Don't we have like a military support ministry or a single moms ministry or something? What about someone from the men's ministry? Representatives from the biker ministry need not apply, that could be a liability.

COMPENSATION:

I'm thinking about hiring a full-time inspirational offering-taker guy and paying him 100% commission. He'll receive 10% based on how much he inspires giving over the annual budget. Still praying about this…

Question: Is the Inspirational Offering-taker Guy at your church doing a good job? If not, are you qualified?

Also, can we figure out this guy's title please? Inspirational Offering-taker Guy? The Feature Act? The Guy Who Talks While I'm Checking my Cell Phone?

(John Crist is a standup comedian from Colorado and not the offering guy at his church. Last time he was asked to do it, he said, "You know, this week I was reading in, um…John 3:16 and…um…" He was never asked back. Visit his YouTube Page.)

SCLQ – Third World Symphony

Did Hillsong United acquire the David Crowder Band in some sort of merger like situation? That's just one of the many topics I talked about with Shaun Groves in a video interview. Who's Shaun?

Well, Shaun Groves is a musician/humanitarian/Compassion International Guru/good friend. He just released a new album called "Third World Symphony." He's doing a blog tour and recently talked to the brilliant Ann Voskamp. Today, he's talking to us. For some reason, when I talk on this video, the audio cuts out a little. In the first few minutes I kind of sound like Lil' Wayne on the Video Music Awards where every other word was bleeped for profanity. Just imagine that I'm swearing. A lot. But of the two of us, I'm glad Shawn's audio is perfect because he's got a great new album and a great message to share. Check out his album and watch the video after the jump:

Jon Acuff & Shaun Groves Interview (edit) from Shaun Groves on Vimeo.

SCLQ – Dinner

What an ineffective communicator Jesus was by our modern standards of platform building.

He could have spoken to hilltops of thousands of people each night, but instead he wasted time at dinner with a handful of tax collectors and strangers.

Want to change the world? It's easy.

Have a long, time-wasting, friendship-generating dinner with someone.

Please review Quitter on Amazon today.

If you've read my new book Quitter, would you please take 60 seconds and write a review on Amazon? It can be long or short, serious or funny, reference otters or not reference otters as long as it's honest. That would really mean a lot to me and would be awesome.

Click here to write a review.

If you were waiting until late August to buy the book, possibly in triplicate because you know some folks who are unemployed or at jobs they don't love and you're generous like that, well today is your lucky day. It's August 31.

You can buy Quitter in Hardcover or in Kindle.

Thanks!

Jon

When things add up in unexpected ways.

(Every Friday is Guest Post Friday on Stuff Christians Like. But today, for the first time ever, I'm posting a guest post on Serious Wednesday. Why? Because Scott Jamison blew my mind with this idea, and I thought you might dig it too. For more great content from Scott, check out his blog.)

Every Wednesday, Jon Acuff puts out a serious post (he still manages to stick in quite a bit of humor in these, too) and some time ago I started to compile the last sentence or phrase from each of them. Here they are:

 

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Stuff Christians Like Serious Wednesdays' Last Lines

You are found.

God loves you.

Are you packing?

I can't handle near.

God cares for the lonely

He knows the way we take.

I don't want "at least" faith.

Yeah, but God is on our side.

God's love is ridiculous to me.

"I cannot do it, but God will …"

Let's retire the idea of failure.

Death to better, long live new.

We all get the comma of grace.

Look for a savior, not a solution.

Today, quit being lazy for the Lord.

Let's stop giving God our last fruits.

The reason for the season is a rescue.

Today, God says, "I know, my son, I know."

God doesn't want your solution. He just wants you.

Give up the horses. The King is near. Love has arrived.

In God's economy, the impossible is a gift, not a curse.

Let's put the apples down. We've already got the orchard.

Because he loves us. In his arms. In the pigpen. He loves us.

I've got God, right now. I don't need the idol of what's next.

Jesus always plays with the kids no one else plays with on the playground.

God's bigger than that thing you worried about or dreamt about. I promise.

God is doing a new thing. In me, in you, in us. The old has gone, the new has come!

He's God. I'm me. When I remember that simple arrangement, life goes so much better.

The God who loved Judah and David and Paul, loves you. And that's a very redeeming thought.

Sometimes the stranger you meet has a story to share, if, you'll take the time to ask a question.

Your identity is set. That debate is over. Today, don't be a shy work of art. Be a loud work of art.

You've been with Jesus – A savior who loves doing extraordinary things with ordinary people like us.

Rescue is a one way trip. There will be no going back. For you, for me, for all the imperfect people.

More banners. Less guns. More grace. Less works. More boasting. Less hiding. Want to come with me?

You and I can rest in the truth of that and be bold in the risks we take and the hope we have. Because our identity is not at stake.

What does He call us? What phrase or words does he give us instead of "Real Christian?" Son. Daughter. And it turns out, those two words are enough.

 

(For more awesome stuff from Scott, check out his blog, The Responsible Puppet.)

SCLQ – Who is our Kanye & Jay-Z?

Recently, Kanye West and Jay-Z teamed up for a new album. You probably don't know about it if it's on your TISKE list. But they did.

And when their record came out, it made me think:

Who is the Kanye & Jay-Z of Christianity?

Who are two different Christian musicians you'd love to see partner together for a big project?

Who are two different pastors you'd love to see team up to create some sort of superhero duo?

I'd love to see Andy Stanley and Matt Chandler write a book together. Musically speaking? I personally would like to see Michael W. Smith and Jon Acuff release an album titled "Riding horses together cause we're best friends," but that's me. But how about you?

Name 2 musicians or bands you'd love to see release an album or 2 pastors you'd love to see connect on a project.

Secretly hating to journal.

Let it out. You're amongst friends.

You might have to front and fake in your small group. You might have to bring your journal to church and talk about it like an old companion on the road to glory, but this is a safe place.

Admit it: You hate to journal.

The idea of getting up at the crack of dawn, opening your notebook, and writing down your thoughts and prayers makes you mad. You don't want to scribble down prayers in your journal. You want to punch that journal in the face.

I'm with you. I am.

As a writer, I go through seasons where I love to journal about what's happening in my life and others where I can't stand it. The funny thing about all of this is that, somewhere along the way, journaling became the 11th commandment.

"Thou Shalt Journal" might not be technically written in the Bible, but we act like it is.

I once even heard a pastor brilliantly challenge this belief by saying, "Remember how often Jesus wrote in his journal in the New Testament?

He's right! Remember all those verses about Jesus going off by himself to journal? His two favorite activities were walking on water and journaling. There was nothing he loved more than grabbing a cup of coffee (Father, Son and Holy Roast), picking up his journal, and sitting by the Sea of Galilee. And when he called the disciples, wasn't that his initial message? "Come journal with me and I will make you fishers of men." Jesus Christ? Huge journaler!

That's how it feels sometimes in church, but not today!

If you hate to journal, let's hear it in the comments!

If you love to journal, shout that out too!