Debbie Russell's Blog, page 5

2024: The Year of No Regrets

Happy New Year!

And…we’re off! New year, new goals, new challenges, new attitude, right?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes all the hoopla about self improvement gets on my nerves. The implication is that we’ve collectively let ourselves slide into inert blobs composed of sweets and artery-hardening processed foods.

Okay, maybe that was just me, and maybe it was just for a couple of weeks.

But I digress…

Still, if you reside in a cold climate as I do, it’s hard to resist the idea of nestling under a warm blanket, dogs cuddled up and catching up on NINE SEASONS of a show you missed the first time it came out.

Or, in my case, I took the holiday break to watch (among other things) the Netflix documentary about L’Oréal heiress Lilian Bettencourt and the scandal around the mismanagement of her enormous wealth. Setting aside the dubious political contributions, one thing that struck me about Ms. Bettencourt was that she seemed profoundly lonely. So when people paid attention to her, she showered them with gifts. Which encouraged them to pay more attention to her. It was clear where this was going, long before her daughter stepped in and put a stop to it.

At the very end, a journalist asked Ms. Bettencourt if she had any regrets. Her answer moved me (quite unexpectedly I should add):

“Would you regret, if you could, being too generous?”

That’s when I decided 2024 will be a year where I will have no regrets. I encounter people all the time who have ideas and plans that somehow fall away. Lots of people have told me they’ve considered writing a book. To them I say: DO IT! There’s a reason the Nike commercial was so successful. JUST DO IT is a pretty easy concept to remember. Not always easy to execute, but I’m going to make it my primary motto for 2024.

In writing news, I’m starting to pull together the research for book #2, about my prosecution of the wife of Minnesota Viking Joe Senser. I’m really excited to see where this project goes. I love, love, love research, and even though you’d think I know everything there is to know about the case, twelve years time can expose memory loss, but also bring new and different perspectives. Rather than a dry recitation of yet another true crime story, I want to tap into themes of ignorance, arrogance and my new favorite theme: the dysfunctional family. 😊

Finally, for my paid subscribers, I’ll be adding a feature here where I answer reader questions. The first question I will answer is the one I’ve gotten the most:

Does your mother know about the book?

If you have a question about Crossing Fifty-One, feel free to reply to this email, or leave a comment. I plan to answer one question a month.

I’m always looking for more honest book reviews, so if you’d like to leave one, you can do so HERE! Even just a rating helps boost the book to other Amazon readers.

Did you set goals or resolutions for 2024? Let me know in the comments!

Until next month,

~ Debbie

January Podcast Recommendation:

I can’t remember if I recommended this book as one of my nonfiction picks, but it was one of those I would characterize as life changing. I’m someone who has always cared WAY too much about too many things and the book helped me to think about that differently. The relief I feel now is palpable.

I may soon run out of podcast selections, so if you have one you like, let me know and I can share it!

January Book Recommendations:

Nonfiction:

One thing I think helps to bridge cultural divides is a story about an individual person. We all experience joy, pain, anger and love albeit in different ways. If we can start to accept the suffering of others, we can see our shared humanity. The Warmth of Other Suns tells the stories of three real people and their journeys from the deep south north to what they thought would be a better life.

Fiction:

The Plot came out just as I was in the throes of submitting Crossing Fifty-One to publishers and it gave me pause when I considered how much ego is invested in trying to make it as a published author. It’s a good mystery and some solve it sooner than others. It’s also a reminder that most fiction is born from real life!

Joy to the World!

Seven years ago today, I stepped into a therapist’s office for the first time and proceeded to blubber for the better part of an hour. Things seemed quite dire at the time, primarily because it was four days before Christmas and my mother was giving me the silent treatment. I was adrift in the uncertainty around whether I’d be spending Christmas alone. What I didn’t realize back then is that profound loneliness can be felt even in a crowded room filled with merrymaking.

So much has changed for me since then. Most importantly, I’ve created new traditions with members of my family of choice, and now can bask in a sense of peace—much more so than I can recall since my dad passed away. I’ve also found my own version of “cozy” which I firmly embrace!

As we pass through winter solstice, we’ve come to understand that the lack of daylight has the power to affect some of us quite profoundly. The same goes for the overconsumption of sweets. I find that brisk walks with the dogs help me maintain good physical and mental health. Their joy seems to be boundless and is contagious!

Book/writing news

🚨You heard it here first! 🚨

I’m thrilled to report that I am now represented by agent Jennifer Thompson with Nordlyset Literary Agency. I appreciate Jennifer’s enthusiasm for the seeds of ideas I’m planting for my next book about my prosecution of Amy Senser. I look forward to having her expertise on board while I harvest the many lessons and themes from this particular story. So much to write about! 😃

Crossing Fifty-One continues to do well, and I’ve set a goal to find a home for the production of an audiobook version. I know many of you have asked me about an audiobook, and I hope to have one available in 2024!

I’m also proud to share that Crossing Fifty-One has won an award. I try not to put too much weight on these things, but I will admit it does feel good!

December podcast recommendation:

As usual, I’m a latecomer to this podcast, having only first learned about it this past summer, when Jason, Sean and Will took it on tour. I’ve enjoyed every episode, even when they interview someone with whom I’m unfamiliar. Somehow, hearing about how creative geniuses struggle with their inner critics is quite comforting. Also, did you know that you can be rich and famous and still struggle with feeling okay?

December book recommendations:Nonfiction:

My friend and author mentor Nita Sweeney has just released this lovely little book that’s perfect for maintaining a meditation practice without feeling overwhelmed.

Fiction:

I read the book All the Light We Cannot See many years ago and loved it. I’ve not yet seen the Netflix series, but have heard good things. So there you have it!

And finally…I’m knocking on the door to 60 ratings/reviews! Can you take a minute to leave one HERE?

~ Whatever you’re celebrating and however you celebrate, I wish you peace, love, and joy!

Debbie

What a Christmas Ornament Taught me About Radical Acceptance

I wrote this a year ago and pitched it to Huff Post. Since they didn’t take it, I thought I’d share it here.

“Could I get your address please?”

As hard as it was for me to type those words, it was beyond time. After all, here it was, the week after Thanksgiving and my younger brother had moved in April. More significantly, he bought a house with his fiancée - an event one would think he might want to share with his only sibling.

One would think.

I only found out about it in September, and only by asking when he and his fiancée might decide to close the gap of the one-hour drive between them.

“Oh yeah…well…it turns out, we bought a house.”

When he added that the happy event occurred five months prior, I suppressed the ache in my heart and offered my hearty congratulations. What else was there to do?

I haven’t spoken to him since.

And here comes Christmas. Christmases have been rough for me for some time. In my family, there’s always been a sense of desperation to keep everything the way it always was, even as time was forcing us all forward. Not to mention, the way it always was was pretty exhausting. We’d have to do all the things, even though we no longer had the energy or desire.  Nostalgia warped reality. Festive decorations and sugar-coated treats concealed the dysfunction underneath.

The Art of the Apology

When Fuji (my Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever) turned two, I lovingly picked out what I believed to be the perfect gift. It seemed sturdy, squeaky, and fun. Sturdy being the quality I look for most when choosing toys for the boys.

Turns out, it wasn’t quite sturdy enough to last one hour.

Ugh.

Did I mention it wasn’t cheap?

I never had human children, so I never had to teach a young person the art of the apology. And dogs—not speaking our language—have no need for that particular skill. Even though friends of mine will describe a look they get from their dog when they come home to some form of destruction, I’m skeptical that dogs have the capacity for guilt.

But I digress.

In a world where we are urged to “Live Unapologetically” and the hashtag #SorryNotSorry reigns supreme, I’m an over-apologizer. As someone who tends to speak my mind more often than not, being able to apologize has served me well. On the other hand, “sorry” seems to be my default if anything goes wrong, regardless of whether I’m actually to blame.

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Giving Thanks

Another round of holidays is here, along with all the tips for how to survive time with family. As I put the finishing touches on my contribution to “Friendsgiving,” I’m thankful for the opportunity to spend this holiday with people who love me for exactly who I am. I’ve already talked with people who are dreading the “navigation” around certain family members who seem determined to ruin it for the rest of us.

When my immediate family unit blew up in the wake of my beloved father’s death, I’d experience unease when someone would ask about how I was spending the holidays. I’m pleased to report that I now feel no such discomfort in sharing my plans. If anyone thinks I ought to be doing something different, well, that’s an opinion I’ll feel free to ignore. People still struggle to talk about dysfunctional families, and the Hallmark Channel doesn’t make it any easier. I’d like to think that by sharing my story, it makes it easier for others to feel a little less alone.

As I look back on the events of this year, my heart overflows with gratitude for everyone who supported me on my book journey by buying a copy, spreading the word, writing a review, or just sending me a note telling me how it affected them.

Grateful for Reconciliation

I’m also grateful for the power of reconciliation. I’ve experienced it several times in the past few months and it’s convinced me that, until we’re in the ground (or scattered into the sea or some other location), there’s always, ALWAYS a possibility for reconciliation, if it’s the right thing for those involved. The longer I live, the more I see how sometimes a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication can derail a relationship. Open hearts can put it back on track.

Have you experienced reconciliation?

What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?

~ Until next month,

Debbie

Upcoming Events:

Twin Cities friends, if you bought a book and would like it signed, I’ll be at Twin Cities Obedience Club in Minneapolis this coming Saturday and can sign your copy!

If you’ve been meaning to buy a book, I’ll have books there to sell!

Podcast pick

This podcast came to my attention via a recommendation from a Facebook friend. I’ve become fascinated with the study of the human mind and how people find strength in times of adversity.

November book recommendations

Nonfiction:

I first read this book many years ago, but picked it up again to study J.R. Moehringer’s writing style. A good memoir should read like a good novel, and this one delivers.

Fiction:

This book blew me away. I wasn’t so sure when I started, as I wondered if I could get into a story about an octopus in captivity. But it was so much more than that. Trust me.

I’ve set a new goal of 60 Amazon ratings/reviews by the end of the year. Can you help me out? Here’s the link:

Matthew Perry and the Aching Void

Like so many, I was shocked and saddened to read the news of Matthew Perry’s death at 54. From all accounts to date, he died alone, at home in his hot tub.

I followed Perry on Instagram and remember seeing what would be the last photo he’d post, several days before his death. I studied it briefly and felt a sense of melancholy before scrolling on. Obviously someone took the photo, so he was not alone in that moment, but to my mind, the image depicted profound loneliness.

Or was that my own projection?

I’ve not read Perry’s memoir, and am not sure I will. I don’t need to feel horrified at the amount of alcohol and opioids he put into his body. I’m more interested in how he got to the point of needing all of it to dull the pain. His early family systems seem to have left him on an island. I think about that often when I come into contact with children of divorce—especially when each parent takes another partner and forms another family. Where do the original children fit as they shuttle back and forth between households?

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Which Battle Will You Pick?

I was pretty young when I first learned I was a difficult child. My mother did a bang up job of laying that on me—with plenty of stories shared with others about my obstinance. For some reason “go along to get along” had not been properly wired in my psyche as an infant, and this would become a source of great consternation to all within my orbit.

“I do not want to kiss Uncle Karl.”

Friends, those eight words—uttered when I was under the age of three—became the stuff of family legend. Of course, I have no specific memory of the event as described, but I do know it occurred before I turned three because we moved to Wisconsin when I was three, and that particular uncle was from the California side of the family. It was also around that time I suffered an epic meltdown in an airport, likely bringing great humiliation upon my mother, for which she never forgave me. I mean, why else did she feel the need to bring it up time and time again in front of company?

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Flying From the Inside

You might not guess it, but I’m a huge Shinedown fan. Brent Smith’s powerful writing and vocals, combined with the soaring musical journeys created in each song, have always resonated with me.

Shinedown’s first major hit, “Fly From the Inside” arrived in 2003 and included this chorus:

I found a way to steal the sun from the sky,Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

In a 2004 interview, Smith shared the meaning behind “Fly From the Inside,” saying:

“It’s about having an unattainable dream that maybe the people around you are telling you that you can’t accomplish and you’re never going to succeed at it, and maybe they’re being that way towards you because they didn’t go after THEIR dreams. And “Fly from the Inside” is just a metaphor about believing in yourself and going after anything that seems unattainable. You have to at least try for it...because you’ll be kicking yourself in the ass if you don’t!”

You can read his entire interview here.

Shinedown, and Smith specifically, have endured for two decades. Their latest single, “A Symptom of Being Human” captures the universality of feeling completely out of place or helpless.

Over the last month, I realized the primary source of my emotional malaise was that I had forgotten how to fly from the inside. I was still chasing external validation in the form of book sales and reviews. Rather than basking in the joy of actually having published a really good book, I moved the goal posts. I thought that somehow I’d be thrilled with fifty reviews. But now I want 75. I thought I’d be thrilled with 500 sales. But now I want 1,000. Every time I achieved something significant, my brain found a way to discount it.

It’s crippling, y’all. But actually, not unusual. It’s just another symptom of being human.

In late August, I did a thorough search of my soul to figure out what feeds it. I asked myself the question “what is it that brings me purpose and joy?” I discovered it was resuming the research of my family history, sharing time with my boys and exploring the rest of world. Well, maybe for now, just the rest of the country. In the middle of September, I took possession of Billy the Travel Trailer and Daisy the Durango. The lightning speed with which these major purchases happened gave me no time to reconsider the prudence of such acts.

I then took a very short trip to a state park in Waterloo Iowa and figured out just how Billy worked and how hard I could push Daisy before she resisted. The best part was the side trip to Chariton, where I visited the gravesite of my great grandfather and, with the help of the current vicar of the tiny Episcopal church, obtained a sense of how much Joseph Russell impacted his church and community.

Fresh off that triumph, I participated in an amazing conversation about Crossing Fifty-One and talked about the shame of family secrets—in my case, several generations’ worth. Even the bookstore manager commented on how riveting the discussion was.

On the way home in the pouring rain, I basked in the connections that were created within that space and time, and realized that anytime the book achieves those moments is a huge win that’s WAY more impactful than sales or reviews.

This month, instead of my usual book suggestions, I’m going to recommend a podcast. My October pick is from fellow Minnesotan John Moe. I’ve not yet read his book, The Hilarious World of Depression, but it’s in my Kindle TBR queue. I was really moved by his interview with Felicia Day. It turns out, success does very little to alleviate perfectionism and anxiety. Who knew??

I also recommend his interview with Meg Kissinger, award winning journalist and author of While You Were Out: An Intimate Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence. I’ve put a hold on it at my library and look forward to digging into Meg’s research of her own family history.

Finally, I send my sincere thanks to all of you who have upgraded to paid subscriptions and provided book ratings or reviews. (If you’ve been meaning to, you can post a review here.) You reinforce for me that my writing has value.

Tell me…how will you fly from the inside?

Until next time ~

Debbie

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The Fallacy of Fairness

This week’s events found me questioning “why?” with more frequency than usual. To be clear, I’ve always been one of those people who wonders “why?” about a lot of things. I’m certain I started out as that little kid who kept asking “why?” until a parent—clearly losing patience—responded: “Because I said so.”

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To All the Dogs I've Loved Before Part 4: Jet

He wasn’t planned.

But then again, neither was the Princess Perfect Casey Mae, who came before him and was about to turn six when he was born.

Molly had been gone three years and CM and Josie existed in an uneasy alliance, sprinkled with occasional hostility, most of which I only saw after the fact (like the holes in Josie’s ear flap…)

But I digress…

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