Clancy Nacht's Blog, page 16

Not Your Mom's Trans 101

Reblogged from Tranarchism:

There is a huge problem with the way that people are taught about gender in this society. Children are indoctrinated early to believe that there are two sexes, corresponding with two genders, which are both immutable and non-voluntary and completely beyond our control. This worldview is called the gender binary, and it has no room in it for us.

Trying to teach a new perspective to the victims of this extremely aggressive brainwashing can be daunting.

Read more… 2,248 more words

Internalizing Bisexual Erasure

I know what the B in LGBTQ stands for. We all do, right?

But sometimes it feels like I forget, and maybe it’s because others seem to forget too, because it doesn’t fit into the binary. We are so culturally hard wired for zeros and ones that it’s difficult to remember that not even bodies come in complete binary, let alone hearts, minds, or spirits.

I’ve come out as bisexual before. I don’t talk about it a lot because of the questions. “But you’ve been happily married for 16 years. To a man. Don’t you miss pussy?”

Well, if you put it that way…

Well, no. I mean, I never divided people into their body parts to decide who I was attracted to in the first place. It was always an “all things being equal, this is the person who gets me, and whatever body part is involved is what is involved.” It’s never been in my head like, “Oh, what’s for dinner? Tonight I’d like some pussy. Tomorrow, cock.” That may be how I pick out porno, but it’s never how I’ve approached my love life.

Then there are the doubters. People who are so ingrained with their way of thinking, they can’t get outside themselves to get it. “Oh, you’ve been with a man for sixteen years. So you’re heterosexual and just experimented.”

No. You do not get to decide my orientation. If that belief gets you to sleep at night, fine. But you’re wrong.

Just like the million times I see people saying, “Oh that guy fucked a bunch of guys, so he’s gay.” No. You don’t get to decide that. There’s a difference between orientation and sex. A confusing one sometimes, but that’s intensely personal.

All you need to remember is that it’s not up to you. I admit, I’ve done the same thing. A lot. It’s pretty hard to resist that cultural tidal wave. It doesn’t make you the worst person ever; just check it when you catch yourself doing it. Or if someone points it out, stop.

So this brings me back to internalization and my personal struggle. This isn’t a rant directed at other people so much as directed at myself and my own thoughts about who and what I am. As a matter of practicality, I’ve assumed a male gender at various times on the internet. On Facebook, it was because of the sexist ads. Early on in my life, on IRC I posed male because anyone with a feminine name or bearing was mercilessly bombarded with unwanted sexual attention, which I do not deal with well at all. Someday I’ll feel brave enough to post why, but right now that’s just too much.

To me, the lines of the masculine and feminine feel more like a role, like a trend. I gravitate to people who have genuine aspects of both. My husband can be feminine, and that’s what I love about him. I get very exasperated and defensive toward people who criticise feminine men because that’s really no better than judging a woman. And I get angry when so-called feminine traits are called weak in men, like crying, because I don’t think females are weak. Crying is something both sexes have evolved to do, physically in equal measure, so restraining it is unnatural and ridiculous.

Okay, that’s not us. We’re not blond.

These thoughts come naturally to me. I did not spend time studying or contemplating my views. I had to learn how I was meant to behave as a cis female. I have to work to understand conversations about the joys of motherhood and dishwasher soap. Neither of those things are bad. My lack of interest in them isn’t more or less evolved than anyone else’s; it’s just natural to me.

But I will say that at times I think there is a special place in hell for people whose constant privilege in this regard makes them super-comfortable saying that my discomfort with their culturally supported inclinations is somehow a slight on them. So not only do I get to pretty much explain and defend myself to the world, I have to comfort you because you feel bad that I need a safe space to vent? Anyway.

Actually, if you’re offended by that, it’s probably directed at you. And you should ponder it when speaking to anyone who is culturally oppressed in some way. You’re not actually a bad person, but always check your privilege. I do it, and I’m going to get into that in a moment. But I do not forget for a moment that outside my own blog and my author space, I definitely reap the rewards of at least appearing cis-het, WASP, and affluent. Whatever is in my heart is carefully concealed by my choice, and I know just how fucking lucky I am to be able to make that choice.

And this is where we get to my own internalized erasure.

I write m/m, and I will tell you every time I explain why that the reason changes, and it changes daily. Or mutates. Or expands.

Mostly, I don’t feel like rationalizing it because fuck you for questioning what I write. Who the fuck are you to question me?

And yet, I want to know myself and to make sure that I am right in my own heart and mind, so I do ponder it. The most apt label I have encountered is “gender fluid”. I do not feel the need to ask people to address me by specific pronouns, though some people do. I had toyed with gender queer but that seemed… rigid. Fluid is how I perceive myself in nearly all aspects. I have some moorings; there are many things that do not change, but perhaps it is that fluidity that makes me bisexual. And perhaps it is that unattainable part for me physically, the reality that I cannot simply switch to being male-bodied when it suits me, that leads me to a rich fantasy life where I can be.

I do not always dream as a woman. Sometimes I am a man. Sometimes I dream that I am both. This is how it has always been. I did not know it was different for others.

That’s where I am. That is how I feel in my heart. But I understand that what I write is mostly read by women and for various reasons.

As a writer, all I really want to do is to tell a good story. As a person, I hope that some nugget of truth, whatever idea I am cogitating, gets through. For example, while Black Gold was a hot, hot story with rockers, it was a bigger meditation for me on media and fame on personal lives written after I’d read about Matt Bomer. Black Gold 2 was about duality, living two lives and trying to merge them–something I’m obviously still struggling with.

These are not exclusively m/m issues or ideas, but that’s what I write, and I am the B in LGBTQ. So what prompted all this thinking was that yesterday I saw a call for queer writers for a magazine. And I passed it on to my BFF and writing partner Thursday Euclid and gave little thought to contributing myself.

Now, intellectually, as someone who passes for cis-het, there’s part of me that feels like I’d be intruding on that space because I do experience privilege. But that wasn’t entirely why I passed. A big part of it was imagining myself being cornered and having to recount my sexual history–to defend my bisexuality to strangers. I hardly seem able to defend it to my own friends. And that hurts. It hurts more than I feel like I can bear at this time.

Even in my protective bubble of privilege, I am hurt, and all I can think about are my sisters and brothers with nothing to retreat to. How their tender skin is always exposed to the elements. I’m not arrogant enough to think that there’s anything I can personally do, but I wish I could. The best I’ve ever figured out to do is to sit, to listen, to agree things are fucked up. And to speak out when I can.

Right now, my writing is where I feel I can speak.

As for speaking out, well, I’ve recognized my own erasure. I’m not sure I’m ready to shout it outside of my own space, and I still feel inappropriate. I’m not sure how to shake my internalized erasure. I still feel like I’m opening myself up for criticism, which is really why anyone posts on the internet, right? Not to vent or chat, but to hear your shitty opinion.

But, I’m putting it here and comments are open. Just remember that my nickname at work is Snarknado.

“But if you’re with a man, why can’t you just be het so I can be comfortable?”

Filed under: about clancy, blog Tagged: gender feels, glbt, personal, rant

If you’re ready come and get it: You’re Welcome. Love, Your Cat

Mechanics and kitties and professors… oh my!

Since vowing celibacy over a decade ago, history professor and classic car aficionado Edwin Blais’s only comfort has been his dead partner’s cat, Francesca. When she gets lost, Edwin’s beside himself…until he meets the man who found her.

Cat-lover and mechanic Forrest James is a Roman sculpture brought to life, old enough to run a successful garage but not old enough to forget the secrets of a painful childhood.

Edwin’s lonely, and a straight man poses no threat to his vow. Soon he’s going to the garage every night after class. Forrest’s quiet friendship is healing Edwin’s broken heart until a night of mind-blowing sex changes everything. Edwin can’t deny his growing feelings, but a relationship between them seems impossible.

After Edwin uncovers the mysteries behind Forrest’s tough exterior, he’s forced to choose between a lost love and an unexpectedly tender new love who needs Edwin more than he ever could have guessed. Only by dealing with their tragic pasts can either forge a future. Will they find a way to do together what neither could do alone? Read an excerpt

Available now at Loose Id (Other fine retailers to follow)

Filed under: books, Loose Id, promo Tagged: loose id, m/m, promo, release, thursday euclid, writing, you're welcome love your cat

You’re Welcome. Love, Your Cat — Out 8/6/2013

Art by P.L. Nunn

 

After an accident takes his lover, Dr. Edwin Blais—a University of Texas history professor—vows celibacy. With only his dead lover’s cat for company, he spends the next eleven years alone before the Maine Coon, Francesca, escapes from her cat sitter while Edwin is at work. The loss shatters Edwin. Desperate, he plasters the neighborhood with Lost Cat signs offering five thousand dollars for her return.

A few blocks away at a body shop, Nasty, an old black Tom cat, adopts Francesca. Forrest James, owner of the shop and Nasty, refuses the reward and strikes up a friendship with Edwin. While Forrest seems like a safe crush for a celibate man because he certainly appears straight, after a couple of drinks he gets a little handsy. After Edwin meets Forrest’s ex-boyfriend, he realizes that his crush may be a relationship and he’s not sure he’s ready for it. Will Edwin get over himself and his lost love before the dreamboat mechanic moves on?

Add to Goodreads

At Loose Id

Filed under: books, Loose Id, promo Tagged: book, cute boys, m/m, promo, thursday euclid, writing, you're welcome love your cat

I think those azaleas are putting on airs

So my mom, she calls, she says, “My cleaning lady says that my azalea bush is Alexander the Great.”

“Sounds legit.” I pause, because it’s not really where I thought this conversation was going to go. But to know my mother is to know that she believes this, as does the cleaning lady whose name is Gretchen. “Why is he occupying azaleas?”

“He’s here to protect me and everything’s going to be fine.”

I’m not a historian, so I don’t know a lot about Alexander the Great. But I’m pretty sure what I do remember didn’t have much to do with putting down roots. “Are you sure he wasn’t that invasive bamboo or mint in the back yard? An invasive species of plant sounds more like something a conqueror would go for.” I leave out that it’s hard to imagine Alexander the Great in a Houston suburb. Flowering.

“He says he wants a crown.”

Well, that settles it.

Also, I have two new books coming out from Loose Id. Tentatively, You’re Welcome. Love, Your Cat, written with Thursday Euclid will be out August 6, 2013. It has references to Alexander the Great, but no azaleas.

Tentatively, No Tea, No Shade should be out September 24, 2013. Also no azaleas but no Alexander the Great references either. I try to make up for the lack with drag queens.

ETA: I feel like I should clarify, re: Gretchen the cleaning lady, that my mom would refer to Gretchen as her friend. Whom she pays. To clean her house. Who doesn’t come over at any other time than those in which she is paid to clean the house. My mom and I share a difference in how we categorize that relationship. Blame it on the unreliable narrator if you had any other impression than that Gretchen was a friend. Who is paid. To clean the house.

 

Filed under: about clancy, books, promo Tagged: drag queens, loose id, mom, silly, thursday euclid, update

Of Course Perry's Got a Dog in this Fight

Reblogged from nonsequiteuse:

I am not the first person to call attention to this, but I consider myself to be fairly up on the situation around abortion access in Texas, and I didn't know this. I share it with you in case you, like me, hadn't connected this particular dot.

Unless pragmatic alien pod people take over the Republican delegation in Austin, we're going to get some dreadful new restrictions that severely limit access to abortion in Texas.

Read more… 361 more words

Milla P. Jones, of course, is Gov. Perry's sister. Always with the money with this guy.

Rainbow Award

So I do have the little image on the side of my site, but this weekend I received a certificate! This is an award voted on by a jury and I was so thrilled that this book in particular had done so well. It’s basically a rom-com and plays by those over-the-top personality rules that lead to outrageous situations and hijinks, which didn’t always, uh, play to expectations, I guess.

But at its core it was about two people who had an attraction but had to work through their own personal crap to get the relationship to work. It’s fun, it’s sexy, but we tried hard to make the characters grow and understand themselves better together than when they were apart. I felt like this award validated that at least for some, we succeeded.

Cover art by P.L. Nunn

Filed under: award, books, Loose Id, writing Tagged: le jazz hot, loose id, m/m, novel, omg i won i won, rainbow awards

Hannibal Feels: Savoureux

OMGWTF WHAT ABOUT SECOND OPINIONS ON BRAIN SCANS, FBI? and I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON WITH THOSE LURES, HANNIBAL DOESN’T JUST MESS WITH LURES FOR THE LOLZ. and also I NEED AN ADULT!

@BryanFuller is going to have to write a note for why I can't go to work tomorrow. —
Clancy Nacht (@clancynacht) June 21, 2013

I didn’t receive a note, so here I am, at work, full of feels and no shock blanket. Just a slightly extended lunch that no one will notice because today, of all days, is bring your kid to work day (and apparently asking them to borrow their parents car to pick up your lunch is frowned upon when they’re not old enough to drive. why, in my day we stole cars uphill in the snow both ways!)

We all kinda knew it was coming down to this. Will Graham was never going to be the puppy toy that Hannibal was hoping for. Not that he’s given up on this idea, necessarily. I mean, he says he’s going to quit it and Bedelia says he’d better quit it, but you can tell he still wants to tap that. It is the ultimate cat and mouse game and much more intriguing than ambushing people to eat them (though that’s fun, too.)

Here’s how it went down, more or less.

Will Graham has a dream of hunting. He’s chasing his stag, but then it’s a Wendigo and it is wounded. He wakes up in a sweat, hands and feet dirty and apparently whatever party he was having was so good, there’s a spare ear in the sink. So natch, he calls Hannibal, who does an award-winning imitation of shock and disgust. “An ear, you say? And you don’t remember where you left your Abigail? This isn’t good, Will. Not good at all.”

They arrest Will in front of his Winston, who looks very disappointed.

Barkity Help Will Graham!

Will knows-doesn’t-know that he didn’t kill Abigail, but the evidence is pretty irrefutable. Even Beverly Katz is like, “Cannot unsee what I’m getting out of your nails, guy.” But not even Bev can un-prove what Will doesn’t remember and he’s so wrapped around the axel, he’s thinking maybe it could’ve happened.

Jack breaks down how it could’ve happened to Alana including defensive wounds and she says what I was thinking. “Shut up!” They fight over who saw Will breaking first and Jack’s ultimate defense is, “He was saving lives!” Which yeah and… well… yeah. She points out that Will’s dementia is a symptom and Jack says, “Well he had a brain scan.” SECOND OPINION, K? “Maybe Will did what Garret Jacob Hobbs couldn’t…”

After Alana has her breakdown, she goes to talk to Will. She obviously feels a lot for him in general but where I decided she was the best was when she said she would take care of his dogs. That is love, people, ‘cause that’s a lot of dogs.

Then she starts trying to diagnose him and asks him to draw a clock. This plot point becomes both the source of hope and ultimately, is twisted into a potential condemnation. Because, guess what? Hannibal’s been playing the long game on this and he has a nice forged clock to show Alana so he can say, “What? He seemed delusional but his clock was totally normal.” Note I said clock because in fanfiction, everyone would be looking at his cock and… yeah going to have to write that now. Anyway.

Hannibal sheds real live tears and there isn’t much doubt that they’re real, just what they’re for are different than one might expect. He isn’t exactly a psychopath, so he mourns Abigail’s loss. I truly believe he does. And maybe on some level he does blame Will for having to kill her, but he says he hasn’t given up on Will. And I don’t think he has. Just, you know, he’s not done breaking him yet. Because I truly think that what Hannibal wants is a companion, one who likes him and understands him and Will is very stubbornly not becoming the serial killer that Hannibal wants him to be.

The one he set him up to be. So, I knew there was something going on with those fishing lures. Now we know what it is. Hannibal was weaving in “trophies” from those extra bonus murders he did to help Will understand some of the killers he was tracking. Now, probably in Hannibal’s mind, those are Will’s kills because they are outside of Hannibal’s usual practice and were kinda gifts. You know, like when your cat brings you a dead mouse? But fortunately for me, my cats aren’t playing a long game to break me (I don’t think….)

Jack confronts Will with his fishing lures…and the fact that there were remains of people Will knows damn well he didn’t kill. “I wasn’t sick when Cassie Boyle was murdered…” While Jack doesn’t find this a compelling argument, it wakes Will up to the fact that the whole thing is a set up.

Now to some, that may seem like Hannibal’s mistake. Will seems to think it was Hannibal pushing too far. But the end game for Hannibal wasn’t simply to make Will believe he’s crazy. That’s fun for a while, sure, but making someone feel crazy versus breaking them entirely so you can remake them how you like…that would just be laying the foundation. I’m so excited that this seems to be where this show is going. It’s what I was hoping to see.

Jack arrests Will and sends him packing in an ambulance. Will knows from Gideon how to escape from that, and he does. Alana, Jack, and Hannibal meet and they compare clocks. In one, Alana guesses that Will may have autoimmune encephalitis, which garners her a sour look from Hannibal. She’s smart. That could be a threat to his plans.

Then Jack questions the jump Will made in the Hobbs case, hypothesizes that Will was the one who called Hobbs to warn him and asks if Will could’ve faked his hard clock for Alana. Okay that was forced. Whatever.

Will shows up in Hannibal’s library. There’s a scene that was cut where apparently Will visited Alana (and his dogs) and I think that’s what they’re referring to in saying that he’s frightened Alana but maybe the implication is meant to be that Will was chillin’ up there through the meeting and then day turned to night before Hannibal said anything to Will hiding up there.

Pretty much Will’s figured out he’s not the killer. Hannibal makes a dutiful attempt to remind Will that he’s kinda crazy and should doubt his own mind, but I think if Will had been that easy to manipulate, Hannibal would’ve been disappointed. They talk through the murders and Hannibal gives Will what his possible motives would’ve been and Will plays along, but he’s not convinced. He wants to go to Minnesota, because if he did this thing, he figures it should be pretty easy to channel himself. If nothing else, one last roadtrip with his BFF should be good, right? Right? Oh right.

There was no watch on Hannibal which seems pretty sloppy of the FBI who clearly knew that Will was on the loose. I mean, really? So anyway, they figure out pretty quick that Hannibal is missing and Jack apparently hightails it to Abigail’s house in Minnesota.

Which is exactly where Will and Hannibal are. Will is stepping through the memories. Abigail straight up said, “You be the man on the phone” to Hannibal right in front of Will and finally Will gets it. I bet he’s just kicking himself!

So we find out that Abigail wound up with her throat cut after all, but her body is still missing.** Hannibal gamely tries to make Will feel like maybe he was possessed by Hobbs after all, but you get the feeling he’s going through the motions. “If you followed the urges you kept down for so long, cultivated them as the inspirations as they are, you would’ve become someone other than you are.” That was as much accusation as advice. If only he’d complied!

Will realizes, though, that he’s not sure he knows who Hannibal is, which causes a little bit of a smile, because now Will has leveled up in the game. Will isn’t just broken and easily manipulated. He’s puzzled it out. Hannibal knows it’s pretty unlikely that Will would just out and out shoot him dead. Even if Jack hadn’t shown up, Hannibal isn’t presenting a clear and present danger and that would be straight up, stone cold murderating. But we’ll never know if he would’ve really pulled the trigger. He was pretty pissed.

Without Jack’s presence, the best that Will could’ve hoped for was that Hannibal might confess to someone. The proof against Will is too airtight and everyone thinks/knows he’s fucking batshitloco that dead!Hannibal and some theories wouldn’t have helped his case anyway. Jack showing up didn’t really save Hannibal. If it saved anyone, it would be Will. Because really, if Hannibal had grown bored with the game or worried in the least that it was going to turn on him, he could’ve just flat out killed Will and that would’ve been the end of the story for him.

But for Jack, this is just more proof of Will being crazy because the scales are still on his eyes. Jack shoots Will in the arm and he winds up against the kitchen counters in the position that Hobbs died in. “See? See?” and Will does see. Hannibal is his Wendigo.

So Will is in the hospital in an induced coma and is being treated finally for his encephalitis. Hannibal and Jack discuss the various ways they feel they’ve failed Will but ultimately Hannibal says neither of them are to blame and while Jack doesn’t outwardly appear to buy it, you know he will because he always goes with the opinion that best suits him.

Bedelia and Hannibal enjoy some veal. (**oh so that’s where the body went. not a pig, but honor every part, right?) He watches her carefully to see that she eats the veal and she apparently refuses invitations to his table. Hmm…. She tells him to quit it with Will. Just stop it already. This isn’t a good game for you. Your patterns of violent patients going more violent is showing. Good advice. And…so she kinda knows he set her up? She seems to also get that he likes playing with people, she probably even realizes he’s playing her, but how much does she really know? Perhaps a question we’ll get an answer to next season.

Then the final scene. Down to the music a reenactment of the movie Hannibal only it’s Will in the cell. From my understanding, Fuller has planned this storyline out to 7 seasons to complete with 4 being Red Dragon. So there are two season between then and I wonder if next season will be Will in the place of Hannibal consulting on crimes from behind bars a la “Red Dragon” and “Silence of the Lambs.” All the while trying to gather evidence to free himself and catch Hannibal.

So, round one definitely goes to Hannibal. Will has leveled up to a new challenge and Hannibal has to both dodge Will but also maybe try to continue playing this game–to break him down so that he can rebuild him as he wants him. If he can.

EPISODE 1 OF #HANNIBAL SEASON 2 IS TITLED "KAISEKI"—
Bryan Fuller (@BryanFuller) June 21, 2013

Filed under: hannibal, recaps Tagged: hannibal, hannibal feels, hannibal recap

Hannibal Feels: Releves Recap

Hannibal is just plain on a roll. What’s funny to me is that it’s all the same guy doing all of this killing but because it’s not in the tidy packet of three, they can’t really attribute it to the Ripper. I imagine this happens a lot because people love to group things and when you think outside of the box, it’s very confusing. I wonder sometimes how many female serial killers who just don’t do patterns are running amok because everyone’s looking at white dudes waiting for them to explode.

So, sayonara Georgia Lass Madchen. Buh bye Abigail Hobbs. Hello Will-Orange-Isn’t-Your-Color Graham.

Georgia and Will have a nice hyperbolic hyperbaric chamber-side conversation about how they’ll never figure out what’s wrong with Will because he’s mentally ill and there’s no real good fix for that. She reveals that she’s dreamed that it was Will who killed Dr. Sutcliffe but she couldn’t see his face. It makes sense since usually people get MRIs in nice suits covered in plastic. But hey, she was mostly dead for years and had face blindness. But did she have couture blindness?

Yum?

Hannibal brings Will silkie chicken in a broth, which Will translates to “chicken soup” which is, more or less, what it is. If you check out that article, not that Janice Poon uses cut up tampons for steam. In the food. God, there’s no good way to put that but it’s an interesting tidbit.

Over breakfast soup, Hannibal finds out that Will has been chatting with Georgia, which isn’t really good for him. It probably seems like Hannibal is tying up loose ends quickly, but at any moment Will might get his empathy rays and working and he’d be in trouble. Hannibal’s playing the long game in some ways. In others, he’s really just exercising his curiosity.

Next scene, Georgia wakes up in her hyperbolic hyperbaric chamber after a door slams. Viola! A comb for her lovely hair. She doesn’t question why there’s a plastic comb or much of anything, just starts brushing. Later we find that her “grounding bracelet” which is important for not having flammable static flying around in pure oxygen, must’ve been removed, because brush, brush, brush and bam, sparks! And Georgia’s roasted.

Mystery comb. What could possibly go wrong?

I guess since she was a suspect the FBI is there investigating. Jack thinks it must’ve been suicide but Will doesn’t believe she was suicidal. But, her bracelet was off and who just throws a comb in a hyperbolic hyperbaric chamber? But then, what do they think, she went down to the gift shop and got it herself? This is where it’s not going to look good for Will.

Freddie Lounds is awesomely insinuating herself and her writings into the book she’s writing for Abigail by using her headlines for the chapter titles. Freddie is also sussing out that Abigail probably killed deranged brother dude Nick Boyle because she’s way too defensive about it. Abigail still believes Nick Boyle killed her friend Marissa so aside from self-defense, she’s feeling pretty good about killing Nick, a fact she shares later with Will.

For purposes of Abigail, Freddie is ready to pin Nick Boyle’s death on Will (‘cause why not?) and Jack for pinning Marissa’s murder on Boyle. Abigail, bless her heart, seems upset to have killed an innocent man.

Will dreams of zombie!Georgia who gets impaled by the direStag and goes up in flames. In his mind, this connects her death to the copycat. See? See? He goes to tell Jack this who threatens him with a thermometer. Sounds like it could get kinky.

Instead of sticking a thermometer in him, they go to #teamScience and find the comb. Sutcliffe is still in the morgue drawers looking good but earlier, Georgia looked well healed up. I’m not sure how long it takes to heal in an oxygenated environment. Am I losing time now? Will is bent on proving Sutcliffe was a copycat which may wind up blowing up in his face. Blowing up. Face. Gosh, that’s such insensitive phrasing.

So, Will logics out that Nick Boyle couldn’t possible be the copycat who killed Marissa because the person who killed her obvs killed Dr. Sutcliffe and then Georgia, which is true but anyone just watching Will sweating and going crazy, Jack has to ask, “Is it because of the fever?”

Jack chats with Hannibal and gets the very real and true sense that Hannibal is holding out on him. He doesn’t know what yet but his hunch seems to be he’s helping out Will so he goes to talk to Hannibal’s psychiatrist. So he goes to visit Gillian Anderson who seems quite able to play poker with Hannibal but goes all :O when Jack asks about Hannibal’s relationship to Will.

Wine makes me sleepy… and kind of a crap liar.

She’s also kind of a bad liar about the patient who attacked her. Somehow the attacker “swallowed his tongue.” The attacker? Referred by Hannibal. So no wonder he feels responsible. Puts a spin on his seeing her. Is it for his benefit or so he can evaluate her? Or both? He doesn’t seem like a man who believes in just one motivation. In spite of herself, she says exactly what Hannibal would want her to say. She lets Hannibal know that Jack was sniffing around her and that she said nothing. So no Gillian stew. Yet. Though she does suggest Hannibal stop his Will-pirament, but she does so as a colleague, so maybe that makes her look less appetizing.

Jack returns to #teamScience and they play Jeopardy where Jack poses Will’s theory as a question. #teamScience seems less impressed by Will’s logical hypotheses (‘cause theories are supported by evidence!) and spend time mocking. Jack asks, “Where is Beverly?” Where is she, indeed? Court. I miss her. Jack gets serious about investigating Garret Jacob Hobbs which, they haven’t looked at where all he’s been and when until now? I mean, I get he’s dead and all, but there wasn’t like…anyone making sure he was the dude what done it? “Oh, Will killerated him so I’m sure he’s the right guy. We don’t need to look into where this Hobbs dude was too much.”

Will and Abigail have a chat. She gets Will to really admit that he felt powerful when he killed. Wouldn’t Hannibal just die to have heard that? She kind of slips about helping her dad as the lure. Will hears it, but doesn’t really want to. He decides he needs her to go to Minnesota with him to catch the copycat because, uh, I don’t know. He knows she knows more than she is saying but I guess his empathy-dar isn’t that focused in his fever brain.

So, hospital technology didn’t find the brain-swelling cause, I guess, but he’s less brain-swelly. Maybe better meds than the aspirin? He feels clearer and he’s definitely less sweaty, which isn’t good for Hannibal because Will is definitely mongoosing that snake. Er. So to speak. Will realizes that the copycat must be someone close to the investigations. Hannibal points out that Will is close to those investigations (and is also crazy…and has killed…totem of your own, buddy!) which is a great dodge and also plants the seeds so that Will may even doubt his own mind again.

Yeah, probably time to shut it down, Hannibal.

#teamScience.returns with the fact that Hobbs bought two tickets for train trips where he killed girls. So like, Jack confronted Abigail with a dead body but didn’t think to see if her dad was making killerating trips for two? No wonder #teamScience is always so caustic. Of course, they now seem to think that Abigail is the copycat so I guess they need Will after all.

Jack goes to pick up Abigail but finds that Will has checked her out of the crazy library. Furious, Jack goes to Hannibal to ask what’s going on between Will and Abigail. Yay for Hannibal because he can now introduce Will having a disassociated personality state. “Thanks for letting me know, Hannibal!” Not that it’s professional for Hannibal to say any of that and Jack doesn’t question why protective Hannibal is suddenly forthcoming, but he just figured out tracing train ticket technology, so there you go. Hannibal plays back recordings that sound very incriminating for Will. It doesn’t take much for Jack to move from Abigail to Will as copycat.

Hannibal implies that Will feels possessed by Hobbs. And now he has his daughter. Who Hobbs intended to kill. Hannibal sadface…until Jack leaves. Done and done.

You led girls to their deaths? I could just kill you! Poor choice of words?

Will takes Abigail back to the cabin where he finally manages to intuit that she was the lure for her dad. She accuses him of murdering her friend, points out that he knew about everything that happened with the copycat. The stress is too much for him and he loses time only to find himself on the plane and back in Virginia. Oh Will.

Abigail ditches will and remains in Minnesota where she makes the next logical step and goes “home.” Hannibal is waiting for her in the kitchen where he father died. There she finally asks Hannibal why he called her dad that morning before Hobbs tried to murder her.

To warn him about Will.

Why?

I was curious what would happen.

And there you have it. Hannibal has said as much. Lives are just light and air and you can toy with them as you like. They are like songs and this one is over.

Abigail seems to understand he is dangerous, but doesn’t seem to understand that she is in danger until he apologizes. Not that she really has much left now that her lies have been uncovered. We don’t see it, but she’s already proven unpredictable. What’s a dapper serial killer to do?

Next week, season finale.

Filed under: hannibal, recaps Tagged: hannibal, hannibal feels, hannibal recap

Gender Feels: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar you must deep throat

On my Twitter, I saw someone retweet this:

If You Wish To Be A Writer, Have Sex With Someone Who Works In Publishing onion.com/11g2pnk via @TheOnion—
Ellis Carrington (@MMbyEllis) June 13, 2013

Being a writer, I had to go look so that I could see how I’d been doing it all wrong according to Joyce Carol Oates. But, of course, it’s The Onion. It’s the comedies, not an advice column.

But as I was reading, I started to have the sads because just the other night I read a post from a comic book writer lady who had been accused of that very thing to have her awesome career. People actually believe it.

The brilliance of making a joke of it is, of course, anyone with any sense laughs. Because Joyce Carole Oates is a very talented writer and obviously you’d have to sleep with a lot of readers too to get so famous. She’s very prolific with the writing, so I doubt she’d have the time.

Plus, she’s never so much as flirted with me. So it’s not happening.

Anyway. That’s for me. One of the people on the inside, hip to that sarcasm. But it’s sad-making because people really believe that. Usually bitter people who aren’t very good writers. But those usually count as people, too.

It’s sad being someone with lady parts who works as hard as others do only to have her accomplishments undermined by such shitty speculation, but even I find myself engaged in it. That gives me the sads, too.

Anyway. Good parody. It got me thinking. Mostly about how being a lady isn’t worth the cost, but also about my perceptions of things.

Filed under: about clancy, blog, political, writing Tagged: gender feels, what it's like to be a girl, writing