Frank L. Cole's Blog, page 5
March 13, 2012
Boot Camp and Decapitated Chickens
Last week was hec....tic. Lots of driving and speaking and a little tomfoolery as well. I revisited some old friends (the Palmers) in the Mt. Pleasant area on Thursday. If you're not familiar with Mt. Pleasant it is way out there. Past the mountains. Past the point when you stop seeing things your used to seeing and start seeing things like Captain Jack Sparrow and a whole mess of rock crabs. All seriousness, I love Mt. Pleasant. It's a haven from the bustles of life. Plus, not only did I get to present to several schools and sign at the public library (oh, we sold out of my books. Booyeah!) But I also had the privilege of hanging with my good buddy Tyler Whitesides. Tyler is the ridiculously talented author of the Janitors series. If you haven't read his debut novel, you're seriously missing out. Brilliant. That's all I can say. Oh, and he's loopy like me. I also got to rub shoulders with Robison Wells the author of Variant. He's another loopy but awesome author. I sometimes have to sit back and think, how the heck did I get so lucky to hang with such amazing writers? Did I mention I love Mt. Pleasant? Even with their decapitated chickens and mafia skunks. Sorry folks. I know I made you believe I would explain the title of this blog post, but I can't. That's an insider story for me and those fortunate enough to hear it.
On Saturday, I had yet another event at the Teen Authors Boot Camp in Orem. Brandon Mull was the keynote speaker and I was a drill sergeant. Teaching teens about writing and making them laugh is an honor. Of course, I was the low man on the totem pole when you look at the talent they brought in to teach the other classes. Brandon Mull, J. Scott Savage, Tyler Whitesides, Elizabeth Mueller, Bethany Wiggins, Elana Johnson, Kristen Chandler. Again. How did I get mixed in with that awesome group? Pure luck of the Irish. And I'm only a quarter Sicilian. True story.
It was a serious bunch, but here's one pic from the camp.
Top row from left to right: Jennifer Jenkins a member of Writers Cubed who organized the camp. Tahsha Ford and Lois Brown, also members of Writers Cubed. Margie Jordan and Jo Seable-Schaffer rounding out the rest of the Cubies (as they like to be called.) Kristen Chandler, author of Wolves, Boys, and Other Things that Might Kill Me and Girls Don't Fly.
Bottom row from left to right: Tyler Whitesides, author of Janitors. Me. J. Scott Savage, author of the Farworld series. That's Brandon Mull, author of the #1 NY Times Bestseller, Beyonders: A World Without Heroes and the amazing Fablehaven series, holding the sign... looking chipper. Elana Johnson, author of Possession and Surrender. Bethany Wiggins, author of Shifting. And lastly, Elizabeth Mueller, author of Darkspell.
If I could teach teens all day everyday about writing and hang out with these studpuppies, I would live my life right forever. Become a vegetarian. Recycle. Take less bubble baths. The whole gambit.
Lastly, we're soooo close to revealing the cover for The Guardians of Elijah's Fire. So close. It is foolipping awesome.
Weeewerrrree. That's the sound I now make when I've completed a blog post.
Weeewerrrree.
On Saturday, I had yet another event at the Teen Authors Boot Camp in Orem. Brandon Mull was the keynote speaker and I was a drill sergeant. Teaching teens about writing and making them laugh is an honor. Of course, I was the low man on the totem pole when you look at the talent they brought in to teach the other classes. Brandon Mull, J. Scott Savage, Tyler Whitesides, Elizabeth Mueller, Bethany Wiggins, Elana Johnson, Kristen Chandler. Again. How did I get mixed in with that awesome group? Pure luck of the Irish. And I'm only a quarter Sicilian. True story.
It was a serious bunch, but here's one pic from the camp.
Top row from left to right: Jennifer Jenkins a member of Writers Cubed who organized the camp. Tahsha Ford and Lois Brown, also members of Writers Cubed. Margie Jordan and Jo Seable-Schaffer rounding out the rest of the Cubies (as they like to be called.) Kristen Chandler, author of Wolves, Boys, and Other Things that Might Kill Me and Girls Don't Fly.
Bottom row from left to right: Tyler Whitesides, author of Janitors. Me. J. Scott Savage, author of the Farworld series. That's Brandon Mull, author of the #1 NY Times Bestseller, Beyonders: A World Without Heroes and the amazing Fablehaven series, holding the sign... looking chipper. Elana Johnson, author of Possession and Surrender. Bethany Wiggins, author of Shifting. And lastly, Elizabeth Mueller, author of Darkspell.
If I could teach teens all day everyday about writing and hang out with these studpuppies, I would live my life right forever. Become a vegetarian. Recycle. Take less bubble baths. The whole gambit.
Lastly, we're soooo close to revealing the cover for The Guardians of Elijah's Fire. So close. It is foolipping awesome.
Weeewerrrree. That's the sound I now make when I've completed a blog post.
Weeewerrrree.
March 7, 2012
Oh So Many Characters
As I've been working on Hashbrown Winters part 4, I've been reflecting a lot on Hashbrown's humble beginnings. I have tons of files of different directions I tried to take Hashbrown back in the day, but I also looked at all the different characters from the stories. There are so many of them. These are the entries in the back of books 1 and 2 written from the perspective of Gabriel "The Oracle" Yucatan who's been trapped in his locker for 7 years. If you've never bitten into a Hashbrown Winters' Adventure before, you may be missing a chance to chuckle. Just saying...
Hashbrown Winters – Flinton Deanderbow– 5th Grade - I still remember the day when he out ate Butter Bibowski in that ridiculous hash brown eating contest. So he has a tree house… so what? I had a tree house once, now I have a locker, but no one's invited to see inside it.
Snow Cone Jones – Pierre Yosepa – 5th Grade - Dared by Pinata Gonzales to eat a parking cone filled with dirty, lemon flavored snow. Only I'm pretty sure it wasn't lemon.
Whiz Peterson – Charlie Mac – 5th Grade - Latest birthday gifts: rubber pants, rubber sheets, and a moving sidewalk that runs from his bed all the way to the toilet.
Four-hips Dixon – Leslie Kip – 5th Grade - Banned from every all-you-can eat buffet in the county. No one's safe when his hunger rages, not even polar bears.
Measles Mumphrey – Zachery Lewis- 5th Grade – That boy has an itching problem and one of his measles looks exactly like Queen Cleopatra.
Bubblegum Bulkins – Eric Isaac – 5th Grade - Has gone his entire grade school career chewing bubble-gum, every day, even during lunch. Don't bother asking me how he managed doing that on the day they served creamed asparagus souffle.
Hambone Oxcart – 5th Grade – Apparently he is really mean and eats wood. People call him the number one bully at Pordunce Elementary, but he's never really bothered me. Of course, he generally tries to avoid talking lockers.
Misty Piccolo – 5th Grade - Beauty, perfect grades, perfect teeth, and she's every teacher's pet… I see no real value.
Tony Ten Fingers – Tony Namoth Spelunker – 6th Grade - The muscle behind the Figanewty Organization. Has locked many a student into their lockers and yet, fortunately, they've all somehow made it home for dinner. Where's the justice in that?
Cordovo Figanewty – 6th Grade supposedly - I actually laughed so hard I cried the day the Figanewty Family pushed the teaching staff out of the lounge and into the janitorial closet. Ha! See how you like tight, enclosed spaces! I will say this though, with all of Cordovo's moving around to different schools over the years, I'm pretty sure he should be graduated from high school by now. But what do I know? I'm only the Oracle!
Luinda "The Manatee" Sharpie – 4th Grade - I typically don't shower praises down upon the heads of my classmates, especially anyone that goes by the name of Manatee, but Luinda has a gift. I know it may be difficult to believe, but you didn't see her cartwheel kick that one boy when he made fun of her braces.
Teeter Totter Williams – Allen Roger – 6th Grade – Really what are parents feeding kids these days? My advice would be to avoid the teeter totters, the see-saws and pretty much any playground device that could be used as a launching pad.
Pigeon Criggle – Donald Cal – 1st Grade - What a pest! Fluttering and squealing this way and that. Somebody needs to put that boy in a cage or stuff a cracker in his mouth for the love of Pete!
Paul "The Shiek" Rumspill – 6th Grade - Plays a mean flute, but no one's supposed to know about that. He also wore a turban to school for three years just because he could.
Razor Cannelloni - Louis – 6th Grade – Another trouble-maker. Tends to sharpen anything he can get his hands on. Pencils, erasers, chocolate bars, students…
Squid Madsen – Marcus – 6th Grade - He's somewhat of a master at giving swirlies. I hear they are quite refreshing.
Tommy Pastrami – Tommy Rudebager – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Petey Provolone – Pete Lumbunts – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Butter Bibowski - Lintel Montgomery – 5th Grade - An artist of sorts. He once made an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty out of nothing but mounds of unsalted butter.
Pot Roast Oberham – Gregory – 5th Grade - Brings his lunch in a crock-pot and frequently wows the students with his fabulous recipes. You should try his crepes. They are wonderful and fit perfectly through a locker slot.
Stilts Drubbers – Ethan Oakley – 5th Grade - As far as doctors can tell, his body is missing his torso. His legs actually start right beneath his armpits.
Piñata Gonzales – Calvin Fred – 5th Grade - Is always sneaking into the school with gobs of wrapped candies in his pockets. I can usually tell where he's been just by watching the swarms of first graders eating his dropped gum drops off the floor.
Staples Ardmore – Larry Mort – 5th Grade - What a klutz. He no longer has feeling in any of his fingers, his elbows or his belly button. Some dares just aren't worth going through with.
Petrol Giminski – Harold – 5th Grade - His family runs one of the local gas stations. He smells of unleaded fuel and once took a bath in motor oil.
Camo Phillips - Roderick Bismuth – 5th Grade – I'm not too fond of this sneaky one. It's embarrassing really, but I once carried on a conversation with him for fifteen minutes thinking I was chatting with the drinking fountain.
Radar Munski – Matthew Joseph – 5th Grade - Rumor has it; he can hear the late bell ringing before the principal actually pushes it.
Saddle Bags Bollinger – Shad Olaf – 5th Grade - Whatever you do, don't go horseback riding with him. Not a pretty sight… so I've heard.
The Oracle – Gabriel Yucatan – Who cares? - I rule this school! So what if I've been trapped in my locker for seven years. My business is booming and I have tee-shirts on sale in the lunch room.
Yeti Mckean – Adam Douglas – 5th Grade - Since when did burlap pants become popular. Oh wait a minute, Yeti always wears shorts. Ms. Borfish once punished him for not eating all of his lunch by throwing him into a sink filled with greasy dishes. The pots and pans have never shined so bright.
Moses Merryweather – Steven Cobble – 4th Grade - Wannabe. Imposter. Don't get me started on that loon! Just give me five minutes alone with him in front of my locker. I'll poke that fake beard right off his face!
Gavin Glasses – Cole Robertson – 1st Grade - Yes, he's smarter than most wizards, but really what has that brain of his accomplished? Daily phone calls from N.A.S.A. and an honorary member of Hashbrown's club? Please! I hardly call those achievements.
Hi Mashimoto – 5th Grade - Oh, I'll admit I was excited about Mashimoto's Grand Gala. But you try squeezing your way through two miles of air conditioning duct. It's not pretty. Well, at least I have this delicious piece of blue-colored pizza to nibble on. I've always liked that Mashimoto…
Humus Laredo – Orville Granola – 5th Grade - As far as I can tell, he's not human. Anyone who eats bird feed and soy milk for lunch is from another planet. Oh, and I'm pretty sure tree huggers don't really hug trees.
Tyson the Teapot – Elroy Hutchings – 4th Grade - Short, stout and incredibly ornery whenever he's near a sauna. He's an absolutely horrible checker player too.
Gurgles Dunderland – Albert Joe – 4th Grade - Don't be deceived by his nickname. Gurgling is not what I would call the noise coming from that boy. If your washing machine made half the sounds his stomach made, you'd throw it in a ditch.
Echo Rodriguez – Ronald – 3rd Grade – He once got in an argument with himself which started a feud for over a month. He had to use Pigeon Criggle to send messages back and forth to himself until finally he… they… oh whatever, worked it out.
Brandy Newspickle – 5th Grade - One of the local pretties. Always smiling, giggling, and eyelash batting. I grow nauseous with it all.
Squeaky Mittons – Dennis Tibbs – 3rd Grade - I swear we've tried everything to rid that boy of his squeaking. We don't even know where the sound is coming from.
Weather Vane Dane – Ian – 2nd Grade - All I have to say is Weather Vane is forbidden in the third grade wing. That lightning rod is bad news for anyone trapped inside a metal box.
Yankee Molicka – Chester – 2nd Grade – Never has to worry about putting in ear plugs whenever Ms. Borfish brings out her megaphone. Matter-of-fact, none of the students in the 2nd grade have to worry about putting in earplugs when Yankee's feeling generous.
Tuna Fish Marrero – Albacore Roderie – 5th Grade - It's one thing to bring a dead tuna for show and tell, but it's a completely different thing to wear the dead fish on one's hand like a puppet during the school's Christmas concert pretending that it's the ghost of Christmas past.
Fibber Mckenzie – Alex London – 5th Grade - To his defense, Fibber's not really sure what the truth is anymore. Rumor has it, he was abducted by aliens at a very young age and had his brain altered to where he had no choice but to lie about everything. Of course, I believe Fibber started that rumor.
Frosty John a.k.a. Salami Johnson – Hank Horace Johnson – 6th Grade - By now you've heard how Frosty got his name, but few people remember him when he went by Salami Johnson. Back in those days when I was locker-free, it was perfectly normal for students to throw cold cuts at the lunch lady when you ran out of chocolate milk.
Cup O' Noodle Hickok – Richard Elroy – 5th Grade – Was always complaining about having to walk to school in the winter so he came up with the brilliant idea of filling his pants pockets with hot soup to stay warm. Boy did he love the idea. Now even in the summer, you can smell a strong odor of noodle soup wafting from his jeans.
Salisbury Dickory – Colby Trey – 6th Grade – Of all the stupid costume choices for Pordunce's Halloween Party, his takes the cake, or should I say steak? He even forced some first grader to walk around with him dressed as a large can of gravy.
Mensa Michaels – Benjamin Victor – 1st Grade – Supposedly he's pretty good at math, half-way decent in chemistry and can recite all of Shakespeare's plays from memory. But can he stuff a microwaveable pizza through a locker slot? Nope. Moron!
Wombat Willie – Wayne Workman – 6th Grade – No one believed him when he said he had a real live kangaroo stuffed under his jacket last year at football tryouts. That was until Vice Principal Humidor got booted through the goal posts when he made the mistake of getting too close and barking like a coyote.
Wish-Bone Parker – Chad Wayne – 4th Grade – You'd be able to do the splits too, if you were dumb enough to try and return a mechanical pencil to Luinda "The Manatee" Sharpie's school store. Now Wish-Bone can kick a whistle out from between his own teeth.
Frankie Folds – Lewis Nuttermeyer – 6th Grade - Not a very good poker player.
Hashbrown Winters – Flinton Deanderbow– 5th Grade - I still remember the day when he out ate Butter Bibowski in that ridiculous hash brown eating contest. So he has a tree house… so what? I had a tree house once, now I have a locker, but no one's invited to see inside it.
Snow Cone Jones – Pierre Yosepa – 5th Grade - Dared by Pinata Gonzales to eat a parking cone filled with dirty, lemon flavored snow. Only I'm pretty sure it wasn't lemon.
Whiz Peterson – Charlie Mac – 5th Grade - Latest birthday gifts: rubber pants, rubber sheets, and a moving sidewalk that runs from his bed all the way to the toilet.
Four-hips Dixon – Leslie Kip – 5th Grade - Banned from every all-you-can eat buffet in the county. No one's safe when his hunger rages, not even polar bears.
Measles Mumphrey – Zachery Lewis- 5th Grade – That boy has an itching problem and one of his measles looks exactly like Queen Cleopatra.
Bubblegum Bulkins – Eric Isaac – 5th Grade - Has gone his entire grade school career chewing bubble-gum, every day, even during lunch. Don't bother asking me how he managed doing that on the day they served creamed asparagus souffle.
Hambone Oxcart – 5th Grade – Apparently he is really mean and eats wood. People call him the number one bully at Pordunce Elementary, but he's never really bothered me. Of course, he generally tries to avoid talking lockers.
Misty Piccolo – 5th Grade - Beauty, perfect grades, perfect teeth, and she's every teacher's pet… I see no real value.
Tony Ten Fingers – Tony Namoth Spelunker – 6th Grade - The muscle behind the Figanewty Organization. Has locked many a student into their lockers and yet, fortunately, they've all somehow made it home for dinner. Where's the justice in that?
Cordovo Figanewty – 6th Grade supposedly - I actually laughed so hard I cried the day the Figanewty Family pushed the teaching staff out of the lounge and into the janitorial closet. Ha! See how you like tight, enclosed spaces! I will say this though, with all of Cordovo's moving around to different schools over the years, I'm pretty sure he should be graduated from high school by now. But what do I know? I'm only the Oracle!
Luinda "The Manatee" Sharpie – 4th Grade - I typically don't shower praises down upon the heads of my classmates, especially anyone that goes by the name of Manatee, but Luinda has a gift. I know it may be difficult to believe, but you didn't see her cartwheel kick that one boy when he made fun of her braces.
Teeter Totter Williams – Allen Roger – 6th Grade – Really what are parents feeding kids these days? My advice would be to avoid the teeter totters, the see-saws and pretty much any playground device that could be used as a launching pad.
Pigeon Criggle – Donald Cal – 1st Grade - What a pest! Fluttering and squealing this way and that. Somebody needs to put that boy in a cage or stuff a cracker in his mouth for the love of Pete!
Paul "The Shiek" Rumspill – 6th Grade - Plays a mean flute, but no one's supposed to know about that. He also wore a turban to school for three years just because he could.
Razor Cannelloni - Louis – 6th Grade – Another trouble-maker. Tends to sharpen anything he can get his hands on. Pencils, erasers, chocolate bars, students…
Squid Madsen – Marcus – 6th Grade - He's somewhat of a master at giving swirlies. I hear they are quite refreshing.
Tommy Pastrami – Tommy Rudebager – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Petey Provolone – Pete Lumbunts – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Butter Bibowski - Lintel Montgomery – 5th Grade - An artist of sorts. He once made an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty out of nothing but mounds of unsalted butter.
Pot Roast Oberham – Gregory – 5th Grade - Brings his lunch in a crock-pot and frequently wows the students with his fabulous recipes. You should try his crepes. They are wonderful and fit perfectly through a locker slot.
Stilts Drubbers – Ethan Oakley – 5th Grade - As far as doctors can tell, his body is missing his torso. His legs actually start right beneath his armpits.
Piñata Gonzales – Calvin Fred – 5th Grade - Is always sneaking into the school with gobs of wrapped candies in his pockets. I can usually tell where he's been just by watching the swarms of first graders eating his dropped gum drops off the floor.
Staples Ardmore – Larry Mort – 5th Grade - What a klutz. He no longer has feeling in any of his fingers, his elbows or his belly button. Some dares just aren't worth going through with.
Petrol Giminski – Harold – 5th Grade - His family runs one of the local gas stations. He smells of unleaded fuel and once took a bath in motor oil.
Camo Phillips - Roderick Bismuth – 5th Grade – I'm not too fond of this sneaky one. It's embarrassing really, but I once carried on a conversation with him for fifteen minutes thinking I was chatting with the drinking fountain.
Radar Munski – Matthew Joseph – 5th Grade - Rumor has it; he can hear the late bell ringing before the principal actually pushes it.
Saddle Bags Bollinger – Shad Olaf – 5th Grade - Whatever you do, don't go horseback riding with him. Not a pretty sight… so I've heard.
The Oracle – Gabriel Yucatan – Who cares? - I rule this school! So what if I've been trapped in my locker for seven years. My business is booming and I have tee-shirts on sale in the lunch room.
Yeti Mckean – Adam Douglas – 5th Grade - Since when did burlap pants become popular. Oh wait a minute, Yeti always wears shorts. Ms. Borfish once punished him for not eating all of his lunch by throwing him into a sink filled with greasy dishes. The pots and pans have never shined so bright.
Moses Merryweather – Steven Cobble – 4th Grade - Wannabe. Imposter. Don't get me started on that loon! Just give me five minutes alone with him in front of my locker. I'll poke that fake beard right off his face!
Gavin Glasses – Cole Robertson – 1st Grade - Yes, he's smarter than most wizards, but really what has that brain of his accomplished? Daily phone calls from N.A.S.A. and an honorary member of Hashbrown's club? Please! I hardly call those achievements.
Hi Mashimoto – 5th Grade - Oh, I'll admit I was excited about Mashimoto's Grand Gala. But you try squeezing your way through two miles of air conditioning duct. It's not pretty. Well, at least I have this delicious piece of blue-colored pizza to nibble on. I've always liked that Mashimoto…
Humus Laredo – Orville Granola – 5th Grade - As far as I can tell, he's not human. Anyone who eats bird feed and soy milk for lunch is from another planet. Oh, and I'm pretty sure tree huggers don't really hug trees.
Tyson the Teapot – Elroy Hutchings – 4th Grade - Short, stout and incredibly ornery whenever he's near a sauna. He's an absolutely horrible checker player too.
Gurgles Dunderland – Albert Joe – 4th Grade - Don't be deceived by his nickname. Gurgling is not what I would call the noise coming from that boy. If your washing machine made half the sounds his stomach made, you'd throw it in a ditch.
Echo Rodriguez – Ronald – 3rd Grade – He once got in an argument with himself which started a feud for over a month. He had to use Pigeon Criggle to send messages back and forth to himself until finally he… they… oh whatever, worked it out.
Brandy Newspickle – 5th Grade - One of the local pretties. Always smiling, giggling, and eyelash batting. I grow nauseous with it all.
Squeaky Mittons – Dennis Tibbs – 3rd Grade - I swear we've tried everything to rid that boy of his squeaking. We don't even know where the sound is coming from.
Weather Vane Dane – Ian – 2nd Grade - All I have to say is Weather Vane is forbidden in the third grade wing. That lightning rod is bad news for anyone trapped inside a metal box.
Yankee Molicka – Chester – 2nd Grade – Never has to worry about putting in ear plugs whenever Ms. Borfish brings out her megaphone. Matter-of-fact, none of the students in the 2nd grade have to worry about putting in earplugs when Yankee's feeling generous.
Tuna Fish Marrero – Albacore Roderie – 5th Grade - It's one thing to bring a dead tuna for show and tell, but it's a completely different thing to wear the dead fish on one's hand like a puppet during the school's Christmas concert pretending that it's the ghost of Christmas past.
Fibber Mckenzie – Alex London – 5th Grade - To his defense, Fibber's not really sure what the truth is anymore. Rumor has it, he was abducted by aliens at a very young age and had his brain altered to where he had no choice but to lie about everything. Of course, I believe Fibber started that rumor.
Frosty John a.k.a. Salami Johnson – Hank Horace Johnson – 6th Grade - By now you've heard how Frosty got his name, but few people remember him when he went by Salami Johnson. Back in those days when I was locker-free, it was perfectly normal for students to throw cold cuts at the lunch lady when you ran out of chocolate milk.
Cup O' Noodle Hickok – Richard Elroy – 5th Grade – Was always complaining about having to walk to school in the winter so he came up with the brilliant idea of filling his pants pockets with hot soup to stay warm. Boy did he love the idea. Now even in the summer, you can smell a strong odor of noodle soup wafting from his jeans.
Salisbury Dickory – Colby Trey – 6th Grade – Of all the stupid costume choices for Pordunce's Halloween Party, his takes the cake, or should I say steak? He even forced some first grader to walk around with him dressed as a large can of gravy.
Mensa Michaels – Benjamin Victor – 1st Grade – Supposedly he's pretty good at math, half-way decent in chemistry and can recite all of Shakespeare's plays from memory. But can he stuff a microwaveable pizza through a locker slot? Nope. Moron!
Wombat Willie – Wayne Workman – 6th Grade – No one believed him when he said he had a real live kangaroo stuffed under his jacket last year at football tryouts. That was until Vice Principal Humidor got booted through the goal posts when he made the mistake of getting too close and barking like a coyote.
Wish-Bone Parker – Chad Wayne – 4th Grade – You'd be able to do the splits too, if you were dumb enough to try and return a mechanical pencil to Luinda "The Manatee" Sharpie's school store. Now Wish-Bone can kick a whistle out from between his own teeth.
Frankie Folds – Lewis Nuttermeyer – 6th Grade - Not a very good poker player.
February 19, 2012
Quick Tip for You Writers
I know this is going to seem like a very short post, but I want to make everyone out there aware of a great resource. Writing a novel is one thing. It takes time and energy and rewriting and rewriting, but many of us have now done that. Have we perfected it? No, probably not, which makes writing your next novel all the more important. But for the moment, I want to share a link to a website where you can learn how to write a query letter. You see, writing a query letter to an agent or a publisher, in many cases, can be just as hard and sometimes harder than writing a novel. Shocking? Believe me, it's true. I struggle with this area of condensing and exciting someone to want to open my book. But I found someone who understands how to do this and is willing to offer her knowledge for free.
Check it out when you have a moment. Follow her blog to show your appreciation. And read her books. She's a skilled author and teacher. I had to thank her for helping me see my mistakes in my own query letter writing and you should too. And you're welcome.
Elana Johnson
Check it out when you have a moment. Follow her blog to show your appreciation. And read her books. She's a skilled author and teacher. I had to thank her for helping me see my mistakes in my own query letter writing and you should too. And you're welcome.
Elana Johnson
January 30, 2012
Review of Lisa McCann's Unwanteds
So I'm going to try and review more books on my blog. I'll give snippets on occasion, but here's my first (in a while.)
The Unwanteds by Lisa McMann
Every year in Quill, thirteen-year-olds are sorted into categories: the strong, intelligent Wanteds go to university, and the artistic Unwanteds are sent to their deaths.Thirteen-year-old Alex tries his hardest to be stoic when his fate is announced as Unwanted, even while leaving behind his twin, Aaron, a Wanted. Upon arrival at the destination where he expected to be eliminated, however, Alex discovers a stunning secret—behind the mirage of the "death farm" there is instead a place called Artime.In Artime, each child is taught to cultivate their creative abilities and learn how to use them magically, weaving spells through paintbrushes and musical instruments. Everything Alex has ever known changes before his eyes, and it's a wondrous transformation.But it's a rare, unique occurence for twins to be separated between Wanted and Unwanted, and as Alex and Aaron's bond stretches across their separation, a threat arises for the survival of Artime that will pit brother against brother in an ultimate, magical battle.
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Actually I give it 3.5 stars, but Goodreads won't allow half-star ratings. It was good. I enjoyed reading this. It had a great beginning and an exciting ending but the middle kinda lost me at times. Still, great concept all in all. Great writing. There were a few whoa moments which I appreciated. And I'll check out the sequel as well. On a side note, really weird animal morphed characters hurt my mind a little. I had a hard time envisioning the crocodile/octopus hybrid teacher. Other than that...
The Unwanteds by Lisa McMannEvery year in Quill, thirteen-year-olds are sorted into categories: the strong, intelligent Wanteds go to university, and the artistic Unwanteds are sent to their deaths.Thirteen-year-old Alex tries his hardest to be stoic when his fate is announced as Unwanted, even while leaving behind his twin, Aaron, a Wanted. Upon arrival at the destination where he expected to be eliminated, however, Alex discovers a stunning secret—behind the mirage of the "death farm" there is instead a place called Artime.In Artime, each child is taught to cultivate their creative abilities and learn how to use them magically, weaving spells through paintbrushes and musical instruments. Everything Alex has ever known changes before his eyes, and it's a wondrous transformation.But it's a rare, unique occurence for twins to be separated between Wanted and Unwanted, and as Alex and Aaron's bond stretches across their separation, a threat arises for the survival of Artime that will pit brother against brother in an ultimate, magical battle.
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Actually I give it 3.5 stars, but Goodreads won't allow half-star ratings. It was good. I enjoyed reading this. It had a great beginning and an exciting ending but the middle kinda lost me at times. Still, great concept all in all. Great writing. There were a few whoa moments which I appreciated. And I'll check out the sequel as well. On a side note, really weird animal morphed characters hurt my mind a little. I had a hard time envisioning the crocodile/octopus hybrid teacher. Other than that...
January 27, 2012
Goodreads Give-a-way!
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Goodreads Book Giveaway
The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter
by Frank L. Cole
Giveaway ends February 10, 2012.
See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.
Enter to win
January 24, 2012
My Interview with B.K. Bostick
Hello my peoples! I recently interviewed B.K. Bostick for the man cave blog and wanted you all to see it for yourself. This guy's hilarious and you should totally check out his book(s).
Frank - So B.K. you've been published now and have a couple other books on the horizon. How difficult was your road to publication? And would you say you've finally arrived?
B.K. - The road to publication has been a long one. When I set out a few years ago writing Huber Hill and the Dead Man's Treasure, I didn't anticipate just how hard it would be to find a publisher. I thought the hard part was writing the book- turns out that was the easy part. At one point, I even threw the manuscript in the recycling bin and told myself I was finished searching for publishers, but after I'd poured my heart and soul into the project, I couldn't just give up. I decided to send it to one more publisher and they picked it up. I wouldn't say I've arrived to where I want to be as an author, but at least I've got my foot in the door.
Frank - Congratulations on being published. That's quite an accomplishment. But the world is full of books. Sappy ones. Tender ones. Ones that make our heartstrings reverberate. What makes your book worthy of the man cave blog? Or is it worthy?
B.K. - I truly believe the book is worthy of the man cave blog- it was written by a guy for other guys. It's the kind of outdoor adventure series I loved to read and imagined myself being a part of as a kid. There are a lot of books out there, but with the Huber Hill series, I've tried to create something reminiscent of the Hardy Boys or a Jr. Davinci Code- something that kids can actually see themselves doing (and learn some history and folklore while at it).
Frank - You've just woken up and found yourself marooned on an island. Aside from food, shelter, and water, list your top 5 plans for survival. Oh, and there are zombies…
B.K. - Top 5 plans for survival:
a) Wipe out the zombies using tips from the Zombie Survival Guide
b) Keep one zombie chained up for company
c) Enjoy the little things like eating bugs and counting the stars
d) Make the world's biggest sand castle.
e) On second thought I'd just join the zombies.
Frank - Give us your one paragraph description of Huber Hill and the Dead Man's Treasure. What book does it closely compare with and, more importantly, if your novel were to square off with this comparable book in a death match, which one would win?
B.K. - When his grandfather dies, Huber Hill is devastated---until he opens Grandpa Nick's mysterious box. An old gold coin and directions to a hidden Spanish treasure send him and his friends off on an mind-blowing adventure, but he's not the only one on the hunt. Filled with dangerous animals and cryptic puzzles, this book will have you on the edge of your seat until the last page. People have said it's a mix between Goonies and Holes. I think Dead Man's Treasure wins in a deathmatch with one of them but not both.
Frank - Describe your writing rituals? Are there any necessities you must have for the magic to flow? If someone were to walk in on you and surprise you while writing, would you be embarrassed about what they saw?
B.K. - Dead silence + middle of the night + Reese's & Mtn. Dew= Great writing. They'd find me in my pajamas, chocolate all over my face, and staring at them with glazed over eyes (not unlike a zombie).
Frank - Of all the mysteries in the world, be it paranormal or alien, what creature do you secretly desire to be true? And why?
B.K. - I always thought it'd be cool to be a Predator (from the Arnold movie). Being able to go invisible and secretly target people in infrared has always appealed to me.
Frank - Here's your chance to bring us up to speed on the future for B.K. Bostick. What does it hold? At what point will you be satisfied with your accomplishments?
B.K. - Huber Hill and the Brotherhood of Coronado will be out this fall (those who have read it have said they enjoyed it more than the first). Huber Hill and the Golden Staff of Cíbola, the third and final book of the Huber Hill series will be out in 2013 sometime. I'm very excited for both. I'm also working on a few other super secret projects that I'll hopefully finish before the next decade- here's a hint- they don't involve zombies or islands.
Thanks B.K. for chatting with me!
Frank - So B.K. you've been published now and have a couple other books on the horizon. How difficult was your road to publication? And would you say you've finally arrived?
B.K. - The road to publication has been a long one. When I set out a few years ago writing Huber Hill and the Dead Man's Treasure, I didn't anticipate just how hard it would be to find a publisher. I thought the hard part was writing the book- turns out that was the easy part. At one point, I even threw the manuscript in the recycling bin and told myself I was finished searching for publishers, but after I'd poured my heart and soul into the project, I couldn't just give up. I decided to send it to one more publisher and they picked it up. I wouldn't say I've arrived to where I want to be as an author, but at least I've got my foot in the door.
Frank - Congratulations on being published. That's quite an accomplishment. But the world is full of books. Sappy ones. Tender ones. Ones that make our heartstrings reverberate. What makes your book worthy of the man cave blog? Or is it worthy?
B.K. - I truly believe the book is worthy of the man cave blog- it was written by a guy for other guys. It's the kind of outdoor adventure series I loved to read and imagined myself being a part of as a kid. There are a lot of books out there, but with the Huber Hill series, I've tried to create something reminiscent of the Hardy Boys or a Jr. Davinci Code- something that kids can actually see themselves doing (and learn some history and folklore while at it).
Frank - You've just woken up and found yourself marooned on an island. Aside from food, shelter, and water, list your top 5 plans for survival. Oh, and there are zombies…
B.K. - Top 5 plans for survival:
a) Wipe out the zombies using tips from the Zombie Survival Guide
b) Keep one zombie chained up for company
c) Enjoy the little things like eating bugs and counting the stars
d) Make the world's biggest sand castle.
e) On second thought I'd just join the zombies.
Frank - Give us your one paragraph description of Huber Hill and the Dead Man's Treasure. What book does it closely compare with and, more importantly, if your novel were to square off with this comparable book in a death match, which one would win?
B.K. - When his grandfather dies, Huber Hill is devastated---until he opens Grandpa Nick's mysterious box. An old gold coin and directions to a hidden Spanish treasure send him and his friends off on an mind-blowing adventure, but he's not the only one on the hunt. Filled with dangerous animals and cryptic puzzles, this book will have you on the edge of your seat until the last page. People have said it's a mix between Goonies and Holes. I think Dead Man's Treasure wins in a deathmatch with one of them but not both.
Frank - Describe your writing rituals? Are there any necessities you must have for the magic to flow? If someone were to walk in on you and surprise you while writing, would you be embarrassed about what they saw?
B.K. - Dead silence + middle of the night + Reese's & Mtn. Dew= Great writing. They'd find me in my pajamas, chocolate all over my face, and staring at them with glazed over eyes (not unlike a zombie).
Frank - Of all the mysteries in the world, be it paranormal or alien, what creature do you secretly desire to be true? And why?
B.K. - I always thought it'd be cool to be a Predator (from the Arnold movie). Being able to go invisible and secretly target people in infrared has always appealed to me.
Frank - Here's your chance to bring us up to speed on the future for B.K. Bostick. What does it hold? At what point will you be satisfied with your accomplishments?
B.K. - Huber Hill and the Brotherhood of Coronado will be out this fall (those who have read it have said they enjoyed it more than the first). Huber Hill and the Golden Staff of Cíbola, the third and final book of the Huber Hill series will be out in 2013 sometime. I'm very excited for both. I'm also working on a few other super secret projects that I'll hopefully finish before the next decade- here's a hint- they don't involve zombies or islands.
Thanks B.K. for chatting with me!
January 19, 2012
Hashbrown's Going Overseas!
Yep. You heard me correctly. Cedar Fort just finalized the contract with a Korean publisher who bought the rights to all 3 Hashbrown Winters Adventures! There's also the 4th Hashbrown due out in November and I believe they've either bought that one as well or will in the near future.
KOREA!!!!! What does that mean? I don't know, but I'm hoping for a vacation. Come on, you know you want to see Frankie in Korea. Think of the photo opportunities!
I'm just very excited to say I'm an International Author now.
In other news, The Guardians of Elijah's Fire is now available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
AMAZON - The Guardians of Elijah's Fire
BARNES & NOBLE - The Guardians of Elijah's Fire
This is the sequel to The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter in case you were wondering and it will be available in bookstores some time in June. I'll keep you posted on release parties and signings and other hoopla as we draw near.
I will also be revealing the cover art soon, so stay tuned!
So, for all you folks out there who want to start reading my books. Get crackin'! Hit your local bookstore up for a copy of one the Hashbrown Winters Adventures or The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter right now!
Don't wait until the Mayan Calendar expires!!!
KOREA!!!!! What does that mean? I don't know, but I'm hoping for a vacation. Come on, you know you want to see Frankie in Korea. Think of the photo opportunities!
I'm just very excited to say I'm an International Author now.
In other news, The Guardians of Elijah's Fire is now available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
AMAZON - The Guardians of Elijah's Fire
BARNES & NOBLE - The Guardians of Elijah's Fire
This is the sequel to The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter in case you were wondering and it will be available in bookstores some time in June. I'll keep you posted on release parties and signings and other hoopla as we draw near.
I will also be revealing the cover art soon, so stay tuned!
So, for all you folks out there who want to start reading my books. Get crackin'! Hit your local bookstore up for a copy of one the Hashbrown Winters Adventures or The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter right now!
Don't wait until the Mayan Calendar expires!!!
January 1, 2012
Back from the Dead
I didn't die really, but I suppose in the blogging world, I entered a comatose state. There are reasons for my long absence. One, I was under the gun. I had a deadline and it seriously absorbed all of my time. Secondly, it was the Christmas Holidays and there was... snow and shop...ping (imagine me stammering trying to find good excuses.) Thirdly, I must've bought and received close to twenty new DVDs. Super 8 and Captain America, and HP7, and Cowboys and Aliens, and Jane Eyre. Hold up. Scratch off that last one. Heidi received that one and I did not watch it. I promise.This is my traditional New Years Resolution Post. I have to write them for posterity and so I can remember what I wrote and ultimately neglected to do. But don't forget, I created a new holiday a year or two ago called Resoredo Day. And that allows anyone who made a resolution and immediately tanked on following it, to redo their resolutions guilt free and start afresh. So I'm not worried.
#1 - I need to read 24 books again. I'm seriously slacking on my reading and all writers will tell you, you need to read. It's like research. Or something. 24 books and picture books don't count, unless it's The Invention of Hugo Cabret because that is more than just illustrations.
#2 - I've been losing weight! I'm cold now. All the time. It's because some of my heaviness is gone. Though I hate the fact I need to turn on the heat wherever I go and wear mittens in the restroom, I'm happy to see some thinning in my future. I'm going to try to lose some more weight. How much you ask? Why are you so rude!
#3 - Paint a landscape. I don't know why. I just want to... with some paint.
#4 - Be awesome to people. I think Bill and Ted said it best. I watched a movie recently where this totally amazing fighter had such a calm demeanor about him. He never provoked violence but could handle himself if needed. I want to be like that. So, #4.5 on this list would be to learn how to fight awesomely so that I can have a calm demeanor whenever I'm attacked. Ultimately, people are good and they deserve respect. I'm going to try to give it to them.
#5 - Be happy when people I know are successful, particularly when they receive awesome writing contracts. This is hard for me. I want an awesome contract and when other people earn awesome contracts (notice how I said "earn" because they did indeed earn them) I've always been the kid kicking dirt with my shoe saying things like, "Golly gee I wish that were me."
#6 - Never say Golly gee or kick dirt while rhyming again.
#7 - I want to write 3 novels this year. Count them 1.2.3. I've already started one which is due in May, but I also need to write 2 more. Something new. Something exciting. Something to earn me one of those awesome writing contracts. Golly g... Whoa! Close one.
#8 - This list stinks.
#9 - Use my time wisely. This will be hard. Santa brought me 2 video games for Christmas. One of them is this ridiculous game called Skyrim and I've turned into a total nerd. I won't go into the details of the game, but for those of you who have played this game, you'll understand why I constantly find myself wandering around the neighborhood checking in baskets for potatoes. How am I supposed to write three novels, read 24 books, and paint a blooming landscape if I'm spending all my time hacking dragons? You can't do it.
That's it. I know the list is only 9 items long (well technically 8 if you don't count #8 on the list... but I do), but that's all I got. I intend to revisit this list on January 22nd (Resoredo Day) and perhaps I'll add more to it. For now, Happy New Year to you my friends and may the Sugar Plum fairies forever be kind to your molars. Huh?
Oh, and Jeana, I know you already have all of my books, but you win some more! Thanks for participating!
November 16, 2011
A Score of Announcements!
I selected my favorite comment on the last post and the winner of Elliot and the Goblin Wars is.....
Ruth McNally Barshaw
E-mail me or message me on facebook with your address and I shall send you your prize. This one's a doozy!
That was fun. Now, boy do I have some awesome announcements to share with you.
#1 I've been sitting on this info for a while now. Don't know why I didn't shout it all out to the world, but here's my shout out now. The 2nd Guardians book will be in bookstores in June 2012. I've signed the contract and all is well. Of course, I don't have a title just yet, but for now we'll call it:
The Guardians of the Blue Baboons
Catchy huh? Not really going to be the title and there aren't baboons of any color in the story, but at least that will leave an impression on you.
I'm so excited to continue the story of Amber and Trendon. They're my buddies and this next story will go crazy!
#2 Here's another announcement I've been sitting on. Guess what? I just signed another contract and there will be a 4th Hashbrown Winters tale! I'm so stoked for another wacky Hashbrown adventure. I've thought of a lot of crazy stuff for this one and I'm just gonna turn myself loose. HB4 will hit bookstores in November 2012. Don't have a title for this one either, so we'll tentatively call it:
Hashbrown Winters and the Pasty Pickle Porta-Potty
Oh mother, I do like the sound of that one...
I also heard there could possibly be a boxed set next fall. Oh please, oh please! I love cellophane wrapped items! If you do too and want to see Hashbrown wrapped all warm and snug with all of his adventures cuddling on a shelf with a bow and a blowtorch, then you need to write your congressman and tell them about it. Or better yet, start getting your friends, family, neighbors, classmates, students, enemies, mail persons, heroes, villains, and so forth to buy the other Hashbrown books. I think particularly it would do well for them to buy the last one: Hashbrown Winters and the Phantom of Pordunce, but any of the three would suffice.
#3 - Thanks to your efforts, The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter has been nominated for a Whitney Award and a Cybils Award. You guys make me happy.
#4 - There's another little morsel I want to share, but I can't just yet. Waiting.... always waiting...
To celebrate this tremendously joyous occasion, I'm going to give away a signed copy of The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter and a full signed set of the Hashbrown Winters books. That's a total of 4 books. Can you think of a more perfect Christmas gift?
All you have to do is comment on my blog or any of my facebook pages with your suggested title for my next Hashbrown book. I'm thinking there could be some trans-dimensional travel in this one and some healthy chapters of Whiz. If that makes any sense. Please participate!
Ruth McNally Barshaw
E-mail me or message me on facebook with your address and I shall send you your prize. This one's a doozy!
That was fun. Now, boy do I have some awesome announcements to share with you.
#1 I've been sitting on this info for a while now. Don't know why I didn't shout it all out to the world, but here's my shout out now. The 2nd Guardians book will be in bookstores in June 2012. I've signed the contract and all is well. Of course, I don't have a title just yet, but for now we'll call it:
The Guardians of the Blue Baboons
Catchy huh? Not really going to be the title and there aren't baboons of any color in the story, but at least that will leave an impression on you.
I'm so excited to continue the story of Amber and Trendon. They're my buddies and this next story will go crazy!
#2 Here's another announcement I've been sitting on. Guess what? I just signed another contract and there will be a 4th Hashbrown Winters tale! I'm so stoked for another wacky Hashbrown adventure. I've thought of a lot of crazy stuff for this one and I'm just gonna turn myself loose. HB4 will hit bookstores in November 2012. Don't have a title for this one either, so we'll tentatively call it:
Hashbrown Winters and the Pasty Pickle Porta-Potty
Oh mother, I do like the sound of that one...
I also heard there could possibly be a boxed set next fall. Oh please, oh please! I love cellophane wrapped items! If you do too and want to see Hashbrown wrapped all warm and snug with all of his adventures cuddling on a shelf with a bow and a blowtorch, then you need to write your congressman and tell them about it. Or better yet, start getting your friends, family, neighbors, classmates, students, enemies, mail persons, heroes, villains, and so forth to buy the other Hashbrown books. I think particularly it would do well for them to buy the last one: Hashbrown Winters and the Phantom of Pordunce, but any of the three would suffice.
#3 - Thanks to your efforts, The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter has been nominated for a Whitney Award and a Cybils Award. You guys make me happy.
#4 - There's another little morsel I want to share, but I can't just yet. Waiting.... always waiting...
To celebrate this tremendously joyous occasion, I'm going to give away a signed copy of The Guardians of the Hidden Scepter and a full signed set of the Hashbrown Winters books. That's a total of 4 books. Can you think of a more perfect Christmas gift?
All you have to do is comment on my blog or any of my facebook pages with your suggested title for my next Hashbrown book. I'm thinking there could be some trans-dimensional travel in this one and some healthy chapters of Whiz. If that makes any sense. Please participate!
November 6, 2011
The Colony has Me Spooked
I'm not ready for the apocalypse. Just so you know. I'd like to think I'd survive a while if zombies took over or if I had to live through a nuclear holocaust, but let's face it. I'm a softy. I weep when I drink diet soda. Weep! How am I supposed to drink toilet water? How am I supposed to eat rats?
Okay, an explanation is probably needed. Yesterday evening, Heidi and I were plopped downstairs on the couch flipping through our Netflix options. Have you noticed there aren't a whole lot of options on Streaming? We keep it because my daughter only needs one option: Strawberry Shortcake. And she utilizes that option over and over again. Anyways, I saw they had made the first season of The Colony available to stream. This show chronicles the survival of 10 volunteers with varying skills (marine biology, shop mechanic, computers, kung fu, etc.) placed in a post-apocalyptic environment. I'm not a huge reality fan unless it involves food and an Iron Chef, but I decided to give it try. At 2 a.m. I groaned and decided I'd watch the remaining four episodes the next day. Hooked me from the get-go.
But I learned a valuable lesson from watching over 8 hours of The Colony: I don't have any skills. I really don't and that saddens me. If I were one of the volunteers picked to survive in that setting, what would I contribute? Would I write a fictional middle grade adaptation of our adventures? Provide the evening entertainment with pathetic party tricks? Serve as bait for larger predators? Nothing. I got nothing.
I need some skills. Let's go over the basics of where I'm lacking:
1. Hunting - I've never been. I once cried during a Silver Spoons episode when they shot a deer.
2. Cooking - Will there be Lean Pockets available for consumption? I literally fell in love with my wife because she made me macaroni and cheese after I ruined the first batch. It was out of a box people!!!
3. Security - I'm a squealer. Plus, I couldn't sneak up on an intruder if my life depended on it. A hippo in a room full of bubblewrap uses more stealth.
4. Handyman skills - Just because I can't keep my pants up around my waist doesn't mean I can plumb. But I did once work on a light fixture in my bedroom... while I was asleep.
5. Medical - Does it count if I always mummify patients no matter what the injury is? I don't mind the sight of blood, but if it starts squirting like a laser, I usually employ the "Horse with a Broken Leg" technique.
6. Bartering skills - "Hey, where's all our food supply and where did Frank get that yo-yo?" Need I say more.
As you can see, I'm toast once the big one drops. Oh, I have elaborate plans of what I'd do during a viral event manifesting in my mind all the time. Mostly they involve underground tunnels and a series of loud yet convincing bird calls. Cacoo! Cacoo! Lookuphere! Lookuphere!
I need a buddy system. People that will let me bum off their supplies just long enough until they die and I can take over as the tribal leader. Who's with me?
On another note, I have randomly drawn the prize winner from last week's contest and
Diana
is the luck winner. E-mail me with your address and I will send you your copy of Janitors by Tyler Whitesides.
As I said before, I'm going to keep giving away prizes for awhile, just to keep you reading. Tell your friends, tell the world!!!
Here's the next contest. It's the simplest one yet.
Just make a comment on this blog post that answers this question:
If I was forming a team to survive a Zombie Apocalypse and you were picked to join, what would be your skill?
You can comment as much as you like and I'll pick my favorite to be the winner.
This week I'm giving away a signed copy of Elliot and the Goblin War by my pal, Jennifer Nielsen.
Next week, who knows, maybe I'll give away my own survival kit (a chicken, a juice box, and a yo-yo.)
Stay tuned...
Okay, an explanation is probably needed. Yesterday evening, Heidi and I were plopped downstairs on the couch flipping through our Netflix options. Have you noticed there aren't a whole lot of options on Streaming? We keep it because my daughter only needs one option: Strawberry Shortcake. And she utilizes that option over and over again. Anyways, I saw they had made the first season of The Colony available to stream. This show chronicles the survival of 10 volunteers with varying skills (marine biology, shop mechanic, computers, kung fu, etc.) placed in a post-apocalyptic environment. I'm not a huge reality fan unless it involves food and an Iron Chef, but I decided to give it try. At 2 a.m. I groaned and decided I'd watch the remaining four episodes the next day. Hooked me from the get-go.
But I learned a valuable lesson from watching over 8 hours of The Colony: I don't have any skills. I really don't and that saddens me. If I were one of the volunteers picked to survive in that setting, what would I contribute? Would I write a fictional middle grade adaptation of our adventures? Provide the evening entertainment with pathetic party tricks? Serve as bait for larger predators? Nothing. I got nothing.
I need some skills. Let's go over the basics of where I'm lacking:
1. Hunting - I've never been. I once cried during a Silver Spoons episode when they shot a deer.
2. Cooking - Will there be Lean Pockets available for consumption? I literally fell in love with my wife because she made me macaroni and cheese after I ruined the first batch. It was out of a box people!!!
3. Security - I'm a squealer. Plus, I couldn't sneak up on an intruder if my life depended on it. A hippo in a room full of bubblewrap uses more stealth.
4. Handyman skills - Just because I can't keep my pants up around my waist doesn't mean I can plumb. But I did once work on a light fixture in my bedroom... while I was asleep.
5. Medical - Does it count if I always mummify patients no matter what the injury is? I don't mind the sight of blood, but if it starts squirting like a laser, I usually employ the "Horse with a Broken Leg" technique.
6. Bartering skills - "Hey, where's all our food supply and where did Frank get that yo-yo?" Need I say more.
As you can see, I'm toast once the big one drops. Oh, I have elaborate plans of what I'd do during a viral event manifesting in my mind all the time. Mostly they involve underground tunnels and a series of loud yet convincing bird calls. Cacoo! Cacoo! Lookuphere! Lookuphere!
I need a buddy system. People that will let me bum off their supplies just long enough until they die and I can take over as the tribal leader. Who's with me?
On another note, I have randomly drawn the prize winner from last week's contest and
Diana
is the luck winner. E-mail me with your address and I will send you your copy of Janitors by Tyler Whitesides.
As I said before, I'm going to keep giving away prizes for awhile, just to keep you reading. Tell your friends, tell the world!!!
Here's the next contest. It's the simplest one yet.
Just make a comment on this blog post that answers this question:
If I was forming a team to survive a Zombie Apocalypse and you were picked to join, what would be your skill?
You can comment as much as you like and I'll pick my favorite to be the winner.
This week I'm giving away a signed copy of Elliot and the Goblin War by my pal, Jennifer Nielsen.
Next week, who knows, maybe I'll give away my own survival kit (a chicken, a juice box, and a yo-yo.)
Stay tuned...
